


In the Space Between Stars

by lavenderhues



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fancy Gala, Fix-It of Sorts, Force Bond (Star Wars), I'm dramatic, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Pretty Dresses, Slow Burn, and a lot of talking, but also fighting, there's a spy! oh no
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:26:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 183,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27143110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavenderhues/pseuds/lavenderhues
Summary: A year after Crait, Rey is settled and training with the Resistance. She's able to keep Kylo Ren out of her head. That is, until, a training accident makes her defenses fall, and she is forced to be close to the mind of Kylo Ren yet again. There's spies, espionage, and of course, some drama involving fancy dresses and dancing. Let's face it, I have no idea where this is going (and neither do you).
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 315
Kudos: 486





	1. Barriers

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first time ever posting a fic on here. I've been a huge Star Wars fan ever since I was little and thought it might be fun to create some of my own drama within the universe. I've got complicated feelings on TLJ (lots of love, a little bit of hate for treatments of some of my favs) but I do think it leaves us at a really interesting point that TROS does not resolve. Trust me, this will not be a cinematic level rewriting of the movie, it's just for fun. Anyways, let me know how you feel! Thanks :)

We all make choices. 

Rey knows this. For a long time, Rey’s choices seemed like they were leading to nothing. Every day she’d rise on Jakku and chose to survive. And what came of it? Nothing, it felt like. She was just  _ surviving  _ and  _ waiting.  _ Was that avoiding choice? Or maybe it was just making the wrong ones. There was a time when she thought going back to Jakku was the best thing she could do. Han, Finn, and Chewie had looked at her like she was crazy. 

But Rey had felt this _tug_ pulling her back to that planet. Almost like she had unfinished business to settle there. Even now, she feels unsettled in her choices. Yes, coming to the Resistance has given her a life greater than she ever imagined for herself. She certainly doesn’t regret coming here. But underneath her skin, Rey’s senses are tilted just a bit off balance. She wants to feel right, like the choices she made are leading her to some sort of clarity. 

It’s hard to know what the right choice is. Sometimes, we chose wrong.

“So you’ll come?” 

Rey looks up from her plate to see Finn staring expectantly at her. Right, he was asking her something. And she was listening—kind of, hypothetically she was listening. Okay, maybe she’d been in her own head a bit. Truth is, she’s been having trouble with all the talking on base. Spending so much time alone on Jakku means Rey feels most comfortable in her own head. It’s the place she knows best. Finn, at least, had other Troopers to talk to before coming here. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be alone, not in the same way she does. 

“Of course.” Finn purses his lips, as if he knows she wasn’t totally listening. “Good, great. I’ll come by your room after breakfast tomorrow, then. And we can get going.”

Just then Rose appears, sliding her tray to sit down next to Rey. “Get going where?”

“A possible old hideout from the days of the Empire,” Finn says. “Poe and I flew over it last week, I wanted to check it out and everyone knows we’re dying for supplies, so it could help. And you know, Rey’s great at finding artifacts with her Force magic or whatever, so she’s coming along.”

Rey laughs. “That’s not force magic! Finding parts was my livelihood. Of course I’m good at getting things from old ships and stuff”

Rose perks up at the mention of ships. “Can I come? I’d love to see if there’s any old tech that could be repurposed.”

Finn nods. “Clear it with the General, but I don’t see why not.” 

“Poe is gonna be  _ pissed  _ he missed this,” Rose laughs. “Being Leia’s number one confidant means you never get to do any fun stuff.”

Rey agrees. She doesn’t see much of Poe, but that can mostly be attributed to her own weird schedule. The Resistance needs their Jedi for big battles and such, but nobody ever quite figured out what that Jedi would do on a day to day basis. Luckily, Rey feels like she’s made a pretty good spot for herself. Every morning she meditates and trains just to keep herself ready in case something happens. What she’s waiting for is still unclear. Is the First Order going to storm the base and Rey will lead the charge? It’s not like she’s got a high rank. She’s a sort of half Resistance member, treading on the edge of being fully indoctrinated but not quite. Rey’s not quite sure why she hasn’t just fully asked to be a total Resistance and not just a helpful guest Jedi, but for some reason she’s been putting it off. Either way, she works outside of Jedi training to earn her place. Each morning after being Jedi Rey, she becomes Mechanic Rey by helping with any sort of fixing that she can do on ships or droids or anything else with wires and metal that has broken.  _ This  _ is why she doesn’t run into contact with Poe, a Resistance hotshot if there ever was one, often. Hotshots don’t spend their time tweaking wires. 

Without all of the Jedi stuff, Rey could probably be a mechanic. A pilot too, maybe, if she really wanted to. But a year after Crait the Resistance isn’t needing pilots. They need people to fix old things and make them work again. So much was lost, they need to rebuild before they can attack. 

Rey watches with warmth in her heart as her two friends take playful jabs at Poe’s position. She’d only known Rose a year, and Finn not much longer than that, but they already felt like two of the most important people in her life. 

Rose is incredibly bright, the sort of person who doesn’t see problems as issues but more as puzzles to solve. She might not see it, but Rey can tell that Leia absolutely adores her. 

And Finn… Finn is  _ good _ . He is everything to her that she ever imagined a person could be. He might’ve lied to Rey about being Resistance at first, but now there is nobody that embodies the Resistance more than him. Finn is a visionary. He’s on the cusp of changing the tide. Rey can feel this. 

Rey marvels at her two magnificent friends for a moment more before excusing herself. If she’s going to be gone from base, she needs to get as much sleep as she can tonight. 

\---

She’s up before the sun the next morning, grabbing her staff and getting ready for the day. Rey meditates in her room. The space is small, just a bunk and a bit of floorspace next to the Fresher. She didn’t want her own room, considering she really wasn’t any important rank within the Resistance, but Leia had insisted. 

And secretly Rey was grateful for this. Being alone all her life had made her used to what it felt like to crawl into bed and not hear other people snoring two feet away. She wasn’t ready to give that up quite yet. 

After meditating, Rey heads out into the base, which is a maze of hallways that she feels dizzy trying to navigate all of the time. Her brain is heavy inside her head, as it is always operating at a certain level to keep  _ someone  _ out. 

Even just thinking about it makes her stomach twist. Kylo Ren hadn’t appeared to her since that day on Crait, but Rey isn’t foolish enough to think the bond could be gone forever. She had tried her best to break it, but their last contact as she boarded the Falcon told her two things: one, Snoke had lied. The bond exists outside of him, or it would have died with him. Two, some things cannot be broken, no matter how hard one tries. 

She can feel the presence of Kylo Ren living at a far away and cloudy distance. Between them is the obsidian wall Rey has built around her mind that keeps him  _ out.  _ Who knows what he would try to take from her if he appeared again. 

Rey chooses to try and train with the old training droids this morning. She’s been tinkering with time in the mornings, hoping to bring their old processing up to date enough to provide a real fight. Of course, nothing would ever compare to what it felt like to really battle Kylo Ren. 

She dreams of it sometimes, regretfully. They’re always at odds, never together like that day in the throne room.  _ That  _ had been something else entirely. Not a battle, not a fight. They had done…  _ something  _ together that she couldn’t describe. It was more than fighting.

There are three droids, and Rey is a bit worried about the programming of the third. She ought to have Rose take a look at it before she starts, but there’s no way the girl is awake before they’re leaving. Rose sleeps like a rock.

Rey shrugs. The droid is probably fine, she’s worrying too much. Besides, the practice room floor is covered in mats. She won’t get injured. 

Rey turns the droids on and turns to a fighting stance with her staff. Immediately she’s caught up in the rush of the fight, spinning and kicking and defending just like she learned to do on Jakku.  _ It’s like nothing changed,  _ she thinks. Rey is a survivor. She can defend herself against three droids. But at the same time, something has. These are machines, not sentient beings. And she’s not worried about being attacked for portins, but that Kylo Ren will try to cut her down with his lightsaber. 

In that way,  _ everything  _ has changed. Turning over the thought for a moment causes Rey to pause. And in her moment of hesitation, the third droid swings around and hits her square in the back of the head, makinig the world go dark. 

\---

Rey wakes with a heaving breath to the sound of buzzing machines and the sight of startling bright white light—the medbay.  _ Kriff.  _ She attempts to pull up to a seated position, but immediately a doctor is at her side. It’s Doctor Kalonia, and she presses her hand gently to Rey’s shoulder. 

“Careful, you had a pretty nasty hit.”

Rey groans. “How did I—”

“Finn brought you in,” Kalonia smiles. “Such a nice man for former First Order, don’t you think? Said he was looking for you and found you passed out.”

Rey’s not quite sure why Finn’s past matters in assessing how  _ nice  _ he is, but she’s too dizzy to comment. 

“Where is he?”

“Just outside. I made him wait while you rested. Rey, you’ve got a pretty nasty concussion here.”

As if on cue Finn bursts in the room, followed by Rose and Poe. 

“Rey!” Finn takes her hand and squeezes it. “Thank goodness you’re alright. What were you doing?”

“Training. I was taking on those three droids I fixed up, and I just slipped up, that’s all.”

“Well don’t train like  _ that  _ ever again,” Poe says. “Those droids aren’t supposed to deliver blows like that. You could’ve been hurt even worse.”

Rey pulls herself to sit up. “Training always has risks. And I’m  _ fine,  _ really.” She wasn’t about to admit the lingering headache settling in. “Now that I’m up, can we get going?”

Finn and Rose exchange a glance, but it is Doctor Kalonia who speaks. 

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, miss, but you won’t be going anywhere today.  _ Especially  _ not on a loud rustbucket like the Falcon.”

Rey frowned. “But I’m  _ fine _ . Concussions are just headaches. I don’t need to sit around when I could—”

“I’m afraid I might have to pull rank here, Rey,” Poe says gently. “Kalonia is right. We don’t want something to go wrong with your healing. At least for today, you’re staying here.”

Rey deflates. But there was no way protesting Poe would matter. He’s pretty much an extension of Leia at this point, and Rey wouldn’t want to go against the General’s wishes. 

“Fine,” she huffs. “But bring me back some parts to use or I’ll never listen to any of you ever again.”

Finn laughs. “You talk a big game. I think you like us too much for that to ever happen.”

Rey smiles, despite herself. Finn is right. Just then, Poe’s Commlink buzzes and he excuses himself. Not a moment later Finn and Rose have to leave, too. Kalonia runs a few tests, then concludes the best thing Rey could do was rest. She wanted to go back to her own room, but the doctor insists she rests closeby in case anything goes awry. 

Eventually, Rey is left alone in her medical bed and the lights are dimmed. She hasn’t napped in  _ ages,  _ it just isn’t her way. Rey lays back, closing her eyes. And the headache seems to dull a little bit. 

She’s almost on the cusp of sleep when a soft, low voice speaks in her mind.  _ What happened?  _

_ Training accident,  _ she thinks instinctually. Answering the voice is just like breathing. It makes sense. 

_ Training… for what?  _ The voice seems hesitant. It also sounds familiar. 

_ For whatever is to come,  _ she thinks. 

And it might be the concussion clouding her thoughts, or maybe the fact that she’s almost asleep, but Rey can barely register that this soft voice in her mind is not her own. It feels like it belongs there, like it has been missing for a long time. 

She doesn’t even consider who it might be before she falls asleep. 

\---

Rey is happy when Kalonia finally clears her to getting back to training and working on ships. She spends three days throwing herself into fixing broken Speeder. 

Something tap hits her leg and she groans. The familiar beeping of her favorite droid rings beneath her. It isn’t that Rey doesn’t want to see BB-8, but she’s just so  _ close  _ to fixing this Speeder and doesn’t want the distraction. She’s going to have to hunt for the final pieces the Speeder needs later, perhaps after dinner. 

“Keep bumping me while I’m working, BB-8, and I’ll go straight to Poe.” Rey pulls herself up into a sitting position as the droid beeps a frantic apology, not wanting a bad word to be passed along to Poe. Rey smiles, leaning over to fix the droid’s antenna. 

“It’s alright, I’ve been told it’s difficult to get my attention when I’ve got a job to do,” by Finn, mainly, who was always checking in on Rey while she was absorbed in some sort of project. Although nobody knew what happened on  _ Supremacy,  _ Finn was extremely perceptive to other people’s pain. He seemed to know something was wrong those first few weeks after Crait, though it was clear he did not understand the reasoning. Rey shuttered to think what Finn would say upon hearing that she had allowed herself to get so torn up over Kylo Ren. All of that had passed though. Rey seldom thinks of him now. She has people she cares about to focus on. 

BB-8 buzzes that Poe was expecting her in the cafeteria five minutes ago. Finn and Rose would be returning from their mission off-world tonight for dinner. Grabbing her staff, Rey starts off towards the cafeteria, a genuine smile on her face. 

Rey arrives in the crowded cafeteria to find Poe has stolen a table for the four of them, though the other two have not arrived yet. Poe’s eyes light up at the sight of his friend, and he embraces her tightly. 

“How’s the Speeder?” he asks as she slides into the seat across from him. Then, he frowns. “And the head. More importantly, how’s the head?

Rey laughs. “Speeder’s coming along, although I just might need to do some digging for the final pieces. And the head is back in working order, thank you.”

He nods, pushing a roll towards her.

Rey picks it up eagerly. She  _ loves  _ food, and the Resistance has introduced her to a world of things outside of the portions she ate on Jakku. But it’s the rolls that feel the most familiar, the best tasting. She eats them often. 

“I barely see you anymore, Rey, and when I do you're wedged in a hunk of metal and covered in grease or getting knocked out by training droids.”

Rey shrugs. “I’m a Jedi and a mechanic. Sounds like you see me exactly where I should be.”

Poe sighs. “Yes, I know. I just mean that—”

As if on cue, Finn and Rose surround the table and she is squashed into hugs before being thrown into the stories of their travels.

“The order’s gotten a tighter hold on the Mid Rim than we thought.” Finn explains. “They’re everywhere, we had to take a weird route to get there. But good news is, we got a ton of useful stuff, and some intel refueling. Ren’s still lying low, apparently, since the news broke tabout the murder of Snoke.”

Rey’s eyes dart down to the table. She can’t take it, the lying, or the look of pride she knows is glowing on all of her friend’s faces right now. When news broke of Snoke’s death,  _ her  _ face was tagged as the killer. She knows why, of course. Kylo Ren can’t admit he killed his master and that she escaped. No, she  _ left _ . It wasn’t difficult to get out of a ship torn in two and its new leader lying unconscious on the floor. 

Still, she isn’t the one who killed Snoke. And how would she explain otherwise? It is her worst kept secret. Mostly because it is Kylo Ren’s secret, and she is willingly keeping it for him. 

“All he knows how to do is destroy,” Poe says. “Father, Master, and mother, too, if things had gone his way.”

Everyone goes silent. People seldom mention Kylo’s parentage around here, especially when the General could hear. Rey never does. She doesn’t want to think of Ben Solo ever again. A strange sort of fluttering grows in her chest and Rey rises abruptly to excuse herself. 

“Head’s hurting.” She lies. “I just need rest.” She goes to give each of her friends a hug, then hurries back to her room. 

His name is on her mind. His  _ name _ .

Ben Solo.

Ben Solo. 

Ben Solo. 

She thinks it over and over again, something she has not done in a long time. Kylo Ren is  _ Ben Solo,  _ a person she has come to know. 

Rey shuts the door to her room. 

_ That’s not who I am,  _ a voice says in the back of her head. Rey jumps. Now that she’s not burdened down by her concussion, the voice is clear as a bell.  _ Ben Solo is dead. He’s never coming back.  _

Rey gasps. The bond was  _ blocked.  _ She had made sure of it. How can she hear him now? 

_ Get out of my head.  _

_ You pulled me back in.  _

She snarls. 

_ No I did not.  _

_ After your…. Training accident. _

She thinks back. There had been a moment, just after she had passed out, where she’d really lost control of her mind. No thinking, no fighting, no protecting. Her mind had been wide open and vulnerable, and Kylo Ren had walked back in. 

_ Well, that wasn’t an invitation. Stay out.  _

_ If I could leave, I would. I’ve no need for the errant thoughts of a Scavenger.  _

She stalks over to her bed and sits down. 

_ I’m not a Scavenger. I’m the last Jedi.  _

A pause. Kylo Ren’s voice returns, softer. 

_ You’re not a Jedi, Rey.  _

She shivers, her mind blanking. No, she isn’t a Jedi, is she? Just a girl with force powers thrown into an impossible situation. Jedis have training. They have masters. Rey had three days on a cold island with a man she fought with. For a moment, Rey almost forgets Kylo Ren is still in her head. 

And oh, how she hates that he’s right, that he can dig in just where it hurts—and do it with such a softness in his voice. 

_ I’m not speaking to you anymore,  _ she says in her brain, and feels him pulled from her consciousness. 

Rey collapses back on her bed, breathing hard. Kriff, he was in her thoughts? What would she do? There has to be some way to keep him out. Otherwise, she is compromised. She can’t stay. Rey pulls a blanket over herself and sighs. Hopefully, he’ll leave and stay away. 

  
  



	2. Intel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thanks for reading to chapter 2. Obviously, I'm playing pretty loosely with Star Wars lore here, not exactly the most accurate to all the researched information you'll find out there. But it's all ~for fun~ so I hope you enjoy anyway!

Feeling wholly and entirely out of her usual headspace the next morning, Rey skips out on the training portion of her morning and just lingers in meditation. It took her awhile to figure out how to really sink into the Force. Surely things would’ve been easier with Luke around, but Rey had felt him become one with the Force that day on Crait. Leia had confirmed it. 

Rey wishes she had gotten to know Luke Skywalker more. He hadn’t been perfect, but people rarely ever are. She surely isn’t, seeing the fact that sometimes she’s got the Supreme Leader whispering in her ear. 

While things that Kylo Ren had told her about Luke  _ did  _ turn out to be true, they don’t outweigh all of who he was. Rey wishes he could be here with her to make sense of all of this. 

Rose is waiting for her outside of her room when she leaves for breakfast.

“Are you busy?” Rose asks.

“No, but I’m hungry.”

Rose laughs. “You always are. I’ll join you. But what I really meant is, are you busy  _ later _ , like when you’re not hungry.”

She has the Speeder to finish fixing, but other than that, Rey’s plans for the day mostly involve hpoign Kylo Ren’s voice doesn’t pop back into her head. 

“I think I could make room for you in my incredibly busy schedule. What’s up?”

Rose looks relieved. “Can’t say here, but we can talk in Command after breakfast.”

Command? Rey’s interest is  _ incredibly  _ piqued. Rose has become a pretty big Resistance leader since Crait. Not as high up as Poe, who will be the next General, but she’s certainly a force within the Resistance. What could Rose possibly want with her in  _ Command?  _ Rey thinks, surprised. The Resistance is teeming with brilliant leaders and as the strange Jedi, she’s not one who takes up one of those positions. Mostly Rey keeps to herself and helps on small, independent tasks. What could Command possibly want with her?

But when Rey and Rose enter Command after breakfast, there is only one figure sitting at the central table: Leia. Rey greets her kindly, and Leia smiles at the sight of her, though there is this strange gleam in her eyes that is not entirely joyful. 

Rose—as she always does—cuts right to the chase. 

“We’ve picked up a spy.”

Rey’s eyes widen, but Leia shrugs. 

“There will always be spies trying to infiltrate our ranks. That is the nature of this two-sided conflict.” Leia turns to Rose, who nods. 

“Finn sniffed one out right away when he met the recruits after dinner last night, and said they’re definitely with the First Order.” Finn had been working a lot with the recruits lately, seeing as he had the unique position of knowing the inner workings of the Resistance and the First Order very well. Normally, when someone comes to the Resistance as a former First Order member, they know about Finn, or are at least all too eager to share their defection. This particular person, though, had tried to keep their affiliation quiet. 

“They had a Comm on them, too. Disguised tech, I almost didn’t recognize it.”

Rey feels a sudden regret that she went to bed so early last night. Things had become  _ interesting. _

“Did you get rid of them?” Rey asks. “We don't keep somebody like that on base.”

Rose and Leia exchange a glance. 

“They’re still here, Rey.” Leia says.   
“After Finn confiscated the tech, the spy swore up and down that they were coerced by the Order, that they’d much rather support our cause. They turned themselves over for questioning willingly.”

Rey’s stomach turns. “Surely you can’t just let a spy in the ranks, General. Finn is sympathetic because of his past, but this has to be a ploy. The spy will find another way to contact the Order and then Kylo Ren will—”

She has no idea how to finish that sentence. Kylo Ren will what? Kill them all? Probably. Rey tries to imagine him killing her. It feels strange. 

“We are no better than my son,” Leia says, “If we do not give people the opportunity to change their ways.”

It seems unlikely, Rey thinks, that there would miraculously be another like Finn. She saw the way the Order thought of him first hand, his defection to the Resistance was seen as an extreme betrayal. But still, she knows to allow Leia’s judgement to be honored, so Rey keeps her mouth shut. 

Rose looks like she might be apprehensive to agree with Leia as well, but neither of the young women would think to dispute the General at this moment. 

“What is it you need my assistance with?” Rey asks. Leia’s eyes shine a little brighter as she turns to Rose, who explains. 

“You spent your whole life taking things apart or building, and you’re the only one with that kind of knowledge who has seen the Order up close and can be trusted.” Rey leans forward in her seat, listening. 

“I think you and I could find a way to manipulate this Comm and get some information from it.” 

Rose slides the tech onto the desk. It looks like a comm, yes, but there is something different about it, something non-standard. 

“Do we know who it has access to?” Rey asks, examining the thing closely. 

“High Order officials, we think. Though  _ who  _ is something yet to be discovered.”

Rey knows exactly who she hopes it  _ doesn’t  _ connect to, but she keeps that thought to herself. 

“Will you help?” Rose asks. Rey nods. Of course she will. All she ever wants is to feel like she fits in here, like that strange worry that her purpose lies elsewhere is wrong. Rose grins. 

“I want this under wraps,” Leia tells them. “Finn knows enough, but has been instructed to say nothing. Nobody should know.  _ Especially  _ our impulsive commander that you two are so fond of,”

Leia smiles endearingly. Poe might make mistakes, but it is evident that the General cares for him. Leia dismisses them, and the two girls head for where they know they won’t be disturbed: the Falcon. 

Chewie doesn’t spend much time on base, and has deigned to leave the Falcon in good hands with Rey. Of course, Rey was flattered by this, but more so it saddened her. She knew it was hard for Chewie to spend a lot of time on the Falcon without Han. Rey understood. She missed Han too, though in a different sort of way. More of a longing for what he could’ve taught her if Kylo hadn’t- 

Just as they reached the Falcon, Finn appears out of the blue. “Rose!” he calls, jogging forward. “One of the recruits—I was sitting with him and he just started  _ crying _ . I don’t— I don’t know how…” he stumbles to explain, but Rose understands. Sometimes it is difficult for Finn to assist new recruits that didn’t defect from the Order. They’re all charged with a lot of anguish and many express it very freely, something he is not used to. 

Rose seamlessly slides the Comm to Rey and turns to Finn. “Let’s go.”

Finn glances at Rey apologetically for stealing Rose away, but Rey just shrugs and offers him an encouraging sort of smile. She wouldn’t mind the chance to study the comm alone, anyway. Rey enters the Falcon, sets down the Comm, and just as the door seals shut, that corner of her mind flings open again and she knows she is not alone.

_ Leave _ . 

_ I hardly invited myself in. If I could get out, I would.  _

There’s a pause and Rey knows he isn’t lying. She could  _ feel  _ if he was. No, Kylo Ren is not controlling this. 

_ Well, just… stay quiet then. I’m busy.  _

He doesn’t answer, and Rey takes this as a good sign that maybe the Supreme Leader knows how to shut up. She can still feel him in her head, though, so she steps away from her workstation. 

_ Why can’t I see you? _

_ I thought you wanted me to be quiet.  _

_ You’re the worst, you know that? Just answer the question.  _

_ I can’t be sure. But I think the bond is… healing.  _

Her stomach twists. Healing is exactly the  _ last  _ thing Rey wants from this bond. She’d blocked it out for a reason. 

_ Could I stop it? You know, from healing?  _

Somehow, she knows the answer before he says it. 

_ I don’t think so.  _

“Rey!” Poe bounds up the board of the Falcon, grinning. 

_ Who was that? _

_ None of your business. That’s who.  _

_ Charming, scavenger. _

She snorts. Poe’s eyes fall to the work table behind her, which Rey tries to clear as quickly and casually as possible. Leia did ask her to be discreet about this particular mission. 

“What are you up to here by yourself?”

“I was with Rose, but she left with Finn. They should be back in a bit.”

_ Oh, it’s Dameron, isn’t it?  _

“Great. I was wanting to talk to you alone, Rey.”

_ Yes, it’s Dameron. Does he always have to sound so self-assured? _

_ Shut up.  _

“Sure, what’s up?” Rey slides into the booth and smiles up at her friend. 

Poe sighs. “How are you doing? Like really doing?”

“Alright.”

“I know the concussion was hard on you…”

_ Concussion?  _

_ The training accident.  _

“And you left dinner last night with a headache…”

Rey can’t help but reflect on the fact that this is a lie and Kylo picks up on it immediately. 

_ Why’d you fake a headache? _

She wasn’t about to tell him about her fatigue of being around her friends. 

_ That’s personal.  _

_ I’m in your head, Rey. We share personal.  _

Rey can’t help but be frustrated at his access to  _ her  _ mind, but she isn’t seeming to receive the same. Maybe it was just the nature of the bonds healing, since she had blocked it out. 

“I just wanted you to know that this sort of life is tough, I get it. Fighting, lots of people, injuries, all of it. And it’s okay for it to be overwhelming… to need to step away, I mean. Even from your friends.”

Rey’s face flushes. “You knew I was lying last night?”

Poe grins meekly. “Headache? Oldest trick in the book. But it’s fine, really. I just don’t want you to feel like you need to lie to your friends.”

All she does is lie to them. Even the truth is imbued in layers of storytelling to hide who she really is. 

“Thank you, Poe.” Rey stands up to give her friend a firm hug. 

_ I don’t need to see this _ , Kylo says in her head. 

_ It’s called friendship. You should try it.  _

_ I have no need for such casual relationships.  _

Rey could laugh at the pretentiousness of the statement. No need for friendship? Her life was filled with the beauty of other people. Poe and Finn and Rose, they were spirits that lifted her. She hoped to be the same to them, though it could be difficult. Rey had lived life without friendship and it was something she never wanted to do again. 

Rey and Poe pull apart, and there's an awkward beat of silence where neither has anything to say. “Well, I’ll leave you back to it, I suppose,” Poe says, then starts to back away. 

“Thank you,” Rey says to him. “Really, Poe. Thank you for being so kind to be when there's no need.”

Poe shrugs. “Just doing my job, Madame Jedi.”

Rey can feel Kylo’s discomfort at this title oozing into her brain. She tries to push it away as Poe leaves the ship.

_ You’re awfully bent up on titles, Supreme Leader, for someone who has a galaxy to focus on conquering.  _

_ Names are everything,  _ he responds almost immediately.  _ One day, you’ll understand, scavenger. But the way we allow others to address us is the deepest reflection of how we see ourselves.  _

_ Awfully poetic of you.  _

_ Perhaps.  _

They linger on this for a moment, each other’s thoughts washing into the same space between their minds. But then Rey becomes aware, and she tries to pull herself back. 

_ You need to get out of my head.  _

_ I told you, I was pulled here, I didn’t come willingly.  _

_ My mind is my own, not a place for you to loot like before.  _

_ It’s hardly stealing when I’m not trying to take it.  _

_ Well, try harder to stay away then.  _

Just then, the bond shuts, and Rey sighs with relief. She isn’t sure secretly talking to Kylo Ren is the honesty she’d just promised to Poe a moment ago. 

\--- 

Rey and Rose spend hours tinkering with the Comm, but then resign at the end of the night to laying around Rey’s room with a basket of rolls Rose nabbed from the kitchen.

“Do you ever feel like you don’t quite know what you’re doing with your life?” Rose asks. 

Rey laughs. “Rose, I’ve never had  _ any idea  _ what I’ve been doing.”

“I’m not saying I don’t want to be here or anything. This cause is like, the most important thing to me. But sometimes, I just wonder what my life would be like without it, you know?”

“I’d be on Jakku still, probably.”

“Maybe. But maybe you’d have gone off that planet, ended up somewhere beautiful, and done something amazing.”

Rey considers this. “I think I would’ve liked to see more green places, like Takodana.”

“What about a city?”

“No way. Too many people.”

Rose sighs. “I think I would like to be in a city. Like Leia, she was a Senator. Can you imagine it? Having justice be your  _ job  _ and not your life? It sounds like a dream.”

It was Leia’s life, Rey thinks. She chose it over many other things, including her son. But Rey doesn't know if she necessarily holds that against the General. Was her ambition a crime? No. Perhaps the execution had missteps, but it is never a crime to want to better something. 

“Maybe when this is all over, you can be a Senator,” Rey offers. “You’ve stepped up this year, anyone can see that. You’re meant to be a changemaker, Rose.”

Rose sighs. “I hope so. What about you? Would you like to do more than just see green planets?”

Rey answers honestly. “I don’t know. I’ve never had the opportunity to think wanting something more than what I had was possible. It was always about waiting.”

And it still is, in a way. Just different now, with other people around. Rey and Rose will wait for the war to be over. They will wait for the First Order to be defeated, for the galaxy to find peace. At least now, Rey doesn’t feel like she’s passively viewing a story unfold. She’s taken a piece of the action, and the waiting is in her hands. 

Rose sits up, pulling the First Order Comm from her pocket. “I can’t get over feeling like this thing is important.” Rey sits up beside her, and Rose presses it into her palm. 

“We’ve been fighting all this time, and it keeps putting us back in the same place. But this thing, it could  _ teach  _ us something. We could change the game if we play it right.”

Rey nods, following her thinking. 

“Maybe we can call whoever is on the other end. They’ll tell us where they’re planning to go next, and we can meet them there,” Rey suggests. 

“I feel like we need to give, not get,” Rose says. “The spy is here to collect, the Order is not going to tell them top secret information.”

“Does the spy know where they’re going?”

“I don’t think so, no.”

Rey stares at the Comm in her hand. Not once in their hours with the machine has anyone tried to contact it. 

“Maybe we can use this to send them on false leads,” Rey wonders aloud. “Or do that just at first, build up some trust. Then we could gather intel. Be a sort of long-range spy.” She pauses, considering plans forming in her head. “If this First Order spy really is on our side, they’ll help us. We can make them talk into the Comm.”

Rose sighs. “Leia doesn’t want the spy involved in this, but I’ll talk to her.”

“What? Why not?”

“I don't know. She interrogated the spy herself, you know. Says they were very cooperative. But she’s wary about letting them touch the Comm, the Order might have secret encrypted codes or something that we don’t know about.”

Rey sighs. Leia is always a step ahead. But still… “Sooner or later someone on the other end of this thing is going to try to contact it when they haven’t heard anything. We need to be ready to use that conversation to our advantage. They need to think whoever is talking is the spy.”

Rose’s face lights up. “A voice modulator!” 

Rey frowns, rolling on her side to face her. “A what?”

“I could tamper with the Comm’s microphone, manipulate our voices to sound different.”

Rey’s eyes widen. “You could do that? Make us sound like a spy to them?”

“Well, I just need some readings on the source voice, but yeah, I could do it. And you,” Rose looks up at Rey, “You could talk. I’m no good at that. But I’ve seen you be very persuasive, Rey.” Rey frowns. Rose is  _ much  _ more of a conversationalist than her. Still, she wants to help.

“Alright, I guess.” 

Rose is already crafting a plan aloud. “You just need to figure out what we’re going to say. Talk to Finn about the Order. I’ll do the voice modulator stuff. We can do this.”

Rey nods. Part of her knows she has a much more… direct line to the Order. The Comm and the spy and the voice modulator are all hoops that she doesn’t have to jump through. But Kylo Ren has never revealed things about the Order through their connection, he wouldn’t trust her like that. Besides, it isn’t in the nature of their relationship to talk about the plans of either side.

“We can do this,” Rey repeats. And Rose smiles. 

“See? This is why I told Leia you were the best one to help. You don’t need the Force, Rey. You’re brilliant as is.”

Rey feels like her heart is going to crack in two. She sits up and pulls Rose into a fierce hug. 

  
  



	3. Intentions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi lovely people! yes, I am majorly procrastinating life and this is why my posts are frequent. once I get this thing really going I'll try to develop more of a set schedule. anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. feel free to leave comments if you want to chat! I'd love to hear from you :)

Rey finds Finn the next afternoon in his room. He’d gotten his own room, too, a privilege that Leia had given so that Finn could find time to adjust. Rose likes to tease the two of them for needing their “private time” but Rey could tell she understands to some level that their needs were different than the Resistance members who had grown up in various social environments. 

Rey finished working on the Speeder that morning, and quickly jumped back to the mission working on the Comm. 

Finn looks exhausted when Rey stops by, and she can imagine his time working with the recruits is exhausting. Still, he greets her with a warm smile and invites her to sit on his bed beside her. 

“Have you talked to Rose about our mission?” Rey asks. Finn shakes his head. 

“Not since I talked to Leia about the spy, no. I’ve been so caught up with the recruits.”

Rey nods. “You’re doing a good thing, bringing them in.”

“I just wish I could do more, you know? Troopers are trained from birth. It took me years to break that enough to leave.”

“But you did, and that’s what matters. You chose good, Finn. And people are following you.” 

There had been a small number of recruits trickling in from the First Order ranks. Most had heard of Finn’s escape and been inspired. 

“Some, maybe. I just wish they knew there was a choice. When you're taught one thing your entire life… that becomes all there is. How could I even  _ begin _ to break the cycle?”

Rey doesn’t know. There are  _ thousands  _ of Stormtroopers. She knows Finn’s priority is freeing them, but Rey’s not sure that is her fight to champion. She doesn’t know enough. 

“You’ll figure something out, I know you will.” If anyone can figure it out, it’s Finn. And Rey will support him in whatever plan he leads. 

He smiles. “What’re you being all friendly for? Hoping I was holding out on some of the artifacts we found or something?”

Rey laughs. “No! I’m here about the mission, I swear. Rose thinks she can manipulate the voice on the Comm so I can talk to whoever is on the other side and maybe feed them some false leads. But I need to know how to talk like I’m First Order, so…”

“So you came to the right place. What do you want to know?”

She thinks for a moment. “Well, have you ever heard of there being a spy for the Order before?”  
“Theoretically, yeah. But they wouldn’t be someone bunking with a guy from sanitation. I wasn’t exactly part of the espionage crew.”

“Would they be higher ups? Commanding officers?”

Finn shakes his head. “To be sent here? Most likely no. I only recognized the one we brought in because of her mannerisms. She was definitely trained in the Stormtrooper program, then plucked out for some aptitude that she showed. Still, she wasn’t going to be some important character. The Resistance knows all of those big faces.”

“So what you’re telling me is that the spy isn’t Hux in a wig?”

Finn laughs. “No, she isn’t. Is she telling the truth about everything? I’m not sure. But she’s  _ definitely  _ not Hux in a wig.”

“Okay, so how would she speak, then, when reporting back?”

“Very formally, probably. Whoever is on the other end will expect to be addressed by rank and title. They’re big on titles over there.”

_ You have no idea,  _ Rey thinks, recalling her last conversation with Kylo Ren. 

“And if they ask you a question, you have to answer it. Very little questions yourself. Always “yes” and “no.” Never say more than you need to. They’re looking for reports, not stories.”

Rey nods. “Formal, got it.” Then she pauses. “What was it like, really? Being there.”

“Lonely,” he admits. “You’re on a ship, thousands of people around you, and yet it feels like you know none of them. You’re all just pieces of a machine, working side by side but never together. And it was wrong to want that togetherness, they didn’t encourage camaraderie.”

“Did you have friends?” Rey asks. 

“A few, maybe. People who slept in the same barracks, who I had duty with often. I knew them, knew little bits and pieces of who they were. But it wasn’t like it is here, Rey. I didn’t have a Rose or a Poe around to sit with at breakfast. For years of my life I just… existed… and that was it.”

“I felt like that on Jakku sometimes,” Rey confesses. “Like I was living my life because that’s all there was. Every day was about surviving. I didn’t have friends, either.”

She briefly thinks about the dolls she used to keep in her AT-AT home and decides to keep that secret to herself. 

“Well, we have each other now,” Finn says, smiling. “And who does that junk boss back on Jakku have? Who does Kylo Ren have? Nobody. Because we found our way out.”

Rey smiles stiffly. “You're right.”

If Finn notices her unease at the sentiment, he doesn’t comment on it. 

“Listen, I know Leia doesn’t want you knowing who the spy is for confidentiality, but I can talk to her, tell her who you are. And if she wants to advise you more after you’ve tried the Comm once, well, that’s up to her. Let’s just see how it goes the first time.”

Rey nods. “Thank you for helping.”

“Good luck,” he says. “Who knows? Maybe whoever’s on the other end of the Comm will be feeling really chatty when you call.”

\---

Rose is fired up at dinner about the plan with the Comm. Poe is unable to join them, which is good, because Rose can’t stop chattering on and on about the plan and her intention to grab voice samples from the spy tomorrow so that she can tweak the tech so Rey will sound like them. 

Finn and Rose couldn’t be better people if they tried. They’re both leaders, incredibly smart, and absolutely dedicated to the Resistance cause. Something inside Rey feels twisted as she watches her friends chat animatedly about their plans. What do her friends think of  _ her?  _ If she wasn’t a Jedi, what would she be besides a person who is good with machines? Rey isn’t brave like them. All she knows how to do is survive, and in a battle like this surviving isn’t enough. She’s just a woman who has had a lot of circumstances befall her. That doesn’t make a good person. 

Rey is exhausted from all of the talking at dinner. She’s got a splitting headache, too—proof that the aftershocks of the concussion haven’t fully disappeared. Kalonia doesn’t know this, though. Rey is sure the woman is just a  _ bit  _ too overbeating lately, considering the lack of actual dangerous missions that bring back injured people for her to tend to. Rey has become the number one patient of the doctor. Besides, nobody wants to see the Jedi weak for her big battle with Kylo Ren—whenever that may be. 

She leaves her staff by the door and kicks off her boots, slumping against the door.

But her brain is so overly awake, regardless of the exhaustion in her body. Over and over at dinner, Rey was either putting on the fakes mask of her life or averting her eyes entirely. Rose had asked Rey who she thought would be on the other end of the Comm, and the thought had made her weary. 

All the more reason she needs to sleep. Now. But Rey’s mind is furiously awake, as if it has not received the exhausted memo. She squeezes her eyes shut for a minute then groans, rising from bed and hoping a bit of stretching will clear her head. 

Rey’s arms raise above her head and she grabs hold of both elbows with her hands, stretching the muscles in her back. With all of the physical labor she does on the base, her body is always sore in one way or another. Here and there people had been teaching her different remedies for the pain, and she found she likes stretching the best. It is relaxing. 

Everyone is always willing to give her advice no things like sore muscles and spare parts, but they're also expecting something for her, and the exactness of what that is she is unsure of. The people don't seem to know either, but the rumors of her being a Jedi buzzed around base quite quickly and the title came with expectations. Sometimes, she wishes she could just be one thing, a Jedi or a Resistance member. Right now, she felt like neither. And being both has complicated implications. 

And that’s when she feels it, a small corner in the back of her mind, a place she had thought closed permanently, just… opens fully. 

The sound escapes from the room, the space becoming an echoing chamber of space beyond this planet. She is still rooted in her surroundings, but something is different. Despite herself, Rey gasps. She knows what she’s about to see, and she’s angry. 

She blinks and there he is, Kylo Ren in her room but also somewhere entirely. He regards her with a stare of disdain, and Rey is enraged. He has no right to look at her that way. Not after she tried to save him and he  _ chose  _ the dark. 

The year since their last face to face encounter has changed him in small ways. His hair is slightly longer, and the shadows under his eyes have grown. He looks  _ tired _ , like a person who only cares for themselves when a droid does it for them. 

“Nice to finally put a voice to the voice.” His voice is cool and smooth. Rey watches, stunned, for a moment as Kylo takes in the surroundings of her small room, clearly a base. 

“And location, too. This is new. Where are you?”

Rey uses the Force to pull her staff to her hands. She needs to start keeping a lightsaber in her room, but she hasn't had the chance to fix Luke’s yet. Not that she wants Kylo Ren to know that. 

“Get out of here,” she hisses.

“You know I can’t, this is something beyond us.”

“It’s Snoke,” Rey blurts before she can think, realizing how absurd the claim sounds and that she doesn’t even believe it. 

“Snoke,” Kylo breathes, “Is dead.”

_ I know that,  _ she thinks. 

“And that means this is something else entirely.”

Rey doesn’t care  _ what  _ it is, she just wants it to die. Having him in her head is one thing, something that is annoying but she can pretend was a bad dream. But having him in front of her is a different sort of pain entirely. She thinks of that open corner of her mind, trying to will it shut. But it will not budge, as if willed by another power to stay open. 

“ _ Kriff _ , why won't you just  _ go! _ ” 

Kylo says nothing. 

“You know what? Fine. It doesn’t even matter. I’m going to kill you, anyway, and this will all end.” she says. “Everyone thinks I took out the last Supreme Leader. I’m going to take you out, too.”

“Are you?” he steps toward her. “Funny you’d say that, considering I seem to recall that moment in the throne room ending a bit differently than what you’ve said.”

“It’s  _ your lie _ ,” Rey hisses. “One day I wake up to find my face plastered in every corner of the galaxy with a bounty on my head. People start asking why I never told them I killed Snoke, and I panic. What am I supposed to do? I can’t say you killed him and I lived. That doesn’t make  _ sense _ . So I lie. I don’t even know why I’m keeping it secret for you. But I am, and that makes me the killer of the Supreme Leader in the eyes of everyone who knows me.”

“Not everyone.”

She steps back, her eyes falling to her feet. “You… you don’t know me.”

“Don’t I?” Kylo steps towards her. “I know you’re afraid people will find out that was a lie, that you weren’t the killer, but the reason for the killing. You’re afraid people will wonder why I did it, why I would take out my master for a girl from Jakku. You’re afraid that when people ask these questions, you’ll have to ask them to yourself, too. Because  _ you don’t want to know why I did it. _ ”

Rey’s sure her heart is beating so loud that Kylo Ren could hear it. “Should I tell you why I did it, Rey? I could make that fear go away right now, give you the knowledge.”

She shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter. None of it will matter when you’re dead by my hand. When I’ve done what…” 

She trails off. 

“When you’ve done what?”

“When I’ve done what everyone expects me to do.”

Rey can’t look at him at all after that. 

“Such nobility,” Kylo says. “I am relieved to be alerted that these are my final days by a girl across the galaxy who probably isn’t even allowed to go looking for me on her own.”

A small part of Rey’s mind wonders if she would be allowed to go hunting down Kylo Ren by herself if she wanted to. Rey has never asked. She stares at her feet, her back to him. 

“It didn’t have to be this way, but now it is.”

Kylo agrees. “Things could have been different.”

They both know that their definitions of different are not even on the same plane. And this is where the conflict stalls—both refuse to join one another, to bend their wills to any form of compromise. 

Rey doesn't want to do this tonight. She doesn’t need to fight verbally when it won’t help her kill him. She decides the next best course is to ignore him until the bond goes away. 

Kylo stands still, dumbfounded, as Rey loosens the three buns of hair on the back of her head. Her chestnut brown hair falls from the buns in odd crinkles waves at her shoulders. She gleams with sweat today from working on the Speeder and knows her hair looks wild. 

“What—” he swallows. “What are you doing?”

She turns around, glaring at him as he stares wide eyed at her messy hair. Rey knows that people in the First Order are always wearing helmets or are well kept, and the last thing she needs from Kylo Ren is to be torumented about her appearance. 

“I’m going to bed,” she snaps. “I can’t kill you through the bond. We know that. There’s no reason for us to stand around and… provoke each other. Besides, I’ve got things to do tomorrow.”

He doesn’t ask more, and she’s glad. He doesn’t  _ get  _ to know about her life here, not when he chooses to be Kylo Ren. Rey lays her head on her pillow, turning her body away from where he stands.

_ I don’t want this,  _ she thinks to whatever power is listening.  _ I don’t want him here.  _

The power does not abide, she can hear his deep breathing as he stands still in place, not sure what to do now that she’s refusing to engage him. Perhaps Kylo Ren is mad, too. He has plastered her face all over the galaxy for killing Snoke. He’s admitted tonight that he had motivation, and it involves her.  _ You weren’t the killer, but the reason for the killing.  _

She’d always hoped he’d been convinced his master was evil. Snoke needed to die, whether Kylo Ren wanted it to happen or not. The galaxy is a better place without Snoke in it. 

But could Rey say she fully thought Kylo’s intention was just to get rid of evil from the galaxy? No. If it was, he would’ve left with her, or at least never have come to Crait. No, darkness poisoned Kylo Ren’s heart a long time ago. And yet he had made a choice that was seemingly  _ good _ , with intentions she didn’t understand. 

There isn’t enough time in the night for her to puzzle out any theories, especially with his presence watching her in the room. Kylo Ren makes no move forward once Rey has turned her back on him. He is stoic, waiting for the bond to end as there was nothing left either of them could say tonight. A minute later, she feels that opening in her mind snap shut, and when she rolls over, Kylo Ren is gone. 

Rey breathes out a sigh of relief. Another moment and she was going to… do something. Whack him with her staff? It probably wouldn’t work. She couldn’t leave when he was here, that would risk someone else  _ seeing  _ him. If there is one thing she wants, it is to keep this bond with Kylo Ren a secret. She can’t even begin to imagine having to explain this to any of her friends. They  _ hate  _ him. 

She hates him too, but it’s so different. Because she knows him well enough to see that there are parts of him to hate and others to… not, but Kylo Ren chooses to bring all of those hateful parts of himself to the forefront. Surely Snoke nurtured this characteristic in him, but the master is gone. 

And that is why Rey hates him the most. Snoke is gone, he found a way out. But still, Kylo Ren chooses to be what Snoke expected of him. He never even considered turning. 

Rey pulls her thin blanket close up to her chest, and squeezes her eyes shut. Tomorrow she’ll put him out of her mind and focus on the project with Rose. This, at least, could give the Resistance some dire needed intel. And maybe it would be the first step in leading to her seeing Kylo Ren in person again. 

One thing Rey knows for certain: next time they meet in the flesh—for real, no bond involved—there will be no time spent on infuriating conversation. 

  
  



	4. Positions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's a little bit shorter than usual! if you can't tell, I really like Rey. she's a great character that deserved a lot better than she got in TROS in terms of agency and development. this story is totally going to be not some high level stuff but I'm really interested in exploring what Rey (and the other main characters, too) could've been if the story really gave them distinct tracks and followed through on characterization. okay, that's enough from me! thank you sososo much for reading and commenting. it means a lot!

The next day Rey meditates, trains, and spends hours covered in grease and fixing things. In other words, she barely talks to anyone, and it is a good day. Poe stops by to visit her once, which seems to be his way of checking in with her.

“Sometimes I think you like droids more than people,” he says, leaning against an old X-wing that has yet to be put into working order. Rey has helped fix up quite a few of the ships that had been left from long before the Resistance ever existed, but there was still so much to do. Right now she’s working on an old protocol droid. 

“Droids are easier to understand,” Rey shrugs. “But don’t be too upset, I’d say you’re ranked about equal to machinery.” 

Poe smiles. “Now I can sleep peacefully.”

“Glad to hear it.”

It is true that Rey is mostly comforted by the time in her own head, finding problems she can fix and just completing them. She’s been tinkering a bit with her own access to the Force and how it can help as a mechanic. There are so many questions she has, and not really anyone who can answer them. Well, except for possibly Leia, and Rey is not quite sure she wants to talk about her relationship to the force with the woman. It brings up a few personal complications. 

“Can I ask you something?” Rey says. 

Poe nods.

“Say I wanted to go off on my own to fight Kylo Ren. Could I do that?”

Poe frowns. “Do you  _ want _ to go off on your own?”

Rey quickly shakes her head. Kylo’s comment about her not being able to go off on her own bothered her more than she’d like to admit. 

“No! I like being here. But I will have to take him on at some point, you know? And if go alone, maybe nobody else has to get hurt—”

“Rey, I don’t care what anybody says. Killing Kylo Ren is  _ our  _ fight. Sure, you’re our Jedi. But you’re our friend, too. We’d never make you face him alone.”

Rey begins to picture a very public fight in her head, and it is perverse to every outcome she’s ever imagined. There is no possible way anyone could ever intervene in a conflict between her and Kylo. So much of it is internal, or the workings of the force. Either way, most of the fight will be tangible only to them. She’s going to kill him, but she doesn't want people to  _ watch.  _

“So what you’re saying is no, I’m really not allowed to leave on my own.”

“I guess you could think of it that way. But I’m really saying I would never  _ make  _ you do it. You’ve got backup, this isn't just your fight.”

Rey knows this is true. The Resistance wants to find Kylo Ren just as strongly as she wants him to stay far, far away from her. But laced underneath Poe’s words is a truth—one given to her by Kylo Ren. 

She can’t leave the base on her own. 

Rey suddenly becomes keenly aware of why Poe is postured to be the next General. His words are wrapped so dexterously that their true intentions could slip right into her ears without her even knowing. But a closer look, and Rey sees that she’s been given an order: Stay put. 

She’s expected this, right? Rey never planned to leave, anway. She’s safer here, well fed, and able to train. It’s just Kylo’s iniquitous mind manipulating her. He prodded her last night with questions precisely knowing she wou;dn’t let it go and would speak to Poe or Leia today. He probably knew exactly what they’d tell her, too. 

Well, Rey is not going to be shaken. She’ll stay with the Resistance and she’ll do it because she  _ wants  _ to be here, even if they are keeping her. Besides, Kylo’s whereabouts are still wholly unknown to her. She has no idea how she would even begin to hunt him down if it was possible. 

“Thank you for being such a good friend,” Rey says to Poe. “I know it’s probably not ideal to have a Jedi who can’t, you know, do all of the tasks most can. But you’ve never pressured me to deliver and I appreciate that. When the time comes, I’ll achieve what must be done.”

Poe squeezes her shoulder, gives her another affirmation, and goes off to talk to the next mechanic. As he walks away, Rey feels a headache churning.  _ Great,  _ she thinks.  _ Being amiable makes me sick.  _ Headache aside, Poe seemed rather subdued to the prospect of Rey taking off on her own, which is good, because she is  _ not  _ considering it. Not one bit.

\---

The bond opens after she’s retreated back to her room that night. This time, though, she is not in her own place. The dimly lit bedroom shifts into a sleek black office. Rey turns around, nearly bumping into a large black desk with Kylo Ren sitting behind it scrolling through files. He looks up at her appearance and frowns. 

“You’re here,” he says. 

Rey blinks, still trying to gather her thoughts after adjusting to the new surroundings. 

“The Scavenger in my office, covered in fuel and grease, what a strange turn of events this evening.”

“You don’t seem the type to have an office,” she remarks. 

“What did you expect?”

Rey takes a step back from his desk, walking farther into the small space. There’s two chairs directly opposite the Supreme Leader, probably for him to receive officers in his room. But other than that, the windowless space is noticeably bare. Exhausted from her long day, Rey resents to sitting down in one of the chairs across from his desk. 

“A dungeon, or an evil lair…. Wait, are you doing  _ paperwork? _ ” Rey resists the urge to laugh. Something about the most feared man in the galaxy doing paperwork is just so  _ funny  _ to her, she can’t describe it. Kylo Ren should be out conquering worlds or something, not signing off on permission forms. 

“The Order doesn’t run itself. We have  _ rules _ , unlike some other organizations.”

She crosses her arms defensively. “The Resistance has rules. We’re not  _ barbaric _ .”

Kylo leans forward in his seat. “And do you follow those rules,  _ Madame Jedi? _ ”

Her face flushes. Of course, she can’t say yes. Everything about this interaction is a direct contradiction to the rules of the Resistance. She isn’t real Resistance, anyway, she’s not officially sworn in. 

“No, of course you don’t. Except the rule to stay put, apparently. Did you ask your little family for permission to hunt me down today?”

“No.” She lies. They both know it isn’t the truth. 

“Well, at least you’re following one of their directives.”

“I’ll have you know I’m quite valuable to the cause, rule follower or not.”

Kylo raises an eyebrow, seemingly interested. “I can’t see what need they’d have for a Jedi right now.”

“Not much, really.” She takes care to be as vague as possible.  _ Why  _ is she answering him, anyway? “Mostly I just fix things.”

Kylo frowns. “Force healing?”

Rey shakes her head, but makes a mental note to ask Leia about what Force healing is, and if she can do it. 

“No. I do real work, earn my place. There's always machinery that needs fixing.”

“You're a mechanic.”

“It’s part of what I did before, so yes. I repair things.”

Kylo stares at Rey, really  _ looks  _ at her, and something unreadable surges behind his dark eyes. “You enjoy that, then? Being a… mechanic?”

Rey’s offended by the question. Of  _ course  _ she does. She’s helpful, capable when she’s fixing things. It’s not like the Force, something she can’t fully grasp. Ships and droids are so tangible, she never has to worry that they will evade her. 

And yet… her mind drifts to Rose, to their conversation about the Resistance.  _ Sometimes, I just wonder what my life would be without it.  _

“You could be so much more than a mechanic.” 

Rey winces. “Don’t say that.”

“Say what? That you're capable of more than what those idiots are letting you be? Don’t let other people choose your worth, Rey. Find it for yourself.”

“Stop it! Stop… giving me advice. You’re the enemy and you shouldn’t do that.”

Kylo’s face darkens. “You’re right. I am the enemy. You said just last night you were going to kill me.”

“I will. Is that not our destiny?”

Kylo nods. “I do believe we are destined to see each other fall, yes.”

Rey doesn’t put much thought into the rhetoric Kylo uses. “Well, as long as you know what’s coming, I won’t interrupt your paperwork.”

Kylo’s upper lip quirks into what could one day become a smile if he’d let it. “So kind of you, Madame Jedi, to allow me the space to complete my duties. Fortunately, I’m finishing up for the day, and seeing as you’ve appeared in my  _ office _ , I can’t roll over in bed and go to sleep. So you pretty much have my undivided attention.”

The Supreme Leader of the First Order stares at her like she’s the only living thing he’s ever seen, like nothing else could distract him. Rey stares back, unwilling to lose the unspoken challenge in his vexing stare. 

“Tell me, Rey, how was this past year without me in your head?”

_ It was like falling, like tumbling through nothingness and desperately grasping for ledges to climb up to what I could be. It was being in all the right places but having them feel all wrong. It was like having the universe tilted on its side.  _

“It was great.”

Kylo purses his lips. He doesn’t believe her. And even though he’s not quite inside her head at this moment—she could feel if he was—the edges of their consciousnesses are close though to touch, breathing their strongest thoughts slightly onto one another. 

Rey is  _ lost _ , no matter what she says or tries to convince herself that she feels. She’s lost in training, in the Resistance, in who she wants to be. Nothing has been clear, even the things everyone else says are. 

She can feel the edge of Kylo Ren’s emotions, but they are such a violent torrent that Rey has no interest in touching them just now. Knowing his pain won’t help her kill him. 

“And how was it for you, Supreme Leader?”

“It was exactly what I needed to get what I want.”

Oh, how they both lie to each other. Words twisted from desires that aren’t even their own. Rey wants it to be great having him gone because anything else is wrong. But this… staring at him across the desk and across the galaxy, this is incredibly interesting and infuriating. Rey missed this puzzle, the clear attention she feels whenever trying to uncover the true nature of Kylo Ren. 

“This is what you wanted, then? An office on a ship, floating among thousands but being entirely alone? Congratulations, Kylo. I’m glad my absence has been so fruitful.”

“I’ve always wanted to rule, you know that.”

_ But at what cost?  _

Kylo Ren is human, she can’t deny that when she sees his face. And humans don't want to be alone, unless they really, truly are—

“Monsters,” Kylo says. “Unless they’re monsters, Rey.”

Rey sneers. “ _ Get out of my head. _ ”

_ “Don’t think so loudly.”  _

Is it so wrong for her to think badly of him? She’d tried to turn Kylo Ren once before, and he’d stayed in the dark. Rey wasn’t going to spend her entire life chasing after the idea that the shred of light left in Kylo Ren was strong enough to bring him home. She’d tried, and she’d failed. 

Rey wonders if she’d be able to leave this room while still in the bond. Maybe she could discover more about the ship, see where he is? Anything other than being here with him would be an improvement. 

She doesn’t have the chance to find out, though, because a second later she’s standing back in her own room, alone. 

  
  



	5. Bargains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! good news. I actually think I have an idea where this thing is going now. if you've read this far, you're the coolest. thank you. leave a comment if you'd like! I'd love to hear what u think <3

“Give it to me again.” 

Finn and Rey are sitting in the booth of the Falcon while Rose makes her final tweaks to the Comm. 

Finn repeats the path Rey is supposed to follow in the conversation. “You were picked up by the defective traitor, they’re holding you as a new recruit for screening. Nobody has disclosed your location yet.”

Rey nods. “Right, no location.”

Lines crease Finn’s forehead as Rey internalizes his advice. He’s warned her over and over again about the different generals who she might be in contact with. “The spy said she doesn’t know who she’s being connected with, so we can’t get that information from her or whatever. But you’ve got to be careful when you’re talking. These people are conniving.”

Rose walks over to her friends. “You ready?”

Rey shrugs. “Are you sure neither of you want to do this? I’m not exactly the most qualified—”

Rose places a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, we believe in you, okay? You’ll be fine.”

Finn nods. “You're ready, Rey. And it’s just one call. A jumping point for us to make more plans.”

“Right, a jumping point.” Rey takes the Comm into her hand. She goes off to the cockpit for some quiet. Her friends retreat back to the main hold. 

Rey examines the small black and white device that fits in her grip. Rose explained to her that it’s programmed for one way communication with another device, that whoever holds the other side is going to be her only contact with the Order. 

She takes a few centering breaths, just like she usually does before meditation. This is going to be  _ fine.  _ Rose is the smartest person she knows, there is no way that the voice on the other side will recognize her, even if it’s…. a certain First Order leader. 

It was difficult to sleep last night after their conversation. She hadn’t precisely called him a monster, but he had  _ felt  _ her intention. Sometimes it felt like the bond was created just for Rey and Kylo to personally toruture each other. It certainly wasn’t meant for  _ killing,  _ seeing as physical harm wou;dn’t work. But having access to each other's mind was so much worse. 

Rey is tired enough being stuck in her  _ own  _ head. There's enough budding confusion about who she is and what she wants without Kylo Ren involved. Someday, she’s going to have to sort all of that out. But for now, she’s got a job to do. 

Today that job involves getting whatever information she can from this Comm. 

Rey takes a deep breath.  _ No fear. I can do this.  _

She counts to three in her head, and then switches the Comm on and requests communication. A heartbeat later a voice comes through. 

“Report.”

Rey’s heart drops into her stomach.  _ No, please no. _

Kylo Ren’s low voice is distinct in his short reply. Every hope Rey had of conoversing with some nameless First Order official goes out the window. 

She prays Rose did her job well so that he will not recognize her voice. 

“S-Supreme Leader, apologies for my delay. I was brought into the Resistance by the traitor and they’re holding me for screening, but they have not told me where we are—”

“So you have nothing of use to report?”

Rey can feel her hands shaking. Kylo Ren has been cold to her on plenty of occasions, but never so... _ passive. _

“No, I mean I—”  _ Kriff.  _ Finn said yes or no answers are best. “No, Supreme Leader.”

“Find out where you are and don't report back until you do.”

“Yes,” she manages. Rey is sure that she has not been recognized, which means Rose’s tech worked. Still, it is  _ strange  _ to talk to him this way. 

“Supreme Leader,” Rey continues, knowing she needs to come away with some useful information, “The Resistance—when I leave—where can I expect to rejoin the Order?”

Rey pleads in her mind, knowing Kylo Ren isn’t listening in there.  _ Please give me something.  _

“We will discuss after you’ve discussed a location.” 

Rey sighs. She’s going to need to think this through more. 

“Yes, of course. Thank you.”

She’s about to end the Comm, but—

“One more thing,” Kylo Ren says. Rey holds her breath. 

“The girl who killed Snoke—the one shown to you—she is still there, yes?”

Rey’s heart begins to beat so loud she swears Kylo Ren can hear it. “I’m not sure, sir. I’m still in screening. They haven’t put me in the regular base population yet.”

This is, in fact, true for the spy. Rey hopes it is also believable to Kylo Ren. 

“If you come into contact with her, the order you received still stands. Do not engage. I intend to handle her myself.”

Rey can’t believe she even manages a response. “Yes, Supreme Leader.”

“Good.” Kylo Ren ends the Comm. 

She sits in silence for a long moment. Not only is Kylo Ren intending to fight her himself, he’s  _ demanding it.  _ It’s senseless and completely impractical to not have a dispatched spy engage with your first enemy. How simple would it be for the spy to kill Rey in her sleep? Actually, she’s not ruling that out and will now be checking extra that her door is locked at night. 

As much as Rey hates to admit it, she and Kylo Ren have an understanding on some level; the same understanding that she came to the minute Poe said Rey would not face Kylo Ren alone. 

This was  _ their  _ fight—hers and Kylos—and nobody could possibly stand in the way of that. One will defeat the other. One will rise, the other will fall. Spies and Resistance fighters and Stormtroopers and everyone else are just blockades to their conflict—which means, at some point, she is going to need to find him herself. Rey would just rather hold off from having to leave her friends for as long as possible. 

Dazed, she exits the cockpit and nearly stumbles into an expectant Rose in the main hold. “Finn had to leave, but how did it go?”

She’s nearly forgotten the first part of her conversation with Kylo Ren already, as if the final revelation overshadowed it all. 

“He won’t tell us anything until he finds the Resistance.”

“Who’s he?”

Rey shivers. “Kylo Ren. He answered the call.”

Rose sighs. “Oh Rey, I’m sorry. If I knew it was going to be him I would never have—”

“It’s fine.” Rey sits in the booth. “It’s not like I haven’t heard his voice before. He said quite a few things to me that day on Starkiller.”

Rose’s eyes widen. Starkiller Base is still somewhat of a myth to her, as is Rey and Finn’s fight with Kylo Ren. 

“What was he like this time?”

“Just as angry as ever,” Rey responds. “But he had no idea it was me. So that’s a testament to you, I suppose.”

Rose smiles weakly. “An easy fix, really. Hey, can I have the Comm? Leia wants to keep it in command when we’re not using it, if that’s okay.” 

Rey nods, handing it over. “We need to plan our next call more carefully. Next time his voice won't blindside me so much. Maybe I can get him to talk more.” 

She doesn't tell Rose that Kylo Ren mentioned her. Somehow it feels like something that Rey is desperate to keep to herself. And she’s annoyed about it, too, because now she’s keeping  _ two  _ secrets from her friends on Kylo Ren’s behalf. 

\---

That night he appears to her again, and she feels wholly unsurprised to see him. 

“I think the Force brings you to me when I’m most desperately in need of peace.”

“You must think the Force is unkind then,” Kylo says. “To send me in when you’re desiring calm.”

He’s standing next to the door to her fresher, watching her with an unchanged level of curiosity from the day before. Rey deduces rather quickly that Kylo has no inclination that they spoke on the Comm today, and she finds herself rather relieved. 

“Well, it certainly hasn’t been looking out for my wellbeing, or the last fifteen years of my life would’ve turned out a little bit differently.”

The circles under his eyes only seemed to have darkened in the day since they’ve spoken. Rey wonders if he went to sleep after their conversation last night, then quickly pushes the concern out of her brain. It doesn’t  _ matter _ . 

Kylo raises an eyebrow. “So you see the dark side of the Force, then? I was so sure you’d tried to convince yourself it didn’t exist.”

Rey scoffs. “I never said there was no dark side. I just choose to  _ not  _ engage with it.”

_ Not anymore,  _ she thinks. There was once, on Ahch-To, when she had responded to the call of the dark. It had drawn her in, but in the end, she had found nothing of fruition. The dark was just that—a powerful, manipulative sham that preys on weak minds to mold them for its own devices. 

“You choose to stay away even though you feel the universe has wronged you?”

“Even though I feel that way, yes.”

She was planning to use the fresher before going to bed, but now it’s pretty clear that won’t be happening. Rey and Kylo stand and stare at each other—an odd, cold stalemate as neither has the motivation to speak nor initiate an attack that won’t work.

Kylo’s eyes wander around her small space and eventually fall onto the stack of books sitting atop her singular dresser. 

“Are those—”

“Don’t touch them!” Rey strides across the room quickly to collect the books that she took from Ahch-To a year ago. She still hasn't been able to read them much, and has pretty much given up on the prospect of gleaning information from them entirely. Still, she doesn’t want  _ him  _ to have them. 

“My uncle gave those to you?” Kylo’s eyes are on the old texts pressed against Rey’s chest. She blushes, recalling the moment she snatched the texts. 

“Well, not exactly…”

Kylo’s eyes widen. “You  _ stole  _ them? Ancient texts of the Jedi, stolen by a Scavenger from Jakku. Unbelievable.”

“It was for educational purposes!” She snaps. “Besides, I thought to return them one day, of course, before Luke passed. I’m sure he treasured their meanings very much.”

“If there's one thing I know, it’s that my uncle never read those books and never would.” 

Rey’s heart twinges at the mention of Luke as Kylo’s uncle. It only serves to remind her of all that he had, all that he threw away. 

“Well, he understood their principles. That’s what matters.”

“Luke Skywalker knew much less than he cared to admit. Did he have them with him, in isolation?”

Rey nods. 

“Where was he?” 

Kylo seems momentarily surprised by his own question. Of course, Rey would never tell him about Luke’s final location. He knows this.

“There's nothing left for you to find there. That place brought me more questions than answers.”

“It brought you the bond, didn’t it?”

Rey sucks in a breath as memories come flooding back to her. Particularly, in that moment that their hands touched in the hut, she had felt, well—

“It’s a wonder Luke didn’t kill you, seeing as we are connected. My darkness was practically bleeding into you then.” 

_ And my light into you,  _ Rey thinks. 

Kylo’s eyes drift from the books to her face. “Rey, I… I have a proposition.”

“Oh?”  
He seems embarrassed, Rey thinks. Strange for a man who doesn’t seem to feel much besides anger. 

“Those texts—I would like to read them, if you’d let me.”

She narrows her eyes. “I thought you hated the Jedi.”

“I do, in principle. They have, over time, incredibly limited themselves and their abilities in many ways. This is why they ended with a single old man on an island. But those texts are not just about the Jedi but about the Force itself, and I am very much interested in  _ that _ .”

“They’re not in Basic,” Rey says lamely.

Kylo doesn’t look put out. “I can read them. Trust me. This is purely for my own curiosity.”

“No way. Absolutely not.”

He studies her for a moment. “I know you’re curious what’s in them. Why keep them in your room otherwise?”

“I’m not curious enough to hand them over to  _ you.  _ You’ll destroy them, or use them to find me somehow.”

“Keep them then. Let me read them when the bond pulls us together.”

“You seriously want to use this time to  _ read _ ?”

“The conversation clearly infuriates you. Consider it as an alternative. I can tell you what I’ve discovered, if you’d like.”

She’s inclined to say yes, purely for the reason of not having to talk to him. Although if Luke were here he’d say it was an absolutely  _ stupid  _ decisono to make. What if he tries to steal the texts? Or discovers some dangerous secret in them?

But beyond the desire to have the Supreme Leader stop talking to her, Rey does want to  _ know  _ what’s in those books. And maybe Kylo Ren could find out. 

Still, she’s not afraid of a little bit of bargaining.

“Alright, say I let you read them. What’s in it for me?”

Kylo shrugs, a gesture that looks so uncommonly casual for the Supreme Leader.

“Knowledge? I did say I’d share anything interesting.”

“If I’m going to let you read the  _ sacred texts  _ I stole, I’m going to need a little bit more than just some Force knowledge.”

Kylo blinks at her. “You want…” 

His voice trails off as he stares at her. Rey crosses her arms as a mark of impatience. 

“No, nevermind. Hold on.” 

Kylo’s brows smush together as he begins to brainstorm a possible trade to make. 

_ He must really want these,  _ Rey thinks,  _ if he’s not throwing a fit right now.  _

“A lightsaber,” Kylo finally says. “I’m assuming you haven’t fixed Luke’s. If you let me read the texts, I’ll help you build a new one.”

Rey considers this. Truly, he has found one of the very few things she _does_ want. She has no idea where to start with a lightsaber. Perhaps Kylo’s assistance could be… useful. 

“You really want to help me build the weapon I’m planning to kill you with?”

He shrugs. “It’s poetic.”

Rey rolls her eyes. This man and his  _ poetry.  _ She nods. “Fine. Saber first, texts second. You have yourself a deal, Kylo Ren.”

“No, it’s going to take a while for you to gather everything you need and assemble the saber. I’ll help you step by step, and in turn get to read pieces of the books. And my original offer still stands. I’ll share what they say, if you'd like.”

Rey considers this. “Fine. But the lightsaber building begins before the reading.”

“You have yourself a deal, Scavenger.”

She makes to ask him how to begin, but the bond chooses that moment to snap shut. 

It is only after washing in the fresher that Rey discovers this might be the first time the two have come to a compromise. She doesn’t know what to make of it.


	6. Limitation

Finn decides to wake up early and join Rey for training the next morning. 

Rey likes sparring with Finn—his fight style is abnormally strict and severe for Resistance. This is heavily attributed to his Stormtrooper upbringing, which is so different from her own. She learned to fight for survival, not as a requirement of superiors. 

Finn spends so many hours doing important jobs for the Resistance that he seldom has the time to spar with Rey anymore. She doesn’t nag himi about it, either, because she can’t blame him for being an amazing asset to the cause. 

“I can’t believe one of those things gave you a concussion,” he pokes the powered down training droids with the end of his borrowed staff. 

“It was my fault, I just got a little distracted.”

Finn nods, then sits down on the training mat. The front of his shirt is soaked in sweat from their repeated and meticulous fighting.

“Do you often? Get distracted, I mean.”

Rey sits down across from him. “Not really, no. I’ve just been… thinking a lot lately.”

“About your mission with Rose.”

“Yes. And… no. I mean, that’s been on my mind but also just with the Resistance growing stronger, I’m starting to feel like maybe I need to step up a bit, you know?”

Finn frowns. “The mechanic people say you’re like, the best they’ve got. I’m pretty sure you’re doing a lot around here.”

“I’m not talking about mechanics, Finn.”

“Oh.”

Rey sighs, leaning back. She’s not about to tell Finn that Kylo Ren has been perplexing her through their personal conversations.  _ Last night Kylo Ren offered to help me build a lightsaber, and I said yes. How am I a hero when I do things like that?  _

“Well, whatever’s on your mind, Rey, you can tell me.”

“It’s just the Force. I wish I understood it more, could use it to my advantage like Luke—”

“Luke was, like, really old. Didn’t he have years of experience?”

Rey grins. “He wasn’t  _ that  _ old. He’s the same age as Leia!”

“Right, okay. But he had years of experience! You’re just starting out. Nobody’s expecting you to know everything in just a year.”

“Kylo Ren knows a lot more than me.”

Finn’s expression darkens at the mention of the Supreme Leader. 

“He’s a sick person, Rey. You don’t need to compare your own journey to the dark stuff he does.”

She’s  _ not.  _ Rey isn’t looking to do what Kylo does, she was merely saying that he knows  _ more _ than her about, well, everything where the Force is concerned. 

“He had Luke, and Snoke, to teach him. So good or bad, he knows a lot. How am I supposed to compete with that?”

“You’ve got time.”

“The Resistance is growing, though.” Rey says. “Soon we’re going to be strong enough where Poe and the General are going to start coming up with attack plans. I don’t want to lead a bunch of people into a fight I’m not capable of winning.”

Finn’s eyes soften. “Do you really think you’re not capable of beating him? Rey, I was there on Starkiller. You  _ can  _ kill him. You aren’t giving yourself nearly enough credit.”

The memory flashes in her eyes and in an instant she’s transported back to his offer, the first offer that truly perplexed him. 

_ You need a teacher.  _

Was that any different than what she’d just agreed to? He was going to help her build a lightsaber, and then read the sacred texts  _ to her _ . Oh, that underhanded man. He’d slipped himself into the role he intended to fill without her realizing it. Still, Rey couldn’t go back now. Killing Kylo Ren is pretty much depended on having a solid weapon, and currently all she has is her staff. She just needs to make sure this teaching goes no farther than what they’ve already agreed on. 

Just then, Rose bursts in the training room, a full smile spread on her face. “Rey! Thank goodness you’re here. General Organa wants to talk to you.”

Rey clamours to her feet, then lowers a hand down to help Finn up. She doesn’t have much time to consider what Leia would want with her before Rose rushes her to Command and she’s standing in front of the woman. 

“How’s the head?” Leia asks. 

“Fine, thank you.” The General gestures for Rey to sit beside her and then dismisses Rose so the two can be alone.

“Poe told me something interesting yesterday,” Leia says. 

“Did he?”

“Well, you know the man never knows when to shut his mouth. And he was talking about you, about how you asked if you would be allowed to leave to hunt down Kylo Ren yourself.”

Leia’s face grows serious.

“General, I in no way meant to disrespect. I value my place alongside the Resistance very much and—”

“You don’t need to lie to me, Rey. I can sense your feelings have been complicated as of late.”

Rey blushes. 

“But I do want to reiterate Poe’s sentiment. And I’m only saying this because I care about you, Rey, and do not want to see you hurt. You are not to leave this base alone. People out there are looking for you. My stupid, foolish son has put a bounty on your head and the galaxy isn’t kind when credits are involved.”

“I was not intending to leave, General. It was merely a curiosity.”

Leia nods. “Sometimes it is in our most curious moments that we decide to be brave. You might think hunting him down alone is brave and noble Rey, but it isn't. It’s just stupid.”

“Yes. I know that.”

Leia smiles. “Good. Now I won’t lock you in. If you hadn’t had that concussion, you could’ve gone on that mission with Finn a few days ago. Traveling in teams is much less dangerous. You need people to have your back.”

“Of course, General.”

“Besides, you’ve got your assignment with the Comm to focus on. No need to go running off when the real solution could be right in front of us.”

“I’m not sure how helpful that is going to be,” Rey says honestly. “I spoke to Kylo Ren, and he’s unwilling to give any sort of information up without receiving any first. It might just be a dead end.”

“You’ll get something out of him. I can feel it.” Leia gives her a look so full of  _ hope  _ that Rey begins to feel guilty. How can Leia place such kindness in her, show so much faith, when all Rey is going to do is disappoint her? 

Mentioning her  _ other  _ conversations with Kylo Ren is on the tip of her tongue, but—

“That’ll be all, Rey. Is there anything else you’d like to tell me?”

Rey swallows. She  _ can’t _ . Leia’s hope would shatter and the fragile glass that Rey lives in here on base would rain down on her in shards. Nobody can know she speaks to Kylo Ren. She’s not supposed to be susceptible to any weakness. Rey is strong enough to get what she needs from him and not fall to manipulation. 

_ He will read the texts. I will build a lightsaber. That is all.  _

“No, General. Thank you.”

Leia nods. “Best you go meet with Rose,” she says. “The new recruits are joining the rest of our members today, even ones from  _ unique  _ situations.”

Rey quickly nods, then stands. “I will not let you down. The assignment will succeed.”

“When you’re on the right side, Rey, things always have a way of working themselves out.”

\---

He’s standing at a table of First Order officials when Rey is pulled to him next. 

Kylo doesn’t notice her at first, entirely engrossed in his conversation with the men and women around the table. 

Rey watches him for a moment. She’s caught up in the strength of his stance. He’s tired, exhausted, but nobody in the room would notice. Kylo Ren is too proud to conduct himself in a way that reveals a shred of weakness. Besides, they are all too afraid to look deeply at him anyway. And you would not see his true weariness from fearful glances. 

But Rey stares. Her eyes trace the scar she placed on his face up to his dark brown eyes. His skin looks paler, his eyes sunken. 

She gently pushes a thought is way. 

_ Kylo _ . 

His eyes dart up from the table, the slightest of movements. They see each other. 

“I have other matters to attend to, you are all immediately dismissed,” he says. 

There is a confused murmur among the officials, especially General Hux, but nobody is about to argue with the man with a rageful temper for randomly ending a meeting. One by one the officials file out, until it is only Rey and Kylo left standing together. 

“They couldn’t see you,” he says. 

Rey nods. “Maybe only Luke could because he’s Force sensitive. I was worried they would be able to hear me, though. That’s why I didn’t say anything aloud.”

“Did  _ you _ hear anything?” he asks. And she realizes he’s talking about First Order plans. Rey hadn’t even thought to listen in. She was too busy looking at him, like some sort of—

“No.”

“Good.” 

Kylo crosses the room until they are a few feet away from each other. “So, the lightsaber.”

“Yes, right. What do I need?”  
“I can get you the parts. But the biggest piece you have to find on your own—your Kyber crystal.”

“Oh.” Rey remembers seeing one of those before. “I have one, from Luke’s saber. It’s split in half, though.”

Kylop shakes his head. “No, I mean  _ your  _ Kyber crystal. You have to go find it alone, in a cave on another planet, most likely.”

“Why alone?”

“Because it is a personal journey and you will not succeed in total focus when companions are present.”

“I can’t leave base alone.”

“Then you can’t build a lightsaber.”

She groans. “Why is everything with the Force so kriffing  _ impossible _ ?”

“This is perfectly possible. You just need to go get a crystal.”

“ _ I can’t go get a crystal alone.” _

He shrugs. “The limitations you allow others to impose on you are not my concern.”

Rey is rather put out by that anecdote. “What limitations?”

“You’re possibly the most powerful Force user alive right now, equal to me. And as such finding your Kyber is your  _ destiny.  _ But instead you’re willing to stay put and fix droids because other people tell you to.”

“Why are you so obsessed with me being a mechanic? And those  _ other people  _ are looking out for me.”

“Of course they are. But they're also limiting you.”

“Safety is not limiting! It’s  _ caring. _ ”

“It will crush you.” Kylo takes a step forward. “Trying to be everything they ask, it is impossible. Everyone expects these great things from you, things you aren’t even sure you’re capable of. But you can’t find out what you can do by following their rules.”

“I don’t let them stop me. I train. They want a Jedi.”

“But do they want  _ you _ ? All those rules, Rey…stay put. Fix droids. Assimilate. They’ll be mad at you for breaking them, but they’ll be infuriated if, when the time comes, you’re not the Jedi they need.”

Rey swallows. She’s not about to reveal anything about the pressure she’s been feeling lately to  _ him. _

“You don't know what they want from me.”

“They want you to kill me, to be their leader and savior. But they also won’t let you lead, will they? Nobody is entirely sure where you belong in this story, especially you.”

“ _ I belong with people who care about me _ .”

Rey’s infuriated by his insinuation that her friends see her as some sort of prop. Finn, Rose, Poe, they care about  _ her.  _ She’s more than her Force abilities to them. Rey knows this. She believes it.

After a long moment, Kylo’s words change course. “Finding your Kyber crystal is the only way you’ll stand a chance against me. You’ll disappoint them.”

_ I disappoint them by talking to you,  _ she thinks.  _ I disappoint them by letting your words get inside my head. _

“I’ll find another way.” The words are hollow, a lie. Rey  _ needs  _ to do this, and yet she  _ can’t.  _ He’s probably trying to lure her out into open space so she can be captured. Kylo seeks to make her insecure in her place so she’ll make a stupid and risky choice. 

“I’m not,” Kylo says, reading her thoughts. “Look, Rey, when I defeat you, I want it to be because of my strength, not like that. Our destiny is for a much different end than you being captured off of a ship and killed.”

She doesn’t quite like the  _ our  _ of his sentence, as if destiny is something that they share. Rey knows  _ her  _ destiny is to kill him and save the Resistance. His destiny is not the same. 

Kylo sighs. “Look. The planet you’re looking for is Ilum. Go there, find your crystal, and I’ll get you the materials you need. I can’t help you otherwise.”

Rey doesn’t respond. Perhaps if she speaks to Leia, if she explains her desire for a lightsaber, then she can convince them to let her go to Ilum alone. If not, well, she’s going to have to figure out another way to defeat Kylo. Because he is  _ wrong _ . Her friends will not crush her by caring for her wellbeing. She can be the hero they need and still follow their rules. 

“I’ll figure it out,” she says vaguely. 

Kylo nods. “And next time, you owe me some reading,”

This is the last thing she hears before the bond ends. 


	7. Permissions

Rey is incredibly irritable the next day, much to the surprise of her friends. Rey overhears Rose at breakfast trying to convince Finn to approach her, but Finn is extremely put out by this suggestion. 

“I can’t make her not grumpy! If you think she’s mad, ask her yourself!”

She almost wants to laugh. Of course, her friends have no idea why she’s  _ really  _ upset. All night she was up agonizing over what to do about her lightsaber. Rey could simply talk to Leia about it. Maybe the General would just say yes and she could go to Ilum quickly. But somehow Rey knows that this would not be the case, and she’s agonizing over what to do. She can’t leave. She  _ won’t.  _ It is dangerous, regardless of Kylo Ren’s promise for wanting their fight to be noble. What possible could be noble about seeking to kill another person? 

In the afternoon, Rose works up the guts to approach a brooding Rey. 

“Are you up for working on the mission today?” 

“Of course I am.” 

Rose smiles. “Good. Because I talked to Leia, and…” 

Rose steps aside to reveal a young woman in mismatched Resistance gear. Her posture is studiously straight, and although the woman is smiling, her casually friendly air seems incredibly forced. It clicks in an instant. 

“Oh.” Rey is suprised. The spy doesn’t look much older than her. For some reason, she was expecting someone who was ancient and experienced at espionage. 

“I’m Rey.” She extends her hand, careful not to let any of her weariness at meeting a former First Order member show on her face. The woman nods, then clasps her hand. 

“Lena,” she responds. Lena knits her eyebrows together. “Rey… what an unfamiliar name.”

Rey laughs. “Really? I would’ve thought differently, considering your… previous occupation.”

Lena shakes her head. “I’ve seen many faces like yours around the galaxy, miss, but never a name. Never Rey.”

Rey doesn’t know quite how to feel about this. She tucks the confusing revelation away to think about at a later time. Rey turns to Rose. 

“Leia changed her mind?”

“Lena’s here to… advise. But not to speak directly. Just in case of codes and stuff, you know.” Rose looks at Lena rather sheepishly, apologetic to question the woman’s allegiance. 

Lena merely shrugs, unbothered. “I’m not sure what kind of help I’ll be. Kylo Ren’s not prone to give out much detail.”

Rey nods. “Why’d you leave?” She asks. Rose shoots Rey a look like she’s asked a rude question. Rey doesn’t think it’s rude to want to know why somebody would leave the First Order. Finn had said it was difficult to break the mentality they drill in there. Surely spies didn’t show up and immediately turn on a whim.

“Hux killed the love of my life,” Lena says casually. Rey feels her words like a blow to the chest.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“No, it’s okay. I’d heard about Finn, too. He’s a real person here. I was tired of being a part of something that hurt me over and over again. I wanted out, but I was so deep in. The minute I was assigned to spy as a recruit here I knew it was my way to escape.”

“That’s very brave of you, to keep fighting when you could’ve tried to escape the conflict.”

Lena shrugs. “War is the only way I know how to live. What else would I be?”

The three women fall silent at that. The sentiment registers with each deeply. 

“Lena’s been very helpful,” Rose supplies. “She spent a good amount of time on  _ Supremacy,  _ and has even met Kylo Ren a few times.”

“Once is too many,” Lena says.

Rey laughs. “You’re right about that. When I spoke to him on the Comm he was so cold I thought he was trying to murder me with just his voice.”

“Welcome to the Order. Kylo Ren is a nightmare they tell Stormtroopers about to keep them in line.” 

An image briefly passes through Rey’s mind from long ago of their fingers touching, the subtle orange light of flames illuminating the side of his face. 

“Good thing we have Rey to kick his ass.” Rose says. “She’s the best we’ve got, with her Force abilities and everything. Kylo Ren is afraid of  _ her _ .”

Rey feels Lena surveying her subtly. Surely she doesn’t live up to an image of a person Kylo Ren is afraid of.

“Then it’s a good thing you’re on the Comm, then. I was terrified at the prospect of having to lie to an Order official even after I decided I wasn’t coming back. They all see right through fear.”

“I tried my best. Hopefully you can help more.”

Lena nods, and the three women make their way towards the Falcon for some much needed privacy. 

Rey is amused by Lena’s quiet awe upon entering the Falcon. The mystique of the rust bucket ship has since worn off for Rey, and now it brings her more of a feeling of nostalgia then glamor. 

“Han Solo flew this ship,” Lena smiles. “ _ The  _ Han Solo. I mean, I know Kylo Ren killed him and everything, but he’s still a  _ legend _ .”

Rose replies fondly while Rey falls back into memories of Han and what could’ve been. She hadn’t known the man long, but there had been a moment where things could’ve been very different. What if she had accepted his offer to join him and Chewie? Would she have ended up like this, penned into a Resistance base as a sitting asset?

“Kriff, the Comm is still in Command.” Rose stands, but Rey stops her. 

“No, I’ll get it. I need some time to think, anway.”

Rose gives Rey a long look then nods. “Alright, but come right back.”

Rey smiles at Lena and Rose before parting. Command is empty when she arrives, but Rey knows precisely where the device is stored. On her way out the door, she nearly clashes head on with Leia.

“Oh, General. I was just grabbing this.” She holds up the Comm. 

“How is Lena?” Leia asks. “Did you meet her?

Rey hears the question within the question:  _ do you trust her?  _

“Yes,” Rey says honestly. Truth be told, she  _ does  _ feel like Lena truly wants to help. Rey feels as if she would be able to detect any sort of ill intentions from the woman. 

“She seems like she’ll be helpful. I’m glad to have her.”

Leia nods. “Good, Rey.”

The General pushes on the door to enter Command, but Rey leaps into the question that’s been bugging her. 

“General, I was thinking of doing a solo mission to Ilum. I need a new saber, you know, and Ilum is the place—”

“You know now is not the time to be venturing off alone.”

“Yes of course, but without a real weapon how am I supposed to defeat Kylo Ren. Going alone would ensure I—”

“Going off alone?” Poe appears around the corner. “What’s this about going off alone? Rey, we need you here!”

“It would only be a short trip. I just need to find my Kyber crystal, that’s all.”

Rey can see the agreeance in Leia’s eyes, which is why it hurts all the more when she says no. 

“I’m sorry Rey. I really can’t risk  _ anyone  _ to Ilum right now, let alone you all alone. It’s best you just keep up with your training.” 

Leia turns on her heel and walks back into Command. Rey doesn’t want to feel subtly burned by the General’s statement, but the heat of Leia’s honesty runs deep inside her. She spent her whole life surviving alone, why does nobody trust her to do it now?

Poe watches her for a moment. “Hey, you’re alright, right? I know this sucks. But we just want to keep you—”

“Safe, I know.” She snaps a bit harsher than intended. “All anyone around here ever wants to do is keep me safe. That is, until you all throw me on the front lines and expect me to kill the most dangerous man in the galaxy. With my bare hands, apparently.”

Rey pushes past Poe and continues on down the hall back towards the Falcon. He calls out to her once, but she doesn’t bother to look back.

\---

Kylo is back in her room this time, appearing like a tall shadow in the dark light. 

Rey can’t take it anymore, she just groans, her face momentarily falling to her hands. Not  _ him _ . Not  _ now _ . She’s certainly not in the mood for Kylo Ren and his insidious manner of pushing favors and truths out of her. 

“I take it you asked, then.”

She’d returned to Rose and Lena quickly after her encounter with Leia and Poe and feigned a headache. Luckily, it seemed like the women didn’t sense any unease. Rey just wasn’t up for a conversation with Kylo Ren while disappointment was settling so deep within her. Now it seems she has no choice. 

“I did, against my better judgement. And I believe the conversation might’ve gone a bit differently if my  _ kriffing face wasn’t plastered across the entire galaxy. _ ”

Kylo shrugs. “You’re a wanted woman.” 

_ But you keep my name to yourself,  _ Rey thinks. Why does he do that? Lena’s insistence that the posters have kept her given name anonymous is nothing less than shocking to her. 

“The posters are a necessity. I can’t be blamed for wanting to find you.”

The pair seem to realize the duality of his words almost instantly. 

“So you can meet your rightful end, that is.” Kylo supplies.

Rey sighs. “Right, when you track me down and _kill me_ _justly_. Oh, but not until after helping me build the weapon I will challenge you with.”

“I’m merely matching your threat with one of my own.”

“You shouldn’t—”

“ _ What _ ? I shouldn’t vow to take down my opposite who threatens to do the same to me? What would you have me do, Rey?”

“Not plaster my face all over the galaxy, that’s what! You’ll never get what you want that way, anway. Nobody is letting me out of here alone while everyone is looking to turn me in for credits.”

She turns away from him and sighs. There is no use in this fight. Seeing as neither can act on their intentions, the threats are just empty words spilled into the silent air between them. 

“Since you’re here, you might as well read.” Rey picks up the first text off the top of her dresser and spins around to hand it to Kylo, but then thinks better of it. She sets the text on the floor and sits with her back resting against the side of her bed. Kylo follows, positioning his long legs to fold into the space directly next to her.

“Right,” he swallows. “No use debating what will come to pass. Only time will tell.”

“Only time will tell,” she agrees. “Until then, find something of use in here for me, please.”

Kylo seems to understand her apprehensiveness at letting him pick up the book, so he leaves the text on the floor and bends down to open it to the first page. A second later, he lets out a sharp breath that Rey thinks might be a laugh. 

“What? What does it say?”  
“Nothing of interest. The Jedi are a bunch of pious bastards.”

She glares at him. “Just read.”

But Kylo Ren is already reading again, and Rey sees flashes of a boy he once was. A boy who—before his mind was entirely eclipsed by darkness—didn’t just consume knowledge. He  _ craved  _ it. 

Kylo Ren consumes the text like it is the last drop of water on a starving day of hot sun. He looked up at Rey abruptly. 

“Do you know how to read?” He asks. 

“ _ Yes _ , of course I do.”

He shrugs. “You’re from Jakku, I assume you have no formal education. It wouldn’t be surprising if you couldn’t.”

He’s right, of course. Plenty of people on Jakku hadn’t learned how to read. And while Rey is better with her hands than with books, she found reading to be a resource to her as a Scavenger. She had learned, slowly. 

“I just can’t read  _ this _ .” She poke the old text. “It’s not any script I know.”

“Would you like to learn it?”

Perhaps she would, in a lifetime far away from this one. Somewhere out there is another version of life where Rey is surrounded by books and languages and exploration beyond anything she can even imagine. But it’s not  _ this  _ life, where her current access to information is through the person she abhors. 

“I don’t need to learn it. I’ve got you to summarize the good stuff.”

“I’m not sure anything in an ancient Jedi text is going to be  _ the good stuff _ .”

“Then perhaps it will all be very boring, and I will toruture you with pages and pages of reading that make you miserable.”

“How incredibly cruel of you, lightsider.”

Rey looks at him for a moment—really  _ looks  _ at him, like she hasn’t in a while. Kylo Ren is not a man she often finds herself staring at, but in this moment she’s interested in the depth of his eyes, the line of his jaw, and that thin pale scar running across his face. 

He’s looking at her, too, something unreadable in his expression. 

It’s not strange, Rey supposes, to consider that the man with this face is the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo. On the surface he is so evidently a combination of them, and possibly a bit underneath, too. He has Leia’s regalness, and sometimes Han’s mannerisms, and between that something that is entirely his own. 

When they fight in her dreams, she never really stares at him in a way such as this. There’s never this stillness between them, a moment frozen where they can just observe and be observed. Rey supposes even in her imagination, calmness between her and Kylo Ren has never existed. 

“I expect one piece of information before you disappear,” she says, her eyes locked with his. “And make it interesting, seeing as you won’t be reading these again until I get my crystal.”

Kylo presses his lips together and breathes deeply. Rey wonders how he’s able to accomplish this, seeing as she hardly feels like she can breathe herself. 

“I will try my best,” he says simply, turning back to the pages. As soon as he looks away Rey catches her breath, and swiftly decides to keep her eyes looking anywhere  _ but  _ his face until the bond closes again. 

  
  



	8. Responsibility

Rey wakes up the next morning splayed out on top of her own bed. She vaguely remembers Kylo still reading when she drifted off last night—she could’ve sworn she’d leaned her head on his shoulder right before falling asleep, but  _ that  _ wasn’t possible. Either way, she must’ve gotten up in the middle of the night and crawled into bed. That had to be what happened. He’d told her small little tidbits of information from the Jedi texts, mostly anecdotes of stories and legends and traditions recorded. Rey was surprised at Kylo’s restraint from letting his own personal afflictions get in the way of the storytelling. 

Practically the entire morning she spends thinking about the Jedi texts. It was, well,  _ nice  _ to learn something new. But it won’t be happening again any time soon, not until she gets her Kyber crystal and he can help her with the next steps. She’s certain of the fact that modifying the deal will lead to nothing good. Besides, she has other more pertinent matters to take care of—like the Comm. She’d skipped out on Lena and Rose yesterday, but this afternoon Rey can’t avoid them again. She’s nervous to talk to Kylo over the Comm. Not because it’s him—she’s getting better and handling their verbal battles—but rather because he won’t know he’s speaking to  _ her _ . And well, there are some truths Kylo Ren holds that Rey is not interested in hearing. 

Finn, Lena, Poe, and Rose join Rey for lunch. Poe, of course, is oblivious to Lena’s former employment and just considers her a new recruitment that he’s responsible for charming. Lena lets him do so, though if this is out of genuine interest or just a safety measure Rey isn’t entirely sure. The three girls split off after lunch, heading back to hide in the Falcon and prepare for Rey’s next conversation. 

“Finn really gave you good advice,” Lena says. “You need to be kurt and formal. They’re expecting that. But part of me thinks we need to go out of the box if we’re going to get anything interesting out of him.”

“Tell him you’ve seen Rey!” Rose says. “That might interest him.”

Lena raises an eyebrow.

“He really wants to kill me,” Rey explains. “Like,  _ really  _ wants to kill me. The posters don’t even do it justice to how much he wants to kill me.”

Lena laughs. “Well, at least you’re aware of your situation.”

“Oh, fully aware.”  _ More than you know,  _ she thinks. 

“That’s good, though. Try that. I was ordered to stay away from you, but see if bringing up ‘the Girl’ does anything.”

They hash out a few more logistics, and again Rey is resigned to the cockpit for her private conversation with the Supreme Leader.  _ He doesn’t know it’s you, there's nothing to worry about,  _ she thinks. But still she worries. What if he appears to her during the Comm? How will she explain  _ that?  _

_ You’re enemies. He’s expecting you to work against him.  _

Right, enemies. She will do what she must. 

Rey switches on the Comm. 

“Report.”

The same anxious feeling from the first Comm overtakes her body. 

“We are on a cold planet, sir. But I have yet to discern our exact location.”

This is a lie. The above ground of their base’s planet is fairly dry and warm with some bodies of water. But Rey hopes it will send him on some sort of chase that will buy them time. 

“Do lose the habit of Comming me with useless information,” Kylo responds sharply.

Rey swallows. “Yes, sir.”

_ Kriff _ , if he ever spoke to  _ her  _ like this, she’d slap him into next week. He really treats his subordinates this way?

“Anything else?”

“I have seen the girl, the one from the posters.”

On the other end there is silence. 

“She’s here, with the Resistance. I do not know—”

“Do not engage. That’s an order.”

“But she killed Supreme Leader Snoke! Surely I could—”

“I intend to bring the girl in myself. What lies between us is not First Order and Resistance business. Do keep distance.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

Rey’s head spins. It’s strange to hear Kylo describe their… connection in such simple terms. He's right, of course, the conflict created by their bond is  _ different  _ from the First Order conflict. But also, she never thought he’d admit it. 

Kylo doesn’t even sign off. He just ends the Comm at that. 

Rey leans back in the captain's chair and takes a deep breath. No matter how she tries to spin this in her mind, her bond with Kylo Ren is becoming  _ incredibly  _ complicated. 

\---

She’s never appeared in  _ his  _ room before, and oh it is so strange to see the place where he is truly by himself. The space is as she would imagine it would be: black walls and bed in the center of the room, a small closet and door to a fresher to the left. 

Rey has learned one clear thing Kylo and her seem to share in common: they are most themselves when alone. She’s always presenting herself as a slightly altered version whenever another person is around. With all of the secrets she’s keeping, there is no way to just  _ be  _ around anyone but herself. 

Kylo is unlacing his boots when she appears. He looks up, perplexed, and they just stare at each other for a long moment before he goes back to his task. 

“I didn’t think I’d be seeing you here,” Kylo says. 

“Why not?”

“You used to never appear, now it’s been a few days in a row. Surely that won’t last.”

She shrugs. “Maybe you were right about the bond growing.”

“I have the habit of being correct about most things.”

“ _ Please.  _ If you were right about things, you wouldn’t be sitting in a room by yourself on a First Order ship. In fact, you’d be anywhere else.”

“Are you questioning my judgement?” He asks, more amusedly than angry. 

“Somebody needs to. You tear through the galaxy imposing your opinion about the way things should be on  _ everyone _ . Once and a while you ought to have someone knock you down a peg.”

“The Order is about a lot more than what I think, Rey. But thank you, I will keep your opinion for my need of a partner to rule in mind.”

_ Join me.  _

Neither of them are quite sure where the words come from, but they echo through each of their minds with such vigor that they cannot be ignored. Rey gasps. 

“I didn’t mean  _ me _ , I just meant—”

“I’m not naive enough anymore to assume you would consider yourself for the position,” Kylo says.

Rey rolls her eyes. “You seriously couldn’t believe  _ I  _ would join the Order.”

“That’s not what I offered.”

_ Join me,  _ he’d said. And Rey had immediately taken  _ me  _ to mean the First Order, to mean the Supreme Leader. She never considered that  _ me  _ could’ve been  _ him _ ; just a person, not a title. But that offer has its own connotations, too, and Rey is positive that he wasn’t offering himself to her in  _ that  _ way. 

Would taking his words to a different meaning have changed her answer? She isn’t sure. All she knows is that this is the past, and she cannot go back and change what happened. 

“Rey…” 

She swallows nervously and then allows herself to look at him fully. Kylo’s lips part, as surely there are a million questions racing through his mind just as hers. But Rey can’t access his thoughts right now, not when she’s so clouded with her own. 

“Have you thought more about the Kyber?” he asks. 

Rey sighs. That she  _ can  _ answer. 

“The likelihood of the General changing her mind is  _ very  _ small.”

“She’s not that sort of woman.”

“No.”

He kicks his boots off fully, then crosses the room to place them in his closet. Rey watches him go and then return to sitting on his bed. 

“But I was asking what  _ you  _ thought, not the General.”

Rey flushes. “I think what she thinks. If it isn’t safe, then it isn’t safe.”

He stands up, takes a step towards her. “You don’t have to lie, Rey. Not to me.”

“I’m not lying.”

“Your thoughts are mine. It’s pointless.”

“ _ I’m not lying _ .”

She desperately wants to shield her thoughts from him, to make the things she shouted to Poe in the hallway disappear from her memory so he could not have them. Her own wavering is her own weakness, not something for him to puzzle over for his own amusement. 

“How are you going to kill me without a lightsaber? I’m not giving mine up to get the job done, that’s for sure.”

“If I had a plan for your murder, you’d be the last person I’d share it with.”

“So you’ve planned it, then?” he raises an eyebrow. “You’ve got an expectation to live up to, you know. Got to top the theatrics of your first Supreme Leader murder.”

Rey sneers in disgust. “This isn’t a  _ game _ . Do you think I want to be sitting around plotting how I’m going to kill you? If I wasn’t a Jedi, nobody would give a shit about what I did and I could leave it all to someone else. I don’t want—” She stops herself. 

“You don’t want what?”

“Nothing.”  
Rey’s glad to not have to finish the sentence. She doesn’t want to know her own answer. 

“It’s interesting,” Kylo says softly, “How much time we can spend wishing our lives were different, when in fact we are the only things standing in the way of that change.”

She wants to say she’s completely satisfied with her life, but it is a lie. And he knows it. Truth be told, the ache in Rey’s heart grows every day as she continues to live a life she’s not sure she wants. 

“But if you need to kill me to get what you want, Rey, you should try and kill me. I’ll fight you too, of course. And I’ll likely win. But at least you’ll have gone after what you want.”

“Your success is unlikely. Things always find a way of working out for good people.”

“Who planted that nievery in your head? My mother?”

“And your jokes won’t change my mind.” She takes a step towards him and squares her shoulders. “I’m  _ going  _ to be what everyone wants me to be and you  _ will  _ meet your end by my hand, I swear it.”

“After you build your lightsaber.”

“Right.”

“Which you need to do by leaving base alone.”

“I’ll find another way.”

“I’m sure you will.” She doesn’t like the snarkiness of his tone, but as soon as her retort surfaces he disappears. 

Back in her own room, Rey feels her heartbeat slow to a normal pace again. She sighs, falling back onto her bed. The web of interconnected truths lies seems to be growing tighter and tighter around her. 

_ I need to kill Kylo Ren.  _

_ I want to kill Kylo Ren.  _

_ Everyone expects me to kill Kylo Ren.  _

_ I’m going to kill Ben Solo.  _

She can’t decipher which truths she likes and which ones she doesn’t. Since when was the fate of everything important supposed to be on the shoulders of one person? On Jakku, she was fighting for herself, not for anyone else. Sometimes… Rey longs to return to that feeling, to chase the dream of living one’s life for themselves. 

But at the same time, there was no love in that life. And Rey desires the belonging that the Resistance can offer her so deeply. Finn, Rose, Poe… she  _ loves  _ them. They’re her people. They’d never abandon her. And yet part of her wants to run; the sick, selfish part of her that doesn’t deserve to be a Jedi at all. The Resistance hubris  _ scares  _ her a little bit now that she’s given their ideals to Kylo Ren.  _ Things always find a way of working out for good people.  _

Really? She’d seen very good people meet terrible ends on Jakku. Leia’s sentiment was nice, and it was hopeful, but was it  _ real?  _ Rey is playing a waiting game, hoping that in her inaction all of the pieces will fall into place for her to defeat Kylo Ren. She’s working hard to please the people that she loves but at the same time it’s so very dangerous to do so. Hope may not be enough to save the galaxy in her case. 

She rolls on her side and pulls the blanket up to her chin. With the rising sun, she would be able to wash the inner conflict away. 

  
  



	9. Truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you live in the US, please make sure to vote in the upcoming election!

Lena turns out to be the best sparring partner Rey has found so far. She’s highly trained in defensive combat, which is completely unlike Kylo Ren’s style, but still provides Rey with a unique sort of challenge. 

They fight hand in hand, seeing as Lena has no experience using a staff whatsoever, and Rey does not have a spare to lend her anyway.

She decides pretty quickly on to like Lena. After Rey’s morning meditations, she sometimes stops by the barrack where Lena sleeps and waits for her to appear so they can head to the training room. It is different to not have this time alone, but Rey finds that she does not mind it. In large group settings, Lena is chatty and snappy. But when it’s just the two of them, she’s quiet and focused. Rey finds herself often wondering what is going on in the woman’s head when Lena looks at her. She, unlike anyone else on base, has some insight into Kylo Ren’s interest in her going beyond the murder of Snoke.

“You should think about being a spy someday,” Lena says. “You’re very observant like me. I’ve noticed how you watch people and gather information.”

Rey shrugs. “I grew up on Jakku. People there aren’t exactly conversationalists. It was always safer to just watch than to interact.”

“Some habits never die.”

“Indeed.”

Lena sits down on the training mat and leans her back against the stone wall. 

“He really didn’t want me to watch you.”

Rey looks up. “What?”

“Ren. He really didn’t want me to observe you at all. At the time I thought it was because you might be dangerous. But you’re not—well, you’re a hell of a fighter. So dangerous, I guess. But you’re not the kind of dangerous that is unhinged and requires one to keep their distance. I don’t know. It’s just weird to think of who I thought you were versus who you actually are.”

“That’s strange,” Rey says carefully. “That he’d tell you to stay away, I mean. Why not just have you kill me?”

Of course  _ she  _ knows, but Lena is not privy to Rey’s secret conversations with Kylo Ren. 

“I don’t know,” Lena says. “Sometimes I can’t help but feel like…”

“Like what?”

“Nothing. It’s stupid.”

Rey’s heartbeat quickens. “Lena, you need to be honest with me. That’s kind of part of the deal of you turning on the Order, you know.”

“I know. I just feel like… maybe there’s more to that story that I don’t know.”

“What story?”  
“You and him. The great battles of the mysterious girl and Kylo Ren. Something about what I thought I knew and who you are seems… off.”

Rey stills. 

“Kylo Ren plays games,” she says. “There’s no doubt that he’d twist the truth for his own narrative. Just look at what he made you think about me. He’d turn the whole galaxy against me if he could,” Rey says. “That’s his way. He manipulates things and people.”

“I thought you’d only met him twice?”

When it’s put like that, Rey feels strange. Is it possible that her and Kylo had only stood in front of each other twice in the flesh. Frustrating and complicated as their relationship may be, it just felt like  _ more.  _ Of course, the bond can be attributed to that.

“Right. But sometimes I feel like I know him, you know? Clearly my double defeat of him shook him more than he’d like you to know. I  _ get  _ why he’s hunting me, even if I don’t want it. My life is all about ending his, and he seems to have made his all about ending mine. We’re connected even when we’re not. It’s… strange.”

Rey falls silent, and Lena adjusts her position to place a hand on Rey’s shoulder. 

“I wasn’t trying to accuse you of anything. Honest. It’s just hard for me to trust anything I think I know now, seeing as so much of what the Order taught me to believe is lies. I’m curious about you and him, but don’t feel like you owe me anything.”  
“It’s alright to have questions. This is all very new for you.”

“Thank you. I’m just trying to puzzle out my own real truth.”

Rey swallows. “And what have you figured out to be true so far?

Her new friend takes a deep breath, then looks fiercely into Rey’s eyes.

“I’ve decided one thing has to be true. Kylo Ren—he’s just a person. I swear it. We have to stop letting him be more than he deserves in our heads.”

Rey nods. “Right. You’re right.”

She looks at her friend. “No matter what we might think, Kylo Ren bleeds the same as us. And he will be defeated.”

\---

Rey lays awake in bed that night with her thoughts spinning. 

Her conversation with Lena carried her through the day with many questions. People  _ have  _ to be curious about the nature of her connection with Kylo Ren, right? For so long, Rey had no place in this story. She was living an entirely different life that never would have intersected with any of this if not for a few small choices with big impacts. And now she, a girl who has only been known to the galaxy for about a year, is supposedly Kylo Ren’s archenemy. Lena is right to speculate the nature of her and Kylo’s relationship. It is  _ strange  _ to send spies to your enemy and order them to stay away from the top threat. What’s even stranger is to find yourself appearing in your enemy's bedroom and sharing conversations about books and the weapons you’ll use to kill each other.

Rey wishes she could give Lena a clear explanation. Perhaps she slipped a little bit in saying that she  _ knows  _ Kylo Ren, but for once in her life she just wanted to be honest with another person. Besides, what could possibly come of such a small anecdote, anyway? Nobody will care how close she was to Kylo Ren as long as she ends up killing him. That is all that matters. 

She is going to kill him. 

“Rey.”

Her breath hitches. She was entirely too lost in thought to notice the opening of the bond. Rey rolls over to see Kylo standing dressed in a long sleeve black shirt and pants in the middle of her room. He looks at her strangely and she sits up in bed, weirdly self conscious of the large baggy t-shirt she’s chosen to sleep in tonight. 

“It’s been a while,” she replies. 

“Yes it has.”

She watches his throat bob as he swallows. Rey swallows too, though rather nervously.  _ He’s just a person,  _ Rey reminds herself.

He doesn’t move right into asking about her lightsaber, which Rey is relieved for. She’s not in the mood to explain to him again why she’s staying put. 

“It’s the middle of the night where I am, I’m surprised to see you.”  
“Same here.”

“Why aren’t you asleep?” 

“Why aren’t you?”

_ Because everything is twisting and changing and I can’t see the ending of it. Because I’m keeping so many secrets and I don’t know how long they will last. Because there is something I need to do, and I am not sure when the time comes if I will be able to do it.  _

“Mind’s just busy.”

He nods, casting his eyes away. Rey is not quite sure what to do next. She won’t go back on their deal. He can’t read the Jedi text until she’s gotten to the next step of her lightsaber creation. And there’s hardly anywhere else she could  _ go.  _ It is, honestly, the middle of the night. 

In a moment of instinct or otherwise, she swings her feet over the edge of the bed to sit sideways and pats the spot next to her. Kylo looks up and his expression is unreadable. 

“What… I don’t understand,” he says.   
“If we’re sitting next to eachother then we won’t have to awkwardly stare at each other.”

“Right.”

It takes him several moments to move over and settle next to her on the bed. Kylo leaves a considerable distance of a foot between them and falls silent again. Rey lets herself fall back so she’s laying sideways on the bed with her feet dangling over the edge. 

Kylo Ren watches as Rey closes her eyes. He isn’t going to hurt her now, she trusts this. The bond isn’t a place for such interactions to exist. They're just meant to wait this out until they can return to their own worlds alone. 

“Tell me something,” Kylo says from beside her. 

“Hmm?”

“I just mean… tell me anything. One thing that’s on your mind.”

Rey opens her eyes. “Why would I do that?”

He shrugs. “My head is feeling incredibly empty which is keeping me awake. Yours is full. Perhaps a trade will benefit us both.”

Rey is surprised as Kylo leans back to lay beside her too. It surely can’t be comfortable for him, seeing as the entire lower half of his body is probably hanging off of her narrow bed frame. Kylo closes his eyes, awaiting her response. 

At first, Rey is indignant. She’s got nothing to say to  _ him.  _ Especially when he is the subject of so many of the conflicts that cloud her mind. But after a moment of hearing his silent and slow breathing, her resolve begins to wane. Underneath it is a small kernel of interest. She’s been lying for so long now, and this is a chance to be honest. 

And so Rey closes her eyes again and takes a deep breath.

“I’m thinking about how this all started.”

“Oh?”  
“It’s just, I was nobody for so long. I had Jakku and I had myself and I had the hope my parents would return. I wasn’t longing for… any of this. Not in a conscious sense, anway. But then I was brought to the Resistance, and I discovered all I wanted was to belong. And I’ve worked _so hard_ to belong here, to be worthy of a space in a place like this. But… I fail them constantly. Some of it they know, some of it they don’t.”

The words—painfully honest—spill out of her. They are a truth she hates facing.

“They know of the bond?”

“No, of course not. I don’t even know what would happen but my friends would be so  _ furious.  _ They’re already all on edge with me for not being a good enough Jedi. That would just… send them over the edge.”

Rey hears a slight shifting of movement and opens her eyes to see that Kylo Ren has turned his laying head towards hers. 

“Then perhaps you are no Jedi.”

“I  _ am _ a Jedi! I have to be. The Resistance needs—”

“A savior? A girl willing to sacrifice herself to feel accepted? Know you do not have to die to belong, Rey. There are other places your soul would be welcome without such expectations.”

She sits up abruptly. “I am not going to die.”

Kylo follows. “If you lead your Resistance as is into a battle with the First Order, they will all be defeated. And so will you, when we meet. Will the sacrifice be worth it if the friends you’re lauding after are dead?”

“ I never should have told you what I was thinking.”

“You shouldn’t be lying awake at night dwelling on your past and what people expect of you!  _ You’re one of the most powerful people in the galaxy.  _ The fact that some pilots and mechanics have this much of a hold on you is ridiculous.”

Rey turns away from Kylo and takes a shaky breath. 

“You have to free yourself, Rey. You will never be truly happy there.”  
His sentiments settle sick and heavy in her head. 

“I can’t go,” she whispers. “I’ve got nowhere to go. They need me here. I’ve got a mission and—”

The bond shuts and Rey is alone. She gasps, then pulls her legs up to her chest.  _ He’s wrong, he’s lying. You’re fine.  _ Her own affirmations don’t quite feel like truth. 


	10. Debt

Rey is eating lunch with Lena the next day when Rose taps her on the shoulder.

“We need you in Command.”

“Command?” Rey swallows down the remainder of her food. “What’s going on?”

Rose pulls her up and quickly apologizes to Lena for the disturbance. Rey is hauled into the hallway with no questions answered. It is not until they’ve rounded the corner that Rose turns back to her. 

“I’m not supposed to explain. But Leia wants you.”

“I’m not even Resistance,” she says, and Rey blushes after admitting this. “I don’t think I’m even allowed to be there.”

Rose huffs. “Rey, you’re the one that’s going to kill Kylo Ren. I’m pretty sure you’re a big part of the action.”

The leaders of the Resistance are stuffed around a long table when they enter. Leia sits at the head with Poe to her left and Kaydel to her right. Beside Poe is Finn, and next to him is Doctor Kalonia. 

Kalonia immediately gets up upon Rey’s entrance and bustles over to ask questions about lingering concussion symptoms. Truth be told, headaches have been the  _ least  _ of Rey’s problems recently.

The far end of the table is filled with three older Resistance members. Most of their old commanders died on or just before Crait, Rey learned, so the majority of leaders are a fresh crop. Rey slides into the seat next to Kaydel and Rose sits next to her. Leia smiles at their entrance, though it is laced with a resolved sort of grimness. 

“Thank you everyone for being here,” she begins. “As most of you know, today marks one year since settling on this base, and a little over a year and a month since Crait. Now we’ve been very fortunate to build up a strong amount of recruits in this time, and it was agreed this time last year that we would wait a year to rebuild before considering another attack.”

This is all news to Rey, who has never been invited to Command before. Nobody else at the table seems surprised at all. 

“Finn has been hard at work training new recruits, especially First Order defects. His work has been indispensable to our cause.”

Rey smiles at Finn, who nods seriously at the compliment. 

“And Rose has been working tirelessly to get our technology to where it needs to be. But what most of you do not know, is that she has also been working lately on a mission with Rey.”

Rey can feel all eyes fall on her. She looks at the General in surprise. Their mission was supposed to be  _ secret,  _ right?

“They have found a way to communicate with Kylo Ren via single-line Comm. This provides evidence for what we have known—Kylo Ren still survives as Supreme Leader, and he is biding his time.”

_ Why would he not be Supreme Leader? _ Rey wants to ask. Everyone knows she killed Snoke and not Kylo. 

“Wait—Rey’s been talking to Kylo Ren?” says Poe. 

It is Rose who answers. “We’ve been planning transmissions with him. He thinks she’s one of his spies from the Order. But our attempts at gleaning information have been… unsuccessful.”

Poe looks infuriated. “Why was I not informed of this? Ren could have bugged their tech. This is  _ not _ —”

“Quiet, you.” Leia casts him a sharp glance. Poe shuts his mouth. 

“I was hopeful the Comm would give us something, but we can only hold off our choice for so long. This is why Rey is here. We’ve considered the possibilities for weeks. Other options have been exhausted. Now, on the eve of the vote, we must consult our Jedi. Do we prepare to attack?”

“Yes,” Poe says immediately. A few nod with him, including Kaydel and Finn. “We cannot afford to wait any longer. Ren needs to be weakened as soon as possible.”

An uproar burts at the table. Most agree with Poe. A few, like Rose and Kalonia, say it is smarter to wait a bit longer. Leia lets this debate hash on for a moment before raising her hand. The table falls silent. 

“I believe I called Rey here to speak on this matter to all of you. She is, in fact, our Jedi.”

Everybody nods, and all eyes turn to Rey. 

She wants to fight.  _ Kriff,  _ she wants to fight. If Rey is certain of anything, it is the notion that the First Order needs to fall. But she looks around at the faces of her friends and realizes she’s  _ scared _ . The Order is powerful and would crush them at these numbers if Kylo’s indications are correct. She can’t risk losing her friends. 

“I think, and I’m sorry to say this because I know it’s not the answer most of you want, that it’s going to be best if we work on strengthening our numbers before launching an attack.”

Nobody says a word. Rose leans back in her seat. Leia nods. 

“Thank you, Rey. I will—”

“Are you  _ serious _ ?” Poe shoots Rey a sharp look. “Rey, how could you say that? We need to fight him!  _ You  _ need to fight him!”

“I never said we should surrender. I just think we need time—”

“Time to what? To let the Order grow? We’ve given them enough time.”

“Poe…” Rose says gently. 

“No, Rose. She’s our  _ Jedi _ . We need her on the front lines taking on Ren yesterday!” 

“Rey is looking out for our best interest. If she says it isn’t time, then _it isn’t time yet._ Maybe we need to strengthen our numbers. She doesn’t even have her lightsaber…”  
A murmur passes through the room. Rey’s loss of the lightsaber isn’t exactly public knowledge. Most people just think she doesn’t train with it for safety reasons. But the moment Rose reveals this truth, Rey feels the energy in the room switch to anxiety. It’s almost as if she can skim their thoughts: _how will the girl win without a weapon?_

“She has the Force. She’ll be fine.”  
But everyone can hear the anxiety in Poe’s voice. _Will_ Rey be fine without a lightsaber. More importantly: will the Resistance be fine?

“That’s enough.” Leia interjects sternly. “Rey’s acquisition of a new weapon requires solo travel, and we can’t risk our Jedi like that right now.”

_ But you’d risk me,  _ Rey thinks.  _ You might not risk your Jedi, but you’d risk Rey,.  _

“Can she really defeat Kylo Ren in this condition?” Kalonia asks. “She’s recently concussed, and without the proper weapon...”

“Why are we letting doubt get to Rey?” Poe asks. “She killed  _ Snoke _ ! Kylo Ren is nothing compared to that.”

“But she had a lightsaber,” Kalonia argues. “MAybe if she could get a new one, then—”

“She can’t.” Leia says bluntly. “Rey is going to have to fight this battle without one. It is only fair that you all know that before casting a vote.”

It’s either she fights on their terms —unprepared—or she sticks around here and has everyone resent her. Poe has made it clear as day. They  _ have  _ all been waiting for her to take action. And what has she done? Nothing in their eyes. She couldn’t even get information from a kriffing Comm. 

“We will reevaluate this situation tomorrow,” Leia says. “Take into counsel the words of your Jedi. Tomorrow, we will decide.”

And with that, the table breaks apart. Rey feels her body stand up and begin to walk towards the door. A firm hand rests on her shoulder and she turns around to see Finn holding onto her. He walks silently beside her down the corridors until they reach Rey’s room. Poe and Rose do not follow. Rey swears she heard them having a colorful exchange in Command as they left. 

“Want me to come in?” Finn asks. Rey nods weakly. 

Finn enters her room and they sit side by side on the bed. 

“I’m sorry,” Finn says. “I sided with Poe at first… I shouldn’t have. We aren’t ready to fight. I know that.”

Rey doesn’t respond. She just stares blankly at the wall ahead. 

“Poe… he didn’t mean that stuff, Rey. Nobody is expecting that you should’ve already killed Kylo Ren. People want to fight this fight when we have a chance of winning. Even Poe knows we need to bide our time sometimes.”

Finn wraps an arm firmly around his friend and Rey leans her head on his shoulder. 

“I can’t kill him like this. He’ll defeat me.”

“No he won’t. You’re so strong, Rey.”

_ I’m tired of being strong.  _

“And if you need more time, the council will see that. We would never move without you.”

“Because everybody expects me to lead the fight.”

“Won't you?”  
It is a long time before Rey responds. 

“I have to.”

_ I have to kill Kylo Ren I have to be the Jedi I have to matter less than this fight.  _

The pair sits in silence for a while, just breathing in the energy of each other’s presence. Rey knows in her heart that Finn considers her a friend. And yet she cannot help but feel like she’s letting him down. He wants her to live up to the legend that’s been created around her. The problem is, Rey doesn’t quite know who she is anymore. 

“Come to dinner, alright? Rose will kick Poe’s ass for you. And Lena will be there. I know you like her.” 

Rey pulls up from Finn’s shoulder and nods. “Dinner, right.”

Finn gives her a firm hug before departing. Rey can't help but feel an ache in her chest as he leaves. Somehow, it feels like things will never be simple for them. 

\---

After dinner, Rey lays in bed agonizing over the vote tomorrow. Poe was nice enough at dinner, turning back on his friendly and caring demeanor that she had fallen prey to over the past few weeks. But today’s meeting made it incredibly clear—Poe Dameron sees her more as an asset than a friend. She will never be able to forget this feeling,

“You always look so stressed.”

Rey sits up abruptly to see Kylo sitting at the foot of her bed. 

“Jedi business,” she responds sharply. Kylo rolls his eyes. 

“So offended over little titles.”

“And who did I learn that from?”

At that, Kylo is silent. 

“Trouble sleeping again?” Rey asks. She can’t see where Kylo is, but he looks dressed for sleep. Kylo nods. 

“It’s never come… easy to me.”

Surprised by his candor, Rey sits up straighter. “Why?”

“Lots of reasons.”

“Is killing me one of them?”

“Yes.” He stares at her, his dark eyes shining with something that  _ isn’t  _ hate or contempt or rage. 

“Rey, I…” Kylo looks down. “Can I just ask you one thing?”

Rey’s heartbeat quickens in her chest. “Sure,” she says, although she is entirely  _ unsure  _ if this is a good idea at all. 

“Why didn’t you kill me in the throne room? After Snoke—you left. I was passed out. You could’ve done it.”

Rey swallows. “It was risky.”

“I was passed out.”

“I needed to get out of there. My friends… they needed me.”

Kylo leans forward, his eyes  _ begging  _ for her to say… something else. 

“But I was  _ unconscious.  _ You had victory right in front of you! Isn't’ that all that matters to them, that you kill me? Why not take the chance?”

His hand is pressed on the mattress right next to her leg. Rey crosses her arms against her chest and sighs. 

Of course, she remembers that moment. She’d awoken to find Kylo Ren passed out a few feet away. They had just fought together. He had offered her to join him. Rey hadn’t killed him because she hadn’t thought to. She’d taken one look at Kylo on the floor and  _ ran _ . 

“I wasn’t ready,” she says honestly. “I wasn’t ready to do what needed to be done.”

Kylo shakes his head. “It doesn’t make  _ sense _ ! You helped me kill all of those guards? Why not eradicate more of the Dark side?”

“How could I kill you after you just _ saved  _ me,” she snaps. “People don’t save me. I save myself. But you just went and—”

“It was a life debt,” Kylo blinks away his confusion. “You thought by sparing me, things were even again.”

“No, that’s ridiculous,” Rey says sharply. She just didn’t know what to  _ do.  _ He was already knocked out. Why did she need to do more than that? She just wanted to get back to Chewie and the Falcon and eventually her friends. 

“Is the debt paid? Will you do it next time?”

“ _ There is no debt. _ ”

Kylo smirks. “Right. And yet you’re hung up on the fact that I saved you.”

“It was wrong that you saved me.”

His face grows quickly serious. “Saving you was many things, Rey. It was complicated. It was difficult. But it was never wrong. You weren’t meant to die that way.”

She looks away from him. “I’m tired of talking about our deaths. Can’t you focus on anything else?”  
“I’m just trying to figure out how this will all end,” he says. 

But Kylo Ren can’t predict the future. Neither can Rey. Some nights on Jakku she used to look up at the stars and imagine a ship appearing between them, rushing towards her AT-AT incredibly fast. She’d imagine the ship being just a speck between the stars, growing closer and closer until it was there for her. And off of it would step her parents—healthy and alive and loving. She wanted this future more than anything else. And she looked to the stars believing it would happen. 

None of that mattered in the end. Life had taken incredible twists that she never could have predicted. Rey looks up at Kylo. 

“We won’t know until we’re there.”  
“Right.”

Rey watches as Kylo Ren disappears back into his own physical world. She lays back and pulls her blanket up to her chin. The memory of the throne room—of impossibly possible circumstances—haunts her until she falls asleep. 

  
  



	11. Votes

Nothing makes sense. Everything does. 

Rey sits on the edge of her bed the next morning. No training, no meditation. All she could think about this morning is the vote in Command, She almost wishes they hadn’t told her about their meetings. It would be less painful to lead the Resistance into battle because she was told to and just went along with it. Having a say and being defied—being _forced_ to do something she argued against—would be a different feeling entirely. 

She’s tired of being optimistic. Everyone is telling her _she will find a way_ without a lightsaber. But she knows—and Kylo knows, too—that there is no other way. There is no way for her to kill him without the proper weapon. And she has to kill him. She _has_ to because everyone expects it and he is a bad person and there is no other way to end all of this but with death by her hands. 

A knock on the door jolts her up. Rose appears on the other side, the weakest of smiles on her face. 

“Want to give the Comm one more shot?”

It’s a useless ploy, they both know it. It is highly unlikely that the vote would be swayed this afternoon by any information Rey can gather this morning. Still, she needs to distract herself from the coming conflict. 

“Sure. Lena, too?”

They find Lena and head to the Falcon. Rose already has the place set up for them to sit and chat with cups of Caf while they make a plan. Rey wonders if Rose slept at all last night, seeing as she is clearly against the Resistance making an early move. 

Rose informs Lena that their project with the Comm is being discontinued and Lena agrees this is perhaps the best course of action. 

“We can only try this so many times. He’s going to get too suspicious when Rey doesn’t report anything,” Lena says.

Rose explicitly leaves out any mention of the vote in Command later today, and Rey does not fill Lena in on this. 

“Just push for an extraction point,” Lena tells Rey. “It’s your best bet at this point. If not, no harm.”

Rey nods, staring down at her Caf. Part of her hoped all of this could end with the Comm. She’d be put in contact with some random First Order official, they’d spill some major secrets, and then she could slip in and kill Kylo Ren in his sleep or something. That… that would’ve been best. Then her friends could just be her friends and Kylo could just be her enemy. Nothing would be complicated anymore. Good would prosper, and Rey would be able to get away from being their Jedi and wander towards the version of herself she’s really supposed to be. 

“I’m ready,” she says, and she means it. This mission is a failure, a hypothetical hope that she and Rose and Leia had clung to out of desperation that it could avoid inevitable actions. Rey just wants to close this chapter and focus on protecting the Resistance from its destruction. 

Rose and Lena watch as Rey slowly makes her way to the cockpit of the Falcon with the Comm in hand. She isn’t anxious anymore, she’s just _tired._ This is it. After today she can be done with these cold conversations with Kylo Ren. She’ll only have to deal with him when he shows up in her bedroom at night. 

“Report,” Kylo’s voice says from the other side. Rey sighs. It’s her last chance. She might as well come up with a ridiculous scenario as a final grab. 

“I’ve been compromised, sir. They found me out but I wasn’t taken into custody. They abandoned me on a planet and I don’t know—”

“Rey.”

Her heart jumps into her throat. “Wh—what?”

“Rey, I know it’s you.” 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Who is—”

“Do you really think I wouldn’t know?”

She is silent for a moment. _When_ did he find out? Kriff, if she’s been acting this entire time and he’s been toying with her she’s going to smack him the next time they bond connects them.

“I think you’re mistaken, sir. My name is not Rey.”

She can picture Kylo rolling his eyes. “The Resistance wouldn't ever drop a spy on a nowhere planet, though I do appreciate your creativity… _Rey_.”

Several seconds of silence pass.

“How?” she asks finally. “And… when?”

“I’ll explain later. When I can see you.” 

Her chest tightens at the thought that she _will_ see him. 

“And I’m thinking if you’re resorting to desertion, that means you’re giving this charade up?”

She sighs. “You’re annoyingly uninformative.”

Rey stares at the Comm and waits for a reply. Kylo takes several beats to speak. 

“You haven’t….really left, have you?”

“No.”

“Alright.”

“Why?”

“I need to know these things.”

She closes her eyes for a moment, then responds. 

“Your spy left you.”

“I know. It’s weird to hear her voice but your words. She will be dealt with.”

“You’ll never find her.”

“If she’s with the Resistance, yes I will.”

The Comm call suddenly feels very, very dangerous. 

“This conversation is over,” Rey snaps, then shuts the Comm off. She bursts back into the main hold where Lena and Rose are waiting. They both look up at her expectantly. 

“He wouldn’t tell me,” she says. Rose and Lena watch her closely, but Rey says nothing more of the conversation. She drops the Comm on the table and heads right off the Falcon, feeling the need to immediately be anywhere else. 

He _knew_. Kriff, of course he knew. Because her anxiety was so piercing in each call, Kylo could probably connect the dots. Rey will have to ask him about the specifics to make sure he is not edging her out in understanding the bond. 

She heads back to her room, but as soon as she crosses the threshold it feels wrong. Rey immediately turns back around and heads back to the hangar to offer her hands to help the mechanics. Fixing droids will improve the situation, right? She has no desire to be idle whilst waiting for the afternoon to roll around. Besides, her exit from the Falcon was _extremely_ shortsighted. Rose and Lena probably don;t know what to think of her now. It’s probably best that she is seen working in a public area. 

If they found out Kylo discovered their plot, how would she explain it? All of the tech worked perfectly. _She_ was the problem, their bond being a hidden defect on a strong plan. Rey isn’t ready to give up the trust of her peers because of a bond that she can’t control. She’s going to keep this to herself for as long as she can, especially with the vote later today. How will they trust her call to hold back when she’s speaking to Kylo Ren? Truthfully, she still knows she has to kill him. But his words about the First Order’s power have gotten to her. Maybe that isn’t such a bad thing for the protection of the Resistance.

Whenever the truth comes out, though, Rey knows her relationship with the Resistance will never be the same. 

\---

The silence hangs heavy in Command that afternoon as everyone takes their seats. There are nine of them in total: Leia, Kalonia, Finn, Rose, Kaydel, and two men and a woman Rey is not familiar with, and Poe. Rey knows she does not get to vote in this matter, for she is not Resistance, but nobody questions her presence 

Rey slides down into her seat between Rose and Kaydel. Many glances are cast her way, but she keeps her face passive. She’s given her two sense. It is up to the actual leaders of the Resistance now to decide what they want to do with their organization. And she will be forced to go along with their result. 

Leia gives Rey a wary smile from her seat. Rey’s heart sinks as she tries to smile back,

The meeting begins, and Leia explains the vote and outlines the two sides of the argument same as yesterday, adding in Rey’s sensibilities towards abstaining for a month. Rose reports the mission with the Comm has been officially discontinued and that she believes any more attempts would begin to draw suspicion from Kylo Ren. She does not say a word about Rey’s abrupt exit from the Falcon this morning, and for that Rey is grateful. She's not in the headspace to provide any explanations, especially with the vote that lies ahead of them. 

Finn reports on their recruit numbers, which bring them up to just shy of one hundred now. Poe reports on larger scouting missions of the organization, and then Kaydel talks about the ships they’ve repaired. Eventually, there are no other outlets of discussion left. Leia has to ask the big question. 

She stands at the head of the table and squares her shoulders. 

“All in favor of abstaining an attack for at least another month?”  
Rose raises her hand immediately, followed by Kalonia and one of the men with a white beard. Finn soon follows. Poe shoots Finn a sharp look, but says nothing. Rey watches ancily as seconds tick by and nobody else raises their hand. Leia lets the silence sit for a moment before moving on.

“All in favor of preparing for immediate attack?”

Poe, Kaydel, and the two others raise their hands. Four and four means a tie, and all eyes fall to Leia. 

Rey’s heartbeat picks up in her chest. Leia is going to make her lead the Resistance into battle. She’s been fighting this fight against her own son for years, surely she won’t delay it at the words of a young girl with the Force. Privately Rey worries that in encouraging pushback she lost something between herself and the other people in this room that she will never get back. Will any of them ever look at her the same now that she’s told them not to fight?

“I suppose it is up to me,” Leia says calmly. Everyone holds their breath as she looks around the table at each of their faces. Rey feels sick watching the scene play out. The Resistance is growing, but _they are not strong enough._ Also, _she_ is not strong enough. Rey needs time. They all do. She just hopes the General recognizes this. 

“I have always been a proponent of fighting our battles,” Leia says. “Taking on the Order restores hope. It shows we are not afraid, that we are not giving up. All the same... there is no victory in this war if we are all ashes. Crait was a narrow escape, and we have begun to grow again. I do not want to lose anyone at this table because we go into battle at anything less than full strength.”

Leia takes one more look at each of their faces, pausing to let her eyes meet Rey’s.

“Many of you are young. We will fight this war at a time we will win it. If we can bide our time and strength in hiding, that is what we are going to do. The Resistance will delay our assault by a month.”

Rey leans back in her chair and breathes in deeply. She’s got another month to figure… something out. And for the Resistance to strengthen itself in a manner that they can really take on the Order. 

But her relief is short-term. Many shouts break out at the table at once. Rose and Kalonia ardently defend Leia’s ruling, whilst Kaydel and Poe challenge it. 

“I’m not sitting back a whole month. This is ridiculous!” Poe shouts. Kaydel supports him. 

“We’ve got the ships. It’s not like after Credit anymore. Leia, we need to _fight_.”

Rose is putting up with none of it. She immediately rips into Poe and Kaydel for possibly questioning Leia’s advice, and reasons that if Rey says they are not ready, then they are not ready. 

“You kids don’t know how young you are,” Kalonia says. “Leia and I have seen loss in the galaxy like you wouldn’t believe, more than even Crait. We don't want it to come to that.”

Finn, for his part, is totally silent. He looks sympathetically at Rey across the table. Rey tries her best to hold herself together, though with every passing minute she can feel something deep inside her fracturing in half. Pretty soon she is going to split right down the middle. 

Leia lets the conflict go on, and part of Rey thinks she doesn’t mind it. The woman values democracy, which means she’s not going to push differing opinions aside. She lets Poe and Rose shout until they’re tired and the meeting is adjourned with the majority rule still standing. Poe grabs Rey in the hall on the way out. 

“Hey, no hard feelings, right? You know I still respect you. I just think we need to fight.”

Even though she doesn’t feel it, Rey nods. “Right. No hard feelings.”

Poe squeezes her arm and strides down the hall ahead of her. Rose and Finn exit Command a minute later and offer to take Rey back to her room. 

“Just give Poe time,” Rose says. “It’s hard for him to see that by holding off, we’re fighting. Strengthening the Resistance is the most important thing right now.”

“Until I kill Kylo Ren,” Rey adds absently.

Rose nods. “Right. Until you can kill Kylo Ren.”

Finn and Rose offer to stay behind with her, clearly concerned, but Rey is insitnet they go about their afternoons. She feels exhausted, like this day has already lasted the length of two. She crawls under the sheets and immediately drifts off. Her body pushes all of the stress down to that fractured part of herself and holds it there. She doesn’t snap. She sleeps. 

\---

It is the middle of the night when Rey wakes up. At first she’s not sure what’s pulled her from sleep, but a second later her bedroom turns into dark walls and a black bed and she realizes the bond pulled her. Rey scrambles to stand, uncomfortable with the fact that the bond could betray her like this and make her effectively wake up _in Kylo Ren’s bed._

He is sitting with his back against the headboard, a black book pressed in his left hand. Kylo looks up from the pages at Rey’s appearance. 

She’s still blinking sleep from her eyes—this whole thing is so _jarring_ —but Rey is immediately irritated. 

“How long did you know?” She snaps. 

Kylo shrugs. Perhaps Rey should be focused on the afternoons events, but all she can think upon seeing is face is about hearing his voice on the Comm. 

“Not at first. It wasn’t until after you ended the Comm the first time that I really processed what I’d felt through the bond.”

“You knew I was scared,” she guesses. “You felt my emotions.” Rey suspects this is the way he discovered the truth. Kylo nods. 

“I don’t normally feel your fear, you know. Not when we’re so far away. But when it came and went at the _exact_ time of our conversation, well… it’s not that hard to put together who I had just talked to.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugs, placing the book on the table beside his bed.

“I wanted to see how far you’d take it.”

Rey takes a deep breath, closing her eyes. 

“For the record, I wasn’t scared of _you_. I’m not scared of you. I just didn’t want to mess another thing up for the Resistance.”

“Did you tell the others what I said?” Kylo asks. “I was stupid to reveal in that first call my orders to not engage with you. What did your friends think about that?”

“I didn’t tell them,” she says curtly. 

Rey sits back on his bed with her back facing him. She didn’t know what to make of Kylo’s confession the first time she heard it, and now that he’s truly affirming his actions to _her_ she is even more confused. 

Rey hears the shifting of movement as Kylo crosses the bed to sit beside her, a few feet of distance between them. 

“I would’ve known eventually,” he says rather quietly. “You can’t hide yourself from me, and I can’t from you. Something will always pull us together.”

She wants to laugh. How can he _say_ things like that when all the Force seems to do is tear them apart? It pulls him to the dark and her to the light. It sends her to the Resistance and hmi to the First Order. It makes him a descendant of the Skywalkers and her a nobody dumped on Jakku. 

And most importantly, it made her a Jedi and him the Jedi-killer.

No, the Force created this bond but also tore them in opposite directions their entire lives.

“We could not be further apart,” she says. “My whole life has been so much different than yours. And I’m supposed to _kill_ you. How could you say we’re pulled together?”

He shrugs. “I didn’t say it was _good_. I just mean we’re always discovering these connections in our fates. They’re not repeatedly pleasant, no. But they’re there all the same.”

This, she can accept a little bit. Although Rey doesn’t particularly want her fate to be tied to anyone else. She just wants to live her life for herself and not for other people. Which is… perhaps not what she’s currently doing, but _someday_ she’d like to do that. Even on Jakku she was living for the hope of her parents returning. It was never for _her_. 

Kylo watches her closely. Rey can feel the heat of his gaze burning into the side of her face. She turns to him. 

“Do you really believe we all have a fate?”  
“I do.”

“And I suppose you’ve fulfilled yours becoming Supreme Leader?”

“No, I don’t.”

Rey blinks. “Oh.”

 _It’s me,_ she thinks. _He believes his fate isn’t complete until he kills me._

“Our fates meet, Rey. Surely you see that.”

“My fate is my own.”

“Yes, but it’s also _ours._ The bond—”

Rey gets up quickly and looks down at him. “I am not some final marker on your road to greatness, Kylo. This bond doesn’t mean—”

“This bond means something strange and yet discovered, Rey. I thought you valued that.”

He stands up, and she begrudgingly has to tilt her own face up to meet his stare. 

“It doesn’t matter what I value. Nothing will change how this has to end.”

“Nothing?” He raises an eyebrow. Rey feels her heartbeat pick up in her chest. Yes of course, nothing. Why would the answer be anything else? 

“I just…” she squeezes her eyes shut. “I just want this to be over so I don't have to be this person anymore.”

Kylo doesn’t say anything. Rey opens her eyes to see he’s watching her very closely. 

“They won’t need a Jedi anymore once I kill you. And don’t you _dare_ say you were right about anything because I’m not saying I don’t want to be a Jedi. I just don’t want to be _their_ Jedi. I was their friend, their hope. And now I’m not living up to that expectation and it’s breaking me in a way I can't—”

Rey shuts her mouth quickly in disbelief. She can't believe she just said all that in front of _him_ of all people. Weakness isn’t something you can confide in another person, let alone an enemy. And yet it felt natural to look at him and just speak. It felt honest. 

“Where would you go?” Kylo asks. “If you weren’t their Jedi, where would you go?”

She should say she would stay. She should say being with her friends would be enough because that would help her be who she is meant to be. 

“Somewhere green,” she says. 

Kylo’s lips part. Rey feels her breath hitch in her chest. An image of a planet so green bursts into their minds—Takodana. She thinks of seeing him for the first time. He thinks of the weight of her in his arms as he carries her onto the ship. They are locked in the memory and Rey finds herself _longing_ to stay in a place so green, to live in a world where the land is not so harsh. She would fly to a place like it right now if the entire galaxy wasn’t hunting her. 

Kylo gives her the slightest of nods. “Perhaps someday,” he says.

It comes out so genuine and in the antithesis of aggression. If there is a lifetime that exists where she can settle peacefully somewhere green, Rey cannot see it. She must not be living that life. 

Kylo takes a step back from her, as if breaking out of some sort of trance. Rey frowns, about to ask a question, but then the bond ends. 

  
  



	12. Fragility

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! so just a little note. at this point in the story I was like "we're going to Ilum!" without being like woah wait that makes NO sense. honestly I've got so much Star Wars in my brain I can't keep track of when everything happens. anyway, apologies to those of you who are epically into lore (you're the coolest for that, by the way) for my scatterbrain lifestyle. I'm obviously taking LOTS of liberties with lore here, but I did want to change this for a bit of continuity. so now we're going to Lothal (and have been all along)! woo-hoo! thanks for reading this far and I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy.

Nothing feels right the next morning. Rey lays in bed and stares at the ceiling, turning the events of the previous day over and over again in her thoughts. She doesn’t want to train, not today. How could she? Although the results of the vote should come as a relief, Rey can’t help but feel like they’ve done more harm than good. Poe is eager to fight. She can understand why. And the only reason she’d been so cautious was because of things _Kylo_ had said to her. Was she wrong to believe him?

Rey considers it this way: if Kylo lied to her, then the only pain lies with her. She’s given the Resistance another month to grow regardless of if they need it or not. She’ll have to take the brunt of frustration from her friends and that will be okay. But if he was honest about his belief the Resistance would be defeated, then she has made the right choice. 

The war is everything to Poe, to Finn, to Leia and Rose and Kaydel and so many others. The war is their lives. Rey supposes she has always been in a battle of her own, too, though now it intersects with theirs. Still, she feels her path is slightly disconnected from the others and it is a feeling she cannot shake. 

It is as if the force has placed her where she wanted to be but has made it difficult for her to stay. Being the Jedi would be _fine_ if she didn’t need to question it too much. Unfortunately, there is another voice in her head that won’t let her ignore the feelings looming beneath the surface 

Her feelings for Kylo have become… twisted. He’s the man she has to kill, and she knows this has to happen, but he’s the only person lately that has been able to make her _think_ about what she’s doing. Everyone else is so busy making her choices and she never realized how passive she’d become in her own life. _Kriff,_ he’s annoying for making her so aware of the brewing dissatisfaction. Maybe that’s what caused her to strike the deal with him about the lightsaber. It felt like a way to finally take something into her own hands for once. 

But even then, isn’t she just playing right into _his_ hand? And who will she be once she’s killed him? Will she return to the Resistance and let people order her around again? Will they _want_ to, after she’s fulfilled her most important task? 

She’s let Kylo intrude too far onto her values. The Resistance saved her and gave her a home when she was worried she would never find one. And her friends, they love her for _her._ She needs to remember that. 

Rey slides out of bed in the early morning light and heads to the door. Leia must be in command this early. She’s _always_ there. Rey needs somebody to talk her out of feeling this way, to be reminded why she believed in the Resistance in the first place. 

She feels bad for not going to train with Lena this morning, but Rey is not in the mood to speak to someone who was connected to Kylo Ren before. Her mind needs as much distance from him as possible. 

When Rey arrives just around the corner from Command, she is stuttered to a halt by the sound of two familiar voices around the corner. Finn and Poe are arguing in tired voices that indicate they’ve been awake for hours. Had they been in Command the whole night? _Why?_

Rey listens in and quickly realizes she is the topic of conversation. 

“You need to calm down, man,” Finn says. “She’s trying her best. Can you imagine living on your own for years, then all of the sudden being one of the most important people in the galaxy with magic powers? It’s a lot to handle.”

Rey leans back against the wall and listens closer to the response. 

“Don't make me out to be the bad guy,” says Poe. 

“I’m not! But she isn’t bad, either.”

“I didn’t say—look, she’s done nothing since Crait and we’re all counting on her to win this for us. I get it’s hard and all, but this is a _war_ and she’s supposed to be leading the charge, not calling it off.”

Finn sighs. “I didn’t want to have to say this, but you have to consider that she’s kind of… fragile right now.”

“ _She killed Snoke!_ I don’t give a shit how sensitive she feels. We’re stopping the attack for a month because our most powerful weapon is _fragile_?”

“Yeah, we are. Did you ever think how traumatizing that must’ve been for her? We have no idea what she had to go through to kill Snoke and walk out alive.”

“You’re being lenient because she’s your friend—”

“ _Our_ friend—”

“Our friend, right. But she’s our _Jedi_ first,” Poe says and Rey feels the sting of his words.

“Look, man, just give her time. Leia says she’ll work on her this month. She’ll—”

“We can’t just sit around and wait for Rey to step up!” Poe shouts. “If she’s not here to kill Kylo Ren, then why is she here?”

Rey backs up quickly. She doesn’t want to hear Finn’s response. 

Something inside her that has been stressed for months begins to fracture. Maybe Finn is right. She’s fragile. 

Finn… does he really think that of her? Do they _all_ ? Poe and Finn talked about her like she was some weak child refusing to do her job. Kriff, she’s been so deluded to think they saw her as anything other than a weapon for their war. She’s been hanging around as a member of the Resistance “family” but she’s not really family, is she? She’s not really _Resistance_ , just a person with the force that was in the right place at the right time.

And the biggest question of all: do they really think she’s not going to kill Kylo Ren?

Rey hasn’t made any moves this year because she doesn’t know what to _do._ Perhaps she thought helping out around base and training was the right choice, but it’s clear that it isn’t. Everyone might be kind to her face, but behind her back they’re all building up deep resentment as she doesn’t fulfill her greater purpose. 

She needs to get away from here. She needs to leave she needs—

She needs her lightsaber. She’s never going to be enough for them without it. 

Rey runs down the halls back to her room and quickly packs her bag. She throws her clothes in and stuffs the Jedi texts on top. Lastly, she grabs her staff from beside the door. She doesn’t need to run, she just needs to _go_ , to get on the Falcon and get her lightsaber because every moment she sits around she loses the respect of the people she cares about. Her feet carry her faster than her mind can go. It’s still the early hours of the morning so the hangar is mostly empty. Rey goes to the Falcon outside, not an abnormal occurrence, and quickly climbs up the ramp. 

She throws her stuff in the main hold and goes to the cockpit, tears streaming down her face. It will take her a day to get to Lothal, but the trip is nothing she can’t handle. She’ll be gone three days, a week maximum. And when she returns Poe won’t think she’s useless and Finn won’t think she’s weak. They’ll have the Jedi hero that they all want. 

Her whole body is shaking as she breaks the atmosphere. As soon as she’s surrounded by stars and darkness, Rey begins to sob. 

How could she have _lied_ to herself for this long? People don’t care about you and want to keep you safe unless you can do something for them. She can barely see through the tears as she navigates the flight path. She’s going to need to jump to hyperspace in a minute. Rey quickly shuts off the Falcon’s Comm system so nobody can reach her until she gets back. What did Kylo say? This journey needs to be one she does alone. 

Her heart feels like it’s breaking from the inside out. She’s done nothing right. She’s a failure. 

“What’s going on?” Kylo is suddenly in the seat beside her. Rey’s heart skips a beat, but then suddenly feels slightly calm in her chest. She blinks and blinks to try to stop crying, but the effort is futile. He is the _last_ person she wants to see right now while she’s feeling like this. 

“No, not now.” She keeps her head forward. She’s got to make the jump to hyperspace soon. There isn’t time to—

“ _Rey_.”

She turns her head to him sharply. “ _What?”_

Kylo studies her with… worry? Maybe the slightest amount. “Are you leaving? Where are you going?”

She sneers. Of _course_ he wants to keep track of her. All anyone ever wants to do is keep tabs on her and use her for their own benefit. She’s a Jedi, she’s a force user, she’s _the girl_. 

“I’m ending this,” she says.

Kylo’s voice comes out uneasily. “Ending it… how?”

He scans the cockpit of the Falcon with his eyes, and Rey can feel the unease in him building. She’s travelling the galaxy in one of the most famous ships known. He’s probably worried someone will shoot the ship down and he won’t get to give her this _rightful death_ he’s so obsessed with. Well, Rey knows there is nothing to worry about. She’s going to Lothal and then right back to the Resistance. Then they’ll send her right to Kylo Ren with her lightsaber like Poe wants and nothing will matter any more. She will end this. 

Kylo reaches out with his arm as if to touch her, but then rests it on the captain's chair behind her head. He leans in. 

“I need you to tell me where you’re going. You’re not yourself.”

Oh, how that feeds into the rage. Why do people think they _know_ her so well? He might have access to her head, _but he is not her._ She’s not going to be told her very real feelings are some sort of hysteria. 

“Don’t you know where I’m going? I said I was going to _end this_ .” She holds back a sob. “You always said I was too blind to what they were doing to me. Maybe I was, but they’re my friends and I need to do what they’re asking me. So I left, even though your mother said not to . That’s what’s happening. I’m weak and I’m terrible and I _left_ because they don’t want me there as I am when I’m just myself. I need to be their Jedi and I’m never going to be what they need like this. It’s just so—”

She breaks off.

“Did they say something to you?”

She sniffs. “They didn’t need to. I heard them. Poe, and _Finn_ …”

He has a murderous look on his face, but Kylo says nothing as Rey continues to explain. 

“They think I’m fragile. Poe questioned why I was even there if I wasn’t going to kill you. What have I been doing sitting around?” 

“You’re not fragile.”

“But I _am,_ ” her voice almost breaks on the words. “It’s the worst part. They’re _right._ Why am I calling myself their Jedi but not acting on it? Everyone wants me to kill you but I’m just too kriffining lost to do it. So I fix their droids and pretend like that makes up for my failure.”

It’s time to jump into hyperspace. Kylo seems to know at the exact same moment, and begins to man the controls beside her. Rey holds her breath as the stars around her seem to stretch, and then they’ve done it. 

Kylo leans back in his seat and takes a deep breath. 

“You’re going to Lothal then.” He says quietly. 

She nods. 

“And then what? You come straight to find me so your friends will be happy? Do you even have a plan?”

“I don’t need a plan.”

It’s a blatant lie, of course. She’s narrowly escaped with her life doing things without a plan. And now that their bond is growing stronger, it makes sneaking up on him all the more complicated. 

“You’ll die that way.”

“Fine.”

 _“Fine?”_ He stares at her. “You’re fine with that?”

Rey sighs and leans back. “No, of course not. But it’s better than what I’m doing now. At least everyone will be happy I tried.”

Kylo blinks at her.

She doesn’t let her tears be a weakness in this moment. They showcase how she truly feels—broken. If he’s going to see her through the bond, he’s going to see the worst parts, too. 

“Rey, you are one of the most powerful people in the galaxy. Why are you letting these people hurt you like this?”

Because they matter to her. Because she’s never had a family before, and there is one right in front of her but she can’t get them to love her. Because, above all, she just wants to fit into this place that keeps feeling more wrong every moment. 

“They need me,” she replies. “And I’m not there for them. So they hurt me, and I let them.”

She looks right up into his eyes. “I’m not the only one who has let other people hurt me.”

A million thoughts race between them. He thinks of Snoke, of Luke, and of the parents he desperately tried to impress. She thinks of Poe, of Leia, and of every Resistance member that matters to her and sees her as a girl who just can’t quite measure up to expectation. 

Rey wonders if it is possible to have someone care for you even when you are not everything they want. Some people, she thinks, are just lost and hurt. But that does not mean that they do not deserve compassion. 

Poe and Finn did not show her compassion today, even if they did not know she was listening in. Finn called her _fragile._ Perhaps it was with good intention, but the word still stung. 

“At least let me copilot,” Kylo says after a long moment. “While I’m here, I mean.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I know this rust bucket. Probably better than you.”

 _Oh._ She has nothing to say to that. 

Kylo is able to touch the controls and help her navigate the ship. The problem is, once they’ve jumped to hyperspace there isn’t much for Kylo to _do_. And he just keeps glancing at her, which Rey hates more and more each time it happens. 

After a while she stops crying, but it isn’t because she isn’t feeling hurt anymore. She’s still determined to get to Lothal and back, and to show her friends that she is worth keeping around. 

“Will I get to read the texts again?” Kylo asks casually, as if she hadn’t just been hysterically sobbing a short while ago and vowing to murder him. 

“Only if you hold up your end of the deal.”

He nods. “Like I said, I can get you the parts you need. You just need the crystal.”

She stares out into the stars. Somewhere out there he is sitting on a ship with thousands of people who follow his orders. They’re on the same timetable, she knows, so that means it is probably early morning for him, too. People might be waiting for him to show up so they can listen to his orders and start their day. Kylo Ren probably has millions of followers both dying and dreading for him to exit his chambers and start his day. 

But instead he’s here with her, and seems to have no hurry to get back. He’s set on copiloting the Falcon as long as the bond holds him. 

They don’t speak again. Not when she restarts crying, not when hours have passed and the only sound around them is the hum of the ship, and not when they catch each other stealing glances at the other. 

Rey wonders when he’ll leave. She thinks she needs to be alone, to do this by herself. 

But when he finally disappears, she finds that a strange slight ease that had settled in her chest quickly disappears. And so Rey stares off into the darkness of space alone, wondering where among the stars Kylo Ren is now. 


	13. Crystal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! If you didn't catch the note on my last chapter, just know I've decided to take us to Lothal instead of Ilum. So if you've been following along, just pretend that has been the plan all along. Also, thank you all for the SUPER kind comments. I'm going to try my best to respond. Thanks for reading! Stay safe and healthy :)

Rey spends hours trekking through the terrain of the Outer-Rim planet Lothal lost in her own thoughts. 

She thinks constantly of Poe and Finn and Rose and Lena, who by now must have noticed her disappearance. She has kept the messages shut off on the Falcon for her own sanity, but no doubt they have put two and two together. A missing ship and missing Rey can only mean one thing. Will they follow her to Lothal? Rey thinks it is unlikely, especially because she never specifically told them where she was going. 

Part of her worries that they might be relieved that she is gone. After all, she is just their failure of a Jedi. But once she gets this Kyber crystal things are going to change back at base. She is going to fulfill her duty and her friends will love her again. 

The force guides her through the mountainous terrain of the planet. Rey knows there is farming and cities around, but she steers clear of them. Kylo Ren’s high price on her head still stands. 

Her feet are carried with determination to satisfy a mission. It is not until under the cover of darkness that Rey reaches the stone spire of the old Jedi temple on Lothal and enters. She descends deep into the space, heading straight for the Kyber caves below. 

Jagged stone and gems drip from the ceiling and cover the walls of the cave. The entire space glows in a shimmering pale blue, illuminated from the glow of the crystals. 

Immediately, Rey knows her crystal is here. The cave is magnificently large, though, so it could take hours and hours of searching to locate it. Unfortunately Rey doesn’t  _ have  _ that time. She’s already been gone two days from the Resistance and her friends are most likely quite upset with her disappearance. 

The best way to approach the situation, Rey knows, is to meditate. She needs to dive deeper into the Force to latch on to that connection with her own crystal that hides somewhere in the cave. Rey drops her pack and situates herself on the floor. The weight of the moment does not go unnoticed to her. Finding this crystal is the way she’ll earn back the respect of her friends, and there is nothing Rey wants more than to be loved by her Resistance family. If she has to step up pand become a more brutal version of herself to earn this, that is what she is going to do. They can never know of her constant doubts and failure that plague her thoughts.  _ This  _ will fix everything. 

It is as if Rey and her crystal are at opposite ends of a long hallway. The path is straightforward, but she cannot move. Obstacles begin to wedge their way in between Rey and her discovery. She begins to fixate on the faces of her friends, particularly Poe and Finn. What will they say if she cannot achieve this? Will Poe even want her to return to base? Rey can’t imagine he’d want her back. She tries over and over again to push these errant thoughts out of the way, but they remain obstacles that refuse to budge on her path. Rey tries to force her way through to get straight to the location of the crystal. 

_ Stop distracting yourself,  _ she thinks.  _ Everyone is counting on you.  _

With every step forward she takes, the crystal seems to fade father and farther away in her mind until it is a mere glimmer in the distance. Rey tries again and again and again to reach the location of her crystal through meditation, but nothing works. Frustrated, she clamours to her feet and begins to walk around the cave. Surely she will pass by her crystal and it will call to her through the Force? But with each passing moment Rey feels more and more closed off from the Force in this particular space. The magnetic energy seems to push her away instead of drawing her in. For what could be minutes or hours Rey stalks around the cave alone, feeling no connection to a particular crystal. 

Suddenly a strange, strangled flame lights the darkness clouding her. Rey turns around to see Kylo watching her. She quickly turns away, not wanting him to see that she hasn’t found her crystal yet. 

Rey closes her eyes, then dives deeper into the force. She should try meditating again, but  _ he’s  _ here and so she  _ can’t.  _

“I wasn’t sure you’d make it,” he says. 

Rey turns around and opens her eyes. The shadows in the cave are cast across Kylo’s face. He steps forward, examining her features with interest. Try as she might to mask her frustration, Rey knows that Kylo senses it, just as she can feel his strongest emotions, too.

“I wish I could’ve stayed to help you copilot. Your ship isn’t exactly reliable.”

His casual words don’t quite seem to fit with the severity of his face. At another time, if they were different people, Rey might’ve laughed at a man like him trying to make small talk with her. It just seems so  _ unnatural  _ for him to make conversation. She’s not quite sure why he’s even attempting it. 

“She gets me from place to place.” 

“Right,” Kylo nods. “And now you’re here. Have you done it?”

Rey takes a shaky breath. She doesn’t want to admit to him that she’s having trouble, that maybe she’s not strong enough to do this on her own. But Kylo is still watching her, and she thinks she has to tell him. How could she hide it from him, anyway? 

“I can’t… I know it’s here. But  _ I can’t find it _ .”

Kylo looks around the cave, then back at Rey. She is shaking and determined. 

“I think you’re right. I can sense it.”

Rey looks at him sharply. “Sense it? I thought you said it was  _ mine _ .”

“It is… but I think the bond blends us together a little bit. I had a … feeling it was on this planet,”

“What? Were you looking for it?”

He nods. “I wasn’t going to find it if you didn’t want me to… but I was going to be able to help you.”

She doesn't know whether to shout at him for looking for  _ her  _ crystal or to thank him. Rey shelves the thought for later. 

“Alright. If you know it’s here, help me find it.”

“I can’t do more than you. Just close your eyes and breathe. Focus.”

“ _ Don’t you think I’ve tried?”  _ she hisses. “It’s all I’ve been doing. But I can’t clear my head and you’re  _ distracting me _ .”

He raises an eyebrow. “Distracting you? How?”

Rey gestures absently. He looks infuriatingly comfortable to keep  _ distracting  _ her and it’s not right. 

“Just… get away.”

“I’m not really here, Rey. I don’t think I can wander off.”

“Well  _ try _ ,” she says sharply. “I’ve got enough distractions and I need to get back to my friends now.”

Kylo shrugs, then backs away to the wall of the cave. 

Her eyelids squeeze shut. Rey tries to empty her mind of everything, but thoughts keep edging back in. There’s Finn and Poe talking about her in the hallway, playing over and over again in her head. 

“Rey.”

She fumes. “ _ What do you want?”  _

Kylo steps closer to her again, his arms crossed. “Why are you here—on Lothal?”

“To get my crystal.”

“But why  _ now _ ? Why not last week? Why not next month? Why are you here today?”

“People are losing faith in me,” she says, casting her eyes down. “They don’t believe I can kill you, or that I’m even supposed to be there if I won’t try. I need to get the crystal and prove to my friends that I’m worth it.”

Kylo says nothing. Rey looks up to see him studying her. 

“That’s your problem,” he says. “You need to be here because of  _ your  _ connection to the Force, Rey. I know you followed my instructions to come alone, but in your head you’re carrying so many others with you.”

“How am I supposed to let them go? I care about what my friends think of me. I don’t want to fail them.”

“If they care about you, it won’t matter if you’re the worst Jedi in the galaxy,” he says plainly. “There are people who care because they see you, and others who care because they want what you can give them. The latter will leave when you need them most.”

His face darkens, and Rey begins to wonder how many people Kylo Ren has had in his life that he feels really care for him. But it doesn’t matter. He made choices that destroyed his most beloved relationships. 

“Be the person  _ you are,  _ Rey. Not what anyone else wants you to be. Then you’ll find your crystal.”

A single tear falls down Rey’s cheek. He makes it sound so  _ simple _ to just let expectations go. But Rey loves her friends, she values them. It is hard to abandon their desires for her. She doesn’t know what to be without them. 

“Why are you doing this?” she asks. It doesn’t make  _ sense  _ to feel Kylo Ren being… kind. He is dark. This is not his nature. 

“The lightsaber, the Falcon, the Comm… you could manipulate me and have me dead already. But you  _ don’t.  _ You just  _ help _ and I don’t want that.”

Kylo Ren is not about to show his hand right now, Rey thinks. If his assistance to her is some greater plot, he’s got no intentions of revealing it in a Force connection on Lothal. It’s just another problem to add to the list of things she doesn’t understand. 

All she needs to do is get this crystal, and then—

Then—

The frustration falls away, replaced by something new: shame. Rey’s so tired of being angry at herself for not knowing what to do. It  _ hurts.  _ And here she is, in a place that should supposedly put her on the path to fixing all of her problems, and she is completely incapable of pushing away all the irrelevant backlog and connecting with the Force.

A scary, intimidating thought rises in her head.  _ I don’t know if I want to do this.  _

She’s not sure exactly what she’s not desiring, but Rey feels so deeply in her chest that something is  _ wrong  _ and it is impossible to ignore. Without healing that aberration, she’s never going to be able to find her crystal. 

“I can’t do this,” she sobs, falling to her knees. “I can’t find my crystal, I can’t be their Jedi, and I can’t...”

In a strangely intimate gesture, Kylo bends down, sitting so close that their knees almost touch. “You can absolutely find your crystal, if that’s what you want.”

But it  _ isn’t  _ what she wants, not now. Because it begins a chain reaction of events Rey will be forced to follow through with that she’s unsure about. 

She can stomach being their Jedi if it earns back her friends. She can stomach hiding the bond if it makes things less complicated. She can even justify returning to the Resistance and being miserable if that’s what they need from her. But there’s one thing, Rey realizes, that she  _ can’t  _ do. And it terrifies her. 

Rey looks up at Kylo who is staring at her in earnest. When did he become the one that looked at her with a shred of interest? She supposed he always had, though the hate he felt had been so overwhelming that Rey never realized he was  _ seeing  _ her. The bond had surely complicated things, because it became that in those small moments that existed between them, not every moment was filled with hate. Perhaps there is... understanding between them. 

She takes a shaky breath. The truth comes out.

“I don’t think I want to kill you.”

His mouth parts slightly. “Rey…”

“It’s not me. I’m not a killer, or at least I don’t want to be. I… I don’t know who I am. But I don’t think killing you is what I want.”

She squeezes her eyes shut but tears still leak out. “And it’s wrong, because you’ve done the most terrible things, and I  _ haven’t  _ forgiven you for them. I  _ won’t.  _ And you’ll probably just find me and kill me anyway. But I can’t kill you.”

“I don’t want to kill you, Rey.”

She opens her eyes to see him staring at her.

“No?”

“No.” He swallows. “Rey, you…” 

The words catch in Kylo’s throat. Rey feels herself shattering from the inside out, every shred of who she thought she  _ was  _ is being unearthed and questioned. If she doesn’t want to kill him, what  _ does  _ she want? They’re enemies, they’re bondmates. It’s a contradiction that makes no sense. 

Kylo reaches out slowly and places a hand on Rey’s shoulder. She breathes in sharply at the feeling of his warm hand on the fabric of her shirt. It’s the closest they’ve been to real contact since before Crait. She doesn’t know what to make of it. Kylo seems to be processing the enormity of the moment, too, as his eyes are trained on his hand on her shoulder. He inches forward slightly, until the edges of their knees brush through the fabric of their pants. 

“You don’t have to go back to them, and you don’t have to kill me.”

“What else can I do?”

Rey tilts her head down to stare at her knees. Kriff, she’s  _ tired.  _ Tired of being a Jedi, tired of having her expectations superimposed into her brain by those around her, and tired of feeling like she never quite understands what anyone wants from her.

If anything, Rey just needs time away from this all. Her body barely remembers what it is like to be on its own, to make choices because she  _ needs  _ them and not because others  _ want  _ them and see her as a vessel.

Maybe her leaving for Lothal is running away, or maybe it isn’t, but Rey cannot see the clear path through this war while she is standing in the middle of the fray. 

Even in hiding, living with the Resistance is living in the middle of war. They’re constantly active in their fighting, even if that fighting is just conversations in Command or fixing ships in the hangar. Everything they do is an act of rebellion against the First Order. Rey cannot be there and not, in some capacity, be  _ at war.  _

If she tries to puzzle out her own thoughts in the middle of war, she’ll be much too distracted and will end up killed. The Resistance will see her withdrawn nature as an act of apathy or disinterest, and they will speculate more and more until the bond is discovered. What Rey needs is  _ space.  _ She needs a distance that will allow her to look at her life and this war through an outside lense so she can see where her belonging truly is. She’s sure she hasn’t found it yet, for the dissatisfaction has been brimming under the surface for a while. Perhaps this just means a few days away from the Resistance to meditate and return with her own motivations, or maybe it means something else entirely. Maybe it means finding a place in this war that she never expected. 

Granted,  _ none  _ of this was expected. She’s just a girl from Jakku now being asked to call the biggest shots in the galaxy. Yet it’s not  _ her  _ that really decides these things, she just acts them out. Voices have been whispering in her ear for so long—voices of people she cares about, voices she considers to be enemies—that Rey does not even remember what  _ her  _ desires are for the outcome of the war besides good winning out in the end. It might take time to peel back the layers and build up her own resolve, but she’s going to do it. She just needs to get away from the influences for a while.

Kylo takes an anxious breath, and Rey looks back up at his face. He studies her for a moment, then gives his proposal. 

“You could join me.”

She feels herself take a small gasp. It has been so long since he gave her this proposition the first time and she turned him down. 

“Kylo… you know I won’t join the Order, we’ve been over this.”

“I wasn’t talking about the First Order.”

Rey swallows. When she doesn’t respond, Kylo continues. 

“I’m reextending the offer. And this time it’s not going away. We’re bonded, Rey. If you ever want to discover what that means, I’ll be waiting.”

Rey averts her eyes. “Thank you,” she mumbles. “But I don’t think siding against the Resistance is the way I find my place in all this. I still believe in their ideals and would never do such a thing. I need something else, some other way to find what I want —”

“You could disappear,” Kylo says.

Rey immediately shakes her head.

“What? No—”

But conviction builds in Kylo Ren’s eyes, and somewhere in the bond a plan begins to form between them. She’s desperate to discover herself, to find a place that fits. Disappearing is the best way to do this. 

“Rey. Go. Hide. Forget the crystal if you’re not ready to find it yet. Lothal will wait. Just… go somewhere. You’ve spent your whole life living to be something for other people. Go find out who you are.”

She’s unsure how much of his sentiment is his own and what is just her feelings bleeding through the bond. Still, Rey pushes back.   
“You’re just going to kill me.” She can’t let go of their conflict quite so easily to believe he’s truly looking out for her best interest. 

“I won’t go looking for you if you don’t want to be found.” He takes his arm off her shoulder and presses the palm of his hand to his chest. 

“Honest.”

Rey thinks about this. It’s cowardly to run away, isn’t it? But perhaps it is more cowardly of her to go back and live a lie, to fail her friends over and over again. 

“You could… find one of those green places.” Kylo blushes at the softness of his anecdote, and Rey’s cheeks color too. 

“They’d come looking for me on the greenest planets. Everyone knows that’s where I want to go.”

She really starts to consider this hiding thing. Maybe in time, Rey will have the strength to truly find her Kyber crystal and return to them. But her thoughts are too jumbled on what she wants right now. Perhaps… she needs to be on her own and figure it out. 

“I’ll go to a city,” she decides. “I’ve never wanted to live in a city. They won’t find me there.”

Kylo nods. “Okay, a city.”

“I won’t go out. I just need a place to stay and then I can blend in. Trust me, I know how to be lost.”

The plan forms more solid in Rey’s head, and she is decided. It’s not running, it’s taking the space she needs to become herself. 

“I’ll take you,” Kylo says. 

Rey instantly objects.

“How will you get there? You can’t fly the Millenium Falcon into a metropolis.”

“I can hardly fly in with kriffing  _ Kylo Ren  _ either. Besides, I don’t think you knowing where I am is the best plan.”

“I’ll take you to Coruscant. From there, you can disappear to any planet you’d like. Or stay. Finding you would be no easier than if you were with the Resistance.”

It is everything that is foolish and unwise to trust Kylo Ren. Even in her rawest confession, Rey has concealed a crucial kernel of truth. She doesn’t want to kill him, but she’s not quite sure exactly  _ what  _ she intends to do about him. They are not friends now. They are not even allies. Each still stands postured on an opposite side of a polarizing war. And yet, a thread is tied between them. Rey feels it would be debilitating if she were to snap that chord, and so she cannot kill him. The piece of them that is bonded is just as much hers as it is his, and Rey is not sure she can lose the one piece of herself she is so certain is real. 

She will not separate the man kneeling in front of her from the things he has done, and will not pretend to be blind to the things he will do. The future, of course, is still in the hands of the one that lives it, but Rey can make her judgments that Kylo Ren is not about to turn around and march a path to salvation. He has committed crimes she can never forgive, crimes he doesn’t even seem to  _ want  _ to atone for, and yet he offers his personal assistance to an archenemy like it is the simplest thing in the world. How can  _ she  _ accept help from  _ him  _ and ever feel right with herself? Rey tries so hard to live in the light, to keep the purest parts of the Force at the center of her perspective. But she’s  _ desperate.  _ The pieces aren’t fitting together, no matter how hard she tries to make them. Rey can act like a good and virtuous Jedi who detests the actions of the evil Kylo Ren all she wants. But there will always be a disjointed and misfit nature to her as she holds this persona because the bond makes it impossible for her to see Kylo Ren as just one thing. 

He’s terrible, he’s vitriolic, and then he’s offering to fly on a ship and  _ take her wherever she wants to go  _ for her wellbeing. It seems an impossibility that these characteristics could all fall into one person, and yet here they are laid out in front of her. The man who calls himself Kylo Ren is shades of evil darker than the deepest reaches of space, and yet he is also something else, too. Something she has only just begun to allow herself to see. 

Should she trust him to take her to Coruscant? Probably not. Rey knows being around him, having the opportunity to try and puzzle out the complexity that is Kylo Ren, is a dangerous game for her to play. She edged close to this mystery once before on  _ Supremacy  _ and it almost tore her apart to have to leave it behind. If he comes to her, she will long to know more of this non-dark peculiarity in him. But he is her best bet to travel covertly and to hide away, so Rey will have to keep her distance as much as possible while he assists her. 

“Why would you do this for me? I’m supposed to be your enemy, we’re supposed to—”

“Enemies,” Kylo says, “Is an extremely simple word that no longer applies to our complex situation. I would not offer to help you build a lightsaber, or kill my master for you, if you were just my  _ enemy _ .”

He doesn’t elaborate on  _ what  _ they are, and Rey realizes that is because neither of them have an answer. She’s wanted so desperately for enemies to be the word that fits their description, but everyday it becomes more and more wrong. Rey cannot pretend her fascination with him—an interest to engage in conversations that both infurate and excite her—is the conventional ways of an enemy. 

“Fine,” she says. “You take me to Coruscant, but that’s  _ it.  _ No sticking around, no following me. Nothing. And I’ll know if you're lying.”

She might not, actually. Rey is still trying to get a hold of how the bond works. But Kylo Ren nods, and accepts the offer. 

“Just a ride, nothing else.”

“Exactly.”

It is all incredibly wrong and risky. She’ll go to Coruscant to  _ what?  _ Understand herself? Understand  _ him?  _ She’s unsure what it means that he is so easily willing to aid her in an escape from the people she wants to love her. 

Kylo watches her, and Rey feels the heat of his gaze on her face. 

“I’ll see you on Lothal then.”

She feels her breath catch in her throat. Kriff, he’s coming  _ here.  _ What has she done?

“See you on Lothal.”


	14. Space

As soon as Rey gets a moment to herself, she begins to panic. 

He’s coming  _ here.  _ She’s  _ letting him.  _

Now this,  _ this  _ is betrayal. It cannot be painted any other way. She’s not just a failed Jedi or a bad friend, she’s a traitor. How can she ever return, ever sort out what she needs to be in the war when she has made this choice? 

Rey still could not outline Kylo’s motivations for helping her, and that scares her most of all. 

She can’t return to the Resistance without her Kyber crystal, and she can’t go anywhere else in the galaxy on the Millenium Falcon. So, she waits. Rey waits for Kylo Ren to come to her, and she’s  _ not  _ going to kill him, and he’s  _ not  _ going to kill her. This is the promise they have made to each other. Rey does not want to be a killer. He has confessed to not wanting to kill her. It is a direct contradiction to all of his previous statements about her ‘rightful death’. Rey supposes she will have to keep her staff on hand. Maybe Kylo Ren has worked away around the connection of the bond and is truly evading her. If that is the case, lightsaber or not, she’s going to be at least ready to put up a fight. 

Rey waits with her nerves on edge. This trip isn’t going to end well, she can feel it. He can’t just  _ help  _ her, there has to be a price. She just hopes that she will be the one to pay it, and not the Resistance. 

A long time—but shorter than she expected—passes before Kylo Ren arrives in the caves on Lothal. 

She feels his presence before she sees him. It is like the slightest pressure is lifted from her chest, though Rey is still conscious of a heavy weight pulling her down. 

Kylo Ren appears in front of her looking much more like a man than she’s ever considered him to be. He has a plain black shirt and pants on with no mask. His dark wavy hair is brushed back behind his ears. 

He looks at her. She looks at him. 

The galaxy that has always existed between them is gone and they do not know how to react. 

“Rey.” Her name passes his lips, and somehow it sounds  _ different  _ here. Like Lothal has made it more sonorous, beautiful. Rey has never thought much about the sound of her own name until just now, until he said it actually in her presence and only for her to hear. 

“Kylo,” she nods politely. 

It’s strange. She’d imagined this moment of their reunion over and over again. Every scenario involved lightsabers being drawn. Rey can see he still has his attached to his belt, and she has her staff in her left hand. Neither of them make any move. As odd as the moment feels, Rey also feels a sort of sense of rightness settle between them. Her declaration of not wanting to kill him brought up  _ many  _ new questions, but she is still certain that fighting on Lothal is not how she is going to solve the problems ahead. 

“Hello,” he says.  _ He’s being cautious,  _ Rey thinks, curiously. It seems as if the Supreme Leader is waiting for Rey to set the tone of their brief journey. She knows the best way to not get sucked into his intrigue is to be as distant as possible. Without a word, Rey turns around and gathers her stuff up. 

“Where’s your ship?”

Not a single word about how he saw her broken and hurting, about how she sobbed and he reached out to her. Rey and Kylo play an odd game of pretending these moments did not come to pass. 

“Above. Where’s the Falcon?”

“Hidden,” she says. Rey walked quite a distance to reach the Kyber cave. 

Kylo nods. “Smart,” he says. “Wouldn’t want it falling into the wrong hands.”

Rey rolls her eyes then begins to walk towards him with her stuff in hand. Kylo seems to stumble just slightly as she passes right by him and moves towards the entrance of the cave.  _ It’s just a ride,  _ she reminds herself.  _ Keep your distance.  _

But the bond seems to want anything but that. Rey can feel the threat that connects them wrapping their minds closer and closer together, looking for a way to convene their consciousnesses while in close proximity. Privately she tries to put up a wall. Having Kylo speaking in her mind is the  _ last  _ thing she needs right now. 

She turns around at the mouth of the cave to see Kylo standing in the same spot.

“Well? Are you coming?”

He gathers himself quickly and begins to lead the way. 

The first breath of sunlight on her face feels like a relief. Part of Rey was worried she’d never leave that cave, that she’d die there with her failure. She knows one day she’ll need to return when she’s strong enough to face her own purpose. For now, though, Rey is eager to abandon Lothal. 

Kylo’s ship is right outside of the Jedi temple Rey entered to access the cave. It’s  _ so  _ First Order, Rey thinks: black and sleek and much more updated than any of the Resistance ships. It’s probably for his private use, too. Nobody in the Resistance has anything like that, unless you count the small amount of people who ever fly the Falcon. 

The ramp descends and she follows him on board to find out they are alone. Good. She doesn’t want any witnesses of her spending time with him. The last thing she needs is for this interaction to get back to her friends somehow. 

She leaves her bags in the main hold of the ship while Kylo goes to prepare for takeoff. Rey follows him quickly and sits in the co-pilot’s chair. He raises an eyebrow. 

“I can fly this thing by myself, you know.”

“And I’d like to know where exactly I’m going.”

She wouldn’t put it past him to fly her straight back to a First Order ship or something. Kylo studies her for a moment, then agrees. 

“Get ready,” he says. 

They rise above the stone spires and leave Lothal behind. Rey watches how Kylo’s jaw sets as he concentrates on navigating the airspace until they are comfortably gliding through the empty darkness towards Coruscant. His face interests her, she admits. It’s so  _ intense _ , not quite like other peoples faces. Though Rey supposes nobody’s face is quite like anyone else's. But his is  _ so  _ uniquely set with a sharp jaw and those dark eyes and—

“The excitement is pretty much over for a while,” Kylo says, turning to her. “I’d say it should take us about two days to get there.”

Rey quickly looks out the front window and blushes. 

“Shouldn’t this thing be able to go faster?” Two days seems like an awful long time to get from the Outer Rim to the Core.

“We’re not exactly taking the fastest route,” he replies. “This is  _ not  _ First Order business, and as I am not here as Supreme Leader, I would not like to go through areas of space where we are likely to be spotted.”

“Right.”

They fall into silence. She has a million questions but isn’t sure if it is wise to ask any of them, seeing as she needs to keep _away_ from him. But how is she supposed to, when they’re going to be on this ship together for _two days?_ How is she supposed to be near him for that long? Maybe she could find a place to hide away in. Rey normally prefers that feeling of independence. It reminds her of before her life turned into this madness. But something about spending time in the same room as Kylo is just so _intriguing._ Part of him is _her,_ or something similar to that. 

“You’re thinking loudly,” Kylo says. 

“What? Oh. Sorry.”

Rey feels a sudden desire to sink down in her seat and be unseen. 

“If you have something you want to ask, Rey, just ask.”

She should say nothing. This isn’t the plan. It isn’t the plan  _ at all— _

“How’d you get to me so fast?” she blurts out. 

“I was in the area.”

Rey frowns. “You were stalking me?”

“I was with my Knights on a mission when you appeared on Lothal. It was mere coincidence.”

She isn’t totally sold on his answer. 

“Do the Knights know you’re with me?” 

Kylo shakes his head. “I don’t need to explain my departures to them. Besides, they are ordered to take discretion at all times.”

“Oh.” Rey leans back in her seat. “So you left a mission to come help me, to fly me across the galaxy…”

“Right.”

The next question, the  _ big  _ question, is right on the tip of her tongue. 

“Were you killing people?” she asks instead. 

“No.” He watches for her reaction. “The First Order isn’t about killing people, Rey. Despite what your radical friends may have told you, we’re actually trying to do something  _ good _ .”

Rey is quite decided that Snoke had deluded Kylo Ren  _ very much  _ if he thinks that is in any sort of way that this is true. 

“But you  _ do _ kill people.”

“We preserve order.”

“You kill innocents.”

Kylo sighs. “If you’ve opened this conversation without interest in making leeway, why are we even having it?”

She isn’t sure. Perhaps it was just the easiest question to ask. Rey is certain Kylo is a darksider, so asking him about it makes sense. 

“If you must know, the Knights and I were convening about something entirely separate from the First Order. They’re not tied to the organization, even if they assist sometimes.”

_ Like me,  _ Rey thinks. She’s not a Resistance member, though she does what she can for them. Although Rey supposes this interaction right now is the antithesis of assisting the Resistance. She is, in fact, running from them with the aid of their top enemy. 

“Are they your friends?” she asks. It’s a stupid question, but she’s curious if a man like him could even have friends. 

“I think I told you once I don’t do friends,” Kylo replies smoothly. “But… they stuck by me, after Luke. And that matters very much to me. So they’re my associates.”

_ Sounds an awful lot like friends,  _ Rey thinks. Perhaps Kylo could save himself a decent amount of anguish if he wasn't so focused on being extremely dramatic. 

At the thought of friends, Rey’s chest hurts. Despite what Poe said, she cannot let herself hate him. For that one bad moment, there were many more, many where Rey had felt  _ good.  _ Perhaps her leaving had been a bit brisk. Maybe she should’ve stayed, talked to Rose… 

No. She needs space away from all of this to figure out who she’s supposed to be. 

“Can I ask you something else?” Rey says. 

“Only if I can ask  _ you  _ something in return this time.”

She scowls. “Fine.”

The only sound around them is the subtle clicks of machinery as the ship glides through space. Rey takes a deep breath. 

“Do you ever wonder… if without the Force… if people would still want you?”

Kylo stares at her. “I’m not sure I understand.”

She casts her eyes down. “I mean, do you ever feel like people just see you only for what you can give them?”

Kylo doesn’t respond immediately. Rey begins to panic. Kriff, why would she  _ ask  _ such a question? He’d never be able to understand her. Nobody does and—

“Often.”

She looks up. “Really?”

“But you have to let those people go. They will take and take and take, and the second you are unwilling to give, they will turn on you.”

“Is that what it was like with Snoke?”

Kylo’s expression goes slack, unreadable. 

“No,” he says. “Because I was not a person to him. I was an asset. He was never on my side.”

Rey isn’t quite sure how to respond. Once, it would’ve felt hopeful to hear him denounce his old master. But Rey ran out of hope for Kylo Ren a long time ago.

“My turn,” Kylo says. “For a question.” 

Rey nods.

“If you had entered this war a different way, perhaps been pulled off of Jakku by one of my associates, would you still side with those friends of yours?”

Rey frowns. 

“Your question misses a key truth: nobody in the First Order ever would’ve found me. Organizations like yours don’t care about planets like Jakku.”

“That’s not true. Order in the galaxy includes Jakku.”

She shakes her head. “You might think that. But I  _ lived  _ there and I know what it’s like for you. You’ll come and go and say you’re going to bring order to the galaxy, but not to  _ our  _ galaxy. Not to the little people, the people born into poverty or slavery.”

“Perhaps we could do more if not always working tirelessly to fight off your Resistance.”

“We haven’t attacked you outright since Crait. What have you done on Jakku in that time?”

He doesn’t respond. 

“That’s what I thought. I’m not interested in being a part of something that only cares about a certain sort of person.”

“What if it had been me?” he asks. “What if I had showed up on Jakku? Not Finn, or that droid. What if I had appeared? What would you have done?”

She should say this is a second and entirely different question, one that she’s not going to answer. But Rey is caught up in the moment of their conversation, so she answers anyway. 

“You wouldn't spare me a passing glance if I didn’t have something you wanted.”

“You’re probably right,” he says. “So what does it mean that I’m looking at you right now?”

Rey feels her heartbeat pick up to a rapid pace. She turns her head away quickly. 

“I’m hungry,” she says. “I’ll be right back.”

Before Kylo can say another word, Rey pushes her way out of the cabin and back into the main hold. 

She tries to collect herself quickly, pushing that final moment from her mind. The way he was looking at her was… charged. Rey takes a deep breath. She’d fallen into the trap of her own interest and their connection. It’s time she disengages. 

Kylo appears in the main hold just as Rey’s bread portion is ready to eat. She immediately begins to tear off pieces with her hands and stick them into her mouth. 

“Don’t you have to pilot the ship?” she asks through a mouthful of bread. 

“It’ll survive. I came to see if you’d actually come back here to eat something.”

“Well, now you have your answer.” Rey returns to eating. 

Rey tries her best not to focus on Kylo’s presence in the entryway. He’s kriffing  _ staring  _ at her. After a moment, Rey hears the sound of his footsteps as Kylo retreats back to the front of the ship. 

This is a mistake.  _ All  _ of it is a mistake. The First Order has a stronghold on the Core Worlds, and a pretty firm one on the Mid Rim. How is she going to survive on Coruscant? The Resistance might not look for her there, byt the First Order could. 

Rey has to remind herself who she is really hiding from. 

\---

The two stay parted for hours. Rey makes no move to go back and sit beside Kylo. If he’s going to transport her to her inevitable doom on a First Order ship then  _ fine _ , she deserves it for being this naive. And she’s not exactly keen on facing him now, anway. __

_ So what does it mean that I’m looking at you right now?  _ What does his question even  _ mean?  _ It might mean he… wants something from her. Rey supposes there are a few things he could want. Her force abilities, her Resistance knowledge… among other things. His gaze had been wholly heated, not harsh, demanding. But  _ wanting _ . Like she’s got the key to unlock his greatest desire hidden in her chest. 

Every moment that passes gives her a greater headache. Kalonia would probably be infuriated with Rey for the amount of emotional distress she’s put herself through the past few days. It surely can’t help the progression of a fading concussion. 

She eventually resigns to take a nap at the table. There are two doors that she can see in the back corridor of the ship, and Rey feels like one might lead to some sort of sleeping area, but she decides not to explore. Besides, sleeping in a bed on  _ his  _ ship would just be… strange. So instead she decides to stay in the main hold. That way if any action takes place she can be on hand quickly. 

It isn’t easy but Rey does eventually fall asleep for a while, her head tucked in her arms and leaning on the table in front of her. She wakes up from the sensation of a soft tapping on her shoulder to find Kylo Ren standing above her. 

“We’re stopping for fuel.”

She shakes the sleepiness from her mind quickly. 

“What? We can’t just _ — _ ”

“Fly without fuel? No, we can’t.”

Rey scowls and stands.

“I don’t know if you remember, but one of us has our face plastered across the  _ entire galaxy  _ currently. I’m really not in the mood for a leisurely stop that could lead to my recognition.”

“You won’t be spotted,” Kylo says. “It wouldn’t be in either of our best interests.”

Rey rolls her eyes. He’s always so  _ certain  _ and she doesn’t understand why. Why does Kylo Ren think he can pull all of the strings? 

“Fine,” she huffs. “But if I die because  _ you  _ didn’t bother to fuel up before the trip, I’m going to Force-haunt you until the end of time.”

“And if  _ I  _ die, you can expect the same treatment.”

She shudders. An eternity with Kylo Ren terrorizing her is the  _ last  _ thing Rey wants. 

“Where are we stopping?”

“Centares.”

She isn’t familiar with the planet. They’re far away from Jakku in this part of the galaxy. 

“And how long will it take?”  
“A few hours maximum. Then we’ll be back on our way.”

A knot coils deep in Rey’s stomach. Refueling means a few hours on a planet…  _ with _ him. They’ll have to leave the ship, probably. And she can’t give him the slip, because truthfully she  _ wants  _ to get to Coruscant. There, she can disappear. None of this will matter.  _ He  _ won’t matter. Surely she can manage a bit of time with him where neither of them are flying a ship or fixing a droid? If only she can just pretend for a while that he isn’t the person she knows, perhaps that will make the situation more bearable. Yes, that is what she’ll have to do. 

“We’ll be there in an hour. If you have anything less… suspicious to change into, there’s a Fresher in the back of the ship.”

Rey looks down at her clothes, which are covered in dirt and sweat from her trip to Lothal. Right, maybe she should change. Kylo turns back to the front of the ship as Rey grabs her bag and heads for the Fresher. 


	15. Identities

They land on Centares without much error in a small town that probably only sees smugglers and such passing through for fuel stops. Kylo’s ship is certainly sleek and out of the ordinary, so Rey is relieved that she decided to dress down more casually as to not draw any more attention to herself. She leaves her hair hanging in gentle waves past her shoulders, and wraps her arms in thick grey fabric. 

Kylo is waiting for her in the main hold of the ship after having talked to some people to get them fuel. 

“They said it shouldn’t take more than a few hours,” he says. “So we should probably head out so it can be done quickly.”

Rey nods. She can do this. She can spend time with him and it will be  _ fine.  _ She’s not a traitor, this is just her means of escape for a while. A few hours one on one with Kylo Ren doesn’t mean she’ll be spilling Resistance secrets. 

She begins to pick up her staff when Kylo stops her. 

“You can’t bring that.”

“I’m not going  _ unarmed _ —”

“Normal people don’t need to arm themselves, and we’re trying to  _ blend in,  _ remember? Besides, I’ll have my lightsaber. 

Rey laughs. “Oh, right. Because nothing screams  _ normal people  _ like that thing you’ve got strapped to your belt. My staff is  _ much  _ more inconspicuous.”

“Don’t bring it.”

“You aren’t going to stop me.”

_ I don’t know who I might need to protect myself from,  _ Rey thinks privately, and then quickly hopes Kylo didn’t hear the thought. It looks as if perhaps he might wince slightly, but his face does not react. 

“We probably shouldn’t call each other by our names,” he says. “Just in case there is anyone… of interest around.”

“Nobody knows  _ my  _ name.”

“The Resistance does.”

Rey huffs. “Fine. What do you propose, then?”

He considers this for a moment. “Kira.”

Rey frowns. “Kira? Do I look like a Kira to you?”

“You look like Rey, but the point isn’t that. It’s just… another name.”

Rey turns the name over in her mind.  _ Kira.  _ She’s not sure where he gets it from, but that doesn’t particularly matter now, Rey supposes. It’s only for a few hours. 

“If I have to be Kira, then you have to be Ben.”

Kylo’s face drops. “No.”

“You  _ said  _ it’s just another name, right? And I’m not saying Ben Solo, I just think… I might laugh or forget if you ask me to call you something else.”

Kylo watches Rey for a long moment. She isn’t trying to change him, honestly. She just… wants to call him Ben for a while. 

“Alright, fine.”

Rey nods in satisfaction and picks turns to fully grab her staff. 

“You’re difficult,” Kylo says, perhaps more to himself than to her. 

“That’s why you could never beat me,” Rey replies, and before he can reply she bounds down the ramp. 

They make their way into the town. Come to think of it,  _ town  _ is a bit of an exaggeration for the single street lined with shops that they have come upon. 

Rey can spot a cantina at the far end of the street, which seems like their best option in the fading afternoon light. They walk together down the road attempting to seem as casual as possible all the while keeping at least a foot’s distance between each other. Although, Rey supposes, it is quite impossible for the pair of them to go by unnoticed. Perhaps if Kylo wasn’t built like a stone  _ pillar  _ they could just mix into the crowd.

“Look excited,” Kylo murmurs in her ear. “I can’t guarantee we aren’t being watched. Just look like we’re… looking forward to having dinner together.”

She elbows him in the side. “As long as  _ you  _ stop looking like I’m holding a blaster to your head.”

He  _ does  _ look rather miserable. Perhaps he’s annoyed that she’s carrying her staff with her. But Rey feels safer to have it around, so he’s just going to have to learn to tolerate her means of defense. 

_ Walk closer to me,  _ Kylo thinks. Rey almost trips and falls as the thought echoes in her own head. 

_ I’m walking plenty close.  _

_ We look like we hate each other. _

_ Well we do, right? _

Kylo doesn’t say anything, and Rey gets a sinking feeling in her gut. Hate had always been the obvious explanation for their predicament. But, well, not she isn’t so sure what to say to him. They continue to move, but she shifts stride just slightly to be a bit closer to his side. 

_ We… we haven’t done this in a while,  _ she thinks. 

_ What? _

_ Talked. In each other's heads. _

Kylo frowns, as if surprised that Rey would not feel totally comfortable with this strange sort of communication that only exists between them. 

_ Well, we haven’t been together with other people around in a while.  _

They reach the front entrance to the cantina. 

_ Keep calm, Kira.  _

_ You don’t have to call me Kira in your head,  _ Rey thinks.  _ Nobody else can hear this.  _

Kylo doesn't respond. 

The small cantina is dark with low ceilings, small amber colored lights dripping from the ceiling and illuminating faces in dark corners. Rey and Kylo squeeze into a booth in the back corner, away from prying eyes. 

She can see the orange lights splashed across his face, bringing out the sharp colors of his eyes. 

“Are you familiar with food outside of portions, Kira?” Kylo asks. 

Rey rolls her eyes. “I’ve had  _ food  _ before, yes.”

She doesn’t want to particularly get into the topic of hunger with him. It’s something a boy who grew up as a Solo and Organa would never understand. 

“I was merely being inquisitive. I have no idea what you’ve tried.”

Rey sighs.  _ Just play along.  _ “When we first came back from Crait, Poe used to make Finn and I try all of these different foods and then we’d rate them. It’s not that the Resistance had a lot to spare—I don’t even know how he got most of the stuff—but Poe was bent on making us try anything new that he could find.”

Kylo doesn’t say a word, just watches her talk. And Rey doesn’t know why, but the words continue to pour out of her. 

“I wanted to like everything I tasted back then” she says. “It’s like, when you’ve been deprived of something for so long, you’re eager to drink it all up. Even the bad parts. Finn genuinely seemed to like everything he tried.” Rey laughs at the memory of Finn sampling fruit he's never had before, and having his eyes light up at the new tastes. 

“But it’s hard to let go of things from the past, even if they weren’t great. At first I wanted to ditch the portions, but sometimes… sometimes I’d sneak and grab one for myself just to eat in my room at night because it reminded me of what it was like before, of this life I had lived that nobody else understands. These other foods... they belong, in a way, to the galaxy. I’m just an outsider sampling them. But portions... that meal is mine. I lived with it.”

She blushes. “Sorry, that was ridiculous. Were you going to recommend something?”

Rey’s eyes quickly dart down to the menu. 

“I can order things for us to try, if you’d like,” Kylo says. “If you’re going to be an outsider, you might as well sample the best.”

She looks up at him, something strange swirling in her chest. Rey nods. 

And then they just stare at each other for a moment, and she has no idea what to say next. How much of a facade is she responsible for keeping up? Rey is almost positive there are no First Order or Resistance spies tucked away in this random cantina, although she can’t be positively sure. If they’re playing these games without an audience, what is the point?

Kylo orders four dishes Rey has never heard of. He also orders them two glasses of some wine, which makes Rey privately amused. Kylo Ren  _ would  _ drink wine. He’s just so… stately. They both barely drink sparsely from their glasses of wine, each taking little sips to fill the long moments with some movement.  _ He’s trying to be polite,  _ Rey realizes, and it surprises her. 

Does he think she’s going to go back on her word to not kill him over poor table manners? Kriff, for all Rey knows, that  _ is  _ a thing people do. Well, if he’s going to play this game of formality, she is going to win. 

“Where are you from, Ben?”

Kylo looks up from his glass at her, surprised. 

“I’m from Chandrila. Have you ever been?” It is purely a polite question. They both know the places she has been make up a very short list. 

“No. What is it like?”

“You would like it there. Lots of green. And water, too.”

Rey smiles. “Not quite Jakku.”

“Not quite, no. Though I’m sure that pretty much anything is better than Jakku.”

“I don’t know, Ben.” Rey raises an eyebrow. “I learned a lot of important things on Jakku, things Chandrila didn’t seem to teach you.”

“Like what?”

“Like how to be resourceful. How to… scavenge.”

Kylo laughs quietly. But it isn’t  _ his  _ laugh, Rey thinks. It’s Ben’s laugh. Ben laughing at Kira’s comment. 

“An interesting assessment that is duly noted. I’ll be sure to update my scavenging habits as soon as possible.”

Rey tries to picture Kylo in the hot sun of Jakku climbing through old star destroyers and finding parts. He’s much too big to fit into those tight spaces that give you real finds. But his size could have  _ quite  _ the impact on treatment from Plutt and others. She’d always had to prove herself as a threat to stay away from. Rey supposed Kylo wouldn't have to do such a thing. 

“Just stay away from Niima,” Rey says. “I don’t need any more competition.”

Kylo’s face immediately slips into a frown and Rey feels strange. 

“You’d never go back there,” he says, though it sounds sort of like a question. Rey wants to answer him immediately and say  _ no.  _ She doesn’t want the loneliness, the life of poverty, the hard hours in the sun just to be treated with disrespect. But truthfully, she doesn't know what’s going to happen to her after all of this is over. Where could she go besides where she knows how to survive?

_ You could go anywhere,  _ Kylo’s voice says in her head. 

Rey looks up at him sharply. 

“It’s weird when you do that,” she says.

“I don’t always mean to.”

“I think you do.”  
“That time I did. But honestly, I don’t always mean to pass things to you. Sometimes it just happens.”

“Will it stop?” Rey asks. “Once I go to Coruscant? I haven’t heard you in my head in a while, not since I was back with… my friends. And it was always through the bond.”

“I don’t know,” Kylo says honestly. “We’ll see, I guess. Once I’m gone.”

Rey wonders if he will go back to his Knights or straight back to the First Order. He never said exactly what he was  _ doing  _ with the Knights, anway. 

“It’s going to be weird being on my own again,” Rey remarks. “But I think I need it to decide what to do next.”

“I’m sure deciding not to kill me was confusing,” he says. Rey kicks him under the table. 

_ You can’t bring up murder in a cantina! _

_ It’s actually a pretty acceptable topic in places like this.  _

“It wasn’t confusing,” Rey says. “I don’t want to be the sort of person that… does that.”

Kylo completes her thought. “But you don’t know what to do now. One decision leads to more decisions.”

“Exactly.” She stares at him. “I’m not quite sure what to do with you now, Ben.”

If Kylo has any thoughts on the matter, he does not raise them. 

“Sorry,” Rey looks down at her drink. “I’m sure the last thing you want to do is talk through this with me. It’s strange.”

“I don’t mind,” Kylo says. “Most people are afraid to say anything to me. It’s… nice that you talk a lot.”

Rey laughs, a bright and clear sound. “That might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me, Ben. And you still managed to say I talk too much while doing it.”

Kylo’s cheeks turn sort of pink, which makes Rey smile. 

If only this could be  _ them _ . This energy, this banter. It’s like he always knows when to pause, their conversation a balancing act which each has instincts for. The rightness of it scares her.

A tall woman with pale blue skin arrives and places down four plates of steaming hot food in front of them. Rey’s stomach growls even though she just ate a portion a few hours ago. Kylo picks up a fork and pierces a piece of meat in a creamy orange looking sauce. He hands it to Rey and she takes a bite to find the flavor rich and spicy. Poe always had fancy words for explaining food, but Rey doesn’t know much. 

“It’s good,” she says through a mouthful. Kylo takes a bite, too. He then takes her fork pack and moves it to the next dish which contains white crunchy sticks and a translucent red sauce that turns out to be rather sweet. They try the other two dishes, and Rey isn’t quite fond of the third, which she lets him know. Kylo seems amused by her disinterest in talking about the food at all, seeing as she had rambled on about the subject quite a lot earlier. Now Rey just eats in silence, filling herself for what feels like the first time in ages. She takes a few more sips of wine, and feels the low buzz of energy flowing through her veins as the drink settles in her body. 

After all of the dishes are finished, Rey leans back in her seat.

_ So, do you think we’re blending in?  _ She asks him. 

Kylo’s eyes dart around the cantina, passing over faces of creatures local to the town. 

_ I think we’re doing just fine, Kira. _

Rey shivers, then quickly tries to cover it up by shifting in her seat. Kylo looks at her strangely, but says nothing. 

“How much longer for the trip?” Rey asks. 

“I allotted a stop for fuel in the two day estimate. I’d say another standard day and we should arrive.”

“I’ve never been to Coruscant,” Rey says. “I never wanted to go, either. But I know it’s a place to disappear.”

“There are plenty of places to disappear. Beautiful, peaceful places.”

“My friends would come looking for me in those places.”

“And would that be so terrible?” Kylo asks. “To be found by those friends of yours?”

Rey casts her eyes down to her drink. There’s a complicated shame surrounding the topic. She’s running from them because of what Poe said, that she wasn’t fit to be there if she couldn’t Kylo Ren, but that isn’t all there is to it. Every moment Rey edges towards this fresher truth, but she still can’t seem to reach it. 

“I need to figure out who I am before I can go back to them,” she confesses. “My life there is built on lies.”

“Because of the bond.”

“Yes. I mean, it’s more than that. I haven't felt right since Crait, and I think they know it.”

“You’re doubting,” Kylo insists. 

“No. I’m just… wondering if I have a part in that place because I want to be there or because they need me.”

She takes a deep breath. “But I’ll figure it out. Lots of things have happened, and I don’t regret what I’ve done. I’ll get through this.”

“I would think you might have some regrets.”

Rey looks up at him, an intensity in her eyes. 

“None,” she says honestly. She regrets none of her choices. Not Starkiller, not Ahch-To, not even on  _ Supremacy.  _ They were choices that had once been conflicting for her, but Rey now realizes that she  _ needed  _ to make those choices to get to where she is now, to begin on this path to truly find herself. 

“When I came to you on  _ Supremacy _ , I thought… well, I don’t know.” She trails off, not quite sure how to articulate the feeling. It had been terrifying to go to him. It had also felt inevitable, like it was something she had to face. 

“That I would go with you?”

“Maybe. But once we saw your master I more just thought you would kill me.”

“I did too,” he says honestly. “But I… I couldn’t do it.”

Kylo leans in slightly towards the table, and Rey mirrors this action instinctually so their faces are just a foot or so apart.   
“Ben,” Rey says. And they both know which Ben she’s referring to—not the facade of tonight, but the one long lost. The one that a girl who he barely knew flew across the galaxy to try and save.

“I still have no regrets about what I did.”

“None?”

“No.”

Looking back, Rey realizes that maybe there are choices she would’ve made differently. But she doesn’t  _ regret  _ what she’s done. It’s just that now that she’s here, she isn’t sure where to go next. 

She had tried to save him on  _ Supremacy.  _ Maybe he doesn’t want to be saved. Perhaps Ben Solo is the sort of person that will carry his darkness with him wherever he goes. Not even Rey—a person to which he is closely bonded—will be able to take that away. 

Kylo pays for their meal, a gesture to which Rey does not object purely on the basis that she’s on the run with limited funds and if someone is  _ offering  _ to pay for dinner she might as well take them up on it. She wonders, fleetingly, if Centares is a place he knows well, a place he brings other people. Rey can’t quite imagine him having dinner with anyone else. It’s stange that he’s eating with  _ her  _ and it’s… okay. He’s the Supreme Leader, this sort of dark lit and inconspicuous cantina shouldn't seem to suit him, but it does. 

_ I’ve never been here before,  _ he thinks. And Rey curses herself for thinking so  _ loudly _ that he’s heard her. 

_How was I supposed to know?_

_ You weren’t. I just… wanted you to know. _

Rey takes a deep breath. 

“Ben…. about what I thought outside....I don’t hate you.” There is more she has to say, qualifiers to the statement that complicate her feelings. But Rey doesn’t want to break the spell of this strange moment. 

“I don’t hate you either, Kira. We don’t have to hate each other. I don’t think that’s what the Force wants.”

She doesn’t want to hate or not hate someone because of  _ the Force.  _ She wants to not hate him because of who  _ he  _ is and who  _ she  _ is. Rey thinks the Force can want things to play out a certain way, but nothing can truly decide what a person feels. 

And if she doesn’t hate him, there’s so much to think about, so much to  _ consider.  _ What words fit his description now that hate is gone? 

Kylo reaches his arm out slowly, and Rey ceases to breath. Gently, earnestly, his hand reaches up to her face and he tucks a stray piece of hair behind Rey’s ear. Her eyes follow the gesture that neither of them understand and his finger brushes lightly against the side of her face. Rey feels the lingering heat of his hand on her, as if her skin is memorizing what it feels like for them to touch. 

“I’ve met many people in the galaxy, Kira,” Kylo breathes. Rey is transfixed by his gaze, her body stilled in fascination. 

“And none of them have captured my attention quite like you.”

Rey swallows. The cantina has suddenly become too small of a space. Eyes could be wandering, people  _ watching.  _ And Rey doesn’t want this moment to be watched. 

“I think we should go.” Her eyes lock with Kylo’s. He stares at her intensely and Rey can’t bring herself to look away. Maybe… she doesn’t  _ want  _ to. Maybe she wants to sit at this table until the end of time, ignoring the food and the customers and the glasses of wine. Maybe she just wants to sit here and stare at him. Stare at him, and… 

“Yes,”Kylo replies lowly. “Let’s go back to the ship. You and me.”

Rey pulls in a short breath. 

For a moment she can’t bring herself to stand, and neither can Kylo. What were they planning to do? The ship, right. She needs to get to Coruscant. She needs… 

“Will it be… ready?” she asks. 

“It should be. It’ll just be us.”

Rey’s brain scrambles for a response, but she finds her mind an empty space. Instead, she grabs her staff from beside her in the booth and stands. 

Rey and Kylo—Kira and Ben—exit the restaurant together, perhaps playing into their charade a little too well. Perhaps Kylo shouldn’t reach to wrap Rey’s arm around his own as they walk down the low lit street. Perhaps Rey shouldn’t let him.

But as they walk arm and arm, Rey feels there is a deep—if fleeting—righteousness to the moment. 


	16. Flight

It is a strange feeling walking down the street, one arm wrapped in Kylo’s.

Rey never thought she’d do something like this with anyone— _ certainly  _ not with him. This closeness is different from that which she has with Finn or Rose or Poe. She can’t quite describe the shape of it yet. 

Her heart pounds in her chest as they come back upon the ship. She knows if they walk up the ramp like this right now,  _ something  _ is going to happen. Something she cannot control and will never be able to go back on.

Should she stop? They’ve been acting friendly to blend in, but soon they’ll be alone. Rey is afraid Kylo’s demeanor will change entirely, and, well, she doesn’t want it to. 

They continue down the street, arm in arm, and this time Rey’s not so blinded by agitation to miss the face of locals watching them pass by. 

_ I think we’re being watched,  _ she thinks.  _ So much for blending in.  _

_ It’s not me they’re staring at. It’s you.  _

Rey grimaces. If they’re spotted and reported because of her kriffinig  _ staff _ —

_Not the staff. You._ _  
__What?_

Rey’s eyes drift over a woman selling food from a stall beside her. The woman offers her a warm sort of smile. 

_ You look… magnetic.  _

Confused, Rey looks up at him. 

“Magnetic?” she asks. 

“I mean there is simply nothing else as important here to see as you, Kira. They can’t help but stare.”

Rey blushes. “Oh,” she says. 

Kylo says nothing more and they continue down the street. Rey doesn’t feel like she’s walking anymore, it’s like she’s  _ floating,  _ the world taking on a surreal quality. Kylo Ren’s arm twisted around hers is the surest and firmest feeling she’s ever felt in her entire life. And as terrifying as that is, Rey lets the fear go just for now. Just until they reach the ship, until they reach Coruscant. She can pretend this is real. She can pretend the pleasantness of him isn’t something she needs to run from but is actually a quality to revere. 

His ship comes into view, and Rey and Kylo slow to a stop just below the ramp, unlatching from each other's arms to turn face to face. 

“Thank you for dinner, Kira,” Kylo says. 

Rey looks up at him. “ _ You  _ paid for dinner. Kriff, you did  _ all of this,  _ Ben. If you hadn’t come for me…. I don’t know what I would’ve done. I should be thanking you.”

Kylo looks at her strangely, and Rey wonders how often he is thanked for anything at all.

“I would never abandon you,” he says. “Not anymore. I made that mistake once. But now I will be here whenever you need me, Kira.”

“You make it sound so serious…” 

“It is.” Kylo reaches out with a hand to gently tip her chin up to face him. “You said you did not want me dead, and it was like finally waking up. I do not want you dead either, Kira. I was so obsessed with your death being rightful because truly you fascinate me. But I have no desire to kill you. As much as I might enjoy it when we fight.”

Rey laughs. “ _ Enjoy _ ? I would hardly call those memories  _ enjoyable. _ ”

“Then what are they?”

She considers this. “Important.”

Kylo agrees. “Alright. Important. But my sentiment still stands. I am here for you now. Before… was a mistake.”

It’s hardly an apology, Rey supposes. She’s not expecting him to apologize to her. And try as she might, Rey just can’t return his words with certainty. Will she always be there for  _ him?  _ Maybe if Ben from Centaurus was who truly stood before her, Rey could make that promise. But Kylo Ren’s illicit affairs do cause her to pause. 

“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know,” Kylo says. 

_ Wait, I _ —

There is a rustling to their left. Kylo instantly freezes, and Rey is pulled out of her haze and into high alert mode. The fueling station where Kylo’s ship sits appears abandoned. But Rey can sense there are other lifeforms around, even if she cannot see them. Kylo slowly releases her chin from his fingers, and they turn slightly to cover each other's backs. 

_ On your left, Kira.  _

Rey spins with her staff just as an attacker appears on her side. The man catches the blow in his side and lurches forward to land a punch on Rey’s jaw. She ducks, swiftly kicking the man's feet.

Rey feels Kylo separate from her and she turns around just in time to see Kylo Force-push a man against the wall of the fueling station. She opens her mouth to call to him, but just at the same moment Rey’s opponent has regained his balance. 

He kicks Rey square in the gut. And, well, she really doesn’t take the blow well because she wasn’t expecting it. Rey stumbles back, gasping for air, and then trips on her heel and falls back onto her butt. The man looms over her, and kriff, if she could just get a grip on her  _ staff,  _ then—

Her attacker suddenly stops moving, quickly clutching at his throat. Rey whips her head around to see Kylo standing behind her, glaring at the man with eyes like knives. The man’s face begins to promptly turn a deep shade of purple, and that is when Rey scrambles to her feet and kicks  _ him  _ in the gut so he falls to the ground and passes out. 

Rey spins around on Kylo. “Did you just  _ force choke him? _ ” 

Her eyes skim the area and she discovers the other attacker seems to be passed out or possibly dead. Kriff, she hopes not dead. Rey senses they’re still alive in the force, thankfully. 

“He was trying to kill you,” Kylo responds promptly. “I neutralized the threat. Besides, he isn’t even dead.”

Rey glares at him, only becoming more infuriated when he seems so coondicent in his assessment of the situation. She turns and dashes up the ramp. Kylo follows quickly behind her. 

“I don’t understand what you’re mad about,” he says as the door closes behind them. 

“You didn’t have to do that.” She spins around. “You didn’t have use the Force we could’ve—”

“They have no idea what it was,” Kylo dismisses. “Besides, it solved the situation, did it not? We can leave now.”

“They were just robbers, or trying to take the ship, or  _ something small.  _ There was no reason to—”

“Is this the logic you apply to all situations? No real retaliation unless their crime was  _ big enough?”  _ Kylo steps forward. “Tell me then, Kira. Why is it then that I deserve to be spared?”

Rey feels like she’s been shaken awake from a dream.  _ This  _ is Kylo Ren. Cold. Calculatuing. The man in the cantina had been an act for his own benefit. She doesn’t know why she ever thought otherwise. 

“I’m not answering that,” she snaps. “And for the record, using the Force on a man who just kicked me in the gut is  _ not  _ the way to show you’re reliable. It was extremely risky. And ridiculous.”

Kylo narrows his eyes but Rey does not back away. 

“We should go,” he says. “Will you copilot?”

“I thought you said you didn’t  _ need  _ one.”

“No. But I would  _ like _ one to get off this planet safely, if she’s willing.”

Rey reluctantly stalks behind him to the front of the ship. Kylo checks the controls and doesn’t say a word to her as they depart. She watches him maneuver the ship with such a firm control. 

She fumes from the seat beside him. Rey knows for a fact he could’ve neutralized the threat  _ without  _ the Force. It was risky—needlessly risky—to do something so exclusively  _ them  _ in such an open space. What if somebody had walked by and seen? Would they have put the pieces together? 

“Are you hurt?” he asks after a while. 

Rey shakes her head. “Maybe bruised. But no. I’ll be fine.”

“Good.”

Silence falls. Rey shifts in her seat to turn and look at him. 

“I don’t understand this,” she says. “You tell me you’ll be there for me no matter what. And then we’re fighting, and it’s like the minute we disagree  _ I’m  _ some sort of villain.”

“You’re not a villain. I just can't understand your rules.”

“Rules?”  
“You’re not a killer. You won’t use the dark side of the Force. But you’ll fight those men, and you’ll turn Starkiller to ashes and destroy those guards on _Supremacy_ without a second thought. What are you, Kira? Are you a Jedi purist or not?”

“I don’t know.”

“You have to decide.”

_ “I said I don’t know.” _

She swiftly turns away from him. 

“And what about you? The things you’ve done aren’t the sort of things you forgive _.  _ They are wrong on every level, they destroy and subjugate and harm. But then…. then you’re reading the texts to me, and piloting the Falcon, and coming to Lothal, and  _ brushing my hair behind my ear.  _ How am I supposed to understand your rules? ”

Kylo scoffs. “The answer is right in front of you. You just don’t want to see it.”

Rey whips back around. “Tell me.”

“You already know.”

She stares at him. 

“I don’t know, Kylo. It’s like… I want there to be two versions of you. One that’s Ben Solo and the other one that’s Kylo Ren. That way, I can cast all of your sins onto one and not feel so kriffing  _ conflicted. _ But you are one person. One person who has done terrible things, who has shown me kindness, and I can’t sort you out, I can’t make sense of all of it in my head. So if you say it’s simple, please tell me.”

He shrugs. “If you really want to know what the thread is that ties things together, Kira, you’ll find it.”

She crosses her arms. “Don’t think I’m forgiving you for any of it. I played a part tonight, but it doesn’t mean I forgive you for all of the harm you’ve done.”

Kylo goes very still. “I see. Well, it’s good to know where your true feelings are,  _ Rey,  _ so that neither of us get confused in the future.”

Rey can’t look at him. She doesn’t want to see any expression on his face—not anger, or contempt, or worse,  _ loss.  _

A long time ago, she had longed to bring Ben Solo back to the Resistance. But looking back, Rey realizes this was wrong. There was no way to bring Ben Solo home and leave Kylo Ren behind. They are one. They always will be. Ben Solo was on Starkiller and  _ Supremacy  _ and Crait. Ben Solo killed Han. But he also killed Snoke. He also… read to her, and listened, and fought  _ with  _ her. He was much more bad than good, but Ben Solo was more than just one thing. 

And Rey surely isn’t going to decide how she feels about all of it with him sitting right next to her. 

“You don’t have to stay here now that we’re off the planet.” says Kylo. “There’s a cabin in the back. Go get some sleep.”

“I already slept before we got to Centares. You should go sleep.”

“I’m not leaving the front of the ship.”

Rey sighs. The man is  _ unbearably ridiculous. _ “ _ Fine.  _ Sleep in the copilots chair, then. But for  _ my  _ peace of mind, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t pass out while in control.”

She thinks he’s about to put up  _ another  _ flight when, reluctantly, Kylo relents and the two participate in what is possibly the most uncomfortable maneuvering of all time to avoid touching. 

“I don’t think I’m ready to make up yet,” Rey says after a while. 

Kylo, who had been drifting off in the chair beside her, suddenly opens his eyes and his cheeks flush. 

“ _ What did you say?” _

Rey frowns. “I  _ said  _ I don't think I’m ready to make up yet.”

“Oh,” Kylo seems to breathe a sigh of relief, though Rey isn’t quite sure why. “Well when have we ever made up after arguing?”  
“I don’t know. But I need time to think.”

“Okay, Kira. It’s only been about two minutes.”

Kylo sits awake in the copilot’s chair for a while, but eventually Rey notices his eyelids droop and he falls into a deep sleep beside her. 

\---

A few hours later she shakes him awake. “We’re coming out of hyperspace. I thought you might want to navigate Coruscant airspace.” 

He nods groggily and they switch places again. “Do you have any idea where you’re looking to go?” Kylo asks.

Rey shakes her head. Honestly, she hadn’t thought this far ahead. The only certainty she had was that she needed to leave. Perhaps she should’ve done a but more thinking into what that would look like. 

“Just get me on the planet. I’ll figure it out from there.”

Rey retreats to the back of the ship to freshen up and get her things ready to go. She thinks, errantly, of the Jedi texts sitting in the bottom of her bag. Perhaps she should’ve shared them with him at some point, seeing as he is the only one that can read them and she’s most likely not finishing the construction of her lightsaber anytime soon. 

She comes back to the front of the ship just as the surface of Coruscant is coming into view. Rey feels a bit sick in the pit of her stomach at the neverending city sprawl. All of those  _ people…  _ kriff. This is going to be difficult. At least she will be on her own again. She’ll find a place to stay (probably using a bit of that Jedi mind tricking that has come in handy as to not be recognized), and then hole up in there to take some time to figure out what, if anything, comes next. The Resistance is probably looking for her as she speaks. And here she is, having run halfway across the galaxy on a ship with Kylo Ren. Truly nothing in her life ever seems to happen the simple way. 

Kylo descends down onto a landing pad and the two just sit in silence beside each other for a minute. 

She’s leaving, then. After all they’ve been through, Rey had been so certain after Crait that her next meeting with Kylo Ren would end with only one of them walking away. Now they will both be departing. She has no idea where he is going, and he has no idea where she plans to stay. They are truly separating with intention.

Without a word, the two rise and head towards the ramp of the ship. Rey grabs her staff and her bag, and the last thing she has to do is face him. 

“Well, I guess this is time for my official thank you,” Rey says. She sticks out her hand and Kylo takes it reluctantly to shake. The gesture feels more than awkward, Rey thinks, it just feels  _ wrong.  _

“I’m glad I could help. And remember what I said. I will never abandon you, Rey. If you need anything… reach for me.”

She nods. “Just… don’t kill all of my friends while I’m gone, alright?”

“I don’t know if you’ve heard, but my spy went rogue. So I really couldn’t even if I wanted to.”

She almost laughs at that, but the thought of Lena left behind makes her heart ache. 

_ Rey…  _ His voice is agonizingly soft in her mind. Rey wants to run from it, she also wants to trap it and keep it all her own. 

If Kylo had anything else to say, he keeps it to himself. Rey turns and slowly walks down the shuttle ramp into Coruscant. She can do this. She  _ needs  _ to. Here, there are no commanders or masters or legacies. There is just… her. 

The shuttle ramp closes and the last thing she sees is Kylo staring at her. Part of Rey wants to stop him, to keep that shuttle here and get right back on it to do… something else. To be with him. To understand. 

But the other part of her is so tired of the constant questions and theories. She needs to let go of Kylo Ren and Ben Solo. They are one man, no matter how she wishes this wasn’t the case. And Rey can’t find a way to have all of the pieces of him fit together in a way that makes sense. 

So instead, she turns and starts to walk into the heart of Coruscant, not looking back when the ship takes off and departs into the far reaches of the galaxy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who is following along. I started posting this because I was bored and now I'm like woah! Where did all you people come from! I seriously never thought anyone would read this. But I hope you're enjoying it. Sorry for dragging this out incredibly long but I just think it's really interesting to discover how relationships and connections develop slowly and that they are not, really, linear in the sense that you can move forwards and backwards in terms of how you feel about a person. I'm also super interested in characterization, so basically I have too many thoughts. I personally felt like Rey was kind of deprived of a fleshed out emotional arc in TROS (among a few other characters) and a journey that is her own. So, I'm exploring that. Stick around if you'd like. I kind of consider this to be the end of part one, though I haven't labeled it that ~officially~. of course there needs to be struggle and characters being torn apart when things look like they might turn around. this is fanfiction, babey! but somewhere in the future is a happy ending, I promise. anyway, this is me saying "end of part one!" as in a huge symbolic change in the story has just occurred and we are off on a new path! and also, thank you for reading! i am so surprised people are reading this! thank you and stay safe and healthy.


	17. Seperation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter begins in Kylo's POV. I'm not sure if this will be a frequent thing or not but I feel like it is important to set some grounding context so I've included it.

**One Standard Month Later**

Aboard the  _ Finalizer _

* * *

The minute the meeting adjourns, officers rush to carry themselves out of the room. Kylo knows why. Even  _ he  _ can see that his actions, in hindsight, were a bit brash. All the officer had suggested was that they send  _ another  _ spy to be picked up by the Resistance, since this one had never returned. Maybe his response was a bit… forceful. Still, it emphasized the point. The First Order would not rehash failed ventures to bring down the Resistance. They needed to get smarter, more agile. Something in the spy’s experience had caused them to defect. It could very quickly happen again. This  _ was  _ the again, really. There had already been a notorious defect and he was now considered a Resistance hero. His actions had encouraged the very weakest among the ranks to flee—a small number, really, as it has so far only been a couple dozen out of thousands. But it was a seed of defiance in his Order and he could not stand for it. Some had made it out, others were caught. Either way, Kylo Ren did not want a mutiny on his hands. This means they need to keep their soldiers very close to the vest so that their mentality cannot break. 

As the crowd clears to nothing there is still one figure standing astutely on the side of the conference table. 

“Yes, General?” Kylo draws. Hux steps forward, his face impassive. It doesn’t take a magician to know that Hux absolutely  _ loathes  _ him, Kylo thinks. First the man wanted to be revered, but that has since changed. 

“I thought we might talk, now that we’re alone.”

Kylo stands, turning his back on Hux to stare out the window into floating space. 

“And why might we do that?”

“Because every day we waste our time and money on finding that pesky Resistance. It has been well over a year since Crait, and there has been no trace of them.”

“Perhaps our rogue intelligence officer found them.”

Kylo can feel Hux fuming at the insinuation that one of his soldiers would defect. 

“There is  _ no evidence  _ as to that particular individual abandoning the Order. We have not  _ heard  _ from them, so it can be presumed that if they  _ did _ find the Resistance, they were detained or killed. Unless, Supreme Leader, there is something else you would like to share?”

“No.”  
Kylo watches the stars float by. Centares was the last time he was truly on-planet, well over a month ago. Coruscant didn’t count, seeing as he never really left the ship. The air feels fuller, Kylo thinks, when you’re standing on a planet. It’s air you can breathe and feel sink into your pores. 

“You have something you want to say, Hux. Say it.”

Kylo can feel his contemplation. The man has been slowly getting bolder with his small defiances.  _ That  _ isn’t good for any regime, Kylo thinks. He should probably quash the flame before it can build into a genuine issue. But it is…  _ interesting.  _

“Either we send a fleet to destroy any place where we think the Resistance might be hiding, or we stop spending our valuable resources on a decimated cell of rebels that hasn’t put up a fight in over a year.”

Kylo spins around. “Are you saying they aren’t a threat?”

“I’m  _ saying,”  _ Hux hisses, “That the threat of twenty odd people on a Corellian light freighter with a half-Jedi isn’t something that should be taking up so much  _ time  _ and  _ money.  _ Especially when they haven’t made a move in over a year. The Resistance is dead.”

“The Resistance is  _ not  _ dead,” Kylo spits. “And we are  _ naive  _ to think so.”

“ _ Then kill them!  _ If not with explosions, then in the public eye. Announce their demise. Let the galaxy know that  _ we  _ maintain rule.”

Kylo considers this. Perhaps Hux isn’t  _ entirely  _ brainless. Of course, Kylo knows that the Resistance  _ does  _ live, if weakly. But declaring their death makes a statement to the galaxy. 

“When do you suggest?” He asks. 

Hux straightens his posture, satisfied. “The benefactor gala next week.”

“No.”

“You said you wouldn’t attend. But  _ this  _ is how we should our financiers that—”

“I am not attending a  _ party,  _ General Hux.”

The man looks absolutely  _ infuriated.  _ “It would be in your best interest, sir, to denounce the Resistance to those who most want to see it die. Besides, you have not made a public appearance in over a year, and frankly, people are beginning to get suspicious.”

“Suspicious?”

“You are the Supreme Leader now. People need to know that you’re well and leading.” He says the last piece with a bit of distaste. 

“Snoke never made appearances.”

“Yes, but  _ you are not Snoke.  _ Your power is not as established.”

Kylo considers this. A gala… kriff, he’d rather cut off his own arm than attend a  _ gala.  _ With dancing and socializing and…. people. But he does suppose maybe it isn’t the worst idea in the world. And it’s only one night, right? 

“Very well, General,” Kylo sighs. “Add it to my schedule then.”

Hux sneers at the thought of adjusting Kylo’s social calendar. 

“But on one condition.” 

Hux frowns. “Pardon?”

Kylo should say nothing more. The plan is in place and he will suck any final drops of hope that the galaxy will be saved by the Resistance dry. Nobody who ever believed in them will think differently than what he tells them. The First Order’s power will become insurmountable. But a small piece of him, this strange, often quieted piece, tells him there is one thing to add to this deal.  
“I will do this, Hux, if we reallocate the funds to the infrastructure of the Outer Territories.”

Hux instantly objects. “There are still more planets to bring into the fold—”

“And they will be a nuisance if constantly rebelling. Take a poor planet and give it irrigation systems or something. I don’t care. Blast the news out. We need the good press.”

“That is  _ incredibly  _ expensive.”

“We have the budget now that the Resistance is ‘no longer a threat’ to us.”

Hux sneers. “ _Fine._ Where would you like me to start?  
Kylo considers this for a moment. There are so many places to begin, so much work that will need to be done when he has full control of the galaxy. 

“Start on Jakku.”

Hux nods, thinking nothing of the request. He turns to exit the room, but Kylo calls to him just before the door. 

“Hux.”

“Yes, sir?”  
“I’m not… bringing anyone. To the gala.”

Hux nods. “Expected sir. You’re the Supreme Leader, after all. You have no equal.”

He turns and exits the room, leaving Kylo alone. 

Kylo heads for the door, striding out into the hall with a confidence he doesn’t feel. The mask long destroyed, he’s taken to trying to spend less and less time when possible in public areas of the ship. Of course nobody outside of the  _ Finalizer  _ has seen his face. But he supposes that will change if he attends the gala. Any photos or video of him will surely be broadcast to the galaxy. Perhaps he’s going to have to rethink this plan a little bit. Having inferiors know his identity is one thing, but the  _ public _ … that is another thing entirely. There is a solution brimming, he just has to think on it for a while. 

While agreeing to attend was painful, admitting that he won’t bring someone was…  _ humiliating.  _ In every sense of the word. Kylo cannot, in any reality, imagine himself arriving at this gala with a  _ date.  _ There is nobody aboard the  _ Finalizer  _ who he would even  _ think  _ to take, not that they would want to go with him anyway. 

Truthfully, he’s never been good at one on one conversations, and that’s what being one’s date is all about. No relationship he’s ever had has been good.  _ Except…  _ no. Not except. Rey is  _ most definitely  _ part of the category that didn’t end well.  __

It has been a month since he dropped her off on Coruscant, and the bond has been absolutely silent. He hasn’t even  _ felt  _ her through it more than to know that she is, definitely, still alive. And perhaps that will have to be enough for now. She wanted to get away from this war and he swore to help her do it. Kylo  _ is  _ the war. She couldn’t run and bring him along at the same time. He was merely her ride, a way to get across the galaxy safely. But he can’t stop thinking about her, no matter how hard he tries. Rey is intriguing.

She could be anywhere in the galaxy right now. She could even be back with the Resistance, but Kylo has a feeling she isn’t. If there’s one thing he knows about Rey, it is that she is determined to forge her own path.

\---

Rey lets out a loud scream.  _ How many kriffing times  _ is she going to burn herself on this thing? 

“You really should just let me cook,” Pree says, leaning forward in his seat behind the counter. “I know how to make lots of things without injury.”

Rey shakes her head. “No. I invited  _ you  _ over for dinner so  _ I’m  _ cooking.”

Pree laughs. “I live across the hall and we do this all the time! It isn’t really a special occasion.”

Rey tries her best to hide a smile but fails. Coming to Coruscant alone wasn’t just scary, it was  _ terrifying.  _ But the light in all of this is that she ended up in a tiny apartment in a huge building right across the hallway from one of the most interesting people she’s ever met. 

Pree seemed to take a liking to her immediately, too, and they became fast friends. 

Friends, of course, with great secrets hidden between them—some of which Rey feels rather guilty about. Pree doesn’t know Rey is the former Resistance Jedi, or that her face is the one that’s plastered all across the galaxy. She had to do quite a heavy amount of Force-induced convincing early on to make Pree think that she looks  _ nothing like  _ that girl in the pictures. 

“She doesn’t have your nose,” he says now, which makes Rey laugh. 

He does know she grew up on Jakku, and made her way to Coruscant to start over. Rey has gotten the sense that Pree understands that she’s hiding here, but he never asks who—or what—she is hiding from. 

Rey slides two dishes of chicken onto the counter, one for each of them. 

“Where’d you find this recipe again?”  
“I had it on Centares,” she says. 

“Oh, right. Wait—why were you there?”

“Just travelling.”

Pree looks mystified. “Travelling,” he drawls. “I never pinned you as a traveler. ”

Whatever other questions Pree has, he doesn’t ask them. Rey looks up at his pleasant face and smiles to herself. Pree may be a little eccentric, she thinks, but he sure is a good source of information. 

Rey tries to be casual about her questions, but sometimes there is simply no coy way to ask:  _ have you heard any news about the Resistance?  _ The answer is always the same. No. 

Pree thinks the Resistance is gone, and the Jedi girl too. 

“They rode on the coattails of hope for years,” he says each time. “But people don’t see a way out of the Order anymore. It’s been a year since anyone heard of them fighting. They’re probably all dead.”

Every time they have this conversation a sick feeling settles in her stomach. Would people like Pree still believe in hope if the Resistance had attacked a month ago when she convinced them not to? Rey was concerned for their safety, but she never thought about the fact that other people may have been watching them, too, hoping for a sign that there is still good in the galaxy. 

And now she’s failed them and left. There is no going back the way she is. 

The other question Rey asks on very spare occasions is about Kylo Ren. Pree is sort of a gossip enthusiast at his work, and it seems the entire galaxy has their eyes on the secluded Kylo Ren. 

“Maybe he’s, like, going through some sort of medical recovery or something,” Pree suggested once. “That girl that killed Snoke probably cut him up pretty bad.”

“I’m sure she did,” Rey would say. 

She didn’t want to know what planets he was conquering and what lives he was taking. The guilt of her amiable feelings towards him she carries with her to this day. The way he looked at her on Centares…. 

_ You are magnetic.  _

Rey shivers. Pree stops chewing his chicken. 

“Are you okay?”

“Fine, sorry.”

Pree sets down his fork and focuses his attention entirely on Rey. 

“You’re unusually quiet.”

“I don’t have to be chatty.”

“No, you don’t. But you  _ are  _ chatty. What’s going on?”

Rey sighs. Nothing she can tell him about specifically. 

“Just thinking about an old… acquaintance of mine that I can’t seem to let go of.”

Pree raises an eyebrow. “Acquaintance? As in…”

“No!” Rey blushes. “Kriff, no.  _ Definitely not.  _ We were… very close, though. In a different sort of way.”

“Okay,” Pree says, though he doesn’t look convinced. “Are you meeting up with them soon or something? Why are they on your mind?”

“I’m not. I can’t see him anymore.”

“So it’s a _him…”_ She can see Pree trying to puzzle together the mystery in his head. What names has Rey mentioned before? Does she have any male friends in her stories? Rey knows he won’t figure it out, of course. The guess that she’d be talking about the Supreme Leader is absolutely outrageous.   
That first week on Coruscant had been _hard._ Rey felt, in a moment of weakness, like she wanted to call Kylo just to not feel so alone. But she reminded herself that she _needed_ to decide what she wanted without anyone’s influence, and having secret conversations with Kylo Ren certainly isn’t nonpartisan. 

She’s not entirely sure if it's her doing, but Rey has not seen him in the bond since her arrival. Maybe the Force understands her more than she thinks, and is giving her this time. Although, she has to admit, the time won’t last forever. Mostly because the money won’t. She doesn’t even want to see how long her limited credits from helping the Resistance and some  _ generous  _ kindness from Leia will last her to keep this apartment. The landlord—a man named Bail Thanas—didn’t seem to be the sort of person to be notorious for financial kindness. 

“Why can’t you see him? Wait!” Pree gasps. “Did you run away from him! Oh Rey, that’s so  _ interesting. _ ”

“I didn’t  _ run away  _ from  _ him _ ,” Rey says pointendly. “He’s a horrible person. I shouldn’t be bent up on him at all and I  _ don’t  _ want to talk about it.”

“You tell me that you were  _ very close  _ with some mysterious man, that you  _ didn’t  _ have a relationship, you  _ can’t  _ see each other, and that he’s a horrible person, and I’m just supposed to let it go? No way. You are telling me everything.”

Rey stares abashed at Pree. “You’re lucky I like you,” she says. 

“You like most people. I’m lucky you’re my friend.”

She wants to say  _ that  _ isn't true, but Rey begins to consider her track record in the past year and realizes that yes, maybe, she  _ does  _ like most people she meets. Or, at least, she tries to. That is when they aren’t working for the First Order. Rey leans her elbows on the counter and Pree presses closer. 

“We met a little over a year ago and… fought… a lot. He’s an ass, really. I wanted to kill him. Like,  _ really  _ I actually wanted to kill him. But… we shouldn’t get into that. Anyway, we barely ever talk, and when we do it’s just  _ fighting  _ and I want to hate it so much. But… can I ask you a question, is that alright?”

Pree nods. 

“Have you ever felt like somebody might know something about you that you don’t know about yourself? That maybe those things that you can’t see—and we all have those things, believe me—the other person has figured out? Sometimes I felt like… he understood me in a way I couldn't even understand myself. Is that ridiculous?”

“No, it’s not ridiculous. But Rey, if you’ve found a person like that, I don’t understand why you would leave them.”

She laughs. “Did you not hear the first part? We fought  _ all of the time _ .”

“ _ All  _ of the time?”

“Well at first, yes. And I hated it but I also didn’t, you know? It made me mad to feel so  _ seen  _ sometimes in the most aggravating way. Like he could pick out those small things right in front of me and throw them in my face. Some things you just don’t want to know about yourself. But anyway, I was stupid enough to think things might be different between us. And they never can be because no matter how much he sees me, I cannot change the person that he is.”

Pree sighs. “ _ Kriff,  _ Rey. You’ve been holding all that in since we’ve met?”

“I guess.”

She hadn’t thought to share it with him before now. Mostly, Kylo is her biggest kept secret; a confusing, twisted, and absolutely absurd secret. 

“Well, you’re right. He’s an ass for fighting with you.”

“Sometimes people need to fight,” Rey says. 

Pree raises an eyebrow. “You’re defending him.”

“No! You know what, nevermind. Let’s talk about something else.”

As good of a friend as Pree is, Rey knows he will never be able to understand what she cannot understand herself. Seriously, the fact that she still hasn’t been able to get that night on Centares out of her mind in the past month is confusing enough. She’s thrown herself into the work she needs to do, meditating and thinking and training and everything else. The Jedi texts sit unread on the desk in her bedroom. 

All in all, Rey feels more like a person here than she did with the Resistance. There are no sideways glances in the hallway, no whispers and speculation about her magical powers and meetings with Luke. She’s been finding that without the war she might not be quite as peaceful as she likes. Her hands itch for her staff to be a purposeful instrument again. There is only so much training to be done in a tiny living room. But she doesn’t want to go back to the Resistance, not yet, even though she misses her friends there terribly. 

Here, at least, Rey can decide how she is going to handle her whole connection with Kylo Ren and promptly lay it to rest. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to say as we dive into more political narratives that while it is fun to read and write about villainous characters, that Star Wars media is and has always been inherently political, specifically an Anti-Fascist narrative. And really just that I do not agree with the First Order politics as they are discussed between characters. An important part of this story (and the original canon media) is recognizing and dismantling oppressive systems like Fascism. To enjoy this media is to recognize what it critiques and how these systems function in our real lives. That was a lot, but it's just my general PSA. Thanks :)


	18. Neighbors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no kylo this chapter! but he will be back next time I promise :)

While Rey may not adore Coruscant, she is fascinated by it.

The city feels as if it is never asleep, as if there is always a gentle hum or breath rushing through the streets. She seldom ventures outside, mostly for the reason of not wanting to be noticed. Kriff, being wanted in the galaxy is _annoying._

She sits on the floor in her small apartment and looks out the long windows into the city. Such a big place makes her feel small, insignificant. But it isn’t the sort of smallness where Rey feels like she is shrinking, no. It is like she is a piece of a larger puzzle, just a person among people. No myths, no legends, no theories. 

Pree lets himself in the front door. “Oh,” he frowns. “You’re… sitting on the floor.”

“Meditiating,” she explains, standing. “Really, you should try it.”

“I will try _your_ method of relaxation once you try _mine,_ ” Pree says. He’s been trying to get her to come out with him and drink—what Rey suspects—is copious amounts of alcohol. Of course, such a public adventure isn’t really in the cards for her. 

“Remind me why you came barging in again?” she asks. 

Pree shakes his head. “Right. Of course. It’s Bail Thanas.”

She reflexively groans at the name of their landlord. 

“What about him?”

“He’s coming here for the weekend, apparently. Staying in the Penthouse.”

“And?”

“And? _And?_ And he’s my Landlord _and_ boss! He’s invited me to _lunch._ You have to come with me.”

“No way.”

Pree might work for and pay rent to one of the wealthiest real estate owners on Coruscant, but Rey doesn’t want to be any closer to Bail Thanas than she has to be. 

“Rey, _please_. I can’t go by myself. He's the worst. Besides, don’t you want to see the view from the Penthouse?”

She does, very much so. “It’s not worth it.”

“The food will be great. _Amazing.”_

Rey considers this. She would like—wait. “You really think _food_ will win me over?”

“Food _always_ wins you over,” Pree grins.

Rey sighs. It’ll just be an hour or two for her friend. She cares about Pree. She can do this. 

“Fine,” she hisses. “But you owe me something big in return, and I _mean it_.”

Pree thanks her gratefully. “I’ll owe you my firstborn.”

“I don’t want your _children,_ ” Rey says, bewildered. 

Pree laughs. “Did you not exaggerate on Jakku? I just mean I owe you a great debt.”

“Oh,” Rey frowns. She’s glad Pree isn’t going to show up with a baby for her someday as payment. Rey is pretty sure that is the _last_ gift that she wants. 

“Sometimes I feel like you grew up in a different universe.”

“Me too. Most of the things I know aren’t even useful on Coruscant. Like, you aren’t scaling major wrecks here. I haven’t climbed anything in ages.”

“I think that’s not just Coruscant. Most places don’t require excessive climbing.”

“And I don’t know how to talk, either. All I ever really did on Jakku was argue and bargon.”

“Especially with your boy back on Jakku.”

“ _He’s_ not from Jakku,” Rey says quickly, her face flushing at the mention of Kylo. “His upbringing was much nicer than mine, he had more credits than he could ever spend. The perfect life, really, which is probably why he’s such an entitled asshole.”

Of course, Rey remembers what happened with Luke. but that's such a small piece of it, she thinks. Kylo had Leia. He had Han. He had Chewie. How could he betray all of them?

“Money doesn’t always mean good things,” Pree responds. “I’ve had plenty of friends who grew up wealthy and miserable. It’s about the people and the relationships.”

“He had good people,” Rey stares out the window. “But whenever he has somebody on his side, he pushes them away.”

Pree promises to snag a dress she can wear to lunch tomorrow. When he leaves, Rey is relieved to be alone again. She falls back onto the carpet and closes her eyes. Rey has become so adamant that she won't break her resolve for other people anymore. The Resistance wanted one thing from her and she worked for it. Now that she’s left, Rey has to constantly remind herself that not every favor for another human being is submitting to their will. She’ll go to lunch with Pree because… she likes him. She likes his attitude, his humor, and the way he always trades off on making dinners with her. She likes that the first day she moved in, he came over and started to feed her bits of gossip about Thanas’ activities.

Making a new friend is often like running a race. First Rey was sprinting, exhausting herself in every meeting with Pree to try and be the sort of bright person he’d want to be friends with. But eventually, just as with running, she found a way to even her pace. Rey and Pree found their comfortable rhythm, a pace that surges forward at a similar rate. 

Of course, she hides things from him. Rey knows he hides things from her. But Rey realizes what she didn’t understand in the Resistance is that she doesn’t _owe_ him everything. She doesn’t owe him her past. She can give him her present. 

Rey begins to take the steps to clear her mind, to feel connected deeply with the Force. Out goes Pree, and Bail Thanas. She thinks of the Resistance—of Finn, Rose, and Poe; she thinks of how, despite her departure, they are her people and she loves them. Rey then casts them from her mind. Underneath her friends is Jakku. She thinks of the pain, the heat, the hardwork and the brutal survival. Then Rey pushes this away, too, until she is left with the one thought it is always hardest to overcome. 

The bond. 

She can feel the thread that ties her to Kylo as if it is right in her chest. Now, the threat is long and limp, not pulled by any sort of tension between them. Rey has walled herself off from him and from the bond to try and discover herself. But discover… _what_ exactly? She isn’t the Resistance game piece anymore, nor the girl waiting for her parents to return. There is nobody she is required to live for here but herself. 

And yet, as she lies here, a pain begins to grow in her chest at this understanding that living this way isn’t exactly as she thought it would be. Rey thought she could run away and all of the pieces would fall into place. She thought leaving would mean she would totally understand herself. But now she’s just… lost. And stuck. But a different sort of stuck than before, a stickiness that occurs because of her own choices, not those of others. 

Maybe, Rey reasons, to know who you are, a person has to do more than just think. Perhaps she needs to take action on her own account to really decide who she is. The problem is, Rey doesn’t know what sort of action, if any, she wants to take. 

\---

Bail Thanas is a tall man with a thick patch of dark curly hair on the top of his head. He shakes Pree’s hand with a sweaty grip and places a wet kiss on Rey’s hand in greeting when they arrive at the penthouse. 

“I remember you!” Thanas says, intrigued. “The Jakku girl.”

It is in moments like this where Rey wishes she could communicate thoughts with Pree. 

_You owe me your life,_ she would say. 

“Thanks for having me,” Rey says as kindly as she can. As bad as it had been to accept this invite, Pree had made it _worse._ The short purple dress he got for her didn’t fit quite right around her chest and made Rey feel like she was suffocating. It wasn’t that she didn’t like dresses, it was just that _this_ dress was possibly the worst dress in all the galaxy. 

Thanas greets Pree with a hard slap on the back which makes Pree look wildly out of his element. Oh, Rey would pay to see the socially smooth Pree look _that_ put off again. She’s sure she’ll have quite a few more opportunities during lunch. 

And she does. Rey quickly understands that the reason Bail Thanas invited one of his employees to lunch is because he’s such an awful person that he probably doesn’t have any _friends._ Pree is right though, the food _is_ delicious, and she’s quite convinced the soup served is the best thing she’s ever tasted in her entire life. 

It is not long before Rey really begins to drift out of the conversation. She has no need to talk about the financial capital on Coruscant, or potential new trading routes with the Mid-Rim. 

“Aren’t you from Jakku, Rey?” Pree asks politely. Rey nods absently, still lost in her own thoughts and watching her spoon swirl around in the bowl of soup.

“Apparently, the First Order announced today that they’re beginning infrastructure work on Jakku,” Pree says. 

Rey’s heart seems to stop beating. 

Thanas huffs. “No offense, girl, but I don’t know why you’d start _there_ out of anywhere in the galaxy. I mean, what is there on Jakku, anway?”

“Little people,” Rey says to herself. 

“What?”

“Nevermind.” She shakes her head, arranging a smile on her face for the two men. “That’s… that’s great.”

“Are you sure you’re alright? You’re looking rather green, dear.”

_Jakku. He’s helping Jakku._

It’s just another piece to add to the puzzle of Kylo Ren that Rey cannot entirely understand. _Why_ would he help Jakku? Maybe it wasn’t him. Maybe it was some high officer who thought Jakku would look like good charity work… 

But Rey can’t convince herself of that. She knows this is Kylo’s doing and is not sure at all what it means for her. Is she supposed to _thank_ him for his resources on Jakku? Perhaps if he wasn’t annexing the entire galaxy she’d consider it. A small dose of kindness does not equally counteract the harshness of his reign. She must remind herself of that. 

“I’ll have to ask the Supreme Leader about that at the Benefactor Gala. Need to make sure my money’s going where I’ll see it back, you know?”

Rey’s fork slips from her hand and clamours onto her plate. 

“Y-You’re going to see the Supreme Leader?”

Beside her, Pree looks utterly _bewildered._ But Rey can’t spare him a glance right now. 

“The last transmission said he’s decided to make his first public appearance at the Gala. It’s a _masquerade_ now,” Bale says rather distastefully. “Seems a bit cliche to me.”

Rey’s thoughts begin to spin quicker than she can place them. Kylo is… helping Jakku. Is this his way of sending her a message? She can’t be sure without asking him. But she _can’t_ ask him. 

Rey is silent for the rest of the meal. If Kylo Ren is attending a gala, that means he has something big to announce. She knows the man would never attend a party without motivation. He’s simply not the type. 

But what could he have to _say?_ This is what worries her. Is it a new superweapon? A plot to destroy the Resistance? Suddenly, her distance from her friends in the Resistance feels very wide. If he announces a new project to his benefactors and the Resistance doesn’t know about it, well… wouldn’t that be her fault? She needs to do something. 

Rey takes a look at Pree beside her, who is painstakingly making his way through casual work conversation. She doesn’t want to have to leave him, to leave this place. Perhaps giving the Resistance a jump on the Order’s plans will buy her _more_ time. They can strategize, and she can stay hidden away. She can get a message to them without returning, right? Or maybe Kylo isn’t just speaking to his benefactors, but will be talking on the Holonet as well. In that case, she doesn’t need to do anything at all. 

Rey bites her lip. It’s a gamble to stay and to go. If she could potentially learn crucial information for the Resistance, well, that would be the most important thing she could possibly do. Despite her qualms, she _believes_ in their mission. It isn’t a belief that breaks because of falling friendships. But if she goes, so much worse could happen. Rey could be caught, captured, and killed. Kylo Ren would notice her and sound the alarms. _Kylo wouldn’t do that,_ she thinks. But still Rey is unsure. The man she spent time with on Centares surely wouldn’t, but isn’t that the same man from Starkiller Base, the same man from Crait? She can’t trust him. 

What did Thanas say? _A masquerade._ Perhaps hiding in plain sight would be incredibly simple. Kylo wouldn’t even have to know she was attending. Rey could arrive on the arm of Bail Thanas and sink into the background, eavesdropping for key information before taking it back to the Resistance. Would doing this mean she had to go back and face her friends? Rey tucks the thought away. 

When Pree goes to the restroom near the end of the meal, Rey speaks before she can fully decide if this idea is insane or genius. 

“Take me with you,” Rey says. Bail Thanas laughs. 

“I’m sorry, to what exactly?”

“The Benefactor Gala. I could be your date.”

“I’m not in the habit of taking tenants to such formal functions, girl.”

She groans. Perhaps if she’s more… charming. 

“I’ve been _dying_ to go on one of those First Order ships,” she says. “And to go with _you,_ would be such an honor.”

“I don’t bring dates,” Thanas says, rather resolute. 

Rey leans in slightly towards the table and this time, she puts a bit of persuasion behind her words. “ _You will invite me to attend the Gala with you_.”

Thanas blinks, bewildered. “I will invite you to attend the Gala with me,” he parrots. Rey tries to ignore the twinge of guilt beneath the surface. _It’s harmless,_ she thinks. _Besides, he’s a bad person._ But what does it say of her that she’s willing to do this to him?

“Rey, would you like to be my guest? It would be my pleasure.”

“Yes, thank you,” she says quickly before the man can think about it too much. 

When Pree returns, he is surprised to hear from Bail Thanas’ lips that Rey has accepted his offer to attend the Benefactor Gala. 

“You are aware that it's a _First Order_ Gala, right?” Pree says as innocently as he can. Rey might be private, but Pree is certainly privy to her feelings about the Order. 

“Oh yes, I think I’ve quite always wanted to see the _Finalizer._ Besides, Bail here is such a conversationalist. How could I miss the opportunity?”

Pree stares at her like she’s grown a second head. “I… couldn’t agree more,” Pree says archly. He watches Rey very closely from that point on as she converses with Thanas about the logistics of getting to and from the _Finalizer._

On their descent back down to their apartment, Pree is silent. It is only when they walk back into their apartment that Pree snaps. 

“Okay, _what the hell is going on?_ Thanas is a slimy asshole. _You_ told me that. What—why—I just don’t understand.”

“He offered, I accepted.”

“You _accept_ when your landlord wants to lower the rent, not when he offers to take you into the _heart of a military regime_ that you seem to hate. And don’t contradict me on that last part. I haven’t pried, Rey, because it isn’t my business. But I know you’re not fond of the Order.”  
“Is anyone?” she answers. 

“Yes. Not me, but yes. People with money. People like Thanas who will funnell their credits into whatever will keep them at the top. Why would you _ever_ agree to something like that?”

“I like dancing,” Rey responds. “I’ve never done proper dancing like they do at Galas, but I’ve always wanted to.”

Pree narrows his eyes and studies her for a long moment. Rey can feel the lie running through her veins like a poison. 

“Very well,” Pree says evenly. “Well, if you’re going to do something as absurd as this, I might as well teach you a few basic dance steps so you don’t desecrate your image.”

  
  



	19. Gala

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're interested in what's happening in my ~imagination~, I'm picturing Rey wearing the green dress from the film atonement but in black. I've linked a pic [here](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/7c/f2/1c/7cf21c761ca0df8ca9da5445e7aa47d7.jpg)

The _Finalizer,_ although a horrible, terrifying place, is a feat of technology like Rey has seldom been able to explore. She’s spent her life in shells of ships like this, but being on one is something else entirely. _Especially_ when she’s not being held prisoner. Rey tries to commit every passegway and face that she can to memory—except the face part isn’t really possible, considering everyone is wearing a mask. 

Blending in is easier than she thought it would be. As Rey and Thanas get to the back of the line for guests waiting to be announced into the Gala, she realizes just how much she is dressed like all of the other women. Her black silky dress is loose fitting on the top and flowing on the floor, with two stretches of fabric gathered at the front of her waist. Rey would _never_ have found a dress like this on her own, but Pree had been insistent on finding her something to wear if she was going to a First Order event. 

Rey is grateful for the fashion advice of her friend now even if the dress is a little bit… less fabric than anything she would’ve chosen. It’s _entirely_ impractical by all standards, which she supposes is part of the appeal. She adjusts the strap of the black silk ribbon holding her mask onto her face and sighs. Tonight is going to be a _long_ night with Thanas by her side. But Rey will endure it if it means gathering intelligence for the Resistance. They would’ve even _know_ about this event if it wasn’t for her. She has to be doing the right thing. 

Her motivations are entirely pure, she reminds herself. There is no other reason to be here other than intelligence, and no person that will likely be in the crowd. 

_You’re not here to see him, you’re here to gather information for the Resistance._ She repeats the mantra to try and make it true. 

“Your name, miss?”

Rey blinks. They have reached the front of the line and a First Order officer is staring right at her.

“What? Sorry.” 

The officer does not look amused. “Your _name,_ ” he repeats.

“Oh! Uhm… Kira.”

Beside her, Thanas frowns. “You’re not—”

She turns to him quietly and gives a persuading whisper. “ _You will call me Kira tonight.”_

Thanas nods. Rey has to do this. She isn’t sure who possibly could be lurking in this crowd that might recognize her given name. 

“Kira what?” The officer asks. 

“Just Kira.”

“No surname?”

“No. Just Kira.”

The officer grumbles something sounding sort of like _ridiculous_ but Rey doesn’t quite hear him. She winds her arm into Thanas’ and the two step through the doors at the mouth of the Hangar that has been repurposed into a sort of ballroom for the night. 

The voice of the officer is magnified throughout the Hangar so that not a single voice could possibly miss the entrance of the two new guests.

“Allow me to announce Mr. Bail Thanas and Miss Kira!”

The instant Rey steps into the room, she is overwashed with this bursting sensation of warmth in her chest. Her breath catches, and she nearly stumbles. Luckily, her arm is still looped through her date’s and he doesn’t even seem to notice any strangeness as they walk into the room. 

Immediately, Bail Thanas catches a familiar face on the other side of the room and Rey is dragged along beside him. They meet a land developing Twi’lek named Derra and a cohort of First Order officers with names Rey tries to commit to memory. All the while she stands quietly by the side of Thanas and listens. After a long few minutes of observing conversation, Rey allows herself one look up to the front of the room, where an obsidian throne is placed on a raised platform. On top of the throne, looking at her heatedly through an elegant grey and silver mask that covers half of his face, is Kylo Ren. 

Rey looks away quickly. It has to be a coincidence. He surely couldn’t know it’s _her_ from across the room. There are thousands of Kiras in the galaxy, hell, there could be another one in this _room._ And she had said it herself that she’s blending in with everybody else, so he couldn’t be staring at her from this far away. She’s just being naive. 

They make their way over to the food tables where Rey manages to eat a few bites. Her stomach is so nervous that it’s really impossible to enjoy anything tonight. A few minutes later, General Hux stands up on the stage, and quiet falls over the room. He might be wearing a dark mask, but Rey could recognize that crop of orange hair anywhere at this point. 

“Thank you for joining us tonight,” he says. “It is because of your contributions that the Order is able to achieve its mission of bringing true leadership to the galaxy.” 

The audience applauds. Rey feels as if she is going to be sick. 

Hux introduces Kylo, and as soon as he rises from the chair members of the audience begin to bow. Rey follows quickly, and the moment she looks back up it feels as if his eyes have fallen on her, all the way in the back of the room. 

“For years, we have fought to bring order to this fractured galaxy,” Kylo says. “You have supported us. You have believed, just as the late Supreme Leader Snoke did, that what this galaxy needs is a firm and knowing hand to guide it.” 

Many nod in agreement. 

“Since the Order’s creation, we have been barraged by baseless attacks by a group attempting to send our galaxy into chaos. Today, I announce to you that this group is no more. _The Resistance is dead.”_

Rey gasps along with the rest of the crowd. The Resistance is _not_ dead. Kylo _knows_ this. Why… why would he say such a thing? His _mother_ is still out there fighting. She can’t figure out his angle, not with all of the gala guests chattering excitedly. As soon as Kylo resumes his place on the throne, a quartet begins to play. 

Thanas turns to her. “Dance with me.”

Rey nods absently. Surely standing around in shock is not a good idea.

_The Resistance is dead._

That is a lie. Kylo Ren is lying. 

Bale slides his arm down to place a hand on her bare back, and Rey places her arms on his shoulders. 

“I was unsure about bringing you tonight, but you look divine,” Thanas says. “Everybody is talking about you, surely. What a boost for my reputation.”

“Glad I could help,” she replies cooly. Thanas seems to sense her irritated temperament, because he laughs. 

“It’s the best thing that could happen to you, really. What else are you planning to do? Live in a tiny apartment on Coruscant for the rest of your life? These people have _connections, they_ have _money_.”

 _They have secrets,_ she thinks. _Dark, insidious secrets._

“And any of them could put you on a track where you’d never work a day in your life.”

“Working every day for what you have is not such a terrible fate,” Rey says. 

“No, but it is a common one.”

She sighs, then changes the subject. “What do you think of the Supreme Leaders announcement?”

“It’s long overdue. Those people fought for nothing but a poor person’s dream of freedom. The Order is about structure and rules.”

Rey’s stomach churns. “You truly believe they’re gone?”

“It just confirms what we already knew. Nobody has seen them since Crait, anyway. I’m not surprised Ren finished them off.”

Rey’s eyes drift anywhere but Thanas. A few people are watching them, surely. He’s a high profile guest and she’s a woman in a mask that nobody can recognize. But out of all the eyes in the room, there is only one pair that Rey can _feel_ is watching her. From far away, Kylo Ren’s eyes are trained on her exposed back as she drifts through the crowd with Bail Thanas. She counts her dance steps and movements meticulously in her head so as to not make a mistake, but unfortunately this concentration leaves little to no room for conversation. Still, Rey keeps a smile plastered on her face even as Thanas’ hand feels warm and sweaty on her back. 

Once, her foot falls into the wrong spot and she ends up smashing her heel on top of Thanas’ foot. 

“Sorry!” she squeaks. The man rolls his eyes but says nothing. Rey isn’t sure if she wants to apologize again or punch him in the face. 

When the song ends, he excuses himself to go chat with some wealthy buddies again, and Rey is given the opportunity to inconspicuously slip back into the crowd. She makes her way to the edge of the room and takes a spot by the wall to observe. 

“What a date you’ve got there,” a man says beside her. Rey doesn’t recognize the man, he has a crop of curly blonde hair and a smile like light itself. 

She sighs. “He’s a treasure, for sure. A tall, sweaty treasure.” 

The man smirks. “Such charming qualities. You must feel extremely fortunate.”

“Oh absolutely.” Rey turns to face the man fully and sticks out her hand. “I’m Kira, by the way.” 

He shakes her hand. “Call me Dav,” he says. 

“And how did you receive your lucky invitation, Dav?” 

He points to a short woman with orange hair standing just off to the side of the dancefloor. “My boss,” he explains. “On Canto Bight. Have you ever been?”

Rey shakes her head. She does recall from conversations with Finn and Rose about the elitist wealth culture that pervades the planet. 

“If you like events like this, it’s the place to be.”

“And if I hate this?”

“Don’t come.”

Rey smiles. “I think I’ll stick to home, then. It’s… a little hard to watch this.”

“Which part? The rich getting dressed up to brag about how rich they are? Or the military regime that’s hosting the event?”

Rey’s eyes dart around the space quickly to make sure nobody is overhearing their conversation. Dav is _bold_ to say something like that in a room like this. 

“Both, probably. Though I’m doing my best to keep it to myself.”

Dav steps away from the wall and turns to Rey. “Would you like to dance with me, Kira?”

She smiles. “Sure, why not?”.

Dav takes her hand and begins to lead them back towards the middle of the crowd. “I have to warn you, I’m not the best dancer,” he says. 

Rey laughs. “Thank _goodness._ I was making a fool of myself with Thanas. His moves are much fancier than mine.”

“We’ll be even, then.”

“We will.” Rey smiles. Finally, it seems like maybe there’s a real _person_ at this insufferable event. If only she could stick by Dav for the rest of the night, perhaps glean some information on the Order and wealthy elite from him through his respective contacts… 

Suddenly Dav’s eyes widen as he looks directly above her head. 

“What are—” she begins, but then Rey senses the presence behind her and understands.

“Miss....Kira, is it?”

Rey turns around to see Kylo Ren standing just inches awat from her. Wandering eyes from across the room stare in surprise at the leader who has abandoned his throne to speak to this unknown girl. If Bail Thanas is watching right now, which Rey suspects he now is, he’s probably _astonished_ and too afraid to return. 

“Supreme Leader,” Rey sinks into a deep cordial bow. It doesn’t feel _right_ to bow to him, not at all. But she has to keep up appearances. 

“I do not believe I’ve had the honor of your acquaintance, Kira. Do tell, where are you from?”

“Coruscant.”

“Coruscant,” Kylo repeats. “A vast planet. Very easy to disappear on.”

It is as if the entire party has paused to watch them speak. Rey can already hear the whispers beginning around them. Kylo seems to notice this, too. 

“Would you do me the honor of the next dance?” He asks stoically.

She pauses. The thought of them _dancing,_ of his hands on her back and hers on his shoulders sounds very, very dangerous. 

“I had intended to dance with Mr. Dav next,” Rey responds.

“I think he can wait.” Indeed, the man standing behind Rey looks like he’d rather take a blaster to the head than cut off Kylo Ren. _So_ _much for hating the military regime,_ Rey thinks as her new friend backs away. 

“Very well,” she says, turning back to Kylo. He stares at her strangely for a moment. The music picks up, and Rey falters, unsure what to do with so many eyes on her. Kylo steps forward, and soon she feels the gentle press of his fingers on the skin of her back and another hand pressed against her shoulder. He pulls her close, and Rey wraps her arms around his neck so that the edge of her fingers drag through the bottom of his hair.  
“I’ve always hated dancing,” Kylo says. “The steps are difficult to master. I’d much rather let things be organic.”

Indeed, as the music moves, Rey and Kylo take to more of a drifting and swaying style than actually dancing as she did with Bale Thanas. 

“What an astute observation,” she replies.

He blinks at her, and Rey thinks perhaps that was the wrong answer. But then—

_Rey?_

His voice in her head rings loud and clear.

_Hello._

Kylo exhales. _I wasn’t sure it was you._

 _It’s the dress,_ she says. _It makes me look different._

 _You look beautiful,_ he says, and Rey’s mind goes temporarily blank for a response. 

“Are you well, Supreme Leader?” she blurts out.

Kylo frowns at her change to speaking voice, but follows. 

“I am, thank you.”

“Quite an accomplishment you’ve announced tonight. Allow me to offer my… _sincerest_ congratulations.”

His grip on her waist tightens. 

“Surely eradicating the Resistance was no easy feat. Are you sure there are no sympathizers left?”

“Not a single one,” Kylo responds dryly. 

“How fascinating.”

 _I thought you were off becoming something else,_ he says in her head, _not messing around with any war business._

 _I was._ _I am._

_This is hardly keeping away._

Rey is not quite sure how to respond to that. He’s right. It _isn’t._ But maybe… maybe Rey saw a chance to enter the fray again and just couldn’t help herself. She surely hasn’t given up on the Resistance, even if many people in the galaxy have.

 _I was invited,_ Rey says. _It’s rude to turn down an invitation._

_Bale Thanas doesn’t seem like the type to be in your crowd._

_He’s not._

The music shifts, and Kylo pulls Rey even closer. They’ve never been this close before, never _touched_ as much as they are now with his hands on her bare skin and her fingers in his hair. Rey feels like being this close is both exploring foreign territory and greeting an old home at the same time. Being close to him is just… familiar in an odd way; and also so terrifying that she can’t focus on the sensation for more than a minute without her heart racing. 

Rey looks up at Kylo, desperate to understand any piece of what is transpiring right now. The mask might cover his face, but she can see his eyes, dark and searching. 

This was not the plan _at all,_ Rey realizes. In the moment he came up to her, Rey took on a role at this party that is certainly _not_ unassuming. How is she supposed to hide and gather intel now? She’s the girl who danced with the kriffing _Supreme Leader._ Everyone will want to know who she is. 

_Tell me why you’re here, Rey._

_I just told you._

She bites her lip. Kylo takes a sharp breath. 

_You don’t have to lie to me._

_I’m not._

_It is dangerous for you to be here._

_I know._

Rey closes her eyes and leans in closer. Just another minute and the song will be over. Then she can return to Thanas, and brush off her encounter with the Supreme Leader as a confusing coincidence, and all of this will be over… 

“Have things been peaceful these past few weeks, Kira?”

“They’ve been quiet.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

Rey sighs. “ _No,_ they haven’t been peaceful. I still haven’t… figured anything out.”

“Ah,” Kylo says. “It’s not as easy as you think to discover who you are. We can’t just _think_ our way to full potential, can we?”

“I suppose not.”

Kylo swallows. 

_I waited for you to call to me. You could’ve._

“And then what?” she asks. 

“Well I owe you some reading, and I thought perhaps…” he trails off. Rey notices his eyes are trained just below _her_ eye level, seemingly looking directly at… her lips. 

_You don’t have to hide from me, Rey. I said I would be there for you and I meant it._

_If I took off this mask the entire room would try to murder me._

_I would stop it._

_No, you wouldn’t. Not with your title on the line._

It feels as if the whole world is watching them dance. But Rey can’t see anyone else but him. 

“I know you think that,” Kylo says aloud. “But that night on Centares, before we were attacked, there was something I wanted to tell you. But I couldn’t—I was afraid.”

She looks up at him, bewildered. “ _Afraid_? Of what.”

“Of you,” Kylo blushes. “Ridiculous, I know. You’re just… _you_. But that’s the thing, and I—”

The song ends. Every eye in the room watches to see if Kira and Kylo Ren will dance again. This has already been enough attention for the night. Rey politely steps away. 

“Thank you, Supreme Leader. If you’ll excuse me, I must get back to Mr. Thanas.”

Kylo opens his mouth to say something. Perhaps to ask her to dance again, or to finish his thought. But before he can gather any words, Rey turns and disappears back into the crowd.


	20. Crux

Rey makes her way over to the bar. Luckily, Kylo doesn’t follow her and Bale Thanas doesn’t come looking. People constantly glance her way as Rey orders herself a glass of champagne, but she doesn’t even care anymore. Nobody is bold enough to come talk to her, anway. 

She’d run from him, again. In the moment Kylo Ren was about to tell her _something,_ Rey had fled. To do what? Stand at the bar? She downs the glass of champagne quickly, winces at the bubbly taste, and orders another glass. 

What was Kylo _thinking_ to ambush her like that? Rey had come here to stay in the shadows. She hadn’t even passed by him, let alone _approached_ him out of nowhere. And now she was a very dangerous woman of interest. If what Bale Thanas said before had been ture, it was certainly going to be worse now. The wealthy elite would all be scouring Coruscant to find the girl who had danced with Kylo Ren. She could hardly return to her apartment where Thanas would surely rat her out. 

Rey is extremely screwed. 

It isn’t until she’s had her first sip of champagne the second glass of champagne that she notices the figure standing next to her. Hux. 

“I don’t believe we’ve met,” Hux says smoothly. Rey pushes down the sick feeling in her chest and turns to greet him. 

“Kira,” she says. “And you’re… Hux I presume?”

“General Hux. How could you tell? The mask is just _so_ secretive.”

“The hair,” Rey says. “You can’t hide it.”

Hux nods, then studies her. Rey feels like the tip of a sharp blade is being held to her throat. Hux is as sharp as a knife, and equally as dangerous. 

“Tell me, Kira, how do you know our esteemed Supreme Leader?”

“I don’t. We just met.”

Hux takes a sip of his champagne and leans on the counter. “Did you? Fascinating.”

“He just asked me to dance. I’m not sure why.”

“Well it’s obvious _why_ ,” Hux says, and Rey blushes. “He’s quite brash to ask you like that, I must say. The leader of the First Order should show a bit more decorum.”

“He was very polite,” Rey responds. THe last thing she needs to be is the source of any offense. Hux snorts. 

“What a _new_ thing for him. I’ll warn you, Kira, that gentleness is not exactly his forte.”

“But it is yours?”

“Oh no,” Hux chuckles. “But I, at least, take a little bit of _ownership_ for the man that I am. Kylo Ren does not.”

Rey needs to get away from Hux, _now_. 

“Well he really was quite polite. Now if you’ll excuse me—”

“How unfortunate it would be to see the Supreme Leader _disposed_ of. Luckily his incredible attentiveness has built a great reliance within the ranks and he is, of course, safe.”

She stares at Hux. Does he mean to imply… yes, he does. 

“I should never speak ill of the Supreme Leader in any context,” Rey says, though her heart is racing. “Though I am afraid my opportunity to speak highly of him is very limited, as we have, after all, only shared one dance.”

“Of course,” Hux nods. “I trust I shall see you around, Kira.”

Rey nods, and General Hux disappears back into the crowd. 

Genuinely, Rey cannot believe the conversation that has just transpired. Did General Hux just allude to an attempt to _kill_ Kylo Ren? Now, the false announcement that the Resistance is dead is one thing, but inside knowledge of a coup is something else entirely. She _has_ to tell the Resistance. A fractured First Order would be much easier to defeat. 

There is somebody else she should probably tell. Rey looks up to see Kylo Ren sitting on his throne, though now his attention is taken away by a group of investors. Hux made no mention of _when_ or _how_ he plans to kill Kylo, so the information might be quite useless to him in terms of protecting himself. 

Telling Kylo is the ultimate betrayal to the Resistance. It could solve all of her problems to have Hux take Kylo out. The mutiny that could take over would make all the difference in their fight. If she tells him, Kylo might _intervene_ and then she’d be back at square one. The information sits heavy in her chest. Can she really keep this from him? 

Rey needs some space to think. Her eyes scan the exits to the hangar, and in the far corner of the room beside the throne she sees a small door that could go unnoticed if one wasn’t looking for it. _There_. Quickly she skirts around the outside of the room, careful not to drag any extra attention to herself, and slips out the door. 

It turns out to lead down a long lowly lit hallway with black metal walls. Farther down towards the right is a window that looks out into deep space. Rey makes her way down the hallway and leans on the rail in front of the window, staring out into the endless expanse of the universe. 

Sometimes her life seems so big. She’s a Jedi, she’s a Force user, she's the _last of the light,_ as some think. But here Rey realizes that there are things much bigger than her or Kylo Ren or even the Resistance and First Order. They’re all just _people._ How can people compare to the massive light of glowing stars?

“Rey.” She turns around at the sound of her name—her _real_ name—to see Kylo Ren standing at the entrance to the dark hallway, watching her.

“How are you here?” she asks. 

“I saw you leave.”

He had been talking to a huge group of people and Rey had been on the other side of a crowd. How did he _see_ ? How did he _leave?_

“What are you doing?” Kylo watches her closely.

Rey turns away from the window to face him.

“I—I needed some space. Too many people,” she stammers. Kylo takes a single step towards her. A long expanse of distance still lies between them. 

“You look like you’re going to be sick.”

“It’s the champagne.”

“No it’s not.”

She rolls her eyes. “You think you know _everything_. What if it is? What if I’m just feeling dizzy and you followed me in here like—”

“Like what?”

She swallows. “Like you wanted to be alone with me or something.”

Kylo nods, taking another step forward. “And what if I did? Want to be alone with you, I mean.”

“But you don’t.”

“Of course.” He says, eyeing her. “After everything we’ve been through, after every fight and conversation and connection, there is no possible way I’d _ever_ want to be alone with you, right?”

“People will ask questions if they notice we’ve both disappeared.”

“You’re wrong,” Kylo says. Rey frowns. 

“What?”

“You’re wrong. They’re _already_ asking questions. The minute you walked in the room, people started asking questions. You caught their attention.”

“It’s Bail Thanas,” she says. “He never brings a date.”

“It’s _you_ . He never brings _you,_ Rey. People can’t help but watch you.”

He clears the space between them, and Rey backs up abruptly until she feels the cool press of the metal wall against her exposed back. Kylo stands barely a foot away. 

“I can see something is worrying you. I can _feel_ it.” The sound of his voice, low and smooth, makes her shiver. 

“Nothing is wrong. Like I said, just the champagne.”

“Did somebody see you? Do you need to escape? Tell me what happened.”

She shakes her head. Telling him would betray the Resistance, it would—

Kylo reaches a single hand up into his hair and pulls on the tied end of the ribbon holding his mask into place. Slowly it falls, and Rey is left staring at his bare face. The thin line of the scar she left on his face so long ago has not been hidden. Kylo reaches out to lift the white mask from Rey’s face. She suppresses a gasp at the feeling of his fingers lightly bruising up against her cheek. 

Their faces are just inches from each other. 

Rey studies his face while conflict runs through her thoughts. She can’t tell him what Hux said because it would betray the Resistance. But, she realizes, keeping it to herself would be an even greater betrayal. She would be betraying herself. And so the truth slips out.

_It’s Hux. He’s going to kill you._

Silence. Rey holds her breath. 

_I know._

She gasps. “How do you know that?”

“It isn’t hard to infer.” 

She glares at him. This _ridiculous_ man knows he’s about to be on the receiving end of a murder, and yet he’s just so _indifferent._

“Then why is he still _here?_ ”

Kylo sighs, running a hand through his styled dark hair. “It’s all a game here, you can’t wipe all the pieces from the board or people will think you’re cheating.”

She sneers. _“_ It’s not a _game._ This is your _life_.”

Kylo raises an eyebrow. “Which you’re so insistent on protecting now, apparently.”

Rey glowers at him. 

_Don’t act like that._

_Like what?_

_Like this is a joke. Like there is anything to be other than serious when your life is in the balance._

_You wanted to kill me for over a year, Rey._

_This is different._

_How so?_ _  
_

_I was never actually going to do it._

He looks at her intensely. Rey feels, for a sudden moment, afraid. But not that he’s going to hurt her, or that anything necessarily _bad_ is going to happen, more afraid of what _else_ could transpire. 

“Do you really mean that?”

She nods. “I was putting it off because I didn’t want to do it. I think the bond… it made me ask questions I still haven’t answered. Even after Crait.”

“You wanted to kill me on Crait,” he says. “I… disappointed you on _Supremacy_.”

Rey shakes her head. “No—I mean, you did disappoint me. But more I disappointed myself. I thought I could save you from this and I can’t.”

“I don’t need saving, Rey. Not then, not today. I’m doing what I must.”

“I know that now. It’s just…. I always wondered, you know, what would’ve happened if you had gone with me.”  
“They would have killed me. My mother would’ve killed me.”  
“Leia wouldn’t want that.”

“Yes she would. And did you ever consider what would’ve happened if you had taken my offer?”

She shakes her head. Not even in her most desperate moments could Rey allow herself to think what would’ve happened if she had said yes to Kylo. 

“You can still join me, Rey. I’ll wait for you.”

“You know I won’t—”

“Join the Order, I know. And let me remind you that _I don’t mean the First Order._ I said join _me,_ and I meant it. In any and every capacity.”

Rey feels her heart twist at this reminder. If she could just have him and not the Order…. well, she doesn’t know what she would do. It’s impossible, anyway. 

“I never should have come,” she ducks away from his stare. “It was stupid of me to think I could do _anything_ useful here. I’ve risked everything to—” She stops herself. 

“To what?”

Rey looks away. “Nevermind, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“ _To what, Rey?”_

To help the Resistance. To feel useful. To come on the _Finalizer._ To… 

“I don’t know,” she confesses. “Alright? I don’t know why I’m here, Kylo. Every single day I try to understand what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, but I just keep coming back to this same conclusion. _I don’t know.”_

“You’ll figure it out eventually. These sorts of things take time.”

“I don’t _have_ time. I can’t go back to Coruscant anymore because we danced and now everyone is going to be asking Bail Thanas who I am. I can’t go back to the Resistance because I’ve betrayed them, and there's nothing else for me. The clock has run out for me to figure out what it is that I want.”

Rey takes a full breath to try and stop herself from crying. It’s not that she doesn’t feel like crying, it’s that she doesn’t want to do it in front of _him._

“Where am I supposed to go now? I have nothing left.”

“You have me.”

Any resolve Rey has been holding inside of her shatters. _“Stop saying things like that!_ You’re always saying you’re on my side, and you care about me and it tortures me because I have _no idea_ what you mean and I just need to—”

He reaches up, his fingers cupping her face. Rey’s words stutter to a halt at the sudden connection. 

“I mean the minute you need me, Rey, I am here for you. Forget the Resistance and the Order. Forget it all.”

“We _can’t_ forget it. You won’t forget it.”

“I think you’re underestimating me.”

Kylo’s other hand reaches up to brush a curl off of Rey’s face. There are strands of his own dark hair hanging loosely on his forehead. She could reach up and brush them off herself, if she wanted. Rey can imagine what hair would really feel like in her hands—soft and supple and absolutely perfect. If she reached for him, she would never want to let go. 

Rey sighs. “I can’t… just forget what you’ve done—terrible, horrible things. I can’t… let you help me, even now.”  
“Even if you need it?”

“ _Because_ I need it. Kriff, Kylo, you’re walking around this ship playing games with a man who wants to kill you, flouting your own death like it’s some sort of prize. What about the people who have already died by _your_ hand? Did they have the same choice?”

Kylo’s hands drop from her face. “Every choice I’ve made has been for the betterment of the galaxy.”

“You’re wrong.” Rey says. “You might think that the destruction you’ve caused serves a higher purpose, that people you never have to see are expendable, but you’re _wrong._ ”

She can’t even bring herself to look at him when he says things like that. 

"If I’m so wrong, Rey, then advise me. _Stay._ ” 

She looks up at him. 

“I can’t stay here, Kylo.”

_Not after all you’ve done._

Kylo says nothing back to her after that, after her deepest confession rings in their ears. No matter how twisting and vexing Rey’s feelings may be, no matter the brewing obsession with the sensation of his fingers on her skin, she can’t forgive him for the terrible things he has done. 

Especially when he doesn’t even want to admit they were wrong. 

Rey grabs her mask from his hand, turns away, and begins to walk back the door into the gala. She knows now that wherever her belonging is, it isn’t on the _Finalizer._ Kylo must know she’s leaving, Rey realizes. He must sense it in her through the bond. 

She pauses just before opening the door to fasten her mask back on her face.

_Are you going to try and stop me?_

She pushes open the door and bursts back into the room. She is halfway across the hangar when his response flitters into her mind. 

_No, Rey._

She can’t go back to the Resistance, or to Coruscant. A heavy shame washes over Rey’s body as she realizes that, try as she might to escape this fate, she is still a person without a place to truly belong. 

And so, Rey runs to the only place where she knows how to survive. 

She runs home.


	21. Fear

Jakku’s air is thick and heated, even in the late afternoon light. 

Rey dropped her First Order ship at a spaceport near the Finalizer and quickly found a smuggler willing to transport her to Jakku for cheap. 

The whole time she felt a profound hollowness settling inside of her. For months, Rey had been trying to convince herself that her destiny was worth more than this planet. But now she can see that it isn’t. Circumstance had pulled her off, and now she has to pull herself back. There is nowhere else for her to go and survive. 

She reaches Niima with only a small pack on her side. Selling the dress had been an unfortunate necessity, but now she’s got enough portions to last her for quite a long time. The memories the dress held will stick with her for much longer, particularly the look passing over Kylo’s face when he finally shed his mask in the hallway outside the hangar. The thought makes her shiver again. 

Rey sticks to the edges of her home settlement, looking to make her way back to the AT-AT without an altercation with Plutt tonight. _That_ is a problem for the morning. 

She supposes there are fates worse than returning home. Rey had sworn to herself she would never return to this place, but now that she’s here, it feels more like a comfort rather than anything else to know that life at Niima has gone relatively undisturbed. She might’ve been fighting for the fate of the galaxy, but scavengers still scavenge and thieves still steal. There are still young and old and good and bad people all coexisting in the same space, just as she remembers it. 

Two little boys trudge ahead of her towards the outpost, dragging piles of scraps just like she has done so many times. Looking at them, Rey can’t believe she was this young and surviving on her own. Hearing the lives of her friends opened her up to just how different her childhood _was_. She had nobody to look out for her, nobody to comfort her or tell her what was right from wrong. Everything Rey knew in those days came from her own opinions. 

She quickens her pace and taps one of the boys on the shoulder. The kids both wince and turn around to see her, probably a clean faced stranger, staring down at them. 

“Are you heading to Plutt?” she asks. Both of the boys nod. 

Rey fishes into her bag and pulls out a few portions, handing a few to each of the boys. 

“Those should last you the week. Do you have somewhere to stay?” The smaller one of the two nods, then points off into the sandy distance. 

Rey nods. “If you need somewhere to go I live in an AT-AT in the Badlands. You can always stay there, alright?”

The boys take the portions and stick them in the waistbands of their pants before rushing away. She takes a speeder out to the Badlands just as the sun is beginning to dip beneath the dunes. Nights on Jakku are not exactly pleasant, and Rey wants to get inside before it is too dark to see. 

Knowing she had to go home was one thing, but seeing it was another. 

Her home is a tomb. It isn’t a _home,_ really, now that Rey looks at it properly. It’s a metal shell worn by sand and harsh wind with artifacts inside. She wonders if anything has been looted since she left. 

But she just can’t cross the threshold. She _can’t_ . Coming home is failure, it is admitting that everything other people said about her is true. She’s a shit Jedi, a shit _person,_ really. A person who is destined to sit and watch from the sidelines because she can never make the right choice. 

She thinks back to the last time she left this place with BB-8. Rey had full intent to return at the time. She never could’ve imagined the fate that was about to befall her. Things like that just didn’t _happen_ to people from Jakku, not ever. And yet, by some miracle of fate of the Force, it did. What she still can’t figure out is _why_. Was finding Luke fulfillment of her entire purpose? Rey can’t help but feel over and over again like her destiny is unfinished, but the true ending is not one she wants to face.

It’s not easy to be a person with a fate. She could’ve lived on this planet her entire life, wanting and longing, and although it would’ve been sad to live that way, Rey can see how the simplicity of it is now so appealing. It was easier to live in a place like this when she didn’t fully understand what else was out there. Now she’s seen the green places and the cities and the space ports and felt how they call her. But she can’t be in them because she’s just not enough. Jakku is her place. She was pulled from it, now she is pushed back. 

“I have to admit, I never thought I’d see this place in person.”

Rey turns around and— _unbelievable,_ really, she’s getting quite tired of this— Kylo walks towards her in the evening light with his cape blowing out in the wind behind him. 

“Go away,” she hisses. “Close the bond or something. I don’t care. Just _go._ ”

Kylo frowns, then opens his mouth to speak. 

“You know what? Nevermind. Just—don’t say anything else, _please._ I need to get unpacked.”

His eyes flick down to the small bag on her side. “Doesn’t look like that should take you too long. But you’ve got to go inside first, I presume.”

“I’m _going_.” She turns back to the door frame, but her feet won’t budge. If Rey could just take a single step—

“Let me ask you something—is this what you want?”

“I don’t have another choice.”

“That’s your doing.”

“Wh—Stop! I don’t need you here to _berate_ me.”

“I’m not. You had another choice but decided it was impossible.”

The other choice is: him. The First Order. She could’ve stayed and—what, then, exactly? Become some sort of Sith under his training? Betrayed and killed all her friends? Been by his side, studies his every move, been his partner, his equal, his _match…_

“I could never turn on my friends like that. I’d rather die.”

He rolls his eyes. “It doesn’t need to be so _dramatic._ So what, you can’t go back to them for whatever reason you’ve built up in your head, I’m out of the running because I’m just so terrible, and Coruscant is out of the question because your identity might be compromised.”

Rey nods. She can see the anger building in Kylo’s face. 

“So you convince yourself it’s hopeless and then you—you just—” he stammers, and he isn’t _mad,_ Rey realizes. He’s _upset._

“There’s a whole _galaxy_ out there, and you ran here. I just—I can’t understand it, Rey.”

“I don’t expect you to.”

“You belong in great places, on great, epic journeys. Not _here_. Not hiding because things are scary.”

“I’m not hiding. I have nowhere else to go.”

“What are you talking about? _There is always another way_ , Rey. I thought you would know that by now.”

Tears stream down her face. “ _No there isn’t._ Out there, people want things from me that I can't give them. I’m tired of pretending like I’m enough when _I’m not.”_

She steps away from him and wraps her arms around herself. “This is where I belong. Go.”

Several moments of silence pass, then Kylo says: “I’m not leaving you here, Rey.”

“Yes you are.”

“ _No, I’m not._ And this time, I don’t care what you want. Because this… this isn’t right. I helped you hide once because you needed the space to figure things out and take your life back. But this isn’t that, Rey. You’re here because you’re _afraid.”_

“I’m not afraid,” she insists. 

“You are. And you know something? So is everyone else. _People are afraid,_ always have been. But that doesn’t mean they hide. They… they follow impossible maps to lost Jedis, and they face down the master of their greatest enemy, and they go hunt to find their lightsaber even when people say it is too dangerous. They _face it. You_ face it. And you’re going to face whatever this… thing is that’s making you think you need to hide from the whole kriffing galaxy.”

“And what about you?” she snaps. “Are you facing your fears, _Kylo?_ Is your staying in the Order being _brave_?”  
He grimaces. 

“If I’m hiding, so are you. Let’s not forget that.”

Kylo studies her for a moment, and whatever he sees on her face seems to inforrm what he says next. 

“Then let's not hide anymore. Just come with me and we’ll figure it out.”

She opens her mouth to snap back a reply but it falls dry in her mouth. _Let’s not hide anymore._ How could he make such a promise to her?

“You don't mean that,” she says. “Having me out of the way would be the best thing that could ever happen to you.”

Kylo huffs, seemingly exhausted by their constant back and forth. Rey is tired too. She wishes they could just reach a conclusion for _once._ Either agree on something or walk away.

“For once, Kira, stop trying to convince yourself that you know me better than I know myself. I don’t lie to you. I couldn’t.”

She knows this to be true. And yet, to go with him, it is such a strange path that Rey had not foreseen. She cannot predict its nature. 

“You’re not even _here,_ ” she reasons. “What are you going to do? Take a ship from the _Finalizer_ and come track me down? I got here through passage with a smuggler. Departure was never my intention.”

He steps forward, taking her shoulders into his hands. Rey gasps at the feeling of his hands—his _real, solid_ hands on her shoulders. She stares up at Kylo, her mouth agape.

“How—”

“I would never make you face this place alone,” he says softly. 

Rey shakes under his touch. 

“I—are you here, _physically?_ ”

“I’m really here,” he nods. “I left as soon as you did. And I can take you anywhere in the galaxy.”

She stares at him in shock. He’d said he would be here for her, but _this_ —this is different than she expected. For the Supreme Leader to just up and leave such an important event without notice is surely going to cause a great mess for him. And yet he did it. 

For her.

“All my life I waited here for somebody to show up and want me,” she says softly. “But leaving didn’t help. I thought I would be somebody else out there, but every second I spent out there was for other people, too. I don’t want to go back to that. I’m sorry.”

Kylo nods intently. “If you come with me, Rey, it is not because I need you to be something but because it is what you _deserve._ I’ll take you anywhere. I’ll leave you there and never return if that’s what you want. Just—don’t make me leave you here.It isn’t right.”

She stares at him as her mind battles through the logistics. Rey had conceded to hide here but perhaps if he can help her, she can hide somewhere that holds less pain. 

“If you know of somewhere else I can go and be undetected that’s better than here, I’ll… consider it.”

A small, faint light shines in Kylo Ren’s eyes. 

“I know a place,” he says, extending a hand to her. “If you’ll join me for the journey, that is.”

Rey’s eyes drift to his gloved hand. It is a risk to trust him now, just as it was on Centares and Lothal and Achc-To and _Supremacy._ Nothing with Kylo Ren will ever be entirely certain, Rey realizes. She may always encounter this fear with him, even if he has given her reason to believe she is trustworthy. So, with a heavy knot in her stomach, she finally accepts his hand. 

“I’ll go,” she says, then quickly scans the horizon. “But not now. It’s not safe to travel to your ship at night. We’re going to have to stay here until morning.”

Kylo accepts this proposal, and Rey thinks he would accept _anything_ at this point to get her off this planet. Perhaps her own misery bleeds through the bond and hurts him, too. He’s probably trying to absolve himself of some sort of personal plight by assisting her. 

She leads him inside her small AT-AT and discovers crossing the threshold isn’t so difficult with another person. Rey’s hand is still interlocked with Kylo’s and she finds she doesn’t _mind._ It’s just for… support. And the way he’s looking at her, well, that’s just support too. He knows this is difficult for her. He’s being… supportive. 

Everything is covered in a thick layer of sand as Rey expected. Her hammock seems to remain fairly intact, although Rey feels a little guilty at the prospect of sleeping on it while making Kylo sleep on the floor. That is, until she remembers that he is the super-wealthy Supreme Leader of the galaxy and _deserves_ a rough night sleeping on the floor, even after helping her. He could do quite well to know how so many in the galaxy sleep. 

Kylo’s eyes seem to scan and document every inch of the space.

 _It wasn’t so bad,_ she thinks quickly. _Living here, it wasn’t bad._

Of course that isn’t true, but the last thing Rey wants right now is the sympathy of a man who grew up never having to worry about food or essential resources. 

“It just makes a lot of sense,” he says. “For how you are. This all seems just like you.”

She narrows her eyes. “What do you mean ‘ _just like you’?_ ”

He turns to her. “I mean, you’re a very singular and goal-oriented person. You can tell that here. Everything has a purpose, like one by one you built these things for yourself.” 

He kicks the sand off the top of his boot. 

“You’ve always been so independent. But I can… see it here.”

“I didn’t have a choice,” she snaps. He turns to her, his eyes grabbing her attention. 

“I know. The Force was not kind to you.”

Rey turns away. “Kind or not, it doesn’t matter. This was my life. I lived it.”

“And it’s in the past.”

She nods. “It’s in the past. Or it will be, tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” Kylo affirms. “But tonight, Rey, tell me about Jakku. Tell me, and let it go.”

  
  



	22. Stories

Rey thinks it might be impossible to sleep beside another person. Since her and Kylo have entered the AT-AT and settled, she has gone on and on about Jakku, shedding the stories like old layers of skin that long should've been gone. Each time she pauses, Kylo prods with another question to keep her going. They mock rest, two bodies laying on top of a thin sleeping pack that Rey picked up in a spaceport. But neither considers sleep, even in the slightest. 

She had felt, for a long time, like her business on Jakku was unfinished. And perhaps it was. Perhaps Rey needed this release, this freedom of letting go of her past, in order to truly move on. And despite her reservations, there is no better companion for this action than Kylo. He is the ear that listens, the voice that questions, and the mind that, beneath it all,  _ understands.  _ His world might’ve been different than hers, but he gets the loneliness and the isolation and the longing. Their minds brush up against each other, and she feels the touch of his empathy singing to her.  _ You are not alone,  _ he says.  _ You will never be alone anymore.  _

The thought that had once terrified her begins to feel like a strange sort of relief. 

“I thought Finn was Resistance when we met here. He lied to me about it, which was probably for the better. I never would’ve gone with a rogue stormtrooper.” She smiles at the memory. Despite her pain, Rey loves Finn dearly and still considers him to be her best friend. She feels rather guilty to not have reached out to him in the past month. And yet, if she does, where would the line be drawn? Finn would be desperate to know everything and bring her back. She’s just not sure she can bear the pain of disappointing him again. Because truly, Rey doesn’t want to go back to the Resistance. Not yet. 

“It’s crazy now to think I didn’t have anyone to leave behind here,” Rey says. 

“You didn’t have any friends?” Kylo asks, following his usual pattern of occasional questions and anecdotes to show he is listening to her. 

“I tried to make friends a few times. It never worked. Trust me, you don’t want to hear  _ those  _ stories. They’re all incredibly naive and embarrassing. Here people either die or they’re so desperate that they’ll use your friendship to get something from you. It took a while but I learned that friendship isn’t the way to survive here.”

“So you stayed out here alone.”  
“I had nowhere else to _go._ No money. No ship. Even if I could get off this planet, I didn’t want to. I thought… and it sounds stupid now that I say it out loud… I thought my parents were going to come back for me.”

Kylo rolls onto his side and props his head on the crook of his elbow.

“You were a child. It wasn’t stupid.”

Rey turns to face him. She  _ wasn’t  _ a child, at least for those final years. Even in adulthood, she clung to this dream of family and belonging. She knew she’d never find it on Jakku if her parents didn’t return. Rey thought the Resistance was the place for family, but her relationship with her friends just isn’t that sort of dynamic. There is love and care there, and she feels the essence of what  _ could  _ be family. However, as long as Rey is their Jedi and their weapon she  _ can’t  _ be their family. The two identities can’t coexist. 

“Don’t blame yourself for growing up wanting your parents to come back.”

She sighs. It feels impossible to let go of the complicated guilt that lives inside her.

“I wish I had wanted to leave more. Maybe I could’ve found a way out if I tried, but I was  _ so focused  _ on being here when my parents returned. I thought it was the most important thing. Not even for myself, I wanted to be here for  _ them.  _ My parents—even though it was them who abandoned me—I wanted them to come back and find me and see that I was okay. I didn’t want them to feel guilty for leaving me alone.”

Kylo’s hand comes up to brush the side of her jaw. Every inch of her feels sparked by the sensation of his touch.

“And now I know they’re never coming back for me and I think… Why did I stay? Why didn’t I realize this sooner so I could stop kriffing  _ waiting  _ for the impossible? Because all I know how to do is to give myself to other people. It’s all I’ve ever done.”

“From now on, live for nobody but yourself.”

Rey takes a fluttery breath. This… this  _ tenderness  _ in his expression, it makes her feel warm inside. 

“That’s the thing… I don’t know if I can. I never really left this place behind, not even when I was with the Resistance. I just took that same mission to please people and put it in a different place. How am I going to let go of that?”

“You just have to try,” he says. “Take the leap.”

Rey sighs. “ _ Take the leap? _ The entire last year of my life has been one big leap. I don’t know how much more of that I can take.”

“Something will stick. Being the Resistance Jedi didn’t. Who knows what will?”

Moonlight seeps through the cracks in the haphazard structure, stretching shards of light over the planes of Kylo’s face. She just wishes she could know what would  _ stick.  _ And therein lies the issue: Rey cannot know who to be if she doesn’t try to be  _ something.  _ She’d gone to Coruscant with the intention of escaping herself and expected to find these clear answers to her desire. But running away hadn’t filled that void of question that sits in the center of her spirit. To  _ be  _ something, she actually has to go places, speak to people. She can’t hide in her apartment cooking dinners with Pree every day and expect to find some meaning of greatness when she’s just trying to avoid her real feelings. 

So she’s going to go with Kylo, then, with the intent of leaving this place behind. Peeling away the layers of her past is probably impossible, but leaving Jakku for herself feels like a step in the right direction. This, for once, is for  _ her.  _

She notices Kylo studying her intently and begins to wonder exactly  _ what  _ will transpire in the place he’s taking her. Will he stay and spend time with her? Maybe he doesn’t want to. Maybe he’s going to drop her somewhere and that will be the end of all of this. 

“What if nothing sticks?” she says more to herself than to him. “What if Jakku is all I was ever meant for?”

“That’s not true. I know it.”

“How?”

“The bond,” Kylo replies. “If all of this was a mistake, the bond wouldn’t exist. We wouldn’t know each other.”

“Maybe the bond is a mistake. Why would the Force pair a Skywalker with a nobody?”

__ “You’re not a nobody,” he says. 

“Yes I am. Look at where I grew up.”

Kylo doesn’t respond. 

“I wish I knew as much about the Force as you did,” Rey says. “Then I could just figure all of this out.”

“You’re giving me far too much credit.”

“You trained under Luke! And Snoke! All I got was three days on an island.”

“There is so much about the Force that  _ I  _ don’t understand… but we could learn together if you wanted.”

She instinctively refutes his proposal. “We can’t do that. What would my friends say?”

“Don’t think about your friends. Don’t even think about me. Do  _ you _ want to know more?”

Rey nods. 

“Then let's find out. Use the bond more. Explore it. Find what each of us are capable of.”

She  _ wants  _ this. Above everything else, Rey longs to understand this thing that flows through her. And here he is—the only person in the universe who could possibly help her understand that which is impossible to fully know. And why is she holding back? For other people. It’s time to let go. 

“Alright, I’ll do it. But you’re going to need to get Jedi texts from Coruscant for me.”

“Luckily, I’ve got a good deal of people at my disposal who would be willing to do just that.”

“And you still owe me that lightsaber when I’m ready.”

“I did make a promise.”

Rey sighs, satisfied.  _ She  _ wants this. Not Poe or Finn or Leia or Kylo—although Rey suspects Kylo wanted this at least a  _ little  _ bit, but that’s beside the point. She’s doing this because she believes it is her destiny. 

“We’re not arguing,” Rey says suddenly. “I didn't know we could do that.”

Kylo shrugs. “I think we agree about more than you want to see. But that’s okay. I like arguing with you.”

“There’s  _ no way  _ you like it.”

“I really do. That’s when you say the most honest things by accident.”

Rey bites her lip. Does she really give too much away when they fight? She doesn’t think so. 

“This is so strange. How are we laying here talking like real people?”

“Last I checked, we  _ are  _ real people.”

“I know. But you’re…  _ you _ . We’re supposed to be on opposite sides and you refuse to act like it sometimes.”

“You showed up at  _ my  _ gala.”

“You asked  _ me  _ to dance.”

“That was purely selfish,” Kylo says. Rey frowns.  _ Selfish?  _ It was stange, it was surprising, but  _ selfish?  _ He didn’t  _ get  _ anything from that; no news of the Resistance or anything. He knows she’s been hiding. So how, Rey wonders, could Kylo have advanced his pursuits by dancing with her. 

When she thinks back to their dance at the gala yesterday—it seems  _ ages  _ ago—it’s not any political motivations that cloud her memory. It’s him, the feeling of his hand presses against her back, the light brush of her fingers in his hair… 

“How old are you?” she asks suddenly. 

Kylo frowns. “How old are  _ you? _ ”

“Twenty one, I think.” She says. It’s kind of hard to be exact. 

“Thirty,” he says back. 

Rey laughs. “You’re  _ old _ !”

“ _ Old?”  _

“Okay, not old. Just… older.”

“Why does it matter?”

“It doesn’t, really. We’re both adults. I was just curious.”

“Alright.”

“And we’re…” friends? No. Kylo said he doesn’t have friends. Acquaintances? Far too distant. Not friends, not enemies. 

“Bondmates,” Rey finishes. “We’re bondmates. So I feel like it’s weird that I don’t know any of the regular stuff about you.”

Kylo’s eyebrows crease together. “Regular stuff?”  
Rey’s perception of things people normally know about each other is, of course, drawn from information gathered from Rose and Poe. Still, their concepts seem to be fairly accurate. 

“Well, I know you’re from Chandrila. And you know  _ way too much  _ about my life here. And now we both know how old each other is. But… are you right or left handed? Do you have a favorite color? What is your dream job? What products do you use in your hair?”

That last one had been entirely Poe’s idea. He’s always wondering about other people’s hair care. 

“Well, I’m right handed. You should know that from our previous fights. And I don’t have a favorite color.”

“ _ Everyone  _ has a favorite color.”

“Let me guess: yours is green.”

Rey brightens. “Yes! It is.”

“Surprising. And I really don’t have one. As for my dream… I wanted to be a pilot when I was a kid, before my parents shipped me off to Luke. Now, I want what I have, I guess.”

Rey studies him. His lackluster response hangs in the air between them and she decides one day she’ll have to discover what it is he actually does dream about. 

“And I don’t use products in my hair. I just brush it.”

“Noted.”

“So is that it yet? Do you  _ know  _ me now?”

The answer is a contradiction. She knows him—knows his mind, his fear, his intent—but no, she does not know him. Not as a person. Laying beside her, Kylo Ren seems a lot more like a person than she’s ever seen him. He’s got wrinkles on his forehead, and sand dusting his hairline. He’s  _ real.  _ Not a nightmare, not a myth, but a person. A man. 

“We’re getting there,” she says. “This is a start.”

Kylo’s face is so close to hers, she can feel the ghost of his breath on her face. She notices how the creases on his forehead disappear when he’s not so stressed. She wonders if he can feel her breath, too, and if this closeness is as scary to her as it is to him.

Kylo snorts. “ _ This  _ is a start? Not Centares or Lothal or  _ Supremacy _ ?”

“It’s a different start. Besides, Centares was an act.”

Kylo’s face goes stone cold. “An act, right.”

Rey frowns. Had he not asked her to play a part that night? Perhaps she had gotten a little swept up in the mystified relationship of Ben and Kira, but that wasn’t  _ him.  _ Kylo doesn’t look at her with the secretive lust that Ben did. At least that’s what she tells herself.

“We should try and sleep,” Rey says. “ _ I  _ should try and sleep. You can, too. It’s been ages since I’ve slept.”

“Okay.”

She turns flat on her back and pulls the thin blanket up to her chin. Kylo’s breaths even out pretty quickly, and Rey finds her mind wandering to every place but rest. She desperately hopes that leaving tomorrow will help her move on. 

\---

She wakes up not on Jakku, but in swaddled in silk sheets and soft blankets that smell faintly of lemon. Rey sits up quickly, trying to piece together how  _ this  _ could’ve happened. She remembers not being able to sleep on Jakku, then walking half-awake to Kylo’s ship and taking off. After that, there isn’t much of anything. 

He must have carried her here, she realizes. Wherever…  _ this  _ is. To the left of the bed is a balcony with tall wide windows. Outside Rey can see lots of green and what looks like a beautiful glistening lake. She uncurls herself from the sheets and gingerly makes her way over to the window. That’s when the door creaks open and Kylo enters, dressed casually in a dark grey shirt and slacks. Rey looks down at her own clothes to realize she’s still dressed in the same way that she was on Jakku. 

“There’s other clothes in the drawers, if you want,” Kylo says. The vision of him standing in the doorway alarms her. It’s just the two of them here, most likely. And she has no idea where  _ here  _ is. 

“Where are we?”

“Naboo. It’s my family’s estate.”

“Won’t Leia—”

“My mother is the second most wanted woman in the galaxy right now,” Kylo says. “She’d never come here.”

Rey relaxes. “Alright. Good. I don’t want to have to explain this to her,” she gestures to him and Kylo raises an eyebrow.

“Explain what?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe the fact that in the month since I’ve been gone I’ve somehow ended up staying at the… lakehouse of the man I swore to kill.”

She assumes this is a lakehouse, seeing that there most definitely is a lake in front of her balcony. Did he spend time here in his childhood? Rey tries to picture a young Kylo out on the balcony with Han and Leia. 

He shrugs. “It’s all arbitrary. The Force takes no sides.”

“But Force uses do.”

Kylo nods. “Yes. We do.”

They are silent for a moment. Rey opens the two glass doors and steps out onto the balcony. A warm breeze brushes her long brown hair off of her shoulders. Kylo follows, and the two sit on the bench that has been positioned on the small balcony. 

She wonders if this is the sort of life people have without war. Maybe they just gather in places and sit, staring out at things. Rey’s eyes focus on the lake, but her mind focuses on Kylo. The bench is just big enough for the two of them to sit, and the bare skin of his arm presses against her. It’s a stupid thing to focus on. What sort of person thinks so much about  _ skin?  _ She’s going to have to ask Rose about this the next time she sees her. Or maybe Finn. Is this normal or has the concussion made her brain work in strange ways? 

“I need your address on Coruscant,” Kylo says. “Then I can send one of the Knights to retrieve your stuff and bring it here.”

Rey swallows nervously. “A Knight would be coming _here?”_ _  
_ “Yes. But they are sworn to be confidential. You don’t have to worry about anything.”

Perhaps she can hide upstairs when the Knight arrives. Rey insists she’s not afraid of Kylo, but she cannot extend that same truth to the Knights of Ren. Their rare and secretive presence is  _ incredibly  _ threatening. Still, he trusts them. And isn’t she supposed to trust him while staying in his house? She doesn’t want the Jedi texts halfway across the galaxy on her bedside table forever. 

“Okay. I can write it down for you.”

“Thank you.”

They both stare out into the horizon again. 

“We can start tonight, if you want, to explore the bond. You still seem exhausted so I think it’s best to wait until after dinner.”

Rey wonders how she will spend the rest of the day. Is she going to sit around in her fancy rooms and nap until he decides it’s time for them to work together? She can’t imagine they’d be spending much time together. 

“I think we need to make a deal if we’re going to do this,” Kylo says. Rey raises an eyebrow. 

“What do you propose?”

“No holding back. If one of us has a question, we have to ask it. And answer. Honestly.”

Rey considers this. “What if there are things I don’t want you to know?”

“Then you don’t have to tell me. But if we’re learning from each other, the least we can do is ask.”

As long as he’s not pestering her with Resistance secrets, if this truly  _ is  _ about the Force, then Rey thinks she can subscribe to that deal. 

“Okay… I think I can do that.”

“Good. Should we try it?”

She nods. “I just need to think of a question.”

Rey pauses, then suddenly lights up. “Did you spend time here as a kid?” It’s not exactly a question about the Force, but she  _ was  _ wondering. Besides, this is a sort of trial run. 

“Yes, I did. But not as often as you’d think. My mother didn’t have much time for vacations.” 

Kylo seems to get lost in distant memory for a moment. Then, he turns to her. She wonders for a moment if she should say something, but all she can do is stare at him. Kylo stands up abruptly. 

“If you’ll excuse me, I need to contact the Knights.” He crosses back to the door of the balcony. “Oh, and feel free to explore the house. Nothing is off limits to you. My room is down the hall if you… need me.”

With that he departs, leaving Rey alone.


	23. Attempt

Kylo cooks them dinner. Rey is not quite sure how or when the man would’ve learned to  _ cook,  _ but she surely isn’t complaining. If her dinners with Pree taught her anything, it’s that cooking is a dangerous act for her. She’d prefer not to do it often, seeing as she always burns herself. 

She sits at the wooden table in the kitchen and watches his back as he moves around the kitchen pulling ingredients from the white cabinets above and mixing them together. Rey is—just as she was on Centares—struck by seeing Kylo as a  _ person _ . He runs his hands through his hair when he’s stressed, and sometimes he pauses working to stretch the muscles in his back. Lena had reminded her back at base that Kylo is a real person and not a myth, but it is often difficult for her to see him that way when so much of their relationship is mystic.

Eventually, Kylo places a dish on the table. 

“What is this?” she asks. Hot steam rises from the bow and Rey inhales the warmth. 

“Nothing great, but I didn’t exactly have time to prepare.”

She takes a bite and finds the meat in front of her is cooked with some spices on it. Much more expensive than anything she had on Jakku, but still nothing compared to the food Rey had on Coruscant. 

For a while they eat in silence and it’s nice to not talk all of the time, Rey thinks. If her friends were here, they’d spend the whole meal laughing and talking and asking a million questions. Kylo is like her in this way, Rey suspects. They’re just people that prefer silence sometimes. 

Eventually, she does inquire into his status with the First Order, seeing as he seemingly left a gala where he was the main guest to follow her to a desert planet that benefactors spit on. 

“I go on missions with the Knights all of the time,” Kylo says. “As long as I keep in regular contact and fulfill some key roles, there’s no reason why I can’t be away for a while.”

Rey doesn’t ask how long a while is. She suspects there is a question laced in there, too:  _ how long will you stay?  _ The answer to that is she has no idea. Rey doesn’t know where she plans to go when she leaves, either. Right now, she’s just focused on exploring the bond and the Force to hopefully find some clarity of what to do next.

After dinner, Rey helps him clean up the dishes and then they both depart back to their own rooms. She sits on the edge of the bed, staring out at the shining lake below, and her mind begins to wander back to the base. 

Rey misses her friends. It isn’t a question of whether or not she wants to see them. It’s more that she doesn’t miss  _ the Resistance.  _ She doesn’t miss existing just to be some sort of weapon. Poe was right, in a sense, to question why she was still there if she wasn’t going to run off and kill Kylo Ren. Because Rey’s job as their weapon was just that, and her friends were her friends but also members of a military organization depending on her to complete a certain task. 

She doesn’t imagine going back would be a simple thing, either. Rey’s departure had been covert and likely hurtful to the people she cares about. Had they gone to Lothal, she wonders? They’d have found the Falcon there and most likely drawn their own conclusions. Maybe they thought she died. Maybe they didn’t go to Lothal at all because of the risks. She wishes she could explain herself, to let her friends know that it wasn’t  _ them,  _ that it was this  _ thing  _ they were all a part of. The Resistance is something she still believes in, but the way it was treating her was tearing her to pieces. Rey didn’t know how to explain that to her friends that loved their cause so dearly. If she hadn’t been their Jedi, she would’ve loved the Resistance, too. 

And now there’s this to consider. Kylo Ren is down the hall, doing Force knows what, and she’s sitting there entirely unprotected and  _ fine.  _ He’s sent one of his Knights across the galaxy to collect the sacred Jedi text and while Rey is entirely terrified, she also knows in the deepest center of her being that Kylo is curious about the bond, too, and does not want to harm her. It’s the  _ everyone else  _ that he needs to work on. If they’re going to be bonded for life or something along those lines, Rey hopes they can root through his vitriolic actions and that she can at least, in some capacity, come to understand the man that is Kylo Ren a bit more. 

There’s a knock on the door, and Rey bounces up just in time to see Kylo enter the room. 

“Are you ready?” he asks. She frowns, not recalling what exactly she needs to be  _ ready  _ for. 

“The bond,” he explains. “I thought we could start trying to explore it tonight.”

Rey nods. “Right. Yes. I’m ready.”

His eyes search her face. “Are you sure? We can wait until tomorrow. I know you’ve had a rough few days.”

Rey snorts. “I’ve had a rough few  _ years _ .”

Kylo doesn’t laugh. He looks, actually, rather pained by the anecdote. Rey sighs. 

“I’m ready. Definitely.”

There aren’t any chairs in the bedroom besides the one on the balcony, so Rey and Kylo sit facing each other on the bed. The sun has dipped below the skyline and Rey can see one of the three moons of Naboo in the sky. She turns her full attention to Kylo and sees the starlight wash over the left side of his face. 

“Where should we start?” she asks. 

“Let’s start with the Force in general and how much you know. Which is?”

“Force-tricking. Unlocking doors sometimes, when I really focus. Oh! And lifting rocks.”

“I don’t mean manipulations of the Force. What do you  _ know  _ about it?”

She considers this. The answer isn’t something she can put into words, more a mirage of feeling and experience. 

“Well… I don’t know.”

“What did Luke teach you?”

“That it is the energy that binds all living things together.”

Kylo seems satisfied with this answer. She’s sure his uncle must’ve given him the same speech at some point. “That’s true. And to exist that way it must have…”

“Balance.”

“Right. Balance. And this is where we find contradiction in the Jedi because—”

“They don’t interact with the dark side of the Force. But I’m not giving myself to the dark, Kylo. It’s a bad side of the Force for a  _ reason.”  _

“It’s not a bad side. Like we said, the Force doesn’t take sides. The lines the Jedi have drawn are arbitrary and incredibly restricting.”

Rey crosses her arms and freons. “Prove it.”

“What?” His brow creases in confusion.   
“Prove the lines are arbitrary. Prove the dark side of the Force isn’t all bad, and then I’ll be open to more conversation about it.”

Kylo ponders this for a moment. Rey thinks she must have caught him at an impossibility.

“Give me time to think of something,” He says. “That’s a big ask.”

She laughs. “Alright. We can move on. But I’m  _ not _ talking about it more until you can produce some proof.”

“And if I know you, you mean that.”  
“You do know me,” Rey blurts, and then she bushes fiercely. What was _that?_ Kylo gives her a quick nod then looks down at his hands.

Rey takes a deep breath. “The Force, then. What do you know about it?”

“The way I understand it is not so different from what you said. It’s not entirely about understanding yourself, I think. It’s more about… relationships. How you connect to the sky and the ground and the air and everything in between.”

His eyes cloud with a sort of fascination, and Rey is reminded that Kylo Ren was once a boy discovering his connection to the Force, just like her. It still puts them both in awe a bit.

“Like, we are just a piece of this greater web of existence, and we’re attuned to understanding and feeling that web in a different way than most people are.”

“When you put it that way, it sounds so peaceful,” she smiles.

“It can be, I think, when we don’t try to stretch the web so far in one direction that it’s strained.” 

“Hey!  _ No more _ dark side talk tonight.”

“I don’t mean the dark side. I just think, when we try to bend the Force to be so much of one thing for ourselves, the relationship becomes unhealthy.”

“I think that’s true of people, too.” Rey says, because she is more able to understand his line of thinking in that context. “When you ask them to be one thing all of the time instead of just themselves, it breaks down your relationship.”

Kylo nods. “I agree.”

They fall silent, each lost in their own thoughts of connections to the Force and the beings living within it. It is Rey who speaks up first. 

“Let’s talk about the bond, then. I know… it connects us sometimes. I can’t always see you, or your surroundings. But sometimes it feels as real as if we were standing in the same room.”

“Right. And when do you think these moments occur?”

“It often feels like it’s when I need to talk to you, but I’m not entirely sure. And I know it lets us talk in our heads, and you seem to be able to sense my emotions sometimes.”

“I can,” he confirms. “Not often. And I don’t… try to do it. I’d rather you tell me what you’re feeling than find it out by accident. What’s strange is you don’t seem to be in touch with my emotions so much. Have you tried?”

She shakes her head. “I just thought it’s because you are more experienced with the Force than me.”

“It’s not about that, Rey. The bond is about being attuned to each other, not the Force.” 

“How do you know that?” she asks skeptically.

_ I don’t. It’s just a guess,  _ he speaks into her mind. 

Kylo leans forward. “Try to look into my head. See if you can feel what I feel.”

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea,” she says. 

“Why not? We’ve got to test these things, right? And I give you permission.”

“Permission is a good thing,” she says. “Okay, I’ll try.”

Rey closes her eyes and feels that thread that connects their minds. She follows the path of it until she reaches him, and Rey steps inside the walls of his brain. 

She is met, immediately, with a wave of grief and angst and loss washing over her. If her consciousness was a person standing out in the dunes on Jakku, the gust of Kylo’s emotions would’ve knocked her right over. 

Rey opens her eyes quickly and stares at him.

“Do you—are you upset?”

He shrugs. “Not more than general, no.”

“People aren’t supposed to feel like that all the time.”  
“You felt my feelings though, that's good. It was more the long term stuff, not the nuanced emotions of this moment, but still, very impressive.”

Rey isn’t sure she can brush past his feelings and back to the semantics of the bond. She hasn’t felt pain that deep within herself since being on Lothal. Is Kylo meaning to say he  _ always  _ feels that way?

“We can try to practice the emotion stuff often if you want, and—”

“I need to ask a question,” Rey bursts.

Kylo seems perplexed by her sudden desire, but he agrees to uphold their agreement of questions being an important part of the process.

“Are you always hurting like that?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Lots of reasons.”

She stares at him. It seems impossible that a person could feel that constantly  _ sad  _ and  _ angry  _ underneath the surface. Of course, maybe his position in the First Order has something to do with it. But isn’t that what he  _ wanted? _

“Can you… tell me about it? If you want, I mean.”

“You don’t want to know.”

“I do.”

“If you knew everything about me, Rey, you wouldn’t be sitting here.”

She rolls her eyes. “Yes, because my image of you is already  _ so pure _ . And I thought you said we needed to be honest for this to work.”

Kylo sighs. “Fine.”

His eyes drift away from her, focusing on a far off point at the edge of the lake.

“I have a lot of… guilt. There’s things I’ve done that I regret. But I can’t undo them, so I always feel…”

“Wounded,” Rey completes. The word falls from her lips naturally. She  _ knows  _ this word describes the feeling as if it is her own emotion. 

“Have you ever tried to do anything about it?”

“There is nothing to be done.”

“That’s not true. Whatever it is, even the act of trying to atone goes a long way.”

He turns his eyes back to her. “You think so?”

“Absolutely.”

Rey thinks of all of the things he has done. Many Kylo has claimed to feel not at fault for, but maybe that’s a lie. If he’s living with this sort of guilt beneath the surface, there has to be a level of understanding. 

Suddenly, Kylo squares his shoulders. 

“I can’t,” he says quickly. “My personal feelings are secondary to what must be done for the good of the galaxy.”

“Maybe if your personal feelings conflict with your actions, you should think about what the good of the galaxy actually  _ is _ .”

“Snoke—”

“Is dead,” Rey says flatly. “As you, along with everyone I know, so  _ constantly _ feels the need to remind me, _ Snoke is dead _ . Which means whatever he thought  _ doesn't matter _ anymore because he is not the Supreme Leader.”

“I will not abandon his vision,” Kylo says. Rey stares at him long and hard for a moment. This— _ this _ is what she was afraid of. Kylo Ren so stuck in his ways that he can’t even consider the path that is right in front of him.

“Have you ever considered how things could change if you just listened to somebody else’s opinion for once and not relied on Snoke?” She asks.

“Yes,” he says, his gaze fixed on her. “But the person didn’t want to join me to be an advising voice, so I have decided to just stick to what I know.”

Rey gasps, affronted. He is accusing  _ her  _ of wrongdoing? Any actions of the Order that have happened since Crait are  _ not  _ her fault. She chose not to join him because she was devoted to her friends, and honestly he didn’t seem ready to give what he was offering. Rey also wasn’t ready to accept it yet. 

She slides off the side of the bed and pulls the door open.

“Leave.”

Kylo’s eyes widen. “I thought we were going to—”

“You told me on Jakku to live for nobody but myself and I’m trying. But only if you try, too. Which, apparently, you’re not willing to. So leave, please. I changed my mind. I’m too tired to work on the bond tonight.”

Kylo stands and approaches her slowly. They stand close at the door frame, and Kylo’s mouth parts slightly open, but he quickly turns and makes his way into the hall. 


	24. Power

Rey rises on her own the next morning, taking to her usual training routine. Instead of a training room on base, she now goes for a run on the grassy lawn down by the lake. There isn’t much clothing that fits her in the drawers, so she has to make do with a pair of leggings and compression top. Hopefully when Kylo sent the Knight to retrieve her things, he also included clothing on the list. 

She does some strength and conditioning exercises but skips any sort of sparring. Her staff will no doubt be back with her soon. Finally, Rey finds a shady tree by the lake and sits to meditate. 

It is different to always be trying to connect with nature through the Force in a concrete room than it is to do it outside. Those connections between dirt and plant and sky are so much more real in her head while she sits under the tree. 

Kylo doesn’t approach her during this time, though Rey does notice from the corner of her eye when he appears on the balcony connected to her room. Kylo, probably looking for her, looks down below and notices her sitting, then goes back inside. 

It is difficult to stay furious at him, despite her intense desire to do so. They’re both quelling over this idea of who is going to be more malleable, and Rey often just wishes Kylo would bend in the slightest so they would come to an understanding. She knows that he is the way he is because of Snoke and Luke and Leia and Han. They have all had a hand in shaping his disposition, just as Jakku has shaped her. And perhaps their situations, however different, have made them both rather stubborn in their beliefs. 

She wonders if it is even possible for her and Kylo to reach some sort of feeling of agreeance. There are moments like Centares and through the bond where she thinks it is entirely a possibility. Some desire deep within Kylo Ren mirrors one that lives in her, though Rey cannot name exactly what that desire  _ is.  _ Other times, it feels as if they are two beings at opposite ends of a polarizing spectrum fighting to reach an unattainable consensus. Her belief in possibility must outweigh the feeling of defeat, though, or otherwise she wouldn't be here. She would’ve just followed orders and killed him a long time ago. 

Rey feels—to the closest extent that she possibly can—peaceful in getting back to her training. The one thing she has always been able to control is her strength, and exercise is its own form of calmness for her.   
When she returns inside and enters the kitchen, Kylo wordlessly hands her a plate of cut up fruit. 

“Thanks,” she mumbles, sitting at the table. Kylo pours them both glasses of water and sits beside her. 

“You always train like that in the mornings?”

“Yeah, when I’m not… a mess.”

“I might join you tomorrow,” he says. “If that’s okay. I normally train a lot back on the ship and don’t want to lose that.”

She nods. “It’s fine.”

Rey isn’t quite sure if training with Kylo will allow her to continue to find that inner peace she seeks. He is—consistently—pretty unsettling to her. And what is he training for, anyway? To take on her friends? She doesn’t want to think about it 

Rey takes a bite of the closest fruit and it bursts with sweet juice in her mouth. She quickly picks up another piece off the plate. 

Kylo doesn’t bring up last night, and Rey is grateful for it. She’d rather not talk about his unwillingness to contend with the terrible things he’s done or the way he subtly tried to blame  _ her  _ for problems in the galaxy. It is easier to just leave it in silence between them. 

“Do you want me to show you around the lake?” he asks. “So you don’t get lost when you’re outside, I mean.”

The property doesn’t seem that difficult to navigate. Still, Rey sees the offer for the olive branch it represents. 

She nods. “That would be nice, thank you.”

He looks up at the clock on the wall in the kitchen.

“We could go now. I’ve got some work to do today, but it can wait a little bit.”

They both seem to decide that it’s now or never, so Rey takes one more bite of fruit and vows to come back to the kitchen later to find something else to eat. They head out the back door of the kitchen that leads to the back of the house. Rey has never seen this side before, and it mostly goes off onto roads and rolling fields which she imagines lead to other houses or towns. They walk around the side of the house together and Rey realizes she might be more needing a tour of the  _ inside  _ of the house. It’s practically massive by her standards. She knows of her room, Kylo’s room, and downstairs the kitchen. Besides that, she’s just aware of the hallways with closed doors. Perhaps later she can explore, while Kylo does his ‘work’. 

The front of the house where her balcony overlooks is beautiful in the morning light. The house is perched on the side of the hill, meaning they have to traverse down a few sets of stairs to reach the grassy beach where Rey trained this morning. 

Kylo veers off before they can reach that beach, stepping off the stairs and onto a stone deck beneath her balcony. There is a small table with chairs positioned to overlook the lake there. 

“This is the best place to be outside when reading,” he says. “The beach gets windy, but up here it’s much more calm.”

“It’s nice,” she comments. Rey isn’t much of a reader herself, though she won’t say it. She’s reminded of when Kylo questioned if she  _ could  _ read not so long ago and thinks perhaps she should make a show of the fact that she has the skill.

Kylo stares out at the shining lake for a long moment. Sunlight reflects on the shiny surface so that when Rey looks at the water she has to squint a bit. Rey averts her eyes from the water to look at him. 

“You like it here,” she says. 

He nods. “It’s not a place I come often, but I’m… fond of it.”

“Why not?”

“The Order.”

“Still? Even after Snoke?”

“Still.”

Rey shakes her head. “I just don’t understand why you… hold onto things that make no sense.”

“It’s not about Snoke. He decided where I went, who I saw, so I never came here. But now, I have to be ever-present to make sure everything we’ve built doesn’t crumble. That doesn’t leave time for spending weekends at the lake.”

If something is so fragile that it needs one person to hold it together, Rey thinks, then maybe that thing should fall. But she doesn’t know how to make him  _ see  _ that. It’s the same problem with the Resistance. Nobody ever wants to think that what they’re building needs to be torn down. The Resistance is full of fighters and liberators, they never think about the value of preserving their lives. And Kylo, he only sees himself as the keystone of the First Order. He never thinks that maybe they need to change. 

“I know what you’re thinking, and I do not regret my position. It is for the good of the galaxy.”

“What is the good of the galaxy, again?” She asks. 

Kylo pauses. “Unification. Agreeance. Less violence.”

“You think you’re creating  _ less violence?” _

“No. The Order is  _ in pursuit  _ of this ideal. But in achieving it we have to root out those who are against the cause. They disturb the peace we seek to create.”

“What about freedom?” she asks. “What about… discourse? And conflict? And  _ choice? _ ”

“Those things will still  _ exist _ ,” he scowls. “But the galaxy will have a guiding hand. Criminals will not rule the markets anymore.”

“And you are to be that guiding hand, I suppose?”

“Yes.”

“That’s a lot of responsibility for one person.”

“It could’ve been two.”

Rey’s heartbeat quickens. How many times is he going to bring  _ this  _ back into their conversation before realizing it’s never going to happen? As opposed to last night, this time Kylo’s insinuation seems more… gentle, less accusatory.

“You said it was never about the Order,” she says. 

“It wasn’t. It isn’t. But if you  _ wanted  _ to be the voice for all of those things you speak about—choice, discourse, freedom—I would have you.”

Rey swallows down her nerves. He’s offering her the galaxy  _ again,  _ this time without last night’s loaded accusation.  __

“One person can’t embody discourse and choice,” she says. “Two people can’t either. What makes me and you so special that we get to decide things for everyone? I can count the planets I’ve been to on two hands. How can I speak for  _ everyone? _ ”

“You don’t know what it’s like with a Senate—the thing the Resistance wants so badly. You want to know what it’s like? It’s decisions taking years to be made because there are so many opinions. It’s the wealthiest planets having the most power. It’s the opportunity for someone with ill intentions like Palpatine to step in and seize control.”

“It’s  _ freedom _ ,” Rey retorts. “And it  _ matters.  _ People deserve the opportunity to be involved in the choices that impact them.”

“No choices are made when that many planets have representatives.”

It’s frustrating because Rey  _ sees  _ what he’s saying. How can a representative from Jakku have more influence than someone from a place like Naboo? And yet, his alternative is just wrong. To erase any choice from the galaxy for fear of how it could happen seems like a weak alternative. She only wishes he would listen to her. 

“Rey,” Kylo looks at her with intensity. “I still mean what I said. If you want to advise in any official capacity, I will consider you an equal. This conversation—while merited—is just  _ talking.  _ You could bring so much more to the galaxy than just fighting for the Senate my mother wants to bring back.”

She sighs. “I told you I wouldn’t join the Order.”

“You don’t want to be a part of the Resistance, either. And didn’t we agree that Force uses choose sides? I know you don’t want to be neutral with so much at stake.”

Rey would never—could never—agree with Kylo’s politics. But perhaps she  _ could  _ do something being involved in official discourse. She’s not particularly inclined to be a part of politics for the rest of her life—the Force provides quite enough stimulation—but the issue ahead is pertinent. 

“I’ll think about it,” she says. Kylo nods. 

The topic is not brought up again as he shows her down to the beach and the rock shore of the lake, and also when they walk the windy path along the edge of the water that Rey ran this morning. Kylo sticks to much more generic topics like the trees and the water and anecdotes about other houses in the area. Rey listens politely with the knowledge that he’s speaking to her with a ten foot metaphorical pole between them. Perhaps it is simple for him to file conversations away, but she can’t stop thinking about what he’s told her. 

Does she truly believe in the Senate? Leia had outlined the prospect to her back in the early days after Starkiller. Longing to be a part of something, Rey had agreed with the prospect without fully examining the flaws that laid within the system. Of course, laying the Resistance and First Order plans side by side, she is  _ much  _ inclined to that of the Resistance. But that isn’t to say that she shouldn't be a bit more… critical of their concepts. How can a thousand voices accomplish much of anything when they’re all angling for personal pursuits? She’ll have to consider this more. If only Rose were here, she'd be able to sort through this conversation with Rey much better. 

Eventually, they make their way back to the house and Kylo leaves her. 

“Bond after dinner?” he asks. 

“Okay.”

Kylo begins to walk away, but pauses. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, turning to her, “About last night. Those conversations can be just about us, not the Force and the Resistance. I don’t want to get in the way of our learning.”

Rey isn’t sure it is  _ possible  _ to truly separate those two things, but she supposes it can’t hurt to try. 

“Just the bond,” she agrees. “We’ll… focus on eachother, and see what happens.”

With that, Kylo disappears back into his office and leaves Rey to the task of spending time exploring the inside of the house on her own. 

Hours later, Rey is sitting in the library when she feels the bond coming to life between them. 

_ Are you around?  _ Kylo’s voice pops into her head. 

She’d been trying to read after discovering the room filled with shelves of dusty old books. It had so far been a most unsuccessful adventure because all of the books here were just so _boring._  
_Library,_ she responds. 

_ I have something to show you, when you’re ready. _

_ I’m ready,  _ she responds quickly. Anything to stop pretending she likes the book in her hand.

__ Suddenly, a flash of an image appears in Rey’s head: a small painting of a woman in a gold frame, with the edge of a pale hand holding the frame. She gasps.

_ Is it a picture?  _ She asks. 

_ How did you know? _

_ I think I… saw it.  _

Rey dashes upstairs and finds Kylo in the doorframe of his study, the small painting in his hands. 

“You  _ saw it?”  _ He asks. 

“It was like a picture in my head. I didn’t know we could…” She trails off, her mind lost in the fascination of this new occurrence. 

“Me either.”

“What else do you think we could share?” Rey asks. “I never thought it would go past thoughts and emotions. But  _ pictures?  _ I saw what you saw. Maybe there's more. Maybe we could share other mental images.”

Kylo’s eyes widen. “Rey… do you think we could share  _ memories _ ?”

If emotions and images can pass, why not? Rey swallows nervously.

“Maybe,” she says. “There’s no way to know unless we try.”

Kylo looks down at the painting in his hands then back up at her. 

“Dinner first,” he says. “Then, I’m going to show you who this is. But not with words. I know exactly the memory to show.”

  
  



	25. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting into exam season so life is crazyyyy and uploading will, as usual, be extremely erratic. anyway, thanks for following along!

Kylo breaks out a bottle of wine at dinner. Kriffing  _ wine.  _ And Rey—Force help her— indulges in a glass because the thought of sharing her  _ memories  _ with him makes her feel downright nauseous. She knows she needs to take the edge off. 

They make their way up to her room once it’s dark, and she wonders if she’ll ever see inside  _ his  _ room. Not that she particularly wants to, she’s just curious. What does he  _ do _ in there? Generic evil things, submitting himself to total darkness, probably. 

The doors to her balcony are open. Rey turns to shut them and finds Kylo sitting cross legged in the center of her bed. She goes to join him and their knees brush up against each other from the closeness.

He surveys her face. “You still look exhausted,” he says. Rey smiles weakly, trying to cover up the shakiness she feels. 

“What a nice thing to say. You’re not looking particularly peaky yourself.”

“I just mean you still look so  _ tired.  _ Have you been sleeping?”

She doesn’t want to admit that last night was difficult, that since waking up here she hasn’t been able to sleep soundly. Not that Rey’s sleeping habits before were stellar, but they seem to have taken a turn for the worst. 

“I get a few hours. You?”

“Not great,” he says, and she cringes internally. Of  _ course  _ he doesn’t sleep much, the man never seems to do anything that he could possibly benefit from. 

“Well, let’s not take too long with this, and maybe we can both get the rest we need tonight.”

“Right.”

“Are you going to tell me about the painting I saw with your mind now?” she asks, raising an eyebrow. Dinner had been mercifully silent, but there really is no way of avoiding conversation when they’re going to share memories. 

“Let’s start with something simpler,” he says. “How about sharing images?”

She nods. “What did you do last time? I saw the frame right after you said you wanted to show it to me.”

“I just… wanted you to see it. And sort of tugged on the bond, I suppose. It’s hard to explain.”

“Let me try,” she says. 

Rey focuses her attention to the balcony doors, and she begins to examine the brass door handles with her eyes. Then, she reaches for the bond in her mind, trying to translate the vision to Kylo. 

“Door handles,” he says. 

Rey grins. “Yes! You know, this doesn’t seem so complicated.”

“I don’t think it is. It’s like we have these muscles but just didn’t know we could use them until now.”

“Right. We could practice that more often, get stronger at it.”

Kylo agrees, but they don’t try this now. Both of them are ancy to move on to the main event. 

“How about memories that involve each other?” Kylo suggests. “That might be easier.”

Rey flips through her list of memories of him to find one that feels… safe. Finally, she lands on one. 

“I’ve got something.”

Rey pictures the moment she arrived on the  _ Finalizer  _ and first saw his face appear over her tiny capsule. Something had fluttered deep inside her chest at seeing his face, knowing those Force connections were  _ real  _ and not something her brain had made up to trick her. The way he looked at her… well, she would never forget it. 

“ _ Finalizer, _ ” Kylo says. “Right?”

She nods. “Did you see… you? I remember looking at you, mostly.”

“I did.” 

Luke made this force stuff seem  _ incredibly  _ complicated, but Rey feels a swell of satisfaction at how quickly she and Kylo seem to be picking things up.

“Now you try.”

Kylo’s eyes flip shut, and Rey notices the soft curve of his dark eyelashes. She shuts her own eyes to try and focus on the bond, and sure enough an image comes through. It’s her, in the forest on Takodana, turning to face him for the first time. And Rey more than sees the memory, she  _ feels  _ it. His… surprise runs through her own veins. 

_ A girl. Who is she?  _

The girl who is Rey looks at him with this tenacious spite. She’s clearly not excited to see him, not that anyone is. Kylo steps towards her, and the girl’s eyes widen. She—

Rey is pulled back into the present. Kylo is watching her.

“Takodana,” she says.

“Correct.”

“Were you really that surprised to see me?” she finds herself asking. 

“I was told there was a girl with the droid. I had no idea what to expect. It could’ve been anyone in the galaxy, but it was  _ you. _ ”

“A stranger.”

“A stranger,” Kylo agrees. “But there was this… feeling. Did you feel it?”

She had. There was this undercurrent to his surprise, this emotion that felt sort of like relief. Kylo had no idea who she was, and yet he never had felt more certain of anything in his life than the fact that this girl was going to be very, very important. 

“I think,” Rey says, “That the Force continues to call us together and then push us apart, and it is the most  _ confusing  _ thing I have ever experienced.”

“Nothing is ever simple,” Kylo says. Rey wonders if he purposely tries to sound like an old sage all of the time. As the Resistance Jedi, she made it her life’s mission to  _ not  _ sound so metaphorical and preachy. Kylo seems to have no issue with doing it all of the time. 

“You have to tell me about the picture now,” she says. “You said you had the perfect memory?”

“I do. I—I’ve never talked about this with anyone outside of my family.”

Rey senses the hesitation in his voice. “It’ll just stay between us,” she says. “Everything in the bond is ours. If you want me to see something, I won’t share it.”

His shoulders seem to relax slightly. Rey watches his chest rise and fall in a deep breath. 

“Okay, alright. Ready?”

She nods, and Kylo pulls her into the bond.

Rey as Kylo sits in an ornately furnished room on what she recognizes as Coruscant. In Kylo’s hand is the same photo she saw earlier: a beautiful young woman with chestnut brown hair and a stern face. She looks ready to jump out of the frame and attack anyone who crosses her. 

“They say she died of sadness in childbirth after Anakin fell,” Leia says above Kylo’s head. Kylo looks up to see his mother, young and weary looking, staring at her son. 

“But I can’t believe it. How could a woman like  _ that _ have such a tragic end?”

“Maybe she was sick,” Kylo says. 

“Maybe,” Leia says, but Kylo can tell she doesn’t believe it. 

He looks down at the photo again, searching for some sort of connection. This woman… his  _ grandmother,  _ yet another family member he would never meet. At least if Padmé died for love, she actually  _ loved  _ dearly. Sometimes it feels like his own mother is so far away that he doesn’t know her. 

“Keep her with you, Ben,” Leia says. “I know that it’s difficult to hear what everyone is saying about our family, but know… know that there is so much heart in our lineage, too. And it is your choice who to be.”

Kylo feels tears welling up in his eyes that he desperately tries to push down. His mother reaches down to brush her hand against his cheekbone affectonaley. 

“She would love you just as much as I do,” Leia whispers, and Kylo shutters. The love she speaks of, he hasn’t  _ felt  _ it, not in ages. It’s all empty words. 

_ She lies.  _ The voice in the back of his head, that persistent whisper, makes an appearance. 

_ Padmé Amidala is not your legacy to follow. You know what you are destined to be.  _

That voice, more constant in his life than his own  _ mother _ , slips in and poisons the moment. But it must be right. 

Ben Solo isn’t like his mother or his father. For years, he never understood what this meant. Now he does. 

Because he is related to Darth Vader. 

That is his destiny. 

Rey gasps and looks up at Kylo in the present. “It’s your grandmother?”

“Padmé Amidala of Naboo.”

Her mind swirls, absorbing the information of Kylo’s painful past. 

“If she’s from here, you must be rich.”

Kylo suppresses a laugh. “I show you that, and your biggest question is if I’m  _ rich?” _

“I mean, judging by the size of this house, I’d say—”

“Rey.”

“Sorry. Thank you for showing me that memory. Was that Snoke in your head, all those years ago?”

“He’s always been there.”

Her heart aches. “Oh,  _ Ben _ —”

Rey clamps her mouth shut.  _ Kriff.  _ Hearing Leia in the memory had pulled her back to old impulses. Did she really just—

“It’s okay,” he says after a long moment. “I don’t… mind the name, when it’s you.”

“When it’s me?” She looks up at him.

Kylo hesitates. “People are always using Ben Solo as a weapon against me. I created Kylo Ren to escape that. But when you say it, it’s just because… it’s my name. So I don’t mind when it’s just us if you call me Ben.”

Rey swallows nervously. “Okay.”

“Just don’t say it in front of others.”

“There’s nobody else here.”

“I know, just…”

He looks at her, and Rey feels the bond between them begin to glow with warmth. If she could reach out and touch it, the feeling would be an entwined sensation of serenity. Kylo seems to sense this too, and the calmness washes over him. 

_ Ben,  _ Rey thinks to herself.  _ Ben Solo is Kylo Ren, the man who has done terrible things. I can’t forget that.  _ She averts her eyes from him. 

Kylo studies her for a moment. “I’m pulling the question card,” he says. 

Rey nods weakly. She knows it is only fair to return what she asks. 

“You called me Ben, and now you seem… afraid of the fact that it happened. Why?”

She considers this. There are  _ so many  _ reasons. Reasons Rey can’t even puzzle out herself yet. 

“It’s inching us closer together.”

“I think the bond does that on its own.”

“Maybe, but something inside me is… afraid that if I allow myself to get too close to you, then I will fall to the dark, and I will betray everyone I love.”

“Rey, you’re the most loyal person I’ve ever met.”

“Am I? I’m here with you.”

“That’s because you’re loyal to goodness, not because you’re falling to the dark. You didn’t want to kill me, so you’ve gone on this journey to stay loyal to what you think is right.”

“You make me sound so noble.”

“Not noble.  _ Good.  _ In the same way I am not good. You fervently hold onto your ideals.”

“You could be good,” she says. “If you really wanted to, it could happen. But you don’t.”

He shakes his head. “I want order. I want peace. You can’t be a good person and hold the power I do.”

“That’s a lie. You don’t need to submit to the dark.”

“Then you don’t need to be so  _ afraid  _ of going near the dark when it offers so much opportunity.”

She narrows her eyes. “I  _ distinctly  _ said—”

“—Not to bring it up without a concrete answer, I know. But let me ask you this: If you could face the dark, prove to yourself that you won’t fall to it, would you be less afraid?”

She hasn’t faced the dark since Ahch-To. Rey never wants to face it  _ again.  _ And yet, it holds itself over her head all of the time. She doesn’t want to keep living like this.

“Maybe. But I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”

“I’ll pull you back if you can’t handle it.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just let me fall?” she asks dryly. “Then you could just get what you want.”

“I want you to be yourself,” he says. “Whatever that means to you.”  
Rey looks away. “Fine,” she says. “But if I’m going to face my darkness, you need to promise not to pull me deeper in. I’m telling you right now, that’s not what I want.”

“I promise.”

She sighs. Is she going to do this? The piece of her that calls to the dark has been pushed away for so long, Rey is not sure if she can pull it back. She doesn’t even know if she  _ should?  _ On Ahch-To she couldn’t resist it. What has changed now?

“It’s inside you,” Kylo says. “Reach for it. Don’t push it away.”

She closes her eyes and breathes. At first there is nothing, Rey feels the tension that always exists in the Force forming around her. But then she looks deeper, and there is this little spot of cold on the edge. She grasps for it and the world around her changes. 

She’s on Jakku again, but she’s not. It’s a memory, a vision. She watches from the outside as a ship takes off into the sky and leaves her alone as a child. A firm grasp holds onto her arm and pulls her back. Wherever her family is going, she will never be able to follow.

Then she’s in her AT-AT, marking lines on the wall and crawling into her hammock to sleep. Hunger gnaws at the inside of her stomach, but nothing hurts deeper than the chilling sense of loneliness settling over her. 

The vision flashes forward and Rey sees herself as an adult with her face cradled in her hands, sobbing. Somebody is knocking on her bedroom door at the Resistance, but she can’t bring herself to answer it. 

A red light washes over the vision, and then she’s on Starkiller across from Kylo with their sabers clashing. Finn lays on the ground, motionless.  _ She’s going to kill Kylo Ren.  _ That, right now, is certain. If Rey could just summon the strength—

Rey stands over Kylo’s motionless body in the throne room. She could use his saber right here. She could end this. 

_ But he helped you.  _ It doesn’t matter. This is her destiny. 

_ The violence is unwarranted.  _ He has taken lives. She must do this. 

_ He could be turned.  _ People cannot change. Surely not Kylo Ren.

Rey’s fist clenches. Just one move and he’d be dead. One move and—

Rey falls back on her bed, breathless. The dark slithers back to the deep part of herself where it constantly hides. She could never escape it, even if she wanted to. 

She blinks out of the vision and sees Kylo watching her. 

“I can’t defeat it,” she mutters.

“But you can face it,” he says. “And that’s what matters.”

Rey squeezes her eyes shut, focusing on her insides to try and expunge the dark from her body. It just won’t  _ go _ , like a parasite permanently attached. After a long moment of silence, she feels the shifting of weight at the edge of the bed as Kylo rises. 

“Wait,” she reaches out and grabs his wrist. Kylo turns to her. 

“Will you… stay?” The words slip out in barely a whisper. She offers her rawest confession. “I don’t want to be alone.”

Kylo silently nods and sits down on the edge of her bed. She could leave it at that. They’re bondmates, it’s not unwarranted for her to want his presence after reliving those memories. He could sit on the edge of her bed until he falls asleep, and then escape back to his room… 

“I mean  _ really  _ stay,” Rey says rather sheepishly. Kylo’s lips part into the shape of an  _ oh  _ as he catches the meaning of her words. Rey watches as he carefully slides underneath the sheets beside her and lays his head onto one of the beds' many pillows. 

“I won’t leave if you don’t want me to.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry.”

He’s awkwardly regal, she thinks, even when lying down. It’s as if Kylo Ren doesn’t know how to live but to present himself a certain way. Rey wonders if this is how he is, or more just how he chooses to be. 

“Don’t apologize. I pushed you a lot tonight.” 

She turns to face him. “I need someone to do that.”

“Still… it’s not easy.”

It wasn’t. The memories of her pain still linger like a newly scarred wound in her chest. What’s worse than remembering the pain Rey endured is remembering what it almost made her  _ do.  _ She had suffered, she had starved, and then—then she had almost killed the person who had helped her. Yes, he had done bad things, but the desire wasn’t borne out of Rey’s morality. It was darkness, and she had almost fallen prey to it. 

“No. But… you’re right. I need to learn how to face it.”

Kylo doesn’t respond immediately, and Rey thinks he might offer some sort of commentary on how he’s  _ always  _ right or how the dark isn’t something to be feared. 

“What did you see?” he asks instead.

“I saw myself,” she says. “I saw  _ me.  _ That… wasn’t like the rest of those memories. How—”

Kylo sits patiently above her. “I don’t know,” he says. “I… I shouldn’t have pushed you to do that. I’m sorry.”

“No,” she shakes her head, sitting up. “We need to push limits if we’re going to get anywhere.”

“But you… what you saw…”

“Was  _ my  _ life. I am prepared to carry my own burdens.”

Kylo inspects her face. “You’re sure?”

“Yes,” she says. He waits a long moment and Rey takes a deep, heavy breath. Rey feels the shifting of weight as Kylo turns his body to face her. His cheek presses up against the fluffy pillow.

“Does it scare you still?”

“What?”

“The dark—now that you’ve seen it. Are you afraid of it?”

Of course. The last thing Rey wants to do is fall victim to the weakest parts of herself. 

“I’m scared of what it could make me.”

“Can’t be worse than what the  _ light  _ would make  _ me. _ ”

“Ben…” she begins, and yes, she is going to call him Ben if it will help, “the light  _ heals.  _ It would not hurt you.”

“It would numb me. I need to be passionate and vigilant for the Order to succeed.”

“The light has passion.”

“The light,” Kylo’s eyes burn as they stare at her, “Rejects everything that I am, Rey. There are pieces of it I can attune to, but overall, it would poison me. What is duty without passion? Or peace without emotion? I cannot abandon myself for some old Jedi bullshit.”

“It’s not  _ old Jedi bullshit. _ ”

“You’ll see when we read the texts.”

Rey sighs. “When  _ you  _ read the texts. Because I can’t kriffing read them.”

Kylo gazes at Rey with a certain level of interest. “There’s plenty of things you  _ can  _ do, Rey. Focus on those, and we’ll do this together.”

Lately it’s felt like everything Rey is capable of has slipped through her fingers. She can only hope that this assertion of Kylo’s is true, and that her entire existence in this war isn’t just useless. 

“You should sleep,” he says. “We both should.”

She agrees, and they both shuffle underneath the sheets on their respective sides before falling silent and drifting off into their own separate universes. 


	26. Swim

He joins her for training the next morning. More like Rey  _ lets  _ him join her, she decides to give him permission to tag along. Mostly it’s because upon waking up this morning, she realized that her body felt more well rested than it had in ages, and that she felt, well,  _ good.  _

Rey wants to test this theory that maybe spending time near Kylo could be good for her. It seems absolutely unfathomable, but also it doesn’t, when she’s honest with herself. In all reality, spending time with him isn’t the  _ worst  _ thing in life and Rey knows this. The way that they spark to each other is fascinating. He keeps her alert, questioning. She keeps him… well, Rey doesn't know how Kylo feels about  _ any  _ of it. Although, she does sense in his feelings when they go for a run a small sense of peace. This above all is surprising, seeing as lately Rey has felt more like a terror in other people's lives rather than a balm. She’s never been adept at calming other people down, nor is she entirely sure she  _ wants  _ to be. 

They meditate on the grassy lawn and then clamour back up the stairs to the stone patio that overlooks the beach and lake. Kylo leaves her to go grab something for them to eat for breakfast, and Rey plops down on one of the two small iron chairs on the deck and squirts out into the sunlight. 

He hadn’t been in her bed when she’d awoken, but Rey just knew he had stayed the night for her. She isn’t sure what to make of this, whether it was borne of guilt for pushing her to the dark or… something else. Before she can linger on this for too long Kylo returns with a plate of fruit and bread, as well as two glasses of water. 

She quickly takes a sip and sets the glass down on the table. 

“Are you feeling alright?” He asks. Rey knows he doesn’t mean after the training. And admittedly last night  _ had  _ taken a toll on her body. But the sleep had helped. 

“I’m okay,” she says. “We can work more on the bond tonight, right?”

He agrees. “We can. My Knight should be arriving tomorrow, so we should try and figure out everything that we can before we have the texts..”

Rey tenses at this. 

“It’ll be fine.” He says. “Don’t worry about it.”

Rey knows there is everything in the universe to worry about and more. For starters, she is  _ here _ , on Naboo, with  _ him.  _ Meanwhile, the Order is doing Force knows what, and the Resistance thinks she is dead or hiding or worse. And the biggest worry of all is that she doesn’t want to leave yet. 

“I’m sorry I made you stay,” she says, heat filling her cheeks. “I don’t want to make you feel like you need to  _ check  _ on me or anything. I’m fine, really, just figuring some things out.”

“It was okay. I even… slept better.”

She looks up at him. “Really?”

He nods. 

“Me too,” Rey confesses. “I think I’m starting to feel… settled here. I know it’s temporary, but thank you for not letting me stay on Jakku.”

Kylo shakes his head. “You are more than that place, Rey. I know you think that because you survived there, it was the only place to go, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Whatever you decide you want next, this place will always be open to you.”

“That’s kind of you,” she says politely.

Rey can feel Kylo’s eyes piercing into her, desiring her to say  _ something _ —anything, really, in response to this information. But Rey just doesn’t  _ know  _ what to say. She can’t stay here forever. At some point, they’re going to have to go their separate ways. Force bond or not, her and Kylo Ren are destined for different lives. His subtle proposals of  _ join me  _ and  _ we can work together  _ are idealistic, but would not ever really work in practice. He wants to lead the First Order. Rey does not. 

“We should jump into the lake,” Rey says suddenly.

Kylo raises an eyebrow. “The  _ lake _ ? Why would you want—”

“I’m tired, I’m sweaty. Let’s go swimming.”

“No.”

She narrows her eyes. “Fine,  _ I’m  _ jumping in the lake.”

“You don’t even know how to swim.”

“That doesn’t—wait, how do you know that?”

Kylo sets a serious look on his face. “I stole it from your mind.” 

Rey gasps and throws the piece of bread in her hand at him. It bounces off of his shoulder and lands on the table. 

“You  _ promised _ —”

“Rey,”

“ _ What? _ ”

“It was a joke.”

She blinks. “What?”

“It was a joke. I know you can’t swim because you grew up on Jakku and you’ve never talked about it.”

Rey crosses her arms. “Just because I never talked about it doesn’t mean I don’t know how!”

She does not—in fact—have any idea how to swim. But it doesn’t  _ matter _ . Rey just doesn’t want to sit here with him anymore. She’s never been swimming before and who knows when she’ll get the chance again. 

“Believe me, if you could swim,  _ I would know.  _ You love to talk about the things you know how to do. It was just a joke.”

“Impossible. You, Ben, do not make jokes. You don’t even know  _ how _ .”

“The dark side is very funny. You should’ve heard Snoke before he croaked. Wisecrack after wisecrack.” A smile quirks at the corner of his lips. Rey tries to glare at him but fails. 

“You’re ridiculous. And just because I can’t swim doesn’t mean I can’t  _ go swimming _ .”

“Do you know how deep the lake is?”

She shakes her head. 

“Deeper than you. And I won’t save you if you’re drowning.”

Rey raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Really.” He crosses his arms and leans back in his chair, facing back out to the lake again. Rey seethes at his nonchalance and his  _ humor. _

“Well, let's find out.”

Rey darts out of her seat, charging for the stairs and bounding down towards the grassy beach area. She hears the pounding of Kylo’s footsteps behind her, but Rey is too focused on the shining, glassy water below. As soon as she hits the beach, Rey kicks off her shoes and darts to the water’s edge in her training clothes. She begins to wade in and feels the cool water rising around her calves as she splashes into the knee-length depths. 

Rey spins around to see Kylo pulling off his shoes. He runs towards her, into the water, and she thinks he’s going to pull her out, when he reaches out and  _ pushes  _ her—

She falls back and splashes into the lake with a  _ thunk.  _ Her head dips underwater and water immediately fills her nostrils. She sits up—they’re only about knee deep in the water—and begins to cough. The amusement on Kylo’s face immediately turns to concern, so he reaches down to offer her a hand and Rey  _ tugs _ , pulling him into the water with her. 

Kylo comes back up with dripping dark hair and what Rey swears is an actual  _ smile  _ on his face. 

“I can’t believe you  _ pushed me in _ !” She shouts. “I’m in my  _ training clothes!” _

“You wanted to go swimming.”

“ _ Not in my training clothes!” _

“I couldn’t help it. I’m evil, right?”

She rolls her eyes. “Stop taking everything so  _ literally.  _ And might I remind you, the door is open for you to stop being evil at any moment.”

He shrugs, and Rey decides to deliberately  _ not  _ look at his shoulders, or anywhere but his face, for that matter, as he sits dripping wet in the water in front of her. Rey feels the cool water wash over her skin. She circles her hands in the water beside her, making mini whirlpools.

“Would it matter?” he asks. 

“Would what matter?”

“If I left it all behind—the dark, the Order—would it matter to you?”

Her heart skips a beat. “Ben, of  _ course  _ it would matter. The changes you make  _ for yourself  _ are the most important.”

“I don’t mean for me,” he says quietly. Rey stills. 

“Rey, would it matter to  _ you  _ if I left it behind?”

“What I think doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does. To me it does.”

“It shouldn’t. What happened to ‘ _ live for nobody but yourself? _ ’ I can want things for you, Ben. But you have to do things because you feel they are right, not because…”

“Because why?” he leans forward. Rey averts her gaze. 

“I don’t know.”

“ _ Because why, Rey?  _ You know.”

“Because  _ you want my approval!  _ Or something like that, I don’t know. I’m not you.”

She stands up and her workout clothes cling tightly to her body. Kylo stands, too, staring at her heatedly. Again, Rey is distinctly  _ not  _ looking at the way his shirt sticks to his chest. 

“We should both shower.”

Kylo doesn’t respond. Rey begins to trudge her way out of the water and search for her shoes on the beach. 

“I know what I want,” Kylo says from behind her. Rey turns around on the shore to see him standing in the water still. 

“But it isn’t what you want, and I can’t seem to reconcile that no matter how hard I try. But maybe, if I knew what mattered to you—”

“You know what I’ve always wanted for you, Ben. From that very first confession in the bond you’ve known. But I don’t want you to do anything to please me, I want you to make the choices that  _ you  _ think are right, to come to your own conclusions. That is what matters to me more than anything else. I’m not some sort of moral standard for you to hold to. I don’t want to be.”

With that, Rey turns around and runs back up to the house, leaving Kylo to stand dripping on the beach of the lake alone.

\---

The stars settle in the sky to watch Rey and Kylo Ren for the third night in a row as they ponder on the complexities of their connection. She wasn’t sure he’d come, she hadn’t seen him since their breakfast together this morning. 

Late into the afternoon Rey had pressed her ear up to his stuff to hear him talking to somebody over a transmission. For Resistance purposes, she probably should’ve stayed. But the last thing Rey wanted was to be caught snooping around, so she went back to the library and once again took on the impossible task of trying to find a book that she wanted to read. 

He knocks on her door when Rey is already dressed for bed. By  _ dressed for bed,  _ she’s in a large black shirt that she found in the drawers. Rey pulls out from underneath the sheets and opens the door. 

Kylo takes one look at her and falters. “Oh, were you sleeping?”

“Not yet.”

“Sorry, I thought we were—”

“—it seemed like you weren’t coming so I—”

“Work,” he says. “I was busy with the Order.”

She shrugs. “Well, you’re here now.” Rey opens the door further and Kylo steps inside.

He closes the door behind himself and takes a long look at her. 

“That’s my shirt,” he says. 

Rey blushes  _ furiously.  _ “It was in the drawer, I just—”

“It’s fine,” he says. Kylo’s eyes run down her body, and Rey reflexively covers her arms over her chest. She should’ve considered he still would’ve come, she should’ve put on  _ pants _ —

“I think I got water in my ear earlier,” Rey blurts. “Is that a thing?”

Kylo seems to snap out of whatever trance he’s in.

“What do you mean by is it a  _ thing? _ ”

“I mean do people, you know, ever have that happen? Maybe I’m just imagining it.”

He smiles. “It does happen. You have to knock it out.”

“Knock it out?” Rey does  _ not  _ want to slam something into her head to get the little drop of water out of her ear. It’s not worth it. 

Kylo motions tilting his head sharply to one side over and over again. Rey then understands by  _ knocking it out  _ that he doesn’t literally mean knocking her head into something, but rather pushing the water out with velocity. She mimics his action a few times, but the ear still feels clogged. 

“Try again,” he says. “This used to happen to me as a kid, sometimes it takes a few tries.”

Rey pictures a young brooding Kylo hitting his head sharply to the side to get out a tiny drop of water. Where does the water  _ go _ , she wonders, if Rey can’t get it out? Will her hearing feel clogged for the rest of her life?

She tilts her head sharply again and feels the drop trickle out of her ear. Rey grins. 

“Got it! Thank the Force, that has been annoying me all day.”

“You just left it in there  _ all day _ ?” 

She shrugs. “I thought I might be imagining it, I wasn’t even sure it was water. I wanted to ask you, but—” she stops herself. 

“You don’t have to avoid me,” he says. “If that’s a question you had, I wouldn’t have minded answering it.”  
“Yes, but you were… working. And I didn’t want to interrupt.”

He shakes his head. “You have  _ never  _ minded interrupting my life before. I think you didn’t want to know what I was doing  _ for  _ work.”

Of course he’s right, and Rey isn’t sure if it’s the bond or Kylo’s natural intuition that tells him this. Perhaps they know each other well enough now to make predictive assumptions. It would make sense, Rey thinks. Most of what they do nowadays is just  _ talking;  _ a sharp change from before, when words scarcely passed between them. 

“Can we not talk about it?” she asks. “We wanted to focus on the bond, let’s focus on it.”

“Of course,” he agrees, and the two of them make their way over to sit on the top of the bed together. 

They start by sharing memories, and Rey finds her choices to be either extremely recent or very distant, seeing as she is wary to share memories of her time in the Resistance. Those feel like  _ hers,  _ something she keeps just for herself. Although she’s willing to give pieces of herself to explore the bond, the relationships she holds with her friends in the Resistance isn’t something Rey feels inclined to share with him. 

He gives her small pieces from the distant past mostly, things she knows he hasn’t shared with others. In most of the memories he is alone, reading a book or writing calligraphy —Rey wonders if he still does that, she means to ask him—and in many occasions, just  _ being.  _ He doesn’t show her Leia or Han or even Snoke. It’s just Kylo as he was before all of this. 

Rey shows him a night of dinner with Pree where she cuts her hand on the knife while making dinner and they have to seal it with a bandage. When Kylo returns from the memory, his face is impassive.

“That’s your friend?” he asks. 

“Yeah. He lived across the hall on Coruscant.” She supposes it’s fine to tell him this now, seeing as one of his Knights has already been to his apartment and she most likely won’t be going back.

“You like him?”

“He’s funny,” she shrugs, then Rey brightens. “He said  _ I’m  _ funny, too. You never say that.”

“You never tell many jokes around me.”

“Well… nevermind. Kriff, Pree must be worried sick that I never came back. I hope he’s alright. I’d promised we’d spend the night together after the gala so I could tell him all about how weird Bale Thanas is. He’s probably pissed at me.”

“After all this, you’re worried if some random man on Coruscant is angry with you?” He raises an eyebrow. 

“Well, he’s my friend,” Rey says defensively. “I don’t want him to think I don’t care about him or anything like that.”

“I’m sure he just thinks you're dead or missing, seeing as you went onto a First Order ship and never came back.”

“Everyone probably thinks that,” she says. “Except you, I guess.”

“Except me. And I’d know if you were dead.” He taps his temple and gestures between them. 

“Through the Force,” Rey affirms. “But everyone else… they have no idea what happened.”

“Why are you so worried about other people all the time?” Kylo asks. “These people… they hurt you, and then you worry about  _ their  _ pain. Isn’t it enough to leave and feel better off?”

Rey bristles at this. He speaks of her friends like they’re so….  _ disposable.  _ And people and relationships aren the sort of thing you should ever just toss away. They’re worth more than that.

“I still care about them.”

He shakes his head. “No, I don’t think that’s it.”  
“That’s absolutely it!”

Kylo studies her. “Can I be honest with you?” he asks. 

Rey agrees. 

“I think you’re afraid that if you ever go back to the Resistance, they won’t have you, and you’ll be alone again.”

“That’s not true. I don’t even know if I’m going back,” Rey says instinctually.

“But you  _ might, _ ” Kylo says. “Why else would you keep those memories from me other than to protect the Resistance just in case you return to them?”

“Maybe because some things are just  _ mine.  _ You don’t show me everything from the Order. I thought we were just respecting that.”

“We  _ are _ . But I’m not afraid that the Order is going to abandon me emotionally. I never got that kind of attachment.”

Rey doesn’t know what’s coming next, and or where it will lead her. Kriff, she wishes she did. She wishes it was all that easy to just have a path through life that was clear and simple. But if she  _ does _ go back, what if they’ve replaced her? What if they’ve got a new plan that doesn’t involve a Jedi? Will she even still have a place there?

Kylo shrugs. “That’s the nature of organizations like the Order and the Resistance, you know. You belong as long as you are useful. You can’t go anywhere afraid of being alone, because you will never find what you’re looking for if driven by that fear.”

“I’m not afraid of being alone,” she snaps. 

“Yes you are. And so am I. People are afraid of that, but we can’t let it be the only thing that drives us.”

“I’m not afraid of being alone,” she says again. “I know what it’s like to be alone and I’ve survived it, so…”

Kylo watches Rey and she senses an interesting flash in his eyes. “But you know what you’re afraid of,” he states. “What is it that you’re afraid of, Rey?”

She can’t tell him. There’s no way she’s telling  _ Kylo Ren  _ her deepest fear. It’s… a bad idea if there ever was one. So Rey tells him something quite simpler, a fear that may not be deepest inside her, but is true.

“I am not afraid of being alone, but I am… afraid of being lonely, if that makes sense. I’ve spent so much of my life building myself up so that I matter to  _ me _ , and that’s harder than it sounds. You don’t know what it’s like to live a life where nobody knows who you are, or cares who you are, or even wants something good or bad to happen to you. Being alone is sitting in a room by yourself, but being lonely is never anticipating or wanting anyone to open the door and join you.”

She pauses, taking a deep breath. 

“But I’ve never been able to grab onto that… _thing_ that you need to really care about yourself. You say _live for nobody but yourself,_ but I just don’t know how. It’s always been clouded by me needing to be something for other people. I survived for my parents. I lived as a Jedi for my friends and Luke and Leia. And some of it was for me, too, but the center of it has always been for someone else, because I’m… so afraid that without being a survivor or a Jedi or a Resistance member that I am nothing to anyone else. I think, to care about myself that deeply, I just once need to fill this longing of feeling like somebody else cares about me, too, just because of who I am. For once, I just want to _know_ that it’s because of _me—_ not my situation, not my abilities, but _me._ And it's so incredibly selfish, I know, but I can’t let it go.”

Kylo is silent. She worries he must think she’s absolutely ridiculous now, rambling on about feelings when there’s so much more at stake in the galaxy than just herself. It isn’t that Rey doesn’t care about the other things—the war and her friends and the Force—it’s just that, she doesn’t know  _ how  _ to care about them. She doesn’t know how to care about herself, either. Everything just feels so twisted and disjoint from how she spent the first portion of her life and she isn’t sure how to abandon old habits. The Force matters, but not as much as survival. The bond matters, too, but it is threatening to her. It leaves a spot of vulnerability that she is unable to cover up. People with weaknesses like that don’t survive on Jakku. How will she survive out here in the galaxy when the most powerful person in the galaxy has access to her insecurities? 

“Sorry—” She begins.

“Don’t apologize,” Kylo says, his dark eyes watching her sincerely. “Rey… please don’t ever feel like you have to apologize to me for feeling things.”

She swallows. “I was rambling,” Rey says shakily. “You asked me a question, and I rambled  _ ridiculously long.  _ I mean—what are  _ you  _ afraid of?”

Kylo shrugs. “Things.”

“ _ Things?  _ I blurt out a ridiculous speech like that and you tell me  _ things? _ ” 

Unbelievable, she thinks. The man is too hot and cold for her to ever understand him. 

“I’ll tell you another time, I promise,” he says. “Just not tonight. And it wasn’t ridiculous, I asked and you answered. That’s what… people like us do.”

Rey smiles weakly. “ _ People like us _ , it’s like we’re business partners or something, Kriff.”

Kylo’s expression changes suddenly, a sharpness in his gaze. “We could be friends,” he says. 

Any other thought happening in Rey’s mind is immediately wiped away. She gapes at him.

“We could try,” Kylo continues, “If you want. We’ve never agreed deliberately to what is happening, but if you want to be friends, Rey, we can be that.”

She turns the word over in her head. Friends… with  _ Kylo Ren.  _ It seems absolutely impossible. 

“I thought you said you didn’t have friends? What was it….  _ no need for such casual relationships _ .” She mimics his deep broodiness. 

“I think I can make an exception since we’re, you know, connected by the soul or something, and I don’t really think we’re enemies anymore.”

_ But do you really think we’re friends?  _ She wants to ask. Friends is the word for what she feels for Rose and Finn and Poe and even Lena. It isn’t what she feels when she looks at him. The feeling is… deeper, sharper. But Rey cannot name it, and at least if they are friends they are  _ something,  _ and not just existing in this weird limbo anymore. 

“Fine. Friends.” 

She sticks out her hand to shake his. Kylo’s lip quirks as he takes Rey’s hand and shakes it.

“Very official,” he says. 

“I thought you wanted an agreement?” Rey replies, confused. 

“I did.” He gazes at her face. “Thank you.”

Rey yawns, and Kylo seems to take this as his signal to go. It almost feels scarier than last night, Rey realizes, to reach this moment. She had asked him to stay because she was afraid. But asking him to stay tonight, well, that is  _ different.  _ She doesn’t know if she wants to open that line with him. 

But as Kylo begins to walk away, Rey feels that  _ pull  _ in her chest, that sensation that said  _ yes _ . And maybe that voice is wrong. Maybe she should just let him walk away and let last night be a special occasion and not a pattern. But she also thinks watching him walk away would be harder than letting him stay.

“Ben,” she takes a deep breath. “You can stay, if you want to stay.”

He looks at her, his facial expression unreadable. 

“If we both sleep better, what’s the harm?” She says.  _ Everything. Or nothing. I still don’t know.  _

He nods silently, stepping back towards her, then pauses.

“Are you sure?”  _ Is this what you want? _

“I’m sure.” 

Kylo walks over and slides back onto the bed. 

This might be a terrible idea—the worst idea Rey’s ever had, really. Kylo Ren sleeping in her  _ bed.  _ It can just be that, the two of them needing that shared comfort in order to really rest. Rey needs to keep it at that for herself. 


	27. Knight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the knights of ren in this story are totally of my own imagination because i simply do not want them all to be men lol. anyway, thanks for reading!

Rey opens her eyes to beams of warm yellow light washing her face. She rolls over and gently opens her eyes to peer out the front doors of her balcony. There’s a figure sitting on the bench, his back to her.  _ Ben.  _ Right. He had stayed last night—at her request. She crawls out of bed and heads outside to sit beside him. Kylo wordlessly offers her a cup of caf. Rey takes a sip and holds the warm mug between her hands.

“The Knight I sent for your things is here,” he says. “She’s going to barge in any minute, so just be prepared.”

Rey looks behind her at the messy bed that has clearly been slept in on both sides.

“Is there anything I need to know?”  
“Just… be careful how you talk to her. She’s pretty fierce about the Knights.”

Rey tries her best to swallow down the nerves bubbling up inside her. She never  _ wanted  _ to meet the Knights of Ren. They’re people that know more of his dark past then her, and she isn’t sure she’s ready to contend with this piece of him again. 

Kylo seems equally as anxious with his jaw set in a harsh line as he stares out at the lake. Rey wonders how early he got up this morning, and if he really spent the entire night in her bed. It  _ looks  _ like that, and Rey feels that way, too. She feels peacefully rested from their rest together.

There’s a loud thud noise from the hallway that sounds like a stone being cracked in half. Rey shoots up from her seat on the bench and spins around. 

“That’d be her,” Kylo says. He takes Rey’s mug from her hands and places it on the floor beside his own. Kylo looks back up at her and lightly lays a hand on her shoulder before heading back into her room. 

The door swings open to reveal a tall woman with inky black hair dressed in grey civilian clothes that don’t quite fit. She’s quite beautiful, Rey thinks, and trying to disguise it. But with sharp cheekbones and deep set dark eyes like that, there’s really no way you could ever hide her looks. 

Over one shoulder she carries a large bag, and in her hand is Rey’s staff. 

“I didn’t realize I was your kriffing chauffeur,” the woman says. She drops the bag at the foot of Rey’s bed and leans the staff against the bedpost. 

“Why do you need this stuff anyway?”

Rey is struck by the Knight’s brashness. She expected the woman to be much more… reserved, considering how obsessed with protocol Kylo seems to be. And yet he doesn’t seem to be surprised by the woman’s sharp tongue. 

“That’ll be all. You’re dismissed.”

The woman scowls. “Oh  _ hell  _ no. I just flew across the galaxy for you. I need to  _ sleep—” _

Rey steps off the balcony and into the bedroom. Both Kylo and the woman turn their attention to her. The woman’s eyes widen slightly, then she rearranges her face into a look of indifference.

“You’re Rey,” the woman says. “The Jedi.”

“She’s not a Jedi,” Kylo asserts. 

The woman looks Rey up and down, surveying her bare feet and t-shirt and messy hair. Again, Rey curses herself for lack of attire. Why didn’t she  _ think  _ last night?

“Rey the not-Jedi. Here. And these  _ sacred Jedi texts….  _ they’re yours?”

“I borrowed them,” Rey says.

_ I thought you didn’t tell people my name,  _ she shoots to Kylo.

_ The Knights are an exception. It was need to know. _

“The person you borrowed them from must not be happy with you,” the woman says.

“The person I borrowed them from is dead.”

The group goes silent. Rey wonders if she was too bold. The Knight laughs and turns her attention to Kylo.

“She’s quite like you, Kylo.”

“Don’t say that in front of her or she’ll try and knock you out with that staff,” Kylo says, but Rey notices a small smile he’s trying to suppress. 

The woman’s eyes drift back to the staff at the edge of the bed, and then to the bed itself, with it’s rumpled sheets and shifted pillows.

“I like the unexpected,” the woman says, then strides over to Rey. 

“I’m Talaa Ren, one of the Knights of Ren.” She holds out her hand. Rey shakes it. 

“I’m Rey,” she tries to think of a title for herself. She’s  _ not  _ a Jedi, Kylo just confirmed it. And it doesn’t seem right to say so.

“Kylo’s friend,” she adds. There. That’s a designation, right? 

Talaa raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t object. She shakes Rey’s hand and then turns back to Kylo. 

“So _ ,  _ I’m staying at least a night. You have  _ no idea  _ the trip I’ve had. Seems like your room is free, right? I’ll leave my stuff in there.”

Rey’s cheeks turn scarlet. Kylo rolls his eyes. 

“There’s a guest room. Second door to your left.”

Talaa looks between the two of them. “Alright,” she says. “I’ll be back in a few.”

As soon as she leaves, Rey spins to Kylo. “What the hell was that?”

Kylo shrugs. “I told you, she’s… difficult. But Talaa is trustworthy. You’ll be fine.”

“Of course I’ll be  _ fine _ ,” Rey grumbles. “But it doesn’t change the fact that she came in here to notice we’re  _ sleeping in the same bed.  _ What if she tells your other Knights? Or the Order?”

“She won’t. Not if I tell her not to. And if you didn’t want me to stay, you should’ve made that more clear last night.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“What did you mean, then?”

Rey sighs heavily. Doesn’t he  _ see?  _ He does, she thinks. He’s just toying with her. 

“I mean, if it gets out that we share a bed, people are going to start drawing conclusions about us.”

“Conclusions?”

“Come on, Ben,” Rey says flatly. “I might’ve grown up on Jakku, but you can stop treating me like I don’t know  _ anything  _ now. If word gets out, people will start thinking we’re more than friends.”

Ben studies her face. “Would it be so bad if we were?”  
Heat rushes back to Rey’s face. She casts her eyes downward. “That’s not what we’re talking about. People will make assumptions if we don’t stop word from getting out. You need to go tell Talaa to keep this to herself so that _—”_

Just then Talaa reenters the room, and Rey clamps her mouth shut. 

“Rey doesn’t want you to tell anyone that we share a bed,” Kylo says. “And we’re just friends, if you couldn’t tell from her initial introduction.”

If Rey was just a little closer, and a little taller, she would punch him in the face. Force be damned, she would punch him square in the nose. 

Talaa nods, an easy grin on her face. “She’s going to kill you later,” she says, and Rey tries the best to wipe the scowl from her face and appear _ — _ if possible _ — _ impassive. She’s pretty positive that it doesn’t work. 

Kylo’s commlink buzzes. Rey doesn’t remember him having  _ that  _ last night. He must’ve picked it up from his room this morning. Kylo looks between the two women and seems to make a decision. 

“It’s Hux,” he says. “I’ve got to go. But Rey _ — _ you train. Talaa, sleep. Or whatever you need to do.”

“I’m training with Rey,” Talaa says, turning her sharp gaze towards Rey. Rey opens her mouth to object, but Talaa gets in her word first. “We need to get better acquainted.”

Rey feels in her gut that there is no argument she could possibly make to convince Talaa to stay behind.

“Let me change,” Rey says. “I’ll meet you in the hall in five minutes.” 

Kriff. This can’t end well.

\---

Talaa reappears in clothes that actually fit her. She’s a bit taller than Rey _ — _ around Kylo’s height but maybe a bit shorter. A nervous bubble rises in Rey’s chest as she and the beautiful Knight make their way down to the grass. 

“What do you start with?” Talaa asks. 

“A run. Then meditating, then some strength and endurance if I’m up for it.”

“Sparring?”

“I can’t. I don’t have a weapon.”

“Isn’t that staff I brought yours?”

She nods, and a dangerous grin spreads across Talaa’s face. “Let’s see what you’re made of then, Rey the Not-Jedi.”

Two hours later, Rey and Talaa lay panting and sweaty on the grass together. She’s fought Kylo, of course, and the droids on base, as well as a few sparring sessions with Poe and Lena. But  _ this— _ this is different. Like taking out Snoke’s guard, Rey and Talaa’s fight is unpredictable. The Knights rhythm and stance is as erratic as her personality. She spars with a staff not too dissimilar from Rey’s, and much to Rey’s surprise, they find themselves at a relatively equal match. 

“Fight the other Knights like that,” Talaa says, breathing heavily, “and they might just want you in.”

Rey closes her eyes and feels the sweat shimmering on her face. She hasn’t fought like that in  _ ages _ . Talaa might scare the ever-living shit out of her, but she’s one hell of a partner.

Talaa forces herself up onto her elbows and Rey rises to meet her. The Knight looks just as sweaty and exhausted as her, which is a relief. Rey’s glad to know she challenged her, too. 

“I don’t think the other Knights would agree with my…. other perspectives.”

Talaa swipes an arm across her forehead. “What, the Force? I thought Kylo said you weren’t a Jedi.”

“I’m not, but I’m not whatever you all are, either. I believe in the light.”

_ That  _ probably wasn’t the best thing to say to a kriffing  _ Knight of Ren,  _ Rey realizes all too late. But instead of lashing out, Talaa just stares at her. 

“So tell me this, Rey: what could have possibly endeared you to sharing a lakehouse with Kylo Ren months after attempting to murder him?”  
“It’s complicated,” Rey says. 

“Everything is. But when my enemy ends up in the home of my Master, I’m afraid I’m going to need more details.”

Rey blushes. 

“Well... he came to help me on Lothal about a month ago. I was having some… issues with the Resistance. And then he took me to Coruscant and I disappeared for a while. But then I went to the gala, and things got all messed up, so I couldn’t go back to Coruscant. So he took me here.”

“He took you here from the gala?”

“Technically we went to Jakku first.”

_ “Jakku?” _

“That’s where I’m from.”

“Kriff. You don’t say.”

“Yeah.”

“So you’ve convinced Kylo to fly across the galaxy for you twice in the past month. I can barely even get him to show up at a meeting for the Knights that  _ he  _ is in charge of. What are you whispering in his ear?”

If Rey's face can even get any redder, it does. 

“I’m not whispering  _ anything  _ in his… ear. We have a Force bond. I’m sure he’s told you.”

“He mentioned it.” 

Rey knows she’s going to have to find out more about what he  _ mentioned _ —and when he mentioned it—later.

“Well, he’s just being nice because of that. Otherwise we probably would’ve killed each other by now.”

“Nothing makes Kylo Ren act  _ nice _ ,” Talaa says. “Except for you, apparently.”

Rey shrugs. Maybe  _ nice  _ wasn’t the right word. He’s… agreeable? Honest? She doesn’t know. They just feel  _ connected _ , she thinks. Like each of them is slowly tiptoeing towards understanding something, though what that thing is, Rey doesn’t know. 

“Now that he’s not talking for you,” Talaa says pointendly. “Let's be honest. Are you together?”

Rey nearly chokes. “ _ Together?” _

“You know… _ together.  _ I guess it’s not surprising with all of the Force stuff, even if you are from Jakku.”

“First of all, Jakku is  _ not  _ a bad place to be from. And second, no we aren’t  _ together. _ We’re bonded through the Force, chasing each other across the galaxy sometimes, running away others. It’s… complicated. But we’ve decided to be friends. It’s the best way for us to figure out all of this Force stuff.”

“You wouldn’t lie to me, would you? I’ll just ask him about it—”

_ “Do not ask him that question.  _ I promise we’re not.”

Talaa shrugs. “Fine. Whatever you say….  _ Rey. _ ”

She rises from the grass, and extends Rey a hand. Rey wants to refute her more, to make sure the Knight knows  _ exactly  _ what’s going on. 

_ But you don’t know what’s happening, either,  _ a voice in her head says.  _ How can you tell her a truth you don’t know?  _ Rey promptly tells that voice to shut the hell up. 

After training, Talaa decides that she really  _ does  _ need to sleep after her trip from Coruscant. At first Rey is relieved, but then as time passes, it becomes apparent that being distracted from her own thoughts by the presence of the Knight might be a better alternative. She sits alone on the balcony, knees drawn up to her chest and hair freshly washed, and thinks. 

_ Nothing makes Kylo Ren act nice.  _ He’d flown across the galaxy for her more than once. Rey supposes that could be considered  _ nice.  _ And he’d bought her dinner on Centares, and left her alone on Coruscant when she’d asked, and let her stay in his family’s estate on Naboo. That’s nice, right? Oh, and he killed his own master to save her life. So maybe he’s… nice, but for her. For the Force, really, because it’s easier when you’re connected to someone through their mind to not actively fight them all of the time. 

She thinks… not that he could be a better person, that he  _ is  _ a better person than he pretends to be. Kylo Ren makes bad choices, but just as people have the capability to make bad choices, they have the capability to make good ones. And she’s  _ seen  _ the bad and the good. Of course Rey prefers the good. Kriff, she wishes he would just leave the First Order business behind, that they could stay here and—

That’s where her plans get fuzzy. Realistically, what would she _want_ if he left the Order behind? He’s explained to her that the Knights are no part of the Order, so she assumes he would return to them. Kylo had once called them his associates, but now that she’s met Talaa, she has to assume that he cares about and knows them better than some sort of business relationship. Yes, he would probably go back to them, master the Force on his own, and have no need for her anymore. Their connection is a product of the war itself, without the conflict, what need would he have to keep her around? None, really.  
Maybe ending the war is the key to all of it. Without the war, Kylo can return to the Knights and train in the Force and maybe find the good in himself that she knows is there. And she, well she could go anywhere, really, without the First Order around to attack her. She could return to her friends and celebrate, or mauber go somewhere new. _Not_ to Jakku, she knows. That last visit was enough for her to bury the feelings and fly away knowing she would never come back as a projection of feeling low about herself. She could go see Pree, or live in her apartment, or leave it all behind, find a place in the galaxy that’s completely green… 

“You’re like a storm in my brain.”

Rey turns around to see Kylo leaning on the door of the balcony, watching her. The sun is just barely setting in the sky. She skipped lunch, not feeling very hungry, and has pretty much resigned to spend her entire day out here. But now it’s a bit cold, and she’s wrapped herself in a blanket she found in the closet. 

“Sorry… was I thinking loudly?”

“Not thinking, really. Just feeling.”

“Oh.”

Kylo sits beside her on the bench and stares out at the lake. 

“How was Talaa this morning?”

“Intimidating,” Rey says honestly. “She’s pretty… forward.”

Kylo huffs. “That’s very true,” he says. “Snoke never liked the other Knights around, especially her. You wouldn't  _ believe  _ the things she said to him. If he didn’t separate us, she probably would be dead.”

Rey pictures Talaa standing tall and glorious in the throne room with her sparring staff. She could take on Snoke alone, probably. 

“We sparred today.”

“Did you win?”

“We decided to call a draw before any major injuries could occur.”

“That doesn’t sound like Talaa. Or you, for that matter.”

Rey shrugs. “I think it was surprising to both of us.”

Kylo watches Rey’s face as she stares out at the lake. She tucks away her feelings about their  _ later  _ conversation, wanting to keep that just to herself. Rey can only pray Talaa will keep her word and not ask Kylo if they’re… together. 

“What did you tell her about the Bond?” she asks. Rey is going to compare this information later. 

“After Crait, I felt it was only fair to let the Knights know that Snoke was dead. That was, of course, surprising to them. So I told them that I had sensed the connection between us—as well as your untapped potential—so I killed Snoke when he disagreed with training you.”

“That’s not quite what happened,” she says. “There was a lot more that happened between me and you outside of the throne room.”

“Yes, but that’s superfluous information to them.”

Rey thinks that might be the  _ most important  _ part of the story in her eyes, but maybe it is best that they don’t know about everything that has passed between them. 

“It must’ve been weird for them to see the wanted signs all over the galaxy,” Rey says dryly. “Seeing as you had just marketed me as a pretty important asset.”

“They had different instructions,” Kylo vaguely admits. 

“Such as?”

“It’s not important.”

“ _ Ben. _ ” She cuts him a sharp look. “What did you tell them to do if you found me?”

“Not to engage, unless you were in danger. It was our fight to finish, Rey, and I would never have asked them to end it.”

Rey is wary to reply to his loaded statement. So she sits in silence, knowing sooner or later Kylo will break the silence and continue. 

“Talaa probably had her suspicions coming here with a pile of Jedi texts, but coming in to find you and I in the main bedroom together having cups of caf was probably shocking.”

“If she was shocked, she surely kept it well hidden.”

“That’s what she’s trained to do,” Kylo says. “As well as to follow instructions and not question my judgments. She’s not so great at that last part all the time. But when it matters, I can count on her. And don’t worry, really. I won’t tell her anything else unless you want me to.”

A gust of wind passes over the balcony and Rey hugs the blanket closer to her chest.

“Well, I’m sorry I distracted you,” she says. “But I did want to ask—we can start on the texts tonight, right? As much as discovering the bond is important to me, I think that I need to do something real besides sitting around all day.”

Kylo nods. “Yes, of course. And Talaa can help you during the day tomorrow, too, if you’d like. I trust her to tell me if she learns anything interesting.”

Rey agrees and again they fall silent. It’s almost time for dinner, Rey realizes. She’s sure Talaa will wake up for that. And then they’ll explore the Jedi texts tonight, and tomorrow, and then what? She isn’t sure. Rey glances beside her to look at his profile. 

_ What are we doing, Ben? _

The question lingers in her mind long after he leaves. 

  
  



	28. Speak

Ben makes them dinner. 

Talaa doesn’t cook well. Neither does Rey. 

All throughout dinner, Rey feels Talaa observing her every move from the way she picks up her fork to the phrasing of every single phrase that comes out of her mouth. Rey supposes she’s like a sort of fascinating puzzle for the woman. Which is exhausting, really. If she wanted to spend her evenings having a pretty girl scrutinizing her across the room, she would’ve just stayed at the Resistance. People were always analyzing her there. 

Talaa fills Rey in on the other Knights of Ren, and she’s quite surprised that Kylo just stands by and lets her. Isn’t that the most top secret information he has? But no, by the end of dinner she’s learned of them all. 

There's Jeele and Jynna Ren—twins apparently, Sola Ren, Annik Ren, and one other man besides Kylo, Maro Ren. They’re all chosen names, Talaa tells her. Just like Kylo isn’t really Kylo at all, he’s Ben. But Talaa doesn’t say he’s Ben. Rey suspects they never talk about their birth names. She must know, though. She must know that Kylo Ren is also Ben Solo.

Kylo is mostly quiet while they eat. Rey suspects if Talaa hadn’t appeared, they would’ve eaten in silence. Rey likes silence. She’s also coming to think she finds Talaa Ren rather interesting, mostly for her unpredictability. It’s like she could drop a groundbreaking secret at any moment, so Rey always has her ears open. 

“I’m heading back to Garel tomorrow,” Talaa says. Rey perks up at this.

“Garel? Isn’t that the Lothal sector?”

In her mind, Kylo sends images her way—a deep purple sky, sand in the wind curling around tall rock formations. Garel. Rey has never been to this planet before, but Kylo has. 

Unaware of the exchange that has just taken place, Talaa continues. “I’ve been there a few months working on…. things.” Her eyes slide to Kylo, asking a silent question.

“How long have you been on Garel?”

“Before picking up your stuff? Three or four months, maybe.”

So they'd been close to Lothal when Rey had flown there to get her Kyber crystal. And Kylo said he’d been with his Knights before coming to her, meaning he had been minutes away by hyperspace travel. He had told her he was “in the area” but Rey was never thinking he was that close. It felt too strange to be a coincidence.

Kylo seems to see the question forming on her face, and he clamps down on it before she can even ask. “We were set to meet there a few months ago. I left early to get you, so the other Knights split up. Talaa remains to work on some projects for me.”

He doesn’t elaborate on what those projects are. 

“Don’t you dare lie to me,” Rey shoots his way. Talaa freezes and looks at Kylo, awaiting his cue of how to respond. Perhaps Rey should have kept that in her head.

“I would never,” Kylo says swiftly. “You know that.”

And then, privately in her mind, he says ask me any question you want after dinner. 

Not in front of Talaa, he means. And Rey isn’t sure why that is necessary, but she shrugs in response. 

Talaa ensures Rey that she won’t leave before breakfast tomorrow, so they can spar together in the morning. 

She stands from the table and flicks her eyes between Rey and Kylo. “Okay, I’m going to bed. You two enjoy your night together.”

Without further comment the Knight disappears, and Rey and Kylo are left in a dull awkward silence. It takes a solid minute for Rey to finally turn to Kylo and speak.

“I really did sleep better beside you last night. Will you stay again?”

“Of course.”

Rey and Kylo simultaneously decide to make their way to her room together. 

Rey silently takes her bag that Talaa brough this morning and pulls out the Jedi texts. She places them on the bed and then silently disappears into the bathroom to change into more comfortable clothing—with pants, this time. She’s not making that mistake again. When Rey returns, Kylo is already paging through one of the texts with interest. A wave of strange nausea hits her. Kriff, the last time he had looked at these texts with her like this, she’d been across the galaxy in a tiny room on the Resistance base. And now she was here, with him, and so much had transpired between them. For one, Rey has no intentions of murdering him tonight. Six months ago, that would be the most far fetched scenario she could think of. She sits on the edge of the bed beside him and looks down at the foreign script covering the pages of the book.

“Anything good?”

“No.”

She rolls her eyes and smiles. “I get it, nothing the Jedis write is good, right? How about… anything interesting?”

He shrugs, then rests the book on his lap. “Maybe soon, but first I want to be honest with you about the Knights.”

Rey agrees this is for the best, so she asks him about Garel and the Knights and he tells her—honestly—quite a lot. Kylo was on Garel when Rey left the Resistance to fly to Lothal. But he wasn’t waiting for her, nor was he expecting her to leave so suddenly. Rey had, at the time, been adamant that she was staying put, so he figured nothing was going to change. 

And then the bond had opened, and she’d been frantic and barreling towards Lothal at alarming speeds and Kylo had panicked. 

“You’re always so centered and focused, but you weren’t then. I thought that ship was going to crash and you’d be dead. It was agonizing after the bond cut out to wait to hear from you again, but I didn’t want to go to Lothal to check if you’d lived if you didn’t want me to be there.”

It was true, Rey remembers, that she had wanted to do that alone. Kylo explains how he stayed on Garel to meet with the Knights—though he dances around what the topic of that meeting was—and how once she asked him to come, he immediately prepared to leave.

“I didn’t know what was going to happen next,” he says honestly. “I had no idea that you’d want to go to Coruscant, but when I saw that look on your face, I knew you didn’t need me, you needed to figure things out for yourself. I wanted to help.”

“You’re wrong about that,” Rey says, looking down at her hands. “I did need you then. I was… lost. I still am. But I needed someone to give me a path to go down. You told me it was okay to run. I needed to hear that.”

Kylo is silent beside her, and Rey’s mind races. So he hadn’t been following her, after all. It had been coincidence on his part—although Rey knows that within the Force nothing is a coincidence. Ben Solo had been near Lothal that day because Rey needed him to be. 

“Talaa says I’m whispering in your ear,” Rey says. “And I told her it wasn’t true. But maybe it kind of is, right? I mean, you heard me on the Falcon and then came to Lothal. I’m telling you things to do all of the time in secret communication.”

“Talaa also suggests monthly that we gamble my family fortune on Canto Bight. Her ideas are often a little bit extreme.”

Rey laughs. “Kriff. She’s so scary—and I don’t say that lightly.”

And beautiful, Rey thinks. One of the prettiest people she’s ever seen. 

“She’s trained to be scary,” Kylo supplies. “But the attitude, that’s all her. I have no idea where she picked it up from.”

Rey never would have imagined a Knight of Ren would be like Talaa. It intrigues her more to meet the others. 

“Why didn’t you want to talk more in front of her at dinner?”

He shrugs. “Some things are just for us, you know?”

Right. 

Kylo holds up the book again and begins to look through the pages. Rey leans her head near his shoulder to see, but is careful to not rest on him. He says nothing for a while and just reads the texts. Rey probably ought to demand he say more out loud, but her eyes drift from the book up to his face and she becomes extremely distracted in the activity of watching him read. 

Of course, she’s thought about it before, but he does have a sort of nice looking face, especially from the side profile…. 

Kylo traces his finger over a line of text. “They’re talking about Force Bonds,” he says. 

She leans in closer, eager. “What does it say?”

“I’m still reading.”

“Read faster. And share. Why haven’t you been sharing? These are my books.”

“Because I’m trying to find something useful to give you. Most of this you’ve already figured out for yourself.”

His finger stops sliding over the page. Kylo looks up at Rey, a grave look across his face.

“What is it?”

“I don’t think there’s a way to break the bond.”

Rey falters. “What?” Is that what he was looking for in these books? Rey just thought he was curious. 

“I’m sorry, Rey. I thought, maybe, there was a way I could end this—”

“The bond—you wanted to end the bond? Then why the hell are we studying it? Why—why all this time together?”

“Because it fascinates me. You fascinate me. But I thought perhaps after we got the texts that I could end it, maybe. That you wouldn’t have to be tethered to me anymore.”

Rey’s face heats. “Well I’m sorry for the disappointment, but it seems like you’re stuck with me.”

She turns away from him. Kriff. She had thought… well Rey had thought maybe Kylo wanted the bond. She’s not saying it was the most positive thing to happen to her, but it was interesting at least. And isn’t Kylo Ren fascinated by learning more about the Force? Rey had told Talaa herself that Kylo was just being kind to her because of the bond. Would he break it and then kill her? She doesn’t know. 

“I’m not,” Kylo says. “Disappointed.”

“Don’t lie to me, Ben. We’ve been through this a million times, the only thing I ask is that you do not lie to me.”

“It’s not a lie. I thought I could break the bond and then—”

Rey turns back to him, eyes wet. “And then what? You’d kill me without the guilt? Is that why I’m here? You’re keeping a close eye on me until you can find a way to end this without hurting your own powers? If that’s the case, Ben, I’m going. Kriff, I’m so stupid. I thought that—”

He catches her wrist in his own hand. “I wanted to end it for you,” he says. 

Rey freezes. 

For her? Beside her, Kylo clears his throat. 

“I know you never wanted this, Rey. I know it’s kept you from other things you’ve wanted for yourself and I thought maybe I could end it and you could go… wherever. Be happy like you were on Coruscant with that man and never have to worry about me in your mind.”

“I don’t want to be happy on Coruscant,” She spits. “I want to… I don’t know. Study the Force! End all this conflict. But…. I also want to be your friend, Ben. The bond has made me realize that.”

He stares at her for a long moment. “You want to be my… friend?”

Isn’t that what they just decided yesterday? But now he hedges the word against her like it’s some sort of insult. Rey thought it had been long established at least that she didn’t want to be his enemy anymore, and friend seemed like the space where they met. But now Kylo is looking at her like the word makes him sick. 

Rey falls back on the bed and sighs. “How is it that our minds are literally connected and we don’t understand each other?”

“Talaa says I have communication issues.”

“Talaa is right.” Rey leans up on her elbows. “You said last night that we could be friends, Ben.”

“I did.”

“And now that I’m reaffirming that I want that, you’re looking at me like I’ve grown a second head. Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why are you looking at me like that? Do you not want to be my friend?”  
“I do want to be your friend, Rey. But it’s more complicated than that, and one day I’ll tell you more, but not today.”

Rey is sure racking up a long list of things that he’s going to tell her ‘one day’. She hopes that one day comes soon, because she’s starting to lose tracks of all his promises. 

“All this time, have you really been searching for a way to end the bond for me? Why wouldn’t you just ask if that’s what I wanted?”

“Because I already knew the answer.”

“Well clearly you didn’t, Ben.”

“Rey…” Kylo trails off. “Rey, I know I’m not the best communicator, but I think that goes both ways. Remember when I said we should ask questions?”

She nods. 

“Well, I think we need to actually do that more. Because I had no idea that you wouldn’t want me to end the bond. You’re hot and cold every day, I could only assume…”

“That I would want to get rid of you,” Rey completes. Kylo nods. 

“It would be easier, I’ll admit, but it’s not… what I want.”

Kylo lets out a heavy breath. “What do you want, then?”

“I don’t know.” She is honest. 

“You’ll figure it out.”

Rey hopes she will soon. Somehow she has this sneaking suspicion that this gentle respite she’s encountered won’t hold much longer. And once she’s not able to unanimously hide with Kylo Ren and share his bed, where will they stand? She wants to be his bondmate still; now he knows this about her. But Rey also wants the Resistance to succeed. Where does that position her?

“I’m tired,” she lies. “Can we… go to sleep?”

Ignoring the fact that the sun has just set, Kylo obliges her. They settle back into bed together, and tonight Rey turns around on her pillow to look at him. Kylo’s eyes flutter closed, and his face looks truly peaceful.

It’s a mirage, Rey knows—a trick of the body. Kylo Ren might look calm in rest, but he is just as torn as he has ever been. So is Rey. She does not know what will happen next now that they are officially bound for life.

\--

“He is, honestly, the dumbest person I have ever met,” Talaa says. 

Rey has just finished telling Talaa a summarized version of last night’s events, leaving out more of the personal details. She didn’t think she would confide in the Knight, but upon waking up in bed this morning tangled up against the body of Kylo Ren she decided that her life was officially just too absurd to keep it to herself. They had spent nights sleeping beside one another, but never touching. It must have happened in the middle of the night. Rey had awoken with his arms circling her and the steady rise and fall of his chest against her back. Slowly she had slipped out of his arms and gotten ready for the day with her thoughts spinning. 

The options for confiding in another person were incredibly limited. 

“We’ve spent all this time exploring the bond, I don’t know why he’d want to throw all of it away.”

“He doesn’t,” Talaa says. “For some reason, the man thinks his only lot in life is to suffer, so ending the bond is cutting off the only person he has feelings for.”

Rey blushes. “He doesn’t—that’s not—”

“Please, Rey. I’ve been here less than twenty four hours and I can already see what’s going on with that man. If you want to ignore it, fine. But I chose to live in reality.”

At breakfast, Kylo passes by Rey on the way to the kitchen counter and absently brushes a hand over her shoulder. Talaa shoots her a look as if to say see what I mean? And Rey scowls back at her.

They eat in silence until Kylo’s Comm buzzes and he steps out of the room. Immediately, Talaa leans over the table. 

“See what I mean? He likes you.”

Rey looks up from her bowl to glare at Talaa. 

“Don’t you have more important things to worry about?”

“I do. But this situation I’ve stumbled upon here is so much more interesting. Just wait until I tell Jynna Ren—”

“You won’t be telling Jynna Ren anything.” Okay, Rey takes back her previous assessment. Talaa Ren is not scary, she’s just a pure gossip. And that isn’t scary. Frankly, it’s annoying. 

“Sooner or later, Rey—”

“Sooner or later nothing. If you say a word of your theories to anyone I’ll—”

But Talaa Ren never gets to find out what exactly Rey would threaten to do if she shared her theory. Because at that moment, Kylo bursts back into the kitchen. 

“There’s been a revolt,” he says. “Troopers on Absolution. They fought back against officers en masse.”

Talaa raises an eyebrow. “Was it contained?”

“To that ship, yes. They’re holding those who have been captured and are awaiting my orders. But…. some escaped.”

Rey’s breath catches. And we know where they went. How could he not know?

“You don’t know the Resistance has anything to do with this,” she says. “Maybe it’s your immoral recruitment tactics coming back to bite you in the ass.”

But in the back of her mind, she recalls something that Lena said to her a long time ago: War is the only way I know how to live. What else would I be?

“Someone had to get into their heads,” Kylo says. “Our training… it is impeccable, despite what you may think. No Trooper on Absolution would defect without somebody whispering in their ear.”

There is a question in his statement. And Rey knows the answer: Finn. Her heart flutters with excitement for a brief moment with the knowledge that Finn’s plans to get to the Troopers are finally taking action. Yet, what does this mean for her now? She can hardly gloat in the fact that the First Order is crumbling when she’s sharing a bed with their leader. It isn’t safe. She isn’t safe. 

“What will you do?” Rey asks. 

“I’m reporting to Absolution immediately. I have no other choice. Hux is expecting me to.”

She nods. Of course he would go. Of course his military is more important than her and whatever facets of their bond they are now discovering here. 

“Guess I’m sticking around, then,” Talaa says behind her. “Wouldn’t want Rey to get lonely while you’re away.”

“It won’t be long,” Kylo says, looking directly at Rey. “I’ll come right back. But I… have to do this.” 

His throat bobs as he swallows nervously, and Rey feels a flame lit in her chest. He doesn’t have to do this. He’s choosing to. Because protecting his precious system of oppression is the most important thing to him. 

“Fine,” she says. “Go.” 

Kylo watches her for a moment longer, and perhaps he tries to send a thought her way, but Rey is intently not listening to him or the bond as intensely as she can. He departs the room, leaving Rey and Talaa alone. 

Talaa studies Rey’s face, and then sighs. “I know I already said this,” she says. “But he is definitely the dumbest person I have ever met.”


	29. Casino

Rey stomps up the stairs and slams directly into Kylo’s chest in the hallway. He puts a hand out and steadier her forearm. Rey glances down to see a packed bag in his left hand. 

“Leaving so soon?” She asks. _Leaving without saying goodbye?_

“I’d rather finish this quickly.”

“Ben. You don’t have to go if that isn’t what you want.”

Kylo looks behind Rey to the empty stairs—Talaa is still in the kitchen—and then pulls Rey into his bedroom. 

Rey’s eyes drink in the scene—dark grey satin sheets and sleek bed cabinets, but no personal artifacts. There is nothing, Rey thinks, that Kylo Ren keeps because he likes it. Things either have purpose or they are disposed of. Somehow, it worries her. 

“I know you may not agree with my… politics, Rey, but I am asking you not to interfere with them. These Troopers defied Orders, there is a certain way we _do_ things and I need to uphold the punishments.”

Rey shrugs her arm out of his grip. “You don’t need to uphold _anything_ . And the only reason we _know_ each other is because I interfere with your politics. It’s my life’s work, actually.” 

She grins smugly. Kylo rolls his eyes. 

“Whatever. And I can’t just _not_ do what everyone expects of me. That’s part of the job, actually, upholding expectations.”

“I thought the Supreme Leader would _set_ the expectations.”

“I do, but I follow them, too. Can’t you see how that’s important? The First Order couldn’t survive if people picked and chose what rules they wanted to follow. Compliance is a big part of who we are, it is our devotion to achieving true freedom. I cannot allow uprisings like this to happen again.”

Compliance… freedom… Rey thinks that Kylo doesn’t realize how _backwards_ he sounds. So much talk about _having_ to do this or that, but never any words about what he truly feels is right. 

“What are you going to do?”

“Deal with the situation.”

“But what are you going to _do?_ ”

“Meet the defected Troopers who remain and…” Ben swallows nervously. “Reprimand them.”

“Reprimand?” The dots connect in Rey’s head quite quickly. “Ben, you _cannot_ kill them. People aren’t meant to have their choices taken away. They should be free to leave if they choose.”

“I can’t change the rules—”

“ _Yes you absolutely can._ Killing those men, Ben, it’s _wrong._ ”

“It’s order.”

“The universe does not have to be all about order,” Rey says. “There is plenty of meaningful change you can make _without_ telling people what they can and can’t be. Look at Finn! His life has vastly improved now that he has _choice_.”

“You are clouded in your judgement by the people who took you in. Choice is unproductive.”

“That’s Snoke talking.”

“Is it, Rey? Or is it me? Have you ever considered that some of the things I believe are _my_ beliefs—not the product of someone else? I am not just a combination of my predecessors. I am a person, too.”

Rey looks up at his face, traces the shape of his eyes with her own. 

“I don’t want to believe you are capable of wanting such terrible things,” she says. “I don’t want to believe that you think killing Troopers—people you stole from their homes, people whose lives you’ve _erased_ choice from—is the right thing to do. Just like I don’t want to believe you’ll really kill my friends, or you really only believe in the dark side of the Force. Because if that’s true, the person standing in front of me is not who I thought they were.”

“And who do you think I am?” Kylo asks, stepping forward. His arm catches Rey’s elbow, and her skin electrifies at the connection. “What am I to you, Rey, that my morality matters so much?”

Their eyes connect, and Rey can feel the heat of their breath against each other's skin. Her heart is racing, and she feels that Kylo’s is, too. The words—her response—they’re there, but just out of reach at the moment. His face is just inches from hers. The _Supreme Leader_ is looking at her in a way that’s not _threatening,_ but equally as intense. _When did the most powerful man in the galaxy start looking at me like that?_ She wonders. Maybe he always had been, but Rey just hadn’t been looking back. 

“I—I have to go. Talaa…” She needs to find Talaa. She needs to get out of this room and stop staring at him and do _anything_ else than what’s happening right now. Because, truthfully, the energy surging between them is addictive, and Rey cannot get too caught up in it or something bad might happen. 

Kylo releases her arm, and they both stumble back slightly. 

Rey begins to go, but turns back to him once more. “Make the right choice, Ben,” she says. “Not for me, not for Hux or whoever is expecting you to _uphold standards_ , but the right choice in your own heart. Make the choice you know is best for those Troopers, after all that they’ve been through.”

She leaves, and Rey knows Kylo will not see her again before he departs. 

\---

Rey’s mind is a haze of thoughts that afternoon when she and Talaa pour through the Jedi texts together.

“Well, now I remember why I left _this_ stuff behind,” Talaa says, turning the page. “Lightside shit is pretty kriffing boring.”

The two women sit side by side on Rey’s bed—different from how she sits with Kylo, Rey notices. He likes to be across from her. Talaa has taken over the role of Rey’s personal translator. Rey explained the deal she made with Kylo to Talaa about the texts and lightsabers and she had laughed. 

“He’s robbing you, Rey! I’ve got spare saber parts in my _room_ if you need them. Once you get that crystal, come to me.”

Still, Talaa had agreed to help with the Jedi texts— _I’m not much of a reader,_ she said. Finally something the two women could agree on. 

After over an hour of Jedi history that Rey doesn’t care much about because she isn’t really a Jedi anyway, Talaa begins to read about something that sounds… familiar. 

“Force Projection? That sounds a lot like what Poe said happened on Crait with Luke?”

Talaa nods. “Probably. Kylo told me about that and I suspected. It must’ve taken all the old man’s energy to project so far away for so long.”

“I did feel his energy… settle into the Force.”

“Yeah, he’s dead.”

Rey rolls her eyes. “Well that’s one way of putting it.”

“What do you want me to say? He and I were never great friends. He never wanted to have any fun. Speaking of fun—are you free tonight?”

“ _Free?_ ” Rey raises an eyebrow. “Talaa, I just live in this house, train, and read these books until further notice. Of course I’m _free_.”

Talaa grins. “Great—in that case, we’re getting the _hell_ out of this boring house tonight.”

The Knight has a wild look in her eyes that causes Rey to backpedal a little bit. “I don't think it’s such a good idea for me to go anywhere with—you know— _people._ I am the most wanted person in the galaxy, you know.”

“That’s the _fun part_ . We can wear masks—or makeup, I don’t care. But I am taking _you_ to a casino before that _mope_ gets back.”

_That mope may be out there doing something very bad,_ Rey thinks. And oh, how she hopes Kylo makes the right choice. The thought crossed her mind after her conversation with Kylo to try and sneak onto the _Absolution_ herself and free the Troopers. But it occurred to Rey—and the realization felt very Leia-like—that the plan was quite _impractical_ for her to pull off. She has no ship, no contact with the Resistance, and no guess on the number of Troopers needing to be evacuated. The best she can do is hope her words with Kylo cause something good to happen.

“Where would we even go?” Rey asks.

Talaa grins suspiciously wide. “ _Yes!_ You are so in, I can see it on your face. Thank Force, because I already Commed Jynna and she’s bringing us outfits.”

“Wait—Jynna Ren—you _what?_ ”

“Jynna is the only one who can hang,” Talaa says. “If I’m ever going out, she’s my _first choice._ Holds her drinks well, you know? Thank Force Kylo jumped ship today, I want to see what you’re really capable of.”

“I thought that's what the fight was for.”

Talaa rolls her eyes as if Rey had just asked the stupidest question in the history of the galaxy. “Well, _yeah._ But I’m talking about your _game,_ Rey.”

Although she has no idea what _that_ means, Rey nods.

“Okay, but I really don’t think—”

Talaa presses a finger to Rey’s lips. “If you say _one word_ about what my mopey-boss who-has-a-crush-on-you would say about all of this, your game is killed for all eternity, Rey. Don’t you care about your game? Want to show Jynna and I what you’re made of? Come out tonight, we’re going to a casino. That idiot will _never_ know and he’ll be back in a day or two with his own brooding set of problems to deal with.”

Talaa removes her finger from Rey’s lips. 

Rey should refuse Talaa because, well, maybe following what Kylo would want _is_ a good idea. Rey suspects he never specifically gave Talaa orders to keep Rey here, which is why the Knight is suggesting they go out so Rey can show her… game? She still isn’t quite sure what that means. Perhaps there will be a skills competition at this casino tonight. Kylo aside, Rey doesn’t even know if she _wants_ to go. Really—does it make sense for her to become friends with the Knights of Ren? Sooner or later she’s going to have to leave all of them behind, seeing as they are so deep in the dark side of the Force. Maybe her fleeting nature is exactly the reason to participate. None of this will matter after she leaves, anyway. 

“When do we leave?” She asks, and Talaa cheers. _Oh, no._ Anything that can get Talaa this excited cannot be good. 

\---

Jynna Ren—much to Rey’s relief—is not nearly as tall as Talaa and Kylo. She was starting to think all darksiders were genetically manufactured to look like heightened badasses. 

This Knight of Ren has curly brown hair pulled tightly into two buns low on her head. Her cheeks are round and warm looking—but Rey can tell from Jynna’s dark stare that she is _not_ someone to be messed with. 

Rey wonders where the other twin is, and why Talaa would consider one to be the sort of friend to party with but not the other. Jynna comes with an armload of formalwear—why do the Knights of Ren own _formalwear?_

Talaa snags a black velvet suit that seems to be hers and heads to the fresher to change. When she returns, Rey’s breath is taken away. She looks… beautiful. Terrifying. 

There's no shirt underneath the suit jacket, just a black bra and thin eyelets of lace peeking out from behind the jacket. Rey has never seen a suit quite like it before. Talaa grins in the mirror.

“I’ve missed _this_ ,” she says. “No dressing up on my recent missions. This is going to be _great._ Oh, Rey, you have to wear _this_.” Talaa pulls out a ball of fabric and hands it to Rey. When Rey returns, Jynna is dressed in an emerald green suit with a sheer black undershirt. 

“She looks badass,” Jynna says to Talaa. The two Knights look at Rey, who is wearing a maroon velvet suit and thin white lace undershirt. She _feels_ badass. Talaa splits Rey’s hair down the middle and braids the two sides into buns on the top of her head. Jynna brought masks—which is probably a good thing, Rey thinks. She’s not sure makeup would be able to make her unrecognizable. 

They fly on Talaa’s ship to Aerie Casino. Rey can’t bring her staff, so Talaa supplies her with a blaster for the waistband. Aerie Casino is not too far away on Naboo, but it feels like being on an entirely different planet. It’s not just a building, Rey realizes, but a _complex._ There’s the casino, but also a huge arena for fighting and a hotel. Not to mention numerous buildings surrounding the area. 

The three women sink into the crowd, and it is Jynna who warns them not to spend too much. Rey very well knows she does _not_ have credits to spare, so she watches Talaa play many rounds of Sabacc and win many times. Jynna coaxes Rey into playing one round of chance at a machine, which she loses. 

“Come on Rey, you’ve got to show us your _game_!” Talaa shouts over the loud voices of the crowd. 

“I can’t spend any money!”

“It’s not about the _casino games!_ We need to see _your game_!” 

Talaa takes off for the bar, leaving Jynna and Rey behind. 

“Do you have any idea what ‘my game’ is?” Rey asks. 

Jynna shrugs. “I’ve been trying to figure that out for years. It’s best to just go with it.”

Talaa returns with three miniature glasses of clear liquid—firewater. She hands one to Rey, but Rey is apprehensive. Should she really inhibit her senses here? Should they _all_? It seems unlikely to end well. Talaa downs her glass and shouts gleefully. Jynna takes her down too, winces slightly, then grins. They turn to Rey, and Talaa nudges her on the shoulder. 

“If you don’t want it, give it to me,” Talaa says. “I’ll drink it.”

Rey has already seen Talaa have a few of these tiny glasses. And she’s fine, right? Kriff, she’s _alive._

This, Rey thinks, might be part of testing her _game_. She takes a huge gulp and the drink burns going down her throat and settles heavy in her stomach. Rey doesn’t wince. 

Talaa laughs brightly, and Rey thinks she has never seen brighter eyes then Talaa’s. If only she could capture that light, it would be like holding the stars all to herself… 

The next few hours of the night are… well, they happened. Rey knows they happened, because she came out the other end of them alive. The exact _order_ of the _events…._ or even the _content_ of the events… now that is a little bit hazy. 

First off, there was more firewater involved. That is certain. She was convinced—by her own brain, not by anyone else—to have a few more of those tiny glasses. Then there was Sabacc, but she again wasn’t playing, but just watching. And she has no idea who _won_ but Jynna was definitely sitting at the table. 

And then there was Talaa. Talaa drinking with her, Talaa taking her to… _dance?_ Talaa’s eyes, Talaa’s laugh, Talaa’s hands on her own as they twirled around like kriffing idiots on the dance floor… and maybe—this feels more like a dream than reality—Rey sitting on Talaa’s _lap_ with her head on her shoulder somewhere. That she for sure cannot confirm. 

Either way, Rey wakes up when it’s dark outside on Naboo still in her suit. Oh, and she’s _not_ in her bed, nor is she alone. Talaa is to her left, and Jynna is to her right, and their limbs are all tangled over one another like they all fell onto the bed and suddenly fell asleep. Rey slowly unknots herself from the situation and hops off the bed to survey the room. It’s a small space with deep purple walls and a gold door. She looks out the window to confirm her suspicions that yes, they are in the hotel of the casino. The next thing Rey realizes is that she is going to be sick. Immediately. 

But as soon as she stumbles into the bathroom, the feeling fades. Rey slides down the wall to sit on the floor and hug her knees. A familiar buzzing noise begins, and then suddenly she is not alone. 

Kylo, standing in front of the sink, looks down at her strangely. His face is pale and grave—she remembers he was going to do something. What was it? Kriff, the details are fuzzy around the edges. 

“It’s me, Rey,” she blurts, and then blushes. _Of course he remembers you, you idiot. He’s not the one who’s still drunk._ “I’m on the floor.”

Kylo raises an eyebrow, then slides down to sit across from her so their knees touch. 

“What are you—” 

Rey begins to panic, then presses her hand to his mouth. “Shhh! You’ll wake them up!”

Kylo gently removes her hand. “Them?” he asks quietly. 

_Talaa, and Jynna. They’re still in bed._

_Ah._

“Where are you?”

“Naboo.”

“Yes, I would hope so. But this doesn’t look like the lakehouse.”

“It isn’t.”

“Then where are you?”

“I’m at the lakehouse.”

“You just said you _weren’t_ at the lakehouse.”

“I’m just kidding. It’s a joke.” She giggles. Kylo frowns at her. Why doesn’t he ever think she’s _funny?_ Talaa thinks she’s funny. So does Jynna, she thinks. And Rose and Finn and Poe definitely do. 

“It’s a joke meaning…. you’re at the lakehouse?”

“Nope. Surprise! Girls night before mister mopey comes back.” Rey leans forward to whisper in his ear. “ _That’s you_.”

Rey leans back to look at his whole face. 

“You need to be careful, Rey. People are looking for you.”

“I _am_ being careful. I’m wearing a mask.” 

“No you’re not.” 

Rey feels her bare face. But wait—the mask is… beside the bed, right. She took it off to go to sleep. 

“Well, I was. And we’re just having _fun_.”

“I didn’t realize this was your idea of fun.”

Really, it isn’t. This much time with other people is normally so overwhelming for her. But part of Rey has been longing to feel like a real person again for a long time, and tonight seemed to have done the trick. 

“You should come next time,” she says. “I know you’re busy, and I hated seeing all those wealthy people spending their money on virtually nothing when the galaxy is in disarray, but Jynna taught me how to use those chance machines and it was really strange, but also kind of interesting.”

“I’m so happy to receive an invitation from you to hang out with _my_ Knights,” Kylo says. 

He reaches forward, brushing a stray hair out of her eyes. Rey’s breath catches in her throat. 

“You do look beautiful, Rey. Really.”

“These aren’t my clothes. Do you pay the Knights?”

Kylo’s eyes wander over Rey’s body. She’s wearing a lot of clothes, but also very little in the chest area. The V neck lace shirt leaves a lot of skin exposed. He notices. 

“You should go to sleep, Rey. And come home tomorrow, please.”

Sleep sounds nice. Almost as nice as seeing him, which she wishes she was doing in person and not throughout the Force right now. Didn’t he just leave _today?_ Kriff, she shouldn’t be _missing_ him, especially after the fight they had. 

“Wait—what happened with the Troopers?”

“I handled it.”

“You _handled it?_ ”

“Yes, and we can talk about it when I see you. But please, let me bring you to bed. Will you go back to sleep?”  
She nods. Kylo stands, then bends down to loop one arm below her knees and the other on her waist. Rey wraps her arms around his neck and presses her face to his warm chest. 

“I like you,” Rey mumbles into his shirt. “I don’t know why, but I like you. Do you like me?”

“Very much,” Kylo replies gently. Rey’s heart soars. He _likes_ her. What a fantastic revelation. 

Kylo carries Rey back to the bed and places her between the other two Knights of Ren for a night of heavy sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today's theme is women! in suits! why? i have no idea. i simply demand that the female characters get to dress like baddies and enjoy it. here is inspo for what I imagine for [Rey's suit](https://pin.it/iFL6Ct3), [Talaa's suit](https://pin.it/4ORZlLm), and [Jynna's suit](https://pin.it/5g7TEPs). Also, this is fit is getting so long, and for what reason? lol I'm so sorry.


	30. Consideration

Talaa has to practically be _dragged_ out of the casino the next morning. 

“She’s always like this,” Jynna says. “Some people feel sick when they’re hungover, but Talaa acts like she’s been kriffing mortally wounded.”

Rey can’t even begin to imagine the sight of them in their fancy suits and messy hair dragging a six foot tall warrior woman through the lobby of an expensive hotel. She’s sure that if any of the Naboo staff was watching that they would not be invited back. Luckily, they had masks on so they couldn’t be identified. 

Sober but with aching headaches, Jynna and Rey fly their ship back to the lakehouse whilst Talaa naps quietly in the back. 

“I feel like I died and got resuscitated—but only barely,” Rey says, leaning back in the copilots chair. “Do you remember _anything_ about last night once we got in the hotel room? It’s all foggy for me.”

Rey remembers dropping on the bed like a sack of rocks in between Jynna and Talaa. She thinks she might’ve gotten up in the middle of the night—there is a vague memory of sitting on the bathroom floor that’s somewhere in her brain—but she can’t remember any other details. 

“I remember paying the casino a shit ton of credits for that room. But other than that, no. And, you did well last night,” Jynna says. “Most people can’t keep up with Talaa on their first night out. You’ve got a strong stomach.”

“I lived on Jakku for years,” Rey says. “It’s not a place to be very weak.”

Jynna nods. Rey can see why Jynna is a Knight of Ren. She seems like the type of person with death crawling underneath her skin. Everything about Jynna is so… reserved. Like she’s always holding something back. 

But Rey can’t deny that the Knight knows how to have a good time. She can’t even imagine the sight of the three women stumbling through the lobby in last night's masks and clothes. When Rey gets back to the Resistance, she _has_ to go out like this with Rose and Lena. In an ideal world, she could bring Rose, Lena, Jynna, and Talaa together and nothing catastrophic would happen. Of course, that is a _wish_ and is farther from reality than anything at this point. 

“Talaa says you’re a Lightsider,” Jynna says from the Captain's chair. Rey’s stomach drops. But the Knight simply asks, “Why?”

“I want good things for the universe,” she says. “Peace, growth, calm. The Dark is all pain and chaos, and I know it makes sense to you, but it doesn't to me.”

“The Dark is lots of things,” Jynna says. “Pain and chaos, yes, if that’s what you’re looking for. But it’s also… passion, intensity, _power_.”

“I don’t want power,” Rey says. “I never did, and people keep… _offering_ it to me.”

Jynna turns her head and stares at Rey in assessment. Kylo’s sentiment of _join me_ is something Rey feels she will never be able to escape in her own mind. She wonders if Jynna Ren knows about this. Something tells Rey that she does not. 

“Because you’ve got a real head on your shoulders,” she says. “People with power always want something from it for themselves. But from the little I know about you and what you’ve just said, I can already tell that isn’t the case with you.”

“Do you think Kylo is like that? That he… wants something for himself?”  
Jynna bites her lip. “I shouldn’t… say anything bad about the Master of the Knights. But… just between us, yes. He has a lot of reasons to want this for himself. I’m sure you can figure out those reasons on your own if you really look.”

Rey considers this. He says he wants to bring order and structure to the galaxy, but it is undoubtedly more than that. Above all, Rey thinks that Kylo wants to feel in control. People have held power over him his entire life, to have the galaxy in his grip is a way to counteract that. It’s irrational… but _he_ can be a little bit irrational when he is thinking of himself. 

“Jynna, what did Talaa tell you about me and Kylo?”

“Not much. Kylo briefed us on a Jedi—”

“—I’m not a Jedi—”

“—okay, _woman with powerful Force abilities_ named Rey. She told me that was you. She also said she thought you’d be a hell of a drinker if we went out, and I haven’t gone out in a while.”

Rey wonders how Jynna came to the assumption that Rey could hold her alcohol well. 

“She didn’t say anything else about me and Kylo?”

“Kylo told us you have some sort of Force bond, if that’s what you mean. Why, is there something else I should know?”

“No. I was just… wondering.” Rey turns her head to the back of the ship but sees Talaa is still fast asleep on a bench. “Talaa just seems like she can be sort of a gossip, that’s all.”

Jynna smiles wryly. “She is. But when Kylo tells her to not say anything, she won’t. She respects him a lot.”

It’s nice that she respects him, Rey thinks, but also kind of _strange._ Because when she looks at Talaa Ren and Jynaa Ren, she doesn’t understand what reason Kylo has to be their leader. He must really outsell them in Force abilities.

“Look, Rey, you said you don’t want power, and I get that. But if you’re really as powerful in the Force as the stories I’ve heard, you’re holding yourself back by holding to those old stuffy books.”

“I can’t get close to the Dark,” she says. “I’ve… tried. And it’s never ended well.”

“Meaning it hurt?”

Not necessarily. It felt _good._ And that scares Rey much, much more than pain ever could. 

“Meaning I don’t want to be the sort of person that _hurts_ other _people._ I’ve already done it far too much, but I don’t want to anymore.”

“Have you ever considered that you might be hurting yourself?”

Rey pauses. “I’m not—I’m protecting other people from me.”

“The Light as Luke teaches it is suppression, Rey. It is not freedom, it is not passion or emotion or anything remotely _human.”_

“I get what you’re trying to say, but the Dark is _The First Order_ . How is there any freedom in an organization like _that?”_

“There isn’t,” Jynna says flatly. Rey looks over, surprised. 

“There isn’t?”

“No. And I’m sure you know this, but Talaa and I are _not_ First Order. The Knights are contracted out to them sometimes, sure, but I would not go far enough to say I believe in everything that comes out of that war machine.”

Interesting. It’s not a concession, exactly, but as all the pieces fall into place, Rey will remember this conversation. 

“All I’m saying, Rey, is that you don’t need to be afraid of yourself or what you can become. All these lines and distinctions in the Force—remember that someone drew them, and somebody else could easily erase them.”

When the ship sets down at the lakehouse, Rey and Jynna haul Talaa upstairs and into Rey’s room. Rey pulls one of the big black shirts out from a drawer and trades it for her suit. She then grabs some clothes for Jynna and Talaa, and before they know it all three women are snoozing together in Rey’s bed. 

Her brain feels like it’s been put through a trash compactor, so laying with eyes closed is honestly the best action for her to take.

\---

“I was not _that_ drunk,” Talaa fires at Jynna.   
The women rise later that night in time to eat dinner together. Luckily, Jynna has _some_ cooking skills so Rey does not have to embarrass herself in front of the Knights. 

“Yes you _were_. You and Rey were practically—” Jynna stops short, then turns back to cutting up the fruit on the counter.

“Rey and I were what?”

Jynna doesn’t respond. 

“ _Rey and I were what?_ Come on, Jynna. You can’t just _say_ that and not follow through.”

“Passed out,” Jynna says. “I thought you were going to black out before we got back to the room.”

It’s a lie, Rey can feel it. And for what reason, she isn’t exactly sure. 

“Has anyone heard from Kylo?” Rey asks. 

“Wouldn’t _you_ like to know,” Talaa grumbles, and Rey kicks her under the table.

“Not much,” Jynna says. “He should be back tomorrow, I think. Then Tal and I can take off back to—”

“I don’t _want_ to go back,” Talaa grumbles. “It’s kriffing _boring_ there. Why can’t we stay here?”

“Because we have _jobs_. My coming here for a day or two is already on shaky ground—”

“I’ll feed him that you came to help me train Rey, I _swear it._ Besides, what’s he going to do? Snoke is gone, it’s not like…” 

The women fall silent. 

Rey suddenly feels like she is encroaching on a very personal conversation. She didn’t spend much time with Snoke before Kylo killed him, but she can imagine that the memories associated with him for Talaa and Jynna are unpleasant. 

“What was Snoke like?” She asks. “I only met him once, and he ended up dead pretty quickly.”

“He was _shit_ ,” Talaa says. “When we all left Luke, it seemed like there was nowhere else to go, and I believed that.”

“Couldn’t you go back to your families?”

Jynna shakes her head. “Not in any real way that mattered, if they were even alive anymore. Besides, Snoke said anyone who didn’t believe in the Dark didn’t believe in _us,_ so we were boxed in for options.”

“And Kylo believed in him,” Talaa says. “And we believed in Kylo. I mean, I still do… killing Snoke was probably the smartest choice he’s made in _years,_ if you ask me _._ But we still endured Snoke for ages _._ Jynna and I indirectly, but Kylo took the brunt of it. And whatever Snoke said, it got to him. Deep. That’s why he’s so obsessed with all this First Order shit.”

“And you’re not?” Rey asks. “Obsessed with this First Order shit, I mean?”

Talaa laughs. “I’m not a kriffiing politician! Nor did I ever want to be. You and him—you’re Resistance, right? You’re both so caught up in how to make other people live their lives. Not me. I care about the Force, my connection to it, and the universe in a _much_ broader sense than Resistance vs. First Order.” She looks over to Jynna, who has turned away from her chopping to face the two women. 

“Jynna just hates them. Especially Hux, that puny asshole.”

“I do _not_ !” Jynna says fiercely. “I maybe have… differences in view, but it is Kylo’s _thing_ and we have to follow him—”

“Why do you have to follow him? I mean, if you don’t like the First Order, and you didn’t like Snoke, why do you stand by Kylo and let him be your leader?”

Jynna and Talaa exchange a glance. “A long time ago, Rey, we were all different people,” Talaa says. “And when Kylo Ren was Ben Solo, he did something for us that we could not do for ourselves.”

“What was it?”

Talaa opens her mouth to respond, byt Jynna steps in. 

“That,” she says, “Is not our story to tell.”

Rey frowns. So it’s _Kylo’s_ story, then. Or Ben’s. She isn’t quite sure at this point. They are the same person, she isn’t sure why the line between them keeps popping up in her brain. 

“ _Anway,_ ” Talaa continues, “We missed training this morning, and I know that isn’t normal for you, miss. So tonight, Jynna and I are going to actually follow through with the lie we were using to get you out to party. You’re going to learn to fight like a Knight of Ren.”

Nobody wants to fight _right_ after dinner, so they wait until well past midnight to make their way out into the courtyard, Rey with her staff and Jynna and Talaa with their sabers and ‘practice-sabers’ that won’t actually cut through or burn anything—just a little stinging. 

Jynna offers Rey a practice one for herself, and she is hesitant. She hasn’t wielded a lightsaber since that day of Crait, and she isn’t sure she’s ready to do so yet. 

But then Talaa says “I _know_ you kicked Kylo’s ass with one of these, I _need_ to see it in action.”

Rey grins. “You’re right. I did kick his ass. Don’t let him tell you any different.”

She spars with Talaa first, and Rey knows when someone is going easy on her. It takes a few minutes to get used to the weapon again, but eventually Rey begins to enforce more pressure with her swings and strokes and Talaa’s fighting style gets more intense. 

“You fight—” Talaa swings her saber low, and Rey jumps over it, “—like a protector, not an attacker.”

Rey deflects another jab and presses forward. Talaa seems to know every more before Rey can make it, so she pulls a trick from a fight with Snokes Knights and drops her saber, catches it, then swings around. Talaa yields. 

“Holy hell,” Jynna laughs, coming over to help Talaa up. “Are you sure there was no Jedi master on Jakku? You fight like you’ve been trained.”

“Just defending myself mostly,” she says. “Starkiller was my first ‘real’ fight.”

“That was less than two years ago!”

“Yeah.” 

It feels like an incredibly long and short amount of time simultaneously. It feels like yesterday that she didn’t know about _any_ of this craziness. How could her life have changed so much in less than two years? She’s found and lost friends, places, people… life has moved incredibly fast. And an enemy has become a friend. 

“Well, one this is for sure—that’s _not_ a conventional fighting style. And it’s creative, but sure to wear you out if you’re not careful,” Jynna says. “Let’s go through some basic tactics.”

Jynna outlines the basics of the third form of lightsaber combat—yes, there are _forms,_ Rey learns, and Kylo is employing them when he fights her. Come to think of it, who is she going to _fight_ with a lightsaber if she’s not fighting him? Nevermind, Rey just wants to learn this for herself. It could be useful. The form is a balance of attack and defense—something she could work on balancing. Rey is mostly all push or pull, she isn't great at finding a way to do both. Jynna runs through some stances, swings, and the overall ideology of the style. 

“You should _always_ be attuned to the Force in a fight,” Jynna says. “Especially when fighting another Force user. Kylo, he channels so much rage. With your bond to him, you should be able to sense that. Feel his rage, know when he’s about to strike.”

“It sounds an awful lot like you’re training me to battle your master,” Rey says. 

“Serves him right!” Talaa calls from her spot sitting in the grass. “He thinks he’s so good and it’s _annoying_ . And we can’t really beat him up, you know? Our group's code and stuff makes it kind of shitty to take out the master. But _you_ could.”

“Rey will _not_ be beating Kylo up,” Jynna says. “This is about her analyzing her fighting style of the past and improving. Perhaps they will _spar_ for _practice._ But as you _know,_ Talaa, we are sworn in devotion to protect the master of the Knights in any _real_ combat.”

“Obviously,” Talaa rolls her eyes. “And Rey would never fight Kylo for real, anyway. She _likes_ him too much.”

Rey flusters. Talaa did _not_ just say that in front of Jynna—

“Let’s hope Rey likes _you_ enough to not start a real fight for that comment,” Jynna says coolly. Rey sighs in relief, and gives Jynna a silent _thank you_ with her eyes. They return to combat training.

When they all tire, Rey, Jynna, and Talaa return back to the house. Rey helps Jynna load the practice sabers back onto her ship while Talaa heads off to go to sleep.

“You did really well tonight,” Jynna says. “Honestly, I’m impressed that you’ve never been trained before. Have you ever thought about training more in combative Force abilities, too?”

Rey shrugs. “Kylo and I have explored the Bond a bit, and I’ve learned some stuff from experimenting, and from the texts, but I don’t really want to touch the Dark. I know what you said this morning, but I just don’t want to fall—”

“Everyone falls,” Jynna says. “To the dark, to obsession, to fear—always something. People can never uphold what they think they want to be forever. And I think you’re worried about discovering something about yourself that you don’t want to know, Rey, which is normal. But you’ve got so much potential sitting in you—too much to hold it all back because you’re afraid of what it will make you. What if there’s a version of yourself out there that’s _better_ —but you’re too afraid to reach for her?”

“I just can’t take the risk,” Rey says. “If I start using the Dark in my fighting, someone could get hurt who doesn’t deserve it— _good people._ I don’t want to end up like—”

She stops herself. 

“Like Kylo, like me and Talaa.”

Rey doesn’t want to be a weapon, she doesn't want to wield what she has inside her to take people down who haven’t done anything wrong. What if she hurts a member of the Resistance by tapping into the Dark? She could never forgive herself. 

And she’s never really wanted to be more powerful, anway. All of this stuff with the force, it’s something she discovered, but not something she went looking for. Isn’t it okay for it just to be a part of her, and for her to want to understand it but not become more powerful from it? She’s okay without being some sort of ruler or leader or weapon. 

“Just consider this, then. When the Resistance fights for the Light—when they blow up Starkiller and the _Finalizer_ —who are they hurting? Who are _you_ hurting? Snoke, yes. But other people, too. So maybe the Light and the Dark, maybe they are _both_ flawed in their own ways. And maybe we are all flawed in continuing to worry about them.”

Jynna squeezes Rey’s shoulder. “Goodnight, Rey. I’ll make sure to see you tomorrow before Kylo kicks my ass out to whatever Outer Rim planet I’m supposed to be on. And good luck with whatever you’re here to do, I know it isn’t easy.”

Rey frowns—whatever she’s _here to do?_ She’s not here to do _anything_ but get some space to figure things out. There really isn’t any other agenda happening. 

But Jynna Ren seems to think there is, and Rey gets a feeling that the Knight isn’t often wrong. 

Rey just wonders what—exactly—the woman might think she is trying to do.


	31. Return

In the morning, Rey wakes up squished between the two women in bed. How did _this_ happen, she wonders—this comfortability, this closeness. On base with the Resistance, she seldom had anyone in her private space, and when she did they never slept in her _bed._

A deep part of Rey aches for her friends back at the Resistance. She never said goodbye before jetting off for Lothal. Of course, she thought she’d be back in a few days, but now it has been well over a month and a half. She misses sparring with Finn, fixing droids with Rose, and laughing with Poe. They are her _people_ even if things have become fractured. Perhaps communicating her feelings with them would’ve smoothed things over. Although, Rey supposes, there are some things that certainly would not have been fixed by chatting. _By the way, I don’t want to kill Kylo Ren._ She could explain away not wanting to feel like a weapon and not wanting to just be _the Jedi,_ but how could she explain _that?_ As far as her friends know, Rey’s last true facing with Kylo Ren was when she took down Snoke. Rey didn’t even _kill_ Snoke; she would have to explain that, too. That doesn’t even begin to get into the bond. What would they think of her… 

She could laugh at the fact that she’s had _three_ Knights of Ren sleep in her bed now. Kriff, if something like _that_ were to get across the galaxy, she would develop quite the reputation. But it is nice, Rey thinks, to not feel like she wants to be so alone. Back with the Resistance, she was always hiding things. And no matter how much Rey loved her friends, there was a gap she would never be able to bridge between herself and her friends there. 

Rey peels herself out from the middle of the bed and heads for the door to her bedroom. Caf is what she needs. _Now._ But as soon as she opens the door handle to step into the hall, she collides with a large mass of man. 

She yawns and stumbles back to look up at the face of Kylo Ren staring at her. 

“You’re back,” she says, blinking. Rey had thought perhaps Kylo would be back _later_ in the day, but here he is. 

“I’m back.”

Rey looks back at the two Knights sleeping in the bed. 

“Jynna and Talaa are—”

“I can talk to them later,” Kylo says, stepping forward. “It was you I wanted to see, actually.”

“Oh… okay.” She awkwardly steps around him and into the hall then shuts the door. 

“We can go to the kitchen, then. I wanted to get some—”

Kylo slides his hands up over her forearms, pulling them close together so that their faces are inches apart. _Oh._

“ _Rey…”_ he says her name lowly, deeply. Rey looks up, flustered. 

This is…. _new_. 

“Before you say anything, know Jynna was here to train me,” Rey feeds him the lie with a little bit of truth. “She helped me alot with combat training, it was great.”

His fingers begin to trace along the back of her arms and Rey becomes utterly distracted by _that_ feeling. They normally don’t… touch this much. She didn’t think Kylo was a physical sort of person. Is it because they’re… friends? Rey wonders if this is how Kylo treats his friends. 

“You also had quite the night with Jynna while I was gone, it seems.”

She blushes. “Oh, did you hear about that?”

Kylo’s brows crease together. He drops his hands. “Did I _hear about it?_ ”

Oh, Kriff. She doesn’t want to get in the middle of some conflict between Kylo and his Knights. 

“I mean, who told you? Was it Jynna? I like her, by the way. She’s scarier than Talaa, but also a solid friend.”

“Talaa,” Kylo says, his voice strangely passive. “Talaa told me.”

Rey wonders why he stopped touching her. She… liked it, in a strange sort of way. It felt new, different.

“Rey… do you really not remember anything from that night?”

She searches her mind for _something_ from that night that possibly could’ve made its way to Kylo, but there's only hazy patches of memory ending with her tumbling into bed. Perhaps Talaa or Jynna spilled the stories over the Comm? No, Rey doesn’t think so. They seemed to want to keep their antics to themselves, too. Rey shakes her head. 

“No. I remember—I mean, I know—that I like firewater a bit _too much_ , apparently. I think I need to keep away from it for a while. But that’s it, really.”

“It must have been a good night.” He nods curtly and starts to make his way past her. Rey grabs his arm and they become awkwardly pressed up against each other.   
“Hey! Wait. What happened on _Absolution?”_

“What do you think happened?”

“I don’t know, Ben. That’s why I’m _asking_.”

He stares at her for a long moment. _He killed them,_ Rey thinks. _He killed them and he doesn’t want to tell me._

“My project on Jakku is starting. We’re beginning to build infrastructure.” 

“That’s great, but _what happened?”_

“I didn’t do it. I… I spared the Troopers.”

Rey sighs with relief. “That’s good, Ben—”

“I sentenced them to reconditioning, but the next morning they were all dead.”

“ _What?_ ”

“An entire unit died cleaning their blasters it seems,” Kylo says dryly.

“It was Hux,” Rey says confidently. “He wants to kill you, remember? You probably pissed him off.”

“Of course it was Hux, Rey.”

“So you’ll get rid of him, then? He’s trying to undermine you, obviously. But you did a _good thing,_ Ben. People should be allowed to leave something if they want.”

“I won’t get rid of him.”

Rey steps back. “ _Why?_ ”

“Because Hux is the opposition I can check. Look, it’s… too complicated, okay? I’m not going to explain all of it to you.”

She stares at him, shocked. “Well I know it might be hard for you to believe, but even a scavenger like me can keep up with your politics.”

Kylo rolls his eyes. He _rolls them_ —like she’s _annoying him._ “I didn’t mean—”

Rey’s bedroom door swings open and Talaa Ren looks between them. Rey is glaring at Kylo like she’s about to go into full combat mode, and Kylo is looking at Rey with pure frustration. Talaa Ren smiles. 

“Looks like you two are having a happy reunion.” She looks up to Kylo. “Kylo, hello. How was it?”

“Successful,” he responds. 

Talaa nods, as if that is all she needs to know. “Well, I’m going to get some Caf. Sorry to interrupt… this.” She gestures between them. 

“I’m coming with you,” Rey says quickly, and then shoots Kylo a sharp glare before following Talaa down the hallway.   
\---

Rey and Talaa keep to the kitchen with their Caf, knowing it is the only guaranteed place at the moment where Kylo will _not_ show up. He seems to have enough sense to know that leaving her alone right now is for the best. 

She wanted to feel happy that Kylo was back and that he had made the right choice—but Hux had ruined that. He had killed those Knights because he didn’t agree with Kylo’s discretion. Rey _knows_ what Hux is capable of, and the thing that scares her most is that Kylo is a target on his list. 

“He puts himself in harm's way for _no reason_ ,” Rey says, clenching her mug tightly. “If it were me, I’d just arrest Hux and be done with it!”

“Of course he puts himself in harm's way. He _likes_ it.”

“Well he shouldn’t,” Rey scowls. “It’s a perfectly good way to get yourself _killed._ You know—I told him at the gala that Hux wanted to kill him, and you know what he said? That he already knew, and he _wasn’t going to do anything_ . How kriffing ridiculous is _that?_ What kind of person continues to employ a man who has outright stated intent to murder?”

“The kind of person who likes taking risks,” Talaa says. “I mean, you—his greatest enemy—are living here. What kind of well adjusted person invites _that?_ ”

Rey is silent. Okay, maybe Talaa has a point. But Kylo shouldn't _want_ to cause problems for himself. 

“He needs to be kept in check,” she says. “Somebody else needs to step in, or Hux won’t stop with undermining his orders. He’ll kill him.”

Talaa grimaces. “Snoke didn’t believe in partnership,” she says. “He thought one person should rule, he _told_ Kylo that. It’s why there’s only ever one true leader to the Knights of Ren and the First Order.”

Rey frowns. “Wait—you’re saying he’s never offered to bring one of you on to help him run the Order?”

“I don’t think he trusts any of us enough,” Talaa sighs. “Crazy as that sounds, he only seems to think _he’s_ capable enough of such a job.”

But if Kylo Ren _never_ asks anyone to help him run the Order, then Rey’s memories don’t make _any_ sense. 

“He offered me to join him,” Rey says. “After we killed Snoke’s guards, on the _Finalizer._ He said we could rule the galaxy together, and I turned him down.”

Talaa gapes at Rey. 

“I don’t _want_ to rule the galaxy, I want to _help_ it. But it—it shouldn’t be me and him in charge of everything, you know? People should have a say in their own lives. I could never spend the rest of my life making all these choices for other people.”

“Wait, okay, your beliefs aside—not once in his entire life has that man offered to share _anything_ with m _e._ ” Talaa says. “Not even a kriffing piece of bread. He’s so damn _stingy_ . And Rey—let me get this right—you’re telling me that after barely knowing the man, he offered to share the _galaxy_ with you?”

Rey shrugs. “It’s not like the _big deal_ you’re making it out to be. He just asked me to join him, that we could build something new together.”

Talaa gapes. “ _That is a big deal, you idiot!_ Kriff, and I thought _he_ was dumb. He said all that and you said _no?”_

“I told you, I don’t want to rule.”

“If someone kills their master for you and then asks you to _join him,_ it isn’t _about_ the ruling, Rey. Not at all.”

Rey is confident she remembers what Kylo offered her—to join him. Join him on the throne, at the top of the mountain. He wants her as his equal—or something like that. There are two problems with this—one, she doesn’t want to rule; and two, she doesn’t think she’s truly his equal in the Force, regardless of what the bond might try to make them think. She’s bested him in a fight, yes, but Rey just doesn’t have that underlying raw _strength_ that he does. She has to work much harder at all of this than he does. 

“It doesn’t matter what he meant,” Rey says. “You _know_ how I feel about the First Order. He did a good thing, trying to save those Troopers. But would the Order ever genuinely look out for people like that if I hadn’t convinced him in confidence? I went to that gala, Talaa. I know the sort of people they pander too. Nothing is going to get better for people like those Troopers as long as the First Order is in charge.”

“You just told me he wanted to build something _new_ with you.”

“Yes, but—”

“But what, Rey? Be honest with me, Is this really about the Order, or is it about Kylo?”

Rey frowns. “How is that any different?”

Talaa sits down next to Rey and takes her hand. “Take away Snoke, and the First Order and the Force and your Force bond. If Kylo asked you to join _him_ , what would you say?”

“I can’t just forget—”

“I know, I know. But just for one minute, Rey, could you pretend with me? Pretend none of that exists. Maybe you live somewhere else—a town on Naboo, okay? And Kylo as he is, but without all of that First Order stuff, asks you to join him. What would you say?”

It is the most blissful of realities. Where Rey and Kylo are truly nobody and the choices they make are just their own. If he—if _Ben,_ as he is when they are alone—were to ask her to…join him, to take a ship and see the galaxy and worry about nothing else, well, Rey already knows what the answer would be. It has always been the same. 

“I would say yes.”

Talaa Ren folds her face into her hands. “ _I do not get paid enough to deal with this,”_ she grumbles, then opens her hands back up to stare at Rey. “Have you _told_ him that?”

Rey considers her _many_ conversations with Kylo about the Force and his proposition. 

“Not… exactly.”

The kitchen door swings open and in walks a sleepy looking Jynna. Rey sags with relief and smiles. 

“Sleep well?”  
“Yeah, until I ran into Kylo in the hall. He didn’t seem surprised to see me at all.”

“Rey must’ve told him you were here. It’ll soften the blow coming from her.”

Re frowns. Kylo said that Talaa told him about their night at the casino.

Jynna yawns and smiles sleepily. “Yeah, no offense to Rey, or anything, but I’ve never seen anyone able to _sway_ Kylo Ren out of duty and order.”

“Just wait until you see them in a room together,” Talaa says. “You’ll see _exactly_ what I mean. Rey and Kylo are like—”

“Can we talk about something else?” Rey interjects. “Talaa, will you please tell Jynna what happened on _Absolution_ while I get her some Caf?”

Rey brews a fresh cup at the kitchen counter while Talaa retells the story she heard from Rey. Kylo spared the Troopers. They all mysteriously died. Hux is definitely at fault. 

“And Rey says at the gala Hux _told her_ he was planning to get rid of Kylo. It’s not some funny joke anymore, Jynna, we _need_ to call the Knights together and—”

“He won't let us get involved.”

“Like hell he won't’. This is his _life_. We’re supposed to look out for each other!”

“And when was the last time we did that? Snoke never wanted us around for long, so Kylo learned to solve everything on his own and delegate what he can’t.”

“Maybe it’s time we stopped _letting him_ ,” Talaa says. 

Jynna gratefully takes her cup of Caf from Rey.

“Look... I’ll talk to him. I think it wouldn’t hurt to reconvene since our last session was… interrupted.”

Rey blushes. “Sorry about that.”

Talaa laughs. “Don’t be. You’ve made things _much_ more interesting around here, trust me. Speaking of, maybe _Rey_ should talk to him about bringing the Knights together, you know?”  
“I don’t know,” Jynna says. “It seems like he wanted us to stay away from Rey, right? Otherwise we all would’ve been invited here the minute she arrived.”

“I could try,” Rey says. “If you all can do something about Hux, I want it done. Sooner or later he’s going to get hurt if he keeps all these secrets.”

Kriff… she sounds like his _protector_ or something. Wasn’t she plotting to kill him not that long ago? Now she’s trying to stop it from happening. 

Talaa takes a final sip of Caf from her cup. “It can’t hurt to have you try, Rey. If he’s going to listen to anyone, it’s you.”

\--

Rey knocks on the door of Kylo’s bedroom. He opens it near instantaneously. 

“Want to spar?”

He blinks at her. The shift of attitude _is_ surprising, Rey knows. But she has an agenda. 

“Sure,” Kylo says. His eyes drift to the training saber in her hand. Rey borrowed it from Jynna 

“Let me grab my practice saber, too.”

He disappears into his room for a moment and Rey shudders. Talaa and Jynna have set themselves up in the library for the morning—Rey lent them the Jedi texts. It turns out Jynna _likes_ to read. No wonder she gets on okay with Kylo. 

Kylo returns a moment later wearing a thin black t-shirt and holding his practice saber. He looks down at Rey and she swallows nervously. 

“Ready?” he asks. She nods. 

They make their way to the grass by the beach together in silence. Rey knows just blurting out a question about the Knights would look entirely stupid and calculated, so she tries to keep to her normal demeanor. 

“I have to admit, Jynna gave me some pointers,” Rey says. _And a lot to think about in terms of the Force._ She keeps the last part to herself. 

“Jynna Ren was born to fight,” Kylo says. “She’s obsessed with mastering all the forms of combat.”

“Has she?”

“Probably. I haven’t asked her about it in a while.”

 _Why do you stay away from them?_ Rey wonders. _They are devoted to you, and yet you push them to the other side of the galaxy._

“Let’s spar.”

Five minutes in she knocks Kylo on his ass. Rey is proud of _that._ She keeps Jynna’s fighting style in mind and it most certainly enhances her endurance in the fight. She still flights with every inch of herself—but it almost feels like there are more inches to _give_ now. 

Rey lowers her saber and reaches down to lend Kylo a hand. He takes it, but pulls her forward so she lands on top of him. Both of their sabers tumble into the grass. 

“I learned that from you,” he says, gesturing with his head to the water. “In the lake.”

Rey feels the steady rise and fall of his chest as Kylo tries to catch his breath. Her hands are right beside his ears, barely missing touching his hair. Kylo reaches up with one hand to curl a piece of Rey’s hair behind her ear. 

It feels as if her brain has shut down as she feels the heat of _him_ underneath her. There was… yes, a plan. She’s supposed to ask him… something. But not now, not like _this_. Not when his face is close enough to hers that their noses could touch if she just leaned down another inch.

Rey’s own voice from earlier this morning echoes in her head. _I would say yes._ She would say yes to _this_ , to _him_. The two of them travelling the galaxy as… friends. Partners. 

She finally regains the sense to roll off of him. Kylo leans up and they sit side by side looking out at the lake. 

“I have to be honest with you,” Kylo says.

Rey’s stomach twists nervously. “About what?”  
“That night, when you went with Jynna and Talaa to Aerie casino, we…. connected through the Force.”

Embarrassment begins to fill Rey’s head. Kriff, she can’t remember _anything_ of substance from that night.

“What did I say?”

He shrugs. “Not much, really. It was pretty short. You called me _mopey_.”

Rey manages a laugh. “Well you _are_ mopey.”

“Perhaps I am.”

“And I was _drunk_ , like _really_ drunk. So don’t take anything I said with too much weight.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Because you also said you _liked_ me.”

“Wh—oh.” Rey flushes. She certainly doesn’t remember _that._ “Well, it’s true. I do… like you, Ben. You’re my friend.”

Kylo nods. “Yes, of course. I’m your friend.”

“Right?”

“Right….Rey?”

“Yes?”

_I like you too._

She looks over at him, surprised, as the thought rings in her head. 

_I like you more than you even know, more than I’ve liked anyone else. And I just want you to know, because you don’t remember me telling you, but I like you too._

Rey swallows down her nerves and smiles. “Thank you, Ben. And you don’t have to take that part of what I said weakly. It’s hard for me to… tell people things like that. But I know I’m being honest, so I'll say it again: I like you, Ben.”

Kylo’s hand inches over to rest on top of hers. She looks down at their hands, and feels the warmth as he squeezes his hand over hers. 

“Ben?”

Kylo looks up. 

“Things don’t have to be this way, you know, with Hux. People want to help— _I_ want to help. The galaxy is a better place when he has no power.”

Kylo shakes his head. “I wouldn’t drag you into this when you wanted to get away from the war.”  
Rey grimaces at her own words. “I said that, yes. But maybe I was wrong. I wanted to get away from who I was being _used_ in the war. But I’m not going to abandon it, or my friends. And Hux is a threat to them, including you. So I need to help you take him down, but I can only do that if you’ll _let me_.”

“What makes you think you can do this?” Kylo asks. “Hux isn’t just one person, really. He’s a cancer that’s taken root in the Order. Getting rid of him doesn’t get rid of all of _that_.”

“I don’t know, but I know the wrong answer is to let things continue as they are. The Knights and I—”

“The Knights?” Kylo frowns. “What about them?”

Rey takes a deep breath. _Here we go, the big ask._

“Talaa and Jynna think if you call them together, that we can come up with some sort of plan.”

Kylo shakes his head. “I don’t call the Knights together for things like this, Rey. If you really want to help, we can figure something out, but the Knights—”

“ _Your_ Knights, Ben. They’re _your_ Knights, and I already know two of them are up in the house trying to come up with a plan right now.”

Kylo straightens his shoulders and looks back out at the water. “I’m not asking them to.”

Rey watches him closely. She knew he would be resistant, but it’s just so _strange_ . Why not try to take out your biggest threat? He chases the Resistance _and_ he chased her when she fought against him. How is getting rid of Hux any different? Rey supposes it isn’t any difference, except this time he can’t do it on his own. 

“Do you remember Lothal?” Rey asks. Kylo looks back at her, surprised. The memories of Lothal are still a wound in Rey’;s heart that hasn’t fully healed. Realizing that perhaps she had been wrong, that the people she loved had led her to be something she wasn’t, was agonizing. 

“On Lothal, Ben, I needed someone to show me a way out of what I was. I was running with no destination in mind, and I was scared. But you… you gave me somewhere to go.”

She turns her hand over underneath his to lace their fingers together. The warmth of connection spreads up Rey’s arm. 

“Don’t make the people who care sit by and watch. We want to help. _I_ want to help. Let me.”

Kylo looks at Rey closely, and their faces inch slightly closer together. He closes his eyes and then their foreheads press together. 

“I don’t know, Rey. Snoke… he raised me to be this monster, this threat.”

_Snoke did not raise you._

“Maybe that’s all I’m ever going to be, you know? Maybe Hux should lead, and I should go back to being…”

_Be yourself, Ben._

He opens his eyes and looks at her. Rey feels her heartbeat fluttering quickly in her chest at the sight of him. Kylo slowly draws his hand away. 

“Alright, fine. I’ll call the Knights together. But I’m not promising anything.”

Rey grins. “I can’t wait to meet more of your friends.”

She calls the practice saber back to her hand and stands again to a sparring stance. 

“They’re _not_ my friends,” Kylo says. “How many times do I have to remind you that I don’t have friends? Well, besides you.”

He stands up and calls his saber as well. Rey laughs.

“Keep telling yourself that, Supreme Leader. One day you might even believe it.”

  
  



	32. Compromise

As conflict looms, Rey and Kylo return back to their normal routine of mostly being silent but basking in the low warmth of being near each other. Rey never realized that a piece of her was missing when she and Kylo were apart, but now she feels this sense of rightness, like the bond is rightly celebrating the fact that they’re back together again. 

She decides to relent in her frustration of his morning comments. It feels, honestly, like holding onto rage is the sort of vitrolouc behavior that has twisted _him._ Rey thinks that sometimes, even if it is not what she desires, it can be best to let things go. He has relented to working with her to defeat Hux. She can…. forgive. 

Kylo is good on his word and calls the Knights to come to the lake house. Jynna Ren and Talaa are happy to get to stay another night. 

“It’s gonna be a tight fit,” Talaa Ren remarks. “Kylo, you’ll give up your room, right? It’s not like anyone sleeps there anyway.”

Kylo chokes on his glass of water.Rey once again wonders how it is possible that Talaa Ren is a secretive Knight of Ren. She simply does not seem to possess the skill of keeping her mouth shut. 

Talaa Ren lounges in her kitchen table chair with her eyes trained on Kylo and Rey. Beside her, Jynna seems far less interested in the nuances and politics of their conversation, and much more in eating what’s sitting on her place. _That_ is why Rey likes Jynna so much. She has her priorities in order. 

In an effort to brush over Talaa’s last comment, Kylo turns to Rey. “Do you remember Bale Thanas?”

Rey nods. The man that was her ticket into the gala was not remarkable outside of his sleaziness and his wealth, but of course she remembers him. How could she forget that night? He is a smaller piece of a larger collection of moments, catching Kylo’s eye, dancing with him in front of everyone, meeting him alone in the hall… 

“Well, apparently he’s been _asking_ about you,” Kylo says. “Worried about how you disappeared, or something.”

“Who’s Bale Thanas?” Talaa asks, but she never receives a response, because Kylo has pulled Rey into a memory from back on _Absolution_. He’s standing in an office not unlike one she remembers from one of their previous connections, but this time he is with General Hux.

This office has a glass wall that overlooks the hangar below. Hux and Kylo stand side by side and watch as Troopers march across in long, uniform lines. 

“That woman from the gala that you danced with—Kira,” Hux begins from beside Kylo. “Have you heard from her since?”

Rey can feel Kylo’s pulse quicken in the memory, but he keeps his voice passive. 

“No.”

“She has not been seen since the Gala,” Hux says casually. “And apparently Thanas is making a fuss about it, for whatever reason. As if it is _our_ problem to watch after _his_ guest.”

“She probably tired of him,” Kylo says. He knows that Rey had no interest in Thanas, that she had used him to gain invitation to the gala. Though her motivations beyond that, he is unsure. If Rey wanted to see him, she could just _see him._ The only reason they parted on Coruscant is because it is what she wished. 

“Yes, but tired _where_ ? This woman appears quite out of nowhere, is the only one to dance with _you_ at the gala, and then disappears. I must say, it is quite suspicious.”

Kylo keeps himself steady. Rey would not want him to expose anything. He has to diffuse the situation. 

“You make an awful lot of inquiries for someone so uninvested, General.”

Rey watches in the memory as Kylo walks swiftly away. 

“Hello? Hello? See, this is what I’m talking about. They’re just _staring_ at each other.”

Rey blinks out of the memory to see Talaa and Jynna watching her and Kylo with interest. 

“Sorry, what?”

“Oh no,” Talaa rolls her eyes. “You two don’t bother with us. We’re just fine over here being excluded from the conversation.”

Kylo turns to look at his Knights. “You can easily be dismissed.”

“They will _not_ ,” Rey says sharply. She turns back to her friends. “Sorry, it’s a… Force bond thing. He was showing me a memory. Bale Thanas is the man who took me as his date to the First Order gala. I kind of… left him there, I guess. I didn’t really think that one through.”

“You had other priorities,” Kylo supplies. 

Priorities like running off to Jakku, like fleeing the ship just when things had gotten interesting. What had Kylo offered? _If I’m so wrong, Rey, then advise me. Stay._ She had turned him down then, too, just like on the _Finalizer._ Kriff, Rey never wants to tell Talaa about _that_ interaction, because she’d probably lose her mind knowing Rey had rejected Kylo’s offer _again._

“I’ll have to go soon,” Rey says. “After this stuff with Hux, I have to go back to the Resistance—maybe stop on Coruscant, too. Thanas isn’t the only one wondering what happened to me.”

Talaa Ren frets. “Why would you go to the _Resistance_? I mean, you have all this here!”

She gestures animatedly to Jynna, who has returned to eating, and Kylo, who stares at her blankly. 

“Yes, but even though I like you all very much, the Resistance is something I believe in. And I’ve got friends there, too. Friends I didn’t even say goodbye to before I ran off.”

Kylo huffs. “The Resistance is as good as dead, Rey. And you know what that makes your friends when I find them? Criminals.”

“The Resistance is _not_ dead. In fact, we—” Rey shuts her mouth. It’s the first time in a while she’s deliberately held something from Kylo. But she can’t just go around talking about the strength in numbers of the Resistance. The defection of Troopers is a good sign, too. It means Finn’s plans are working. So no, Rey would _not_ say the Resistance is dead. 

Her aversion hangs dead in the air. Jynna Ren looks at her curiously, and Rey casts her eyes back down to her plate. _Stupid._ The best thing she can do is _not_ bring up the Resistance here, even if Jynna and Talaa are less… unwilling to respect her allegiance. It only causes old waves of tension to rumble between her and Kylo, which Rey does not want to cause. Not when they are finally getting on the same page about Hux. 

“Let’s all be on the same side for now,” Talaa says after a long moment has passed. “That’s good, right?”

Rey and Kylo look at eachother. 

_I am going to find a way to end this war,_ Rey says in her mind. _And everyone I care about is going to be okay, including you._

He doesn’t respond. 

_Ben?_

Jynna and Talaa inform Rey and Kylo that they're going to the casino again tonight. 

“And you’re _not_ invited,” Talaa says, “Sorry, Rey, not even you. I need to spend some one on one time with my best girl Jynna Ren here before her twin and the rest of the Knights show up. Those people have no game, you know?”

Rey shrugs. Of course, Jynna knows she has never officially _met_ the other Knights, nor did she really intend to. 

Talaa stretches her hand across the table to pat Rey’s. “Don’t worry Rey, _you_ still have game. Trust me…” Talaa trails off, probably reminiscing on her own scattered memories of their night at Aerie casino. From the little bit Rey can remember, her and Talaa were _very_ close that night. Talaa snaps back to attention. 

“But you’re still not invited. Knights only!” Talaa looks pointedly at Kylo., “Leader excluded, of course. Sorry to both of you. Still, Rey. You have game.”

“So kind of you,” Rey says playfully. 

_What’s ‘game’ and how do you have it?_ Kylo asks. 

_I honestly have no idea._

_Does Jynna know?_

_There is not a single person in this universe who has any idea what she’s talking about,_ Rey says. 

Kylo does something between a snort and a laugh out loud, and quickly tries to cover it with a cough. Talaa eyes him suspiciously. 

“Something funny over there, Kylo? Care to share with the class?”

“Not at all,” Kylo says. 

Talaa rolls her eyes. “Fine, save _all the fun for Rey._ I get it, you like her more.” 

It’s times like this where Rey wishes she could mind-communicate with Talaa. There is something else going on, she knows; some other reason why Talaa is not inviting her and Kylo along with them and she wants to _know._

But Rey never gets to ask, because Talaa and Jynna head out right after dinner. 

“We won’t be back tonight at all,” Talaa says. She coyly smiles and looks between them. “So don’t have _too_ much fun.”  
Then she winks at Rey— _winks_ , really, right in front of Kylo—and if Rey didn’t understand Talaa’s intentions before, now she feels even more flustered. She’s seen that wink before—when Finn or Poe or Rose would leave dinner with another to go do… personal things. Have relationships and such. Of course Rey isn’t one to speculate too much into the romantic lives of her friends, but she’s known Poe Dameron long enough to know what a wink like that means. 

There’s no possible way Rey will be getting up to any… wink worthy activities tonight. Kylo is her _friend._ The bond they share is emotional and he doesn’t… feel that way about her. Rey is positive about this. If he did, wouldn’t she know by now? Caring about a person and wanting them in _that_ way are two entirely different things, and Kylo Ren does not want Rey in that second way. That isn’t to say she doesn’t find him attractive, because she _does_. His lips are like—well, it doesn’t matter, really. She wouldn’t mess up this tentative peace and caring they’ve built by saying something like that when it wouldn’t be reciprocated. 

After Talaa and Jynna leave for the night, Rey and Kylo are left back to their old habits of silence. He follows her upstairs, and they sit on the bed together 

“I don’t really want to read the Jedi texts tonight,” Rey confesses. “They’ve proved to be a bit…”  
“Boring?”

“No, not boring.” Okay, yes, they are boring But Rey isn’t ever going to admit that to him. 

“I just have other things to think about with the Force, that’s all.”

“Other things?”

“Yes, non-Force bond things.”

Kylo frowns. “What happened to you while I was gone? You seem to have had some shift in perspective.”

Not much happened in theory, but also Rey feels like she’s beginning to question _everything._

“I just… realized that maybe what I want wasn’t what I was reaching for, if that makes sense.”

“It doesn’t,” Kylo says. “But if it makes sense to _you_ , that’s what matters.”

He’s right. Rey has begun to feel, through talking with Jynna Ren, like maybe there’s more to the picture than she’s ever let herself see before. That is, Light and Dark are such arbitrary distinctions within the Force and perhaps she doesn’t _have_ to yield herself to them. The ‘Dark’ is more than pain, she knows, and the light is more than peace. Perhaps there is something _else_ she wants than to sit at a polarizing end of that spectrum. Perhaps there is another place she wants to be. Although, how Rey approaches this understanding while not falling _too_ deeply into aspects of the Force she does not want to be involved with is still a question she must contend with. 

“Rey?”

She looks up to see Kylo studying her face. 

“I wanted to ask…. I mean… I will stay in here, when the Knights come, if that’s alright with you.”

She shakes the thoughts of the Force from her mind. Right, yes. The Knights of Ren will be staying with them. Is Rey prepared for them to _know_ that her and Kylo are friends? She supposes that in order to take down Hux, she will have to make that sacrifice. 

“It is.”

“I don’t think the rest of them would be fond to double up. Especially Maro, he’s not the sleepover type.”

“Really, it’s okay, Ben. You already stay here anyway, why would I mind?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. Talaa hasn’t said anything about you to the other Knights like I asked, but I can’t promise she won’t… start rumors, when they get here.”

Oh. Rumors that they’re… what, exactly? Rey isn’t sure. She can see from Kylo’s face that the prospect _is_ embarrassing to him, which makes her wonder if there’s someone coming that he doesn't want thinking these things about them. Rey is fairly confident Kylo isn’t interested in Jynna or Talaa, but maybe Jeele or Sola or Annik? Kriff, maybe even Maro, she has no idea. 

Rey decides that it’s fine if this is the truth. Kylo has known the Knights of Ren far longer than he has known her, so she surely doesn’t want to get in the way of that dynamic. Besides, she just wants what’s best for him. If he has feelings for one of his Knights, well, then that’s good. She’s happy for him. 

“If there's someone else you want to stay with instead, that’s okay.”

Kylo’s eyebrows crease together. “What?”

Rey flusters. She doesn’t want to seem _pushy._ Really, she _does_ sleep better with him next to her, but maybe he’s looking for _something else_. 

“I just thought if you’re worried about rumors, that maybe there's someone you’d want to impress…”

Kylo looks absolutely _dumbfounded._ “Oh. Wait—you think I’m attracted to one of the Knights?”

She’s going to melt from embarrassment on the spot. He doesn’t need to be so… _blatant_ about it. 

“I don’t know, Ben. I’m just saying I don’t want to get in your way of… that.”

Kylo stares at her. “It’s none of them, Rey. It’s never been like that.”

But it is _someone,_ he means. 

“Oh, alright.”

She sheepishly feels a bit relieved. Rey doesn’t know if she would be able to withstand that sort of situation. 

“Do you want to go to bed?” he asks. “You seem tired.”

She nods. Yes, going to sleep is probably the best thing. Last night she trained with Jynna in the moonlight and it was fairly exhausting. Also, The Knights will be arriving the day after tomorrow and Rey wants to spend as much time as she can until then training through more combat methods with Jynna Ren. 

Kylo and Rey slide under the covers side by side, with their heads facing the ceiling. Rey squeezes her eyes shut and tries to focus on falling asleep. He’s just about two feet away from her, laying with his head on the pillow right next to hers. After a minute of silence, she finds pretending like drifting off is possible to be annoying. Rey turns on her side to face Kylo. 

His eyes are closed, but he seems to sense the shift of her wright. Kylo rolls to face her, and they find themselves with less than a foot of space between their faces. 

“Hi,” she says. 

“Hi.”

“I couldn’t—I mean, I can’t—my mind is restless.”

“Mine always is.”

Because he has to run the First Order and deal with Hux and organize the Knights and tolerate her and this bond they’ve built. 

“We can talk about it, if you want,” Kylo says. “It’s not like Talaa or Jynna will hear.”

Right. They’re _alone_ . Rey tries to relax at this thought, but it makes her oddly nervous. It’s not that she’s _afraid_ of him—that has long since passed. No, this fear is something else. 

“Where would you be, Ben? Without the war. What would you want to be?”

Kylo creases his eyebrows together. “Where would _you_ be?”

Probably on Jakku, but Rey doesn’t want to say that. “I’d be a mechanic,” she says. “I like fixing things that make sense. Droids and ships are simple compared to people.”

“They are much simpler, I agree.”

“What about you?”

“Well, when I was younger I wanted to be a pilot.”

Rey tries to picture Ben being a smuggler like his father, and the image makes her giggle. 

“What’s so funny about that?”

“I just think without the war you’d _want_ to be a pilot, but you’d be much more posh. Probably living on Coruscant or something.”

“Coruscant? Really?” He seems suspicious of her hypothetical scenario. Rey would never live on Coruscant in her own alternate reality. It’s much too crowded, and the whole planet is too focused on wealth for her own tastes. As much as she loves her friend Pree, it is not a place she would want to be. But Kylo—or Ben, as he would be—is not like her in this way.

“Yes.” Rey can see it now, this life that Ben Solo could have had in her head. 

“And you’d live in the penthouse of one of those tall buildings, and work in some expensive place doing expensive things that I don’t even understand. Oh! And you’d always say you wanted to be a pilot, but the only time you’d ever get off-world would be with your kids.”

“ _Kids_ ?” He looks incredulous. “Hold on, in this other reality I have _children_?”

Rey shrugs. “I don’t know. I think without this war, you’d probably have a family like that… kids and a… wife.”

She casts down her eyes. Why did she bring this up again?

“What about you, Rey? Would you have kids?” His voice is casual. Rey laughs. 

“ _No way._ And I wouldn’t in this reality, either. So if you have children when this is all over, I won’t be coming to visit them.”

He laughs. “It seems like we’re on the same page, then. If _you_ have kids, I won’t come visit them either.”

“I’m sure whoever you marry won’t want the woman on the other side of the mental bond hanging around much.”

A strangely sad thought washes over Rey. He _will_ meet someone someday, and though Kylo and this other person won’t be bonded, that love will be more important to him than his and Reys’ friendship. Which would be fine, rational, but it’s just that Rey has become so used to being the center of Kylo’s universe—whether it be fighting or friendship. They’re tied together on two ends of the same string. But what about when he falls in love? She will have to experience that… that _distance_ between them as it will continuously widen. 

And one day, he might forget about her entirely. 

Of course, there should be an inverse to that situation where _she_ forgets _him._ But Rey thinks it is nearly impossible for that to come to pass, seeing as how things have played out. She suspects she is a small speck in Kylo’s massive web of connections, but Rey doesn’t _have_ a web like he does. And nobody out there has been able to unravel her feelings quite like he has. Rey worries that when he walks away from her, she will watch him go and will not have the courage to turn in a different direction. 

“Hey, are you okay?” he brushes a hand over her cheek. “You look like you’re going to be sick.”

“I’m fine… just….”

“If it’s about the Knights, don’t worry. None of the others are quite as bold as Talaa Ren.”

“It's not, it's just…. I like being here, Ben.”

“The lake house will always be open to you, Rey.”

“I mean I like being here with _you_.”

Kylo’s lips part in surprise. “Oh, well, I like being here with you, too.”

“And I have to leave soon. Once I go back, we can’t pretend there's no war anymore. It’s not just me and you, no matter how much I wish it could be sometimes.”

“I wish that all of the time,” Kylo says softly. Rey flusters.

“Yes… well it isn’t like that, and we have to start thinking like it isn’t. For example, my friends are _not_ criminals. They are doing what they believe is right.”  
“But Rey, your friends—”

“Deserve the same amount of respect as you give me. You have gone out of your way to compromise with me, Ben. What about them? Do they not deserve the same?”

Kylo bites his lip. “Well… they’re not _you,_ Rey.”

“Yes, obviously. But they are good—”

“Good? Rey, you came here because you felt like they were weaponizing you. Is that what a _good_ friend does? I don’t see why I should give any stretch of clemency to the people that hurt you.”

“They didn’t hurt me, really, I was _fine_ , and actually—”

“You didn’t see,” Kylo says quietly. “You didn’t see what you looked like on Lothal, how _defeated_ you were, because of what those _friends_ were pressuring you to be. I know… I know what it feels like to be somebody’s weapon, Rey, and the person doing the weaponizing is not someone I’m interested in treating with any sort of respect.”

She feels… _better_ than Lothal, but at the same time, Kylo’s anecdote has her shaken. Her friends may have made mistakes, but they’re still her _friends._ Besides, she _wanted_ to be their Jedi at the time. Or, at least, she _thought_ she wanted that. So how could they know, really, that they were hurting her? Her situation is different from Kylo’s. 

“I’m asking, for me, that you treat my friends with respect if you meet them,” Rey says. “Because I care about all of you, and I don’t want anything bad to happen.”

“It’s a war.”

“Of course it’s a war. But it’s also our lives, the only ones we have. And I don’t think it’s wrong for me to want all of the people I care about to live.”

Kylo sighs. “It’s not… wrong, Rey. You’re much better than me to think that way.”

If he has enough kindness for her, Rey knows that he must have enough kindness for her friend. It is simply a principle. Perhaps her friends could be _his_ friends in some far off reality, just like she has become fond of the Knights. 

He reaches across to place a hand on her forearm. 

“Will you try, Ben?” She asks. “For me, will you try to be kinder?”

It’s a subjective thing, Rey knows, to be _kind_ . But what she means—and Kylo knows this—is that she wants him to be _lenient_ . To perhaps _compromise_ with her friends, if and when the time comes. Kylo probably doesn’t know if that’s possible. Rey doesn’t even know herself. But, surprisingly, he does answer her after a moment. 

“I will try.”

Rey nods. _Good._

“If you try, too, Rey, to be a bit harsher.”

“Harsher? What?”

“To your friends. If you decide to go back to the Resistance—which I now understand is your intention, truly—then do not let them push you around as you did before.”

“You don’t know—”

“I do,” Kylo’s face is serious. “I do know, Rey, how you felt. I saw it and I felt it through the bond after it opened back up. And I will try to find a compromise with _you_ , if you'll find one with me.”

Rey doesn’t feel like she needs to be _harsher._ Everything has never been perfect, but Rey doesn’t know if she wants to go back and be aggressive with the people she cares about. And perhaps entering another bargon with Kylo Ren is a dangerous game, especially when the Resistance is in the balance. 

“Alright, fine,” Rey says. “But I’m not sure how much leeway I’ll have to be _harsh_ after I dropped off the edge of the galaxy for almost two months.”

“Like I don’t know how plausible it is for me to be kind, after all I’ve done.”

“I guess we’ll have to try.”

“We will.”

Kylo brushes his thumb up and down the side of Rey’s arm, which causes all of the breath to leave Rey’s body. 

“You’ll go back… after Hux?”

“When the timing is right,” she says. “I… I have to go back, Ben. As long as the Order is this way, I cannot stay here with you.”

The question of whether or not Rey would leave if the First Order _changed_ is one she does not know how to confront. 

“I just wish…” she trails off. Rey wishes for more than she could ever know, more than is possible to want. But what she can _attain,_ that is different. 

“Well, I just wish I knew what I was supposed to be by now. At some point, isn’t everything supposed to make sense? I’ve been running and searching and learning, and there is _no_ clarity. I thought I’d find answers on Ahch-To and I didn’t, then on the _Finalizer_ and back with the Resistance I thought maybe it was finally time. Then, on Lothal, I thought _finally,_ I was doing something that made sense. But that didn’t even happen. I’m just so tired of running around looking for answers about who I’m supposed to be. And I still don’t feel centered, like there’s another piece that needs to fall into place and it’s right in front of me but I just can’t see it.”

“Maybe you never will.”

“What?”

“Maybe none of us ever really know what we’re supposed to become, even if we’ve reached it. Maybe life is always this… searching, this longing for things just beyond the horizon.”

He gently draws his hand away from her arm, laying it on the bed between them. 

“That’s a difficult thing to accept,” Rey says softly. “Especially for me. Searching and finding is what I do.”

Kylo smiles softly. “You’ll be alright, Rey. The Force wills it.”

She perks up. “It does?”

“It does.”

Rey isn’t sure if Kylo is right, or if he’s even being honest that he _knows_ anything about the Force. However, she holds to his words as if they are true. 

Kylo and Rey stare at each other quietly. Her eyes follow the steady rise and fall of his chest, then drift up to his dark eyes. The fear that she had once held in a pool deep in her stomach has long since dissipated, and is replaced by a wild sort of lingering anticipation and nervousness whenever he's around. 

Kylo raises his head just barely from his pillow and leans closer to Rey. She ceases to breathe. He inches closer, closer, and his lips just lightly press against the top of her forehead. Rey gasps. 

“Goodnight, Rey.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. “Goodnight, Ben.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to those who celebrate, merry christmas!! I can't believe it's christmas I feel like it should still be march. this year has been wild...... anyway, if you don't celebrate christmas, I hope you are having a good week in general. and thank you all for reading and commenting i'm glad someone out there is enjoying the manifestation of my quarantine boredom


	33. Unity

The rest of the Knights of Ren arrive with much more regality than Talaa Ren or Jynna. For one, Rey, Kylo, Jynna, and Talaa are ready to receive them on the patio as each one arrives, so there is no awkward walking-into-the-bedroom situation that occurs. Rey is glad for this, she’s not sure the other Knights would be bemused by finding her and Kylo sleeping in a bed together. Rey can tell Talaa’s composure is certainly the most eccentric of the bunch. She is, for lack of a better term, the  _ spunkiest  _ of all the Knights. 

First to arrive is Annik Ren, who has a crop of blonde ringlets on the top of her head. She does not speak until spoken to, and Kylo greets her rather passively. 

Rey stands to Kylo’s left as Annik arrives on the stone patio. She feels like his aide or something, standing by his side. And as much work as he does to assert that they are equals, it does feel in this situation as if they are not. After all,  _ he  _ is the Master of the Knights Of Ren. 

_ Aren’t you supposed to be nice to them?  _ Rey asks him after Annik heads inside. 

_ Not really, no,  _ Kylo response.  _ That isn’t in the nature of the Dark.  _

But this turns out to be total bullshit, because after an awkward cold greeting with Annik, Talaa makes some sort of joke that Rey doesn't understand and Annik and ynna laugh. Rey looks out of the corner of her eye to see Kylo smiling. 

Next to arrive are Sola and Maro, and when they walk up the steps to the patio, Rey can feel their powerful energy in the Force spreading out over the entire lakehouse. As if picking up on this thought, Kylo whispers into her mind. 

_ Sola and Maro are the strongest with the Force,  _ he says.  _ Well, besides me, of course.  _

Rey grins to herself.  _ So humble of you to say.  _

_ I always am.  _

Rey is interested in this only other male Knight of Ren. Now, if she had met Maro Ren first instead of Talaa, her expectations for the Knights would’ve been  _ vastly  _ skewed. The man is  _ scary _ . Peeking out of the left sleeve of his shirt is a nasty looking scar running down the length of his hand. Rey wonders how far up his arm the scar travels.

Sola Ren is a bit closer in demeanor to Jynna. She greets Kylo with a curt nod and shakes Rey’s hand before heading inside with her stuff. 

_ Your friends treat this like some sort of business arrangement,  _ she remarks. 

_ It is, in a way.  _

_ In business arrangements people don’t swear to lay down their lives for one another.  _

Last to arrive is Jeele Ren, and for a second Rey thinks she’s seeing double because Jelee and Jynna look  _ exactly  _ alike. Upon closer inspection, however, Rey notices that Jelee’s skin is a bit darker, and the pattern of curls in her hair is a bit wavier than those of Jynna. 

“They’re not identical,” Talaa says, as they watch the two sisters embrace. “But they might as well be.”

Each of the Knights disperse to their own sleeping quarters, and Kylo heads upstairs with Jynna and Jelee. This leaves Rey and Talaa out on the porch together in the late afternoon light. 

“You two got up late this morning,” Talaa says. “Long night?”

Rey shakes her head. What happened last night is that she and Kylo began to discuss more aspects of the Force and the history of Light and Dark. She didn’t  _ exactly  _ allude to any perspective one way or another on what Kylo said, but Rey tried to listen with more of an open mind than she had in the past. 

And just like the night before, right before they had gone to sleep, Kylo had leant over and kissed Rey lightly on the forehead. 

What had been  _ different  _ from this morning compared to the last is that today she woke up  _ against  _ him. Meaning, Rey had gone to sleep facing up and woke up with her back pressed against his chest, and his arm wrapped around her waist. Kylo had been asleep, she was sure he didn’t even know that this had transpired. Rey didn’t want to tell him, fearing it would make him feel uncomfortable around her, especially if during her confession he sensed her emotions and figured out that she actually  _ liked  _ it. 

She would just have to leave more space between them when she fell asleep tonight so that the same situation could not transpire again. Rey cannot even imagine how embarrassed she would be for Kylo to wake up with her nuzzling her messy bed head into his forearm. 

“Just needed some extra sleep,” Rey says. “Big day today, you know?”

Talaa’s expression turns serious. “Right. It is a big day.”

She looks back at the lakehouse, but nobody comes back out onto the patio. Rey suspects that Kylo is nowhere near within earshot. 

“Rey, listen to me. Don’t let him push you around today, alright?”

Rey frowns. “What?”

“Kylo. I don’t know how he’s going to play this with the Knights, if he’ll try to act… tough, or maybe downplay it. If you’ve got an idea, or something at all to say, don’t let Kylo make you feel like you can't say it, alright?”

Rey agress. “I just want Hux out of the Order. Whatever it takes to get that done, I’m willing to do.”

Talaa places a hand on Rey’s shoulder. “You’re a good person, Rey. Most people… most people would’ve ran to the opposite side of the galaxy if they found out they had a Force bond with Kylo Ren, but you—you’re willing to see that there’s more to him—more to all of us, really, than what even we believe. Thank you… for going this far, for wanting to help him.”

It’s the most serious thing Rey has ever heard Talaa say to her. And it touches her deeply. 

“Talaa… can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Do friends ever… kiss each other on the forehead, before they go to sleep?”

Rey’s face flushes red. It’s obvious, of course, to whom Rey refers. While this is undoubtedly  _ news  _ to Talaa Ren, the Knight keeps a passive expression on her face. Rey is grateful for this. 

“I think,” Talaa says. “That  _ you  _ are the only person that can figure out the answer to that question.”

Rey nods. It’s a question—at the crux—that she has decidedly  _ not  _ been asking herself for so long. But maybe now, when her time is dwindling before her inevitable departure…. Maybe now is the time to start asking.

She came with Kylo to the lakehouse because she had nowhere else to go. But perhaps that isn’t the reason she decided to stay. 

\---

For the time remaining, Rey paces back and forth in her room—unbeknownst to Kylo, who is off elsewhere—agonizing over when she should arrive at this meeting for the Knights of Ren. Arriving early could leave her in there with the other Knights and not Talaa, Jynna, or Kylo. Seeing as Rey has not really gathered their thoughts on her yet, she decides she doesn't want to do this. Besides, it might be  _ awkward.  _ She also isn’t sure if they want her there for the  _ whole  _ meeting. In reality, she isn’t  _ actually  _ a Knight, and something tells Rey in her gut that these meetings do not often see Lightsiders in attendance. So perhaps Kylo wants to say something before she arrives, but if that was the case he should have  _ said  _ something to her. 

In the end, she decides to be expressly punctual and arrive right at the time the meeting is supposed to start. She seems to not be the only one with this idea, because she bumps into Kylo right outside the kitchen door. 

“I told them to meet us here in an hour,” he says. “Which should be about now, so my guess is everyone but Talaa is in there.”

Rey and Kylo stand outside the door to the kitchen. Kylo has set up the table with eight chairs inside.

“Are you certain you want this, Rey?” he asks. 

“What do you mean? The Knights are already  _ here _ .”

“I know, but getting involved in taking down Hux… it’s going to be a lot. When I said you could live here, I wasn’t asking for a favor in return. We can find a way to do this without you, if you’d rather stay here.”

Rey shakes her head. “No, Ben. I  _ want  _ to help. I have my own reasons for taking out Hux too, you know.”

“I know. I just wanted to make sure you were clear. Because once this starts, Rey, it won’t relent until it’s finished.”

Which could be hours, weeks, or years. She has no idea how complicated it will be to remove Hux from the Order. Still, Rey knows this is a step in the right direction. 

“I’m ready.”

Kylo and Rey both reach for the door handle.

“Oh—”

“Sorry—”

They look at eachother. Rey smiles earnelsy. 

“I’ll get it,” she says.

She opens the door and they step inside together.

Just as Kylo predicted, the Knights of Ren have all assembled, save Talaa Ren. Rey takes a seat at the squashed table to Kylo’s left. A minute later the door bangs open and Talaa slips into the seat beside Rey. 

“A bit more informal than our usual meetings,” Talaa remarks. “A lot less… black, and darkness, and weapons.” She glances towards the kitchen cabinets. “I don’t think we’ve ever all gathered in a  _ kitchen.  _ Great location choice, Kylo. Genuinely.” 

None of the Knights move a muscle. 

“And a guest, too. We  _ never  _ have guests.”

She turns to Rey with a knowing smile. Indeed, Rey can feel all eyes on her. 

“You all will like Rey, she’s got  _ game _ .”

“Nobody knows what the hell that is,” a voice says to the right. Rey looks over to see a severe looking Sola Ren staring right at her. Kriff, if Sola’s eyes were blasters, Rey would surely have been shot right through the heart by now. 

“The real question is, can she fight?”

The rest of the Knights seem to square up their posture at this question. Rey restrains herself from looking to Kylo, to have him vouch for her. A moment of silence passes. Is he not going to say something? What about Talaa, or Jynna? They have  _ all  _ seen her fight, or at least spar. 

_ Can she fight?  _ It seems like such an arbitrary and predatory question. But Rey suspects it’s an important one to the Knights. They have fought their entire lives for the reputation they have, and here she is marching in beside Kylo Ren acting like she has any right to sit in their circle. Maybe she isn’t entirely deserving to be here, and Sola Ren can see it. If only someone, Kylo especially, would speak on her behalf and say she’s at least decent with her staff and the practice sabers. Or perhaps she  _ isn’t  _ so decent, and this is their way of letting her know… 

No. Rey shakes the thought away. She has worked her ass off to survive enough to get here. And she  _ is  _ worthy to sit at this table and have this conversation. Nobody should vouch for her but herself. 

“I kicked Kylo’s ass on Starkiller,” she says. “And we killed Snoke’s guards together. So yes, I can fight.”

Silence sits at the table as everyone absorbs her words. 

“I’ll second it,” Jynna says. Surprised, Rey turns her eyes to Jynna to give her a look of thanks. But Jynna Ren is not looking at Rey, but directly at Sola Ren. The two women stare at each other, seeming to have an unspoken conversation with their eyes. Sola Ren leans back in her seat. 

“Very well,” Sola says. “Welcome, Rey.”

With the moment passed, Kylo begins the meeting. As he begins to speak, Rey slips a small question to him in the bond. 

_ Were you waiting for me to stand up for myself?  _

_ That’s how you earn their respect.  _

So he  _ was  _ intentionally holding back his opinion. And now supposedly she has earned the first level of respect from the Knights. Rey resists the urge to kick him under the table. He could’ve  _ told  _ her that so she didn’t sit there feeling so humiliated that nobody was sticking up for her. But perhaps that made it more genuine. 

“Armitage Hux is someone you'll surely know well,” Kulo says. “He has wanted to kill me for a while now, and I must say, I never thought the problem large enough to bring it to all of you. That is until two instances over the past few weeks. First, at the gala, Hux informed Rey of his intention to kill me.”

“He told  _ her _ ?” Maro asks. Even if Rey has been deemed deserving enough to sit here, Maro Ren is not completely impressed enough with Rey’s aura and presence to understand why Hux would delve this information to her. Honestly Rey is always wondering why anyone tells her anything. 

“Why? Did he know her identity?”

Kylo shakes his head. “Rey was disguised. Nobody would have made the connection between her disguise and the Resistance threat. However, she and I did dance together rather publicly at the gala which sparked some… rumors.”

“Rumors?” Talaa asks. “What rumors?”

Talaa probably knows damn well what the rumors are, Rey thinks. 

“Of our… attachment to one another,” Kylo says plainly. Rey’s heart drops into the pit of her stomach, but she keeps her face indifferent. She resists every urge to look at him and read what expression is no doubt written across his face. Desire? Disgust? 

“And are there any truth to those rumors?” Sola Ren asks, again looking right at Rey,  _ surveying  _ her. 

Kriff. If Rey could melt on the spot, she would. She would  _ die  _ if she could, just in this moment. Rey drags her eyes over to Kylo’s face. He looks directly back at Sola Ren. 

“Rey and I—as you all know—share a special bond in the Force. Because of that we have become… friends.”

Rey’s heart pounds in her chest. She can’t decide if she wants to explain herself or never speak again. 

“However,” Kylo says, “This meeting is not about my relationship with Rey. Hux told her about his intentions purely because I danced with her, and he likely wanted the word to get back to me. I would think nothing of this, if not for the incident on  _ Absolution  _ this week. I made the decision to not slaughter a division of rogue Troopers, against our policy. Instead, I publicly ordered them for reconditioning. Hux was pissed, and the next morning the entire division was dead.”

Rey scans the table to search for any level of expression on the Knight's faces. They all seem rather calm, which Rey supposes is a facet of their training. Never let anyone know how you truly feel unless that is your explicit intention. 

“That sounds like a threat if I’ve ever heard one,” Maro says. “So, we’re going to kill him before he can get to you?”

“It’s more complicated than that. Hux has gathered many supporters. Cut off the head, and another will grow in its place.”

“Well we can hardly  _ let him live _ ,” Talaa says. “Where is he now? We could all just head over there and kick his ass!”

“Which would be treason,” Kylo says. “We cannot do so without evidence.”  
“Evidence? We have Rey! She _told_ you about the threat!”

“I will not risk compromising Rey’s identity to justify his death,” Kylo says flatly. 

Rey blushes. She didn’t even realize this was a problem being considered. 

“I mean, if I have to—”

“No,” Kylo turns to her. “If you come out and claim what Hux said, Rey, you’ll be a greater target than you already are. I will not risk your safety for something as menial as politics.”

“You’re already risking  _ your  _ safety right now,” Rey says, and then in her head she adds,  _ I can do this, Ben. I’ll come forward.  _

_ We will find another way.  _

_ But what if you can’t? You can’t risk me but you’ll let your Knights commit treason and have the whole Order go after them? _

_ I’d prefer that. _

_ Don’t say things like that. No you wouldn’t. _

_ I can’t lose you, Rey. You are the most important person to me.  _

While Rey and Kylo are staring at each other, all of the Knights are watching curiously. 

“It’s a secret mind-conversation,” Talaa explains. “They just stare at each other, and we never get to find out what they said. Pretty annoying, if you ask me.”

Kylo turns back to his Knights. “Hux intends to tear the First Order apart to get to me.  _ That  _ will be reason enough to take him out.”

Rey frowns. “You can’t seriously be suggesting—”

“That we wait for him to do it,” Kylo says. “If Hux is going to split the Order, that’s our best chance of getting them all.”

It is Jynna Ren who first objects. “That would throw the galaxy into  _ chaos _ . Besides, how could you even get enough resources to fight him?”

“And what could we do?” Annik asks. “We’re not  _ soldiers.  _ We’re not even in the Order. Nobody would listen to us.”

“They’d listen to you at my directive to do so.”

“So what, we’re First Order now?”

“No, you’re helping me solve a problem.”

“I just don’t see how you’ll have the resources to overpower him,” Sola says. “I mean, Hux runs the Troopers. Some might stick with you, but many will follow his directive. How are you going to fight then?”

The conversation halts. Sola is right, of course. Hux has been training the Troopers his entire life. Many, regardless of belief, might feel a stronger devotion to him than they do to Kylo. Rey desperately searches her mind for a plausible answer, but she isn’t the one who speaks next. 

“You’ll need the Resistance.”

Jeele Ren, who has been silent until now, draws all of their attention. “If the Resistance assists us, we can surely take out Hux.”

“The  _ Resistance  _ is our greatest threat,” Kylo says sharply. “Besides, it is as good as dead.”

Immediately, the whee;s begin to turn in Rey’s head.  _ The Resistance.  _ Why did she not think of that? 

“No it isn’t,” Rey finds herself saying. “And they’re trying to do exactly what you want—getting Troopers to defy Hux. If you reached an agreement with them, we could take out Hux and end all of this.”

“I will  _ not _ —” Kylo begins. 

“Yes you will,” Rey asserts. “It’s your best chance, Kylo. Do the right thing.”

Nobody moves an inch as Kylo stares at Rey. He has never— _ never _ —been defied so boldly in front of his own Knights. Frankly, the Knights are too self-preserving to ever even  _ think  _ of stepping out of line. They’ve sworn a duty to him, and even though they may squabble with discourse about the  _ how  _ and the  _ why,  _ at the end of the day they all fall into line with what Kylo decides. 

But Rey has sworn no such oath, nor is she intending to. 

“We will reconvene in the morning,” Kylo says, not taking his eyes off of Rey. “Get yourselves something to eat, if you need it. I will see you all tomorrow.”

He breaks eye contact with her and abruptly leaves the kitchen. The Knights sit in stunned silence.

“Well,” Talaa says. “Who wants dinner?”

The Knights all split up and begin making something to eat, but Rey isn’t hungry. She mumbles to Talaa that she’s going to head back upstairs and turn in early, but when Rey enters the hallway, she isn’t alone. 

“Are you okay?” Jynna asks. She shuts the kitchen door behind her.

Despite the turmoil churning in Rey’s stomach, she nods. “Yes, of course. That was just.... a lot, you know?”

Jynna nods. “You should talk to him,” she says. Rey knows she isn’t talking about Maro Ren. The words begin to spill out of her. 

“Why… why is he so against the logical choices? I get that he’s had it rough, that he’s done bad things in the past. He feels  _ guilty,  _ and that makes asking the Resistance for help  _ difficult _ . Fine, okay. But can’t he see what this means? The pieces are falling into place for us to  _ end this _ .”

That’s the main thing Rey wants, really. She just wants this war to be over. 

Talaa sighs. “He’s… human, Rey. Which means he’s prideful. That’s not an easy thing to let go of.”

“It is when swallowing your pride means ending the war.”

“How do wars begin?” Talaa asks. “Pride. Always pride. People have too much of it to concede or compromise, and then we end up in conflicts like this. It’s a historical cycle.”

But it shouldn’t be, Rey thinks. People need to learn to let go. 

“He needs to consider the Resistance,” she says. “I’ll make him consider it.”

“Maybe you’re not seeing the whole picture,” Jynna says quietly. 

Rey frowns. She’s pretty sure she understands what Kylo feels. They’re  _ mentally bonded.  _ The anxiety is there surrounding the Resistance, as well as the shame. At some level, he’s ashamed of what he’s done. Would they even accept his offer to end this?

“Let me put it this way, Rey. If the Order splits, and we need to partner with the Resistance, how will we do that? Who will go to them to make this offer?”

Rey would. 

_ Oh.  _

He’s worried she’ll leave her. Which means… 

“I'll figure it out,” Rey says. “This is the way to end this, I can feel it.”

Jynna Ren nods. “Remember, Rey, war always has a cost. Just… think about what price you’re willing to pay, before you really dive into this.”

\---

Kylo is sitting on the edge of her bed— _ their  _ bed, she supposes, at least for the night. He turns to look when she enters, and Rey wordlessly makes her way over to sit beside him. She takes his hand into hers, and together they look out the balcony doors into the moonlight. 

“You need the Resistance,” she begins. No use cutting away from what really needs to be said. 

“Rey—”

“No, Ben.” She shifts to face him. “The Knights agree, as do I. The best way to do this is to have as many people on your side as possible. And I know… Finn… he’s been trying to get Troopers to break out of the conditioning Hux sets. If you worked with him, you two could pull people over to your side. And that would be less bloodshed, too”

“You can’t seriously believe they would work with me,” Kylo says. “Rey, I’ve tried to kill  _ all  _ of them. Some I’ve succeeded in killing.”

“They want the same thing as you, to an extent.”

“No they do not—”

“Governance. A safe galaxy. What does Hux want? Unlimited power. Power in itself does not mean improvement. He’ll kill anyone in his path. You can be better than that. This is your opportunity.”

“The Resistance wants… democracy. It’s complete chaos and never works.”

“And neither does what you have set up.”

“The First Order has done bad things. Can we agree on that, Ben? Bad things have happened because of the organization you run.”

After a pause, Kylo nods.

“Right. And guess what? Just because something has been bad in the past, doesn’t mean it must continue.” 

Kylo sets his jaw and stares back out at the sky. 

“They will have… demands, in order to cooperate.”

“They will.”

“I’m not building another Senate to feed their egos.”

Rey rolls her eyes. “We  _ all  _ have egos, Ben. That's how things ended up like this. Have you ever thought about how powerful it is to even  _ try  _ and reach consensus? Have you even tried that?”

He grimaces. “No. And I don’t think strolling onto the Resistance base without them being warmed up to the idea of a partnership is the smartest move.”

When he puts it that way, the task sounds completely impossible. Perhaps they would say no regardless of what he offers. And yet… perhaps with a bit of  _ warming up _ … things could be different. Perhaps someone could convince them that taking out Hux at Kylo’s side  _ is  _ the best option. 

“I’ll convince them,” Rey says. “Give me… time. As much time as you can. And I’ll convince them that they should join you.”

He turns back to her. “That sounds an awful lot like you going back to a place that did not treat you fairly for  _ my  _ benefit,” Kylo says. 

“It’s me going back because I want to  _ end this _ ,” Rey says. How many times does she have to articulate this to him?  _ She wants to end the war.  _

“And what if they question where you’ve been? Or why you’re suddenly speaking in the favor of Kylo Ren?”

Rey will have to think that through. It’s going to be tricky, she knows, to navigate the politics of the situation without drawing any light on her nature of relationship to Kylo. Still, if she has to take heat for the better of the galaxy, that’s what she’s going to do. 

“Leave it to me.”

She can see the plan slowly becoming more plausible in his eyes. Rey will return to the Resistance, talk up the idea of an alliance, and then bring them together in order to defeat Hux. If that happens, well, it’s going to get messy after that. Rey suspects there will be a lot of arguing over who gets to decide what and how many people make the choices and so on, but something about this plan feels  _ right.  _ Like maybe, for once, they’re actually on track to something that matters. And if they make it far enough to even  _ have  _ the political discourse, she’s going to make sure that the little people of the galaxy will be protected. One thing is true: nobody in the First Order was standing up for people like her on Jakku before her connection to the Force opened, and nobody is going to start looking out for them now if Rey does not advocate. 

So yes, things will be tricky, but passion and peace will be able to coexist. That is what matters. 

“Can I ask you something?” Rey says.

“Always.”

“Why are you really so worried about me going back to the Resistance?”

Kylo swallows. “Well… it’s complicated.”

“Lots of things are complicated,” Rey says. “But if that’s you evading the truth, please don’t. Because I… I don’t know, Ben. I need to make sense of all this.”

Rey holds her breath. Of course she can’t  _ force  _ him to tell her anything… but it feels like the clock is running out for her to really  _ get  _ what’s going on here. There’s something missing to her understanding of their friendship, she knows, but what that is has become unclear.

“I just care about you, very much,” Kylo says. “Nobody has… you see me, Rey. Other people look. They look at the mask. They look at my face, when I let them. But you  _ see  _ me, always have. And it’s so special to me that you’re like that. I don’t want to lose you.”

She nods, then squeezes his hand lightly.

“You won’t lose me, Ben. I promise.”

Kylo exhales slowly, then studies her face again.

“And I feel the same. It’s like… you know me. Sometimes it pisses me off, actually. Because nobody has ever been able to read me like you do and I’m not used to it. But then I keep coming back, because I  _ want _ … it.”

“It’s probably just the effects of the Force bond,” Kylo says. 

“Probably.”

But it doesn’t feel that way. Often the Force bond feels like an extension of Rey’s feelings, not the other way around. And if this bond’s only goal was to make her attentive, well, it’s certainly done its job. Rey can hardly stand to be in a room with him and not devote at least a large amount of her mental attention to him. It’s just a habit at this point. 

“I will come back,” Rey says. “To you, I mean. When we figure this out. I want to come back. This isn’t something I intend on giving up in any scenario. I care about you too much.”

She hopes her cheeks don’t turn pink when she says this.

“Like I said earlier, You are the most important person to me, Rey.”

“You don’t have to—”

“It’s not a lie,” Kylo says. “Or an exaggeration. I just… I’m greedy. I don’t want you to leave. But if you think this is the way we take down Hux, we can work out a plan tomorrow and get you off to the Resistance within the day.”

_ Within the day.  _ She could be back with Finn, Rose, and Poe so very soon. Rey’s mind had never even considered the possibility that this plan would move so fast. But there is an incredible urgency, so it only makes sense that she would move with expedience. If she leaves tomorrow, that only leaves tonight for them to spend together. Tonight, and then the mirage shatters. Tonight, and then everything changes. 

“I believe in this plan. I can do this.”

“Of course you can.”

Rey leans closer to him, and for a moment it seems like he might move towards her, too. But when he doesn’t she leans her head on his shoulder and stares out into the night.

And later, when they have both eaten quietly and gotten ready for bed, Rey will crawl under the sheets and turn to look away from him and out through the windows. She will expect to drift off like this, until an arm reaches out and drapes across her waist. She will lean back slightly, and feel her back press against Kylo’s chest. And there, pressed against him, Rey will fall asleep. 

Tomorrow, they will put a plan into motion. Tomorrow, they will find a way to end this the way they should have started it. 

Together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not this fic reaching 100K words..... lol. thank u for reading this far we've got some ~good stuff~ coming up v soon i promise


	34. Departure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there's two (this one and the next) chapters left in part two! thanks so much for reading! i hope you all are having a good week.

The morning means Rey must present her intent to leave today to the rest of the Knights. Through this conversation, she learns two things. One, Talaa Ren is _not_ eager to see her go. And two, although Talaa and Jynna Ren are rather passive or distasteful in their opinions of the Order, all of the Knights do not share this affliction. In particular, Maro and Sola Ren seem to be rather passionate in their support for the regime. Jeele Ren seems to fall in the same perspective as her sister, and Rey cannot really get a read on Annik Ren. 

Kylo ended the meeting rather abruptly yesterday, so there was not much space for Jeele Ren’s proposition of teeming up with the Resistance to simmer. 

But today, the Knights do not withhold their opinion. The first rejection to Rey’s declaration of a plan comes—surprisingly—from Talaa.

“ _Absolutely_ not,” she says. “Rey should not be dropped off until the last minute, until we have established our allies within the Order. That way, if she needs to be extracted—”

“We are the only people who know Rey’s true identity,” Kylo says. “So we are the only ones who can extract her, or who can even _know_ that she is in on any of this.”

“But—today? Really?” Talaa seems unconvinced that Rey will need to _work_ on the Resistance at all. 

“Is Rey not capable of using the Force to make the Resistance leaders side with us? She could just—”

“No.” Rey says. “I will not ever, _ever_ do something like that to my friends, as I would not do it to any of you. If they are to help, it will be of their own volition.”

She casts a glare around the table. “And if anyone tries to interfere with this, they will answer to _me,_ and you can trust it will not be pleasant.”

Rey feels a shimmer of… amusement down the bond. She glares at Kylo. 

_Sorry,_ he says. _I’ve just never known you to be so… threatening._

 _I’m many things,_ she responds squarely. 

The conversation then turns to concerns past Rey herself, as Maro Ren digs deep into what Rey is sure Kylo fears most with this plan.

“How are we to be sure they won’t try and step all over us?” Maro Ren asks. “And you’ve devoted your life to the Order, are you willing to throw all those beliefs away to take out Hux?”

Kriff. Rey knows there are no definite answers to any of this right now. Maybe this plan _will_ fail. Maybe nobody will be willing to bend or budge and Hux will prevail. 

“No,” Kylo says firmly. “I am _not_ willing. And maybe we won’t need the Resistance at all. Perhaps when the chips fall, Armitage Hux will already find himself vastly overpowered. In that case, Rey need not step in. In that case she can stay with the Resistance, or come back to us.”

His affirmation seems to placate Maro Ren, but it only makes Rey feel sick. She understands that Kylo is likely to stick to certain beliefs, and that in some cases is _fine._ He is, of course, allowed to believe differently than her on how certain things should be run. The problem is, she feels that the Resistance will share his outlook, and everything will become incredibly polarized. 

“We’re going to need the Resistance to do this,” Jaina Ren says. “I can feel it.”

“They’re _criminals_ ,” Maro says. Rey cringes at the demoralizing term. She surmises that he is probably the first Knight that Kylo turns to when he needs his First Order bidding done. 

For once, Rey decides to sit back and let someone else defend the Resistance. She knows arguing semantics of law under wartime is not one to take up with Maro Ren. It’s not the basis of their fight, anway. 

And secretly, Rey wonders how much Kylo truly _would_ be willing to compromise. His words say not much is possible, and she believes this to be true of his perspective. The question becomes, if he will not compromise, how will she be able to convince the Resistance that fighting on Kylo’s side in this conflict is the _right_ choice? 

Rey considers it the right choice because Hux threatens Kylo, and he is somebody she cares about. Also, she has seen what Hux is willing to do. The slaughter of those Troopers was the last straw. Those people could’ve been Finn. 

But she can’t absolve Kylo from the sins he’s committed, _especially_ the ones he has no intent to reconcile. What happened to trying to atone? They haven’t had _that_ conversation in a while, and she isn’t sure how persistently he is holding onto the idea of fixing the things he regrets. If only Rey could crack that shell and find out exactly _what_ it is that he regrets, then she could have a clearer picture of what exactly she is dealing with. 

She suspects there is some guilt to how the Troopers are treated, seeing as he took her advice to not kill the Troopers who attempted defection. But how far does that guilt go? Would he consider negotiating their liberation, perhaps working with Finn? There is so much she feels she knows about him, and yet right now Rey feels as if the man beside her is a stranger. She knows his ideals, but not so deeply his policy perspectives. And here she is saying that she is going to leave in a few hours to defend him in an alliance. 

“I must agree, Maro, that I do not think this situation is _ideal_ ,” Kylo says. “However, if we are to move forward with taking down Hux and his followers, it is prudent that we maintain a plan if things go awry. This, for now, is what we have. Besides, Rey will not be _alone_ —”

“What?” Rey’s head shoots up. “Of course I’m going alone.”  
“You’ll be taking Talaa Ren with you.”

Rey sneers. Nowhere in their conversation last night did he mention Talaa Ren coming with her. The deal has always been that she was free to leave. Rey hardly needs a _chaperone._ Not that she doesn’t like Talaa Ren, of course, but if she is to truly accomplish what needs to be done, Rey does not need to worry about another plant on base looking too familiar with her or the inner workings of the First Order. 

“I need to do this alone.”

“You are tied to us now, Rey. Which means if the Resistance figures that out—”

“I am perfectly capable of defending myself against my own _friends.”_

“Of course you are. But you also lack the judgment to know when difficult decisions need to be made.”

“Like what? Like—like _killing them?_ I already told you, Kylo. I’m _done with killing._ That didn’t just include you when I said it.”

“But if someone is threatening your life—”

“Then I’ll do what I have to do! Why do you insist that I cannot handle this?”

“I know you can _handle it_ ,” he says. “But you shouldn't have to do so alone. Not after how they treated you. Someone else should _be there_ —”

“No. I am not bringing any of you there, not when the First Order and Resistance are technically _still at war_.”

“There is no reason Talaa cannot—”

“Talaa is your _Knight._ She answers to _you._ And no offense to Talaa but I don’t exactly trust that she wouldn’t report every Resistance secret back to Mr. Supreme Leader over here.”

Across the table, Jynna Ren shrugs. “She’s got a point. We are sworn to you.”

This makes Kylo scowl. “I’m offering you protection. Take it.”

“I don’t need protection.”

Kylo throws his hands up in exasperation. “Of course you don’t! I get it, you’re _capable._ But capable or not, another layer of protection will let _me_ sleep at night.”

“It is not my job to keep you—”

“If you would just _think_ —”

“I _am_. And you’re trying to keep track of me—”

“It’s not like that. I _care_ about y—”

“Not enough to let _me_ decide—”

“Will you two please _cut it out already?_ ”

Talaa Ren slams her fist on the kitchen table. Rey and Kylo’s bickering stutters to a halt, and all eyes turn to Talaa Ren. 

Her cheeks are flushed bright red and she looks absolutely _miffed._

“It has only been a _week,_ and I can’t sit here for another minute and listen to you two mask your undeniable attraction to eachother with these stupid _arguments_.”

She turns to Rey, her face furious. “You. You think every emotion you have is some sort of crime, and keeping yourself at arms length from him is some sort of penance for feeling things. When in reality, feeling things _is just kriffing human nature._ How the hell are you the nicest person here, but equally consider yourself the least deserving of _anything_. For Force sake, let it go! The man would catch a star and give it to you if you asked him!”

Rey blushes furiously. Talaa turns to Kylo. “And _you_ . All you ever do is _mope._ Rey’s the perfect girl, your soulmate as you see it, but how could you _ever_ deserve someone like _her_ ? So you agonizingly sit by and offer to saw off your left leg for her and expect nothing in return. Frankly, it’s _ridiculous!_ And I know this is strictly against my orders to say, but truly, I say this with your best interest in mind. I’m tired of watching it! _And I’ve only been here a week._ So if we could all just draw the last year and a half of your lives to a neat conclusion and have you two just _admit your feelings for one another,_ then we could all have the pleasure of moving on with our lives and _ending this kriffing war before the end of the century.”_

The room falls silent. Talaa leans back in her chair, satisfied. Kylo opens his mouth as if to offer some sort of retort, but after seeing the humiliation blooming on Rey’s face, thinks better of it. 

“Thank you for your… contribution, Talaa. Now onto the next order of business.”

It takes a while for anyone to think of _anything_ to say that could follow Talaa Ren’s little speech. Rey can’t bear to look over at Kylo or even _touch_ the bond. Mercifully, Jynna Ren eventually jumps back into the conversation. 

“I think… if Rey wants to leave tonight and start working on whittling away at the Resistance, then that’s as good of a plan as any. And you’re due to return to the First Order too, Kylo. All this time here certainly isn’t helping your reputation among the lower ranks.”

“I second this,” Annik Ren says. “Let the girl see what she can do with her side, and if we need to call on them, at least we have some sort of in, right? If not, then we figure this out on our own. But if Hux is threatening you, Master, then we will do everything we can to cut down every person on his side.”

At this point, Rey is barely listening. Her brain winces a little bit at the notion of _cutting down_ people, especially in a situation such as this, but the rest of her mind is still stuck in Talaa Ren’s comments. Is it really possible that Kylo could feel anything for her? They’re _friends,_ or at least that’s what they’re calling it. But even Rey can admit that what she feels for him is not the same as what she feels for Rose or Finn or Poe. It bleeds into a different part of her soul. Which means she… wait, does she have feelings for _him_? 

Those emotions have always felt too dangerous to touch, so Rey has pushed them farther and farther away. But there isn’t much time left to avoid them, and to wonder if maybe Talaa Ren is right. 

Still, she cannot bear to look at him or say anything in the bond. If Kylo wanted to agree with what Talaa said, he would’ve spoken to her by now. He’s probably humiliated to have been accused of wanting someone like _her,_ especially with his Knights watching. 

Sola Ren’s voice breaks through Rey’s thoughts. 

“I still don’t understand why we’re acting like we can trust the Resistance _at all_ . What happens after Hux is dead and the smoke clears? Do you think these people—your _mother,_ in particular—are suddenly going to turn amicable to you? Can you trust that you can maintain the Order’s integrity whilst folding in their demands?”

“Perhaps we have to take this one day at a time,” Jynna says. “We won’t know the answer to any of these questions until Hux is out of the way. Right, Kylo?”

Kylo nods. “Right.”

Jynna continues. “And maybe we will find ourselves all for the better when this is over. I, for one, am tired of being sent in solitary to hellish corners of the galaxy to _settle things_ and _monitor activity_ because of this foolish war. Perhaps we can reach a moderately amicable relationship with the Resistance as the Knights of Ren. We are not Sith, we do not believe that many should die for the pursuit of power. It is the passion of the Dark that motivates us. It is the freedom found in victory that we chase. Is this plan not a path towards this? Any decision to compromise cannot be premeditated anyway. It will have to be made as each moment passes.”

Jynna Ren turns her eyes to Rey, and she sees a fire behind them. “Let us see what Rey can do with the Resistance. Kylo would not bring her to us if he did not have faith in her abilities. And I have faith in her, too. She, like us, is a child of the Force who wants to find the best path for the galaxy to take.”

Nobody can come up with a refutation after this. It is decided that Rey will leave early tonight, and she will make her way back to the Resistance base with a Comm that can connect her to Kylo or one of the Knights in an emergency. Rey wonders if distance will again put a damper on her bond with Kulo or if this mind-communication they’ve developed will continue. Other than that, she will have no contact with any of them. The rest of them will stay here, and begin to put a plan into motion to draw out Hux in his divisive behavior. 

“It will take time,” Kylo says. “For him to show his hand. Once he does, that is when I will look to you, Rey.”

Rey nods. Time is what she needs. The more time she has to convince her friends to stand with Kylo, the better. 

\---

Kylo gives Rey plenty of space for the rest of the day. She doesn’t feel the need to stick around for all of the Knights planning. Besides, Rey, although she is worthy of being at their table, does not feel that she is particularly _needed_ for these conversations about the Order. Her job will be separate, and the Knights know who is best suited to what action much better than she ever could. She has only known Talaa and Jynna for barely a week, and the rest of the Knights for a day. 

Eventually, she finishes packing her few spare belongings into a pack, and retires to the balcony to admire the Naboo sunset colors for one last time.

Rey curls up on the bench with her knees to her chest and a blanket around her shoulders. It is strange, she thinks, that being here has come to feel so normal. Under other circumstances, Rey would long to stay on a planet like this. The lake makes her feel calm, as coming from a dry place water was a resource she was always searching for. Here, she feels truly wealthy to have a lake to stare at and not think of it as a drink. It is just for her beauty and inspection. 

Her mind falls back to the memory of the day she and Kylo went into the water together. She had wanted to go swimming _,_ but now that Rey looks back, she realizes perhaps it was more her anxiety speaking. 

Kylo had told her the lakehouse would always be open to her, and Rey had panicked. He was always _offering_ her things. What had Talaa Ren said today to him?Y _ou agonizingly sit by and offer to saw off your left leg for her and expect nothing in return._ Maybe she had a point.

Kylo _is_ always offering stuff to her—things, places, _him._ His _join me_ comes up in different forms constantly. But for Rey, it’s hard to accept that he could want to give her anything without an ulterior motive. People aren’t just kind for the sake of being kind. They always have some other meaning. 

So she’d panicked, and said she wanted to swim. Which, Rey supposes now, turned out to be a great decision. She had loved the feeling of the water on her skin, and the way Kylo’s dripping shirt looked as it clung to his chest. 

Of course, as most of their escapades go, that one had ended… complicated. Rey supposes everything will always be complicated for them. They aren’t the sort of people who are afforded the life of things working out simply. 

“This doesn’t look much like packing.”

Rey turns around to see Kylo standing in the doorframe of the balcony. 

“I didn’t have much,” she shrugs. “Mostly some Jedi books I can’t read, and a staff. It really didn’t take me long. So I was just… reminiscing.”

“About what?”

She shares the memory of the lake with his mind. Rey has found that this trick has become quite easy between them. Kylo smiles. 

“That was a good moment,” he says. 

Kylo steps out onto the balcony, and Rey feels a knot twist in her stomach. They can’t possibly avoid talking about what happened earlier, especially when she’s _leaving._ It would be best to resolve it now, Rey thinks, and put Talaa’s accusations to rest. It’s hard to coordinate an assault when you’ve got all this tension in the air. 

“Ben—”

“—we should talk about earlier,” Kylo says simultaneously, and Rey begins to flush furiously again. 

“Sorry,” Rey says. “You go. What was it you wanted to say?”

Kylo shakes her head. “Nothing other than that we should talk about what Talaa said. I mean, you are under no obligation to say _anything_ and I know she was just making that stuff up—”

“Right.” Rey looks out at the lake. 

“But partly I wonder… was she wrong?” Kylo asks. Rey freezes. “She shouldn’t have said it, I know. Believe me when I say she was given a talking to for that. But Rey…”

They face each other. Rey swallows nervously. 

“Well, it’s not difficult to suspect that we have complicated feelings for eachother,” Rey says. “I mean, you sleep in my _bed._ We have a _mental bond._ It’s not wild of her to… wonder.”

“Wonder, right. But that doesn’t have to mean anything for us if you don’t want it to. Friends can share a bed, and have the bond. It doesn’t have to be—”

“Is that what you want?” Rey bursts. 

This time it’s Ben’s turn to blush. “What?”

“I said, is that what you _want_? For me and you to be _friends?_ I thought you said you didn’t _do_ friends.”  
“I don’t,” he says. “But like I said, for you I’ll make an exception.”

“What if I don’t want to be the exception?”

“What?”

Rey can’t even believe the words coming out of _her_ mouth.

“I said, what if I don’t want to be the exception?”

He blinks at her. “I don’t understand.”

“I’m _saying_ … '' Rey takes a deep breath. To herself, she thinks, _not once in my entire life have I felt like your friend._ But out loud, she says, “I don’t know.”

Kylo nods. “Right. Alright.” 

“I mean, I know. Or, I think I do. But I can’t—”

_I can’t say it. I can’t make these feelings real, when they will ruin everything we have built between us._

Kylo watches her for a moment, waiting. But Rey does not continue. Eventually, he resigns. 

“Well, I’m going to go grab you some provisions for the flight, and we can talk about the route, if you want, but then…”

“Then I’m leaving,” Rey says weakly. Then she’s going to get on a ship and head to the other side of the galaxy with no set intent to return. Then her chance to make sense of _any_ of this is well and gone. 

Kylo nods. “Then you’re leaving.”

He heads back to the doorframe, pauses briefly, and then leaves. 

Rey sits still for a moment longer, holding back the tears in her eyes. She can’t decide if she’s more frustrated with herself for starting to speak or stopping. But now he knows _something_ is up with her, but not _what_. That’s almost worse than keeping him in the dark. 

The sun dips and Rey grabs her pack and staff. Feelings aside, she has a job to do. 

Rey shuts the door to her bedroom, part of her mind wondering if she will ever be able to return to this place as the woman she is right now. Probably not. 

As Rey walks down the hall, she pauses out front of one door. Rey knocks. 

Talaa Ren answers, and as soon as Rey sees her face she nearly collapses into her friend's arms. 

“Oh, Rey…” Talaa takes the pack from Rey’s shoulder and leads her into the bedroom. Rey perches on the end of Talaa’s bed and sags. 

“Before you say anything,” Talaa says, “I just want to offer one of my very rare—but in this case, extremely warranted—apologies. I shouldn’t have said all of that in front of the Knights. That was… wrong of me. But I stand by the crux of it. You deserve happiness, Rey, and I can see you’re about to leave without granting yourself any.”

Rey nods weakly, accepting Talaa’s apology. It was a poorly placed move, but with good intention. 

“I couldn’t do it, Tal. I—I _tried_ to say something to him, but I just couldn’t.”

“What did you try to say?”

“That… that… maybe you were right.”

Talaa raps an arm tightly around Rey’s shoulders. Rey turns to face her friend and takes a deep breath. If she cannot say this to Kylo, at least she can say it. Maybe then she’ll feel freer. 

“All my life I’ve wanted to meet someone that mattered to me like this. I thought… I thought if it was even possible, that it would happen at the Resistance, or on Coruscant, or some faraway planet. Not… not with _him._ And it’s not that I don’t want it to be him, it just seems so impossible—it still does. I mean, we’re on opposite sides of this war. He is the Dark, I am the Light. How can those pieces possibly fit together? And I started to think, well maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe I’m just making all of this up because it’s easier than accepting that I am alone, and destined to be alone forever. But… I can’t get him out of my head, Talaa. Not since that very first day on Takodana. Because he understands, Talaa. I can’t explain it, but he _gets it_. But there’s so much that needs to be unpacked between us. And what am I doing now? I’m leaving. Maybe never coming back. And I can’t even tell him.”

“It’s scary, I know,” she says, rubbing a hand on Rey’s shoulder. “Believe me when I say I know how terrifying it is to care for another person and not know how to tell them.”

In any other situation, with any more time, Rey would’ve asked Talaa to tell her more. But her time is already dwindling. She has to meet Kylo downstairs. 

“What do I do?” Rey feels, for once in her life, like a child. She’s never felt young, never felt so naive, as she does now. She’s always been an independent survivor, able to figure things out on her own. But this… this she just doesn't understand. 

“You be brave,” Talaa says. “It’s hard, Rey. Maybe the hardest thing you’ll ever do is to tell him. People like us hold those confessions so close to our chests so that we can’t examine them. But you know what you want, that’s clear. So be brave and tell him.”

“What if he doesn’t feel the same?”

Talaa laughs. “Kylo? Rey, I will bet you _every single credit in the galaxy_ that he has feelings for you. I wouldn’t have said something otherwise.”

Is she really going to do this? There will only be one opportunity. She barely has minutes before departure, and Rey isn’t sure if she’s ready. Maybe after the war is over, she can open up and see how he feels. 

“It’s time to go,” Talaa says. “Are you going to be okay?”  
Rey nods. 

She isn’t sure what she is going to do, but she will be okay in the end. 

“Oh!” Talaa brightens. “Wait—”

Talaa pulls open one of her clothing drawers and fishes out a brown canvas bag. She pushes it onto Rey’s lap.. 

“For you, when you’re ready. Which I think you are now.”

Rey gingerly opens the bag and peeks inside. She looks up at her friend. “Are you sure?”

Talaa nods. “Kylo may be my Master, Rey, but you’re my friend. And I believe that when this ends, we will all end up on the right side.”

Rey feels like she could cry. She pulls Talaa into a fierce hug. “Thank you,” she whispers.

“You better go,” Talaa says. “I’ll walk you down to the ship. I bet Jynna and Kylo are already there. They’re so obsessed with being _punctual._ It’s annoying, honestly.”

Rey laughs, then loops her arm through that of her friends. Together, they make their way down past the silent rooms of the other Knights of Ren and down to the ship that has been prepared for her journey. 

\---

Talaa is correct that Jyunna and Kylo are already waiting for her. She drops her bags on the ground and gives Talaa one last hug. 

“ _Be brave,_ ” Talaa whispers. “And don’t be a stranger, Rey. You have serious game.”

Rey sniffles a laugh and then turns to Jynna Ren, who is standing with a cordial straight posture a few feet away. 

Rey practically launches herself at Jynna and pulls her into a fierce hug. 

“Thank you,” she murmurs in her ear. “For everything.”

Jynna Ren releases her from the hug. “You’ll be alright,” she says. “Good luck.”

Rey smiles softly and then turns back towards the ship. At the bottom of the ramp Kylo watches her. 

“Ready?” he asks. “I’ll show you the controls before you take off.”

Rey nods. She turns back to the Knights one last time, gives them a wave, and then grabs her things and follows Kylo up the ramp of the ship. 

The ship is small, and Rey surmises it is the one they took when he brought her here from Jakku. She places her things on the bunk in the back. 

“There’s rations to last well over a month,” Kylo says. “Not that you’ll need them. But I just wanted to make sure…”

“Thank you,” she says. 

Kylo swallows and then nods. “Jynna… she helped me get things she thought you would like. I got some blankets, too. Hyperspace can be really cold, and of course you can keep any of them. I’m not expecting them to be _returned_ or anything like that.”

“Right.”

They then head towards the cockpit together. 

“It’s standard flying, really,” Kylo says. “You’ll be fine getting to Lothal. And then, of course, taking the _Falcon_ back if she still runs. If not, just take this ship wherever you’re going. It’s untrackable. Or strip it for parts if you want, it’s yours if you want it. I just want to make sure everything runs…”

He steps past her and begins to press a few switches. 

_He’s rambling,_ Rey realizes. While Rey’s thoughts are racing, she can’t even bring herself to say more than two words to him. Talking is dangerous when so much lies between them. 

The lights in the ship begin to glow. Yeah, this ship definitely runs much better than the _Falcon._ Still, Rey knows her best chance for a discreet return is to return with the ship she borrowed. So even though this fancy tech would be _nice_ for a long journey, she’s going to have to let it go after she stops on Lothal. 

Kylo turns to her. “You can do any preflight checks, obviously,” he says.

He awkwardly skirts past her again to reach the doorframe of the cockpit. They stare at each other in silence, and Rey begins to think that she can hear _his_ heart beating, too. 

“So this is it,” Kylo says. 

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

Rey bites her lip. Kriff, she thought about leaving, but not much about _going._ Because in a moment, she will be _gone._ And she has no idea when they’ll be together again. 

Talaa Ren said _be brave_. Rey isn’t sure if she can. 

“Rey…”

She looks up at him. “Yes?”

“I… I just…”

She isn’t sure how it exactly begins, all Rey knows is one moment they’re looking at each other—him in the doorframe of the cockpit and her by the captain’s chair—and the next moment they are kissing. 

Kylo dips his mouth to meet hers, and it feels like the universe tilts into alignment for the first time in her entire life. This, _this_ is what it’s supposed to feel like, she realizes. All this time that ache in her chest, it has been longing for this, for _him._ Rey kisses him back, winding her arms around his neck and into the soft curls at the nape of his neck. 

She kisses him like it is the key to unsolving life’s deepest mystery, like it is the final drop of warmth in the cold depth of space. She kisses him like she _needs_ it, which, Rey suppopses, she does. In many moments she has needed to kiss him. She never wants to miss another moment to kiss him ever again. 

But eventually, Rey and Kylo have to _breathe_ , so they both pull away. With her eyes closed, Rey focuses on the sound of his heavy breath.

If that’s what Talaa Ren meant by being brave, Rey supposes she might have to do it more often. Still, her head spins with the base idea that _he kissed her_. No confession, no rejection, nothing. 

He kissed her. 

And she kissed him _back._

A signal on the ship begins to beep. Rey slowly unwinds her arms from his neck. And turns to look at something on the control panel. 

“Sorry,” she bushes. “I should really check—”

“No, no. It’s fine. And… I should go.”

Rey bites her lip. Right, this is it. She is going back to the Resistance for real. Kylo steps forward once more and presses a kiss onto her forehead, just like he has the past few nights. 

“Good luck, Rey.”

“Good luck, Ben.”

He turns away, takes a step out of the cockpit, and turns back. 

“May the Force be with you.”

Her heart leaps in her chest. 

“And also with you.”

Then Kylo leaves for real, and Rey sits down in the captain’s chair. It turns out the buzzing was just for the open ship ramp. 

Right. To Lothal, then. And then the Resistance. 

Her instincts tell her that this isn’t going to go the way she thinks. But Rey hopes that in that case, it means everything is going to turn out okay. 


	35. Return

When an untraceable and nondescript First Order ship enters the atmosphere of Lothal, it does not veer course for the Millennium Falcon parked on the surface. The ship, piloted by the galaxy’s most sought after not-Jedi, adjusts the landing coordinates last minute to set course for a Jedi temple long forgotten. 

The not-Jedi girl sits in the Captain’s chair. She is quite a good flyer for her level of experience. Her hair is fashioned into three little buns running down to the base of her neck which may look odd to some, but make her feel perfectly centered. 

Upon arrival on the surface of Lothal, the not-Jedi girl sets foot onto the stone ground and breathes in the cool air. She has been here before—in a life that connects to this one but is also different in many ways. Last visit, she made this journey for anyone but herself. There is a new master to her jurisdiction now. She charters the familiar path of her own volition. 

Today, she knows, is the time to meet with a destiny that Force users hope for their entire lives. She is here to find her Kyber crystal. 

Rey descends down into the caves of Lothal with only the pack that was given to her by Talaa Ren on Naboo. She is completely certain that this visit will not be nearly as prolonged as the last, and that it will not be interrupted. 

Last time, in this mysterious cave, a miracle of the Force took place. Two Force users—one yielding the Light and the other the Dark—had come to an agreement. They had decided to _help_ each other, though at the time the Light user had no idea that she could be of any use to the other. 

The Master of the Dark—Kylo Ren—had understood his intention with a base level of clarity, though he had much to learn about where this pull to this woman of the light would take him. He still has much to learn, even today. 

Rey had not been ready for Lothal then. People had peeled away at her surface and stripped her of everything human about her. She had become a tool, a person trying to function in a shell of what she once was. Lothal had seemed to be the instant cure, but it was far from such. It had set her on a journey of running away. 

But now Rey is tired of running. She is tired of being peeled away and pushed around and taken for less than she is. Now, she is ready to turn around and face her destiny. She is ready to _chase_ it. 

Kylo does not appear to her while she is on Lothal. Rey wills it. Although he may have been pulled to the location of her crystal in the past, this is _her_ destiny. She does not wish to share this moment with him, as it is hers and hers alone. 

She closes her eyes and lets the Force guide her. Painstakingly, with each step, Rey is pulled in one direction and then another. The jagged and erratic guidance of the Force is nothing new to her here. This time, though, Rey had hoped she could just come and grab her crystal with no problems. Hasn’t she done enough soul searching now? Kylo had told her once that she needed to come here alone. 

She is alone now. Nothing matters to her as much as this. She can feel the crystal is _here,_ and it is _close_ , but she cannot find it. Rey grips tightly onto the Light in her soul. 

_Where are you? I am ready. I know I am ready._

Silence. And then, voices in her head. Memories. 

The cold raid, windy air, and wispy grass of Ahch-To fill her mind. 

“ _You went straight to the Dark,_ ” she hears Luke say. And then Rey in the memory responds. 

_“That place was trying to show me something._ ”

“ _I_ _t offered something you needed. And you didn't even try to stop yourself._ ”

Even now, she cringes. The undertones of Luke’s words, the person who’s opinion truly mattered so deeply to her, hit hard. _Weak._ She was weak then, allowing the Dark to prey on her so easily. 

And then she is with Snoke, right in front of him in the throne room. 

“ _Still that fiery spit of hope. You have the spirit of a true Jedi… and because of that, you must die._ ”

The memory falls away, and moments flash quicker through her mind than she can even envision. Kylo’s voice sounds clear as day, as if he is echoing all around her. 

" _I_ _t’s all arbitrary. The Force takes no sides._ ”

“ _You’re not a killer. You won’t use the Dark side of the Force. But you’ll fight those men, and you’ll turn Starkiller to ashes and destroy those guards on Supremacy without a second thought. What are you, Kira? Are you a Jedi purist or not?_ ”

“ _I’ve met many people in the galaxy, Kira, and none of them have captured my attention quite like you_.”

Rey shivers. No lines… not distinctions… just her, and him, and everyone else. People and things and places that make up their understanding of life. Still, she grips tighter to the light, to find her crystal. But then, another voice. Jynna Ren. 

“ _All these lines and distinctions in the Force—remember that someone drew them, and somebody else could easily erase them_.”

Rey stutters to a halt. 

She knows, right in this moment, what needs to be done if she is going to succeed. All this time, she’s been trying to find who she is and what she wants. But it will never be possible, not really, if she cannot find the strength within herself to let go. 

She has to have it, she has no other choice. 

Since meeting Luke, there has been a damper on her power. It is one put there voluntarily. Holding herself back from the Dark is as natural as breathing these days, she is _always_ fighting it subconsciously.

She focuses on those core ideals of the light: peace, serenity, goodness. But there are _other_ things, too. Strength and passion and _freedom._ Rey reaches for that dampner in her mind, closes around it, and just 

_lets go._

\---

When the Falcon touches back down on the Resistance base, Rey feels like she is going to be sick. It is the dead of night, only those on night watch are outside to see the ship touchdown. 

She grabs her newly made lightsaber—which would’ve been impossible without the gift of parts from Talaa Ren—and makes her way down the lowered ramp of the ship. Her senses pull her to command, so Rey makes her way right back into base. 

The moment she steps into the hangar, a voice calls to her left. “Hey! You have to check in with—”

Rey turns her head, and the voice stutters to a halt. It’s Kaydel Connix, and her face has gone sheet white. She rushes over.

“ _Rey?_ ” Kaydel pokes her face, as if to make sure Rey is real. 

“Either I’m… really kriffing exhausted and having hallucinations, or you are standing in front of me alive.”

Rey tries to keep a calmness about her. She has a _job_ to do, and a story to maintain. She can’t go getting all weepy at the first person she sees. 

“It’s good to see you, Kaydel.”

“But you—we thought you were—”

Rey’s slightly amused. Kaydel is the most firmly expressive out of all the younger Resistance members. She’s seldom seen the woman reduced to stuttering. Maybe she’s just never been this surprised before. 

“I’m alright,” Rey says. “It’s… a long story. Lots of Force stuff, but I’m okay.”

 _Better than okay,_ she thinks to herself. 

“Listen, Kaydel, is my room still empty? I wanted to drop my stuff before I went—”

Kaydel seems to remember her typically high level of decorum, and straightens her posture. 

“Yes. I’ll walk with you. The General will be wanting to see you immediately.”

Rey nods, and follows as Kaydel leads her down the maze of hallways back to her old room. They pass very few recruits on the way. Most are asleep, Rey assumes. She’s not sure _exactly_ what time it is, but it seems pretty late. Still, if the Resistance is anything like it was when she left, the news of her arrival will be spread to even the cooks by the time she wakes up the next morning.

“I was worried you might’ve changed bases by now,” Rey says. “I’d have no way to reach you.”

“We haven’t had any attacks from the Order since you’ve been gone,” Kaydel says. “So there's been no need. And I think… well, Finn has been Comming the Falcon constantly since you left. Probably hoping you’d answer…”

Rey ignores the question in Kaydel’s statement, but the insinuation sinks deeply in her gut. Finn is probably worried _sick_ right now. She’s tried not to think too much about the way her departure would look to her friends, btu at least she knows that if Finn has been Comming her that he still _cares_. Rey feels awful. She doesn’t deserve a friend like that. 

“The systems were bugging out,” Rey says. “You know how that ship can be. I couldn't contact anyone.”

“Right,” Kaydel says, but she doesn’t sound convinced. For an instant, Rey thinks of using a bit of the Force to _convince_ Kaydel. She quickly chastises herself for even considering it. These are her _friends._ She should _earn_ their trust. 

Rey hardly takes any time to stop in her room, dropping off the Jedi texts and her clothes and staff but keeping her saber strapped to her hip. Kaydel reaches to press a few buttons on her Comm but Rey stops her. 

“Wait! Is Command meeting right now?”

“Yes. I was actually running an errand for them. I should let them know that you—”

“No. Let me go. Do whatever you need to do,” Rey says. 

Kaydel frowns. “Are you sure? I can let them know we’re coming.”

Rey shakes her head. “It’s alright. No use in sending them into a spin before I even get there, right? I’ll walk myself over.” She musters up a smile to Kaydel, one filled with a little bit of nervousness. 

Kaydel seems to sense that Rey might want some time to think before her arrival, and nods.

“Alright. But head right over, okay?”

“I promise.”

As soon as Kaydel takes off, Rey follows through on her word and heads over to Command with her saber and the Comm for the Knights hidden in her boot. She doesn’t dare leave it—or anything that could connect her to Kylo—in her room alone. She doesn’t exactly trust that they won’t go picking through her stuff.

Eventually, Rey makes it back to the space in the hall right outside of Command. She stops, recalling the conversation between Finn and Poe right here that had caused her to run. 

_“If she’s not here to kill Kylo Ren, then why is she here?”_ Poe had asked. 

At the time, the question had terrified her. She had no answer. But now, Rey knows she is here because she wants to end this war. She is here because she wants a fairer galaxy for everyone. Jedi or not, she is here on that principle. 

Rey pushes the doors to Command open. 

The room is alight with buzzing conversation when she enters. At first, nobody looks her way, that is until Rey makes eye contact with the person standing at the head of the table. 

Finn. 

He’s leading a conversation about a mission or something similar. _Her_ Finn, the first real friend she made on Jakku. And look at him now. A hero. 

“No,” Finn shakes his head. “This is not… you’re not—”

All of the heads in the room turn, and there is a collective gasp. Rey stands rooted in the doorway. At first she doesn’t know what to _do._ Because she had talked about going back but it never seemed like she would actually make it to this moment. 

Luckily, she doesn't have to decide, because Rose Tico _launches_ herself in Rey’s direction and nearly knocks her over—which shouldn’t even be possible, considering how tiny Rose is—but Rey has learned never to underestimate the woman. 

Rose hugs Rey fiercely, and Rey again can feel the tears coming to her eyes. But she will not cry. Not here. Not yet. 

“What the _hell_ happened?” Rose asks, pulling back. 

“I would like to know the same,” a voice says. Rey looks over Rose’s shoulder to see Leia Organa watching her from one of the seats. Besides Leia is Poe, and his countenance isn’t exactly friendly looking. 

“Lothal,” Rey says. “I felt a… disturbance in the Force. It was urgent. But—now I have this.”

She gestures for Rose to step back, and then Rey ignites her single bladed lightsaber. It releases and extends to full height in a glistening yellow. 

“I didn’t know they could be yellow,” Finn says. He turns to Leia. “They can be yellow?”

“Hell if I know,” Leia shrugs. “Nobody deigned it important to tell me those sorts of things.”

It is yellow because of Rey’s connection to the Force. Yellow for harmony within her. Yellow for the lines she has abolished in her mind, allowing both the best of the Light and the Dark to coexist within herself. 

The room seems in awe of the saber for a moment, but after a while, Poe speaks up. 

“So you went to Lothal… to get a lightsaber… for _two months_? And never bothered to contact us?”

“I couldn’t,” Rey says, extinguishing her saber. “The Falcon, it was having issues. And I wasn’t _just_ building a lightsaber on Lothal. There were other things—Force things.”

“Like what?”

She shrugs. “Balance. Discovery. Understanding.”

“Anything that might help us win the war?”

 _If you’ll let it_ , she thinks. But now is not the time to begin this conversation. She has to build their trust back first. 

“Maybe,” she says. “I don’t know.”

Poe sets his jaw. Rey wonders, suddenly, if he’s going to say something confrontational. He stands from his chair, crosses the room, and steps in front of her. 

“Well, I’m glad you’re safe,” Poe says, and he hugs her too. Rey practically sags with relief. There are many more questions to be answered, and Rey sticks to her story to the best of her ability, all the while trying to gather information about what the Resistance has been doing for the past two months. 

Everyone—even Poe—is _very_ excited about her new lightsaber. Luckily, nobody brings up using it to cut down Kylo Ren tonight. Rey supposes maybe she is going to be afforded a night off of being their ‘Secret Weapon’ to be actually treated like a person. 

Finn updates her on the plans they’ve been running through. It seems Rey’s insistence on not attacking has really stuck, because the Resistance has been focusing on covert and invasive methods of getting to the First Order. 

“We tested hacking into the HoloNet feeds accessible by Troopers and beginning to feed them information about their situations. To let them know there is a way out, you know.”

“All of them?”

“No, just the feeds of one unit. We wanted to take a sample of how many of them might—you know, leave.”

Rey’s heart breaks. She knows exactly what happened to those who could not get out. 

“We got a lot of them,” Rose says. “And most wanted to stay and help, too, which is great. We’re going to try again soon, on a larger scale. I think this could give us the edge we need, making people realize they don’t need to keep fighting for him.”

 _Him_ , to them, is Kylo Ren. And they’re not wrong, Rey supposes, but she also knows that Hux is the one who really controls the Troopers.

As much as she wants to be able to have many Troopers on tehri side, she is more so just relieved that something is being done. These people deserve a choice in how they want to live their lives.

When she yawns about a half hour into the meeting, Leia seems to take it as a cue to end things. “Let’s let the girl get some rest. We were just wrapping up when she arrived, anyway.”

Nobody seems quite eager to go to bed, but Leia is Leia, so they all follow her orders.

“Stay behind with me for a moment if you can manage, Rey,” Leia says, as the room empties. Rey receives squeezes on the shoulder and a kiss on the cheek from Poe before everyone departs. 

Leia lends forward at the table and surveys her. 

“I knew you weren’t dead,” she says. “Just as I know Luke is dead, and my son is alive. I know when people strong in the Force pass on.”

Rey nods. “I’m sorry I couldn’t contact you. And I should’ve told you I was leaving. It’s just that you said no, and I needed to do this for—”

Leia smirks. “Which one of these jackasses pushed you over the edge?” she asks. 

Rey nearly chokes. “Sorry?”  
“Was it Dameron? Finn’s too nice, I suppose. I bet Dameron said something to you, didn’t he.”

Rey bites her lip. How does this woman know _everything?_ It should be impossible. 

“He said I… well he was angry I hadn’t gone out to try and kill Kylo Ren.”

Leia doesn’t say anything, and Rey isn’t sure if it’s in defense of Poe or the life of her son. She honestly doesn’t want to know. With her position, both are complicated to support. 

“It’s just… I am more than the Force. I didn’t stick around because I thought killing off the figurehead of the Order was all I had to offer. And Leia… your son, he—”

Rey stops herself. 

“I agree, Rey, that you are more than that. I will not excuse what Poe said about you, not at all. You deserve to be here just as anyone else who wishes to join the cause is deserving. But he, as you are also, is under a great amount of duress to end this war with the least amount of casualties as possible. Many think killing Kylo Ren is the best way to do so.”

“It’s not,” Rey says. “What about Hux? He controls the Troopers. Kylo is just… well, he’s just Snoke’s former apprentice. The Order answers to him, but if we’re looking to kill a system, I think we’re looking at the wrong person.”

Well, Rey wasn’t planning on saying _that_ to anyone for quite some while. Maybe she’s not so good at this slow convincing as she thought she could be. Leia could call them all back, call her a _traitor_ —

“I agree,” Leia says. 

“What?”

“I agree. My son is not the key to this war, and neither are you. It’s about all of us, collectively, on both sides making choices.”

This makes Rey feel a twinge of anger. “Then why… why did you let them all treat me like I’m the only person with the power to do something?”

“Because people look to you.”

“I don’t want to lead,” Rey says. It seems no matter where she goes, she is having this conversation. “I don’t want to be the voice of people, I don’t want to have to make all of the big divisions and have people _depending_ on me.”

“That is precisely what makes you a good leader. Those who want power never use it effectively.”

Rey leans back in her seat. “I can’t fix all of this on my own, Leia. You said it yourself, it takes people. More people than sit in this Command room, more people than we have on this _base._ It takes the other side, too.”

Leia smiles weakly. “For spending two months alone on Lothal, you seem to have really earned a sharper perspective.”

Rey blushes. “I just had a lot of time to… think, among other things.”

“I’m sure you did,” Leia says. The vision of Rey and Kylo kissing on the ship flashes through Rey’s mind… one of the _other things_ she supposes she got around to… doing. Kriff. She doesn’t want to think about this in front of his _mother._

“Get some rest,” Leia says. “We’ve got a lot of work to do. And I imagine you’ve got some stories to share, when you’re ready.” 

Rey stands from her seat, and thanks the General. 

“I know I left,” Rey says. “But I never walked away from this war. Not for real. I want you to know that.”

Leia nods. “Sometimes, we need the space to discover what matters most. That is when we find the answers to the most unsolvable puzzles.”

Rey feels captivated by the General’s wisdom. She nods at the sage advice. 

“And,” Leia says, “The people here never shut the hell up. I don’t blame you for wanting to get out for a while, dangerous as it might’ve been.”

Rey laughs. “Thank you for not… arresting me or something. I really am sorry I didn't tell you before I left. Really, I had no idea it was going to happen.”

The General looks to her with knowing eyes. “Goodnight, Rey.”

\---

She returns back to her room, enters the Fresher, and then curls up in bed. Rey is amazed with the new recruits that this room was not turned over to somebody else. Perhaps they were all holding out hope that she would return. 

This, of course, only makes the weight of guilt press harder against her chest. 

_Ben?_

She tugs at the bond in the Force. 

_Ben? I made it back._

It takes a while for him to respond. Rey partially hopes he will appear to her, so that she can show him her lightsaber. Of course, she could share the image with him, but she wants to _show_ him. 

_Are you okay?_

Well, she isn’t in a cell underneath the base. And she only seemed to raise mild suspicion with her return. Of course, as the days move forward, things are going to only get more complicated. 

_I’m okay,_ she says. Rey sighs, her head sinking deeper into the pillow. _I… miss you._

_I knew you would._

She rolls her eyes. _Shut up._

_I miss you too, Rey. I wish you didn’t have to go._

Her heart flutters in her chest. Rey works very hard to _not_ think of that kiss, because discussing it with him seems like positively the most embarrassing thing to happen in the history of the galaxy. Instead, she asks a question. 

_How are the plans going?_

_I’m back with the Order. Let’s hope Hux doesn’t poison my morning Caf._

This is not as funny to her as it is to him. 

_Seriously, Ben, please be careful._

_I will._

Rey has no idea how long things will last like this. Tonight has left her hopeful that she will be able to convince the Resistance to help her. However, even if she gets Leia on her side, that does not ensure total support. As Rey knows, she is going to need time. To convince her other friends, her comments cannot flow out quickly. She needs to be slow, personal, and deliberate. 

She wishes she could pull him away, and they could run somewhere green. Of course, even then, it wouldn’t be right. Because she could never walk away for long and he has real work to do to make the right choices. So they will have to wait this one out, Rey supposes, no matter how long that might take. 

_I’ll see you soon,_ she says. _I mean_ — _I want to see you soon so we can…_

_Talk?_

_Yes, talk. I like talking to you._

She swears he is smirking, though there is no evidence to back this, seeing as he is just a voice in her head right now. 

_That’s my second favorite activity with you,_ he says. 

Rey doesn’t respond, instead burying her face into her pillow with embarrassment. She senses Kylo has gone from her mind now, and she does not make the effort to pull him back to her tonight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year!! ok, so this is the end of ~part two~ as I have it mapped out. as you might've guessed, the logistical implications of Rey assimilating back into the Resistance will not be as simple as they may seem from first reunion. and lena will be back too (remember her? lol). thanks for sticking around! oh, I decided on a yellow lightsaber for Rey because I think it's pretty and one of the things I like that was done for her character. kind of forging her own path, you know? anyway, here's to a safe and healthy 2021. hopefully a better year than 2020, right?


	36. Trust

**One standard month later**

Resistance Base

* * *

“It feels like you’re _cheating_ ,” Lena complains, exasperated. “I mean, they never trained us with those magical sticks in the Order. How am I supposed to _fight_ one?”

Rey laughs. “I’ve barely got any training with a saber, either. And that in your hand, Lena, is a _regular stick_ , not a lightsaber.”

_Magical stick._ Ridiculous. 

Lena twirls the wooden rod in her palm. Of course, there are no practice sabers available on Resistance base, so Rey has to resort to more creative methods to keep up her skills. Some days, she trains with her staff. But mostly the lightsaber. She uses the real thing, too, but not when sparring. 

“Can we call it even? I want breakfast.”

Rey wants to keep going, but the appeal of food is overwhelming. 

“Fine,” she says. “But only because you very well know that I was about to win and did not want to go through the motions of defeat.”

Lena’s stick clatters to the ground and she launches herself towards the doors of the training room. 

“I have no doubt,” she calls, sailing out the doors and towards the cafeteria. Shaking her head with a laugh, Rey watches her friend go. With so many things having gone wrong since her return, Lena is one of the few things that has gone right. The former spy seems to have no suspicions about Rey’s two month departure, claiming it is _none of her business._ Rey wishes the others would take this viewpoint—especially Poe—but she understands why they can’t. This is, after all, war. And she disappeared. For a whole two months. 

Her plot of warming people up to Kylo has had varying levels of success. For one, Finn seems most amicable to the idea, mostly because it coincides with his efforts. The news of a First Order civil war has finally reached their base, and many are watching curiously to see how to respond to the claim that Kylo Ren and General Hux are now, supposedly, enemies. 

Poe thinks it is great, of course. His logic is that the two sides will just _tear eachother apart_ , and _only leave them the cleanup._ This of course does not sit well with Finn and Rey, who insist there are Troopers on both sides who do _not_ deserve to be forced to participate in this kind of warfare against their own will. 

The more Rey discusses the conflict with Finn, the more she sees how this could work with him. 

“It’s Hux we need, right? I mean, he controls the Troopers. We could free them if he was out of the picture.”

“Absolutely,” Finn says. “And maybe Ren will do that for us.”

_Maybe._ That would be the most ideal situation. Rey does not particularly _want_ to intervene with her friends. It would be much smoother for Kylo and the Knights to settle this from their own devices, and then she could… well, she could stay here. 

Or she could leave. Rey doesn’t really know what she would do. 

Lost in thought, she almost trips over the stick Lena dropped on the ground. Rey picks it up and stacks it back on the wall before walking down to breakfast. It is in the hallway where she bumps into Rose.  
Rey missed Rose, _really_ missed her. Because she can make all the new friends in the world, but each relationship you build with a person is really quite special in it’s own way, so there is nothing quite like the friendship she has with Rose. 

“You,” Rose says, “Look exhausted.”

Rey and Kylo had connected face-to-face through the bond last night, and had spent the entire time before the connection faded sharing serious intel on the state of the First Order’s affairs. So yes, she _is_ exhausted. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” Rey says. 

“Up late thinking about anyone special?” Rose looks at her sweetly. _This_ has been Rose’s thing since Rey returned. She is convinced that Rey met someone and is hopelessly in love. 

_You have a glow about you,_ Rose says. Rey does not have a _glow_ . And she is not in _love._

Rey knows very little about love—as she supposes anyone who has never experienced it would be. She would say she loves her friends, but not in the manner of _love_ that Rose is implying. That love is big, boundless. It takes up more space than the entire galaxy. Rey is sure she has never felt a feeling quite large enough to be love. 

She is—well, she and Ben kissed that one night before she left Naboo. And they haven’t directly spoken about it since, or kissed again. Not that they haven’t been… close. She talks to him all of the time, still, but it isn’t intimate like _that_ . Their face to face connections are brief and sacred, so they mostly spend time talking about the war. Of course she could Comm, get more direct contact with him or the Knights, but she doesn’t. Rey doesn’t know what to do now. She doesn’t know what to _say_ . Did he like kissing her as much as she liked kissing him? Talaa Ren had said to _be brave_ , but Rey hadn’t had any time to inquire about what happens in the _after_ of that impulsive bravery. Now she and Ben just… are. Meaning, that emotional intimacy between them that comes from the bond continues to exist, but they do not have the space or the bandwidth to nurture it. No more sleepy nights on Naboo. 

“No,” Rey says to Rose. “Nobody special, unless you count the crushing weight of fear and responsibility as a person.”

“Geez,” Rose grimaces. “You are _pleasant_ in the morning, aren’t you?”

Rey shakes her head. “Sorry. It’s just—” She tries to think of something to say—something _other_ than her thoughts about Ben and the information that she cannot share with Rose. 

“Poe. Things have been so rocky between us since I got back.”

This—a total truth—seems to placate Rose. 

“It will pass, Rey. It was hard for him with you gone, everything isn't going to shift so easy now that you’re back.”

“I’ve been back a month.”

“And you were gone _two_ —on some crazy planet with no means of communication, apparently.”

Rose raises an eyebrow, inquisitive with the silent question that Rey feels like everyone is always trying to ask her lately. _Are you telling the truth?_ Of course she isn’t. But what is Rey going to _say_ ? She was on Lothal _at first_ , but then Centares, and Coruscant, and briefly a First Order ship, Jakku, and finally Naboo. Oh, by the way, _Kylo Ren_ was there for half of it. 

So Rey can’t be honest. She continues the lie for everyone’s benefit. 

“I was really focused on the Force,” Rey says. 

“Right.”

“I swear, lots of Force related things going on.”

_Like sharing memories and a bed with Kylo Ren,_ a voice in her mind says. Rey tells that voice to _shut up._ She wasn’t doing anything wrong. All that had just… happened. Circumstance. Can’t people get into strange circumstances? That’s just life. 

“Well,” Rose says, “I hope one day this Force-related thing joins the Resistance so I can judge him for myself.”

Rey sighs, exacerbated. Must they _always_ repeat this conversation? 

“Rose. I did not go to Lothal and meet some Force-sensitive space boyfriend. If I did, you’d be the _first person_ I would tell.”

At this, Rose brightens. “You would?”

“Of course. Finn would, like, have a bad attitude about it.”

Rose rolls her eyes. “Finn’s not the person I would ever go to about a relationship. After we kissed on Crait, he told me—”

Rey covers her ears. She does _not_ want to hear, again, about the tribulations of romances of _anyone._ She’s had about enough of it to last a lifetime. 

They reach the cafeteria. Lena is already there, her plate full. Rose and Rey enter the line together and Rey stacks her plate high before returning to the table. The food resources of the Resistance have increased, along with the recruits. For a _dead_ Resistance, they actually seem to be doing quite okay at sustaining. 

Lena looks up when they sit down and notices a piece of fruit on Rey’s plate. 

“Are you gonna eat that?”

Rey looks down at the fruit. “Yes.”

“Shame. I’m still hungry.”

Finn and Poe slide into seats across from each other. Finn bumps Rey’s shoulder playfully and then leans into the table. 

“You _won’t believe_ what we just heard from a former Trooper. She told us that—”

“Finn.” Poe looks at him harshly. “Classified information, remember?”

“But it’s just—”

_Rey._ Rose and Lena are fine, but Poe doesn’t want _Rey_ finding out, because he does not trust her still. Rose seems to pick up on this, too, because she snaps at Poe. 

“You are being _ridiculous_.”

“The General’s rule, not mine.”

“The General also ruled one plate of food per meal, but I don’t see you chastising Lena for _clearly_ being on her second plate.”

“That’s different. We have more resources now—”

“And everyone at this table _is trustworthy._ Unless you would like to say differently?”

Poe narrows his eyes at Rose. The conversation, Rey senses, is not over between them.

“Fine,” he relents. “Finn, go ahead.”

“Well,” Finn begins, “Apparently she was on a ship on Hux’s side when the whole Order split, and he’s _building something_. Sometime big—”

“Another Starkiller?”

“Not _that_ big, but we need to keep a closer eye now. Even just _knowing_ this is a big deal. That way we can stop it from affecting anyone else…”

Rey wonders if Kylo knows about this project. He hasn't mentioned it to her, which tells her that he probably does not. 

“Do you know anything else?” Rey asks. “Coordinates? Are there Troopers living on it? Where is it going to be used?”

Finn shrugs. “We’re working on that stuff. But don’t worry, there won’t… I mean, it won’t happen again.”

The _it_ of Finn’s sentence hangs tensley between them all. 

_Starkiller._

Rey has, in most situations, leveled to take a position of neutrality in the proceedings of the Resistance. Upon her return, she decided to officially join the cause, that way she would be more regularly included in information. Now, she regularly attends Command meetings. 

Just as she tries to hold her tongue and gather information, there are some things she cannot let go. A week after her arrival, there was a suggestion to effectively blast those massive First Order ships out of the sky without warning (if the firepower could be developed). Someone, and Rey does not know who, because she was having some sort of internal battle at this point, said _blow that shit up like Starkiller._

After that, she had snapped at them all, saying they should _not_ be making their main goal to kill as many people as possible. When Starkiller had blown, she hadn’t understood the gravity of the situation. But Rey knows now that people deserve a chance to walk away, and if they are truly creating a better galaxy they have to offer them that chance. 

This, of course, had caused a lot of contention. She’s not sure if her position as ‘ _The Jedi_ ’ helped or hurt her stance. Everyone knows jedi are supposed to be peaceful, but they’re also supposed to fight battles when need be. Perhaps her stance seemed a bit to pacifist for some. 

But Rey found allies on her side in Command, particularly in Finn and Doctor Kalonia. However, the _blow that shit up_ narrative continued for a few days, and eventually Rey drew her moral line in the sand. 

“If that’s our best plan, I am not offering my assistance.”

Finn had agreed to this as well, and their pact stunned everyone in the room. This created more controversy, but in the end it was decided that they _should_ try to evacuate people if they're trying to destroy machinery. People deserve a fair trial, or a chance to have a new life. 

Ever since then, people have been fast to reassure Rey that they are _not_ planning to recreate the events of Starkiller. 

“I’m going to work on those recovered X-wings today,” Rey announces, changing the subject. She turns to Rose. “You’re leading that today, right?”

Rose nods. “I’m giving you a tough one,” she says. “Some of these young mechanics can’t tell any of those old wires apart.”

Rey grins. “I like a challenge.”

Kylo had tried to convince her that she was worth more than fixing ships and droids. But truth be told, Rey _likes_ to fix things. She could see herself as a mechanic. It doesn’t demean her worth to do the smaller tasks. She is now, officially, part of this Resistance team, and she will help the group succeed in whatever way she can. 

\---

With her elbows deep in oil and grease, Rey dips into that space between her and Kylo’s minds. 

_I’ve got something to tell you,_ she says. 

It is a few minutes before he responds, and in the duration of that time, Rey continues to work dutifully on the X-wing. There is just one notch that she can’t reach—

_I’m listening._

Rey extends her arm higher, higher, with the plug. If she was taller like him, this wouldn’t even be a problem. She could just plug this in and be on her merry way. But of course, that’s not the case. 

_What are you doing? It feels like you’re straining._

Rey pulls her arm harder and _there,_ the plug snaps into the notch. She relaxes flat on her back. 

_I’m fixing things,_ she says. 

_They still have their Jedi rewiring ships? I thought you said recruitment had boosted._

_It has,_ Rey replies smoothly. _But I just happened to be capable, and the top mechanics like me._

_Interesting. What was it you wanted to tell me?_

Oh, right. She supposes there is no reason to keep this information from him. Perhaps he could even enlighten her on the situation. 

_Are you aware that Hux is… building something?_

_A weapon something?_

_Yes. What else would I even mean?_ _  
__I don’t know, maybe he’s building a vacation home on Naboo. Which would be a problem. The planet clearly isn’t big enough for the two of us._

She snorts. The mechanic to her left looks over strangely. 

“Sorry,” Rey says. “Dust got into my nose.”

The woman shrugs and then returns to her work. 

_I meant a weapon,_ she says. 

_Then yes, I am aware._

Rey frowns. If he knew, why wouldn’t he _tell_ her? Most of their conversations are swapping intel, and this is _pretty big_ intel, in her opinion. 

_Assuming we are talking about the same project,_ Kylo begins, _he's been working on that for a while._

_How long?_

_Since he was answering to me._

She doesn’t want to know if whatever this weapon is was made by _his_ request, but Rey knows she has to ask. 

_Was he building it for you?_

A pause. 

_No. It was a… concession._

_Concession?_

_You know the work we’re doing on Jakku?_

Rey freezes. She prays that this weapon is not because of Jakku. _Please._

_Well, it’s not the only planet we’re helping to revitalize. If I was spending on that, Hux was spending on… other things._

Rey lets out a sigh. So at least it wasn’t specifically Jakku that motivated this, but she can’t help but feel sick about the fact that Kylo was continuing to allow things like this while he knew her. 

She spent a lot of time alone on Naboo while he was working. Rey had never wanted to subject herself to thinking what he could be _working_ on, or who he was working with. It was easier that way. But perhaps that was a missed opportunity, to not pay more attention. She had been immaturely spellbound by the pretty lake and the soft bed and _him._ Now, with a month between her and that planet, it feels like a flowery memory of a life she had once lived. The mattress back at base isn’t nearly as soft, nor is there someone cutting up fruit just for _her_ in the kitchen. Every small moment there had felt as close to peaceful as Rey thinks she has ever been. It is much preferable to the constant state of worry that satureates her now. At any moment she could be found out or a First Order ship could blow their base to smithereens. It’s not exactly a breezy day at the lake. 

_I'm sorry,_ Kylo says. _I thought he wouldn’t have the funding to finish it after the split. Those master weapons, while seemingly efficient in silencing opposition, do not set the precedent of order that I strive to maintain. And I thought it was just scrap by now. But if you know about it, that must mean…_

That he’s still working on it. That the job is being completed. 

Suddenly, she feels somebody tapping on her foot to signal her. Rey pulls out from underneath the ship she's working on and nearly rams right into Poe’s kneecaps. 

“Oh! Sorry.”

“Thank the Force, it's you. The first foot I tapped belonged to a not-so-friendly middle aged woman.”

Poe lends her a hand. 

_Are you okay?_ Kylo echoes in her mind. 

Rey doesn’t reply to him, focusing fully on Poe’s face. It feels… wrong to talk to Kylo behind Poe’s back. She leaves that space between her and Kylo’s minds and immerses her consciousness in the present. 

“What’s up?”

“I need your help with something,” Poe says. “A mission. Off-world, if you’re up for it.”

Rey is surprised. She thought that after her last… _extended departure_ that they would not ever want her going off-world again. But maybe, with another person, it is considered okay.

“Aren’t I, like, the galaxy’s most wanted?”

Poe shrugs. “We all are, at this point. Hux especially has been blasting our faces all over the HoloNet. Finn was telling me about it and all that techy stuff. I don’t understand it.”

“Right. Me either, honestly.” She may know a lot about ships and droids, but the HoloNet is a mystery to her. 

He offers her one of his old classic grins. “I at least hope my mugshot got my good side.”

Poe has been so _cold_ with her these past few weeks that this shift, especially from breakfast just a few hours ago, honestly feels unnerving. But she needs to trust him if they’re going to end this war together. 

“So, are you in?”

She considers this. “I don’t see why not.”

“Good. Rose is coming along, too.”

“What about Finn and Lena? Or Kaydel?” 

“The General says we can’t all go at once. Besides, our two lead-Traitors are having some ex-First Order weird therapy session tonight with the recruits. And Kaydel is too busy saving our asses in some other capacity right now.”

“I’d guess we're not invited to the therapy session,” Rey says. 

“No, I don’t think we are,” Poe replies. 

Rose appears at her side an instant later. “You’re coming?” she asks. 

“I am, though I haven’t exactly been told where we’re going.”

Rose and Poe exchange a glance. “We… aren’t exactly sure, either,” Rose says. “We were kind of hoping you could help us with that. With your… abilities.”

Oh. Funny, Rey thinks. Nobody has really asked her much to use the Force lately. She suspects Leia has given them some sort of talking to about her treatment around here, and since then the Jedi-savior narrative has _slightly_ lowered. Mostly, her friends have stopped asking her to solve problems with the Force.

“I can try,” she says. “Though I can’t promise anything.”

Poe and Rose seem excited at the prospect.

“Pack a bag,” Poe says. “We leave after dinner.” 

He turns on his heel and walks away. Rose departs in the opposite direction, but Rey grabs her. 

“Rose.”

“Yes?”

“Was that not… _weird_ to you?”

Rose creases her brows. “What? Poe?”

“Yeah,” Rey looks down. “I mean, this morning he didn’t want me knowing classified info even though I work in Command all the time. And now he’s inviting me on a _mission_?”

“Maybe he just trusts you,” Rose says. 

Rey scoffs. “He’s been suspicious of me since the _minute_ I got back. There’s no way he’s willing to just turn around and go on a mission like this unless someone convinced him to—”

Rey stops short and looks up at her friend. 

“ _Rose_.”

Her friend shrugs sheepishly. “What?”

“Please tell me you did not say something to Poe about me.”

“I did not say something to Poe about you.”

Rey sags with relief. 

“But I did say something to him about your relationship.”

“ _That’s the same thing!”_

“No it isn’t!” Rose straightens her shoulders. “Look, Rey, the last thing any of us needs is a huge divide forming at this point. And you don’t need to be laying up at night agonizing about somebody who is on your side! Unless, of course, you weren’t thinking about Poe…”

Rey groans. “Rose. _I am not living in a secret romance._ And now Poe is going to be watching my every move…”

“I’ll be there too,” Rose says. “It’s a good chance to reconcile. Besides, we really do need your help.”

Rey bites back her anxiety. Maybe this _will_ help. She can prove to Poe that she’s devoted to the cause, and then there won’t be any worry at one looking too closely at her last period of time away.

“Alright,” Rey relents. “But next time, if you’re going to try to fix my problems, please clue me in first.”

“Sorry,” Rose grumbles. “It’s just… I hate it being like this, you know? You and Poe are both good people. So what you went to Lothal for two months! You’re a _Jedi_ , we can’t pretend to know everything you need to do.”

Rey softens, the guilt of Rose’s trust in her sinking in deeply. If the galaxy is ever to need a new leader, Rey thinks, it should be somebody like Rose Tico; somebody who ties up loose ends and keeps everything going smoothly. 

Late in the afternoon and covered even more with grease and debris, Rey makes her way back to her room to pack a bag. As soon as she closes the door behind her, the bond flips open and Kylo is standing right in front of her. He steps forward, scanning her body with his eyes. 

“What—”

Kylo sighs. 

“You’re okay,” he says. 

“Of course I’m _okay_.” Rey crosses the room to grab her empty pack. She stuffs in an extra pair of clothes, just in case. 

“Well, you cut off abruptly earlier. I was worried…” 

“I was talking to Poe,” Rey says. She hopes that Poe and Rose have secured some rations for this trip, because Rey hasn’t kept any food in her room recently. And—wait—should she bring the Jedi texts? It seems cumbersome, but she never leaves them behind. Yes, Rey stuffs them in her bag. She’ll need her saber, too. And maybe her staff for good measure—

“So… how are you then?” Kylo asks.

“I haven’t got anything new,” Rey says. “Info has been slow travelling in lately, but I’ll try to meet with Finn after this mission and—”

“I meant how are _you_. Like, as in how is Rey.”

“Oh,” Rey stumbles in surprise. They never use this time to talk about much outside of the conflict. It seems… wasteful? No, not wasteful. Just not important enough. 

“I’m fine,” Rey says. “How… are you?”

Kriff. Does she not know how to _talk_ to him anymore? Talking is the main thing they _do._

“I’m well,” Kylo replies. “As well as can be. But I miss you.”

Rey’s face warms with mild embarrassment. “I—I miss you too, Ben. How are the others?”

“They're all pulling lots of strings, trying to run things. I think Talaa and Jynna miss you quite a lot more than they're willing to admit to me.”

She smiles. “We never talk anymore like this,” Rey says. “About ourselves. It’s always the war—which is important. But I feel like I haven’t said anything real to you since I left.”

Kylo looks at her strangely. “Is there anything you’ve been wanting to say?”

Perhaps she should ask him if he sleeps worse alone, too. Or if he constantly flashes back to these little moments they had together that are totally stupid. Or maybe she should bring up the kiss—ask him how he feels about it, what they should do moving forward. But of course, Rey chooses to do none of those things. This would bring their brittle comfort to a breaking point. How could they work together if she wanted to kiss him again, but he didn’t want to kiss her? It’s agonizing to not know, but even worse would be finding out that it didn’t matter to him. 

Rey mostly wonders why _he_ hasn’t said anything. If his feelings were as strong for her as Talaa Ren had implied, there is no way a month would have slipped by without a mention of the kiss. They’d have discussed it many times over, perhaps _repeated_ it. Instead, they just stand here staring at eachother like two people who know a lot about what they want but not much about how to express it. 

_Rose is definitely wrong,_ Rey thinks to herself. _This can’t be love. It would be so much simpler._

“I’m going off-world tonight,” Rey says. “I’m not sure of the details yet, but Poe is leading a mission with me and Rose.”

“I thought Dameron was the most distrustful one.”

“He is.”

“Then why—”

“It’s because of Rose. She… meddles.”

“Sounds like Talaa.”

Rey agrees. “Yeah, I think the two of them could get up to some real mischief together.”

“Then we must keep them apart at all costs,” Kylo says. “I do not think the galaxy would be able to handle so many outsiders invested in our personal affairs in the same room.”

Despite her nervousness, Rey laughs. “There are so many people in our business who don’t even _know_ they’re in our business. Just imagine if they did.”

“I’d never get another second alone with you.”

Kylo steps forward, and Rey’s heart begins to race wildly. They’re not going to—

“I’d hardly invite them to spend the night with us,” Rey says. Then, she decides to test the waters gently. “That would still just be me and you, if you wanted it to be.”

“I’d like that,” Kylo says. “When this is all over. I’d like to have… you and me… we could…”

She never hears what he’s about to say, because the bond chooses that moment to flicker out. 

_Ben?_ She calls out to him. 

Maybe there is a lifetime out there where she never left, Rey thinks. There's a version of reality, where the moment he kisses her, she decides to stay. Rey wishes she could hold onto the bliss of that reality. Everything would be so much more smooth and clear then. But even in those circumstances, she would not have gotten her friends back. She also wouldn’t have been able to stop this war, and who knows if Kylo would’ve even wanted her there. Maybe he only kissed her _because_ she was leaving. Maybe he gives her these hopes because he knows she will never truly come back. 

Kylo’s voice echoes back through the bond, softly. 

_See you soon, Rey. Good luck with your mission._


	37. Mission

At this point in her life, Rey has still not seen much of the galaxy. Even the limited travelling she has done—Takodana, Ahch-To, Lothal, Coruscant, among a brief smattering of other planets—has not succeeded in making her feel as if she has seen much of the galaxy. Jakku is a very predictable sort of place, wherein the people who leave are always leaving, and the rest of the inhabitants are deemed to a life of permanence on their own planet. Rey, of course, had fallen into the second category for a long time. And she is, in her now more vitalized state, an anomaly of figures from the planet to which she considers to be home. 

And so she longs to travel, and it is quite impossible for her to resist any chance to spirit out into the galaxy—albeit under hasty circumstances. Today she does not fly, as Poe Dameron is much more the skilled pilot and Rose first volunteered to be his second. 

Their journey, in the most realistic terms, is one of complete simplicity. They are to locate a floating First Order base that is said to be the central transponder hub of First Order closed communication transmissions, plant a technological  _ bug  _ into the system that Rose has created, and slip off the station unnoticed. This is thought to be a mission of great prevalence, seeing as their success would mean the ability to tap into the Comms of First Order officials. 

Information of the existence of this base came from one of Finn’s liberated soldiers. They had been stationed on this tiny base for years, and insist the staff is very miniscule as the station is designed to look nondescript. They gave general coordinates for where the station may be located now, but it cannot be officially tracked. This is, of course, where a Jedi becomes useful. Rey, in her skillfulness, tries to search into the Force for any sort of answer to where this station may be, and finds that tracking a nonliving thing through space is perhaps not currently within her bandwidth. So, she finds it most prudent to dip into the mind of her conspirator, who happens to be very knowledgeable about all things related to the runnings and technology of said First Order.

He is, at first, unconvinced of a need for her success on this mission. After all, her achieving the goal of this mission could perhaps result in  _ his  _ communications being compromised. His knowing this would of course be counterintuitive to the Resistance, but Rey has her hopes set on another goal. While there has been a distinct split in the First Order, their technology has not been cleaved apart. The droids, the HoloNet, and the Comms lay in the center of the battle. Each side draws farther away ideologically, but centrally they are tied by their shared systems. By bugging this transmission ship, Rey hopes that she will succeed in grabbing information from General Hux. 

Eventually, Kylo subsides and provides her with projections for the tiny station’s location. It is with this success in her heart that Rey reenters the cockpit of the Millenium Falcon and is able to survey her friends. 

They each, in their own appearances, emulate a countenance that is most hopeful. Poe sits with his eyes wide, swallowing the stars as they pass all around him. To his right, Rose, too, seems to be awestruck by the space around them. 

Rey looks out the front window of the ship at the inky blackness and twinkling stars. It is a blessing, she thinks, that is often forgotten by one who spends much time on planets, that they are capable of reaching the stars. 

Without ships and flight and space, she would never have left Jakku. She would not have Finn, and Rose, and Poe, and Leia. She would not have Ben. They would all be stretched hopelessly thin across all this great space, with absolutely no hope of connection drawing them together. 

And so flight, Rey surmises, is the greatest gift bestowed to her in this lifetime—besides the Force, of course, but that is a much more metaphysical thing. 

“I think I’ve got something,” she says. Rose and Poe swivel in their seats eagerly to face her. Rey punches in coordinates, and Poe scans them. 

“This is going to take a while,” he says. “We’ll have to jump to hyperspace once we reach the next lane.” 

He looks up at Rey, a hesitant devotion of trust coming across his face. “Get some sleep, Rey,” he says. “Rose and I can handle this. Once we’re in hyperspace, we’ll talk more about the game plan.”

Rey nods errantly, her eyes still wistfully tracing the expanse of space. It just seems so  _ limitless. _

Jakku had been harsh, and her time with the Resistance had built her character. Then, she went to Coruscant, and it had helped her find her own identity. Naboo, well that had been some sort of bliss. All of those times, Rey had settled in a place. But now, looking out at the stars, she wonders if it is ever possible for her to build a place as home and want to be there forever. 

There are so many  _ stars  _ out here, so many  _ places _ . She couldn’t possibly resist the chance to chase after them all. Of course, she would run alone. Most people, Rey has come to realize, want to settle eventually. Their lives are not about chasing, but about finding something and making it central to their existence. Maybe they fall in love with a place, or a job, or a person. Nevertheless, that  _ thing  _ is at the center of their orbit, and they spend the rest of their lives catering to it. But Rey does not want to stop moving for anything, she does not want to feel like she ties herself to one place for the rest of her life. That is, once this war is over; it is the final chord that tethers her to the ground—an iron chain of responsibility that cannot be broken until the galaxy is truly free. 

Once, she had told Kylo that she wanted to go somewhere green. That, Rey thinks, is where she would begin. It is where all of this newness started, anyway, in those forests of Takodana. Her affliction for green planets comes predominantly from the fact that they are the antithesis of Jakku, but also, if she is being honest, from the association of beginnings she has with them. It was her first true encounter with the Resistance, and the day that Han Solo offered her a different future (even if she turned him down). Takodana was the first time it felt like things were spiraling out of control in a way she would not easily be able to maintain. It was there where she became a piece of a much larger puzzle, and it was there where she first met Kylo Ren. 

So Rey wants to travel to green places to feel that sense of beginning again, to feel fresh and rejuvenated to start an adventure that will never end. 

“Rey? Hello?”

She snaps back to her current reality. “Right. Sleep. Sorry.”

Rose laughs. “Okay, you  _ definitely  _ need a nap. Come on, I’ll walk you back to the bunks.”

Rey very well knows that she does not need an escort around the kriffing  _ Millennium Falcon,  _ but still, she obliges. Mostly because it’s Rose asking, and why would she say no?

As soon as they are in the hall, Rose grabs Rey’s face in her hands, squishing her cheeks between her palms. 

“What are you—”

“Good, you’re not sick.”

Rey gently removes her friends hands from her face. “Why would I be sick?”

“Because you stood there like a slab of stone for two minutes before responding to Poe, and it was  _ strange _ .”

“I was just thinking.”

“Well, think less, then. That was creepy.”

Rose and Rey head to the bunks, and Rose helps Rey set up to sleep. 

“I’ll come get you when we’re ready to talk,” Rose says. “And… really, try to get some sleep. Get back in your head. The last thing we need is Poe thinking there is anything…  _ off  _ with you, you know?”

Rey nods. As much as she may think Rose is perhaps being a little bit overdramatic, she does not want to start a confrontation with Poe. Rose pauses at the doorway to the bunks and turns back to Rey. 

“Thank you, by the way, for figuring out where we need to go. I don’t know how you do it.”

Rey shrugs sheepishly. “The Force is mysterious,” she says. “Sometimes, it can be helpful.”

It is a lie,  _ all  _ of it is alie. And someday somebody in the Resistance is going to ask her to track a kriffing ship and she won’t have any idea how to help without Kylo’s assistance. He surely does not know the placement of every ship in the galaxy. But for now, she has done her job. And that’s what matters. 

\---

Hours later, the precarious trio sits in the main hold to discuss preparations. 

They are expecting a pretty small crew of technicians and Troopers on the base—if all those who last defected have been replaced, not much larger. How those defective Troopers managed to get off the tiny station, Rey has no idea. Rose explains the small button sized tech and where she needs to implant it, and how Rey is going to effectively help sneak them into the center of the ship. Rey can, luckily,  _ actually  _ help with this. She is capable of sensing close life forms; she will also have her lightsaber, if need be. 

Rey holds herself very present at this meeting, cautious of the watchful eye. If Poe Dameron is presenting her a test to prove her allegiance, she is going to pass it. This operation will go off without a hitch. She will earn his confidence, and in the same vein his trust, so that when the time comes, siding with Rey will seem less and less outlandish. She has had a month to try and erode the suspicions surrounding Poe at all times, but those efforts have been less than fruitful. Today, however, Rey could melt any lasting suspicions entirely. 

“The most important thing,” Poe says, “Is that we get this bug active. This mission is risky—that’s why Leia sent us. But she has faith” 

He turns to Rose. “You designed this tech, and I know you can implement it. And Rey—”

He gives his gaze to her, and Rey tries to control any anxiety within. “You… you are the best we have in a fight like this. Leia and Rose believe in you, and… I do, too.”

Rey nods firmly. “And you’ll get us out safely, Poe. Everybody knows you’re one hell of a pilot.”

This, at least, seems to assuage Poe to her favor even the smallest amount. 

“Right,” Poe says. “Now, it’ll be not long now. We have the spare uniforms. Get changed. Be ready.”

The stolen First Order uniform provided does not fit Rey quite right when she tries it on in the bunk. Of course, it is not tailored to her measurements, so this makes sense. Still, she wishes she didn’t have to roll the slack pants up at the ankles. Rey can only imagine how long the pants are on Rose. 

While she is lost in thought, the bond flips open, and Kylo materializes before her. The world melts into a new shape—and Rey is yet again back on one of his smaller private ships. She wonders, curiously, where he could possibly be going. 

“There was no need to dress the part,” Kylo says. “I’m the only one that’s on the ship. Left the crew on  _ Supremacy. _ ”

Rey smiles. He knows of her mission, of course, seeing as  _ he  _ gave  _ her  _ the coordinates. 

“Last time I was on a ship like  _ Supremacy,  _ I was dressed much differently than this.”

Kylo’s gaze darkens, and Rey flusters that perhaps that was the wrong thing to say. Of course she recalls every single little detail of that night where they danced, and it is a memory that vexed her for some time.  _ Why  _ had she come to him? Now, of course, she knows the answer. She just couldn’t stay away. But it is all possible that Kylo rebuffs these emotions from her, Rey thinks. She has no interest in entering the agonizing turmoil of  _ does he  _ or  _ doesn’t he  _ right now, and tries to push the thought away. 

“I liked that dress,” he says. “Very much.”

A memory flashes in her head— _ his  _ memory, this time. They are dancing and his hand is placed lightly on her back. Rey can feel his pulse racing in the memory as he stares at her eyes behind the mask.  _ Everyone  _ is looking their way, surely. For Kylo Ren to dance is most peculiar. 

“That night on Centares, before we were attacked, there was something I wanted to tell you. But I couldn’t—I was afraid.” 

Rey hears Kylo say.  _ Right _ . She remembers this conversation. 

Rey watches herself frown in the memory. “ Afraid ? Of what.”

“Of you.” Kylo in the memory looks down at his feet, and he feels heat rush to his face. “Ridiculous, I know. You’re just… you . But that’s the thing, and I—”

The music which had enchanted a spell over the room draws to a close, and Rey watches as she untagles herself from their partnership and politely steps away.

“Thank you, Supreme Leader. If you’ll excuse me, I must get back to Mr. Thanas.”

Rey turns and disappears back into the crowd. She watches herself go from Kylo’s perspective, and sees how his eyes trail over the exposed part of her backless dress. 

_ He never finished,  _ Rey realizes.  _ I never found out what he was going to say.  _

She is pulled back to the present, face to face with the man from the memory. Every inch of her wonders why he would show her this… why he would edge the conversation in  _ this  _ direction but not fully approach the topic. It haunts Rey, really, to nott know what he wants. She wishes he would just be honest about his indifference so then she could move on from it. 

“Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever get a night like that again,” Rey says. “I mean, when this is all over, who knows how things will look? The Resistance isn’t the type to host  _ galas.” _

“Whoever said the Resistance would be in charge?”

She narrows her eyes at him. This roundabout avoidance of political perspective is extremely delicate, she thinks. It can only last for so long that they will be able to keep convincing themselves that they are on the same side. Both share a perspective of governance—order over chaos, life over death. This is what separates them from Hux. But beyond this, what brings them together? What keeps her waiting to hear his voice again?

“You never finished your thought last time,” Rey finds herself saying. “We have this habit of cutting off the most riveting details of our sentences. It’s tragic, truly.”

Kylo offers her a relaxed sort of smile, one she would like to fantasize is reserved only for her. 

“My apologies for that abrupt departure. Even with those  _ fascinating  _ Jedi texts of yours, I have not figured out a way to control this aspect of the bond.”

It would be strange, Rey thinks, to control this. It would be completely disjoint. The beauty of the connections, she supposes, is the ephemeral nature. The way they come and go with a fleeting snap, existing only to provide each other with solace to the fact that the opposite is, in fact, a real person. 

She forgets the mission, forgets that Rose and Poe could enter the room at any moment and effectively find her talking to a metal wall. Rey forgets it all, in favor of just seeing  _ him _ , if for a moment. Today, like last time, is not a meeting of business. She can tell. 

“You were about to tell me what was going to happen when this would be all over. What do you plan to do?”

“Oh.” Kylo’s eyes drift to his feet. “Well, I suppose I will never walk away from this, not in any official capacity. I do not intend to be Supreme Leader anymore.”

“No?” Rey asks, curious. 

“No. But I do still intend to  _ lead _ , at least as long as I am able. The galaxy needs a firm and guiding hand.”

“What will you be?”  
“Emperor.”

Rey blanches.

“ _ Emperor _ ? That’s a loaded title, given history.”

“Exactly. People know what level of respect to give an Emperor. They know how much  _ control  _ the Emperor wields. Besides, if I am Emperor that means you…” 

He trails off. Rey frowns. Did they  _ not  _ just discuss how they are always leaving out the most important pieces. 

“I will what?” She pushes him.  _ Tell me where you see me,  _ she wants to say. But Rey is afraid to say it. 

Kylo swallows. “You will be pardoned,” he says. “No more bounty.”

He could’ve done that a  _ long  _ time ago as Supreme Leader, Rey thinks. A new fancy title doesn’t change that. 

“There's just one problem,” Rey says. “The Resistance will never want you as Emperor. And they will want a fair government, too. Not you making all the choices.”

Kylo, for all his passion on the subject, offers a rather smooth  _ we shall see  _ in response. This is, at the moment, all that either of them can say on the matter. He is not quick to snuff out her Resistance ideals when they very well may  _ need  _ the Resistance to stop Hux from wiping out half the galaxy in his rampage. But that does not mean Kylo is willing to form an idiotic senate just to get a few x-wings in the air.

Someday, Rey knows, they are going to have to contend with these differences. They are barreling towards this time at un unpredictable and unstable speed. She needs to catch her breath and collect her thoughts before they reach this convergence. 

“What do you suppose I will do?” Rey asks thoughtfully. 

“I’ve known you long enough to know that I will have  _ no  _ hand in deciding that.”

She smiles to herself. “Absolutely right.” 

Rey looks up at him, suddenly inclined to share a token of her own future desire. 

“I think that—”

“Rey?” a voice calls from outside the room. Poe. Rey reflexively winces at the sound of her own name. “Are you alright in there?”

All of the blood drains from Rey’s face. She can’t see the door Poe is behind, seeing as she’s still on Kylo’s ship in her mind, but his voice echoes enough from a distance for her to know there is a wall between them in the physical word. Kylo raises an inquisitive eyebrow at the split second where panic crosses over Rey’s face. 

“Yes, fine.”

There is a pause.  _ Oh, no. He’s going to come in here.  _

“Well, we’re dropping out of Hyperspace soon, so… be ready, okay?”

“Okay!” She calls, perhaps a bit too eagerly. 

A moment later, the sound of Poe’s footsteps clanging against the metal floors allows Rey to relax. 

_ I thought you said you were fine,  _ Kylo says in her head. 

_ I am.  _

_ You almost jumped out of your shoes at the sound of his voice. That’s not normal.  _

She scowls. What would  _ he  _ know about normal, anyway? Rey is not afraid of Poe, she is just needing to be cautious to make sure that all of this smooths over properly. 

_ I’m on a mission. On edge.  _

_ Right. The transmission base. I was thinking of stopping by, actually…  _

She shoots daggers at him with her eyes. 

_ Don’t you dare show up, Ben. I need this to go smoothly.  _

_ But I’m not far away at all, and I won’t ruin the mission at all. In fact _ —

_ No.  _

_ You’re hacking my systems. The least you can do is stay to chat.  _

_ I hardly think Rose and Poe will be up for conversation.  _

_ Not them,  _ he says.  _ Just you.  _

She hasn’t seen him in days, weeks. But it is irrationally risky to even  _ consider  _ seeing him. Besides, they would meet up to… what, exactly? She isn’t sure. 

Rey looks up into his brown eyes—dark and s searching, just as she has always remembered them to be. He blinks, and then disappears entirely, the bond taking him away.

\---

They touch down on the edge of the long and flat First Order station as inconspicuous as possible. Meaning, Rey speaks into the communicator to a Trooper on base and preys that her persuasive powers will translate to the microphone. Luckily, they seem to, and they touch down without problem. 

Poe is to guard the ship, and make sure that it is possible for them to get away at any moment. They each wear tiny communicators in their ears just in case the need of a quick escape arises. All Rey needs to do is tap the device in her ear, and then Poe and Rose will be able to hear her. Rey clips her saber to her belt, but also attaches a blaster. That weaponry—perhaps more inconspicuous—seems more appropriate for this manner of mission. Rose carries a bpaster as well, and insists to Rey that she is well trained in yielding one. 

They approach the first door to the base calmly walking side by side, and slip in behind two Troopers. 

“We’re in,” Rey mutters, and Poe cheers on the other end. 

“Now get out alive, and this will all be a success,” he says.  _ If the Force wills it,  _ Rey thinks. 

The base is a pentagon-shaped single level structure of five layers, with the main control room that they need to hit at the center. The plan is for Rey and Rose to inconspicuously make their way through all five layers of the base  _ without  _ detection, and then for Rey to use the Force to render anyone in the central room unconscious so Rose can work. Of course, nothing ever goes to plan, so they are both well equipped to fight. 

The outermost of the five layers—or  _ shells _ , as Rose has called them, seeing as they are five sets of walls and hallways to make it to the center control room—is mostly empty. Finding the nearest door, Rey uses the Force to unlock it and make it to the second layer. This second shell sees a bit more activity, and Rey and Rose stick side by side with their eyes facing forward. The lightsaber on her hip feels like a kriffing beacon.  _ I’m a most wanted criminal! Find me.  _

This base—luckily—is still under Kylo’s jurisdiction. Rey hopes that this means in the event of a possible capture, she and Rose would be able to sort it all out and slip away. Of course, that would involve a probable explanation of truth from Rey, an idea to which she is still wary. 

A mix of officers and Troopers make up the base. Rey, herself, is reminded of the reason why she so ardently insists on not repeating Starkiller. These people—while on the other side of this war—are conditioned, controlled. Their lives have been completely controlled and orchestrated to put them in this position. They are, in a way, weapons like her. More commidified than humanized in the eyes of many. Rey knows to allow them the choice to walk away is to continue the deepest vow she has had since leaving Jakku: to look out for the little people.

They enter the third shell, where there appear to be desks and offices. An officer stops them almost immediately. 

“Identification.”

“We’re here for inspection,” Rose says smoothly. “You approved our landing. Just arrived from  _ Supremacy.” _

The officer has a strained face and weary face. He raises an eyebrow. “ _Supremacy,_ you say?”  
“Yes.”

“So you have arrived with the Supreme Leader, then?”

Rey feels like she is going to be sick.  _ Why  _ did he come? Rose, to her credit, does not miss a beat. 

“Yes.”

The man glances down at the tablet on his desk, then back up at the two of them. 

“Very well,” he says. “But I will still need to see some identification, as it is required to pass the next entrypoint.”

Rey has had enough of this. “You do not need to see her identification,” she says sternly. There, those words feel right. The officer appears a bit dazed for a moment, then gets up from his desk. 

“Yes, of course. I don’t need to see her identification.”

“We are to be let into the transmission center,” Rey says. 

The man frowns. “But the Supreme—”

“ _ We are to be let into the transmission center, _ ” Rey repreats. 

The man obliges, and Rey feels sickly guilty. It never feels right doing that to another person, no matter the circumstances. 

After they have passed into the fourth shell, Rose visibly relaxes. 

“Are you two okay?” Poe says into their ears. 

“All good,” Rose says, then she looks up at Rey gratefully. Rey can only weakly smile in reply, at best. 

They only have one more shell to pass through before getting to the transmission center. And, just as things seem to be going smoothly, a Trooper knocks into Rey from behind. 

“You’re out of ordinance,” the Trooper says. Indeed, Rey looks around to see that only masked Troopers are around in the shell. 

“Where are you reporting from?”  
“ _Supremacy_ ,” Rose says. 

“That’s not possible.”

“Check your records.”

Rey shoots her friend a sharp look.  _ Rose _ —

“Alright, you know what? You’re coming with me.” The Trooper lunges forward, but Rey wedges herself between them. 

“She’s fine, don’t worry about it.” But Rey doesn’t put the Force behind her words. Rather, she  _ forgets  _ to—in a bitter moment of panic. 

The Trooper grabs Rey and pushes her to the side again, lunging for Rose.

“ _ Stop _ . What are you—”

Rose rips out of the Troopers grip, pulling towards Rey and reaching for her hand. Nearly immediately, her grip slips. Rey goes to reach for her blaster, but not before feeling something pressed into her palm. 

_The bug._ Rose has given her the tech for the mission. But Rey can’t—  
Rose looks calmly at Rey and nods, as if to say _I’ll be fine._

“Do I need to detain you too?” The Trooper asks Rey. 

Rey shakes her head. “No, sorry. Wrong door.” She exits back into the third shell, without Rose. Immediately, Rey taps her ear then whispers into her comm. 

“Poe, they’ve got Rose. But I have the tech, so—”

“Finish it.” Poe says. 

“What? No, I’m coming back out. We need a plan to rescue Rose—”

“We will figure that out after we’ve bugged this place, Rey.”

Rey stands silent for a moment. The officer she lied to is walking across the room back towards her, a peculiar look of suspicion on his face. 

She should look for Rose. Her friends are the  _ priority,  _ not some stupid technology that might clue them in to First Order communications. But, the Trooper  _ did say _ that Rose was being detained,  _ not  _ killed. She supposes that buys her some sort of time.

“Think about the mission, Rey,” Poe says to her. Rey couldn’t give a shit about the mission right now. But, Rose did say she needed to earn Poe’s trust. Rey realizes this is probably the way she will achieve that. 

“I’m going in,” she says, and then taps her Comm silent. Rey turns back to the door, and enters the fourth shell.

This time, a few Troopers look her way, but she pays them no glance, and begins to walk towards the next door. Just one more layer, and she is there. One more layer, and she can plant this stupid bug and do the important things. 

The fifth shell is a much smaller layer, just a round hallway that surrounds the transmissions center. Two Troopers guard the door.

“You’re unauthorized,” the first one says, pulling his blaster. Rey pulls hers, too. Aiming it directly at the both of them. 

“I have business,” she says. “Leave this base, and forget you saw me.”

The second Trooper raises his blaster. Kriff, why isn’t persuasion  _ working _ all of the sudden? Maybe she isn’t putting enough gusto into her words. 

One of the Troopers shoots, and Rey ducks. The blaster shot hits the wall. Scowling, she stands back at full height and lays off two shots directly over top of both of their heads. 

“Next time, I won’t miss,” she says. Of course, she has no desire to do any more killing, but they don’t need to know that. 

The second trooper shoots again, and this time Rey holsters her blaster and ignites her lightsaber.  _ This  _ gets their attention. She rushes forward, and both of the Troopers abandon their post. She turns back to them. 

“Open this door for me.”

“You’re not authorized—”

“ _ Open it.  _ And… stay out here, until I return. Don’t let anyone else in.”

The threat of her lightsaber, and the realization that she is perhaps someone they do  _ not  _ want to mess with, seems to incline the Troopers to follow her orders. 

The quicker she can get in and out of here, the better. Then, she can find Rose. First, plant the bug. Then, find Rose. Simple. 

With the door open, Rey turns back to the Troopers. “You will stay on post and not let anyone in this room,” she says, channeling all of her energy behind it. The Troopers parrott her phrase. 

“And you will forget you have seen me.”

“I will forget I have seen you,” they echo. 

Rey steeps through the door, into the transmissions center, and looks around. The door closes behind her, casing her inside. There is a large control desk and stacks of technology that even  _ she  _ doesn’t understand. This is not like a ship, or a droid. It is something else entirely. How is she going to figure out where Rose wants her to place this stupid bug, anyway?

Rey reaches for her ear, but the instant before she can tap her comm, she freezes. The sound of breathing catches in her ears.  _ She is not alone.  _ Rey turns, lightsaber still ignited, and is met with the unmasked face of Kylo Ren. She scowls, then extinguishes her lightsaber. 

“What the  _ hell  _ are you doing here?”

“I came to see you.”

She looks around the room. No, there don’t seem to be any cameras in here. She suspected not, but still, it feels unnerving to be here with him—in this entirely non-neutral space.

“It’s been a month,” Kylo says. “And I was close by. I’m sorry for wanting to cross paths with you.”

She rolls her eyes. “I didn’t mean it like  _ that.  _ I’m just—I’m on a mission. Imagine if Rose had come in here to find you! What would you have done?”

He shrugs. 

“And now—” Rey panics. “And now she’s been  _ detained _ . Whatever the hell that means. And I have to find a way to get her out and gert her back to Poe, all the while keeping them away from  _ you _ and putting this  _ stupid  _ bug on this machine. Force knows where it even  _ goes.” _

Kylo studies her curiously. “Can I see it?”

“What?”

“The bug. Maybe I can help.”

She snorts. “We both know you don’t help the Resistance.”

“No. But you help me, and I help you. That’s different.”

Right. She hands it over to him.

Kylo studies the tech curiously, then heads over to the command board. He ducks underneath it, rips open a panel, and begins to study the wires. 

Rey crouches down beside him, craning her head.

“Wait—what are you doing?”

“Putting the bug where it won’t be detected.”

“Yes, but  _ where? _ ”

“Come see.”

She relents, lying down beside him to look up at the panel. Kylo points behind a mess of wires to an inconspicuous spot where he has placed the bug. 

“See? They won’t find that.”

Rey cannot disagree. It is—in fact—a good spot.

“Is this board connected to communication systems?”

“It monitors everything sent throughout the Order, so, yes.” 

He slides out from underneath the desk and offers Rey a hand. 

“How do you know so much about this?”

“Don’t you know a lot about Resistance tech?”

“Yes, but I’m a  _ mechanic _ .”

“I’m allowed to have interests, just like you.” Kylo says. 

She bristles at the condescending tone. 

“You shouldn’t have come,” Rey reminds him,walking back towards the door. Now that this is done, she can go find Rose and—

Kylo grabs hold of her wrist. 

“I could not forgive myself for missing the opportunity to see you,” he says. “You know I wish you could have stayed, Rey.”

Rey winces before turning back to face him. 

“Look, Ben. You don’t have to keep up this charade for me, okay?”

His face scrunches into a look of confusion, and Rey grows more exasperated. She does not, at the present moment, have time to waste for his  _ games.  _

“I don’t understand.”

“I mean, don’t come flying here just to have a conversation. Not after how things left. I can’t—It’s just too difficult.”

“Rey—”

“—I don't want to keep waiting for something that’s never going to happen,” she says. “You coming here, it’s the last thing I need. I can’t keep dealing with the  _ mess  _ that my mind has become in the last month, on top of everything else.”

Kylo watches her indecisively, and she wonders if he will rebuke her statement or affirm it. It’s just—she’s tired. Tired of wondering what he feels, tired of tearing apart a single moment in their history to see if it is in any way monumental. If he loved her, he would say something. But he does not speak on the subject.

Instead, he stays silent and only speaks of the war and business when they meet through the bond. Then, he flies across the galaxy to  _ surprise  _ her on a mission. Well, Rey doesn’t want to play this game anymore. She wants her head clear and his allegiance solidified—the business allegiance. Ending this war is paramount. 

“The detainment center is outside of this structure,” Kylo says, his face flattened to mask any discernible emotion. “I can get you out there, but I cannot get you in to save your friend. That should—however—be incredibly simple, seeing as I know for a fact that this base is very understaffed right now.”

He says that last part pointendly, and Rey pays no mind to it. If Finn has convinced Troopers here to leave of free will, good on him. She will not argue this point. 

Kylo turns towards the door, then looks back at her. “I’d clip that saber back, if I were you. The last thing you’re looking for is notoriety, right?”

“Ben—”

He looks at her  _ coldly _ . And Rey tries not to feel affronted, seeing as  _ he  _ has been the one messing with  _ her.  _ If he had not kissed her and then pretended like it didn’t happen, there would be no need for issues like this. But still, it pierces her, to be under the object of his scrutiny. Rey has long since fallen away from being someone he abhors. On Naboo they had been counterparts,  _ friends,  _ as Kylo had said. 

“If you have anything left to say,” Kylo says, “Now is the time. It is best to keep the nature of our familiarity discreet once we re enter the base.”

Rey swallows nervously. Of course he is right about this. 

She had meant by telling him not to be here to remove the wedge that had formed between them. They could go back to being friends, and the question of love would wash away as ridiculously as it had appeared. But looking at him now, she cannot help but feel as if her words have drawn the jagged shard of miscommunication deeper in. 

“Are you still going to—I mean, the Resistance…”  
Kylo’s face is unreadable, but he squares his shoulders with disdainful movement. 

“I will not betray you, Rey. I have no intentions of doing so.”

She nods. “Good.”

It feels as if something has shifted between them—something worrisome and fundamental. For all Rey’s frustration, this is worrying. She wonders if she has made a mistake in telling him to stay away. It was, in fact, for both of their own goods. He need not pander to feelings he does not have, and she is tired of analyzing his every known move. But while Rey has felt puzzled by Kylo’s silence on their relationship for the past month, it has never felt like this. She looks up at him once, briefly, and discovers the person looking back at her seems entirely distant. 

They march back out into the base together: her intending to appear as nondescript as possible, and him, drawing the attention of everyone to which he passes by. 


	38. Wrench

When Rose, Rey, and Poe return to base, there is a whole bout of cheers in store for them. Word of the mission spread quickly, and everyone is thrilled to hear of their success. All of it—from Roses’ capture, Rey implementing the bug all by herself, and then Rey’s solo saving of Rose from the detainment center—is the biggest story of the day. Particularly, people are quite impressed with Rose’s quick thinking to pass Rey the bug, and Rey’s skill to put it in. 

Rey herself feels a bit more sour than she should be after success. Her conversation with Kylo has left her hollow, feeling like perhaps she has made the worst mistake possible. Even rescuing Rose from the hold of the Troopers felt like a hollow victory. She had been escorted out of the compound by Kylo, who upon their exit front the final door swiftly turned and walked away without saying goodbye. Rey had easily infiltrated the detention center with use of the Force and retrieved a stubborn Rose Tico from her holding cell. 

Upon their return, Rose had asked Rey if she had run into Kylo Ren on the station. Rey had lied. 

“It’s crazy that he was there and we didn’t see him,” Rose says. “Part of me was worried he was waiting for us in the transmission room or something.”

She and Rose should switch places, Rey thinks. Her friend is much more intuitive. Rey never saw Kylo’s appearance coming. And her conversation with Kylo had been seemingly catastrophic, seeing as he has been absolutely silent through the bond since they met face to face. 

Rey begins to worry that she has misread him, but this only infuriates her  _ more _ , because, really, how is she supposed to know  _ anything  _ when he doesn’t say a word about anything but the war to her? In some ways, being clear cut adversaries was easier. At least then, she knew what he wanted. Now desire is all muddied and she can’t sort through what is truth and what is speculation. She tries not to focus on it too much. There are many more important things going on than the nature of her relationship with Kylo Ren. 

Rey’s most zealous celebrator is none other than Poe Dameron, who tells everyone who will listen about the trio’s escape and his own top notch flying. They did get fired at a bit while escaping the station, and Poe did some tricky navigating to get them home safely. He also seems to be more trusting of Rey now since she fulfilled the mission with apparent perfection. Rose dives into the tech immediately and begins to navigate through First Order transmissions. It will take a while for her to isolate what signals are important, seeing as people in the First Order are communicating all of the time. Kylo Ren’s Comm, for example, looks the same as a random Trooper in this tech. But Rose will isolate the key connections. She shuts herself up in Command not long after their return, and Rey suspects she will not see much of the woman until the problem has been solved.

Rey and Finn take off on a tiny mission of their own within the Resistance base that day. Everything is not on pause entirely, but there is a sort of feeling like people are holding their breath now that the First Order communications have been compromised. Of course keeping their mission confidential would’ve been  _ smart,  _ seeing as a spy could be hiding in the ranks, but unfortunately discretion is not the top skill of a man named Poe Dameron. With his boasting about the tech, people are starting to think that a real attack is coming, and they are ancy to know when. 

Taking advantage of the slow work-day, Rey and Finn take it upon themselves to solve a great problem that has plagued them since long before Rey’s departure. 

In the hangar, there are many grooves and notches on the far back wall. Most are tiny, about and not big enough that anything would get  _ caught  _ on them, unless somebody was deliberately tossing something up on the wall to get caught. 

Well, on a rather spirited night of partying, that’s what happened. Some of the mechanics who had had a bit too much firewater were throwing around a  _ wrench _ —terrible idea when drinking, or even when sober—to see if they could get it caught high up on the wall. They ended up succeeding, and now about twenty feet in the air is a mechanical wrench with the loop at the base of the handle stuck around a metal peg sticking out of the hangar wall. 

Many have tried to get the wrench down by throwing things or banging hard on the wall. Of course, they probably have a ladder, but nobody  _ wants  _ to use it. It would be a signal of pride to get the wrench down in an innovative way, and many have tried. Today, Rey and Finn have decided, is the day that the wrench comes down. 

A small group forms to watch as the friends survey the wall.

“You could use the Force,” Finn says. “Knock it right off, maybe?”

Rey presses her hands to her hips and squints up at the wrench. “I am  _ not  _ doing that. It’s such a boring way to get it down!”

Finn smirks and rolls his eyes. “Right, using your  _ magical powers  _ is  _ such  _ a boring way to do it.”

“I don’t have magical powers.”

Rey wonders if she could climb on Finn’s shoulders. Of course, she wouldn’t be the first one to try  _ that  _ method, but it looks worth a shot. She turns to him. 

“Give me a boost.”

A minute later, she is standing on Finn’s shoulders, reaching, but the wrench is  _ still  _ out of reach. 

“Did you get it?” Finn calls. 

“No!” It’s just too far up, and Rey’s legs are shaking. 

“Well, hurry up! This isn’t exactly comfortable.”

She reaches again, but to no avail. Finn sets Rey back on the ground. 

“If only you were taller.”

Finn looks at her incredulously. “ _ Me?  _ I am  _ not  _ the problem. If only  _ you  _ were taller.”

She sighs. “Fine. If only both of us were built like tall pillars, then this wouldn’t even be a problem. Any other suggestions?”

A voice pops out of the small crowd behind them. 

“Are you going to use the Force?” Rey is met with the face of a boy who is probably just barely an adult. As a matter of fact, most of the recruits that are standing by to watch are young. When did  _ that  _ happen? Rey wonders. The Resistance never seemed like an overwhelmingly youthful group to her. 

“No, it feels like cheating,” she says. Any points she would be earning with the older mechanics would surely be lost if she used the Force to get the wrench down. They’re looking for excitement and skill. Not—as Finn put it— _ magic.  _

“You should try again,” a girl next to the boy says. She looks excited, too. “Use your staff!” The girl blushes, then mumbles: “I mean, I heard you use a staff.”

Rey smiles at the girl and then surveys the wrench again. Perhaps her staff  _ would  _ do the trick—she could use the tip to wiggle the wrench until it fell. The only problem is, the wrench could fall past here and hit Finn in the eye or something. It could be dangerous if she doesn’t catch it. 

“I…. I want to try it,” Rey says. “I’ll be right back.”  
She races back to her room to grab her staff. When Rey returns, more people have gathered around. Apparently word of another attempt to grab the wrench has spread quickly. Most people just try to throw things at it and hope for the best. 

Rey faces Finn. “You want to try again?”

“I’m not used to working with an audience.”

Rey looks at everyone. The girl who suggested she use the staff looks absolutely enthralled. 

“People stare at me all the time and it doesn’t do any harm. You’ll be fine.”

“Right.”

Finn ducks down, and Rey gingerly steps onto his back with her staff strapped over one shoulder. Slowly, he rises, and the crowd falls absolutely silent. 

Rey pulls the staff from her back and brings it into her hands. Silently she chants to herself to balance.  _ Balance. Please, please balance.  _ She flits her eyes up the wrench. It’s still out of reach, but the staff should get there easily. Rey touches the edge of the staff to the wall and slowly begins to slide it towards the wrench. Soon enough, the end is there, and she lightly pushes at the wrench. It wiggles on the notch in the wall and Rye smiles. Behind her, the crowd begins to murmur. 

“You’ve got about ten seconds before I collapse,” Finn says below her. 

She pushes against the wrench again with her staff and then— _ there.  _ The wrench falls, careening towards the ground. Something tells her she  _ has  _ to catch it, because if Finn steps back or looks up it  _ will  _ hit him in the eye. 

Rey leans back, extending her arm to catch the wrench midair, but as she grasps it she begins to lose her balance and fall backward. With a push, she launches herself off of Finn’s shoulders and the word flips upside down—no,  _ she’s  _ flipping upside down, a skill she’s learned in all her training and conditioning. By some miracle, she lands on her feet, wrench in hand. 

Nobody can believe what happened.  _ Rey  _ can’t believe it. After a second of silence, she takes a stunned Finn’s hand, and together, they raise the wrench in the air. 

The whole crowd erupts into cheers. 

This, Rey decides, is the stupidest and most dangerous waste of effort in her life. But she finds that she doesn’t care at all, and that for the first time in a while, she can’t stop smiling.

\---

That night, the Resistance celebrates. The party was already planned to celebrate Rey, Rose, and Finn safely returning and planting the bug, but now it almost feels like they are celebrating the wrench more. A few of the mechanics have built a little stand for it in the center of the room so people can come take a look at the infamous wall wrench. Of course, before ending up on the wall, it was really just a normal wrench. But now it’s the center of attention. It’s strange what people decide to care about. 

Not wanting a repeat of her night at the casino, Rey limits herself to one drink. This way, she feels the fuzzy warmth of alcohol in her system, but she will actually remember the events of tonight. She’s not interested in showing off her  _ game  _ tonight, as Talaa would say. Finn also keeps himself rather reserved. Rey suspects this is incase any of the former Troopers need him.

Rose Tico only makes a brief appearance at the party, and Reey and Finn watch as Rose and Poe dance together to the music and laugh together. 

“Sometimes I can’t believe this is my life,” Finn says from beside her. The pair is tucked away in the corner of the cafeteria at a small table, quietly observing. “I mean, the Order wasn’t about friends or people like this. We hardly knew each other behind the masks. This…. This is how people are meant to live.”

Rey nods. She never thought she’d live like this, either. She certainly never thought she’d be part of a community that looked out for her instead of competing with her for resources. 

“The new recruits seem to be enjoying it,” Rey says, gesturing over to a table of former Troopers who are all quietly chatting. Finn’s eyes follow where she is looking, and Rey can tell that he is quickly overcome with emotion.

“It’s difficult to find yourself,” Finn says. “After leaving the Order. Like for me, at first, I was with you, and everything was a whirlwind. But once it all settled down, there was this real sense of emptiness. That’s what these guys are feeling now. There’s no action to distract them, so they have to figure out who they are without the fight. That’s the most difficult part.”

Rey can empathize with that. Nothing is worse when you’ve had a big change than having nothing to do. There were days on base where she felt really sick at how empty she was. After escaping Jakku, why didn’t she feel more grateful? But it’s hard to be comfortable in a new place, to realize that the last place you were became so much of your identity. 

“They must be happy to have you and Lena,” she says. 

“Yeah,” Finn agrees. “Lena, she’s great with those of them who lost people in there. Did you know Hux killed her girlfriend?”  
Rey nods. “She told me a while ago.”

“Well, she’s one of many like that. I think people around here seem to forget that almost everyone indoctrinated into those low level positions was stolen from their homes as kids, and that they’re people with lives. We could hurt them all, or we could help them, you know?”

Rey agrees wholeheartedly, but she also understands that it is a tough sell for many here, especially those who have lost their lives to Troopers or other First Order officials. That’s why they keep their former placements relatively private, as to not cause large amounts of animosity within the ranks. 

Finn sighs. “It’s stupid, I know. But I just can’t help but want this perfect ending for everyone.”

Rey takes a small sip from her glass.

“I don’t know if it’s stupid,” she says. “I mean, six months ago we would’ve said large numbers of Troopers joining the Resistance was a stupid idea. It sounds  _ impossible _ . But look at them now. Look at  _ you. _ ” She smiles widely at him.

Finn nods, almost sheepishly. “You’re giving me too much credit. Lots of other people are a part of this campaign.”

“But it’s your persistence that got them there,” Rey reminds him. “It was your idea, your hope, and your belief.”

Not so long ago, Kylo Ren announced that the Resistance was dead. Finn is a big reason why it  _ isn’t.  _ He is a reason why this room tonight is so full.

“Finn, what do you want to do when this is over?” Rey suddenly asks. 

Finn frowns. “What do you mean?”

Rey’s mind has drawn back to a conversation she had with Rose long ago. What are they without this war, without the conflict that consumes them? She still has no idea.

“When the war ends, when Troopers have been rehabilitated and things, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t think we’ll reach that point in my lifetime,” he says. 

“You don’t think the war will end soon?”  
“Oh, I think it will. All this stuff with Ren and Hux—it will blow up in one or both of their faces. But I don’t think anyone who was subjected to the First Order will ever be _fully rehabilitated._ And I don’t intend to abandon being a touch point for them.”

“That’s smart,” Rey says. “ _ You’re  _ smart. And much better than me. I would never think about stuff like that.”

“Rey, you are one of the  _ best people  _ they have here. And I don’t just mean that in Force skills or whatever—you are a genuinely good  _ person.  _ Who sticks up for me about Starkiller? Who fixes nearly  _ every single  _ droid, and befriends ex-First Order members like me and Lena, and jokes with the mechanic guys every morning? You look out for other people.”

Rey bites back a smile. “Well, you’re better,” she says, nudging him across the table. 

“It’s not a competition. We can both be great.”

Of course, there are plenty of things that Finn doesn’t know. Things that—if they came to light—might significantly shade his perspective of her. 

“What will you do?” Finn asks. “When this is all over—when you don’t need to be  _ our Jedi  _ anymore, as everyone says—you could be anything. I’m sure they’ll be looking for people in the new government, and you could have a spot if you wanted it.”

Rey shakes her head. “I don’t want that kind of power. I think… I think I don’t entirely know what I want to do. Travel, definitely.”

“Travel I get. But wouldn’t you want to see this thing through? You’d probably get to live in a big swanky penthouse on Coruscant or something.”

She could never imagine trapping herself to a place like Coruscant again. Pree—her friend there—seems to adore the bustling atmosphere. But Rey had felt incredibly small in a way that was different than everywhere else. Coruscant felt like the sort of place that could drown her if she wasn’t always actively trying to stay afloat. 

And besides, as she has said time and time again, Rey has no interest in ruling, no interest in  _ government,  _ as long as it is serving the people. She cares about a system that does good and is accountable, but not so much about being a part of it. There are plenty of capable and qualified people out there with much more confident ideas and plans than her on how to revitalize the galaxy. Rey just wants to put things in place where that can  _ happen _ , and then she can do her part of holding the people accountable who are good enough to do the job. 

“There are people out there that actually  _ want  _ to do that stuff,” Rey says. She thinks of Kylo.  _ He  _ wants to do those things—is actively trying to do them, albeit in a misguided way. Shouldn’t a person that wants that kind of power be the one to have it?

“Wanting to do something doesn’t mean you should,” Finn says. “And I think, when this is all over, you aren’t going to be able to walk away.”

Rey shakes her head. “No, I told you, I want to travel! There are so many places I haven’t seen.”

Finn smiles knowingly, and Rey playfully narrows her eyes at him. He thinks he has her figured out, that she will be a part of this future government, but Rey truly has no interest. 

She is, however, interested in something else. 

“Let me ask you this: do you think they should reform the Senate?”

Finn considers this. “Exactly as it was? Like even how they had it all the way back with Palpatine and everything?”

She nods.

“No, I don’t,” Finn says. “It was all greed and power plays. That doesn’t help anyone. I think if they want to do something that lasts, they need to be looking forward—innovation. But the representation piece… that matters. It matters a lot.”

“I guess you could say that’s not far off from what Kylo Ren’s trying to do,” Rey says. “The innovation, I mean.”

Finn stiffens. “Kylo Ren wants the galaxy for himself. He thinks only one person has the right to make choices for billions.”

“I think he’s afraid of a Senate,” Rey says. 

“Do you?”

“I think—when you really look at everything he’s doing—that he is trying to make all of the choices so that other terrible people don’t get to make them.”

Finn snorts. “You’re giving him far too much credit.”

“Maybe,” Rey considers. Finn could very well be correct. “But also, sometimes I wonder… if we have any common ground.”

Finn looks past Rey, to the door. Probably making sure nobody is listening in to their conversation. 

“Common ground? Rey—”

“I don’t mean, like, the whole  _ Supreme Leader  _ business. I just think he probably wants to establish an ordered government. Like, what does Hux want? He just seems to care about power for the sake of hearing his own voice. Kylo Ren seems to want power so that things are orderly.”

“Kylo Ren  _ and  _ Hux have done more terrible things than you even know,” Finn says sternly. “You don’t know… the  _ lives  _ that have ended…”

“I agree with you,” Rey stops him. “They have both done terrible things. But if we have to  _ reason  _ with one of them—”

“Reason? Kylo Ren won’t listen to reason, Rey.”

“Maybe he will. Maybe we just need the right  _ person  _ to talk to him.”

“There is no right person,” Finn says. “Snoke was the only one who ever seemed to have a hold on him, and he was terrible. How can you reason with a man like him?”

Rey knows the answer in Finn’s eyes is that you can’t. But maybe it is possible. Maybe if Finn knew how she and Kylo—

No. Rey supposes now would not be the time to tell Finn this, nor would it be the right moment to try and get Kylo to compromise with her. He is, evidently, angry at her for being honest about their situation. 

“I don’t know,” Rey says. “I just think that at some point, we are going to have to bend, if we want to win.”

Finn leans back in his chair and looks out into the crowd. A song has just ended, and Rose and Poe are practically doubled over with laughter. How Rose Tico can butt heads with Poe Dameron one day, and freely dance with him the next, Rey has no idea. She’s simultaneously the most rigid and free person that Rey has ever met.

“There are some things,” Finn says, “That we should never be willing to compromise on. And in my opinion, people getting to make choices in who leads them is one of those things. If we walk out of this with Kylo Ren in charge, with one person deciding everything for billions of people, we have not won.”

\---

As imperceivably as Kylo Ren had tumbled into her life, he now tumbles out. Rey reaches out into the bond—perhaps a bit guilty feeling, but then resenting herself for feeling guilty at all.  _ He  _ said  _ nothing  _ about that kiss for a month and it drove her  _ mad _ . So, she cleared the air, and now he is silent. 

Sometimes still she reaches for him to no avail. Rey has no idea if the Force is doing it or he has learned something she has not, but they are not connected face to face for a few days. It begins to feel very lonely, and Rey dwells on the fact that she may have ruined  _ everything _ . This, she surmises, is why personal affairs and political ones should stay separate. 

_ Ben, let’s talk,  _ she says.  _ I know you can hear me. What I said…. I meant let’s not pretend, not that we should stop speaking…  _

But he doesn’t reply, he never does. 

Three days pass where Rey lays low and helps fix old X-wings. She does not see Rose at all during this time, as the woman is offf solving the puzzle of how to find the voice of Hux within a million transmissions. 

Speaking of transmissions, the Comm given to Rey by Kylo weighs heavily in her pocket as each day passes. She could speak to him this way. She  _ should.  _ At the very least, she should contact Talaa Ren for advice on what to do next. But part of Rey is afraid that Rose could intercept this communication. How would she explain  _ that?  _

And so the three days pass in normalcy, until after dinner on the third night a meeting is called in Command. Rose Tico has cracked the code. 

Leia immediately gives the floor to Rose. It wouldn’t matter, anway. Everyone is already looking at the woman. But where Rey expects to see excitement, there is only a grave panic. 

Rose cuts right to the chase. “I’ve intercepted some secret communication from Hux informing his officers that they plan to fire the weapon he’s been building.”

The table immediately erupts. 

“What? Do you know where—or when?” Poe asks. He looks as sick as Rey feels.

“Coruscant. The end of next week—nined days from now.”

“Coruscant? Is he trying to destroy the whole planet?”

“Our intel says that this weapon can’t take out a whole planet,” Finn says from his seat. “But yeah, a weapon of this size could do serious damage. Thousands, maybe even millions, lost.”

“Why?”

The loud chattering resumes as everyone shares their own personal theory. 

_ Why does anyone do anything _ ? Rey thinks. To gain power… to show power… to make a statement. But Hux… menichal as he is, surely would not want to make  _ this  _ sort of statement. He has never wanted to seem illogical to the general public. A move like this is uncalled for, it is deeply evil and  _ not  _ done for any purpose. It is not something he would want his name attached to… which means… 

“He’s going to frame Kylo Ren,” Rey says. Everybody looks at her. 

“That’s ridiculous,” Poe says. “Why do it and not take credit? Hux is evil enough to want—”

“No, wait,” Rose interjects. She turns to Rey. “Why do you think that?”

“Because…” Rey struggles to articulate the thought. Because she  _ knows  _ Hux hates Kylo, that is the answer. This civil war is because he does not only want Kylo Ren dead, he wants him to burn in glorious flame first.

“Because he’s struggling, probably. Support may not be what he thought, some important people are still siding with Kylo Ren. But this will turn the tide, it will make benefactors and the general public scorn Kylo forever.”

“Why not try to blame us?”

“Kylo declared us dead,” Rey says. By now, the Resistance knows this. “Hux knows the galaxy would never believe a concocted story that  _ we  _ built a First Order style weapon—especially in our proposed state.”

There are murmurs of agreement, and everyone soon begins to understand Rey’s logic. In a little over a week, Hux is going to fire a weapon of mass destruction and lead the galaxy to think Kylo Ren is to blame. Which means they need to stop him. And Rey needs to warn Kylo. 

“We need to begin organizing,” Kaydel says from the other side of the table. “We’ll have to destroy or deactivate the weapon. Do we have any idea where it is?”

Everyone looks to Rose. She shakes her head. 

“Hux has not mentioned location. I guess… it’s got to be near Coursucant or at least in the Core. But Kaydel is right, we need to figure out our next move. Now that we know, we can’t just sit by and watch.”

The problem is they don’t know  _ enough.  _ How can they destroy a weapon with no location or intel on how it operates?

“How do we stop this?” Finn says, looking right at Rey. “What do we do?”

This reminds Rey of every time a new kid would appear at Niima outpost. There was nothing anyone could do—nobody had the means nor the resources to help anyone besides themselves. So the kid, they would either become smart and resourceful or they would die. And resourceful didn’t always mean trading with Plutt. It meant stealing from the right people—people who wouldn’t notice. It meant finding the right places to hide and the clean water to drink. It meant making the difficult decisions that might feel compromising because above all, life was more desirable than death.

All eyes are on her. Rey isn’t a kriffing  _ strategist _ —far from it. But she is probably the person in this room that knows the most about the psychology of Kylo Ren and Hux.

It feels like she knows everything and nothing at once. The knowledge that Kylo knows about this weapon and would likely help them, if not for the fact that Rey and him are seemingly not on speaking terms, sits heavily in her stomach. What if Kylo could stop this? What if telling him is the key to all of this? And possibly even worse, what if he already knows the plans of Hux, but intends to do nothing about it?

She can’t afford to dwell on the complications at the Command table. Everyone is watching her and she needs to give them the best plan to save lives. 

“First, we need to prepare to fight,” Rey says. Everybody agrees with this. “I said we should hold back last time, but there is too much at stake to wait.”

Rey’s eyes fall on Leia. 

“If we do not fight to the death when the galaxy needs us, we are no Resistance.”

Poe seems excited at the prospect of  _ blowing stuff up.  _ “Great! I’ll get my guys ready and then—”

Leia raises a hand. “I believe Rey might have more to say.”

Rey bites her lip. She does,of course, but this is the difficult bit—the bit nobody is going to want to hear. Kriff, she’s not even sure it’s  _ possible,  _ given everything. But if it is possible… then it’s high time she shares it with these people who trust her to do what’s right. 

“We also… should reach out to Kylo Ren.”

Everyone talks at once, and Rey can feel a pounding headache coming on. 

_ Ben, please. It’s urgent.  _

“He… he would know the most about how Hux operates, and he has experience working on these sorts of superweapons. If there is a way to destroy this thing, Kylo Ren would know how to do it.”

“I’m sorry,” the older man next to Poe says. “But it sounds like you just said  _ Kylo Ren _ . And that can't be possible. Hasn’t he tried to  _ kill you _ —and all of us—on multiple occasions?”

“Yes, he has,” Rey says. “And I’m not saying it isn’t a risk. But right now, Hux is his enemy and—”

“Kylo Ren is  _ our  _ enemy,” the man says. “We can hardly just call him up and ask if he wants to be noble and help out! What if he says no?”

_ He won’t _ , is the answer Rey wants to give. But she can’t bring herself to say it. 

“I think it’s worth consideration,” Leia says. 

Somebody begins to object. “You are biased—”

“We are  _ all  _ biased,” Leia says. “We have all lost somebody to the man. Yes, perhaps I am the  _ most  _ biased. But, the crux of what Rey says is right. We cannot be sure of our ability to do this on our own, with the limited information we have. And perhaps if Kylo Ren were to provide some context—”

“He would never,” Doctor Kalonia interjects. She looks to Rey sympathetically, and then to Leia. “I’m sorry, but I cannot believe that Kylo Ren would ever help the Resistance. It’s just… it’s been too long…”

“What is the plan without him?” Rey blurts. She looks to the head of the table where Rose has been silently observing the argument. “Rose, do you really think you can get a location or any specs on the weapons in time for us to deactivate this thing?”

She shrugs. “Maybe… but it would be very difficult. I could try, but there is no way of knowing what Hux will say on his Comms.”

Everyone is silent for a moment, thinking. 

“What if we intercepted Kylo’s comms?” Finn asks.

“He’s not going to be talking about a weapon he didn’t commision to build,” Rey counters. “Remember, Hux is his enemy, too.”

Rey once again reaches out in her mind.  _ Ben, I need to talk to you. Please answer me.  _

Nothing. 

“We cannot seriously be entertaining this idea,” Poe says. “I mean, sharing an enemy does _not_ make us allies with Kylo Ren. What happens if we succeed in blowing this thing up with him on our side? Do we _bow_ to him after?  
“We would never—” Rey begins. 

“Kylo Ren is a menace. He is not on our side. He never will be. Now, we should focus on what we do best, which is saving the galaxy ourselves. We always find a way.”

_ But maybe we won’t. Not this time.  _

Leia looks wearily around the table. 

“Your opinion is noted, Poe. But seeing as Kylo Ren is  _ not  _ currently in charge and deciding things for us, we will put it to a vote.”

Poe huffs at this, but then indeed resigns to the fact that a vote is fair. 

Leia stands at the head of the table, and takes in each of their expressions. Rey holds her breath. 

“I won’t ignore the gravity of this situation,” Leia begins. “General Hux presents an immediate and terrible threat to the galaxy—too many innocent lives.  _ This _ we can all agree on.”

Everyone nods in agreement. 

“But in moving forward, we must make a difficult decision. Do we search the galaxy ourselves for this weapon of destruction? Do we go in with the small amount of information provided by reformed Troopers and pray it is enough? This is the most stable anwer. It is the way we have always done things.”

Beside Leia, Rey can see that Poe is agreeing to each word of this suggestion. 

“But,” Leia continues, “This could easily fail. Our intel is extremely frail on this matter. Perhaps, as Rey suggests, we could try a  _ riskier  _ approach—one that, if successful, could lead us straight to the weapon and means to dismantle it. Kylo Ren has long been our enemy, but, in this situation, if he becomes our ally, we could very well be on the track to success.”

_ And possibly much more,  _ Rey thinks. A partnership with Kylo could put them on the track to  _ ending  _ this. There are nine of them present today in Command—which means there will be no tie.

“All in favor of reaching out to Kylo Ren?” Leia asks.

It is with utter disbelief that Rey begins to watch hands raise. First, of course, is her own. This is  _ her  _ idea. And then, beside her, is Finn. Finn, who told her Kylo Ren could not be reasoned with. Finn, who  _ knows  _ the First Order in ways she does not. Finn, who despite his reservations, is putting his faith in her. 

After Finn, Kaydel raises her hand. Rey is surprised at this, but she withholds any expression from crossing her face. Next is Rose, who takes several seconds to decide before deliberately raising her hand and facing Rey with a firm nod. And last is Leia. 

Rey, Finn, Kaydel, Rose, and Leia. That makes five. 

“All opposed?” Leia asks, mostly for formality. 

Poe immediately raises his hand, followed by the two men sitting to his left and Doctor Kalonia. 

There is no ruckus when the vote is completed. Rey expects more pushback from Poe, but he does not attest to the vote. 

Instead, Rey feels a surreal sense of shock as Leia turns to her. “It seems you need to find a way to contact Kylo Ren, then. Let’s put a plan into motion.”

Where she should feel relief, there is dread. Rey’s entire intention in returning here was to find a way to unite Kylo and the Resistance to take down Hux. But that was before she went and messed things up. How is she going to reason with him when he’s actively ignoring her?

“I’ll search the Force and see what I can do,” Rey says. She only hopes a conversation with him can be enough to get them moving in the right direction for the sake of the galaxy.


	39. Communication

Rey runs back to her room, shuts the door, and falls back into her bed. Kriff. She needs to contact him now. This is bigger than both of them, bigger than any little personal spat. It is thousands of lives at stake. _Pree_ could be at risk. Kriff, Rey already feels guilty about leaving her friend and never returning, but if he were to die and she could’ve stopped it… she would never be able to live with herself. 

She shuts her eyes and reaches out into the Force. 

_Ben._

She waits. He can’t ignore her forever, right? Sooner or later the Force will connect them. It always does. Rey lays very still and waits to feel his mine close to hers, but there is nothing. That thread that ties them together feels dead and limp.

_Ben, can you hear me?_

Again he doesn’t answer. 

Rey sits up with her eyes still shut. Should she try the Comm? No, that could be traced by Rose. Maybe she has to go back to Naboo and find the Knights. That probably won’t work, either. They’re all working to take down Hux now, the chances of anyone still being at the Lakehouse are incredibly small. She just needs him to _answer._ He said he wasn’t leaving her ever again, but this feels an awful lot like being abandoned. And it stings deeper, too, knowing that she might have caused this rift. Although she still can’t quite bring herself to understand why, at all, her words had offended him. Kriff, maybe she could figure it out if he would stop shutting her out.

 _Please, Ben. Please I_ —

She catches over her own thoughts. She doesn’t want to cry. If anything, she should cry over the panic pooling in her chest over this looming conflict. But Rey doesn’t wnat to cry because of the superweapon or Hux. Those sorts of things are tangibly terrifying, not these deep and intricate feelings that she can’t quite grasp. It’s worse, she thinks, that she wants to cry over _him._ And just like that, she feels tears begin to flow, and Rey presses her face into her hands. Of course, this is _her_ fault, isn’t it? She’d told him to stop keeping up the charade, that he had made her mind a mess. Those things are _true,_ of course. Rey is tired. She’s tired of wanting things and not understanding what’s right in front of her. She’s tired of having feelings and thinking that they’re wrong because of who they’re for. She’s just tired of feeling like every choice she makes is the wrong one. 

_I’m scared_ , she says both into the bond and to herself, although right now it feels much more like speaking into a void. She feels less like herself, less connected to him or anything else, than she has in a while. Since she was back on Jakku for her last visit. 

_I’ve messed everything up, and I don’t know what to do now._

It is a terrifying sensation to understand that a mistake has been made, that something growing has been marred and scarred by one’s own choices. All Rey knows is something has become convoluted, and she does not know if she or Kylo has the wherewithal to fix it properly. 

Rey’s hands fall away from her face. There’s nothing she can do now. She’s going to have to go back to Command and tell everyone that she doesn’t have the capability of finding Kylo Ren in the Force. They will all see her for exactly what she is: a sham, a failure. The lightsaber might make her look like a fighter, and the Force abilities might make her look like she has wisdom, but underneath it all she is completely incapable. 

How can she face her friends after dividing them over this plan and now even being able to execute it? The simple thing would be to run away, but Rey promised herself that she was done running. No, she’s just going to have to own up to her own failure. 

There has to be a spark; some errant hope living inside her that’ll keep her going. The Resistance runs off those sparks, can’t she? People need hope; people need—

“Rey?”

She looks up and nearly sags with relief at the sight of Kylo standing in front of her. Of course, she tries her best to keep a reserved face, not quite knowing the extent of his current anger. 

He looks—honestly—not well. The skin beneath his eyes has darkened significantly, and his expression is extremely stern. Rey nearly asks him if he’s been sleeping well this past month, but thinks better of it. Didn’t she ask him first to end the charade? If he cared about her, he would’ve made it clear this past month. He hardly wants to hear anything else from her. 

Still, it is clear _something_ has happened in this gap of communication that she doesn't know about. For a month, Rey and Kylo have been passing crucial information, but it has not been particularly personal. She knows his half of the First Order is functional, yet struggling. About half of the Troopers have sided with Kylo in the split, maybe a little less. The exact numbers are insignificant, because it is perception that matters. And Rey knows—from her friends in the Resistance and otherwise—that the galaxy believes that Kylo Ren still holds full power. But the man standing before her doesn't look like a bastion of strength to any degree. His abundant weariness rolls off in waves, and she can, above all, perceive this matter of exhaustion that does not match up with the reports he had been giving her. 

“What do you want?” He asks rather pointedly. 

Rey swallows. It’s not that she’s hurt by his vindictive manner—she has seen it before—it is more so that he can now perceive a weakness within her that she did not want him to see. She wishes she could erase the puffiness from her face and look as brave as she had in Command. Kylo, for his part, does not seem concerned for her at all. Each time she tries to convince herself that he’s not unkind, his voice reminds her that this is not true. Every person has the capability for cruelty, no matter if they desire it or not. 

She knows he seems to be upset—or perhaps offended—from their last conversation, and that the hostility of today is probably a reflection of that. Still, his countenance does more than upset her, rather piercing a fresh sense of irritation. 

“I haven’t heard from you in days and you say _what do you want?_ Seriously?” 

He narrows his eyes at her. “Well, seeing as you’d like to keep things _professional_ , I assume that this occurrence means you _want_ something.”

Unbelievable. Rey cannot _believe_ his attitude. Actually, she can. This is the _exact_ type of behavior she’d expect from someone who thinks he has the right to rule the galaxy all on his own. 

“You’re ridiculous,” she fires back, standing up so he is no longer standing over her. “I am _not_ some selfish monster, you know.”

“Oh no, I never said that. But it seems you’re quite willing to imply it.”

“ _What is wrong with you?”_ she snaps. Why is he—all Rey said was that this last month has been difficult for her with his mixed signals. That doesn’t mean she wanted _this_. She just—no, she can’t let this get personal. There is too much at stake.

“I’ve been trying to reach you because Hux is going to fire his superweapon on Coruscant and then frame you,” Rey says. “Is _that_ reason enough to reach out?”

Kylo stills, his face flickers with an ounce of what Rey assumes may actually be concern. 

“Coruscant? Why would he fire it a such a highly populated place—”

He begins to pace, and Rey can see as Kylo works out the answer for himself. This baseless attack is horrid, unforgivable. He would never do such a thing without purpose—and what other purpose could there be other than to further blacken the image of Kylo Ren? She can see his thoughts tracing the same thread as her own. Talaa Ren once said they were similar, and Rey had denied it inside. But now, she is beginning to understand the ways that this might actually be true. 

“Kylo,” she steps forward, and he winces just slightly. She wonders if he feels the weight of their distance or the coming conflict to be the heaviest to bear. Rey is still unsure herself which presses down on her more. 

“Do you know where this weapon is?”

“Yes.”

Relief floods her, but it is short lived. There is more he needs to offer than just knowing the location. Even with it, the Resistance will be hard pressed to take down the weapon on their own.

“I want to stop this before it happens—the _Resistance_ wants to stop it. We only have nine days, and they’re… willing to work together. Work with you.”

He looks up at her, surprised. “You convinced them to work with me?”

“Majority vote in Command,” Rey explains. “Everyone may not be happy about it, but they want me to find a way to reach you, so…”

“How are you going to explain the way that you’ve reached me?” he asks. It’s a simple question, and Rey almost feels relieved to receive something other than coldness from him today. 

“Well, I usually just make something up about ‘searching the Force’ and nobody knows any different, so—”

“My mother does.”

Rey shakes her head. “Leia suggested it to me. She must think that’s how it works.”

Kylo frowns, and his lips part like he has more to say, but he stays silent.

“Anyway,” Rey continues, “I need you to Comm her, or something. Reach out in real communication and offer your assistance. Say you… sensed my request or something.”

“Such a well thought out plan,” he says dryly. If circumstances were different, Rey would smack him right now for that comment. 

“Hey! I’m under a lot of pressure. Things aren’t going to be perfect.”

“You’ve had a month to figure this out.”

“It’s been a busy month! I’ve barely stopped stressing about not being found out while also convincing people to work with _you._ Trust me, there is no way to plan for this stuff. It just happens, and the fact that we have a majority vote in Command is a miracle.”

Kylo doesn’t seem impressed by the amount of effort Rey has exercised in this past month. Effort that would have been—if she’s being honest—a lot easier to take on if she knew where the two of _them_ stood. It’s hard to tiptoe through your friendships when there’s one that’s constantly on your mind. 

“Are you sure this is the best plan? What about after?” Kylo asks. “What if we destroy this thing together—do they drag me off to prison? Kill me? It won’t end well.”

“I won’t let anything like that happen,” Rey says quickly, and she genuinely means it. Despite their… misgivings, Rey would not ever let the Resistance harm a person that matters so much to her, just as she would never let _him_ harm her friends. Kriff, if it came down to it, she’d fly him to a hiding spot herself. Even if she still felt this furious and confused. 

Kylo sighs and runs a hand through his dark hair. “Well, this is what you wanted, isn’t it? To bring us all together to be your big happy family. I guess now is your chance.”

She flusters. “I—that’s not what this is about and you know it.”

She can’t stand it when he acts like this, so _cynical._ Worse, so critical of _her._ Rey came back to the Resistance because she is trying to do what is best for the galaxy, not because she’s obsessed with creating some happy family. And it hurts, really, to hear him water her actions down to such a simple base of desire. He knows how she has longed for a family more than anyone else, seeing as he has been inside her head. But being in her head, Kylo must also know that Rey would _never_ put other people in so much danger for her on singular personal desires.

“For once in your life, can you please just _think logically_? This might be the way to fix everything,” she says. 

“Think logically? Sound advice coming from you.”

He turns his back on her. Furiously, Rey steps forward and grabs his shoulder, spinning him around to face her. 

“What is the _matter_ with you? I have stuck my neck out time and time again for this operation. Do you think it was easy to get the majority on my side? For _weeks_ I’ve been whittling away at my own friends, possibly compromising our relationships _forever_ , just to get them to _consider_ working with you when the time came. So yes, I would say I might be on grounds to give advice, seeing as I’ve gotten lots of _experience_ in how to handle problems.”

“Talking to you friends is not handling problems.”

“What's your alternative? I can hardly tell them the truth about what’s happened. “Kylo Ren and I have formed an alliance and we want your help! But he might betray us, still. I can’t guarantee a thing.” Is that a good sell?”

“You’re being ridiculous. I already said I would help on Naboo.”

“I didn’t forget that promise,” she snaps. “But that was before you _mocked_ me. Said this was all some personal play to give myself a family—”

Kylo rolls his eyes.“You're right, I’m sorry. How rude of me to assume you were trying to bring me into the fold. The Resistance is already your family, right? Me, well I’m just a _friend._ ”

He says it like it’s the worst word in the galaxy, like benign what they have agreed to makes him sick. Rey sneers at him.

“You said you _wanted_ to be my friend. Have I disappointed you, Ben? Was it not enough? Living in your house, staying in your bed, flying on your ships and meeting your friends —did none of it make me a good enough _friend_?”

He steps toward her, tilting his chin down so their eyes meet. “I recall the title of friend being a loose one to describe a much more complex situation, Kira. Or do I remember incorrectly?”

She shudders at the use of a name from so long ago—a nickname for a different person than she is now. 

“Oh you remember clearly, Ben. I also recall you kissing me and then forgetting it like I was last month’s old news. So if we are going to play the game of who hurts the other more, I am not the villain.”

He blinks at her in surprise, but Rey doesn’t give room for a retort. She doesn’t want to hear him talk about kissing her. It—it means too much, even if it doesn’t matter to him. She’d like to keep that memory for herself unscathed.

Rey takes a step back from him, then arranges a look of passivity on her face. Maybe if her eyes and nose and mouth make it look like he doesn't matter to her, her heart will start to believe that lie. 

“Comm your mother, Ben, and figure this out, or I swear on the Force I will fly out to wherever the hell you are and end this civil war myself, but _you_ won’t be on the winning side,” she seethes.

“That’s not very Jedi of you.”

“ _I am not a Jedi_ ,” Rey snaps. “And I have no idea why you’re treating me like—like shit. Just uphold your end of the deal, and then we’ll never have to see eachother again, seeing as that’s what you want.”

Now _she_ turns away from _him._ Because… because she doesn’t want to cry right in front of his face. She doesn’t want him to know how _confused_ she is and how _angry_ it’s made her to not understand any of his behavior.

Several moments of silence pass, and Rey longingly waits for the bond to close. If he doesn’t Comm Leia, the humiliation will be great, but the danger will be even greater. 

“Rey.”

“What?”

“I’ll Comm.”

She turns around to face him. 

“Good. You should.”

She can’t quite read the expression on his face past exhaustion, but Kylo is clearly thinking of something that she can’t see. 

“You said… once… that I could _atone_. There are things I regret, things I wish I had not aided. If doing this… well…” He trails off, then looks right at her. “Firing on Coruscant is a senseless loss of life. Of course I do not want the blame, but I don’t want the bloodshed, either. So, I’ll Comm my mother and see what we can do.”

She nods. There’s far too much in his words for her to process while he’s staring at her. 

“Thank you,” she says. But he isn't doing it for her, she knows. And perhaps that’s better. Perhaps one’s own morality should not be dependent on another person. 

She waits for the bond to end. It doesn’t. Sometimes, Rey wonders if the bond is deliberate when it closes. Most of the time it feels erratic, but so much hangs in the air between them today. It is almost as if the Force wants them to say more. 

But Rey is tired. This has felt like the longest day of her life, and she just wants it to be over. Finally, the Force relents, and she is left standing in her room alone.

\---

The next morning, Rey sits awake in her room for much longer than usual, unable to focus enough to meditate or think clearly enough to get up and train. Her thoughts are only disrupted by a knock at the door.

She opens the door to a surprisingly well-rested-looking Rose. Rey supposes Rose didn’t have to spend her night arguing with their newest enemy-turned-potential-tentative-ally. That can add a lot of room into the sleep schedule.

“Hey.” Rose sits on the bed beside Rey. She’s still not used to having a lot of people in her room, but with Rose it feels… okay. She’s a trustworthy friend, Rey knows. She has no reason to think otherwise. 

“Hi.” Rey smiles weakly. 

“Listen—Rey—I never got to really thank you for coming back for me on the station…” Rose trails off. 

“You and I both know you could’ve found a way out of that without me,” Rey jokes. Rose cracks a smile. 

“Probably,” she admits. “But still, thank you. I—I was worried that Kylo Ren…”

Rey’s heart contracts at the sound of his name. Rose seems to sense something is wrong, because she pauses. 

“Hey—are you okay? Did something happen I don’t know about?”

Rey quickly snaps back. “What? No. And I guess…. We’ll be seeing Kylo Ren soon enough, right?”

Rose nods slowly. “Right… listen, you know you can tell me anything, right? If something’s happened that you haven’t shared…”

 _Kriff._ Rose gives Rey that look alluding to _personal problems_ —which, Rey supposes, these problems _are_. But she can’t exactly share the full nature of them. Still, Rey can’t keep this to herself anymore. It’s tearing her apart to try and understand this all on her own. 

“Rose—if I tell you this, will you promise not to tell anyone? Not even Finn?”

Rose sits up straight and crosses her fingers over her chest. “I promise. Absolutely I promise.”

Rey takes a deep breath. Talking about these things is good, right? She can’t hardly be expected to carry this all of the time by herself. Talaa and Jynna had been good friends to confide in for the short time she knew them, but they’re not here now. Rose is. And Rey has known—and trusted—Rose Tico much longer than the Knights of Ren. She can tell her, she’ll just have to change a few details. 

“Well, you were wondering if I was seeing someone on Lothal, and I told you it wasn’t true. And I didn’t lie, it wasn’t _exactly_ true…”

“You’re seeing someone?” Rose practically squeaks, she's so excited. 

“No, not really,” Rey amends. “Oh no, it’s just so complicated. I don’t even know how to explain this…”

“Start with the basics?” Rose suggests. Rey nods. She can do that.

“He’s a… mechanic, we met at a fueling station on my way to Lothal. I hated him at first— _loathed_ him. All we could ever do was fight. But we talked… a lot. Personal stuff.” She blushes. It all sounds so intimate when she lays it out in her mind… but it _isn’t,_ right? It can’t be… 

“Well, of course I couldn’t stay around. Besides, like I said, almost all we did was fight. Then we spent some time apart.”

“When you built your lightsaber?” Rose fills. 

“Right,” Rey nods. “When I was doing all of that mess we didn't talk at all. But then I saw him again, and it was… different. We still fought…. But I couldn’t get him out of my head, Rose. It was like he _belonged_ there, in my thoughts. I didn’t realize it for a while, but I think I was beginning to _like_ the bickering, the constant challenge. It made me feel more like myself then I’ve felt in a while.”

“Did you tell him?”

“No, not exactly….”

“Rey!” 

“How was I supposed to?” Rey groans. “How do you tell someone that you used to hate—and might still hate you—that you actually sort of… _like_ them now? It’s absurd, Rose. Absolutely absurd. I couldn’t do it! Honestly, my life would be so much simpler if it hadn’t happened.”

“But you’re happy it did,” Rose says softly. “Aren’t you, Rey? It’s complicated, but you’re glad it’s happened.”

“I am glad,” Rey says more to herself than to Rose. She shakes her head. “But it doesn't matter, because we are absolutely at odds and fighting right now, so there is nothing I can do but pretend it never happened.”

“You said it’s not a relationship, though?”

Rey shakes her head. “No. I don’t think he wants that. Not with me, at least. I’m not… the sort of person he’s looking for, I think.”

“Did you kiss him?”

Rey bites her lip. “Well… he kissed me, more like it. And I kissed him back. I was just about to leave the… fueling station, you see, right before arriving back here. And he came on the ship to say goodbye. I was thinking about telling him, but I just couldn’t. So we said our goodbyes, and in the very last moment he just… kissed me. And that was that.”

“And you’re telling me he’s _not_ wanting a relationship?” Rose raises an eyebrow. 

“Yes! I mean—we decided to be friends.” Rey trips up a bit over how to explain the next part, but it is important to the story.

“I… stayed at the fueling station overnight, when I was on my way back” Rey says. “The Falcon was getting repairs, you know? And he and I were talking, and we ended up… sharing a bed—before he kissed me.”

Rose shakes her head in awe. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me any of this! Do you know how dry the gossip has been lately? Everyone’s so busy with the war, and while you were gone I tried buddying up with Kaydel. _That_ didn’t end well, let me tell you. She’s very mischievous, that one. But _Rey,_ this is _huge_.”

“It’s not,” Rey complains. “It’s actually stressing me out quite a bit.”

“Why? You said he kissed you before you left!” Rose sighs empathetically. “You’re living a fairytale, Rey.”

“Did you not hear the part about the constant fighting? Or the fact that we aren’t really on speaking terms? We’re not a love story, Rose. I just… I wish I could get over it and move on with my life.”

“Do you want to?”

“What?”

“Do you really want to get over it?”

Rey frowns. Didn’t she just _say_ she wishes she could get over it?

“Rey,” Rose takes her friends hands into hers and gives a tight squeeze. “Loving is… the most complicated thing we'll ever do in our lives. The war? Nothing compared to what it is like to feel things for another person and not know if they share those feelings. Trust me, I’ve been through it.”

“I’m not in love,” Rey says. Loving doesn’t hurt. This _hurts._ Even if love is as confusing as Rose says, it shouldn’t threaten to shatter her. And it certainly shouldn’t be borne out of this at odds strangeness she’s developed with a former enemy. 

Rose nods. “That’s okay, too. Every relationship doesn’t need to be love. But Rey… if it’s been a month, and you still care… when this is over, you should go to him and tell him how you feel.”

“I can’t,” Rey says. “He—he doesn’t feel the same way.”

“Are you certain?”

“Yes.”

“Did he _say_ that?”

“He implied it.”

Rose looks exasperated, and equally as exhausted with the situation as Rey feels. 

“You need to work on your emotional radar,” Rose says. “Every conversation we have about feelings is honestly concerning.”

Rey laughs. “Thanks, Rose. I’ll take it up with the mechanics. See if anyone can reboot my _emotional radar_.”

Rose rolls her eyes. “You know what I mean. I’m just saying, is it possible that you could have… misread things? People do that sometimes, you know. We’re not all perfect.”

Rey shrugs. If she’s misread things with Kylo, she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do now. Last night, he was clearly cold with her. She had thought fostering an indifference between them was what _he_ wanted. Now, she isn’t so sure. Maybe her emotional radar _is_ a little messed up.

“This is new for us,” Rey says, “Actually, you know, talking about relationships. Usually it’s very one sided, or we’re talking about literally anything else.”

Rose smiles. “I like hearing what you’re feeling. You always listen to me, I want to listen to you, too.”

A surprising wave of emotion overcomes Rey, and she reaches out to hug her friend. Rose immediately hugs her back, and Rey swears she has never felt more securely cared about as she has in this moment. It should be impossible for people like Rose Tico to exist in real life—such goodness and care seems strange and impossible to Rey. After a second, Rose’s Commlink buzzes, and she pulls back to check it, then looks up at Rey. Immediately, Rey knows what that means. It’s time for them to go to Command. 

The day that the galaxy never thought it would see has arrived: Kylo Ren has Commed his mother to form an alliance. 


	40. Tide

All eyes fall upon the General of the Resistance. Leia Organa has stood at the head of many tables, commanded many great leaders, and executed many strategies. 

Never in her life has she had an audience such as captivated as the one here today. 

People don’t want war. Some people are born into war, and they are perhaps afraid to leave it behind, but they do not want it. Leia Organa has spent the majority of her life fighting forces at large or keeping them at bay. She has sacrificed many things—some things that perhaps should not have been sacrificed—for the good of the galaxy. 

Today, well, today there is a chance to change things. A shift in the tide of conflict can truly never be predicted, but today it is apparent that something is going to change. Kylo Ren is not in the favor of the Resistance, clearly, but an alliance… well that is a powerful thing. 

She looks into the faces of her commanders today with a fostered weariness that can only come from prolonged fighting. There isn’t optimism in war, there never was. Hope, yes, but not optimism. 

Rey, among the faces waiting with rabid anticipation, practically has to restrain herself from jumping out of her seat. Every move from here on out is going to have to be extremely deliberate if things are to go well. Kylo is right—she didn’t have a proper plan for how this would go. She wishes she could have one now. All Rey can do is be extremely alert and assessing at all times. 

Leia begins by thanking Rey for using her powers in the Forcee to reach out to Kylo Ren. Then, she gets to the part that everyone is waiting for. 

“I have received communication from Kylo Ren in regards to the matter of Hux,” Leia begins. 

Rey feels like she is going to be sick. She keeps silent.   
“He has offered,” Leia continues, “To _meet_ with us. A small committee to match his own representatives. I have assessed the situation and agreed to the terms.”

“You _agreed?_ ” Poe is affronted. “We never voted—”

“The _meeting_ is part of an _alliance_ , Dameron,” Leia says coolly. “And since we have agreed to move forward with this plan, we _will_ have to meet with him.”

Nobody contests this. 

Rey sits back quietly in her seat, not wanting to have to lead this conversation. When she and Rose arrived at Command, the room was already full. Rey still hasn’t worked out if this is a good thing or not. On one hand, she wants to speak privately with Leia and learn exactly what Kylo said to her. On the other hand, that is absolutely terrifying. 

Clearly, there are lots of contentions between mother and son. Rey isn’t involved in all that—she doesn’t _want_ to be. But she does hope that Ben’s desires to atone for some things could lead to an amicable relationship with his mother in the future. Rey would’ve given anything to have parents who wanted a relationship with her as a kid.

Rey turns her focus back to the whole table. With the exception of Poe, nobody looks surprised that Leia has gone ahead and secured this meeting. After all, with the nine day timeline starting to tick down, they really don’t have much time to sit around and argue over the best course of action. This alliance is their best chance to save lives. They have to do it. 

“I will be bringing four out of the eight of you,” Leia says. “That way, if he _does_ betray us, then we’ll at least have some people left who know how to lead.”

Everybody leans in eagerly to hear whom the general has selected. 

“It’ll be me, Rose, Kaydel, Finn, and Rey.” Leia glances at Rey. “For her expert skill in navigating to this difficult conclusion of action, but also for her Force abilities. Just in case we may need them.”

Poe objects instantly. “That’s just everyone who voted to work with him!”

“It’s _strategic,_ ” Leia counters. “As my second in command, I’m hard pressed to bring you along, Poe. Firstly, because I feel you might attempt to dismember our potential ally and that would _not_ go over well. But also because if I end up dead, you’re supposed to take over.”

“Are you sure about this, General?” Doctor Kalonia asks empathetically. It’s a loaded question coming from her, a person who probably remembers when Kylo Ren was only ever thought of as Ben Solo. 

Leia seems to lose her train of thought for a moment, but then she responds. 

“Yes, of course. I mean—what other choice do we have? He knows where the weapon is, and probably how to deactivate it, too. But we need the information and resources, and he needs our covert abilities. The relationship could be fleetingly symbiotic.”

“It’s our best shot,” Rose says. “Really, I think it is. Where does he want to meet?”

“Naboo.”

Rey ceases to breathe. _Naboo._ Out of all the places of the galaxy, out of all the _planets_ , he picks Naboo. She is completely and utterly vexed. 

“I’ll be sending Rey and Rose ahead of the rest of us to scout out the location,” Leia says. “Although… I have a feeling… that it will be safe.” 

The general seems to smile to herself, and Rey knows in her heart where Kylo has offered to meet his mother on Naboo: in the only place that is known to both of them. 

The lakehouse. 

Rose does not seem to see any strangeness in Rey’s expression, because she moves forward quickly with Leia to plan the details of their ‘ _scouting_ ’ and also the general transportation to Naboo. Rey and Rose will lead on the Falcon, with Finn, Kaydel, and Leia following on another Resistance ship. Should there be any problems, or the location deemed unsafe, the latter ship will turn around. As for Rey and Rose, well, they will just have to deal with the situation as fitting. 

“You two should go and get ready now,” Leia says. “I’m going to debrief those staying behind first, and then I’ll go over the guidelines of how we’re going to play this. For now, get the Falcon ready. You’ll be leaving in a few short hours.”

The next span of time is an arduous combination of preparing the Falcon and herself for the mission ahead. Rey is confident that the Falcon can survive the trip to Naboo and back. It is her she is worried about. The anticipation of seeing _him_ is eating away at her, especially after their last conversation went so poorly. Rey supposes it could’ve gone _worse_ , seeing as he did actually uphold his promise to contact Leia. 

Last time she saw him in person, things became incredibly fractured. Rey can feel the anxiety of a new interaction making her start to shake. She supposes that for any normal person, going on a mission to ally with an enemy would be terrifying enough to be buzzing and look green in the face. Rey just hopes that the true impetus of her nerves are masked to her friends, and that they just believe her to be nervous about seeing someone who has tried to kill her before. 

Rose, for her part, leaves their earlier conversation about _the mechanic_ in the dust. Once the mission has begun, she becomes incredibly focused on the task and does not move to casual conversation again. Rey worries this might change when they have alone time together on the Falcon, but she can’t be so sure. Psychoanalyzing the complexities of her relationship with Kylo is _not_ the way to calm her nerves before seeing him again. 

She keeps telling herself to not be afraid. Fear is possibly the worst thing to hold onto right now, seeing as everything is about to get more complicated and dangerous. _People are watching me,_ Rey reminds herself. _I need to be their light, their hope. I cannot waver. This is my plan._ Rey pushes her anxiety farther and farther away, trying to convince herself it doesn’t matter. 

Leia, Finn, Rose, Rey, and Kaydel all meet in command together just before Rose and Rey are set to depart. The latter group is set to leave two hours later. 

“Kylo Ren intends to arrive on Naboo at sunset,” Leia says. “This means you two should have about an hour to sweep the property and return to the Falcon before he arrives. Do not put anything out of place. Just check for microphone bugs, weapons, or anything that might be of suspicion. We won’t be there long, but I do not want any mishaps at this meeting.”

Rose and Rey agree. 

“And all of you,” Leia continues, “Are expected to act with… oh, how do I say this? Alright, I’m expecting a level of _decorum_ from all of you. Dameron could never do it.”

Finn frowns. “Decorum?”

“She means not calling Kylo Ren on his shit,” Rose says. “Or trying to kill him. This alliance could be an asset for us. We need to keep it in check.”

“What if he attacks?” Kaydel asks. “Surely we will defend ourselves in that situation?”

Leia nods. “Kylo Ren and his associates have agreed to a general policy of amnesty while negotiating and stopping Hux. But… if he goes back on this, yes. We will defend ourselves. I am not suggesting we go in unarmed.”

“He’ll be armed,” Rey says. “He doesn’t go anywhere without that flashy lightsaber.”

Finn snorts. “It’s like a fashion accessory.”

_"That_ ,” Leia butts in, “Is the sort of commend I expect you _not_ to make.” She tries to suppress a grin. “Even if his lightsaber is… _flashy._ We’re going to be professionals. All of us. And Rey—I’ll be having you watch everything closely. Monitoring it all so that we’re safe.”

Rey nods. She knows, of course, that Kylo is not going to try anything at this meeting. He needs this alliance just as much as they do. 

“I know this is a risk,” Rey says. “And the fact that you’re all trusting me enough to see the possibility in this is important to me.”

She leans forward at the table, taking in each of their faces. 

“This might be our opportunity to change things,” she says. “We all want this war to end. We’ve been looking for that ripple to make it happen. Let’s _make this_ the change. Take down Hux, and then… we figure it out from there. But I’ve searched the Force and tried to find answers. I believe this is the best way to do this.”

At the head of the table, Rey sees Leia’s eyes shine with something like pride. 

“Rey’s right,” Rose jumps in. “I mean, I don’t have the Force or anything, so I can’t find answers like she can. But we need to try something new if something is going to change. Let’s take down Hux. The fact that Kylo Ren is even willing to meet with us means something is shifting. Let’s use it to our advantage.”

Everybody agrees. 

Leia goes over a few more specifics outlining their demands for Kylo Ren. Firstly, they are not willing to extend this alliance into any sort of co-governance compromise if they are able to take out Hux. This would call for more negotiation after the nine day timeline has ended. Rey can understand why they don’t want to share power with a person like Kylo Ren. He doesn't want to share it with _them._ This alliance is temporary. It is to solve the problem right in front of them. 

She and Rose head for the Falcon together with packed bags just in case they are required to make any emergency stops. Always overprotective of her few belongings, Rey packs everything valuable to her. She stores the Jedi texts on the Falcon. Rey ties her hair back into a trio of buns—a comforting hairstyle, one she used to practice often. Her lightsaber is clasped at her hip. This departure feels different. While last time she had full intent to return immediately, the Force had guided her differently. Today, Rey can’t help but shake the sinking feeling that she won’t be seeing this base again at least until after the weapon is destroyed. This doesn’t make any sense, seeing as their negotiations and planning will not take the nine days they have until the weapon is fired. Ideally, they’ll trade information and then Rey will return to base to make sure the ships are polished up for whatever style of attack the Resistance has decided on. Perhaps she’ll be flying at the weapon, too. She isn’t sure exactly how it will go. 

Still, Rey leaves base with a mixed feeling of freedom and a longing to stay. Perhaps if she could keep herself here, nothing would ever change and her secrets would never be discovered. She could put this thing with Kylo Ren entirely in the past and they could keep on fighting this war the same way they always had. 

This is implausible, though, seeing as there is too much at stake. She’ll have to risk everything that matters to her for the possibility of saving lives. There is no other choice. 

\---

Naboo, as expected, is still utterly stunning in the late afternoon light. Rey docks the Falcon in the fields not far from Leia’s coordinates for the lakehouse. She and Rose traverse the field until they come up upon the beautiful home and glistening lake. 

Rose catches her breath. “It’s beautiful,” she says. “I—Leia says they used to come here when Kylo Ren was young?”

Rey nods. Leia had shared her attachment to the location with the team before departure. 

“Wow,” Rose says. “My childhood was _nothing_ like this. Kylo Ren had it nice.”

“Mine either,” Rey adds. They stare out at the lake for a moment more, and Rey feels a regret filling inside her that she never got to know more about Kylo’s childhood here. Of course, she had never _asked,_ seeing as talking about the past seems to be a difficult subject for him. But she would be interested to know more about growing up in the house of Han Solo and Leia Organa. 

They enter the lakehouse together, and Rose immediately begins sweeping it for bugs or weaponry. Pretty quickly they find—as Rey suspected—a virtually untouched space. The lakehouse has not been set up to harm them. After this quick realization, the two take to just exploring the house a bit more leisurely. It’s strange for Rey, of course, as they open each door of the house and peek inside. She sees the standard guest rooms where the Knights stayed—all pristine—the library, and Kylo’s bedroom. This make’s Rey’s heart drop into her stomach. Of course, she never spent much time here. But she can’t shake knowing the fact that the room is _his_ . That this is _his bed._

Finally, they make their way to the door at the end of the hallway. Rose swings it open and Rey is bombarded with images of a former life. Her room is exactly as she left it, seldom a change made except perhaps that it looks like it’s been cleaned. 

The four poster bed with white gauzy drapes seems to shine in the sunlight. It looks like a place from a dream—or rather, a place of total serenity. 

“This looks like it was Han and Leia’s old room,” Rose says softly. 

Rey frowns. “What? No—why would you say that?”

Rose shrugs. “Well, it’s significantly bigger than all the other bedrooms. And it has that little balcony with a bench. Looks like the type of place you’d want to be with another person”

She pulls Rey outside. They look out at the view of the lake. 

“This must be so hard for Leia,” Rose says. “Can you imagine your son killing your husband? I mean, I don’t know how she’s strong enough to handle seeing him again.”

“Yeah.” Rey feels like she’s going to be sick. Why didn’t she notice this was Leia and Han’s old room? She didn’t even _think_ about it. She’d woken up in that bed and just accepted this to be her room. And—kriff—she’d invited Kylo to _stay_ in here with her. As if… 

“I think he must feel guilty, you know? You can’t kill a parent and not feel the weight of it at least a little bit. It’s probably tearing him apart.”

_Lots of things are tearing him apart,_ Rey thinks. More things than even _she_ knows. 

“Rose,” Rey turns to her friend. “Let’s check downstairs. We need to get out of here before Kylo Ren gets here.”

Rose doesn't want to leave the balcony, or the view, but Rey drags her back down the hall and downstairs. Rey rushes them through each room and doesn’t leave any time for Rose to give her personal opinion on the home or Kylo’s family life. Rey just doesn’t want to hear it. After being dragged down the last hallway, Rose spins in front of Rey to step in front of the last door. 

“What’s up with you? We’ve got plenty of time.”

“I just don’t want to be here when he gets here,” Rey says. And it’s true. She doesn't even know how she's going to face him later. 

Rose looks suspicious. “Is there something you aren’t telling me?”

Rey is irritated. “Rose, not _everything_ is a conspiracy, alright? It’s going to be uncomfortable enough to have this meeting, the last thing we want is to be _caught snooping_ before the alliance can even begin. I just want to get out of here. Now come on, let’s just check out the kitchen—” Rey turns the handle and swings the door open. Rose frowns. 

“How did you know this was the kitchen?” She asks. 

_Shit._ Oh, shit. 

“Process of elimination,” Rey says quickly, not daring to look at her friend. “What else would it be?”

Rose walks past her and into the white walled room. Rey can feel her heartbeat pounding in her ears. That was close— _too close._ What happens when she’s in this room with Rose and reaches for the cabinet of mugs without asking first? Rose will know. _Everyone_ will know. 

Rose walks over to the wall of cabinets and opens one. 

“It’s stocked,” she says. “Do you think he's been here recently?”

“It’s probably always ready for him.”

“Right.”

Rose runs her hands across all of the counters and Rey checks the table for any microphone plants. They find nothing. 

“Well, it looks like Kylo Ren is serious about this,” Rose says. 

Rey nods. As time passes, she feels her skin beginning to itch. She’s going to be living the most impossible lie, right in the face of the people she cares about most—lying about not knowing Kylo Ren for her friends, and lying about not caring about him for Kylo. She’s already made the mistake of letting her indifference slip once. Rey can’t let that happen tonight. 

“I don’t think he would make an offer like this lightly. He seems rather… intense in his political convictions,” Rey says. “He must need this. If Hux blames the deaths of Coruscant on him, his whole reputation of orderliness would be shattered.”

“Intense is almost too dull a word for what he is. I will never understand how you could grow up in Leia Organa’s home and think the type of power he wants is the answer to the galaxy’s problems.”

“I think it’s all about fear,” Rey says. “If you leave things to other people, they might mess it up.”

Rose shakes her head. “I mean, you can’t spend your life afraid of mistakes. Sure, if people are led to make their own choices, they might make mistakes. But, they also might get it right.”

Rey watches a glimmer of hope pass across Rose’s face. 

“And Kylo Ren is wrong to deny the people of the galaxy that chance, no matter how scared it makes him.”

Rey considers this opinion. Of course, she understands that fear within Kylo. She can’t deny their similarity in fear of other people. How can you trust someone to make choices when you don’t understand them? It would be easier to have that tight hold, to control everything and decide everything yourself. 

But Rey thinks she is more in the favor of relinquishing that hold. If she had never left Jakku, if this war had never taken itself to her doorstep, she wouldn’t have any sort of empathy for Kylo Ren’s position. It is only that she _knows_ him that sways her. 

Jakku, for all it’s plight, showed Rey what it’s like to be part of a powerless system. Even in the Republic era, nobody was sweeping in to offer them aid. All the same, the First Order was not a prime samaritan of the planet—that is, until Kylo decided to build infrastructure there for whatever reason. So if the old and the new are only willing to take but never give, what is the best alternative? How can an arid desert, junk trading, and mining planet sustain itself in this new era? She might hate the place, but it is _her._ There are people born onto or left on planets like Jakku all across the galaxy. Little people. 

Little people should not be left behind so that the Resistance and First Order can continue to play their political games. 

She needs to think more. The time is going to come where people will be asking the so-called Jedi to boost their ideals. Rey must make sure she knows _her_ position when the moment arises for her to speak up. . 

Rey and Rose make their way back to the shuttle to pass the time before sundown. Rey sits in the main hold with Rose, who is working on something on her datapad related to Hux communications, but eventually she can’t stand it anymore. She has to be alone—now. 

Rey gets up quickly. 

“Where are you going?” Rose frowns. 

“I need a nap,” Rey supplies. “Long day.”

Rose studies her for a long moment, then shrugs. “Okay, but I think Leia’s going to Comm us soon and—”

Rey doesn't hear the rest, she’s already off on her way towards the cabin with crew bunks. 

As soon as she’s alone, Rey presses her back against the door of the Falcon and starts to sob. Soon, she’s going to have to wrap herself up again and be this presentable person that’s strong enough to lead a seemingly impossible discussion. But it’s been days—weeks, even—of trying to present herself as this person that can handle the fate of the universe undaunted. Are Jedi not human? She has no idea how Leia does it, how she seems so poised and prepared and _fearless_ all of the time, even when the odds of success are so slim you can barely see them. Rey just—she needs this moment for herself to feel the weight of fear that is so heavy inside her. 

Everything could go to shit. She’s been trying to tell herself it won’t—to be the _hope_ , the _light_ —but the fact of the matter stands is that the situation is practically designed to shatter. 

Optimism, in many situations, has been her way to feel unfeeling. Looking on the bright side makes it not so difficult to see the darkness that’s within every situation. But sometimes, holding onto that light when it doesn’t make sense anymore is a dangerous thing. Rey knows that the most treacherous belief she holds is that things are destined to work out in the end. It’s what kept her on Jakku, pushd her to Luke, and sent her to _Supremacy._ After every failure, she just works to convince herself that the next thing is going to work out. And, well, it’s _exhausting._

She just wants to be a person. She just wants to be afraid and it not be the most terrible thing in the world. Holding that fear back, well, it’s nearly impossible now. 

So Rey allows herself this moment to be afraid—afraid of failure, afraid of defeat, and afraid of being lonely in the end. The feeling seeps throughout her body and she slides down the wall to sit and press her face to her curled up knees. 

This could be it, this could be the end. 

And beneath it all, there is this selfish fear of seeing _him._ Not far from here, Kylo and Rey had kissed and departed. The moment had felt like piercing clarity, tying her to him in new ways she never thought possible. But he had ignored it, made it miniscule, and for what reason? She doesn’t want to face him and his cold passivity, doesn’t want to look at his face and see that she doesn’t _matter_ to him as she had convinced herself she does. 

There are billions of people in this galaxy, and Rey just had to go and get herself mixed up in the most complicated situation in the history of the universe. It feels impossible to even _consider_ seeing him again after their history, but she is about to do it anyway. Why? Because there’s no other option at this point besides running away, and that would be giving into fear. There is a difference, Rey thinks, between allowing oneself to be afraid and submitting to fear entirely. The first is natural, feasible. The second is a characteristic of the dark—one attribute she does _not_ intend to latch on to. Rey has thought a lot about the Force in these past few months, and she now is beginning to see more clearly where Kylo Ren is wrong. 

He is wrong in letting the Dark be all he is. He is wrong in allowing fear and anger to be the only things that give him power. 

And yet Rey has been wrong, too. For far too long she has pushed down everything inside her that is passionate in favor of peace. Now, she knows the real value in the Dark side of the Force comes in acknowledging the fear that lives inside her. The difference is that she will not let it be all that she is. 

“Rey?” Rose knocks on the door, unaware of the situation on the inside. “Are you ready? We just got a call from the other ship. It’s time to go.”

Rey takes a few deep breaths and rubs her swollen eyes. She doesn’t know if she can do this, but that doesn’t mean that she won’t try. And so she rises, releasing her fear into the light of day so that it is not a haunting ghost but a known, tangible thing. The fear watches her, and she watches it. It is okay to be afraid, but it is not all that she will be. 

She is going to be brave. And she is going to try with her whole heart to make things right. 

“Rose, I’m ready.”


	41. Alliance

The lakehouse feels impossibly foreign upon reapproach. Rey walks alongside Kaydel in silence. Finn, Leia, and Rose trail slightly behind, talking in hushed voices. Rey knows the skinny around her eyes looked wet and puffy when she rejoined Rose in the main hold of the Falcon. Rose, to her credit, had not said a word. But Rey could read the concern on her friend’s face plain as day.

No doubt the three are theorizing what could’ve upset her so much. Luckily, Kaydel is more interested in the mission than the fact that Rey has been crying, so she has no issue walking to the house in silence.

Rey and Kaydel step through the front doors and into the Foyer. Immediately, Talaa Ren is waiting for them. 

But she isn’t the Talaa Ren Rey knows. Upon looking at the woman, you would never consider her to be a gossip, or a bit snappy, or to drink too much firewater and lose herself dancing. No, Rey supposes if _this_ was the Talaa Ren she met, she would have been completely and utterly terrified. 

As if emulating her thoughts, Kaydel tenses beside Rey. It is the slightest of movements, but Rey knows that the Knight notices. 

Dark energy echoes off of Talaa Ren in robust waves. Thick tendrils of her power spiral through the room and lay over Rey’s skin. Kylo must’ve asked Talaa to put on a real show, Rey thinks, just in case the Resistance walks into this meeting with a brazen attitude. 

“Jedi and companion,” Talaa says as a way of greeting. Rey nearly snorts. Kaydel should hardly be watered down to her _companion._ She’s one of the sharpest Resistance members. And Rey isn’t a Jedi herself. Of course, though, this is all for appearances, so Rey says nothing. Talaa’s cold, dark eyes focus on Rey entirely. “I am Talaa Ren, of the Knights of Ren. I must ask that you respect the laid out terms of civility during negotiations. If not, my Master will be most displeased, and your friends will suffer.”

“Rest assured I have no intention of inciting any violence,” Rey says brazenly. “As long as the Supreme Leader can keep himself in check, we shall see no problems.”

Beside her, Kaydel’s eyes widen with anxiety. Okay, perhaps Rey played up that Jedi fearlessness a bit _too much_ there. Kaydel looks like she might faint at the sight of Talaa Ren.

Not a moment later, Finn, Rose, and Leia enter the foyer. Talaa surveys them all equally, and opens her mouth to begin the speech over again. But before she can speak, Rose Tico fiercely asserts the first word. 

“Who are you?”

“I am Talaa Ren, of the Knights of Ren. I must ask—”

“Where is Kylo Ren?”

Talaa looks positively _miffed,_ which again makes Rey want to laugh. Rose, for her part, seems unconcerned by any irritation she has caused the Knight. Beside her, Finn looks like he is going to vomit. Leia is just assessing the scene. 

“I will take you to him now,” Talaa says, and they all head down the hallway together towards the kitchen. 

Rose enters first, followed by Finn and Kaydel. Before entering the room, Leia leans over and whispers to Rey.

“Stick to the wall,” she says. 

Rey is last in the room, and immediately upon entry, her eyes find Kylo Ren. He’s _staring_ at her—staring like the rest of the room doesn’t exist, like the rest of the _galaxy_ doesn’t exist. And Rey, despite her best efforts of indifference, stares back. 

If it is possible to describe a person in one word—an improbability, likely, seeing as far as Rey can tell, people are much more than what can be encapsulated as one thing—but if they could, perhaps, be spoken of this way, she would consider the word for Ben to be _poignant._

It arises in the way he carries himself—straightened shoulders and furrowed brows and soft conversation. He stringlently holds himself with a dour regality that seems to be undone by nothing—except perhaps her, on more intimate occasions.

He looks at her, and she looks at him, and there is this quiet grace in his posture that overwhelms her. How can one person pull you in and yet push you away all at once? She wishes that she could just look away, that the subtle sullen power of his expression and gestures would have no effect on her, but it just isn’t the truth. Rey cannot help but stare at Kylo Ren, and, for reasons she does not understand, he cannot help but stare back. 

If anyone else in the room notices the extent of their eye contact, they do not say a thing. 

He has not brought all of the Knights with him. Some, Rey supposes, still have to run the Order while this takes place. Annik and Maro Ren are nowhere to be found. 

Talaa takes her place standing at the wall behind Kylo, next to Jaina Ren and directly opposite Rey. Sitting at Kylo’s left at the kitchen table is Jynna Ren. Sola sits to his right.

“Thank you for your hospitality, Supreme Leader,” Leia says. She doesn’t mention that this is also technically _her_ house, and she doesn’t call him Ben, either. Rey had thought to mention to Leia that referring to Kylo as Ben in front of his Knights would not set a good tone for this meeting, but she had forgotten. 

A memory of his words rush back to her. _Names are everything. One day, you’ll understand, scavenger. But the way we allow others to address us is the deepest reflection of how we see ourselves._

Luckily, the General is ever the diplomat, and does not pull to use the name that holds so much weight with him.

He is still staring at Rey when Leia speaks, and Rey wishes with all her heart that he would just _look away._ She doesn’t want to look at him, doesn’t want to _think_ about everything—

Kylo snaps his head back to the table. 

“Let us get right to it, then, General,” Kylo says, matching Leia’s formality. _They’re so alike,_ Rey realizes. Kylo certainly doesn’t earn his air of regaliness from Han. No, it is the grace of Leia Organa that shows so strongly today. 

“After our conversation over Commlink, I feel it is prudent that we move forward with a short-term nine day alliance. This, of course, relies on your Resistance members being able to _behave_ themselves.”

By the wall, Rey rolls her eyes. Does he need to be so kriffing dramatic?

“I assure you, Supreme Leader, that the Resistance members are wholeheartedly committed to the terms we have discussed.”

This, Rey assumes, is the nonviolence Leia has talked to them about. Basically, they are to work together without any undermining plays. After nine days, well, they will have to renegotiate what happens next. 

“However,” Leia continues, “this is no _one sided_ agreement. I trust that your overly obedient soldiers will remain obedient to the nine days. Rather, I trust that _you_ have no intention of going out on your word?”

Kylo grits his teeth. “You have my word, General. Armitage Hux threatens a senseless loss of lie, and the _true_ First Order absconds this sort of action.”

They do not speak like mother and son. It breaks Rey’s heart to see in person just how truly apart the two actually are. 

“Let us move forward, then,” Kylo says. “Even with the information we’ve gathered, the First Order is not in position to make a… _covert_ attack.”

“And what information is it that you have?” Rose asks pointedly. 

Kylo surveys Rose for a moment, and Rey is dying to dip into his head and know what he thinks. Of course, she does not pull on the bond now. It would be inappropriate given all that has happened.

“Coordinates,” he says. “And blueprints of the weapon and it’s operating systems.”

“So you could shut it down if you wanted,” Rose says. “Why do you need us?”  
It’s quite a direct question, and probably not one that Kylo was expecting. Rey thinks he would much rather look like he is extending help to the Resistance, not the other way around. That would be better for his image, and image is everything to a man who calls himself Supreme Leader and intends to one day be Emperor. 

“Like I was saying, this needs to be _covert,_ but Hux will be monitoring my ships very closely. I cannot launch a full scale attack unbeknownst to him. Our systems are still too intertwined for that to go undetected.”

This time, Leia asserts herself again. “The Resistance is willing to offer our pilots for the task in exchange for information on the weapon.”

“It is not that simple,” Kylo says. “We cannot just blow it up, as you people like to do.”

“You people?” Rose narrows her eyes. Leia shoots her a sharp look, then turns back to Kylo. _Decorum,_ Rey says in her own head, as if Rose could even hear her. _We have to show decorum._

“There is a failsafe switch, in case the shields of the weapon are compromised. It will explode, leaving you all as good as dead if you try to blow it up without turning off that switch.”

Rey leans forward, intrigued. They would _never_ have known about the failsafe without Kylo saying so. By revealing this, he is really beginning to commit to the fact that there will be an alliance between them. Leia seems to sense this, too, as she pushes more. 

“Where is it?”

“On _Absolution_.”

“Do you control that ship?”

“Not anymore. Hux has taken it as his flagship of sorts.”

The Resistance members all look dejected. How are they to get onto _Absolution_ unnoticed? Flying in and destroying a weapon is one thing, but infiltrating a massive ship for a tiny failsafe switch is a highly complicated operation.

“You have to get to the switch,” Rose says, looking at Kylo. Rey leans in from her spot on the wall, intrigued. Rose continues. “Hux is watching you, so let him watch. Go to _Absolution._ Be a diversion,. And then one of your Knights can turn off the switch. We’ll stand by to blow that thing up the minute it’s safe.”

Kylo raises an eyebrow, as if scrutinizing, but Rey knows his face well enough by now to see the slight quirk of his upper lip. He’s _impressed_ at how quickly Rose figured that out, although he would never admit to it. 

“You want me to put my life on the line, announce myself in the epicenter of my opposition, to help the Resistance?”

Oh, Rey knows he’s just being dramatic now. He _likes_ this plan. It’s risky—probably unlike anything he’s done in ages. But that change makes it all the more exciting. 

“I want you to help the galaxy,” Rose says. “That’s what you’re supposedly all about, right? Bringing order to the galaxy? If you’re not willing to risk your life for that, then you’re just—”

Leia places a hand on Rose’s shoulder and she quiets down. 

“Rose, while enthusiastic, makes a great point. We are willing to negotiate this short-term alliance in favor of saving innocent lives, Supreme Leader. I must ask if this is also your priority.”

Kylo does not hesitate to answer. 

“Yes, it is.”

Leia leans back in her seat. “Right, then—”

“—how can we trust he’ll really take down the failsafe?” Rey turns her head to look at the new speaker: Finn. “I mean, he could very well _tell_ us he has, and send us into a trap. We’d all be blown up.”

“I am sure, Finn, that the Supreme Leader’s intentions are not to—”

“The man is right,” Jynna Ren interjects. “If there is an alliance, there must be accountability. After all, if Master Ren is willing to risk his life to switch off the failsafe, how can we be sure the Resistance truly intends to destroy the weapon? This could merely be a plot to push him to risk his life on _Absolution.”_

Both sides fall into the rut of untrustworthiness. Rey can understand each perspective. How can anyone work with someone who has always been out to get them? How can the Resistance just _trust_ that Kylo will follow through? Her word is hardly enough. 

“A liaison, then, General,” Kylo says. “One of your Resistance crew returns to _Supremacy_ with me for the week, assisting with dismantling the failsafe. With one of your people on the inside, surely you can trust that this is no scam.”

There are shifts and murmurs on both sides. _A liaison._ Kriff, it’s a logical plan, but not a favorable one for whoever will have to do the job. The Resistance will feel much better about the attack if they receive the go-ahead from someone like Rose instead of a Knight of Ren. 

“Are we to take in one of your… Knights as well?” Leia asks. None of the Knights of Ren look particularly excited at the prospect. 

“If you’d like,” Kylo says. “Though I assume you won’t want one. The Resistance liaison will be free to communicate between us as you see fit.”

Leia nods. “Right. I agree, this is needed. However, if one of my people is to go to you with the expectation of returning unharmed after nine days, I must insist one of your Knights come to us as well. For… security.”

Kylo clearly was not expecting this, but he smooths over it quickly. “Of course, General. Sola Ren will work with your Resistance pilots to plan this attack.”

Sola Ren, for her part, does not look pleased at this situation. Rey isn’t quite looking forward to having a Knight around at base, either. She’s sure Sola won’t reveal her identity, seen as she is devoted to Kylo, but still, it isn’t going to be a super friendly situation. 

Leia turns to look at the three Resistance members sitting beside her. She doesn't even look back at Rey, does not even consider her. Who is the best choice to be the liaison between the First Order and Resistance? Out of the available people, there is an obvious choice. 

“Finn, will you accompany the Knights back to _Supremacy_ and oversee preparations being made there?”

Finn looks taken aback. “I—I can’t leave my people for that long,” he says. _My people_ are of course the former Troopers, some of which have probably slipped out of Kylo’s ranks. But Rey sees on Finn’s face that it is more than not wanting to abandon the people he’s helping. Finn doesn’t want to return to where he started. Rey can empathize with that deeply. If someone asked her to go undercover on Jakku, she would tell them to go to hell. 

“Very well, you’re probably right,” Leia says. She turns herself back to face Kylo. “If you’d just give us a moment, we can decide who—”

“What about the Jedi?” Kylo blurts, the words escaping his mouth rather quickly, as if he had been waiting to say them. 

Rey freezes, and all eyes fall on her. 

“She’s one of you, is she not? We’ve seldom heard from her today.”

Leia turns back to look at Rey, then returns to face Kylo. 

“I’m not sure Rey is a wise choice to be amiable given your… history.”

Behind Kylo, Talaa Ren looks like she’s going to laugh. Rey shoots her a warning glare and she suppresses it. 

“Surely she can extend some of that Jedi stewardship for just a few days? Besides, another Force user might be needed to infiltrate _Absolution._ The Jedi is the best option. _”_

“No,” a voice blurts, but it isn't Rey. Kaydel, who has not said a word since coming face to face with Talaa Ren, speaks up. 

“You don’t just get to _decide_ ,” Kaydel says. “If Rey wants to go, she’ll go.”

Rey doesn’t know if she wants to go… to _Supremacy?_ With _him_ ? For a _week?_ It’s all too much to process right now. What would she _do_ there? Besides, she’s on the First Order wanted list. They all are. Wouldn’t any Resistance member on _Supremacy_ be a problem?

And yet, at the same time, she sees the inevitability of it. Rey isn’t going to surrender any of her other friends to being the liaison. Truthfully, she is the safest one to go, seeing as she knows Kylo isn’t going to try and disillusion her. He _can’t._

“It’s up to you, Rey,” Leia says. 

Rey straightens her shoulders. She is not going to look weak, not in front of Kylo Ren. 

“I’ll do it, I’ll go.”

Nobody looks particularly happy about the arrangement, although Rey swears she feels a strong feeling flare in the bond. She ignores it. 

“Let’s adjourn for now,” Kylo says. “I must speak with my Knights in my study. The house is open to you, if you need to rest.” Indeed, Rey had been so sucked into their conversation that she had forgotten night had fallen. 

“We will reconvene here in two hours,” he commands. 

After the Knights file out, the remaining Resistance members stare at each other, dumbfounded. 

“We’re really going to do this?” Finn asks. “I mean, this is handing Rey right over to Kylo Ren—”

“If he tries anything, I’ll kill him first,” Rey says. It’s a lie. She could never kill him, not anymore. But the sentiment assuages her friends. 

“Kylo Ren is highly protective of his Knights,” Leia says. “He would never harm Rey out of fear we would do the same to Maro Ren. Rey is just going to have to shoulder her way through this, unfortunately. I have full confidence that she will walk out of this alive, as will the citizens of Coruscant.”

Kaydel looks furious with Leia. “What happened to protecting ourselves, trying to live long lives? This isn’t protecting Rey’s best interests at all, or the Resistance for that matter. Forget the alliance, we can try to do this alone. We need Rey.”

“Calculated risks, Kaydel. It’s not ideal, but we’ve _never_ had eyes in the First Order quite like this. Rey has a real opportunity here.”

Rey is still leaning against the wall, slightly out of the fray. Her brain feels fuzzy from this new realization. She is going to go back with Ben. She’s going to the kriffing _First Order,_ the one place she swore to herself she would never go again. It’s all complete madness. 

Leia smiles weakly to all of them. “You all should get some rest,” she says. “When the negotiations are over, we’re going to be taking back off immediately to start preparing for the assault. I trust Kylo Ren will hand over the rest of the information he has about the weapon now that the logistics are settled. We can handle the assault on our own while Rey makes sure that failsafe switch is turned off.”

Rose, Kaydel, and Finn all agree to go get some rest. Not in the house, though, seeing as the Knights of Ren are still here and not exactly trustworthy in their eyes. They decide to retire to the _Falcon_ for a while. Leia, for her part, insists that she’s just going to stay in the kitchen. 

“I have some thinking to do,” she says. “Leave me be. I can sense I will be fine.”

Nobody feels quite comfortable leaving her in this house alone, though, so Rey volunteers to stay behind. 

After the other three have departed, Leia briefly closes her eyes. 

“I have always known my son was alive,” she says softly, and Rey stills in her spot. “But to see him like this… it is something else entirely.”

She opens her eyes and fixes them on Rey. “There is Light in him. Do you sense it?”

Rey nods. The Light within him is what called her to the _Finalizer_ a year ago. Still now, she can sense this small kernel within him. 

“He is… pragmatic,” Rey responds. “I think he no longer completely pushes the Light out because it could be useful to him. Now—doing this good thing—it is a calculation.”

“Calculation, right,” Leia looks pensive. “You are very perceptive, Rey.”

She blushes. “Oh, no. I just—”

_I just know him better than I know anyone else._

“General, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“After you had B—Kylo, you were in the Senate, right?”

“I was.”

Rey has been trying to understand Kylo’s abhorrence of a Senate. It is—she thinks—the main thing that keeps him from even considering a compromise. Perhaps Leia’s experience there could shed a bit of light. 

“And did that keep you busy?”

Leia looks at her sadly. “One of my greatest mistakes in life, Rey, is the amount of space I allowed my work to put between me and my son.”

 _Oh._ She wasn’t expecting an answer that… personal. Rey shifts uncomfortably on her feet. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“No, it’s okay. It’s just… there was so much to fix, and so much to build. I—I thought I could be at the forefront of that and be there for Ben. At some point, I lost that balance between being a Senator and being his mother.”

“But he still had Han,” Rey replies, trying to assuage the woman’s guilt. “You didn’t leave him _alone_ —”

“Han never understood him. Ben was much more inward than his father. And all the Force business… well it was never something Han ever understood. Sometimes I think he didn’t _want_ to understand it.”

Rey frowns. “But Han was so—”

“Charming? Exciting?” Leia raises an eyebrow. 

Rey flusters. She hardly knew Han long enough to make any assumptions on what kind of _father_ he was, but she did like him. He felt like the sort of person who cared deeply but didn’t want others to know.

“I liked him,” Rey says plainly. 

Leia snorts. “Women _always_ like Han Solo. Even if they say they hate him… they like him.”

Again, Leia looks off pensively. “I’m not saying Han and I didn’t love Ben. We did. I do. It’s just—I wish we had done a better job of letting him see it.”

Rey decides it might be time for her to leave Leia alone with her thoughts. 

“I’m going to explore the house,” she says. “Call me if you need me.” 

The General nods like she barely heard her. 

\---

Rey doesn’t go near Kylo’s study where the Knights are supposedly meeting. Instead, she makes her way towards the old bedroom where she had once stayed. Rey opens the door and moonlight shines in. She just wants a minute to herself to process what is going to happen. Rey steps inside… and runs squarely into Kylo Ren. 

“Oh!”

He is standing in the middle of the room, seemingly leaving as she was entering. Kylo pulls back slightly, his hands on her forearms. 

“Sorry,” she says. “I didn’t mean to—”

“No, I was just leaving.” He releases hold of her and passes by towards the door. Rey feels the heat of his touch on her arms lingering. 

“Ben.”

He pauses with his hand on the door handle. Rey takes a deep breath. 

“This isn’t going to work if we can’t speak to each other. Especially if I’m to be your… Resistance liaison.”

Kylo turns back to face her. “We won’t have to talk much.”

Anger flares in Rey’s chest. “Then why did you ask for me? You could’ve said Rose, or Kaydel. They’re both capable of operating a Comm and shutting off a switch. But you suggested _me._ ”

“The Force—”

“Might be needed to get onto _Absolution,_ I know. But that doesn’t require me to be the go-between for the First Order and Resistance. Why drag me into it if you're just going to ignore me the entire time?”

“I’ve told you many times that I value your opinion. That still stands.”

“Yes, but…”

“I can’t do this without you,” he says honestly. “And… I don’t want to.”

Rey is taken aback. She looks at him—really _looks,_ and it feels like her heart is being gutted. She quickly turns away, and a dull silence fills the room. She wonders if her friends have made it back to the Falcon yet. Rey wishes she could sleep herself, but that would never be possible. Not with him so near. She runs her hand against the smooth wooden frame of the bed. 

“It feels like a lifetime ago that I was last here,” Rey says at last. They’d _slept_ here together, like _people who care about each other._ She can still marvel at the absurdity—and at the time, odd perfection—of the moments shared in this room.

“It’s scarcely been a month,” Kylo says. “Surely the memory hasn’t faded so quickly?”

No, it hasn’t. Rey remembers it all in perfect detail—the way the sun shined on the lake, and the feeling of his arm draped around her waist in the morning. Of course she remembers, but it feels so unattainable and distant now, like some sort of fantasy. Rey suddenly turns back to him.

“Why did we let it get so far, Ben? Why did we let it feel like…”  
“Like it mattered?” Kylo asks softly. He knows exactly what _it_ they’re talking about. Rey looks up earnestly, examining the curvature of his face. 

“I was not under the impression that anything that happened here was too much,” Kylo says. “I offered you sanctuary, you stayed, and it seems you want to remember the time as nothing more than that. I will respect this, of course—”

“ _I_ remember it as nothing more?” She is incredulous. “I haven't stopped _thinking_ about it, about _everything,_ since the moment I got on that ship with you on Lothal. _You_ are the one who doesn’t care.”

Kylo looks at her seriously. “Never in my life have I not cared about you,” he says. “Never in my life have I been _indifferent._ ”

Rey scoffs. “The whole month after I left—”

“After _you_ left, Rey. _You_.”

This stops Rey in her tracks. She looks up at Kylo’s face to find it looking surprisingly hurt. Does he—no, he’s just trying to egg her on. 

“You let me leave,” she counters. “I said I couldn’t stay, and you could’ve just let me go at that. But you couldn’t, could you? Instead you _kissed me_ because you knew it would matter too much to me, that I would never betray you because I would become attached and—”

“You have no idea why I kissed you,” he fires back. “And what was I supposed to think when you kissed me back and then jetted across the galaxy?”

She can’t believe—oh, he’s just so _infuriating._ Rey had of course kissed him back because she wanted to, because it felt like all of the pieces fitting together. But for him, it had just been a matter of manipulation, tying her to the end of a string. 

“If you really cared, you would’ve said something. I spent an entire month wondering if it even mattered to you—thinking I was stupid for kissing you back and—”

“I was scared.”

She looks up at him, surprised.

“What?”

Kylo’s upper lip quivers, and then his resolve breaks.

“I was _scared,_ Rey. Do you think this is easy for me? Saying how I feel? Because it isn’t easy. Not at all. And why did it have to be me who said something first? If it did matter to you—like you now say—why didn’t _you_ say something?”

“You kissed _me_ ,” she replies, as if that explains everything.

“And you kissed me back! But then you _left_ and I thought maybe you regretted it. So yes, I was scared. I was scared if I told you that I—”

The door swings open. Talaa Ren barges in, unaware of the conversation she has just entered. 

“Master, the General requests that—”

Talaa stops dead in her tracks, glancing between the two of them. 

“I’ve interrupted something, haven’t I?”

Kylo and Rey both instantly object. 

“Oh, Kriff. I’ve _definitely_ interrupted something. Well, it’ll have to wait. Kylo, Leia is requesting to talk to you.”

She looks over to Rey. “And I believe your people are looking for you, Rey. Because Leia also wants you there.”

Rey pales. The last thing she needs is for Finn, Rose, or Kaydel to barge in and find her and Kylo bickering about their emotional escapades.

Talaa turns her face back to Kylo. “May I speak candidly?”

Rey is surprised by the request. Talaa Ren has never seemed _obedient,_ although she supposes the other Knights have informed her otherwise. Still, to see her fall back on formality is strange. Rey wonders what might have happened in her absence to cause it. 

“You may,” Kylo replied coolly. 

“I was just in the kitchen. Late night snack, you know? If we’re all going to be up all night, I might as well not starve. And, well, your mother is _insufferable_ ,” Talaa says. “She thinks—well, she thinks she _knows_ so much. And she’s so kriffing _well mannered_ about it, which is the worst part. I feel like I’m being schmoozed into believing her ideals.”

Rey swears Kylo nearly quirks a smile at that. “She’s a diplomat, Talaa. It’s in her training to do so.”

Talaa scoffs. “Diplomat my ass. That woman is so damn _calculating.”_ She sighs dramatically. “The small one is easily the most capable out of all of them. What’s her name? Rain? Roe?”

“Rose,” Rey supplies. 

“Right, Rose. Well, I say, if you’re planning to betray or overthrow us, Rey, you should put that Rose woman in charge of it. The rest of the lot wouldn’t stand a chance without her, I think.”

Rey bites back a grin of her own. It’s good to be with Talaa again—if fleetingly. “I’ll keep it in mind,” she says. 

The three of them stand in awkward silence for a moment. 

“I should go,” Rey says. She casts a wary glance at Kylo. They were getting somewhere, she thinks. But none of that matters now. She can’t risk being found out. 


	42. Split

Leia is waiting for Rey in the kitchen, still seated in the same seat, though now with a steaming cup of tea in front of her. She turns when Rey enters the door. 

“I sent for Ben,” she says. Rey nods, as if this is new information. 

“What for?”

“I just need to speak to him,” she says. “And I—well I don’t know if he will—”

 _Protection,_ Rey thinks. She wants to talk to her son, but does not know if he will lash out. Rey is there just in case something goes wrong. 

“How about I wait out on the patio?” Rey asks. “That way if you need me…”

Leia nods, a small gesture. Rey has never seen the General look this nervous before. She itches to ask what Leia plans to say, but Rey knows that this is a conversation to be had between mother and son, and it is not her place. 

The door swings open, and Kylo enters the room. His eyes immediately go to Rey with question. She shrugs.

Leia looks up at her son. “Can we talk?” she asks. 

“Are you asking me to call the delegation back early?”

“Ben—”

He winces at the sound of his name on her lips. Leia immediately seems to realize her mistake. 

“I actually wanted to talk to _you,_ Supreme Leader. Just the two of us.”

Kylo’s gaze slides over to Rey.

“Oh!” Rey steps towards the patio door. “I’ll just be out here, you know… if you need me.”

Rey steps outside. Through the door, she can see Kylo take the seat across from his mother. She can no longer see his face. 

She quickly turns away. It’s _private,_ she reminds herself. She’s just here because Leia is afraid of what Kylo will do. Of course, Rey knows he would never do _anything_ that would jeopardize these negotiations. She even hopes that without them, he would not harm his mother. Perhaps he is… changing? Atoning? Or maybe she’s just wanting him to be. It’s not that Rey wants to change who he _is_ —she would never want that. It’s more so a desire for him to see that there are things he can love, people he can care about again. Leia is one of those people. There is a thing called forgiveness. If Leia's memories of the past are true, Kylo has been hurt by his mother more than Rey ever knew. And he has hurt her in return, over and over. Maybe, Rey hopes, they could find a way to be cordial with each other. 

“You’re her protection?” Rey nearly jumps out of her skin at the sound of voice to the left. She turns to see Jynna Ren leaning on the railing at the edge of the patio that overlooks the lake. 

“Yeah,” Rey says sheepishly. “Are you his?”

Jynna snorts. “He thinks so. I think I’m moral support.”

Rey smiles and joins Jynna at the edge of the patio.

“So… you’re coming back with us, then?”

“I am.”

“And how have things been this past month—with the Force?”

Rey brightens at this question. “Better, I think. I’ve been thinking a lot about what you’ve said, about divisions being made by people and things. So I’ve been trying to figure out what it is I want instead, which isn’t easy.”

“No,” Jynna agrees. “It isn’t.”

Her eyes drift down to Rey’s waist. “Is that the new saber?” she gestures with her head. 

Rey grins, unclipping the saber and handing it to her. Jynna examines the silver hilt with interest before handing it back over. 

“Talaa gave you these parts?”

“Yeah.” Rey frowns. “Wait, how’d you know?”

“She’s got a specific taste in saber hilts,” Jynna explains. 

Rey ignites the blade and it glows a brilliant yellow. 

“I feel like it’s a sign or something—the color. It might be stupid, but I just can’t help but wonder…”

“Everything in the universe is deliberate.”

Rey nods as if she understands what Jynna means. The Knight is always so… pensive. She extinguishes the saber and clicks it back to her belt. 

“Jynna, I’ve been thinking. What’s your perspective on… balance? In the Force, I mean.” Rey asks. 

The Knight shrugs. “It’s always been theorized that it was achievable.”

“Would it mean using equal dark and equal light?”

“I think it’s more finding where you need to be,” she says. “And I wouldn’t worry too much about the technical terms for your own journey, Rey.”

Rey nods. She had hoped… no, it doesn’t matter. Jynna is right that she should find the best place for _her_ relationship with the Force. Obsessing over balance won’t do her any good. 

A moment of silence passes between them. Rey turns her head back to the kitchen door. Inside, she can barely make out Leia's face as she looks at her son. It is hard to see from far away what the woman is feeling. 

“Do you think they’re alright in there?” Rey asks.

“I think that you can’t heal a lifetime of wounds in a single conversation.”

Rey droops. Of course Jynna’s right. Rey feels a little but naive for thinking a one-on-one conversation between Kylo and Leia would fix anything.

“However,” Jynna says, “I do think it is a good place to start.”

\---

When the two sides rejoined for final planning, things moved rather quickly. The Resistance is going to need all remaining eight days to prepare for a full scale weapons attack, and Kylo assumes they will need time to plan for his diversion on _Absolution_ as well. He shares all the blueprints and plans for the weapon that are available with Rose so that a plan can be created for properly taking out the weapon so it can’t be fired.

All throughout the meeting, Sola Ren looks positively _miserable_ at the prospect of spending her next week with a bunch of Resistance members. Now that Rey doesn’t have to be there, she’s actually kind of amused by the idea of Sola returning to base with her friends. For one thing, Poe will be _furious._ She supposes that Leia may not reveal Sola’s true identity, but there will still be an air of suspicion as Sola is let in so heavily on the battle plans. 

Eventually, though, they run out of things that can be hashed over. More planning is needed to be done in separate locations. Leia passes a Commlink to Rey and makes her promise to make contact as much as she possibly can over the next eight days. 

Rose, Finn, and even Kaydel all give Rey firm hugs when it is time for departure. Leia gives her a firm squeeze on the shoulder, and her eyes turn to her son. She does not hug him, or touch him, but it does not take a Force user to see something pass between them from their respective places across the room. Rey has not spoken in private to Kylo _or_ Leia since their conversation. She can only hope it went well. 

All of Rey’s things that were left on the Falcon—her pack, staff, and the Jedi texts—are brought to the lakehouse. She supposes she’ll be bringing them all to _Supremacy_ with her. 

The Resistance departs, with Sola Ren in tow, and the Knights and Rey watch from the patio outside the kitchen as the Millennium Falcon and another Resistance ship jet off into the sky. 

And then Rey is alone again with the Knights of Ren. 

Her eyes drift to Kylo. He watches the sky until the ships are just a small dot into the distance. Then, he turns to all of them, an impassive look on his face. 

“We’ll leave in the morning,” he says with a briskness, and everyone begins to disperse as if no time has passed since Rey’s last departure. Kylo swiftly passes them all and enters the house. After a moment, Rey follows the rest of the Knights inside and returns to her room. It is still _her_ room, right? She’d hate to walk in and find Jynna Ren has taken it for herself. But no, as soon as Rey swings the door open she sees the space is empty. So that means the room is still hers, and Kylo is not here. He went to _his_ room. Although she supposes she _shouldn’t_ be upset, seeing as she did ask him to keep his distance. 

Talaa Ren steps into the doorway behind her. 

“He’s been an absolute mope since you’ve been gone.”. 

Rey keeps her face indifferent. Talaa hedges more. 

“Even _more so_ since last week. Any idea why that would be?”

“No.”

“I think you’re lying.”

Rey shrugs. “I don’t control his behavior.”

“No, you don’t.”

“And I didn’t say anything last week with the intention of making him upset. He just—well, he just is infuriating all on his own.”

Talaa raises an eyebrow. “I never said that _you_ said anything to him.”

Rey crosses her arms. “I didn’t say anything.”

“You just said you did.”

She sighs, exasperated. “Alright _fine._ I might’ve told him to… drop the act.”

“Drop the _act?”_

“You know…” she looks around to make sure none of the other Knights are wandering in the hallway. “The whole… flirtation thing that he does. I can’t keep stressing out over it, especially when he doesn’t mean it.”

Talaa Ren looks absolutely dumbfounded. “Okay, two things: first, I am relieved to see you have finally opened your eyes to the fact that he _is_ , in fact, flirting with you.”

“Well, yeah. I started to… suppose it.”

“And second, I _cannot_ understand how you have convinced yourself that he _doesn’t mean it_.”

Rey pulls Talaa in her room and shuts the door. The last thing she needs is this conversation being overheard. 

“I’m not saying he _didn’t_ mean it,” she says in a low voice. “Before I left the lakehouse, I think it _might_ have been partially genuine. But after we kissed—”

“You _kissed_? Honestly, I thought the day would never come.”

“Yes, but after we kissed I think he realized he… wasn’t interested. He ignored the topic for the entire next month, and all we ever talked about was the war. I think he was trying to forget it, Talaa. Which is _fine,_ honestly. So all I did was try to tell him that he didn’t need to keep pretending like he was interested in me like that.”

Talaa Ren presses the palm of her hand to her forehead and closes her eyes. “When I signed on to this Knights of Ren mess, I thought I’d be, like, doing research and epic missions for our secret society or something. Not sorting out his—you know what? Nevermind. It doesn’t matter.” She opens her eyes and points to the hallway door. “That man, Rey, is not smart. And honestly, I am beginning to question your intellect as well. You really think he just lost interest in you? The man checks the kriffing Comm linked to yours _every five minutes._ And when he’s not doing that, he’s staring off into space all dream-like, probably pondering a way to disguise himself and enter the Resistance just to see you. And don’t even get me _started_ on the way you two were looking at each other today. You practically undressed him with your eyes. Right in front of his mother, too. Honestly, it was kind of hot. And _that_ makes me sick to my stomach because I don’t need to witness it.”

Rey’s face turns a deep shade of scarlet. “I did _not_ undress him with my eyes, Talaa.”

“Yeah right! I’m just glad I was behind him, so at least I didn’t have to see the way _he_ was looking at _you._ ” She sticks a finger in her mouth and mocks gagging. “Your friends must’ve been pretty weirded out by that.”

“My friends weren't weirded out by _anything_ because _nothing_ happened!”

“Tough shit, Rey! We all saw it. Even Jynna said—”

Rey blanches. “You talked about this with _other people?_ ”

“No! Just Jynna! She doesn’t count!”

“ _Why the kriff would she not count?_ ”

Talaa shrugs. “We’re getting off topic. The point is, stop _assuming_ you know other people’s feelings and just _ask_ them. You need to have a real conversation with him about—”

“We were,” Rey grumbles. 

“What?”

“ _We were_ ,” Rey says a bit more forcefully then she meant to. “I mean, we were _trying to,_ at least. Until you came in and—”

“Okay, let me rephrase. You two should have a real conversation when we’re not _in the middle of crucial wartime negotiations._ ”

Rey crosses her arms. “Thats… fair,” she admits. 

Talaa snorts. “One day you’ll get it right, I promise. And all our lives will be better off because of it.”

She gives Rey a tight hug, and then leaves her to go to sleep. 

\---

The energy inside the ship feels heavy and dead as they make their way towards _Supremacy._ With Annik and Jynna flying, Rey sits in the main hold behind the cockpit with Jaina and Talaa. Of course, Talaa tries to make conversation. This falls flat pretty quickly because Jaina is quiet and Rey is lost in thought. Immediately upon takeoff, Kylo had disappeared to the back of the ship. Rey has not seen him since. 

Talaa is telling them a story about a wild night out on the town she had on Coruscant when Kylo reappears. Rey watches him as he strides right past her without notice and into the cockpit. Talaa pauses in her story as Kylo enters, too, and when he disappears to the front of the ship she narrows her eyes. 

“... as I was _saying_ , there was this woman with pink hair. Not my favorite _color,_ pink. I’m much more partial to a nice purple. But I’ll make an exception for hair. And of course she bought me a drink—she hadn’t been there for the whole arson incident, so she was oblivious to the vibe—so I decided she was going to be the best companion I would find that night. I started telling her about—”

The front door of the ship opens, and Kylo passes them again, heading to the back. If he’s going to act like _this,_ it’s going to be the worst week of Rey’s life. She’s already a nervous wreck about being on _Supremacy_ . Didn’t she swear she would never join him in the First Order? At least she’s here as Resistance. She hasn’t _totally_ abandoned herself. Not that he would reoffer her to join him, anyway… 

“For Force sake, Rey, _go talk to him_.”

Rey snaps out of her trance. Jaina and Talaa are staring at her. 

“What?”

Talaa turns to Jaina. “You see what I mean? The arguing I can handle. But the _staring_ —”

“Okay!” Rey stands up. “Fine! I’ll be right back. But I’m _not_ going to be gone long. I wouldn’t want to miss your… story, Talaa.”

Talaa smirks. “Right. But if you’re not back in five minutes, I’m telling Jaina the rest. It’s not right to leave her on a cliffhanger.”

“You’ve already told me this story like five times,” Jaina says quietly. 

“One minute, tops,” Rey assures them. She gathers herself and then heads to the back of the ship. 

Kylo is sitting in what appears to be some sort of private quarters in the back of the ship. He’s sitting on the small bed, his head bent over a tablet. He doesn’t even look up when she enters. 

“If the route has changed, Jynna, you can just Comm—” He looks up. 

Rey suddenly feels very stupid for follwoing Talaa’s advice. She’s here to do what, exactly? 

“I’m not Jynna,” she blurts. _Wow, great start._

Kylo is clearly bemused. “No, you aren’t.”

He waits a moment more for her to say something, but Rey cannot think of a single word anymore. She just _stares_ at him. 

“Is there something you wanted?” he asks. 

She shakes her head. “No—sorry.” Rey makes to turn for the door, but then quickly spins back around. “It’s only that—I just—can we try again?” 

She doesn’t even know where she’s going with this. 

Kylo shifts to face her, dropping the tablet to his lap “Try again?”

“You and me,” she says. 

“How so?” 

“Well…” they had been _friends_ before. And no, Rey doesn’t like that word for him. It doesn’t fit securely around their relationship. “We should—you know— _talk_.” 

Kylo’s eyebrows crease together.

“Talk?” He seems as alien to the concept as her which, Rey feels, is kind of a relief. 

“Yes. I have been told that I—and you as well, so, uhm, _we_ —are not great at… communicating. So maybe if we _ask_ instead of _assume,_ things will become a little more clear.”

Kylo snorts. “You sound like you have a therapist.”

No, she just has a Talaa. And a Finn. And a Rose and a Jynna. In other words, she has a lot of people that keep telling her the same thing in different formats. Rey has been ignoring their advice, but maybe she shouldn’t. There could be some merit to openness with him, she supposes. 

“I thought you didn’t care about what happened between us,” Rey says. “But… maybe I was wrong. Was I wrong?”

Kylo nods. “I do care about you. About us.”

“Okay… I’m sorry, then. I only said what I did to you on the station because it hurt me to care about you and think you didn’t care about me. So, I take it back.”

Kylo looks confused. “What?”

“I take it back—all that stuff I said. And I’d like us to start over. I care about you, and you care about me, so we can start over.”

“You want to… start over,” He repeats. 

“Well, I hate _this._ We never talk anymore. And I like talking to you—a lot, actually.” She can feel her cheeks getting pink. “So let's just… be different now.”

He considers this. It doesn’t feel like a desperate plea in Rey’s mind, and so she hopes it doesn’t come off that way. She’d simply just _like_ to have him in her life again.

“Are you going to get a concussion again?”

Rey blinks in confusion. “What?”

“I said, are you going to get a concussion again? Our last fresh start was because of your concussion. The time before that we both got knocked out in the end, too. On _Finalizer._ I was just wondering if that was a thing you did when you wanted something new—getting a concussion.”

Does she need to hit her head to reset things? Kriff, that sounds a little dramatic. She doesn’t want to, but at the same time, what’s a headache in exchange for—no, no way. She would never _intentionally_ go through all that concussion mess again.

Kylo snorts. He’s _laughing_ at her. Rey narrows her eyes. 

“That’s a joke, isn’t it?”

“I can’t believe you would seriously consider getting a _concussion_.”

“I wasn’t—” she cuts off. Kylo is laughing more now. He shifts over on the bed so that she can sit next to him. Rey sits down and frowns. 

“How was I supposed to know it was a joke?”

“It’s okay, Rey. I would’ve never let you give yourself another concussion for me.”

“You never tell jokes! I’m not—I don’t have my joke radar turned on when I’m around you.”

She turns to look at him. Tentatively, they both smile. She can see the happiness behind it slowly work its way to his eyes, like he’s beginning to _mean_ it.

“You really like talking to me?” he asks.

“I do. You’re very interesting.”

“We argue a lot.”

“I like that, too,” she admits. “When I argue with my friends, it’s like they aren’t listening. You take what I say and pick at it. That way I come out the other end with something new to consider. I… I like that.”

He nods. “Somebody has to put those Jedi ideals in check.”

Rey suddenly becomes serious. “The whole galaxy thinks I’m the last Jedi, except for you and the Knights. How are you going to get me on the ship when everyone knows I’m a wanted enemy of the Order?”

“I pardoned you.” He says this like it’s the most simple thing in the world, but Rey is incredulous. 

“You _what_?”

“I _pardoned_ you. There’s no bounty for finding you now. Although, I bet Hux wants you found. But you’ll face no penalty on _Supremacy._ I’ve already seen to that.”

“Oh.” Rey stares blankly at the wall in front of her. “So I can just… be me? And it won’t matter?”

“I always want you to be you,” he says . “That’s why I like you.”

She tries not to get flustered over the comment. “Thanks.”

“And you’ll have all the same clearances as the other Knights. You can take Sola’s spot at most things, seeing as she’s with the Resistance. Most of the week will be planning. We need a smart approach to get this failsafe switched off.”

“About that—I don’t know how much help I’m really going to be with all this planning…” 

“You’ve snuck onto First Order property _three times_ —that I know of—and come out alive. I think you’ve got more skill than you think. Just… start brainstorming.”

His tablet dings with a notification, and Kylo frowns. “I have to work on this,” he says. “We can talk more about it after we land.”

Rey gets the cue that she’s supposed to leave. Kylo is already focused back into his work. When Rey returns to the main hold, Talaa and Jaina turn to watch her. 

“That was more than one minute,” Tala asays, smirking. 

Rey slides into the seat beside her. “Shut up,” she grumbles. But underneath it, she can feel herself smiling.

\---

They arrive on _Supremacy_ without incident. It is strange—to say the least—that Rey can just saunter on this ship like the last year and a half never happened. Have they all just forgiven her for her supposed murder of their last Supreme Leader? Still, nobody bats an eye—whether this is because Kylo ordered them not to, or because they are wearing helmets and she can’t see their faces, Rey will never know. 

Immediately, the Knights disperse. Apparently, the departure of the Knights of Ren _and_ the Supreme Leader was arduous for the vessel to handle. Where the Knights were not involved, if at all, in the Order before the split with Hux, they are now heavily ingrained in the structures of power. From what Rey can deduce, this is mostly due to their strong desire to take down Hux and to look out for Kylo. By staying, they can all keep a close eye on him too. 

But the more she watches the Knights, the more Rey realizes it is not just about caring for Kylo. They _want_ to be around eachother. Jynna and Talaa seem desperate for time together, and Rey cannot imagine what it is like to spend so much time out alone in the galaxy when you know you have no reason to be away from your friends. Kylo looks out for them, too, though he would probably never admit there was affection there. Even now, he refuses to call them friends. Rey has given up on explaining to him that the relationship he has with Talaa Ren seems to fit the bill for friendship. Whatever. If he wants to be special and difficult about his relationships, that’s his prerogative. 

Since the Knights peel away almost immediately, Rey is left awkwardly with Kylo. She had never really imagined what it would be like to join him here, and it is strange to be living it. He seems perplexed, too, on what to do next. Kylo dons his mask as they walk through the hangar, but as soon as they reach the wing of the ship where the Knights and himself are quartered, he takes it off again. Rey begins to wonder why he wears the mask here but did not wear it at the meeting with the Resistance.

He shows her the training room, as well as a “common area” where the Knights eat. Rey realizes pretty quickly that Kylo probably never comes into the common room, because it’s like he’s showing her something he’s only vaguely heard about. 

“Since Sola’s gone, you can stay where she was. It’s right here—”

“Stay? Like to sleep?”

Kylo pauses out front of the door to the room and turns to her.

“Yes. Is there a problem with that?”

Rey flusters. “I mean—no. There isn’t.”

He studies her. “You’re lying to me.”

“What? No I’m not.”

“You are, Rey. I can see it on your face.”

“I’m not lying! It’s great—perfect, actually.”

Kylo crosses his arms, then leans against the wall. 

“Perfect?” he raises an eyebrow. “Okay, then. I guess I’ll see you later.”

He turns away, making it look like he’s going to leave. And oh, Rey just _hates_ him because he’s playing games with her now. She should stick it to him and walk into Sola’s room and stay there. Truthfully, she would be fine with this. The room is right by Talaa Ren. Maybe they could spend time together at night, sneak into the common area and grab snacks together. It’s only that—no, nevermind. 

“Wait!”

Kylo turns around and steps towards her again.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” And he says it so softly, so _earnestly_ , that Rey can’t help but reply with honesty.

“It’s just that I thought—since we’re not fighting anymore, that I might stay with you.”

Kylo releases her wrist. An unreadable expression crosses his face.

“You… _want_ to stay with me?”

Rey nods timidly, and her own shyness irritates her. When is she ever _timid_? What is happening?

“I do,” she says more confidently. “I mean, we both sleep better that way. So I don’t see why not.”

Kylo nods. “Right, okay. Well… my room is here.”

They cross the hall and walk to the end of it, where a single door stands. 

It’s not a _room,_ moreso an apartment. There’s a small kitchen and dining table, along with a nice grey couch. Beside the couch is a door to where Rey assumes the bedroom is. Keeping in First Order style, the whole space is dark and sterile. Rey wonders if the architecture is purposely boring. 

He leads her into the bedroom, which contains a bed, closet, and door to a fresher. On the wall to her left is a large window that looks out into the stars. Kylo paces errantly around the room for a moment before turning back to her. 

“I’m going to wash up, but then we have work to do. Will you be okay in here for a few minutes?”

Normally, she’d knock on him for such a stupid question. Of course she’ll be _okay_ in a _room_ by herself. She’s not a child that needs minding. But his face looks so tense—nervous, even—so she just nods. Kylo disappears into the bathroom. 

She wonders why he is nervous. Perhaps it has something to do with this whole plan, with convincing the First Order that coordinating an attack with the Resistance is wise. Or maybe it’s that Rey herself is here. Even with his pardon, no doubt bringing a girl fresh off their wanted list to First Order command is unconventional. 

Rey sits on the bed and then pulls out her Comm. She presses the side of the tiny device and it immediately buzzes to life. 

“Rey? Are you okay?” She smiles instinctively at the sound of Finn’s voice. 

“Yeah, we just made it to _Supremacy._ I just wanted to check in.”

“We’re back, too. Going to start preparations as soon as possible.” Finn pauses. “Let us know if you need anything, okay? And check in frequently.”

“I will, I promise.”

“Good. And Rey—listen. Don’t let Kylo Ren think he’s got power over you. You beat him on his own turf once. You could do it again.”

Rey looks to the fresher door. “Don’t worry,” she says to Finn. “I think I’m going to make it through this alright.”


	43. Dichotomy

Rey is insistent upon the notion that her position here as Resistance liaison will not be a sham. If she is to reside on _Supremacy_ for eight days, she will attend every meeting and every conversation that pertains to the mission. She will not wander the ship aimlessly—as it seems she is permitted to do—and spend these days _pretending_ to be a Resistance representative. 

That first day, after he leaves the fresher, Kylo tries to gently tell her that he is heading to a command meeting with some Knights and officers, and that she can stay behind and rest from their journey. Of course, Rey refuses, because why the _hell_ is she here if not to do her job? Kylo explains that perhaps not all of the people on his side are _thrilled_ with her pardon and might carry a… hostility. Rey merely laughs at this. 

“As if _you_ weren’t hostile to _me_ before. Please, I can handle a few sideways glances.”

Resigned, Kylo agrees to bring her along. Rey dresses in her darker set of clothes with grey arm wrappings. She begins to tie her hair back into a trio of buns and then hesitates. Is it perhaps too girlish of a hairstyle? No, she shakes the thought away. It _is_ girlish, but that’s why she _likes it._ If these First Order commanders think lowly of her for any presentation of femininity, well, that says more about them than it does about her. She won’t let it bother her. 

She’s amused when Kylo clicks the mask into place before leaving the apartment. 

“Don’t like to show much face around your colleagues?” she asks. 

“Expressions divulge,” he replies.

She snorts. Yes, part of having a face is that it shows people what you’re _feeling_. He says this like it’s some sort of weakness.

“Will the Knights be wearing masks as well?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you wear them at the Resistance meeting?”

He turns to her. “That was an entirely different situation.”

“More of a security threat, I would think.”

“One would think so, yes.”

He turns away and the door opens automatically with a _woosh._ One would _think_ so? Rey frowns. Wait—

But Kylo is already striding down the hallway menacingly towards the lift. Rey practically has to jog to keep up with his stride. 

_Will you slow down? The last thing I need is to trip when I’m trying to make a first impression._

_Apologies,_ he replies. _I have long strides. I’ll keep your vertical limitedness in mind._

The lift door opens. 

_Vertical limitedness??_

She follows him inside. They stand shoulder to shoulder. Although her shoulder is _below_ his, she now notices. Wait—oh no, is he _taller_ than her? She could swear there was never much of a height difference between them, if any at all, and that she always looks directly into his eyes when she speaks to him. As if reading her thoughts, Kylo replies. 

_You are shorter than me, Rey. I’m not sure why you’ve just reached this conclusion._

She can detect amusement in his voice. But this is ridiculous! She’s not _short._ She’s—no, this isn’t right. 

_I swear we always look eye to eye,_ she responds. 

He turns to her, and tilts his mask down slightly to look at her. 

_I always move my head down to look at you,_ he replies. _Have you never noticed?_

The door to the lift opens and Rey and Kylo straighten up. They’ve entered a hallway that is empty of soldiers or officers except for two Troopers standing out front of a door at the end of the hall. Rey feels a pang of sadness looking at the Troopers—they remind her of Finn. Sometimes she can’t fully wrap her mind around the fact that _this_ was his life for so many years. Now, she would say he’s probably the greatest hero of the Resistance. They’d be dead without his leadership. 

Kylo steps into the hall, but Rey notices that he has altered his pace so that she can keep up with him. Was he doing this _before_ , she wonders? Rey looks up at his mask. 

_Ben?_

_Yes?_

Suddenly, Rey can’t bear to ask him the embarrassing question about the pace of his walking. 

_When did you make the new mask?_

She hasn’t seen him wear a mask in quite some time—since the gala, but that one was more of a fashion accessory. And this one is slightly different than the original mask of Starkiller—between the stripes of silver above the eyes are stripes of red. 

_A while ago,_ he says evasively. _I deemed it prudent to start wearing one again, with Hux getting so temperamental._

 _Well, it’s nice. I mean_ — _very scary._ She pauses. _You were going for scary, right?_

A moment of silence passes. 

_Yes, Rey. I suppose I was going for scary._

She nods, a slight gesture so that an outsider would not know it was a signal of silent conversation. 

_Well, good job then._

They pass the Troopers and enter what Rey assumes is some sort of First Order Command meeting room. It perhaps looks familiar from one of their Force bond connections, but the locations of those all blend together in her head. Ahead of her there is a long black table with uncomfortable looking chairs on either side. At the head of the table is a single empty chair. 

Everyone rises when Rey and Kylo enter the room. That’s _weird,_ Rey thinks. She doesn’t know why they’re all standing to meet her—oh, wait. They’re standing for Kylo. Yeah, definitely Kylo. 

This doesn’t mean she’s not the recipient of attention, though. Maro, Annik, Jynn, Jaina, and Talaa don’t even spare her a passing glance through her mask. The _other_ First Order commanders, though, well they stare. They stare a _lot._ Rey keeps her head up, doesn’t look at any of them. She’s not here to make friends with these people—she’s _Resistance._ She has a job to do. 

Kylo walks to his seat and the front of the room and gestures for them all to sit. Rey just sort of stands in the doorway because, well, she doesn’t quite know what to _do._ She can’t sit with _him._ There isn’t an empty seat. And she isn’t going to—kriff, she almost blushes thinking about it—well, she’s not going to sit _on him._ Surely that’s not what he wants. People don’t—

Talaa Ren—or the masked individual Rey assumes is Talaa Ren, if she remembers their masks correctly—clears her throat. Kylo looks up, and seems to notice Rey standing in the doorway. 

“This is…” he stumbles, something he probably doesn’t often do in Command. Rey knows why. None of these people know her name. 

Kira won’t work, seeing as that is the name she used at the First Order gala _._ On the spot, Rey can think of nothing. So, she says the only thing that makes sense in her she says into his head. 

“Rey,” she says aloud. Again, everyone turns to look at her. She is not afraid.

“My name is Rey, I am from Jakku and I am the Force user of the Resistance here as liaison.”

She looks to Kylo to continue. He momentarily stares at her in silence before remembering that this is in fact _his_ meeting to run.

“Some of you may recognize her face from months before because she is strong with the Force, and is responsible for the death of Supreme Leader Snoke.”

Some of the officers throw cold glares her way. 

_Did you have to bring that up?_ She says in her head.

Kylo continues. “She has been granted clemency following her commitment to destroy the largest weapon of Hux and help us win the war.”

Rey thinks that _win_ is a bit of an embellishment. She doesn’t really want anyone in this room to _win,_ moreso she just wishes for the conflict to end. 

“Supreme Leader,” an older man with a thin face pipes up. Kylo looks at him coldly. “As much as we all trust your judgement, how are we to trust the girl?”

“I take full responsibility for Rey’s actions while she is here,” Kylo replies. “While she is on the ship, we are putting our differences aside to prevent a catastrophic and senseless loss of life. I expect you all to act with decorum.”

Rey nearly laughs. As much as Kylo Ren wishes to erase his history, he is Leia Organa’s son. 

The man looks as if he has more to say, but instead leans back in his seat. A chair is produced for Rey and placed at the opposite end of the table from Kylo. She sort of wishes she was _beside_ him, as this is a weird and awkward distance between them. Besides, she doesn't really want to look at him the entire meeting. She’d rather feel his presence beside her. Studying him this unabashed is… distracting, to say the least. Luckily, flanking Rey’s seat on either side of the table are Jynna and Jaina Ren. Rey is at least relieved she doesn’t have to sit next to one of the stuffy officers. 

Kylo begins to report to the room the content from his meeting with the Resistance. Rey picks up on—just as there was in the Resistance Command meeting—various levels of support and abhorrence for the idea of joining forces. A woman with shaved hair and brown eyes seems to be more on Kylo’s side, while the man who first spoke up is more in opposition. Kylo explains the absence of Sola Ren, and how the Resistance is planning their attack on the weapon as they speak. 

“So we’re just turning off a switch and expecting them to do the rest?” the man asks.

“It’s much more complicated than that,” Kylo says. “I need to get into _Absolution_ to make it like I’m there for Hux. The only true diversion is a threat to his pride. While I’m there, Rey can—”

“The First Order is not going to put up its leader for some Resistance _scheme_ ,” another voice says. 

“It’s not a scheme,” Talaa Ren fires. “And you better watch your _tongue,_ Ladir, lest you want me to _cut it out_.”

The man sinks back in his seat. Rey knows Talaa Ren is probably smirking behind her mask. 

“Supreme Leader, I must implore you to see _reason,”_ the older officer says. “Officer Ladir, while displaced in his thoughts, raises a viable concern. If we are to defeat Hux, your demise would be catastrophic to our cause.”

Everyone at the table bickers for a while, and Kylo just observes them with interest. Rey watches, too, but after a while the whole show begins to exhaust her. They’re all working to get their jabs in but simultaneously kiss up to Kylo at the same time. Because, in the end, it is _his_ decision. And nobody wants to look like they’re opposing him too much. There won’t be a vote, or a consensus. She senses that the mere fact that they’re having a _discussion_ is an anomaly in itself. After a while, Kylo seems to grow tired of it too. 

“The deal has been struck with the Resistance. For the next eight days, we will devote everything we have to tailing Hux and devising a plan. After that, I will decide how we move forward.”

He looks to Rey. “Anything to add?”

“No,” she says. _Not in front of these people._

Kylo takes the hint. 

“Dismissed.”

Everyone rises and quickly begins to exit the room, including the knights. Rey, confused, watches them go. They _leave?_ Just like that? She nearly looks for Rose or Finn to walk out with but then catches herself. This isn’t her normal meeting setting. There won’t be any laughter or banter in the hall, nobody is going to stick around to appeal their case. This is not the Resistance. Speaking of, she should probably Comm Finn tonight, let him know about this meeting and everything… 

Rey doesn’t even realize she’s the only one still sitting until everyone is gone. Except Kylo. He is at his seat on the other side of the table, and he is watching her. 

“Oh, Kriff.” She shakes her head. “Sorry, I, like, blanked out for a minute. I’ll be going—”

“No.”

Rey is perplexed. “No?”

“I mean, we should talk strategy, moving forward. Now that you’ve seen what I’m dealing with.”

She leans back in her seat. “Alright. But then why did you dismiss the Knights when—”

“They’re busy.”

He doesn't even know who she was going to _say._

“They’re… busy?” Rey repeats. 

“I thought it would be better for it to just be us. To plan, you know?

“Oh,” again, Rey is surprised. “... Alright. Good—I mean, fine. That’s fine. Let’s go, then.”

She stands, but he does not move.

“Am I missing something?”

“I usually have meetings here,” he says lamely. Why would they sit fifteen feet apart to discuss _strategy_ ? Maybe he doesn’t _want_ her any closer—no, she’s not going to blow this out of proportion. She’s going to communicate. 

“I don’t think I’m much of the conference room type,” she says. “It’s much too… cold. And I’m hungry. Perhaps we could go back to your room?”

He doesn’t attest to this change of plan, which Rey takes as a good sign. She mentally pats herself on the back. Take that, bad communication skills. 

\---

They sit at the tiny table in his apartment for dinner. Rey sits with her legs up and criss crossed on the seat and leans her elbows on the table as she watches him at the counter. She can tell the locations of things in cabinets here are familiar to him. He doesn’t hesitate before grabbing ingredients and utensils from cabinets. 

Rey doesn’t offer to help—she knows by now that her talents do _not_ lie in the kitchen. She’s much more suited for eating than she is cooking. And Kylo seems content to work by himself. He does like to be in control, so Rey supposes that this makes sense. 

Eventually he drops to plates on the table, and they begin to eat. Rey can’t keep the silence for long, though, because there’s simply too much on her time for them to waste any of their limited time together.

“So, let’s talk strategy, then,” she says. “Tell me everything you know about _Absolution_.”

He gives her a rundown of the ship—which is a pretty standard Resurgent-class Star Destroyers. Rey knows a lot about ships. She spent most of her life crawling around in them. Kylo, though, is extremely meticulous in his assessment, as if she couldn’t tell the difference between an x-wing and a TIE fighter. It’s a bit annoying, but also kind of nice, because he’s clearly taking the situation seriously. 

“I really do think a diversion is the best way to go,” Kylo says. “Hux, more than anything, wants me dead. He knew the ranks were too divided for a successful coup, so a civil war is his chosen path to unseating me. He wants it _all_ —the whole First Order, and then the whole galaxy. With me out of the way, he’d be on the path to achieving that easily.”

“So you want to do what? Fight him?”

Rey can’t really imagine the red-haired man from the gala wielding a lightsaber. 

“Hux isn’t the physical combat sort. His matter of conflict is much more… _political_. All he needs is to think I’m taking over his ship, and he will be so diverted that we’ll be able to turn off the failsafe easily.”

“I still don’t know why you need _me_ ,” Rey says. She takes a large sip of water. “I mean, any of the Knights can turn off the failsafe—”

“But I trust you the most.”

Rey searches Kylo’s face for a joke but finds that he seems to actually be dead serious.

“ _Me_ ? Why would you trust _me?_ The Knights are like _trained_ for this sort of thing.”

“I’m not saying the Knights aren’t going to be part of the plan. I just mean, if I’m going to do this… I need you there… with me.”

“Okay,” she bites her lip, nervous all of the sudden. “I’m thinking I might need a mask, too. It’s not like I can just walk onto _Absolution_ unnoticed.”

Kylo considers this. “You’re probably right,” he says. “I’ll see it done.”

Rey nods. “You have a… mask-maker on hand?”

The corner of Kylo’s mouth tugs upward. “Every time I think you’re going to ask a serious question, you ask me something like that.”

Rey blushes, and Kylo backtracks. “I didn’t mean it in a _bad_ way. You’re just…. surprising. Do you want more?” He gestures to her plate. Rey didn’t even realize she had finished eating. 

“No, thank you.”

He moves to take her plate, but Rey moves at the same time. Their hands awkwardly bump. 

“Sorry, I—”

“No, it’s fine—”

She looks at him with a soft smile. “You cooked, I’ll clean up. Fair?”

He relents. “Fair.”

After Rey grabs the plates, Kylo relents to tell her that he actually does have some work to do in his office, and if they’re not going to _plan_ for a while, he’s going to disappear. Rey assures him this is fine, and no sooner after he takes a step towards the door does Talaa Ren come barging in. 

Talaa takes one look at the table and gives Rey a coy look, which Rey returns with a glare. 

“Going so soon?” she says to Kylo in a fluttery voice. If he understands her intentions, he does not allude to it. 

“Some of us actually _do_ our jobs, Talaa.”

“Oh, I’m doing my job alright,” Talaa replies. “Just not the First Order one. You know I don’t like—”

But Kylo isn’t listening anymore. He strides out the door with his helmet in his hand. 

“So I take it you two talked things out?” Talaa asks. 

Rey shrugs. “We’re on better terms. If we're going to pull this off, I don’t think we can be not speaking to each other.”

“Right, because Force forbid you two make up for any non-practical reason.”

“I like being practical!” Rey drops the plates in the cleaning machine and turns back to Talaa. 

At this, Talaa raises an eyebrow. “Could I entice you to being a bit… _impractical_ tonight?”

“ _Impractical_ ?” Rey snorts. “If you’re asking what I think you’re asking, _no._ ”

Rey has a pretty good feeling Talaa Ren is about to entice her into a night of lots of drinking, and she can’t do that today. Talaa, to her credit, gives a mocking mopey face. 

“But you’re only here for _eight days_! And who knows when we’ll get the chance again! I’ll just call Jynna and—”

“Talaa, I’m not here on vacation. This is a _very important mission_ and there’s a lot at stake. I can’t just—”

“Have _fun_?”

Rey rolls her eyes. “I was going to say _relax._ The Resistance could Comm me any minute. Speaking of, I need to reach out to them…”

She begins to cross the room towards the bedroom. 

“Fine,” Talaa groans. “But you are _not_ staying here for a week and hiding in here with him. I don’t care how much fun you’re having in that bedroom, you owe Jynna and I—”

Rey turns positively pink. “ _Talaa._ I’m not—we’re not—”

“Of _course_ you’re not, Rey,” Talaa says dramatically. “And it’s the fact that you _aren’t_ —that you’re sharing secrets and exploring the Force together and just feeling each other's feelings or whatever—that makes it even worse.”

Rey is at least relieved that Talaa isn’t spreading _that_ rumor around. She and Kylo are not...together. She’s staying here because… well, because it just feels right, and because they are starting over. It’s totally normal. Not strange at all.

“Not tonight, Talaa. Maybe… maybe another night. But I need to talk to the Resistance before bed to reassure them that everything is alright. And I really am very tired.”

Rey had refused to nap when Kylo suggested it earlier, but now that it’s been a few hours she cannot deny that the exhaustion of today is starting to weigh on her. She hasn’t slept in what feels like forever. Whether Talaa is assuaged by her exhaustion or tired of asking, Rey does not know. Either way, the Knight bids her goodnight a bit defeated, and Rey is left alone in Kylo’s room.

She heads into the bedroom and immediately gets to work with contacting the Resistance. Her Comm connects nearly immediately, as if someone was waiting on the other end to hear from her. 

“Finn?”

“Not Finn,” the voice on the other end says. Rey recognizes it immediately. 

“Rose! I’m so happy to hear from you.”

“Yeah,” Rose says. But she doesn't sound so happy herself. 

“Is everything alright? Did something happen with Sola Ren?”

“No, Rey. Everything is fine here. We’re doing our best to be ready, and Sola Ren has been as helpful as she can be. Why are you calling?”

Rey swallows. “Oh. Well, Finn said to check in frequently, so I just wanted you to know that I made it through a meeting with the First Order leaders and everything is… fine. Kylo and I are working on this plan. I want to make sure there's no chance this weapon fires.”

“Kylo?”

“What?”

“You called him Kylo,” Rose says. “It’s just very casual, that’s all.”

“Oh.” Rose’s words are casual, but her tone doesn’t _sound_ casual. “I don’t know. It just sort of… came out, I guess. Weird.”

“Yeah, weird.”

“But you met with his officers?”

“I did.” A knot twists in the pit of Rey’s stomach. She can’t help but feel as if something is… off, which makes absolutely no sense because this is _Rose._

“And they’re all in approval?”

“Well… they’re like us, I guess. Divided on the whole thing. But it’s not like Command, where we vote on things. Kylo has decided that they’re helping, and they really have no choice but to obey him in the end.”

“They’re nothing like us.”

Rey has the feeling that the longer they talk, the more she’s going to incriminate herself. But _why_? What wrong is there in making observations?

“Right, Rose. Sorry. Listen, I’ve got to go. But tell Finn and Leia I Commed, alright? If there’s more to share, I’ll share it.”

“Okay, Rey. Be safe.”

“I am. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Rey packs the Comm back into her bag. Kriff, that was _weird._ She tries to brush off the concern and get ready for bed. But the exhaustion is worse than she thought, because she’s barely able to untie her trio of buns and walk to the bed before she falls asleep on top of the sheets. 

\---

She wakes—groggy and imperceivable dazed—to the feeling of a firm hand on her shoulder. 

“Wha—” Reyy opens her eyes to see Kylo sitting on the edge of the bed, gazing down at her. 

“Sorry. I didn’t want to wake you, it’s just, you’re still in your regular clothes, and…”

“Oh, it’s fine—”

“Also,” and Kylo looks rather wary to tell her this, “Well, you’re sort of in the _middle_ of the bed.”

Rey finally has the good sense to sit up and look around. She is indeed positioned smack in the center of the sheets. 

“Sorry,” she groans, shifting to the far side of the bed and then reaching for the large shirt and pants in her bag. Rey goes to change, and when she returns, Kylo is laying in bed. She’s never… approached sleeping with him like this. It’s exponentially more nerve wracking to climb into _his_ bed on _his_ ship, especially when _he_ is in it. Still, Rey is exhausted enough to swallow her nerves and lay down. She turns on her side to face him, and he does the same. 

“What time is it?” she asks. 

“Late enough that everyone else is asleep.”

 _Oh._ “And you were… working that entire time?”

“I missed a lot of things to go to Naboo. I’m still sorting them out.”

Silence falls between them. She’s never thought much about his _job_ —what it _means_ to be Supreme Leader. Mostly, she just hates the idea of all of it. Rey would rather he just be _him,_ and not some lofty title, but the two are becoming more closely intertwined these days. 

“How are you, really?” she asks. “Not the war, not the mission. How are _you_?”

Kyo looks—possibly—uncomfortable at the question. He shrugs.

“I’ve been better,” he admits. “You?”

Rey snorts. “I spent the entire last month of my life lying to everyone I care about. You could say it hasn’t been great.”

“And now you’re here, the place you insisted you’d never be.”

Rey glares at him.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” Kylo says. “I was just wondering… if it’s as bad as you thought it would be.”

Rey watches his face, watches as the corners of his mouth tense into a thin line. 

“I don’t like the architecture,” she says. “No green.”

“That’s your main complaint?”

“It’s not my _main_ complaint. I think that’d be the fact that one of your officers is likely currently plotting how to slip poison into my morning Caf. But the color scheme is _a_ complaint, I suppose.”

His expression turns very serious. “I would never let one of them hurt you.”

“ _I_ would never let one of them hurt me.”

“Right.”

She smiles. “But I appreciate your concern.”

Kylo shifts his head on the pillow, sort of like a nod. “I just—you matter to me. I keep messing up on how to tell you that. Sometimes I think the thought gets lost—which is incredibly frustrating, because I pride myself on being articulate. But with you it just… falls away. I can’t say what I mean, I can’t—now I’m rambling.”

He turns to lay flat on his back, looking up at the ceiling. Rey mirrors this herself, and although she cannot see him, her whole body is acutely aware of his nearness. 

“You matter to me too, Ben.” She says this to the void of the ceiling above her, but it’s obvious he hears her. 

After what feels like an eternity of silence, he leans over and dips his face to kiss her on the forehead. 

Just like before. And though her heart may be certain of his intent, her mind still has not puzzled out entirely what to make of this.


	44. Forgiveness

Rey wakes up with the stressors of the day before feeling like a distant memory. She wakes up with her arms wrapped around  _ him _ —her left arm draped comfortably over his shoulder. This time, she does not pull away. 

A minute later she feels his arms deliberately pull her closer, and then he rolls over so their faces are inches from one another. She feels impossibly content—the strangest, wrongest feeling, given the circumstances. But it is as if the Force is calm and settled inside her, as if that constant torrent of fear and internal degradation has silenced just for a single moment. 

Kylo shifts to face her. Rey almost blushes. She had no idea that he was awake. But his gaze makes her feel something other than embarrassed. For so early in the morning, the look he gives her is  _ heated. _

“You’re right,” Kylo says as a way of waking greeting. 

“I am?” 

He nods. “It is better like this.”

Neither of them feel the need to elaborate. She watches as his eyelids droop and fight another bout of sleep. 

Rey’s sight falls—inevitably, it seems—to his lips. She’s  _ kissed  _ those lips. It would be naive to say that he had just kissed her when she most certainly put in the effort to kiss him back—to feel that  _ rightness  _ that exists when two people finally just feel what they want to feel and do what they want to do. 

But she was a different person then, and this month made her realize there are far more important things in life than fretting over kissing. She has no intention of letting any personal feelings derail this mission yet again. Kissing Kylo isn’t just thoughtful, it’s  _ complicated.  _ The galaxy can’t have complicated right now, not when the alliance is as fragile as glass. 

So she watches him fall back sleep, deliberately pushing any thoughts of kissing him from her mind.

Kylo actually gets up first. He has other things to attend to, he explains. The next meeting about the mission will be in the afternoon. Rey insists he gets her one of  _ those tablet things _ so that she can do some research on the weapon and  _ Absolution.  _ He accepts this request and not long after Kylo disappears, a droid appears in the room with technology for her to search the First Order Holonet. 

She then Comms Finn, and tries not to remember the strange undertones of her previous conversation with Rose. Finn, for his part, seems unaware of any sort of dissonance between Rey and other Resistance members. They spend hours in the morning just talking over battle plans, and Rey feeds him any information she can find on the Holonet about Hux’s weapon. 

“Poe’s making a huge fuss about how we let you go with Ren” Finn says. “He says it’s not right, that we’re not protecting our own.”

“Well, I’m not dead yet. So there isn’t much reason to worry.”

Several moments of silence pass. 

“Do you still think we’re doing the right thing?” Finn asks. “I know you propositioned this—working with Ren. But in practice, Rey… I just don’t know if we can trust him to do what he says.”

Rey doesn’t quite know how to reply. How can she comport the deep sense of trust that she’s built within herself for Kylo? It’s not the sort of thing where one could just say, _trust me!_ She’s not quite sure how they’ve even gotten _this far._ It’s miraculous, really. 

“That’s why I’m here, Finn. To make sure Ren stays good on his word.”

“Yes, but Rey… you don’t know him like I do. You haven’t seen how he is in the Order out of combat—”

She almost laughs at the irony of his words. 

“If anything, I think we can put trust in Kylo Ren’s quest for power. He does not want Hux to be able to blame this on him.”

“So you really think he isn’t bluffing? That there is a failsafe that he can shut off?”

“Why wouldn’t there be?” The thought had never occurred to Rey.

“I don’t know. Part of me wonders if he isn’t trying to  _ lure you in _ .”

“Lure me in to what?”

“I don’t know! Maybe to kill you, who knows. Something about all of this just feels off.”

“If he was trying to lure me in, you wouldn’t have been suggested to be the liaison!”

“ _ Leia  _ suggested to me. And I declined because my work is here. But  _ he  _ suggested  _ you _ . Don’t you find that weird?”

Rey can feel her heart starting to race. “We’re Force users, Finn. It makes sense for us to combine abilities.”

Finn thinks in silence for so long that Rey begins to think the Comm has shut off. Eventually, his voice crackles through. 

“Just… be careful, Rey. You are more than our Jedi, you’re—you’re the best person I’ve ever met. No war is worth losing you.”

Rey’s heart warms. “Finn….”

Finn sniffles on the other end, and tries to cover it up with a cough. “Plus, the last thing I need this week is to have to fly out to  _ Supremacy  _ and save your ass  _ again _ .”

Rey snorts. “Are you talking about Starkiller? I was  _ fine _ before you, Han, and Chewie—”

“ _ Fine _ is a strange word for it. Ren’s just lucky I didn’t kick his—”

“ _ Hey _ !” Rey laughs. “We’re  _ allies _ with Ren. You can’t just—what if he—” Rey quickly looks around, but no, Kylo has not returned to his room. She wasn’t suspecting he would any time soon. 

“Is he there with you? Put him on.”

“I don’t think  _ put him on  _ is the proper way to summon someone like him. Besides, he’s not here. I think he schedules being evil for the morning and reluctant do-gooding for the afternoons. I’m not supposed to meet with him until much later.”

“Where do they have you, anyway?”

“What?”

“Where are you staying? It’s not a cell, right? Because—”

“It’s not a cell. It’s a…” Rey looks around, trying to think of what to say. “ _ Room.  _ Just a room. Nothing special.”

“Alright. Well, thanks for all this Holonet stuff, Rey. Sola Ren has been pretty helpful, but she gives me the creeps and I pretty much avoid asking her questions whenever I can. I’ve got to go. Be safe, okay?”

“Okay, you too, Finn.”

A few hours later in the day—early evening, if Rey is correct—her tablet pings with a notification from Kylo. Rey frowns, then clicks the message. It opens up to read two simple words:  _ Come Upstairs.  _

So they’re ready for her, then. Rey makes sure her lightsaber is securely strapped to her belt—she has no idea how she’s authorized to walk around with it, but she’s grateful for that—and heads for the lift. 

She never really considered that this whole situation would make her friends suspicious. Sure, Rey has wanted to turn the war and defeat Hux for a while, but  _ this  _ specific setup is something she had no hand in orchestrating. Surely the shock on her face when Kylo suggested  _ she  _ come to  _ Supremacy  _ had seemed immense to her friends? Rey tries to keep herself calm. The more natural she can seem about the whole situation, the less suspicion will arise from her friends.

Unfortunately, when she steps into the lift she is met with an unwelcome face. Rey recognizes Commander Ladir from the meeting yesterday—the one Talaa threatened to take a tongue from. He’s much younger than most of the other commanding officers—probably a few years older than Rey herself. She steps into the lift beside him. 

“Hello.”

“Jedi. Headed up, I assume?”

She’s irked by  _ Jedi,  _ but says nothing of it.

“Yes.” Rey makes sure to leave asu much space between them as possible. Ladir notices the floor they have stopped on and raises an eyebrow. 

“Staying with the Knights of Ren, are you? Supreme Leader must want to keep a watchful eye on you.”

“I’m known to wander,” Rey supplies in response.

Ladir studies her. Rey can feel his eyes burning into the side of her face. She is, undoubtedly, a puzzle to him. Rey can't degrade Ladir for this—if she were in his shoes, she  _ too  _ would be vexed by the girl from the Resistance. 

“Apologies for the show yesterday,” Ladir says with a complete blandness of tone. “It is nothing against  _ your  _ character, of course. This is an unconventional matter and we must proceed with caution to protect the integrity of the First Order.”

Rey feels the strong urge to punch Ladir and his  _ integrity  _ right in the face. But, as many times before, she tries to take a page out of Leia’s book and put the mission first. Brawling with Ladir in the elevator would be fodder for a First Order mutiny against the decisions of Kylo Ren. She does not need to provoke this man more than she already has merely by being here.

“Of course,” she says sweetly.

Ladir seems satisfied with this response, which makes Rey burn inside. 

“I’ll admit, I am impressed that your little Resistance mind can even stomach the sight of Ren after Hosnian Prime. And that’s not even the worst of what he’s done. Anything for order, they say. Coruscant is just lucky he’s decided to deem this attack ‘senseless’ and a threat to his ego, otherwise we’d probably be sitting back and shining our boots until it was all over.”

Rey suddenly feels like she’s about to be very ill. The levator becomes blurry around her, and when the door opens she stumbles into the hallway beside Ladir. She heads towards—no, she can’t go to the conference room. She’s very much feeling like she doesn’t want to see him right now. A voice tells her that this is  _ exactly  _ what the officer wanted by making that comment to her and that she should brush it off. But the problem is it’s  _ true.  _ It’s true and she’s been trying to ignore it for a long time.

Kylo has hurt many people, has  _ killed  _ many people. And she’s sharing a bed with him like it never happened. 

_ Mission first,  _ she reminds herself. Her personal feelings for Kylo can’t get in the way. It is, actually, with her dear friend Pree from Coruscant in mind that she approaches the conference room. Coruscant is full of people like him. She is going to make sure they get to live.

Kylo seems to read the sickness on her face the minute she enters the room, but likely does not understand it. Rey takes her seat at the head of the table opposite of him as the meeting begins. She can feel eyes passing to her frequently—especially those of the Knights of Ren. But there is no attention that can take Rey away from the storm happening in her own head. 

She’s tried to forget that Kylo had anything to do with Hosnian Prime. It was always easier to blame things on Hux, to think that in some way, Kylo was always searching for goodness. But he  _ wasn’t _ . And what is he doing now, saving Coruscant? He says he wants to atone, which is a good thing, but doing good things now does not erase the past. Rey desperately wants it to, but it doesn’t. 

He doesn’t ask to hear from her throughout the entire meeting, and Rey barely hears the conversation transpiring. It’s about  _ Absolution _ —they’re talking about the ship she’s planning to infiltrate and she isn’t even listening. Her brain simply won’t let her feel anything but shameful right now. How can she… how does she  _ want  _ him, knowing all that he has done? She hates him for those things, but somehow her heart refuses to abandon him completely. It’s the stupid bond, probably. It makes her want to see the best in him and forget the worst.

Near the end of the meeting, there’s an outburst from one of the officers. 

“Are we just supposed to prevent every casualty now? Our responsibility lies in  _ order,  _ not in saving everyone who can’t help themselves.”

_ People should always want to help each other.  _ The thought cuts through the cloud in Rey’s mind. 

“Of course not,” Kylo says. “Our responsibility is to lead the galaxy, not to save it.”

It is a miracle Rey does not get sick right there at the table. She swears that Ladir is looking at her out of the corner of his eye.

After the meeting—which seems to last hours, late into the night—Rey immediately latches onto Talaa Ren before Kylo can get to her. She doesn’t want to face him right now with his crimes at the forefront of her mind. As they exit the conference room, Kylo sticks behind and does not follow.

Rey manages to keep it professional until they step off the lift. That’s when Talaa takes off her mask and surveys Rey. 

“Are you alright? You look like you’re going to be sick—”

“I changed my mind.”

“What?”

“I changed my mind. Let’s party. Tonight.”

Talaa is apprehensive. “I don’t know. Did something happen? You seem—”

“Since when did you care how I  _ seem _ ?” Rey snaps. “Since when has anything other than antics been your priority?”

If Talaa Ren is hurt by this, she doesn’t say it. A stoic look crosses her face, and then she nods.

“Alright, sorry. Fine. I’ll call Jynna and—”

“Where’s your room?”

She leads Rey down the hall to a room not far from Kylo’s. It’s not an apartment, but rather a standard sized bedroom. Talaa grabs a bottle and pours Rey half a glass. She taps some buttons on her Comm, and a minute later Jynna appears.

Jynna takes one look at Rey and frowns. 

“You look like you’re not okay,” she says bluntly.

“I’m  _ fine _ .”

Talaa says nothing, but casts a nervous glance Jynna’s way. This only irritates Rey more. 

“Seriously, what happened to drinking and dancing and  _ having fun?  _ I just want to have fun.” She takes a big sip from her glass and it burns going down her throat. 

“I’m not drinking anything when you’re being volatile,” Jynna Ren tells her. “Now can you  _ please  _ just tell us why you’re upset?”

Rey crosses her arms. It’ll sound so stupid to them—the deep feeling of guilt and confusion she’s experiencing right now. They’re  _ Darksiders,  _ anyway. Kylo’s crimes are probably light fare to them. But they aren’t to Rey. They aren’t little things she should be letting hide in the recesses of her mind. 

Surprisingly tender looking, Jynna steps forward. “Tell me what’s going on, Rey.”

Rey doesn’t want to tell them. But she does want another drink.

“Ladir,” she grumbles. 

“What?”

“ _ Ladir.  _ He—”

Talaa Ren starts pacing. “Oh I’ll  _ kill  _ him. What did he do? Did he threaten you? He’s dead. He’s  _ dead _ .”

“He didn’t threaten me.” Both women look confused. “He didn’t threaten me. He just… he reminded me of Hosnian Prime… of Kylo’s… crimes.”

“You know what he’s done.”

“Yes but I had tried to  _ forget _ .” She doesn’t know how to explain something to them that isn’t even a problem in their eyes. “I didn’t… well I don’t want to think about all the terrible things he’s done. But that’s  _ wrong.  _ How can I be Resistance and feel as I do? I’m such a fake.”

“You’re not—”

“But I  _ am.  _ I fake being a good Resistance member, and I fake the way I know him. I try to make the bad things he’s done so small in my head. But they’re  _ not  _ small. And what kind of person am I to just…” she can’t finish the sentence. 

“I think you’re a good person,” Jynna says. “I think you have more heart than anyone I’ve ever met to let all these people in, regardless of what they’ve done in the past.”

She doesn’t  _ want  _ to be a good person, for her own misguided idealisms and repressions to be shaped as charity. Why is everything’s value based on how  _ good  _ it is? Sometimes people are shit. Sometimes  _ she  _ is shit and Kylo is shit and Jynna and Talaa and Rose and Leia are all shit. 

“Give me the bottle, Talaa.”

Talaa grips the bottle tighter. 

“I said  _ give it to me, Talaa.  _ I don’t want—”

“No! I’m not feeding into whatever  _ this  _ is right now. So you feel guilty about liking a person who’s done bad things? Go talk to him about it. Be  _ honest _ . Don’t just… kriff, I don’t even know what you’re doing right now. I don’t think this is you, Rey. Now I can’t know that for sure, because I’m not you, but from what I can tell, hiding and sulking things away ins’t the way you want to deal with your problems.”

Rey deflates. Kriff, how did she let Ladir  _ get  _ to her like this? It’s because within his undercutting words is a kernel of truth. She  _ does  _ feel guilt laying on her. It holds her back from so much. 

Talaa sits beside Rey and places a reassuring hand on Rey’s back. 

“Rey… I really think you should go to bed. Do you want to go to bed?”

Rey nods feebly. 

“Good. Right. Well…” Talaa and Jynna exchange a glance. Jynna finishes the sentence. 

“You’re welcome in one of our rooms of course, but I really think—”

“I just need to sort this out.” Rey sniffles and then stands up with as much confidence as she can muster. “I’ll talk to him. And I—I’m sorry.”

Shr rushes out the door before her friends can respond. 

Immediately upon reentering Kylo’s apartment, she senses his presence in the Force in the bedroom. He must sense her, too, because they collide in the doorway between the two rooms. Kylo steps back and allows Rey to enter the bedroom.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, and despite herself, Rey suddenly feels afraid of the conversation she was going to have. And so, she deflects. 

“Nothing.”

“Rey… there was clearly something bothering you at the meeting tonight—” He cuts off as she steps past him and begins to kick off her boots. Rey doesn’t even think about it, with her back turned to him she peels off her shirt and switches it for a t-shirt. 

“Is the endless state of war not enough to make me upset?” She asks, her back still to him. 

“It is… but it’s a bit…  _ uncharacteristic  _ of you. If you could just tell me who or what upset you—”

Finally, she cannot bear it anymore. Turning around, she faces him with tears soaking her face. 

“I can’t forgive you for the terrible things you’ve done.”

Kylo looks perplexed. “What things?”

“Hosnian Prime. Crait. All of it.”

“Oh.” He’s clearly put out at the abrupt change of conversation from this morning. 

“Whoever said I was asking you to forgive me for those things?”

“Nobody,” She averts her eyes. “Nobody asked me to, but  _ kriff,  _ Ben, I can’t—I can’t just keep convincing myself like you haven’t done terrible things.”

“Why would you convince yourself of that?”

Because it makes things easier. It makes these  _ feelings  _ inside of her feel less villabous.

“It’s not important  _ why _ ,” she snaps. 

“Rey, you know I have done bad things.” His voice is measured, patient. “But I’m also trying to atone for the things I know were wrong.”

“And what about the things you don’t see as wrong? You pick and choose what is bad.”

“If we’re following the line of logic I think we are, I am not the only one who does this. The Resistance—on Starkiller—”

“ _ Yes I know _ ,” Rey snaps. How could she forget? It haunts her everyday to realize she played a part in so much loss of life, that the Troopers on that planet died because of a plan that  _ she  _ partook in. Perhaps things could’ve been different—perhaps if not conditioned from birth, those Troopers would’ve lived completely different lives. But they will never know. And they died.

“You think I can’t remember? You think it doesn’t haunt my own thoughts—and Finn’s especially—every day? The difference is I feel  _ so fucking horrible  _ for what happened there and I never want to see it happened again, regardless of if it’s  _ senseless  _ or not.”

With his own verbiage thrown back in his face, Kylo becomes irritated.

“Is this what it’s about—something I said in a meeting? I am saving these people today. Is that not enough for you?”

“It’s not about it being  _ enough _ . It’s—it’s the fact that the most important thing to you is curating your image, and that’s why you’re doing this.”

Kylo looks affronted. He takes a step towards her. “How do you know what matters most to me?”

Rey pauses. 

“How do you know, Rey? Have you  _ asked?  _ Or just  _ assumed?” _

“The Force—”

“But this isn’t the Force, is it? This is you feeling guilty for  _ something  _ and opening up this wound for yourself for absolutely no reason. I know that you do not forgive me for the things I have done and I am not asking you to. But they are  _ my  _ burdens and  _ my  _ choices. You are trying to take them on, for whatever reason, and I will not let you. And there are many things that matter to me, Rey. This mission included. But you won’t  _ know  _ what matters most unless you  _ ask. _ ”

She feels, momentarily, almost like walking away. Not because he’s wrong, but because it’s  _ difficult.  _ His actions are not worthy of her forgiveness. Doing the right thing now does not erase the past. You can plant a seed in a barren wasteland, but making something grow does not balance out everything you’ve destroyed.

“I’m sorry that I can’t forgive you,” she says. “I feel like if I could, then—”

“I do not deserve sympathy for my actions,” he replies. “Nor would I want you to spend time searching for it. But you still have not asked me what matters most to me.”

Despite being teary-eyed, Rey still has the sense to look exasperated. “Is now really the time? I think we’ve kind of got something going on here.”

“There will always be  _ something going on _ , Rey. That much I have learned. But, when you’re ready to know what matters to me—especially what matters  _ most _ —all you have to do is ask.”

The First Order. 

Power.

Control.

There is a whole entire long list of things that he could say. And Rey, selfishly, does not want to hear them. She does not want him to spit out some answer that will only reaffirm how  _ wrong  _ it is for her to pour her feelings of care into him. Asking him what matters most would be the most terrifying thing she has ever had to do—even scarier than kissing him back. 

Rey looks up at his face—sees him wanting _ ,  _ desiring her to ask the simple question. But her mouth has gone dry. 

No, she can’t do this. She’s not ready—

“We are never ready, Rey.” 

Kylo reaches up and brushes his thumb against her jaw, and then silently they press their heads together. Rey closes her eyes, and the only thing she feels is the sensation of his voice echoing in her mind.

_ We are never ready.  _

Her heart feels like it is in her throat. How can this beautiful, peculiar feeling emerge from connecting with a person that has done such horrible things? Ladir wondered how she could  _ stomach  _ the sight of Kylo—and the answer is that she simply just  _ can.  _ Because of the bond, because of their conversations, and because it’s  _ him.  _ It’s vexing and surprising and everything else, but just as she cannot give him forgiveness, she cannot give him hate, either. 

“I—I need to sleep. Talaa says I should sleep.”

Kylo kisses her softly on the forehead, and then leads her towards the bed. She has not answered his question, but there are seven more days for her to find the courage to speak. Something has shifted between them, though Rey does not yet know it. Perhaps, oddly, a new beginning emerges.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! sorry that this fic is like 90% rey working through her feelings but i just feel like she's got a lot of stuff to sort through lol. i do promise happy things will happen though! my semester starts this week (stressful and exciting) so I'll probably be back to updating once weekly until this thing is finished! thank you so much for reading.


	45. Lasting

Rey organizes—on her own terms—a more concrete plan of attack with the Knights of Ren. It’s not that she’s avoiding Kylo persay, more that she simply wishes to have the space for herself, to consider what he implores of her. 

_When you’re ready to know what matters to me—especially what matters most —all you have to do is ask._

What a frustrating thing to say. Does he not see, not understand her intent? Rey treads lightly with Kylo on _Supremacy_ because she is looking out for the good of the mission. The last thing anyone needs is for some irreparable rift to open up between them. It almost happened last night, after her conversation with Ladir. This implores her to keep the officer at arm’s length. After all, she’s not exactly here to rub elbows with First Order aficionados. Kylo has done next to nothing to convince her of the effectiveness of the First Order in creating a better galaxy. Rather, she has begun to speculate that they just have a different definition of better over here. His idea is straight laced, everything tightly monitored under one strong authority. But when Rey sees a better galaxy it is a bit freer than that. She wonders, sometimes, if the legitimate need for such an aggressive authority is really there. Of course, living on Jakku has helped her understand that planets need a way to negotiate and interact with each other. Otherwise, a place like Jakku would be swindled out of everything it cannot produce itself. So there needs to be an agreement, per say, between all of the planets. But people should not be dying en masse over something semantic. 

She begins to pick up on cues that Kylo is perhaps trying to woo her a bit into the First Order grandiose; as if big ships and shiny uniforms mean anything substantial to her. There is a real disconnect between having power and using it ethically. Kylo Ren can force his way into any corner of the galaxy with a ship like this, but would it do any good to the inhabitants of those planets to have their way of life disturbed by a force like this? She doesn’t think so. 

The largest ideological shift in her has been through communing with the Force. And this cannot really be attributed to Kylo at all, but more to Rey’s own persistence and some guidance from Jynna Ren. Jynna’s advice, in juxtaposition to Kylo’s, has always felt a bit less loaded. That is, she seems to say what she thinks for the purpose of saying it, not for a desire for any particular outcome. Kylo on the other hand has clearly been obsessed with Rey’s own journey in the Force to see how it aligns with his own. She Herself is not so concerned with this, because even as they are bonded in the Force they are still separate people. She does not in any capacity have plans of shaping her journey so it can run alongside his own. If their fates can intertwine, that is something different. But she does not feel that these things should be pushed. If they can happen, they will. 

He gives her a pretty wide berth for the next few days, and Rey suspects this is sort of a goading technique. Does he really think that she is going to ask him about his desires if he leaves her alone? She’s not in any capacity desperate to know things that might deflate her image of him in her mind. Besides, she has other things happening, and the dynamic of their relationship is not currently existing at the center of her universe.

Even with their habit of staying rather separate during the days, they still spend their nights together. There is not much—if any—conversation between them that is not professional. But each night just before she is to fall asleep, he kisses her gently on the forehead. She has started to lean over and kiss him on the forehead as well, because, honestly, it seems strange to her that she would not. The first time she does this, he seems surprised by it, but Rey can tell the soft advance is not unweelcomee. Perhaps he was just not expecting the gesture to be returned. 

All of this distance does better to ease her conscience with the Resistance as well. She spends hours on the Comm with Finn, Rose, Poe, Kaydel, and Leia as they lay out the elaborate plans for the mission. The more they talk, the more Rey realizes that a lot of this is riding on her, which is ridiculous because that’s not the job she signed up for. Wasn’t the hard part uniting the two sides? Why does she have to do this, too? Okay, admittedly, the true hero of the situation is Finn. He has very clearly stepped up as the champion of this mission, placing his reservations about Ren aside. Rey is like the mouthpiece for the First Order, seeing as the Resistance wants to work with the First Order but not actually work with them in the sense of day to day chitchat. 

Rey and Kylo exist in this separate but productive state until her second to last night on board. She comes back with a meeting with Annik and Jynna Ren where they had been discussing the different exit strategies on Absolution to find Kylo standing in the kitchen when she arrives, dressed like a formal stranger.

Okay, he is not dressed wildly—slim black pants and a formal grey shirt and suit jacket lined with gold—but he looks, well, not like Kylo Ren. And Rey is perplexed, because she has a whole stack of things on her agenda tonight and assumes he has the same. Still, her curiosity is piqued. 

“Headed out for a night on the town?”

“Something like that.” He adjusts his cuffs, then walks into the bedroom to examine his hair in the mirror. 

Rey, despite her recent campaign of indifference, follows him in. 

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

“Off the ship?”

“Yes.”

She frowns. He’s leaving the ship? So close to the mission?

“I should be back pretty late. While you’re still asleep, I’d guess.”

“Who says I was going to be asleep?”  
He runs a hand through his hair before turning to look at her. 

“I don’t understand.”

“It sounds like you’re going on a mission without me. A fancy clothes mission, at that.”

A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “I am going on a… reconnaissance mission. The fancy clothes are a part of it.”

Kylo brandishes his hands in an uncharacteristically jaunty, yet also distinctly awkward, way. Rey stutters out a laugh in disbelief. 

“Are you showing off your outfit?” It’s so unlike him that she can’t be sure that this moment is real. Perhaps she’s conjured it to mask all her recent stress. 

“Okay, I’m coming with you.”

His jovialness falls away. “No, you can’t.”

“And why not?”  
“Because this isn’t Resistance business. And it’s a one person job—”

“You’re going somewhere without backup?”

“I don’t need backup.”

Rey snorts. “You sound like me. Which—I’ve been told, in this context—is not a good thing. Let me be your backup for whatever this is.”

“What about being a liaison?”

“I’m still doing that,” she says. “The plan is as set as it’s going to be with the Knights. We know we can’t move yeet, so I’m… idle. Which means the most liaison-y thing I can do is keep an eye on you.”

Kylo examines himself in the mirror again and straightens the cuffs of his sleeves. Rey feels a strange sensation settle in her stomach as she watches him do that. 

“You want to keep an eye on me?” he says, not looking at her. “I thought you were keeping your distance.”

Kriff. Why is he… good looking. It would be just a little bit easier if he wasn’t attractive. Rey just likes _looking_ at him—whatever that means. As she speaks, she tries to make her voice come out nonchalant. 

“I’ve had other matters to attend to,” she says. “Not involving you. But they’re sorted now.”

He laughs quietly to himself. “You always switch up the minute something interesting comes along.”

Rey frowns. “What?”

“I just mean we probably wouldn’t speak until _Absolution_ if you didn’t run into me getting ready to go out.”

“I wasn’t _avoiding_ you,” Rey insists. She’s just been… selectively placing her intention. For the good of the mission. “And you should let me help you. Having a Force sensitive as backup would be—”

“Fine.”

She blinked at him. “Fine?”

Kylo shrugs. “If all goes well, this shouldn’t be dangerous at all. That is why I’m not bringing backup. It’s also… sensitive. I couldn’t just bring anyone along. But you—you can come. I… I wouldn’t mind having you with me.”

Oh. 

“But you’ll need to change,” Kylo informs her. “The setting is rather… indulgent. You don’t happen to have a gown in that bag of yours, do you?”

She shakes her head. “No. I don’t. But… I think I know where I can get something to wear.”

\---

Talaa Ren shouts as she tears apart her wardrobe. 

“You are _ridiculous_ . I love fancy clothes missions but he _never_ lets me go on these secret outings. That’s why Jynna and I like casinos. It's practically the _only time_ we get to wear fun clothes.”

Finally, the Knight pulls out the fancy black suit and lace bodice that she wore on Naboo _._

“You’ll have to wear this one. I can’t find yours.”

It’s a bit more… promiscuous than Rey’s original choice. But she supposes it won’t really matter on the mission. 

She quickly changes and Talaa secures two twin braids on the crown of Rey’s head, leaving the rest to fall in waves over her shoulders. 

Finished with her work, Talaa steps back. “You look hot.”

Rey looks in the mirror and nods. “Yeah. But do I look... indulgent?”

Talaa snorts. 

“Is that what he called where you’re going? It just means there’s going to be _rich people_.” She turns her nose up at the notion. 

“Talaa… you do know that _Kylo_ is rich, right?” Rey asks. 

Talaa narrows her eyes. “Yes, _Rey_. I have realized that. But he’s the military sort of rich—which I also hate, don’t get me wrong. But my guess is if he’s getting dressed up… well, it’s going to be the sort of people like you encountered at that First Order gala.”

Rey shares her disdain. Her own date for the ball, Bale Thanas, is not a nice man. 

“Great,” she grumbles. “And now I’m looking all hot for what? I don’t even know why I pushed him to take me along—”

“And I can’t believe he is taking you! When he gets into the whole _I’m doing this alone_ mood, nobody can crack him out of it. You, my dear, have more power than you even realize if the Supreme Leader of the most important military regime in the galaxy is so willing to make concessions for you.”

Rey doesn’t know what to make of Talaa’s revelation. Although, she has to admit, sometimes his own decision making is… questionable. So maybe it could be a good thing that he listens to her. Not that Rey’s track record with choices is much better, but still.

Rey and Kylo reconvene, and he stares at her for a long moment before nodding. 

“We’re matching,” he says.

Rey froens. “What? Oh—”

She looks down at her suit and shrugs. “I had to borrow it from Talaa. And you’ve got that grey shirt underneath, whereas I have all of this frilly stuff—lace, it’s lace—which is pretty in theory but actually now I’m quite cold…”

Kylo closes the distance between them and Rey trails off. He places one hand on her shoulder and squeezes. 

“You look beautiful,” he says. 

“So do you.”

Leaving it at that, they head for the hangar. 

“So,” Rey surmises as they walk, and Kylo’s face is on full display, “You’re counting on the new wardrobe keeping you unrecognizable on the ship?”

“Most people don't know my face,” he reasons. “I normally walk around with the mask because I also, you know, have the cowl and the lightsaber on full display. It would be pretty obvious who I was.”

In a simple suit, though, they just look like two people. Fancy dressed people, sure, one with a massive facial scar and both with lightsabers hidden from view, but also not the Supreme Leader and the girl from the posters. Rey surmises she still could be recognized as ‘the Jedi’, but the thought likely hasn’t occurred to Kylo, seeing as he let her in on this plan kind of late. She hopes the gold eyeliner and rouge on her cheeks along with the outfit makes her look different enough. She does look rather… rugged on those wanted posters. But rugged is her normal state, so it’s not an inaccurate likeness. 

“Nicknames?” she asks as they approach a small port of ships. Kylo blinks in confusion. 

“What?”

“I was thinking we would use our nicknames for the mission. I thought you said this was secret?”

“Oh, right.” he nods, but she gets the feeling that his mind is elsewhere. In the mostly deserted port, Kylo stops in front of a small craft and turns to her.

“I forgot to tell you something,” he says, his cheeks quickly redding. “I had intended to go alone, and we can’t take my personal ship. The one I have cleared for this is… well, it’s only built for one person.”

Rey shrugs. “Let’s take two, then. I’ll just follow you. I can fly—”

He shakes his head. “No, I mean, the ship is nondescript, but it has some… _enhancements_ to the security. It’s the only one. You—if you want to come, we have to…. squeeze.”

Oh. Now Rey is blushing, too. “It’ll be fine,” she musters. “I’m short, remember?”

“Right.” But Kylo doesn’t look convinced. In fact, he looks a little bit _embarrassed_ , and for what reason Rey isn’t sure at the moment. 

But after he climbs inside the ship and Rey enters after him, she understands. When he meant one person, he really meant _one person_ . That is, one seat. As in, she’s got to _sit on his lap_. She tries to keep any surprise or embarrassment from her face. There’s no reason this should be weird. She wouldn’t mind this situation with Jynna, or Rose, or any other friends… so it shouldn’t matter now. 

He’s already finished preflight checks when she settles on his lap. Rey leans forward, trying to at least give him the comfort of not having her all up against him. But after a minute, Kylo says “you need to lean back so I can see,” and she’s all pressed up against his chest. She doesn’t have to look at his face to know that he, too, is blushing furiously. How can they go from fighting and not speaking to _this_? Rey needs to keep out of other people’s affairs more, otherwise she’s going to end up sitting on lots of laps in lots of ships. Of course, those other situations wouldn’t be nearly as tense for… reasons. 

“Ready?” he asks, his voice dry and heavy. 

“Is this safe?”

“When have you ever cared if something was _safe_?”  
She turns her head to glare at him. Kylo gets the hint. 

“We’ll be fine. For the flying part, at least.”

“Comforting. Okay, I’m ready.”

It’s going to be a while before they reach planetfall, so Kylo explains the mission. Rey is surprised to hear that their destination, actually, is Coruscant. 

“You couldn’t pick—oh, I don’t know— _any other planet_?”

“Who I need to see is here.”

“But Hux—”

“Is watching _Supremacy_ closely. He doesn’t know I’m heading on-world. And I want to keep his attention on the movement of the fleet.”  
Rey rolls her eyes. All these stupid power games are exhausting to her. Kylo is playing a perplexing strategy with Hux: show your hand, let him know your coming. It’ll seem so absurdly obvious, that he won’t be able to look away.

“So, who are we going to meet today?”

“His name is Karo Riis. He’s the second most wealthy person on Coruscant.”

“Who’s the first?”

“His wife.”

It feels weird to talk and not see his face, but Rey is worried that any adjustment of position would result in impairment of his view, and that’s the _last_ thing she wants to do. Besides, facing forward allows her the power to…. Ignore their current setup, which is making her blush more by the second. 

“Why aren’t you meeting the wife, then?”

“Ivvy doesn’t like me very much,” he says. “Besides, she’s a pretty busy person. I’m sure covert dinner meetings with the Supreme Leader are not high on her priority list.”

Curious, Rey thinks that meeting with him would be high on _anyone’s_ priority list. It’s all very suspicious.

“And what is the nature of your meeting with Karo?” Rey inquires. She feels the side of his forearm press up against her own as the small ship makes a gentle turn. 

“That’s need to know.”

“I need to know!”

“You’re my _backup_ , right? Like I said, this is First Order business. You can… hide in the shadows, scope out the scene.”

“ _Scope out the scene_ ?” She’s not his kriffing _bodyguard._ But then, why did she ask to come if not to fill that role? Rey had said Kylo needed _protection._

“Sit at the bar, see if anyone looks like they know who I am and wants to kill me.”

“I can’t _believe_ you were intending to do this alone. Why not at least bring one of the Knights—”

There, in front of them, is Coruscant. Rey catches her breath at the sight of the planet. 

“I trust you,” Kylo says lowly. “I know—I know it drives you crazy, Rey, to know this about me. But I _trust you_. And even though you’ve been ignoring me, I still trust you. So yes, I was going to go at this alone, because I never let another person watch my back when things are so secret. But you, you’re different.”

A message from Coruscant airspace cracks through, and Kylo requests permission to land. 

\---

The climb out of the ship together and Rey is relieved to have the space from his lap. It was… too close. Not good for what she’s trying to do. 

The city planet sprawls all around them, tall buildings that seem limitless in proportion. Save for her visit to the apartment of Bale Thanas, Rey has never been this high up on the planet, where the wealthy and elite live. Her heart longs suddenly for Pree—a friend in the oddest place. She still knows that living on a city planet is utterly unappealing to her, but it does not take away the longing for the simplicity of her time hiding here. 

Yes, she was hiding. She has come to terms with that now. Sometimes… well, sometimes people are afraid. It didn’t feel like running away at the time, and maybe it was or maybe it wasn’t, that isn’t the point. The important thing is that Rey came to Coruscant to find who she was separate from all of the people in her life who influenced her. So she was _hiding_. Not from the war, as she thought, but from people. People who sometimes believe they know her better than she knows herself.

But hiding can only last so long, it can only be the balm for a limited amount of time. She doesn’t _want_ to be stagnant—to hold herself in places where people cannot find her. That is not who she has ever been. Going to the gala with Bale Thanas was the first step on her journey out of hiding. It was shedding the outer layer of the shell she had built around herself to let other people see who she was becoming. 

_Becoming_. It’s a transitive state—something always shifting. And perhaps it never ends. Perhaps people are always molding and changing with no end in sight until one day they aren’t alive anymore. Rey just thinks that before Coruscant, she hadn’t taken an active role in her own becoming. Other people had shaped her too much, she had not seen herself properly. But now, back on this city planet where hiding and blending in is perhaps the easiest thing to do, she knows that she has much more control over herself than before. She is becoming on her own terms. 

Across the landing pad are two tall doors that Rey assumes lead to the restaurant. As if on cue, out of them scurries a tall and thin-faced man in an expensive fashioned violet suit. 

Kylo turns to her quickly. “I don’t need one,” he says. 

She frowns, confused. “What?”

“You asked about nicknames earlier but I was... distracted. Karo knows who I am, so there’s no point. But _you_ —”

Karo moves within earshot, so the last bit of his thought is whispered down the bond. 

_You are Kira tonight._

“Supreme Leader!” The man says jovially. Some people are so _perky,_ Rey thinks. How do they maintain it?

Rey separates herself from Kylo and begins to move towards the doors to the restaurant, but Karo stops her. 

“Is your friend not joining us?” Karo asks, perplexed. “Because it’s no trouble! No trouble at all!”

“Let’s keep my name a bit more discreet tonight, Karo,” Kylo says. “And the girl—she is… not dining with us.”

Karo glanes between Kylo and Rey and shakes his head. “Nonsense! Your friend, she is welcome at our table. What is your name, dear?”

It is clear the man is not going to give up. So much for blending into the shadows. 

“Kira,” Rey introduces herself, and then firmly shakes Karo’s hand. He rushes back inside to make sure the table is set for three, and Rey and Kylo slowly follow him to the door.

Kylo loops his arm in Rey’s, and they give up the mirage of indifference altogether. It’s not a conscious choice, more a _feeling_ . Rey’s not sure what it means that he holds onto her so easily. She’s not sure what _any_ of this means: her being here, his quick change of offer for her attendance, his confession of _trust._ None of it feels real. 

The doors open to the top of a magnificent stairway. Below, Rey can see a bustling restaurant with maroon floors and the wealthiest of the galaxy dining at black wood tables and in more private booths. They descend the stairs together into a magnificently large room with windows that stretch as far as the sky. Rey suddenly feels like she should not have come at all, that this is not a place for people like _her._ She—she just started eating with a fork a little over a year ago. These people bleed money, they—

Kylo leans over, the edge of his lip lightly brushing up against Rey’s ear. He whispers to her. “Even before you had a single credit to your name, you have always been worth more than all of them,” he says.

Karo has procured them a booth close to the windows on the outskirts of the restaurant. Nobody passes much of a glance at them as they pass, and Rey suddenly feels a deep sense of revelation for how great it is to be _nobody_ again. It’s not so much the inconspicuousness of it that matters, but the fact that she feels like she’s claiming her own perceptions for herself again.

Kylo offers for Rey to slide into the booth first—a tall, soft, black structure that makes the rest of the restaurant disappear. Then he sits beside her. 

They order drinks. Karo orders something fancy that Rey has never heard of, followed by Kylo. Rey, not quite in the mood for alcohol, just orders a water. 

“I have to admit,” Karo says, “I was surprised to hear from you, especially on this matter. I would’ve never considered—well, it is unorthodox for me to be so directly involved in these matters.”

His eyes drift to Rey who is trying to look expressly disinterested in the conversation—which is difficult because she is, in fact, intrigued. 

“You can speak freely in front of Kira,” Kylo says. “She is a trusted consultant.”

Again, Rey can feel Karo examining her, sizing her up. She’s surprised herself to have Kylo give her the vote of confidence to a stranger. 

“Right, well, a project like this being hidden, well, it’s no easy task. And you know Ivvy doesn’t do charitable things, so—”

“You would of course be fully compensated by the First Order,” Kylo says. “What suitable properties would be available?”

“Anything you want, of course. Ivvy—well, she has connections to every broker on-world and beyond. We could have a place cleared out in a week if it’s to your liking.”

“I’m sorry,” Rey cuts in. She turns her attention to Kylo. “We came here so you can buy _property_?”

He already has the lakehouse. Rey doesn’t understand why he would need _another place._

Karo responds first. “Some sort of First Order headquarters he says, once things have settled down.”

“First Order—wait, you’re planning to run the government out of Coruscant?”

He’s insane if he thinks she’s going to let _that_ happen. As far as Rey is concerned, the First Order should have no business making long term plans of governing right now. 

“We’ll discuss it later, Kira,” Kylo says. And in his eyes, Rey sees he’s oddly _desperate_ to get away from delving further in front of Karo. “I believe I requested some _specific options_ , Karo.”

“Right! Of course.” The man produces a file folder and slides it across the table. It’s all sort of _old fashioned_ sleazy, Rey thinks. Do rich people think expensive dinners and fancy drinks and file folders are still the only way to get things done?

Kylo flips through the file folder, and his voice fills Rey’s head. 

_What do you think of him?_

She nearly jumps out of her seat. _What?_

_Karo. Do you think I can trust him to keep this hushed from Hux?_

Rey studies the man. He had seemed so light, so eager to please. But with Kylo absorbed in reading, the only thing Karo looks like is _ancy._ As if he’s ready to jump out of his own skin at any moment. 

_He’s terrified,_ Rey says. _Whether it is to let you down, or to have betrayal discovered, I have no idea._

_You can tell. Watch him closer._

Karo takes a sip of his drink. A second later he takes another. And then another. His eyes begin to dance around the room, from table to table, person to person. As if he’s… looking to see someone. Or perhaps looking to _not_ see someone. Something just isn’t quite right. 

_I don’t think you should trust him,_ Rey says honestly. _Whatever property you’re wanting to buy, it’s probably not worth it._

_Hux has compromised him._

“Any frontrunners?” Karo blurts. “I—I would like to pass along the word to Ivvy…”

_Definitely compromised._

Kylo swiftly closes the folder and slides it back across the table. 

“We’re finished. I’ll be in touch.”

Karo’s face turns red. “But—but you should _decide_ while the market is—”

“Is what?” Kylo raises an eyebrow. “You know who I am. If I want it, you will procure it for me.”

Karo bows his head. “Of—of course.”

He tries once more to restart conversation, but Kylo quickly shuts him down with some Force persuasion. 

“Leave the restaurant. Forget you have seen Kira and I here.”

Unable to resist, the man clammers away. There is not a moment to breathe, though, because he is swiftly replaced with the waitress. Kylo orders not just another drink, but a _bottle._

Since the booth is rather secluded, and they are virtually unknown randoms in the restaurant, Kylo leans back in the seat and breathes a sigh. Rey studies him for a moment, sees how _tired_ he looks. 

“Ben?”

“Mmm?” He opens his eyes to look at her beside him. 

“Why did you go to a _real estate_ meeting alone? There’s no secrets here! You should have not come without backup. I thought this was going to be… I don’t know, _something else._ ”

“It is.”

“What?”

“It _is_ something else. I’m not… I’m not looking for a property for the First Order. And Coruscant is just one of the many options I was considering. It’s just the story I told Karo.”

Rey is surprised. “Then what—what are you trying to do?”

“I don’t want to tell you.”

“Yes you do.”

Now _he_ is surprised. Kylo sits up straighter and looks at her. “Oh, really?”

“Yes. Because if you didn’t want to tell me, I wouldn’t be here.”

The waitress returns with the bottle and two glasses. Kylo says they’ll pour themselves, and she disappears.

He reaches for her empty glass, but Rey stops him. 

“I don’t want any.”

He shrugs. “Alright. But next time tell me that _before_ I buy the bottle.”

Rey rolls her eyes. “We’re getting off topic. Why are you buying property?”

He bites his lip, and downs half a glass before responding. 

“I want to build something,” Kylo says softly. “Something that will last.”

“Well, I think everyone wants to do that.”

“I don’t mean _regular things,_ Rey. I’m talking about...a path. A place where people like you and I don’t have to feel so… lost.”

 _People like you and I…_ it clicks in Rey’s head. 

“You want to start a school for Force sensitives.”

Hearing the words out loud seems to cause Kylo to finish his glass and pour another. 

“I—I can’t be a teacher of the Force. Not to kids, Rey. But if I could afford to _build_ a place… well, there are people who could teach those things.”

Rey puts her hands up. “You better not mean me,” she says jokingly. “I think it’s well established that I struggle to be a moral compass.”

He smirks. “As _interesting_ as you are, Kira, _no_. I was talking about some other people that I know, that—no offense—know much more concrete information about the Force than you do.”

Rey perks up. “Jynna? Because she’d be _great_. You know she hates the First Order. She wouldn’t say it to you, but she does. And she’s so...wise, you know? Have you asked her?”

“I have.”

“And?”

“And she thinks it’s impossible with the war going on. But maybewhen it’s _over…_ ”

Kylo could already have a place lined up. They could offer a place for Force sensitive people to learn about the nature of their connection and live with their families. 

“Ben, why isn’t Jynna here?” Rey studies him, and he shifts uncomfortably. “ _Please_ tell me she knows you’re actually looking for properties.”

“She _wants_ this, Kira. Jynna… she was with Skywalker longer than the rest of us. She knows the good and the bad of his teaching. Me, I just know the bad. I can’t… I can’t make judgments on what to keep and what to throw out. Besides, who knows if I’ll even _be here_ when this thing—”

“—be here? Why the hell wouldn’t you be here?”

He takes a sip of his drink.

“Ben.”

Another sip. And another. 

“ _Ben._ Why wouldn’t you be here? Is there something I don’t know—”

“It’s war, Kira. People die. _Leaders_ die. And if I don’t walk away from this,well, I don’t want there to be any issues for Jynna with affording a place to build this.”

“You are not going to _die,_ ” Rey reaches up to touch his face. “I am not allowing you to die. You do not have my permission.”

He smiles wanly. “And since when do I need your permission to do anything?”

“Since right now. Since your soul is so close to mine I could reach out and touch it. That… that means I get a say.”

The air in the restaurant has become very warm all of the sudden. And Ben, well he has suddenly become very _handsome_ with his soft hair and flushed cheeks and too-kissable lips. His thinking seems to have gone down the same line as her own, because when he speaks next, it is not the same voice as before. 

“Kira… can I be honest with you?”

How many drinks has he had? Three? Four? No wonder he’s in the mood to be honest. Rey smiles softly. 

“Yes, you may.”

“When you left me on Naboo, it broke my heart.”

Her smile falls away. 

“I had to go back—it was the only way.”

“There was another way.”

“And what was that?”

“It was you, and me. _Us._ Together. I’ve always wanted you to join me. I never thought you’d leave.”

She sighs. If he hadn’t been drinking, he wouldn’t say these things. But then still, would he be _thinking_ them?

“I left for good reason, you know that. And if you really wanted there to be an _us,_ you knew where to find me.”

She taps her head. 

“The bond,” he resigns. “But it’s not the same, is it? It doesn’t feel like _this_.”

Kylore aches out, and runs his hand down the side of her face. 

“No,” Rey shivers. “No. It—it doesn’t.”

The space between them in the booth grows smaller and smaller until they’re pressed closely side to side.

His eyes trace over her shirt. It’s barely a shirt by definition with this much skin showing, Rey thinks. More like a long lace bra. He leans his head on her shoulder and Rey’s heart pounds in her chest. 

“It could feel like this all the time,” he mumbles into her shoulder. “It could _be_ like this all the time, Kira. You. Me. All you have to do is stay.”

“Stay?”

Rey can barely think straight. Her finger traces the line of his jaw and she looks down into those glassy eyes. _Dark_ eyes, like space itself. 

“Forget the Resistance, Kira. Stay with me.”

It is like a bucket of cold water poured over her head. She shrugs him off her shoulder. 

“I’m not joining the First Order.”

He has the audacity to look _irritated._

“We’re nearing the end of this war stuff. Now is the time to let it go and—”

“Let _what_ go, exactly?”

“Your obsession with a galaxy that will never exist!” Kylo bursts. “The things the Resistance wants, they _won’t work._ The First Order has plans, it has _reason_ —” 

She pulls back farther from him. 

“I can’t even _believe_ you would say that to me about this—this _horrible machine_ that you’re a part of.”

“Horrible machine?” he narrows his eyes. “That _machine_ is the reason a whole quarter of this planet won’t be blown to _shit_ in a few days.”

“And you wouldn’t do a thing if the Resistance didn’t call upon you! The First Order has no heart, no _humility_ . Resources are nothing without _goodness_ —”

“There is no goodness,” Kylo says. “Surely, by now, you must know that. People… people won’t be _fair_ and _just_ because you want them to. Was it friendly and equal on Jakku? Did you have _friends_? Or did every single person take the first chance to stab you in the back for their own personal gain?”

“That was different. And it was only that way because one person controlled us all, _made_ us fight for the resources we needed to not starve to death.”

He scowls. “See? This is the problem. You don’t—you don’t _listen._ If you did, you’d just _change your mind_ and you’d never have left Naboo.”

Rey can feel tears forming in her eyes. She tries to force them not to fall.

“I have considered almost _every fucking thing_ you have said to me. And it hasn’t been easy, but every day I bend my morality for you, Ben. Sometimes maybe a bit too far. And what do you do for me? You _sit_ on that _throne_ that you know I hate—the throne that stands for power and control and suppression. And I’m supposed to just accept it because _you_ think your way is best? I… I gave up the Jedi shit that I don’t believe in. I almost get myself killed for changing _my opinions_ and straying against the perspectives of my best friends. I _bent_ and I _changed._ Maybe before I was ready. But you—you’re unwilling to see, or maybe unwilling to _want_ to see what shit I do because it hasn’t come to the conclusion _you want_.”

“I just want you, Rey.”

Her face pales at the sound of her real name. 

“Have you considered that in your analysis of me? Because you seem to have it all figured out. But let me admit the thing that you refuse to know: _I just want you_.”

He pulls out of the booth and storms away. Rey quickly pays their server and follows him up the stairs to the landing pad. Kylo is standing frozen just inside the large doors. 

“Hey! We’re not done having this conversation—”

He spins around, clamping a hand over her mouth. She furiously pulls it away.

_We’re being watched._

Every part of her—every furious, fighting inch—becomes paralyzed. 

_What? Where?_

_The ship. Outside. It’s being monitored. They must think something is up and are watching it closely to see if anyone comes by to claim it. We need to lay low for a few hours until they leave it alone_

Kriff, how can the Supreme Leader and a notorious Force Sensitive in fancy evening wear possibly _lay low_? 

“Ben,” Rey says slowly. “Where are we on Coruscant?”

He tells her their address and Rey’s heart skips a beat. 

It’s not far. Sure, the trip will be difficult, especially when he’s so clearly not sober. But… it may be their only option. 

“Come on,” Rey takes his hand as casually as she can. “I have a friend I want to visit before we leave.”


	46. Connection

Traveling inconspicuously with a tall and threatening looking man is difficult enough. But when he’s _hammered_ —when he’s incomprehensible and _not_ sober—well, that is a different matter entirely. It is nearly _impossible._

But fortunately, they make it to their destination. Rey doesn’t even look at her old apartment. Is it waiting for her, empty? Or has somebody else moved in since her abrupt departure? Surely she’s broken some clause in her lease by now. 

She holds her breath and knocks on the door across the hall once, twice, three times, before it swings open. 

“What sort of impatient—oh what the _hell_?" Pree is shocked. He lunges forward and wraps his arms around Rey in a tight squeeze of a hug. This is a bad idea, because at this point Rey is pretty much the only thing keeping Kylo standing. Pree seems to notice this, and he quickly ushers them inside. 

“I’m sorry to barge in like this,” Rey says. “But he’s drunk. _Really drunk._ And I think we’re being followed, so I—I had nowhere else to go.”

Pree assesses Kylo with his eyes and nods. 

“Toss him in the bedroom.”

“He’d be fine on the couch. You don’t have to—”

“The _bed_ , Rey. I can change the sheets easily, but if he throws up on the upholstery, it’ll be a pain in the ass.”

Rey looks over at the couch. It _is_ rather small for somebody so tall. She relents to hauling Kylo into the bedroom and practically throwing him on the bed. 

“ _Stay in here,_ ” she orders. 

“Is that your friend?”

“Yes, now—”

“I want to meet him.”

“You just did. Now—”

“Proper meet him. All your other friends hate me. Let me sit up and—” but he _can’t_ sit up. And Rey smiles smugly. 

“You are an idiot,” Rey remarks. “Like, actually, the biggest idiot I’ve ever met. Why would you drink so much?”

“It’s hitting me in a rush. Give me some time, I’ll be better.”

“Good.” Rey crosses back to the door. “And _stay here_ . I have to figure out how the hell I’m going to explain this away. The last thing I need is you barging in with your notion of _properly meeting him_.”

Kylo finally relents to laying back to sleep. 

As soon as Rey shuts the door to the bedroom, Pree is on top of her. 

Rey opens her mouth to give gratitude, to give an apology, to give _anything,_ but Pree holds his hand up. 

“Before you say anything, you need to give me a spin.”

“A spin?”

“Rey, you show up at my apartment mysteriously looking like _this_ , we need to make a little commotion for the suit. Give me a spin.”

Rey cracks a smile. “Fine,” she says. “But only because I _do_ look good.”

She steps back and does a slow twirl to show off the entire outfit. Pree claps when she’s finished. 

“Magnificent.” He takes her hand, leading her towards the couch. “Now, tell me why you disappeared with no contact, and then showed back up looking all sexy with _the_ infamous boy at your side.”

Rey blushes. “How—you remember that conversation?”

She’d vented about Kylo plenty to Pree, though never by name. Rey was kind of hoping he had forgotten. 

“Of course I remember. I love gossip.”

“But—” she looks to the closed bedroom door. “How did you know _he_ is _that_ guy?”

Pree rolls his eyes. “I can connect dots, Rey. I’m basically a professional dot connector at this point.”

“Oh.”

“And what you failed to mention last time—that the man of your affections is _Kylo Ren_.”

Rey ceases to breathe. _Kriff._ Did she call him by name? How does he _know_? As if sensing all of her questions, Pree continues. 

“Don’t ask me how I know. It’s a long story consisting of a series of revelations with today being the final piece. The important thing is that _you_ , my dear, are _here_ , and I want to know why.”

With Kylo’s identity out on the table, Rey sees no reason but to be honest. “We were at a dinner and some of Hux’s men were watching the ship. I think it should be clear to leave in the morning. But we don’t have much time…”

“People have been talking,” Pree says. “About Kylo. That he’s planning an attack on Coruscant—”

“It isn’t him. It’s Hux and he wants to frame Kylo and seize power.”

“Ah, I see.”

“Why did you let me in if you thought he was going to attack your planet?” Rey asks. 

Pree shrugs. “I trust your judgement,” he says. “But what I _would_ like is an explanation of what happened after you took off with Thanas to a First Order gala and never returned.”

She tells him the story, starting with the lunch where Rey convinced Thanas to bring her along. Rey tells him about her Force sensitivity, and how she’s able to convince people of things. She admits, too, that she manipulated Pree into not recognizing her as Rey from the Resistance. Luckily, he doesn’t seem too upset by this. 

For an hour, Rey just comes clean. She tells him about Naboo, and then the Resistance, and her time on _Supremacy._ She tells him the history of the Jedi of the Resistance and the Supreme Leader of the First Order—how they became enemies, how they became friends, and how they became _this_ , this _thing_ that they are now. Pree listens closely, asking questions at appropriate moments and keeping silent at others. Eventually, Rey runs out of things to say.

“So, that’s what’s happened with me. What about you?”

Pree blinks, so in shock he almost misses her question. “Oh! I’ve just been working, you know. Pity you’re giving me the juiciest gossip in the entire galaxy and I can’t share it with the office, but whatever, I forgive you.”

Rey cracks a smile. “My life is a mess, I know. I don’t need a reminder of how bad things are—”

“Messy isn’t _bad_ ,” Pree says. “Your life is _interesting._ Yes, there are a few… problem areas. But you’re _living_ , Rey. That is a glorious thing.”

Rey leans back on the couch and closes her eyes. “I’m sorry for showing up like this and making you give up your bed. I’m a bad friend.”

“It’s okay. I owe you, remember? Now we’re even.”

This makes her feel better at least. 

“Now as long as you two don’t get up to anything in my bed, we won’t have a problem.”

Rey blushes. “Of course not. It’s not _like_ that. We’re not—”

“Seems like it.”

“Well it’s _not_.”

She feels like she’s had this conversation a hundred times. Are people always inquiring about _her_ to Kylo? This feels like some one-sided bullshit. 

“If you _must know_ , we kissed once on Naboo. But things have been tense since. I don’t think it’s slated to happen again anytime soon.”

Pree shrugs. “You know the situation better than me. But by reading into what you’ve told me and what I just saw? That man wants to kiss you. Probably a lot.”

Rey considers this. “Well, before we left the restaurant, he said _I just want you._ What the hell does that mean in real life? He wasn’t really in any state to elaborate.”

“I think it probably means just what it sounds like. And if you want to know, you should just ask him.”

“I should _ask him_?”

“Yeah,” Pree smiles knowingly. “Can I be honest with you for a second? You can be kind of… blind sometimes. Like, when people say things, it’s usually because they _mean_ them.”

“I know that.”

“To know it and to practice the belief are two different things. If Kylo Ren says he _just wants you._ That, to me, sounds like he at least _likes_ you. The question is: do you want _him_?”

Rey shrugs. She did, or at least she thought she did. But now, she’s not so sure. Wanting is a weird thing, when she thinks about it. She’s not looking to lay some sort of ownership over him or anything. It’s just that complicated as it may be, having him in her life just feels _right._ So she wants him in the sense that it seems like it just makes sense to do so. There are also so many _implications_ to wanting, so many things to sort out. What if she isn’t cut out for all that it entails?

“I can see the wheels turning,” Pree says. “But for once, I’m going to say don’t think. Just…do you want him?”

Does she want him? _Does she?_

“I… I think I do.”

“There it is,” Pree smiles. 

“But it’s more complicated than that! We—we’re _involved_ in things. I can’t risk creating some riff when other people’s lives are at stake.”

“What’s the risk if it’s mutual?”

Everything. _Everything._ Because if it is mutual, she can’t just keep these feelings tucked and sheltered away in a little pocket. She has to _have_ them, to _use_ them. And that—that is something Rey has never done before. She doesn't know _how_ to do it.

“I don’t know if I even want… _something_ between us,” she admits. “It makes everything so complicated for him and for me.”

Pree looks at her sadly, and Rey squirms under his gaze. It’s not _sad_ what she’s saying. It’s actually just, well, honest. Not only does Rey not know how to take the next step with Kylo, she isn’t even sure that’s what she wants. It’s an impossible complex. 

“You know what I wish?” Rey says. “I wish for once, I could just get what I want in life and see if it’s something good before I commit to it. Everything is so… unpredictable.”

“Life would be a lot simpler, yes. But this chance is all so _exciting._ I mean, you and I met through chance. Trust me when I say this building is full of total bores. If we’d never met, I wouldn’t have a friend to show up mysteriously at my apartment with the Supreme Leader. My life would have significantly less drama in it.” He places a hand on Rey’s arm. “Look, Rey, not everything is meant to work out in life. That’s just a fact. But we only find things out by taking leaps.”

“Taking leaps,” she repeats. It feels like her life is one big leap. She’s always jumping from one thing to the next, never knowing what is important and what will stick. Rey wonders if she has the strength within herself to take _this_ leap, to face the fact that it might be unpleasant and a total failure. 

Pree sighs. “Okay, you’re clearly very tired. I can take the floor and you can have the couch—”

“No, it’s okay,” Rey shakes her head. “He—I need to check up on him. And we… usually share a bed, anway.” She blushes fiercely as Pree raises an eyebrow. 

“I am not going to comment because this is your life,” he begins. Rey wishes she could run and hide from embarrassment. Why didn’t she just accept his offer and take the couch? Kylo can handle one night without her. 

“But _Rey_ —” Pree gives her a knowing look. 

Unable to meet his eyes, Rey darts for the bedroom. “Goodnight,” she calls. “And thank you.”

“Goodnight, neighbor.” 

She shuts the door and finds Kylo laying flat on his back and staring at the ceiling. 

Rey wordlessly peels off her jacket and stares down at her lace top and pants. Now feels like a bad time to ask Pree for a spare pair of pajamas, and she kicks herself. This isn’t exactly comfortable sleeping attire and _kriff,_ she forgot how cold these apartments are. That doesn’t explain why her face is still so warm, though. And these _braids_. How the hell is she supposed to undo these things quickly? They feel like they’re squeezing her brain and Jynna gave no clear instructions for unraveling them. 

“He’s handsome,” Kylo says. 

Rey, barely listening, blinks in confusion. She hadn’t considered that a solid hour had passed since she last saw Kylo. Clearly, he has sobered up quite a bit.

“What?”

“Your friend, Pree. He’s good looking I suppose.”

“Oh,” she shakes her head. “I—I never thought about it. I guess he is.” 

“You _never_ thought about it?”

“Not really,” Rey shrugs. It’s not like she sits around all day subjectively labeling everybody’s appearances. 

“I thought you two might’ve been involved while you were here,” Kylo says with a passive tone. But he’s _interested._ Rey can tell. But why would he care about her friendship with Pree—

“Wait, are you asking me if Pree and I _dated_ ?” She nearly laughs. Never—not _once_ —has she thought about Pree as anything other than her friend. It’s not that he isn’t an amazing, beautiful person, it’s just that Rey doesn’t _think_ of those things often. Friendship, to her, has always felt more like this high and sacred relationship status. 

“I was just curious.”

“Well, we were never together. If you’re so… _curious_ about it. 

“Are you jealous?” Rey blurts. Then she regrets the question. Kylo raises an eyebrow. 

“Do you _want_ me to be jealous? Are there people I should be jealous of?”

She shakes her head. “No. I mean, if there’s anyone I’ve thought about kissing—other than you that one time—it’d be—” she stops short. “Nevermind.”

“No,” he leans forward. “You can’t start that and not finish! _Who_?”

Rey shakes her head. There has been _one person_ over the past few months. And it was once, only once, that she wondered about kissing them. Then she realized it wasn’t ever going to happen. And that’s her secret to keep. 

“It doesn’t matter.” She plops down on her side of the bed and reaches for the end of one of her braids. 

“Wait—”

“I’m _not_ telling you,” Rey shoots at him. “Some things, Ben, are _personal_. And I didn’t mean to say that, so just let it go—”

“Your hair,” he says softly. Rey turns around to look at him. 

“What about my hair?”

“I can unbraid it for you.”

She’s confused by the proposal—no, _shocked_. Kylo Ren certainly does not seem the sort to be qualified for such a… tender action.

“Why would you do that?”

“I—my father used to help my mother sometimes. And when I w as little I would help too. I can show you a memory if you don’t believe—”

“No, I believe you,” Rey says quickly. He certainly doesn’t have to _prove_ it to her. The idea of him unbrading her hair feels very… personal. Rey can’t quite describe why. As if sensing her confusion, Kylo speaks. 

“You don’t have to say yes,” he says. “It’s an intimate thing, I know. I just—kriff, I don’t know why I offered…”

Wordlessly, Rey turns so her back faces him and her braids are on full display. It would be more sensical to say _yes_ , but she just can’t find the words right now. After a moment she feels steady fingers unravelling the first tie, and then slowly, methodically, Kylo begins to unravel the first braid. 

“I’m sorry about tonight,” he says over her shoulder. “I think part of the reason my father would volunteer to do this is that it’s easier to offer an apology without having to see the person’s face.”

Rey smiles to herself. “As far as dinners go, I’ve had worse.”

“Have you?” he asks. His fingers begin to brush against her scalp, and Rey feels breathless. She barely utters out her next words.

“At least… no one got Force-choked after the meal.”

The final piece of the first braid unravels. Both Kylo and Rey’s minds wander back to that fateful day on Centares where they shared a meal and then a fight. It feels like a memory that exists out of time. 

“Fair point,” Kylo comments. “But at _that_ meal, I wasn’t so confident you wouldn’t try to murder me overe dessert. So I’d have to say this one was an improvement.”

His fingers touch the second braid and he begins to work again—slower, as if he does not want this to end.

“I’m pretty sure I had my mind made up then.”

“I had my mind made up too.”

“That you wouldn’t kill me?”

“Among other things.”

Rey swallows nervously. “What… other things?” 

“That I had made the right choice. That flying across the galaxy with you was worth it even for just that short moment, even if it meant we never saw eachother again.”

Rey tries to gather her thoughts, but the softness of his voice and the feeling of his fingers slowly moving through her hair unnerves her. She’s rarely—as most people who know her would say—at a loss for words. But nothing right now seems to be the right thing to say. 

“I never wanted you dead, Rey,” Kylo continues. “You intrigued me when we first met. I was… mad that you had something I thought I needed. And then we fought, and it became more than that. I wanted to _know_ you.”

“You know me,” Rey says calmly. “You know me better than most people, Ben.”

“I want to. I want to know you, Rey.”

The last of her hair falls free, and she turns to him with a quizzical look. 

“Why would you say that?”

“What?”

“Why would you say you _want_ to know me? You already do. That’s why I’m here. You _trust_ me. You don’t trust someone you don’t _know_.”

Kylo gives Rey a long look. “You’re right,” he says. 

But it doesn’t _feel_ right. And Rey can’t help but feel like he’s lying to her. 

“I know your soul, your energy. But I wish… I wish I could know you like _he_ does.” He gestures to the door. “Or your friends back at the Resistance. They know you in ways I never have.”

“All that isn’t as special as you think it is.”

“But it’s still a way I don’t know you. They get to… go to go on missions with you, and sit at dinner and share embarrassing stories, and introduce you to new foods and laugh when you don’t like them.”

Immediately her heart begins to ache. It’s been _so long_ since she’s had those things with her friends on a normal basis. It feels like an eternity has passed. And he’s right that they don’t have those moments, but there are other things she shares with him that she doesn’t share with anyone else. 

“I lie to them,” Rey says. “I lie to them all of the time. About me, about my feelings, about how I feel about you. I lie to _everyone_ —”

“To me?”

“Yes,” she admits. “But I can’t just—sometimes, you know, you can’t just do the things you want to do.”

Kylo frowns, and Rey bites her lip. Doesn’t he _understand_ ? She’s trying to tell him something without _telling_ him.

“I don’t understand,” he says. “I thought lying wasn’t something we did.”

“Okay, maybe lying is the wrong word. I just… _evade._ I can’t tell you some things because they could mess up other things that are far more important than just you and me.”

He looks at her as if to say _nothing is more important_ but Rey can’t believe that. Kylo places his hands over hers, and Rey catches her breath. The energy between them tenses. 

“You mean the war,” Kylo says. “You’re worried that if things sour between us, it’ll affect the war.”

Rey nods. “I can’t—I won’t risk Coruscant, Ben. I can’t risk these lives.”

“You don’t have to worry about that, Rey.”

“I know you say that, but—”

“But you don’t believe me.”

“How could I?” Rey asks. “After everything, Ben, you have to understand my hesitation, my concern.”

“I would never allow something like this to happen, Rey! The First Order of the past has made errors, but now we don’t stand for this sort of thing and I don’t know why you can’t just _trust me._ ”

“I can’t close the door on the past, Ben. You have to know that.”

“The past is futile—”

“The past protects us,” Rey says. “I know what you believe, but the past… no matter what I try to convince myself, it guides me. It is my leading light. I trust what I’ve seen and what I know to tell me how to protect the future. And knowing the compilations of _us,_ I evade things that could be tenuous.”

“So you hide things from me because of… _the past?_ ” 

Rey feels like she wants to scream. Does he not _understand?_ She holds things to herself for the greater good, for the promise that this tentative friendship between them _worked_ and will continue to work as long as she doesn’t try to mess with it. 

“One thing,” Kylo says quietly. “Tell me _one thing,_ Rey, that you want to say but are scared to bring up. And then I’ll tell you one thing, too. And that can be it. We can say what we need to say, and both of us will promise to not let it affect the… _bigger picture._ Does that sound fair?”

She’s hesitant, but Rey reemebers what Pree said, and she decides. “Alright. Fine. Good.”

Kylo shifts backward on the bed, and Rey movs forward to sit facing him. It is just as it was on Naboo—the edges of their knees brushing up against eachother through the fabric of their pants. Rey wonders now if she was mistaken to take off her jacket coat and only have this lace shirt on. Her hair tumbles over her shoulders in waves with a few strands falling in front of her eyes. Ben reaches forward, brushing them behind her ear.

“You first?” he asks.

One thing. She can tell him one thing. Being honest would be… good, right? Especially if she can just say it and be done with it. 

“I wish I had Commed you,” Rey says, “when I was gone. I left, and I had to go, and I was mad at _you_ for not Comming _me_ , but I wish… I wish I had Commed and talked about something other than the war, _anything,_ really. I wanted to talk about those other things too but I was scared.”

She takes a deep breath. 

“Most of the time I don’t know how to say what I mean, because I never had people to listen before. But now I _do_ , and there are so many consequences when people listen. So I just—well, I keep to topics that feel safe.”

“Tell me one thing that isn’t safe,” Kylo says. 

Rey shakes her head. She can’t. She _can’t_. It goes against everything to take a risk tonight. And yet, her even being here falls at the end of a long line of risks, right? Besides, Kylo said they wouldn’t let tonight affect the rest of their lives. It could just live in this moment and not impact how they see eachother. 

“Pree said he thinks you want to kiss me, do you want to kiss me?”

She looks down at her hands, nearly forgetting that Ben’s hands are on top of her own. That last part wasn’t part of the plan, not at all. Ben reaches one up gently to tip her chin to face him again.

Rey meets his eyes, which are dark and searching, with more hesitation than usual. 

Kylo seems to hesitate for a moment, his lips parting briefly and then closing again. Rey wonders, momentarily, if he is going to be annoyed with her. 

“I always want to kiss you,” he says. “Every moment. Even when we’re fighting, or furious. Even then, despite it—or perhaps _because_ of it—I still want to kiss you. But you’ve made it seem that you don’t want to kiss me. So I don’t.”

And then he withdraws his hand from her face, and the other from her lap, and Reey’s heart begins to ache. She thought…. Well, she thought perhaps things were just too fractured between them to ever be repaired. But perhaps she was wrong in that assumption. 

“Ben—”

“It’s fine, Rey. I just, I wanted you to know because the last thing I ever want is you thinking that _I_ don’t want _you_. I… I do want you, Rey. I always will.”

Rey leans forward and kisses him. He freezes at first, perhaps surprised, but then after not even a half a second he leans in, kissing her back and running his fingers through her hair. Rey shifts forward and kisses him more fiercely and it feels like kissing is supposed to feel, strange and light and messy and perfect. 

Kylo pulls her in even more, until she’s on his _lap_ . And her hands are in his hair—his _hair_ , it should be a crime for him to have hair like this that runs so softly between her fingers. An errant thought runs through Rey’s head that maybe she can braid _his_ hair. But of course Talaa would have to teach her how. 

They both pull their heads away, though Rey does not make any attempt to create any other distance between theem. 

“That was—”

“Do you—”

“Yeah.”

And then they kiss again, but this time softer, slower, as if to savor the drop of every fleeting moment. 

Rey knows it can’t last. She knows in her heart that to let this bud and blossom would be very, very dangerous because the fate of the galaxy should not be dependent on matters of the heart. But for now, she kisses him over and over again until her lips are swollen and her hair is messy. It is then that she falls asleep with her cheek to his chest, knowing that even if this can’t last, at least she can have it for one night.


	47. Precipice

The ride back to _Supremacy_ isn’t awkward, per say. It’s just, well, _reminiscent._ Rey hadn’t thought much about the long reaching insinuations of climbing onto Kylo’s lap last night and kissing him. It slipped her mung that she would in fact have to spend a substantial amount of time sitting on that same lap the next day in relative silence.

He’s just such a _presence_ behind her. The man is _tall,_ that is to say there is a lot of him. Meaning, there isn’t a way Rey can sit on his lap without feeling the entire warmth of his body pressed up against her. 

There isn’t much to be said between them because, really, neither of them quite know where to start in approach of _what happened._ There was kissing. _Lots_ of kissing. _Good_ kissing, if Rey is any judge of the subject. Of course her kissing experiences are fairly limited, but as far as they go, she has to think that what happened between her and Kylo last night was, well, how it’s _supposed_ to feel. 

But there is no talking or kissing today. It was implied that any actions of last night would _stay_ there, meaning mention of it now feels, in a way, taboo. 

Saying goodbye to Pree was tough, and Rey had insisted that her friend put as much space between himself and Coruscant in the next day as he could. But Pree insisted he _couldn’t miss work_ and would just _hang around and hope for the best._ This seemed like a bad plan to Rey, seeing a s if they failed Hux was planning to take a fat chunk out of the planet with a massive weapon, but to each their own. 

At least he didn’t ask to hitch a ride with Rey and Kylo on their one person ship. Two is a crowd, but three would be a party. 

Arriving back on _Supremacy_ presents one of those rare occasions where Rey is grateful that the Troopers wear masks. At least she doesn’t have to see their expressions when Rey and Kylo clamour out of their ship together and head for the elevator. Kylo pushes a little Force energy onto them to make sure nobody thinks much about what they saw, but still, Rey feels her cheeks turn pink as she shows up on the ship still in last night’s suit. 

Kylo and Rey both head back to his room to change, and Rey immediately sets out to make contact with the Resistance through her Comm. 

“I thought Ren trapped you or something,” Finn says. “We’ll all be glad to have you back here in a few days, Rey. It doesn’t feel right that you’re there.”

Finn has know idea that his casual mention hits Rey straight in the gut. _Kriff._ She only has one more night here and then back to the Resistance she goes. Of course, that was always the plan. But… 

“I know,” Rey says. “I can’t wait to see you all, too.”

Her heart longs to be with her friends—to really _be_ with them, in the honest and open way she hasn’t been in so long. The truth of her relationship to Kylo has always been this lie hanging mysteriously in the air, but for a while Rey really _had_ closed that connection with him and she didn’t feel so insidious in the way she avoided mentioning it. But now, her connection with Kylo is this _thing_ that feels… not big exactly, but perhaps _prominent._ Like a little kernel of something that she carries around in her pocket and checks on every once in a while to make sure it’s still there. It’s small, it’s quaint, and to her it is important. Keeping that from her friends has always seemed like the safe choice, but it also just feels so _wrong._ Rey can only wish a simple solution would present itself. 

“Let’s just hope tomorrow goes smoothly,” Finn says. “I have to give Ren the small credit of actually working with us on this. Sola Ren has been… actually very helpful even though she is… well, you know…”

“Scary as shit?” Rey asks. 

Finn’s low laugh crackles through the Comm. “Yeah, scary as shit. She’s absolutely terrifying, and I spent time in the Order with those other people, so I would know. Thank Force she didn’t hang around much.”

Finn updates her on the flight plans, and all of the Resistance happenings in relation to the mission. And then, as things often do when talking to a close friend, things begin to delve into the personal. 

“Rose has gotten super jumpy lately,” Finn remarks. “Which is weird because she’s always been, like, the most centered out of all of us. But last night I stopped by Command to ask her if she wanted to meet Poe and I at dinner and she almost fell out of her seat.”

“She’s under a lot of pressure.”

“Yeah, but something’s _different_ now with her and I can’t figure it out. Maybe when you come back you can talk to her. She’s always seemed to like to confide in you and I the most, and I’ve had no luck.”

“Alright,” Rey says, although an uneasy feeling is settling inside her. She worries what could’ve caused such a shift in temperament of her close friend. Rey knows that she’s always been her jumpiest when there was some secret she was sitting on… mostly related to her and Kylo… 

“I’ve got to go, Rey. Thanks for checking in.”

“Bye Finn.”

“See you soon.”

She switches off the Comm and heads out of Kylo’s room and into the hall. Rey is immediately met with the presence of Jynna Ren stepping off the elevator. Her face brightens when she sees Rey.

“Talaa’s gonna be _pissed_ when she founds out I saw you first,” Jynna says brightly. She then seems to rethink this, and shifts towards a more serious demeanor. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Rey nods. “Fine. We had to lay low for a few hours on this mission as a precautionary measure but… we’re fine.”

Jynna nods. “Well, good. Do you want to come in?” she gestures to her room. 

Rey follows her inside and sits down on the bed while Jynna goes to grab herself some water.

“Are you ready for tomorrow?” Jynna asks.

They’ve gone over the plan like a hundred times this week. Rey doesn’t know if there is a way to possibly be _more prepared._

“I think so.”

“I know I’ll rest easier with Hux out of the way. We’ve never liked the threat he posed to Kylo, and finally being able to do something feels good.”

“Why didn’t Kylo let you intervene before?” Rey asks. 

Jynna shrugs. “I’m not one to talk bad about my superior, you know. But I must admit that Kylo can be a bit… _proud_?”

“And egotistical,” Rey offers, smiling to herself. “Like he can’t possibly see another way for things to be done without the plan being he does it all himself.”

“Exactly,” Jynna says. “Over time, I have come to love and respect him dearly as we all do. But the man is not without flaws. Nobody is.”

A silence falls between them. Rey turns Jynna’s words over in her mind: _I have come to love and respect him dearly_ . What is love, really? She wonders. It is a word she seldom thinks of, one that evokes visions of emotional grandess that have never fully aligned with Rey’s own life. But Jynna Ren says she _loves_ Kylo, so that must mean she has a greater understanding of the word than Rey has ever had. 

“What do you mean when you say you… _love_ him?” Rey asks aloud. 

Jynna looks over at Rey a bit surprised, and then sympathetically. “I am fond of him,” she says. “Not fond of him in the…. physical way. It is that I do not want to see him harmed. I value him. Obviously, there are many ways to love a person. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know,” Rey admits. “It’s just—I used to think love was some big moment that would wash over me and wipe every other feeling away. It was the sort of thing that would be so encompassing, you wouldn’t do anything else other than just _be in love_. I never thought about it being different than that.”

“You mean you never thought about a friend loving a friend,” Jynna says. Rey supposes this is true. Love itself is tainted with an unreachable epicness to her and is not something she could ever see happening casually. 

“Kylo says he doesn’t have friends,” Rey blurts, and then feels embarrassed. Because she is _not_ thinking about _Kylo_ in relation to love. She can’t be. 

Jynna snorts. “He is _pretentious_ ,” she says, and then comes to sit down beside Rey on the bed. “You know, likely, that the Jedi have a sort of rule against personal attachments.”

Rey nods. “Yeah, I never really thought that was a thing to carry on. It seems stupid that a person would need to be alone in life to convene with the Force.”

Jynna nods. “I thought so too. But some people, they thought we must take it seriously if we were to be Jedi.”

“Kylo?”

“Among others. Kylo has always been quite stoic—until you, I suppose—so we could never fully gauge his feelings on the subject. All I know is he never sought out attachment, and never reciprocated the feeling when it was brought onto him.”

“That’s…. very lonely.”

“It is. And he wasn’t the only one so caught up in it. When Jaina found out about that rule, she was _distraught._ She’s… kind of a romantic, I must say.”

Rey pictures the quiet tempered Knight. “Really?”

“Yeah. But the point is, people like Jaina and Kylo… they hold stringently to these ideals that have been hammered into them. They think that love is the bane of their journey and that they must avoid it. In turn, they push away anyone who they feel connected to for fear of love arising.”

So _that’s_ why he doesn’t make friends, Rey realizes. It’s not because he doesn’t have space for them, it’s because he’s afraid of the intensity of those sorts of relationships. 

“But it doesn’t make sense,” she says. “Because Kylo and I, we became friends. He hasn’t pushed me away.”

“Hasn’t he?” Jynna asked. 

Okay. Perhaps things have been more… _complicated._ But the push and pull between them comes from both sides, not just from him.

“Is it bad that I never thought much about being in love?” Rey asks. 

“What do you mean?”

“I just—I care about other people. I want people to care about me. But _love_ —I don’t know if I know how to do it and I’m scared I will waste my life if I never really put effort into finding it.” Rey blanches. “Don’t—don’t tell anyone I told you that.”

Jynna studies Rey for a long moment with a hard expression on her face, and Rey fears for a second that she has perhaps said the most embarrassing thing in the world. Kriff, even these almost-Jedi Knights think about love. Kylo has swerved to avoid it in the past. Perhaps Rey is some sort of defective. She’s got all the emotional resistance to be a loveless Jeedi, but none of the other attributes. Rey nearly excuses herself before Jynna places a hand on her shoulder. 

“Listen to me, Rey. You don’t have to go out searching for love in order to be a valid person. You are already _exactly_ what you need to be.”  
“But if I’m not focused on falling in love—”

“You work for love when you find it,” Jynna says. “But I know you, Rey. I know that you are many things, that you have many dreams and passions and things that you fight for. Just because ‘love’—some mythic concept we’ve built up in our own heads—is not your constant top priority does not invalidate everything that you are.”

It is true that Rey does not often think of love—of _loving,_ the act of it—in her regular life. And part of her is afraid that love is right there and she can't _see_ it, that she’s—in some way— _wrong._

“Have you ever been… _in love,_ Jynna? I’ve never seen you… you know… _with_ anyone.”

Jynna Ren huffs. “I have love in great measure. I have my sister. I have Talaa. I even have Maro and Sola and Annik and Kylo. There are many forms of love, Rey, and none of them are a greater triumph over the others.”

Rey considers this. “I have Finn,” she says. “He is so _devoted._ It’s like, he sees the right thing to do, and nothing can possibly stand in his way. Can you imagine that natural intuition? And I have Rose, too. She—well, she’s the person I go to when I need to talk. I know she sees me as a person, and she trusts me to do things—not that she often needs my help. She’s one of the most skilled and analytical people I’ve ever met. There’s Poe, too. Things are rocky between us sometimes, but I would take a blaster shot for him.”

Jynna nods firmly. “See? You know what love is. It’s all around you.”

“I suppose,” Rey smiles to herself. “Sorry to pry. I’ve just been feeling… conflicted lately.”

“I’d expect so.”

“Really?”

“I mean, your life over the past year is one of the most tumultuous paths I’ve ever seen. Jakku… the Resistance… and then all this mess with Kylo. No doubt it’s difficult.”

Rey settles back in her seat, feels the soft charcoal colored sheets below her dip with the slight press of her weight. Her eyes flit up to Jynna Ren in the lowly lit room. It must be deliberate, Rey thinks, that this room has such low light. Everything on this ship is so closely controlled. Somebody must’ve decided that the rooms on Kylo Ren’s wing deserved… _mood lighting._ Maybe Kylo requested it himself. The thought makes Rey almost laugh. 

She surveys Jynna Ren, a question in her mind. Rey seldom discusses her relationship with Kylo with _anyone,_ and certainly not Jynna Ren of all people. And yet, Rey knows in her gut that if she were to confide her feelings with this woman that Jynna would not betray her to Kylo. Not, at least, as long as she wasn’t threatening Kylo or something. 

“Jynna… can I be honest with you,about Kylo?”

The Knight nods, as if she’d been expecting the question. And Rey supposes that she possibly _was_ , what with her incredible perceptiveness. 

“I just—sometimes I just wish things could be _different_ between us, you know? He’s always asking me to see his ways and I’ve _tried,_ but I just do not agree and I don’t think I ever will. And sometimes… sometimes I wish we had met in a different universe, you know? Which is silly because if this universe was not our own then I would not be me and he would not be him and who knows what we would be? Would we even _know_ each other? I wouldn’t want to take that risk. So I guess instead I’m really longing for this shift. I want to get away from here, Jynna. I want to get on a ship and put as much space between myself and all this mess as I can. But I _can’t_ because there are people here that I love and events that depend on my involvement. So I have to stay and drag myself through it. Everyone thinks I’m so brave but I’m _not_. It’s—it’s performance, it’s doing what I have to do because my role in this war is to do it. But sometimes… I wish I could go. And I wish… that Ben would want to come with me. And I could never ask that of him, because who am I to compromise his values when I won’t compromise my own?”

Jynna looks at Rey, wide eyed. “Ben?”

“Kylo, I mean. Kriff. Sorry.”

Jynna doesn’t comment, merely walks over to her closet to peel off her shirt and replace it with another fresh one. Rey keeps perch on the side of her bed, feeling incredibly pensive. He _is_ Ben, and surely Jynna must know that. She’s known him much longer than Rey has. But he’s Kylo as well, and it isn’t like those two versions can ever be separated. You can’t cleave the bad—or the good—out of a person’s past entirely. It becomes imbued in the greater makeup of who they are.

“I know he’s Ben. It’s… a long story how I know, but I do.”

“You call him Ben?”

“Sometimes.”

Jynna exhales. “ _Kriff_ , Rey. I didn’t realize—well, nevermind. I suppose it’s not my place to draw assumptions.”

“You can draw assumptions,” Rey says. “In fact, _please_ draw assumptions because I’m tired of trying to figure out all on my own what this all means.”

Jynna sighs. “Well, it sounds to me like you can’t keep going on as you are. Something needs to change, right?”

“I don’t know. I—I’m scared of things changing.”

“Why?”

“I’m scared I’ll lose him,” Rey admits. “And you and Talaa and everyone else. I’m scared I’ll lose everyone after this is over.”

“You won’t, Rey.”

“But I _might_ . After tomorrow, I have to make a choice. I can’t keep toeing the line between enemy and friend when allegiances need to be declared. And if I don’t denounce you all… if I don’t denounce _him_ , I’ll lose all the people I love in the Resistance.”

Rey can hear the wavering in her voice. She’s going to _cry_ —right in front of Jynna Ren, one of the people she most respects. Jynna must sense this too, because she sits beside Rey on the bed and rubs her hand in comforting circles on her friend’s back. 

“The thing about love, you know, is that it’s unconditional. It might be difficult, but the people who love you will not ask you to throw other people away for them.”

“But when my friends find out that Ben and I—that we—” The remainder of the sentence is lost to silence. 

“I know,” Jynna says. “Listen to me, Rey. You need to center yourself, alright? Find your center—in your life, in the Force—find that center and let it guide you through this. The people who love you will still be there on the other side.”

“I want to, but it’s difficult,” Rey admits. She closes her eyes and feels the tears begin to fall. “I can’t—I’m _trying_ to understand, to center myself. But all the time, things are shifting. Sometimes I feel like Kylo and me, like we—well, like we understand each other, you know? And then other days I feel so numbingly isolated from his viewpoints that I’m sick with myself and that I’m just betraying my friends all the time.”

“Then take space,” Jynna says. Rey opens her eyes. 

“What?”

“Do what you said you wanted to do—take a ship and go. Take space from him, from your friends. Once this is over, Rey, you don’t have to stay here.”

She shakes her head. “No. I hid once, I’m not doing it again—”

“Taking the space to _heal_ is not _hiding_. And I’m just saying… if you wanted to disappear, to take space to center yourself, it wouldn’t be an outrageous thing.”

Rey takes a breath. It’s something to… consider. Truthfully, she has no idea what’s going to happen after tomorrow. She told Finn that she’d return to the Resistance. And she likely will. She _should_. But then… to leave and choose her friends over Kylo. Every day it feels less and less like a plausible choice. Not that staying here and leaving her friends behind feels any better. 

There would be implications in staying. Implications that Rey, currently, does not know if she can handle. Kylo wants to _rule._ Rey can’t—or rather she doesn’t _want to_ —be around that life. If only there was some middle ground—some _center_ —that she could find.

Rey starts for the door after leaving Jynna’s embrace. She has to prepare for tomorrow. To find Kylo and tell him that—

“Rey,” Jynna calls. Rey freezes, listening. “There is a myth in this galaxy that love is all encompassing, that you share yourself wholly with another person and it is so _deep_ and _rich_ that you’re basically two parts of the same whole. But… you are still yourself, even in love. You still have your own mind and heart and values. Nothing—not even love—changes that. Okay?”

Rey nods. “Thank you, Jynna.”

And with that, she disappears back into the hall to get ready for whatever is to come. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy everyone reading. lots of feelings and vibes this week but we r getting to the big things! thank you for sticking around for this long and listening to these characters debate things u probably didn't think needed to be discussed in a fanfic lol. I love reading all your thoughts and comments they always make my day :) stay safe and well!


	48. Travel

The members of the First Order attack team assemble in the small common area beside Kylo Ren’s private quarters. 

The remaining five Knights of Ren gather around the small central table, and then the two leaders of the mission enter the room. 

She had neither the strength nor the desire to lean towards transparency with Kylo last night. He had come to bed with shadows under his eyes and a look that said he just needed  _ peace.  _ Rey knows a lot about feeling that way, and so she decided perhaps for his own sake or her own selfish reasons, to not add to whatever he was feeling. Kylo had slipped silently into the sheets beside her and Rey had thought fleetingly that she should come clean to him in that moment, to verbally express the indecision that weighed so heavily on her heart. But instead, she had given in to that feeling fluttering in her chest that told her he didn’t need her  _ confessions  _ as much as just her  _ presence _ , and she kissed him longingly for what could’ve been minutes or hours. She kissed him and held him—or more mutually, they held  _ each other _ —all while knowing that this strange and tempting thing, just like everything else, would not last. 

Today the kissing should be the last thing on her mind. She’s sure Kylo is thinking nothing of it, because when she brushes her mind up against his all she finds is a stone wall of concentration. He’s thinking very delibrealty about the mission and  _ not  _ about kissing, so Rey decides to do the same. 

Kylo enters the room first and Rey steps in right behind him. Nobody says a word, although Rey can feel Talaa Ren searching her face across the room for clues. Rey has not had the chance to speak with her friend since returning from Coruscant, and now she probably never will have a moment alone with her. And what would she say, anway? That she and Kylo had kissed and he had admitted that he  _ wanted her,  _ and that these confusing feelings are budding inside of her that she can neither capture nor articulate? Talaa would surely make a big scene of it, and there is no room for the personal today. 

Kylo surveys the room to look at his friends—and they are his  _ friends _ , Rey has decided, no matter what he says. His eyes pass to her last, from the masked look on her face to that signature trio of buns in her hair. She wonders how she looks to him—ready? Afraid? A mix of both, likely. There is more in the balance of today than Rey is willing to admit.

_ I can get you out of here _ , Kylo says in her head.  _ You shouldn’t have to do this, Rey. None of this is your mistake to clean up. I’ll convince your friends to fly in on my word. _

It is tempting. Rey hates to admit that it is tempting. But it isn’t  _ real  _ what he’s proposing. There is no version of this scenario where she is just a passive outsider anymore. 

_ I’m coming with you,  _ she says.  _ No matter what.  _

She watches Kylo’s throat bob as his eyes burn into her face. Rey is careful not to give him any inclinations of her inward turmoil.

_ Are you okay?  _ Kylo asks in her head. Mercifully, before Rey has to contend with  _ that  _ question, one of the Knights clears their throat and Kylo turns back to the table to address them. 

“I’m not going to stand here and rehash the plan we’ve discussed for days,” he says. “You all know your responsibilities and what the most important things are. Get in, get out, don’t die. With any luck, we will walk out of this in a better position than we walked in.”

The team members all nod and Rey expects some sort of endearment from Kylo, or at least some thanks. But then, of course, she is mistaken. Without preamble the Knights begin to shift and disperse to prepare for exit. Annik and Jynna leave the room first, and before Rey can follow she is caught in the long, lingering gaze of Kylo. She wonders if he has something to say. But even if he does, she never finds out. Because Kylo looks at her, rigid and stoic, and then departs quickly from the room. 

“Oh I’d  _ pay  _ to know what you did to him,” Talaa says behind her. Rey turns around and glares at her. The other Knights seem disgruntled by the exchange, but Rey ignores this. 

“It’s fine,” she says to everyone including herself. “It’s fine, and we’re going to do this smoothly. I’ll see you all on the ship.”

Rey starts into the hall and Talaa Ren calls after her. 

“Rey! Wait!” But Rey can’t turn around and face her friend. Not when she’s feeling like this—like the whole galaxy is turned on its side and it’s up to her to flip it upright, like the only thing she is capable of doing is coming up with questions that have no answer. Rey cannot face the questions of Talaa Ren when she has no answers herself. 

Back in Kylo’s quarters for likely the last time for a while, Rey clips her lightsaber onto her belt and looks at her reflection.  _ Keep focus _ , she reminds herself. There’s no space for thinking about other things today. This mission is the  _ only  _ thing that matters and Rey cannot be distracted by any other feelings. She examines herself for a moment before noticing a dark figure leaning against the doorframe behind her. She nearly jumps out of her skin. 

“You scared me,” she admits. Kylo shrugs. 

“Sorry.”

Rey shakes her head. “No, it’s alright. I’m just… nervous, is all. Is there something you need?”

Kylo studies her for a moment from his spot against the wall. “You keep kissing me,” he finally says. “You acted like you were furious with me, and now you’re kissing me.”

Shit. She can’t do this today. Not with everything else going on. 

“I don’t think now is the time for this—”

“Now might be the only time we have.”

She turns back to the mirror, brushing a few stray strands of hair that have fallen out of her half-down hairstyle.

“Maybe it’s  _ because  _ I’m furious with you,” Rey offers.

“That’s a weird way to show it.”

Rey walks away from her reflection and passes Kylo through the doorway. 

“It’s time to leave,” she says, not quite meeting his eyes. 

\--- 

Rey finds it easier to think not of what could be, but of what is. It is with this perspective that she marches through the cold halls of the First Order ship to take her spot on the transport ship that will carry them to absolution. Talaa Ren and Annik Ren head to the front, to fly, and Rey, Kylo, Maro, Jynna, and Jaina sit in the back of the ship. When Rey shows up there are only two seats left—one next to Jynna and the other next to Kylo. She looks between the two hesitantly, and then takes a seat next to Jynna. 

If Kylo feels anything about the subject, he doesn’t say. 

“Are you ready for this?” Jynna Ren asks. 

Rey nods. “Yeah, like Kylo said, we all know the plan.”

“Right.” Jynna looks at Rey, and then over at Kylo and back. “Is everything alright with you, Rey?” she asks. 

“Fine,” Rey says, perhaps a bit too quickly. “It’s fine. I’m totally focused on the mission. Feeling  _ great _ , actually. Like, super prepared and everything.”

“Sure…” 

Jynna stands abruptly, and all heads turn to her.

“Kylo… will you… switch seats with me?”

Rey shoots Jynna a sharp glare. This is exactly  _ not  _ what she wanted right now. Kylo, who had been paying extra attention to the floor at that point, looked up confused. 

“What?”

“Will you  _ switch seats  _ with me? I want to sit next to my sister.”

Jaina Ren looks just as confused as the rest of the crew. Kylo, for his part, seems indifferent. 

“Switch with Maro, then.”

Jynna gives Kylo an exasperated look “I want to sit on her left. Come on, just switch with me.”

Reluctantly, Kylo agrees. Rey makes a mental note to haunt Jynna Ren for all of eternity after this little charade. 

Kylo gets up and slides into the seat next to Rey just as they are taking off. She can feel his leg pressed up against hers—the warmest thing in the cold, dark ship. Now if he could just stay silent, Rey could focus on the mission no problem. 

“Thank you for doing this,” Kylo says almost immediately. “For being the liaison, for getting us off on the right foot to do the right thing.”

Great. 

Rey shrugs, looking at her feet. “It’s not about me,” she says. “I can’t bring people together that don’t want it to happen. You have to give yourself credit, too. For breaking away from what you knew and making a different choice.”

“A different choice, right.”

“Do you think you’ll keep doing that?” Rey asks. “Making different choices, I mean?”

Kylo studies her face, and Rey does her best to conceal the perhaps immature desire rooted in her question. 

“I don’t know,” Kylo says. “I suppose it depends on what choices I have to make. And what person is asking me to make them.”

She turns away, facing the wall ahead again. 

“After this, I have to go back to the Resistance.”

Kylo doesn’t respond. 

“They’re my friends, and I love them. I can’t just walk away from them.”

“But you can walk away from me?”

Kylo’s eyes are full of something other than anger— _ hurt.  _

“I know you run back to them, Rey. You care about them so you return. But part of me wishes it wasn’t so easy for you to go back to them and leave me behind.”

“I’m not…” she takes a deep breath. “I’m not leaving you behind. Or at least I don’t want to.”

Kylo shakes his head. “I don’t—let’s not do this here. Come with me.”

He stands and starts for the back of the ship, towards the crew quarters. The other Knights of Ren pretend to mind their own business when Rey gets up to follow him. 

As soon as the door slides shut behind her, she turns to him.

“Do not turn this on me,” Rey insists. “I have no intention of abandoning you, Ben. You  _ know _ that. But I can’t stay here, not while you do what you do.”

“But what if it changed?” Kylo asks. “The Order. What if it pursued unification in ways like this. Then, would you join me?”

Rey shakes her head. “Stop saying it like that. Like  _ I  _ am joining  _ you _ when what you’re asking for is some sort of advisor. A political alliance is a different thing entirely. If that’s what you want, let me call your mother and we can—”

“I don’t mean a political alliance, Rey. I want you here because you’re  _ you _ , because every time you leave I spend my days wondering if and when you’ll come back.”

Their transport ship hums along, careening towards a destination that could very well change the course of everything. And Rey stands here, facing Kylo, unsure of how she entered this conversation and how to properly exit it. 

“We said we would leave the personal on Coruscant, at least for now. This mission, it’s too important for personal things.”

“Well I lied, then,” Kylo says. “ _ You  _ are personal to me, Rey. This.... all of this… it’s personal.”

“I know,” she admits. “ _ Kriff,  _ Ben. I know it's personal. But it can’t be. Because this war is bigger than ourselves and I cannot leave other people’s fates up to our emotions. Tell me honestly, what do you  _ think  _ is the right thing to do here? Going to  _ Absolution,  _ shutting off the failsafe and deplatforming Hux, do you see it as the right thing to do? Or are you going along with what I think is right because this is  _ personal. _ ”

She searches for clues in his face, but Ben Solo has grown expert at wearing a mask. 

“I don’t know, Rey. Can’t it be enough that I’m doing it? Why do you need to know why?”

Intentionality is everything. It is the blood of every decision she has ever made and will make. Rey chooses to do what is right, what is  _ just _ , and sometimes that goes against the grain of the people she loves. If Kylo intends to just use her logic to make choices because he  _ cares  _ about her, well, then he is not making any real choices at all. He’s just going through the motions of a plan she’s making.

Kylo steps forward, his hand reaching for her chin and oh he  _ knows  _ that sensation gets to her, the light and gentle touch a continuous prelude to what could be much, much more. 

_ Tell me what you’re thinking  _ he says in her head, and Rey becomes all too keenly aware of the fact that he could  _ know  _ what she’s thinking if he looked himself. That once, long ago, he had just  _ taken  _ that from her. But today he just looks at her with patience, with a desire for Rey to give those things willingly. 

“I’m thinking… that you want me to stay so desperately that you refuse to see my real reasons for leaving.”

“Your friends will forgive you if you build a better galaxy,” Kylo says. “I know you return to them thinking they’ll resent you if you don’t, but if you stay here and make  _ real change,  _ you can have everything you want.”

Rey shakes her head, feeling deflated. “No… that's not it at all.”

She takes a small step back and sits on one of the beds. Kylo follows to sit beside her. 

“When I dream about my future, I’m not sitting at a throne, I’m not running a government or in control of decisions for the entire galaxy. In my dreams, Ben—my  _ dreams,  _ the ones I think about right before I fall asleep—I get on a ship and I fly far, far away from all this. Somewhere that I’m not a legend but a  _ person _ . Somewhere where I can  _ breathe. _ So when you propose these things, I’m not saying no because it’s you, I’m saying no because that’s not what I want for my life. If I go back to the Resistance… this will end, someday. And I can go. I can hug my friends and then I can chase a life with no Jedi and no mantle to uphold.”

“You want to be alone,” Kylo says, assuming. But it isn’t what she means, not at all. 

“I never said I wanted that. I mean, I think I will be because everyone in my life is too involved in all of this to ever leave it behind. Finn would’ve, maybe, in the beginning. Before he was the Resistance hero and I was the Jedi. We were just two people who’d found each other, who’d cared, and thought we could stick by one another. But he’s… found something else in the Resistance, a calling more than just himself. And I’d be selfish to ask him to come with me. So there’s nobody, then, to go with me. I’d have to go alone if I wanted to start over.”

Kylo’s hand comes on top of her own as he leans towards her. 

“Rey, I—”

And it’s almost too much to bear, the soft tenderness in how he says her name. 

“Don’t.” She draws back. “Do not tell me, Ben, something you cannot uphold. Don’t make a promise you haven’t thought through, not fully.”

She’s not even sure  _ what  _ Kylo was about to tell her, but Rey knows that no matter what he was going to say, it would break her heart. And Rey thinks he’s going to persist and ask again, but instead he changes to ask her something softer. 

“Why do you want to go?” He asks quietly. “I know the Jedi stuff is complicated, but…”

She sighs.

“It’s… I feel this gaping hole in my chest all the time. And it’s like—like I can’t  _ breathe  _ or something, like my heart can’t beat and I’m just frozen and empty. I don’t know if it’s Jakku, or the pressure, but the emptiness has always been there. And for some time, I thought—well, I think I wanted to fill that hole with you, with the bond. On Naboo it was like… pieces falling into place, and there you always were, right beside me. I wanted a reason for my heart to still be beating other than the fact that it’s supposed to so I can solve all these problems. And I thought  _ you _ were why I was still here. I’d made it this far to discover this bond, to understand  _ us. _ ”

Kylo doesn’t say anything as Rey pauses to take a shaky breath. 

“But I can’t live for you, Ben. I can’t live for you and fight you and… want you at the same time. It’s just too much and I lose myself in the process. So, I think—I think I need to go, to be away from this place. I need to let that hole heal over with my own flesh, and then… well, I don’t know what comes next.”

Rey closes her eyes and there is this  _ release  _ inside here, this feeling like finally something that needed to be said is out there. 

Because underneath it all—underneath the pain and the conflict and this need to leave and heal, there is one truth she has just given him: in consequence with her affairs and afflictions, she cares for him. It is undeniable.

But Rey longs for more than to just care for him. Just as she has longed for the bond to mean more, she feels her feelings should be  _ significant.  _ But for that to happen, she would have to contend with the fact that her choice might not be the favorable choice by her peers, and reclaim that perception of  _ good  _ and  _ bad  _ for herself.

What holds her back, really, other than the way she is seen by other people? 

It dawns on Rey in this moment: since leaving Jakku, she has unabashedly relinquished her view of herself to everyone around her.

And in doing so she has shrunk this thing—her and Kylo—to staggeringly small capacity. In an effort to be what everyone else expects, she has minimized this instead of letting it grow, instead of  _ finding out  _ what it means and how she really feels. 

She just wants to let this grow to see  _ if _ she… well, if she truly loves him and it is her prerogative, her own desire and volition and satisfaction that aims for this attraction. Because if it is, well, there are other things to think about in leaving. Loving him for him, while she is still herself, that is something Rey has never done. 

And  _ love _ … that venomous word that changes everything, that makes turning away impossible. Rey has never been able to walk away from the friends that she loves, even if she desires to leave this all behind. And if she loves  _ Kylo _ … well it makes it ever more complicated. 

“You have that look on your face when you’ve realized something,” Kylo says. 

Rey snaps out of her own thoughts. “What?”

“You have that look… where you, you know…” He parts his lips and widens his eyes slightly in imitation. 

“I do  _ not  _ look like that.”

“Yes, you do,” he smiles a bit. “You’re always discovering things in your head, I’ve noticed. It’s like I can see the thoughts puzzling out on your face, but I don’t know what they are.”

She sighs. “It’s nothing. I just need to… make more decisions for myself, I guess. I’m always thinking about it but never doing it.”

“You are not alone in that sentiment,” Kylo replies.

Rey sighs. Kriff. Sometimes she wishes she  _ couldn’t _ slip into his mind. Because the power of the thing creates such a  _ temptation _ to know what he’s thinking all of the time. But of course she can’t just go riffling around in his head. She should  _ ask _ things. 

Instead, it is Kylo who speaks again. “I want to show you something,” he says. “Before we’re… departed. I just—I want you to know something.”

She nods. “Alright. What is it?”

Kylo takes her hands into his. And it’s been so long since they’ve done this, Rey almost forgot it was possible. But before she knows it, she’s thrust back into a memory. 

She sees herself from Kylo’s perspective, sitting in the low lit booth in that cantina on Centares. 

Rey in the memory begins to ramble on about food and portions, about how she feels like an outsider to the galaxy. And while watching herself she’s embarrassed at the babbling, Kylo in the memory is not the least bit dismayed. 

Rey can feel he is…  _ endeared.  _

Finally, the Rey in the memory concludes her speech “Sorry, that was ridiculous. Were you going to recommend something?”

And then her head dives into the menu. What she doesn’t see—what Rey knows now—is that Kylo can’t stop looking at her. He can’t stop  _ staring  _ at her, feeling like she’s the only thing in the room and he wishes the rest of the galaxy would just stop existing so he could hold onto this moment and live in it forever.

He feels pained. Because he knows that she can never know these feelings, and can never understand the scope of them. 

And then Rey is pulling herself out of his mind to stare at him in the present. 

“Why did you show me that?” she asks angrily. “Why would you show me that you—I  _ can’t  _ Ben. I can’t think about that now. Don’t you understand?”

She shakes her. He still can’t wrap his mind around keeping the personal out of the political. Although, Rey supposes it has  _ always  _ been personal, what with his mother being Leia Organa. Regardless, she can’t open this avenue of conversation. Not now. They have a job to do. 

But Kylo pushes more. “Why, Rey? Why can’t you know I care about you? What is the  _ problem  _ of approaching this fight knowing that detail.”

The logic is old and twisted and horrible. Rey knows this, and yet she cannot relinquish it. It is something she learned young on Jakku:  _ protect the self.  _ Wholly. Completely. 

And never,  _ ever  _ count on another person to do that protecting for you. 

“I can’t go in thinking… that you’ll have my back completely. I can’t leave myself exposed like that. Nobody ever looked out for me on Jakku, I learned to have eyes in the back of my head. But if I think that you and I are a  _ team _ … it will mess me up, Ben. I can’t think like that.”

The frustration on Kylo’s face drops immediately, replaced by a look of sadness. Rey is reminded that he, too, has known this isolation that she lives by. When they first met, he was a man completely alone—away from his family, contentious with his colleagues, and distant from his Knights. 

“When I promised I would never abandon you, I meant it,” Kylo says. “Across the galaxy, or in a fight. I’m there for you. I’m watching, okay?”

She wants to be in this with him. Truly. It’s just hard to let go of those projective measures that have been there for so long, to let down guards that have  _ worked.  _ But if she doesn’t, then she’s stuck. This infernal cycle of wanting and resisting continues on and on and on until she breaks it by walking away. Rey doesn’t  _ want  _ to walk away without him. Maybe… maybe she needs to try something new.

“Okay.”

Kylo’s eyes widen. “Okay? Like really, okay?”

She nods. “Yes, Ben. I want us to be there for each other. I need to care for myself, that’s how I am. But… I want to care for you, too. And maybe for you to care for me, if you want to.”

He smiles. “I want that, Rey. I want it more than anything else in this galaxy.”

And then he kisses her with a gentleness to match the sentiment. And although Rey perhaps feels something inside her wants  _ more  _ than that, she tampers this for the time being, still tethered to that belief that responsibility must overshadow passion for now. 

“I am yours, Kira,” he whispers, pulling away just barely. “Do not forget. Can you promise me you won’t forget?”

He looks into her eyes, and Rey can hardly believe that this is the same man from all those months ago on Starkiller base. Maybe people changing is a myth. Part of us might always be one thing, no matter what we do. But if that is true, that means that there is something in Ben Solo that has always been caring, regardless of the other part of him that is violent.   
“I promise,” Rey says. And she means it. “And I, Ben…” 

_ I am yours.  _


	49. Absolution

They land on  _ Absolution _ . And, as predicted, it causes a flurry of activity. Rey can imagine Kylo strutting off their transport to have blasters pointed at him at all angles, and then freezing them all in the air before blasting them into the ground. He’d then talk in that gravelly voice he has through the modulator in that deep and harsh voice. 

_ “Tell Hux I’ve come for my ship _ .”

And then commotion would ensue, questions around who to trust, what to trust, and if somebody should alert General Hux of the presence of Kylo Ren. 

But Rey doesn’t get to see any of this, as she is stowed away in a smuggling compartment below the ship for several minutes with Jaina and Annik. When Kylo had mentioned these compartments he’d custom fit to his ship in the planning phase, she’d had to resist the urge to smirk. 

_ Han had those on the Falcon _ , she’d said in his head. 

And Kylo had responded promptly with  _ I know  _ and said nothing else. 

So regardless of what Kylo thinks of his parents, Rey is glad that a little bit of them has bled into him. Because where would they hide, now, if Ben Solo had not learned at least a little bit from his father?

She hears the clanging of metal as Troopers stomp throughout the ship and search it for stowaways. But of course Rey, Jaina, and Annik aren’t found. After a few minutes, they are able to escape their hiding spot.

It’s weird getting used to the Knights in their masks again, and for Rey to wear a mask herself. Kylo never explained to her where he got this one from, and Rey didn’t ask. Perhaps Sola Ren left hers lying around which is a terrifying thought. Rey would rather not be caught stealing Sola’s valuables.Anyway, the main problem is she can’t  _ see  _ in this thing. Kriff, it’s annoying. 

Their ship is still being monitored when Rey, Annik, and Jaina slip out, but they immediately dart to the side of the Hangar and get away unnoticed.

“We’ve got to go up,” Annik says. “The system center won’t be on this floor.”

They tread carefully as Annik leads the way through  _ Absolution.  _ She was closest to the administrative pieces of the Order before, and is rather familiar with the inner workings of their ships, which is a good thing, seeing as last time Rey tried to sneak onto First Order property it had not exactly gone well for her. 

She knows that Annik and Jaina are using the Force to make them unrecognizable. It’s not so difficult when you’re walking down a hall full of strangers. The stunt probably would not hold if they ran into somebody like Hux. Of course they  _ shouldn’t _ , seeing as Kylo is supposedly keeping him very occupied on the bridge. Still, Rey can’t help but feel jumpy each time they round a corner and pass a group of Troopers or officers. 

“In here,” Annik says, stopping at what would be an unassuming door. 

“Are you sure?”

“It’s the heart of the ship. If he wanted controls installed without Kylo knowing, he’d have them here.”

It’s the best lead they have. Jaina does some incredible tampering to get the door open, and then the three spill into the room only to be met by two Troopers at the controls. 

The one on the left spins around. “You can’t be—”

Rey hits him over the head with the butt of her lightsaber. The Trooper crumples to the ground, unconscious. She steps to the other one, placing a hand on his helmet and he too. 

She turns back to the Knights.

“Where’s the switch?”

There is a moment of pause from Jaina and Annik. “That was… quick,” Annik says. 

Rey shrugs, and then pulls her helmet off. “I trained loads with Jynna and Talaa. And on my own, too.”

Annik and Jaina exchange a look. “Looks like it’s over here,” Annik points to the set of controls in the corner. 

Rey sits down in one of the chairs that the Troopers had been occupying. There is no telling when somebody could be coming. Perhaps they have already been spotted on cameras, although it seems like  _ this  _ is the room those cameras lead to. 

This is First Order tech. She  _ knows  _ this sort of tech. Nothing about this should be difficult. 

First, Rey has to lower the shields. That’s what will activate the failsafe. But the shield activator is on the other side of the room. 

“Jaina, go grab that switch.” Rey points to one on the far side of the room. “We have to lower these at the same time, understand?”

Jaina nods. Rey looks up at the cameras on the wall before them, searching for Kylo or the Knights. There is one screen in the far corner that is blank. 

“I think that’s them,” Annik says, following Rey’s line of sight. “Kylo must be blocking the signal somehow.”

Rey can’t think about what that might mean right now. Her first priority has to be getting this shield down. Rey presses the Comm attached to her wrist. It is linked directly to the head of the Resistance pilots. 

“Hey, Poe. That shields about to come down and I don’t know how long it will take for Hux to notice. You ready?”

“Ready as ever, Miss Jedi.”

“Good. Standby.”

She shuts the Comm off and turns to Jaina. “At the same time, alright?”

“On your go,” Jaina says. 

It is very, very possible that doing this will set off some sort of alarm within  _ Absolution _ . Rey has considered this, of course. And in this tiny room they would be cornered. 

But she knows in this moment that she is not doing this for herself. It is for everyone else—those people who, like her former position, are not afforded the ability to fight for a fairer, more free galaxy. She fights for those who cannot fight for themselves because she  _ was  _ that person until chance or fate or whatever it was came her way.

“Go.”

Jaina and Rey flip the switches. And, as suspected, alarm bells start to blare. Rey quickly grabs her Comm. 

“Poe—we did it. You have the go-ahead to move but it won’t be long before the shield goes back up.”

She reaches out for Kylo over the bond. The video screen of the bridge is still blank, and the nervous feeling is already sinking deeper in her gut.  _ It’s done. I’m coming to help you.  _

“Rey, you’re amazing,” Poe’s voice crackles through. She can hear the beginnings of Poe’s magnanimous speech to the other pilots over the Comm. 

“ _ Alright everybody, the odds are tough, but they’re always tough. And I believe…”  _

Rey switches the Comm off just as Kylo’s voice fills her head. 

_ Don’t come Rey. Get back to the ship.  _

She stills in her place. 

_ What? No, I’m coming to help you _ —

_ You can’t. Please, Rey. Please just get to safety. Bring Jaina and Annik. _

Rey’s heartbeat begins to pound in her ears. Something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong. If Hux has overpowered Kylo’s efforts, well, Rey isn’t just going to  _ leave  _ him and the Knights behind. 

She’s done her part in this war by shutting off the failsafe. Everything she’s been doing has been to  _ play her part.  _ But this… this is what she  _ wants _ . These people, helping them is her own volition. 

Rey spins back to Jaina and Annik. “They’re in trouble up there,” she says. “And Kylo wants us to evacuate. But I think we should help them.”

Neither of the Knights say anything so Rey continues. “I  _ know  _ you follow him, that he’s your leader and going against his orders is wrong to you. But if you care about him—about  _ any  _ of them—help me. Please.”

Several seconds pass. Rey becomes worried that the two Knights will try to drag her back to the ship because Kylo said so. But Annik steps forward with a small nod, and something deep inside Rey relaxes. 

“You two go,” Jaina says. “Someone needs to hold off the Troopers from switching the controls. I can handle that.”

Rey grimaces. Leaving somebody behind never feels like the right option. Even  _ if  _ Jaina is dangerous, it feels wrong. 

“Go,” Jaina says again. “I can handle a little fight by myself. I can only imagine things are worse up there.”

Inside Rey’s mind a small glimmer emerges. She switches on her Comm again, this time going for a different channel.  _ Please answer,  _ she thinks.  _ Please, I need you.  _

“Rey?”

She exhales at the sound of her best friend’s voice. 

“Finn! Thank Force. Remember that…  _ thing _ we talked about? I need you to do it. Now.”

“Thing? I don’t— _oh_ , Rey, I thought that was a backup plan?”  
“I’m taking precautions,” Rey replies. “Can you do it?”

“Yeah. Rose is with the pilots, so it’ll be tricky for—you know what? Nevermind. Of course I can do it.”

“Good,” she says, nodding. “Thank you, Finn.”

“Rey?”

“Yeah?”

“Good luck. Don’t die.”

Her heart is in her throat. “You too,” she says. 

Rey switches off the Comm. She’s either just saved them or complicated things terribly. Either way, the next few minutes are bound to be dangerous. She puts her helmet back on and turns to Annik. 

“Well, what’s the quickest way to the bridge?” 

\---

Annik is a good guide, and they make it as close as they can to the bridge without entering before they’re spotted by a group of guards in front of the elevator that takes them to the bridge. 

“No one’s authorized on this elevator right now,” the Trooper says. The one beside him assesses Rey and Annik. 

“They’re Knights of Ren,” the other Trooper says. “ _ Woah _ . I mean, someethings going down up there with Ren. I’d get out while you can.”

The other guard elbows him. “We can’t let them  _ escape _ ,” he says, and then hits a button on his Comm. 

“Now wait a minute—”

The two troopers pull their blasters, and immediately fire before Rey can even blink. But the blast never hits her. It freezes in midair. She looks over at Annik, who is clearly in deep concentration. 

“Duck,” she says. 

“What?”

“I said  _ duck _ . So you don't get hit when I let these things go.”

“Just turn it back on them!”

The two Troopers are equally fascinated and panicked by this new development. 

“I am not Kylo. I don’t have that skill. So  _ duck _ .”

Rey ducks. Annik releases the blaster shots and darts out of the way so they hit the wall behind her head.

She then turns back to the Troopers and begins to fight. Rey grabs her lightsaber from the holster on her waist when the elevator opens and with six more Troopers in it. 

They could probably turn back; grab Jaina, run for the ship, and leave the rest behind. But Rey can sense something is  _ wrong  _ in the bond, and she won’t ignore it. 

Annik raises her scythe looking weapon and steps close to Rey.

“The only way up is in” she mutters. “Let's go.”

The two women charge at the eight guards and begin to deflect blasters and get in hits of their own. Annik cuts through each of them fluidly, and Darkness pours out of her in droves. Rey allows herself to be open to being an instrument of the Force—just as she did when she and Kylo killed Snoke’s guards. And it isn’t just the light, either. It’s the Dark, too, that overtakes her and gives her those instincts that keep them alive in such an enclosed space. 

She smacks one Trooper against the side of the elevator and they crumple to the ground. She isn’t killing them, rather just incapacitating. And the Force helps her in this quest. 

Annik lets out a snarl, and Rey turns to see that she’s been grazed in the arm with a blaster. The offending Trooper isn’t conscious for much longer after that. One by one they fall, until Rey and Annik stand in the center of the elevator together as the only two left. 

“Jynna was right about you,” Annik says. “You  _ can  _ fight.”

Rey is a little disgruntled that she didn’t take her word for it initially, but she still accepts the compliment. Annik presses a button on the elevator and they begin to rise through the ship. 

Rey’s mind inevitably wanders back to  _ Supremacy _ , when she and Kylo spoke on the elevator before having an audience with Snoke. 

Everything was shifting then—ideas, feelings, allegiances. She had been so certain Kylo Ren would turn in that elevator, but what Rey back then did not understand is that things take time. The Kylo from back then and the one here now are the same person, but there has been a slow, methodical shift in him. There’s been a change in her, too, though it’s quite hard to describe a change when you're the person that’s living it. 

He’d looked at her in that elevator with such intensity that she thought—fleetingly—that he might kiss her. But the thought was eviscerated immediately when she remembered who each of them were. Now, kissing in an elevator seems, well, not an  _ outrageous  _ scenario. That is if they make it out of this alive. 

“We’ll be visible as soon as the door opens,” Annik says. “And we’ve no idea what we're walking into. So just be ready. Have your weapon raised.”

Rey ignites her lightsaber again. 

“Do you feel it?” She asks. “Something’s wrong. I don’t know what, but the energy is not right.”

Annik is silent for a moment. 

“I do,” she says quietly. “I do feel it.”

The door opens and at first everything is very still. Nobody was expecting this elevator could be used when it was guarded on every level and everyone was instructed to avoid the bridge. Annik blasts the two guards beside the elevator into the walls and they step in the room. 

An icy chill slithers down Rey’s spine as her eyes drink in the scene. There are bodies on the floor—First Order officers and Troopers and one figure in black and a dark helmet. Rey’s heart catches in her throat at the fallen Knight. 

_ Talaa.  _

She isn’t dead. Rey can feel that in the Force. Everyone in this  _ room  _ would be dead if Talaa Ren ceased breathing. That energy radiates off of every single Knight. Beside Rey, Annik tenses at the sight of Talaa on the ground. There’s no telling what happened. 

The Dark wafts out of Rey in reams as she fully steps into the bridge.

“Thought you’d bring backup, Ren?”Hux asks beratingly. Rey looks directly ahead to see an unmasked Kylo on the far side of the room with his arms restrained behind his back. It’s  _ odd _ . He could clearly blast those officers out of the way. There’s something she doesn’t understand yet.

Even through their masks, Rey can tell Kylo is staring at her. Hux notices this, too, and takes a menacing step towards her. 

_ You shouldn’t have come, Rey. _

_ I wasn’t going to leave you.  _

Something twitches in the expression on his face. It’s so small you’d have to be watching him to notice it. 

_ What’s going on, Ben? _

__ He flashes her bits and pieces of memory. Kylo and the Knights stormed the bridge, distracting Hux. But then fighting broke out, and Hux tried to shoot Jynna while her back was turned Talaa had blocked the shot—with her body. 

“So many years in the Order,” Hux in the present muses. “So much time learning your tricks, assessing these  _ brutes  _ you brought with you.”

He nears closer.  _ Shit,  _ Rey thinks to herself.  _ He needs to stay back.  _ But Hux keeps his slow slithering advance. 

“You would think by now—after all this time—that I would know the build of these Knights well enough to recognize an impostor.”

Rey is caught by surprise when the elevator behind her opens and two Troopers jump to restrain her. She twists, trying to break free or reach for the Force, but there is no hope. Annik is restrained, too. 

Hux pulls her helmet right off, and Rey can his face first contort with triumph, then confusion, and finally rage. The hollow under his eye twitches at the sight of her standing before him. 

“ _ Jedi _ ,” he spits. “How—how  _ dare  _ you—”

“Actually,” Rey says, “Not a Jedi, thank you.”

She lurches forward, trying to break free, but the Troopers attach cuffs onto her wrists that vastly limit her motion and somehow seem to dampen her access to the Force. Rey panics and her eyes dart to Kylo. 

_ Are these _ —

_ I don’t know. I can feel you, but I can’t do much else.  _

Hux spins back to Kylo. “You mean to overthrow me with this girl? The one who tried to kill you? You’re madder than I thought, Ren.”

“Let her go,” Kylo replies icily. How is Kylo not  _ panicking _ ? This is, like, the absolute worst case scenario. They’re all virtually cut off from the Force and Talaa Ren is  _ dying _ . 

“I don’t think I will, actually.” Hux crosses back to the center of the room. 

Kylo shrugs. “Your loss, then.”

The tense energy in the room shifts to confusion. The guards who cuffed the other Knights of Ren look between each other and at Rey, trying to find out if there is some secret he’s playing at.

“What do you mean,  _ my loss _ ?”

“Just that I might’ve shown you mercy. A quick death. But  _ Rey _ , well, if she sticks around and Talaa Ren dies, well, you’re going to be in for a lot worse.”

Hux begins to size Rey up, and she attempts to put on as menacing of a front as she can. 

“She’s just a girl,” Hux decides. “And  _ you _ , Ren, are even more of a traitor than I once thought. I knew Snoke for a long time, and he told me things about you, Ren. Like the fact that you are completely incapable of training an apprentice. You think you can make this girl worth anything when you’re worth nothing yourself?”

Outside the doors to command, a faint rumble can be heard. A few heads turn, but Rey does not bother to glance back at the door behind him. 

She is not—and never will be—Kylo’s  _ apprentice.  _ The thought of it makes her squirm.

“Do you have nothing to say for yourself, traitor?” Hux asks. 

_ He really wants some grand confession,  _ Rey thinks. Kylo Ren declaring he took a Jedi apprentice in secret on the bridge of  _ Absolution  _ would be just the sort of pomp and circumstance Armitage Hux desires. 

Kylo still holds Hux’s full attention.

“You have misconstrued the evidence, Armitage,” Kylo replies smoothly. “I am loyal to the cause. I wish you could stay the same. As for Rey, I suggest you leave her out of this?”

Hux  _ fumes.  _ “Leave her  _ out _ ? What  _ possibly  _ could have driven you to betray the Order for the likes of  _ her _ ?”

“She’s quite pretty,” Kylo says as if it’s the simplest answer in the world. And if Rey were closer she’d  _ smack  _ him for that. 

Hux does not find this amusing. “I thought things like that were against your kind.”

At this, Kylo darkens. “I am no Jedi,” he says in a cool, deep tone. “And neither is Rey. Which you would know, if you bothered to  _ listen _ .”

Another crash can be heard outside, this time drawing a bit closer. 

Rey cannot bring herself to look Kylo in the eye, although she is quite sure he continues to stare at her. 

“Forget this madness! Now I have evidence more than ever that Kylo Ren has committed treason against the First Order. He will be executed, along with the girl and the Knights, and I will assume the mantle of Supreme Leader to bring true order to this galaxy.”

Now, Rey thinks, would be a great time for Finn’s plan to actually  _ work _ . 

“And I believe the sooner the better, for the execution.” Hux begins to pull his blaster from his belt. 

Rey looks helplessly over at Kylo. This is  _ not  _ how things were supposed to go. He was supposed to take over the bridge! Or at least  _ distract them.  _ But of course part of the plan was for him to  _ escape  _ after. If only they could shake these cuffs. Rey could get Talaa Ren back to the ship and then—

The guards restraining Kylo pull back tighter, although it does not matter. He does not resist. Instead, he turns his head to her rather serenely, a genuine look of…  _ light  _ in his eyes. 

“Rey,” he says. “May the Force be with you.”

And that’s when a legion of Troopers flood the bridge, their blasters pointed in every direction.


	50. Absolution pt. II

Kylo, luckily, seems to have stayed his execution by a few moments on the grounds that Armitage Hux now has his own Troopers threatening him. 

_ Nice job,  _ Kylo says in her head. 

She frowns.  _ I never said this was my doing _ . 

_ Who else would it be, Rey? _

“What is the meaning of this?” Hux shouts. “Return to your stations immediately!”

The air is deadly still. 

“I’m afraid we can’t do that, sir,” a voice says to her left. Rey turns to see the Trooper who has spoken. “We won’t stand by, not anymore.”

Hux’s face contorts into a look of rage. “Stand by—what are you talking about?”

The Trooper seems to straighten her shoulders a little bit. “Your days of using us as instruments of your destruction are over. We won’t die for you anymore.”

Hux snorts. It is the wrong move. 

“So you’ve come here to what, exactly? Kill me and save Kylo Ren?  _ You are soldiers.  _ Ren sees you as such. Nothing will change.”

The Trooper who speaks steps closer to the center of the room, her gun trained on Hux. 

“Finn says we’re more,” she says. “Finn says we’re…  _ individuals _ , that you want us to believe this is all we are, but it isn’t true.”

_ Still trying to make me believe this wasn’t you _ ? Kylo says. 

This time, Rey can’t deny it. Finn and Rose have been working into the First Order propaganda systems for some time, trying to infiltrate the Holonet. The bug to track First Order communications that Rey placed has given them new opportunities to reach Troopers more covertly. Perhaps Finn has been… working with the Troopers, showing those who have not defected what life they could have. And perhaps Rey has been…  _ supportive  _ of this, albeit rather covertly. Not that she felt the need to hide it from Kylo, moreso that the mission was something that belonged to her and Finn. 

Finn had wanted to make a big push to cause Troopers to rebel. When Rey sensed the disturbance on the bridge, she knew they’d need all the help they could get. 

A few of the Troopers around the main girl. Others, Rey noticed, had their blasters trained on their “defective” colleagues. There was really no way to tell who was on what side other than the direction of their pointed guns. Some officers seem to have joined in, too. Rey wasn't sure if Finn’s messages reached uniformed officers, but it appears they have earned a few allies in this siege of the bridge. 

“This…  _ Finn  _ has lied,” Hux says. “He was a fluke. An aberration in a near-flawless system. You were born and raised to be just this—not  _ Resistance heroes  _ or people with desires and dreams. If you cannot handle what you are, you will die. You are nothing else, and you will never  _ be  _ anything else.”

Rey holds her breath. Even the soldiers defending Hux seem off put by his sentiment. All eyes turn to the person in the room with the most power—the Trooper with a blaster pointed right at Hux. 

The girl fires, and Armitage Hux falls. 

Chaos ensues.

Well, Rey supposes chaos had  _ already  _ ensued. Everything up to this point has pretty much been chaotic. But this, well  _ this  _ is different. She’s been in a few situations on Jakku before where everyone has a blaster pointed in a different direction—but this is  _ madness _ . 

A few officers rush for Hux, but they are quickly surrounded by those that seem to want Hux to die. 

The Trooper who shot Hux goes under heavy fire herself, but the rest is blocked from Rey’s view as she is approached by a gaunt faced officer who attempts to cut her chains off. 

She can’t see any of the Knights other than Annik by her side who is currently kicking the shiti out of her two captors even with her hands cuffed. 

There’s one person that Rey selfishly wants to know is okay.

_ Ben?  _

Somebody is able to cut Rey’s chains in half, but the binders still stay around her wrists and limit her use of the Force. 

“Ben!” she shouts. There is no answer in her head or in the air. Rey spins around and elbows the guard behind her in the nose and steals her lightsaber from his belt. Suddenly Annik is at her side, taking on Rey’s guards herself. 

“Find the others,” she says. And Rey needs no more advice before pushing right into the fray. 

She ducks and swings and shoots and Troopers and officers fall in her path. Anyone appearing mildly threatening becomes a target. 

The First Knight Rey finds is Jynna Ren. She stands guard over a pale-faced Talaa who still lies on the floor. 

“You need to get out of here!” Rey shouts. Jynna shakes her head. “I can’t—Kylo’s not safe!”

_ Always bound to the master,  _ Rey thinks. And she perhaps wonders if  _ this  _ is why Kylo refuses to call the Knights his friends. To have this sway over a person you care about… it isn’t normal. Talaa Ren is dying on the floor, but Jynna is bound to Kylo. 

“Jynna,  _ Talaa needs you _ . I will find Kylo, okay? Get her out of here. Get back to the ship.”

“Rey—”

“ _ I’m not suggesting it _ !” Rey spins around and knocks another officer out cold. “Jynna, she will die here, and I am not letting her die.  _ Kylo  _ would not want her to die for him like this.”

Rey helps Jynna pick up Talaa by the back and below the knees. She forges a path for them back to the lift, and then grabs Maro Ren who is now fighting by the lift where Annik and Rey had been. He appears to have killed a quarter of the room by now. 

“You need to get them to the ship,” Rey says. “Now.”

The man takes one look at Talaa and agrees. Rey covers their entrance to the elevator and then heads for the last spot she saw Kylo. 

The crowd is thinning. Most of the rebelling Troopers have either died or fleed by now. Rey cannot catch sight of the Trooper who fired the first shot anymore. 

She cuts down a few remaining officers in her way, and then Rey is standing where Kylo was, but he is no longer there. Just ahead of her is Hux, a dark stain of blood blooming on the front of his shirt. He looks up at her from his spot lying on the floor, and  _ laughs  _ before going very still. 

Rey quickly turns away, heart racing, and bumps right into Kylo. 

“You’re—”

“I thought—”

He hugs her. There’s still a few enemies charging for them, and he  _ hugs  _ her. 

_ I thought I’d lost you.  _

“We need to get out of here,” he whispers into her ear. Not her.  _ We _ . Rey nods. 

“The Resistance is in—we’ve done our jobs.”

At the same moment they turn and knock out two final Troopers approaching them. Rey looks back to Kylo. “Jynna and Maro are gone. Jainia should meet us at the ship if she’s still alive.”

Kylo scans the room. “Annik is guarding the elevator. Come on, we can’t do any more good without the Force—”

Kylo freezes beside her, and when Rey turns around, she understands why. 

One more person stands—a young First Order officer—and she has her blaster pointed directly at Rey’s heart. She’s young for an officer—perhaps the same age as Rey, with her dark hair tied back into a severe knot.

“Drop your weapon,” the girl says. Rey instantly obliges, extinguishing her lightsaber and slowly placing it on the floor.

“Is he alive?” she asks, tilting her head towards Hux. 

Rey takes one, two slow steps towards General Hux. She leans down, checks for a pulse, and stands.

“Barely.”

“Good,” the girl says, though her voice sounds shallow. “ _ Good _ . And once you're dead, he’ll know it was me. I’ll have killed the Jedi.” 

“You don’t have to do this,” Rey says to her. “I don’t want to kill you. My friend, Finn—maybe you know him? He was like you, too. But he made a different choice, and now he is free to be whatever he wants. He chooses to be Resistance, but you could be anything. Just please don’t do this.”

Kylo tries to take a step closer to Rey but the girl shouts. 

“Stay back!”

He freezes. On the far side of the room, Annik is taking down a final few officers. She cannot help them. 

“I wasn’t meant to be this,” the girl says, tears running down her face. “I just—you know?  _ I wasn’t meant to be this _ .”

“I know,” Rey says, hands raised in front of her. She’s surprised by the steadiness of her own voice. “Believe me, I know. And you deserve a better life—you deserve a better  _ past _ , though it’s impossible to give you that.”

She can see the girl’s finger shaking on the blaster trigger.  _ Please,  _ Rey thinks.  _ Please, no. _

“I don’t have a past,” the girl says. “All I have is this ship, this job. The First Order is all I am.”

“The Resistance is all I am, or it was. Before that, Jakku was all I was. But you can find more of yourself. You will.”

The girl shakes her head. 

_ Rey _ , Kylo says in her head,  _ We need to take her out. I think I have enough of the Force back to do it. But I’m not sure…  _

_ No. _

She blocks Kylo’s voice from her mind. This girl, she isn’t the enemy. Not at all. 

“I—I’m scared.”

“So am I,” Rey admits. “ _ Kriff _ , I’m scared. To be here, to fight, to be a Jedi or to  _ not  _ be a Jedi—that part I’m not even sure about. I’m so scared that it scares me, which doesn’t even make any sense. I can’t even tell the most important person in my life that I love them because I’m so scared. But I’m  _ trying _ . We’ve got to try.”

She can’t bear to look at Kylo now—to see the dawning realization of a truth that has been living inside Rey for a while. She loves him. She  _ does _ . It’s a love not built in the grand—battles against Praetorian guards and massive asks of  _ join me _ —but rather in small, personal moments. It’s a love built from the conversation around a glowing fire, the hum of the ship as he helps her get to Lothal, the sensation of his fingers brushing against her back, the laughter as she pulls him into the lake, and the feeling of waking up with his arm draped around her waist. It’s a love that’s so small that it’s enormous. So tiny and personal and  _ theirs  _ that she could fold it up and keep it in her pocket and carry it anywhere, only to release it and have it burn the brightest star in the entire galaxy.

“It’s not fair,” the girl says. “Hux—he  _ chose  _ this. What did I get to choose? Why do I have to be the one to resist? I wish—I wish I didn’t know I was missing out on choosing.”

Rey can hear the pain in the girl’s words—the  _ panic _ . It’s a feeling she knows all too well. 

“You didn’t get to choose. You should’ve, but you didn’t. My life has been like that too. Everyone else deciding what you are, what you’re capable of. You’ve been living by their rules, right?”

The girl nods.

“Don’t play their game anymore,” Rey says, taking a step towards her. “Hux, Snoke, Ren… stop playing by their rules. I’m tired of it, too. Let's stop playing their game, okay? Me and you. Let’s just stop.”

The girl begins to lower her blaster. Rey holds her breath with every second.

Then, the elevator doors open, and Jynna Ren steps back into the bridge. The girl quickly raises her blaster again and fires right at Rey. 

There isn’t time for shock. There isn’t time for anything, really, except for a mild understanding that from this vantage and angle Rey is about to die. 

But the blaster shot never hits her, because Kylo pushes forward and blocks the blaster shot with his body. 

Jynna and Annik rush over and faintly Rey can hear shouting. Someone is shouting—Jynna, maybe, though Rey never pinned her as a person that would shout. 

Annik makes her way to Kylo, but Jynna Ren lunges for the girl. Rey finds enough sense in her voice to shout.

“Don’t hurt her!”  
Jynna spins around, looking at Rey like she has six heads. It is madness, she knows. This girl might have just killed Kylo. 

Rey can’t bring herself to look at Kylo on the floor. All she can do is stare at this girl who grew up on this ship without a choice and was made to be a weapon of destruction for people who did not even care enough to give her a name. Armitage Hux is likely dead now, but even if he lived, he would not defend this girl who defended him. Hell, he would even encourage Jynna Ren to shoot her. 

Rey will not be like Hux. 

“Don’t touch her, Jynna. For—for me. Don’t touch her.”

The girl is sobbing now. She drops her blaster to the floor and backs away. Rey looks at her, then at Kylo, who Annik declares still has a pulse, at the body of Hux, and then she catches sight of herself in the reflection of the dark floor.

“Rey, I can’t just let her go—”

Rey lunges forward—right overtop of the fallen Kylo Ren—towards Jynna. The words spit ouf of her mouth in a ferocious roar. 

“ _ Do not touch her _ !”

The cuffs on her wrists snap and the Force returns in full vigor. Rey feels it all—Dark and Light and everything in between running through her, pulling her not side to side byt straight forward. She does not teeter in conviction. There is no longer a fear of leaning in the wrong direction. She just  _ is.  _ And the Force is with her. 

Rey plants herself firmly between Jynna and the girl and Jynna is knocked back onto the floor. Rey takes a long look at Jynna Ren, and then at the girl. 

They have been instruments—all of them. But Rey will play this game no more. 

_ Everyone falls,  _ Jynna Ren once said to Rey.  _ To the dark, to obsession, to fear—always something.  _

She never wanted to fall. Rey’s always chased the rising, always held onto what has kept her standing and never let it go. But perhaps holding on isn’t the way to keep oneself from falling. 

Perhaps one needs to let go. 

Rey sees Jynna and Annik staring at her wide eyed. She takes one more long look at her reflection in the floor, and then the world goes dark. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha heyyy this chapter was basically broken up into two parts for flow so here's the second (shorter) half early just for funziez. I'm estimating this this thing will have five more chapters but maybe more! I want everything to wrap up nicely w a good ending and there are lots of things to resolve. as always, thank you for reading!


	51. Waking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posting this a day early because it's done (I'm trying to upload around mondays) to the end. hope everyone has a good week! thank you for reading and commenting :)

Rey wakes with a start.

She’s not on the floor of _Absolution_ , like she expected, but actually laying underneath a sea of blanket’s in Kylo’s bed back on the _Finalizer._

“So she lives.”

Rey turns her head to see Jynna Ren sitting in the corner of the room, reading a book. She closes it and surveys Rey. Even though Rey can’t see herself, she’s sure she looks like hell. She’s still wearing the black garb she put on for her trip to _Absolution_ , although the outer layers of armor have been stripped off. And she’s got a headache. _Kriff,_ what a headache. She’s going to have to ask Kalonia if this is another concussion. 

“My first time in battle with you, I passed out and you put me to bed.” Rey huffs. “Some stand-in Knight of Ren I was.”

Jynna offers a small smile.”And you attacked me. That’s breaking, like, the first rule.”

Rey grimaces. She’d forgotten the end of the battle. The girl, the blaster… 

“She didn’t deserve to die,” Rey says with conviction. “That girl was given an impossible choice. Any of us easily could’ve been her.” She looks over to Jynna warily. “Did she die?”

Jynna shrugs. “Not by my hand, nor any of the other Knights.”

Rey nods. “Good. Although I _am_ sorry, Jynna. There was this feeling inside me, this reattuning to the Force. It heightened everything and made me lunge at you.”

Jynna Ren, for her part, does not seem too put off by the whole thing. “I think that’s the most powerful you’ve ever been,” she says. It’s not a condemnation of Rey’s actions, but not affirmation, either. Rey supposes the Knight may not be too pleased with an unleash of power to save some random First Order officer, but she’s _interested_ by it all the same. 

“I don’t think the physical confines of my body liked all that power very much,” Rey admits. “It felt like the Force and I, like we were _closer_ in consciousness. Not that I think the Force has a conscience. It’s—well, I suppose I don't quite know _what_ happened. Maybe I can consult the Jedi texts, or Kylo…”

Rey blanches. _Kylo._ Kriff. She nearly forgot that he was shot… 

“He’s alright,” Jynna says, sensing Rey’s unease. “Well, he _will_ be alright. When he wakes up in the medical wing. Talaa, too.”

Rey breathes a sigh of relief. “What about the Resistance?”

“They blew that weapon out of the sky if that’s what you’re asking. But if you’re inquiring about the wellbeing of your friends, you’ll have to ask Sola.”

At this, Rey perks up. “Sola returned?” This must mean her friends are well. 

“Yes, she did. Rather disgruntled, too, from a week of Resistance _perkiness_ . Speaking of, I suspect your side will be wanting you back now that you’ve opened your eyes. We informed them of your condition, that it would be best for you to recover here before returning, seeing as we have more _advanced_ medical facilities, but there was still quite a fuss from your rather pesky medical woman.”

She’s irked at the slight diss of Kalonia, but still Rey is confused.  
“If all I needed was bedrest, the Resistance could’ve managed that.”

“Yeah, they could’ve,” Jynna says. And then her cheeks color, and Rey thinks she’s never seen Jynna looking _sheepish._ “I just thought you might want to… you know… _see him_ before you go, seeing as there might be things you two haven’t had the opportunity to… discuss.”

And now Rey feels embarrassed too, as the memory that she did in fact profess that she was in love with Kylo in front of the other Knights returns to her.

“Jynna, about that—what I said on _Absolution_ —I have no intention of getting in the way of the Knights—”

“ _Rey_ ,” Jynna comes over to sit on the edge of the bed. “What I want for you—and Kylo—most in life is to be fulfilled. _That_ is love—is loving. Do not think I would ever want to stand in the way of your path in life. And I wouldn’t let the other Knights do so, either.”

Rey feels as if she could cry right now. 

“Besides,” Jynna says, “I had a bet with Talaa that _you_ would say it first. So you’ve actually won me free drinks for a month, thank you very much.”

This time, Rey does laugh. “You were _betting_ on it? How did you even know I loved him?”

Jynna shrugs. “When you’ve seen enough love in your life, you know exactly what it looks like.”

With that in mind, Rey rises to her feet. Jynna catches her arm for balance, but she finds that she really is feeling quite alright. Talaa and Kylo were harmed because of her plan and her actions. Rey can only sit by their bedside and thank them profusely when they wake. 

“I need to see them, Jynna, even if they’re still asleep. I need to know they’re okay.”

Her friend nods, then gives her directions to the medical wing. Rey eagerly makes her way to the door, finding a sheer relief running through her that two of the people most important to her have survived. 

She pauses by the door. “Jynna, your sister… did she…”

“She’s here,” Jynna says. “And fine.” A little smile curls on the Knight’s lips. “ Jaina Ren does not know how to lose a fight.”

\---

He is asleep when she arrives. Rey can only bring herself to sit beside Kylo in the medical wing for a few moments before she has to get up and do _something_. She’d like to search for Sola Ren, but perhaps Rey should just go directly to the source if she’s concerned about the wellbeing of her friends. 

And so she grabs her Comm, heads out into the hall, and calls Finn. 

He’s enthusiastic to hear that she’s awake and well, and tells her all about the Resistance part of the mission. 

“We lost a few of our people, but Poe’s alright. And Lena and Kaydel. Rose, too. She was _brilliant_ , I have to say. But that is’t surprising. I mean, she’s _Rose_.”

“I’d expect nothing less,” Rey says genuinely. 

“And what about you?” Finn asks. “I couldn’t squeeze much information out of that Knight I talked to about what happened on _Absolution_ —other than you were hurt.”

Rey’s head spins. Of course, she wants to tell Finn the whole truth, but to lay it all on him without the context would be illogical. She’ll have to come clean to hmi soon, probably, but for now she only reveals what he needs to know. 

“I dropped the shields while Kylo and a few Knights stormed the bridge. One of the Knights was hurt and they needed our help. That’s when I called you. And whatever you did, it worked. Thank you, by the way. Some of these Troopers turned on Hux. He—he’s dead. And Kylo, well, he’ll wake up.”

“He’ll _wake up_? Kriff, I never thought anything could take that guy out. What happened to him?”

Rey swallows. “He—uhm—jumped in front of a blaster shot.”

 _“What?_ For who?”

“For me, actually.”

Finn doesn’t respond. He’s clearly astonished and trying to process the turn of events. 

“Ren saved _you_ ,” he mutters to himself. “The most selfish man in the galaxy almost died to save our Jedi. What is _happening_?”

“Maybe he’s not so selfish,” Rey offers. “I mean, he helped us save Coruscant.”

“There was something in it for him.” When Rey doesn’t respond, Finn continues.”But how did you get hurt? If Ren saved you?”

“Oh! I sort of passed out and hit my head—a long story. But I’m fine now. Or I will be.”

“Good. That means we can come get you back—”

“You can’t,” she says quickly. 

“What?”

“You can’t come get me, Finn, not yet. I—I need to be here when Kylo wakes up.”

Finn huffs. “Why would you stay another minute? You’ve sacrificed enough by being there a week, Rey. You don’t need to linger to thank Ren for finally doing a good deed.”

“He’s really hurt, Finn,” Rey says quietly. “They're saying he’ll live, but he took that shot for _me._ I have to thank him for that. Once he wakes up, then I can come back to you. It’s principle.”

Although Finn thinks Rey doesn’t owe Kylo for saving her life—and he’s probably right about that in a few capacities—he respects her wishes and agrees to pass the message on to Command that she will not be returning for at least another day. 

“But,” Finn says, “If you’re not back by the end of the week, Rose and I will come get you ourselves. We want our friend back.”

Rey smiles weakly to herself. How incredibly lucky she is to have friends like Finn and Rose. 

“It’s a deal.” 

Rey ends the call and sneaks back in to watch Kylo sleepe for a little bit longer. Eventually, though, she leaves him be. There’s other unfinished business to attend to before he wakes. 

\---

Talaa Ren looks peaceful.

Rey supposes this must be some sort of mystical trick. The woman is _never_ peaceful. She likely doesn’t have a peaceful bone in her ebody. And yet with her eyes closed and her chest rising and falling in a slow rhythm, Rey could be convinced Talaa was a languid, dainty soul. 

Rey takes post dutifully beside her friend in the medbay. The medical droid taking care of Talaa informed Rey that she’d be waking up within the hour. And seeing as the other Knights of Ren were running this ship or in a coma themselves, Rey felt it was only right to sit beside her friend until she awoke.

It gives her time to think, too, about recent events. The moment the handcuffs came off her on _Absolution_ felt like a reckoning. Rey had spent so much time holding back, but that was such a _release_. She’d like to talk about it with Talaa, to tell someone who might understand the sensation and not fret or worry. 

She almost misses it when her friend’s eyes begin to flutter open.

“Rey?”

Talaa blinks, staring at her friend. Rey leans forward and takes Talaa’s hand into her own. 

“How are you feeling?”

The Knight grimaces. “Like I got shot before the fun even began. Kriff, where are we?”

Rey explains their situation, and Talaa Ren relaxes a bit. 

“Hux always was a slimy piece of shit,” she says. “And no fun, either. Like Kylo without the melodrama—or the sliver of morality.”

Rey snots. “I don’t think Kylo would appreciate that assessment much.”

“What? That he has morality? The man’s a walking box of feelings. It was bound to happen.”

At this moment, Rey is so immensely grateful that Talaa Ren is alive and in her life. 

“I mean the comparison to Hux, but I’ll keep that morality stuff in mind.”

“Right, because it would be the most tragic for him to hear it from _you_ ,” she wiggles her eyebrows playfully. “Seeing as he cares an awful lot about what you think of him.”

Rey groans. “We are _not_ talking about this right now. You were just _shot_. And I didn’t even tell you what happened with me and the Force—”

The door to Talaa’s treatment room slides open. 

“The Force?” Jynna Ren says, stepping forward. “My favorite topic of conversation.”

Jynna’s eyes fall to an awakened Talaa, and her disposition shifts to grave. 

“You saved my life, Tal.”

Talaa musters up a grin. “Hell yeah I did,” she says weakly. 

Jynna shakes her head. “You could've _died._ Please—please don’t die.”

Talaa chuckles. “I’m trying really hard, Jynna. But you know, times are tough.”

Jynna approaches Talaa’s opposite bedside, and gives her friend’s hand a squeeze. The three women embrace—a mess of arms and tears (mostly from Rey, she can’t help herself) and _joy_. Rey revels in the communion of the moment, and longs to have this reconvening with her friends of the Resistance as well. 

“Oh!” Jynna Ren smiles. “You owe me drinks for a month, by the way.”

Talaa’s eyes widen and she turns to Rey. “You told him?”

“At gunpoint,” Jynna adds, as if it excites the situation even more. 

“ _Gunpoint?_ ” Talaa Ren is incredulous. “Shit, Rey, spend a week in a beautiful lake house with a man and say nothing, then wait until your friend’s been shot and you’re at gunpoint to tell him you love him—you’ve got timing, girl.”

Rey snorts. “It wasn’t some proclamation or anything. I was rambling and I just sort of… said it. Like it was in my head but I hadn’t known.”

Talaa groans and looks up at the ceiling. “Why did I have to get shot _before_ the fight?”

Still, her eyes sparkle with admiration. Rey can tell she’s pleased, even if the bet was lost. 

“I don’t know, Talaa,” Rey says, raising an eyebrow. “Maybe if you had a bit more _game_ , you wouldn’t have gone down for the count so early.”  
Talaa Ren narrows her eyes. “ _Never_ tell me I don’t have game,” she says sharply. And then all three women burst into a fit of laughter, and quite a few tears, too. 

\---

A day passes before the medical droid informs Rey that Kylo is likely to wake. She tries to insist that the other Knights be with her at his bedside, but it’s Annik Ren who objects. 

“He took that shot for you,” she says. “You’ll be the first one he wants to see.”

She sits beside him for hours, watching his eyes for the slightest movement that they might open. But there is nothing—not a flicker—and Rey begins to wonder if she should ask the medical droid if he really _will_ wake up soon. She stands, unclasping his fingers from his, when she hears the whisper of his voice. 

“Don’t leave me,” he grumbles. “Please, Rey. Don’t go.”

Rey spins back around to find Kylo with his eyes open, watching her with earnest. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” she says, sitting back beside him. _Not yet. Not now._ The next day is not guaranteed, nor even the next hour, but right now, Rey is _here._ She is present.

Another minute passes in silence as he fully wakes up, and then Kylo becomes lucid enough to understand that she is, in fact, really there with him.

“How are you feeling?” Rey asks. 

“Like I’ve been shot.”

She rolls her eyes. “ _Thank you_ for that glistening report. Do you… need anything?”

He squeezes her hand. “I have everything I need,” he says. “I—I didn’t know it before, but I do now. I have everything I need, Rey.”

Her heart hammers in her chest. Now would be the moment to address the thing they’re both clearly thinking about, although Rey just can't seem to find it in herself to do so. If she’s going to tell him she loves him, it needs to be _right._

She reaches out to touch his face. “Ben, I—thank you for what you did for me. But please don’t make it a habit of jumping in front of blaster shots that you can’t freeze.”

“I’ll try,” he says. “As long as you don’t make it a habit of trying to morally reason with the person threatening to shoot you.”

At this, Rey grows serious. “About what I said—”

“It’s okay,” Kylo brushes his thumb against the back of her hand. “You don’t—you were afraid, trying to save me. There’s no need to—I can forget it.”

“No.” Rey shakes her head. 

Kylo frowns. “No?”

“I wasn’t—it wasn’t a lie. And I want to tell you properly.”

Kylo’s lip quirks. “Properly?”

“Not with a kriffing blaster pointed at my face. I don’t want you to think that I didn’t mean it, that I was just saying it for the sake of stalling or just having something to say. Because I do love you, and I would’ve said it quite earlier if I had thought about what it meant to love somebody. All those feelings, Ben, they’ve been there. I just didn’t have a word for them before talking to Jynna and realizing I’ve been _stupid_. Leave it to me to be stupid on something I thought would be simple. Ending a kriffing civil war turned out to be simpler than just finding the words and the courage to say I loved you—”

He kisses her. And Rey didn’t think he had the strength to kiss her from his spot on the bed, but he manages to lean up and she leans down and then their lips meet with sweetness and confirmation. 

_I love you,_ she says in her head, because talking and kissing don’t mix and she still hasn’t said it properly. _I love you, and I’m certain._

Kylo draws back slightly to face her. “I love you too, Rey— _have_ loved you, _will_ love you. Past and present and infinite future, in all the ways a person can love another person and even beyond that, those are all the ways I love you.”

She kisses him again, this time more heatedly, but then senses just a twinge of pain down the bond. _Ah, right._ The man _was_ shot. Rey pulls back. 

“Sorry…” she says sheepishly. “I got a bit excited about the kissing. I mean, kissing you is _always_ exciting and I always want to kiss you. Not that I spend my free time thinking about it. Well I do, sometimes. Just… a normal amount, you know.” She pauses. _Deep breath._

“What if we just… lie here?” she asks. Kylo nods, shifting over enough for her to have a space beside him on the bed. Rey presses her head against his uninjured shoulder and hears his heart which still mercifully beats. 

Several moments pass where they revel in the sound of their mutual breathing. It is a wonder that they are flesh and blood and living, and that the stars have finally aligned in a conclusion that seems so right Rey cannot believe she did not reach it before. _Love._ It has been the silent voice in many conversations, the word not spoken, but felet. And now it is shared between them—loud and clear and without consequence.

“So what happens now?” Rey asks. 

“I don’t know,” Kylo says honestly. “The Resistance—did they succeed?”

“Jynna says so.”

“Good.” He brushes a stray hair behind her ear. “I suspect you will… return to them?”

She should. She _wants_ to. But it’s the matter of coming and going that hurts, because staying here would bring her pain but going to the Resistance would gut her, too. And in the thick of it is something else Rey desires more deeply than a connection to any person— _flight_. Freedom. The will to go not to First Order or Resistance but somewhere else entirely. 

“I—I think it is wise I at least _visit_ ,” she says. “It would hardly bode well for the future if I never returned to my dearest friends. They’d think you have me under some sort of mind control.”

Kylo snorts. “Mind control a Force user as powerful as yourself? It’s as if they know nothing about anything.”

Rey rolls her eyes. “Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t under the impression we were expecting everyone to know and understand _every single thing in the universe_ so clearly. Someone really should tell them to catch up.”

“Someone? They're _your_ friends.”

She laughs.

“If I’m to keep an eye on _my_ friends, you must keep an eye on yours. And yes—” she cuts in before he can object to the term, “they are your _friends,_ Ben.”

“Why must I keep an eye on them?”

“Because they're insidious. Talaa and Jynna placed a bet on which one of us would say ‘I love you’ first.”

Kylo considers this. “Who won?”

“Jynna.”

“She was always more perceptive.”

Rey agrees. “But Talaa’s been rooting for us longer. That has to count for something.”

“Nobody’s been rooting for us longer than me,” Kylo says, leaning over to brush a kiss on Rey’s forehead. Silence falls between them. 

“How do we keep this?” Rey asks softly. 

“Keep what?”

She turns, propping her head up on her elbow. “ _This_. You and me—moments like this. I want my life to always be this. I want to bottle this up and keep it forever.”

Kylo smiles with a sadness in his eyes. “I think if there is a way to hold onto a moment, it has yet to be discovered. Otherwise, you and I would still be on Centares, tasting dishes in the low light of that dingy cantina.”

“Would we?”

“We would. Because _I_ was certain I wanted to live in that moment forever, and yet here we are, somewhere entirely different.”

She leans her head back onto his shoulder. “But it’s still good,” she says more to herself than to him. 

“It is,” Kylo affirms. “Meaning, perhaps to encounter all that could be, we must move forward.”

She tilts her head up to brush a hand against the side of his face. “When did you get so wise?”

He shrugs. “Always have been. Trouble is, I spend the majority of my time with a beautiful girl who talks a great deal. It’s tough to get a word in.”

Rey considers smacking him, though it feels inappropriate given his injuries. She settles for kicking him in the shin. _“Ben_.”

He grins at her, smugly. “Time is limited,” he says. “I need to get all the quips in while I can.”

“You’re on thin ice, Solo,” she grumbles, burying her face into his shoulder. 

“No I’m not,” he replies contentedly. “Because I love you, and you love me. And that’s what matters.”


End file.
